The Truth About Getting Sober and Why Love Can't Fix Addiction (Part 1 of 2)

The Truth About Getting Sober and Why Love Can't Fix Addiction

Amy Connell : Sarah, welcome to the graced health podcast.

Thank you so much. I'm excited to be here.

I'm excited as well. And this is one of those conversations that as soon as God kind of put it on my heart of like, this is something to have. I have just been going and going and going with a lot of questions. So I am just ready to just jump in. Are you, are you game for

Sarah Pritchard: I'm so game. I'm an open book, so I'm excited. 

Amy Connell : perfect. Perfect.

Okay. So this is the big question I have. I have been hearing, um, more and more about addiction, and we can get into this throughout our conversation, but I hear the term like that addiction is a disease or the disease of addiction. And that is a little confusing. So can you help explain how this is a disease?

Sarah Pritchard: Yes. for sure. And it is confusing. And I will preface this by I am not 

a medical professional by any means. I am a woman in recovery, so I have my own experience with this. But what I do know is, what really defines the illness and the disease is there's

a lack of control. So no control. Once, Once, the alcohol or the substance goes in,

all bets are off.

You know,

most times I drink more than I intend to.

There were a few times here and there where it seemed to be able to, you know, hold it together. But most times I'm drinking more than I wanted. And so there's, there's just no control. And it's, it's not my intention to, to overdrink, but that's what happens.

And essentially what's going on in the body physically.

is it kicks off this phenomenon of craving and the body is just craving for more alcohol, more alcohol, more alcohol.

Uh, and it's like an itch. I can't scratch. And the only thing that can scratch it is more alcohol.

And so that's, that's kind of the first piece of it.

It's like, okay, if I'm quote unquote allergic to

alcohol, like my body physically reacts differently than

you know, my sister who can have a glass of wine and go to bed,

then the answer would be just don't drink.

Like, if I'm allergic to strawberries, just don't drink strawberries or just don't eat strawberries.

And so, there's

the no control, but then there's this no choice piece,

which was even harder for me to understand. And I think it's

Way harder for somebody that's never experienced to understand because

even for me, it's like, what do you mean? I have no choice. Like I have no choice over my own mind and body.

Like

I can choose not to do this.

Amy Connell : to do this. 

Sarah Pritchard: But my experience showed I never

chose

not alcohol. So it was always in the

direction of alcohol. And 

no 

choice is really this like delusion. I'm under the delusion that this time it'll be different.

Amy Connell : be different. 

Sarah Pritchard: Or it's this obsession that somehow, someday I'll be able to drink normally when my experience shows over and over and over, I cannot drink normally,

but in those strange mental blank spots, 

Amy Connell : spots,

Sarah Pritchard: I can't see it.

And my brain, like there are no consequences coming

in. In that moment, I really believe it's going to be okay.

And I have experience with that. I mean.

There have been experiences. If you would have put me up to a lie detector, I would have truly believed everything was going to work out.

okay.

Amy Connell : okay. 

Sarah Pritchard: Even though there is no experience to show that's going to work.

Amy Connell : going to work. 

Sarah Pritchard: So yeah, and there's lots of studies done on this. There's

the addict and the alcoholics brains, they light up in different ways and different areas. And, you know, I've read things on, it's more based on a reward system and our brains can't necessarily pull in it. the, you know, the, the bad things that have happened, but, but yeah, that's,

that's kind of the gist.

No control and no choice 

Amy Connell : control and no choice. Well, one of the follow up questions I was going to have to that, which you, you kind of talked about was you say it reacts, it physically reacts, or we physically react different when we, when addicts will have alcohol or drugs versus When non addicts will, so is that kind of what you're talking about, like with the brain, like your brain lighting

up differently? Yes.

Sarah Pritchard: Yeah. So 

Amy Connell : So

Sarah Pritchard: again,

not a medical professional. So nobody quote me on this, but there, you know, a lot of, for example, when I went to treatment, I remembered there were

family weekends and a doctor would come in and talk to us about the brain

and how my brain is different.

Then my family's brain,

Um, which is all really good information, but

I'm not going to get a new brain,

so 

Amy Connell : Right. I got 

Sarah Pritchard: I got to find a solution for this.

Right. And, But yes, yes, there are, there's a lot of, scientific evidence on, on the, you know, the body and the brain being different.

Amy Connell : Okay, as you're talking, it reminds me of a time, I think it was in 2014 when Philip Seymour Hoffman died. If, if my memory serves correctly, it was from opioid overdose, but it was, it was addiction related. You, you, am I right on that and the opioids? Okay. And I remember saying to a friend of mine whose husband is in recovery. I don't get it. Why couldn't he just say no? Why couldn't he stop? And so some of what you're talking about with that no controlled, no choice, but I'm wondering if you could speak to that some, like, why can't you just, just don't do it? And she actually very firmly told me that it was not an option. And that was the first time I had heard anything different.

But why, why is that not? I don't know what the right word is, like effective or is, you know, for a choice for an addict of like, well, just don't do it. Just stop after one glass of wine. Like what's the big deal?

Sarah Pritchard: Yes.

And that was

so the way I thought. Until I experienced my own alcoholism. 

Amy Connell : Alcoholism.

Sarah Pritchard: so

what I 

learned and what I see 

is

And what I know is the alcohol and the drugs do so much for that person.

It

Amy Connell : It 

Sarah Pritchard: provides a 

sense of ease and comfort. It, you know, makes me confident. It makes me not have to worry about what's going on in my world.

It just allows me to be myself. to feel connected to you.

and not have all these other fears and insecurities and whatever I'm feeling in the way. And so 

Amy Connell : so

Sarah Pritchard: you'll hear a 

lot of addicts and alcoholics say, like when they took their drink the first time or they use the first time, they're like, I want to do this the rest of my life.

Like I found the answer because it provides so much comfort. It's like my warm, fuzzy blanket.

And I know alcohol is going to help me. be okay. And so

it does so much more for me than it will ever do to me.

And I had a lot of consequences. I used to just focus on like what alcohol did to me, you know, I had to go to treatment, there were

hospital visits, there were all sorts of different consequences that happened for me.

And

I didn't 

understand why I would go back to it.

but it's because it provides so much for me, even if only for a minute,

Amy Connell : a minute, 

Sarah Pritchard: an hour,

a day,

it's worth it. And then it goes back to that. 

I say 

it's worth it. That's the thought process and that delusional mind, Right?

Which is very confusing because it's like,

I'm stone cold, sober,

and I am in delusion.

I'm stone cold, sober, and I can't trust my mind because my mind is telling me, Sarah, you know, it will calm you down. Just a couple of drinks. We're not going to get out of control this time. 

Amy Connell : this time.

Sarah Pritchard: Or, you know, I'll start tomorrow 

or, you know, I don't care when really I do care, really most addicts and alcoholics

care a lot about their family and friends,

Like, care so much.

And so you,

so

it's impossible to stop if there is not another solution because alcohol is my solution to life, to anything.

Amy Connell : To 

Sarah Pritchard: So I gotta find something that provides that same ease and comfort and more, or I will go back to this every time.

There's just no question. 

Amy Connell : There's just no question. As you're talking to me, you're holding up two

hands, right? Like of, of here's this and the solution. So I'm sure we're skipping ahead and I want to come back to some of what you said, but like, but what is the solution?

Sarah Pritchard: a spiritual experience and, And getting connected to

God. 

Amy Connell : God.

Sarah Pritchard: And,

Amy Connell : Okay.

Sarah Pritchard: you know,

For me, I had

always believed in God. I grew up going to church. The belief was always there.

The belief was not enough

to um, save me from my alcoholism. Praying was not enough

to save me from my alcoholism. I needed to go through a spiritual program of action.

That was a vehicle to get me connected

to the power. 

Amy Connell : power. Okay. And is that what like a 12 step program is?

Sarah Pritchard: Yes,

Amy Connell : Okay. Because, you know, one thing I have heard from people, you know, we're a community of, you know, faith based women.

Most people who listen to this are Christians. This is a faith based podcast. And I have also heard people say like, well, I, I have prayed for God to take this away from me. I have prayed and he's not doing anything, which of course creates a whole nother level of communication with God, right? Like getting mad at God.

Like I've, I've asked you to take it away. And so where does that fall into this spiritual awakening and this spiritual 12 step program? If you're already a believer and if you're already praying, like God helped me, but nothing's happening.

Sarah Pritchard: yes. And so that's a really good question because It's so very common. But you know, there are

alcoholics that are ministers and there are

drug addicts that are pastors. And

so 

so that

Amy Connell : that, 

Sarah Pritchard: again, the, the belief and the faith, that doesn't matter. There's gotta be this,

like actionable

steps.

Amy Connell : steps 

Sarah Pritchard: To help 

God change us.

And so what we find out through a 12 step process is there's a lot of old beliefs,

there's a lot of

old programming, there's a lot of old ideas that maybe we grew up with or maybe we kind of made up in our head on our own.

So we gotta get a lot of the resentment and the fear and all the junk 

Amy Connell : junk

Sarah Pritchard: off of 

us, essentially.

And then we gotta go clean up the harms we've done.

And then we got to go out and help other people. and

so it's, it's such a, just,

I mean,

Amy Connell : I mean, 

Sarah Pritchard: it works every time

it does.

If you're honest,

and you're a real addict or an alcoholic, it can work for you. And that's why

I'm so passionate about it because I see it work over and over and over.

and when people ask for help or ask God, like, please take this away, please help me.

And then someone's trying to, you know, family members trying to get them to treatment or something like, well, not that kind of help. Hold on. You know, like, like the answers are coming, but maybe not in the way they want. 

Amy Connell : the way they want. What you're saying about this 12 step program is kind of a light bulb. Moment for me with regard to our faith and just praying. So like just the praying isn't working, but the working through the 12 steps. Cause our, do they kind of, do they kind of build on each other? Okay. So, and go doing that. And then just the little that I know about the brain. And so does that like kind of change the pathways in your brain and help you think differently so you can make different choices? Am I onto something or am I just making stuff

Sarah Pritchard: Well, so I don't know if it's gonna change the pathways or anything like that. But what I do know

As my brain was changed, like it was changed. The problem was removed. The obsession was removed. And I really believe that was God.

Like, I, I know it was because.

Nothing else

did it.

I tried everything. And there's just, you know, 

Amy Connell : you know,

Sarah Pritchard: there's just no 

other answer.

Amy Connell : Okay. Well, I'm in with that, right? Like I, I, you know, God can do amazing things. Absolutely. I guess, and I don't know why I'm, I'm, I, my mind is going here, but like, yes, it works. So yes, I'm with you. But then what about like the relapses?

And what about the, the, the, the, I mean, from what I understand the statistics of, you know, someone going to treatment and having it, and I don't even know if relapse is the right word, but going back to the drink or drug, what then?

Sarah Pritchard: Right. Yeah. That's a really good question. So

Amy Connell : So 

Sarah Pritchard: relapse, 

that word is thrown around so much. A lot of times if someone is quote unquote

relapsing,

they really are just in the vicious cycle of addiction and they're just getting separated, like going to treatment or going to jail or. detoxing and they don't have any other solution and so they're going to drink again or they're going to use again,

however long they can try to, you know, white knuckle it.

And it's miserable to be in that state to, to, not have a solution and just be dry essentially. And so, 

Amy Connell : so,

Sarah Pritchard: so,

there's a lot of people that it's like, I've relapsed a hundred times. It's like, you've never had any other, any other way. Like it's, it's like breathing, like you're going to drink. It's not a matter of if it's when.

And so

with a true relapse, I actually have experience with that. And 

what 

happened was essentially I, I did all the things, all the recovery things,

and I got these wonderful gifts of sobriety and I stopped doing all the wonderful things that got me there.

And, and that was it. It was game over. I lost a conscious contact with God and I got back into the delusion and the obsession and I didn't even know it.

And so that's why the,

Amy Connell : the,

Sarah Pritchard: process and the spiritual program of action is so important on just taking the action. And I've just learned

to take the action regardless of how I feel.

And now it's just a way of life

because for a long time I thought like, okay,

I've, I've graduated. I'm done. I don't, thanks for the information guys.

I'm good. see you never.

And and 

no, this is like a way of

life. I do these things. I do things daily to get a closer relationship with God and the alcohol piece. doesn't come up. It's just, like I said, the obsession is removed. I don't,

every morning I don't wake up and say, God, please keep me sober today.

I'm not, I'm not thinking about it. I'm like, God, how can I be helpful today?

How can you

show

me where I need to go today? Because I truly believe if we have this thing,

our purpose is to go help the next

person.

I would not be sitting here if

another alcoholic did not help me. 

Amy Connell : help me. Yeah. One of the things that comes to mind, and this is one of the things that drives my children crazy, is I always, I will tie this back to health and I will tie this back to like what I do. And it kind of reminds me of like, I have had, I have had injuries on every ball and socket joint in my body, like both shoulders, both, both hips. And so I'll hurt it. I'll go, go to PT and get the physical therapy and do the movements and then it'll work for awhile and then I'll stop. And then lo and behold, guess what starts hurting again is that damn shoulder.

And so, and so it's like, It kind of reminds me of that, obviously on a much more significant level, because my shoulder will just hurt, but this, you know, but going back and having a true relapse, and so, I don't know, that's just, that's kind of an analogy that I came up with that is applicable, at least in my world.

Sarah Pritchard: No, I love that. That's exactly, I mean, you can, they're the same thing. So, yeah, 

Amy Connell : Yeah. Let's talk about. For my members of my community who may be, they are not struggling with addiction, but they may be fear or know that someone in their world has addiction. And it's funny because you know, God just kind of puts these things in my, And as soon as I really kind of heard him saying, okay, I want you to do this episode on addiction, you know, then, then I'm my ears kind of opening. And it is astounding how many people I have spoken with or like, talk about their spouse or their I mean, it's like, wherever it is spouse, sibling child.

One of my friends is navigating with an ex spouse and helping her child, you know, navigate that. I mean, it's just, it's everywhere. And so guess one question I would have is for people in that situation, how can we support our loved ones who either are or we fear are addicts? And maybe the second part of that question is, and how do we know the difference?

Sarah Pritchard: that's hard.

Amy Connell : That's hard.

Sarah Pritchard: you know, you know,

there are a lot of different, different situations. I truly believe. Every family's

situation is, is different. I mean the addict and the alcoholic, they're all the same,

but

Amy Connell : but

Sarah Pritchard: to support someone, you know,

always coming from a place of love,

Than likely the alcoholic or addict is going to be defensive.

They just are

because they're scared and they don't know it, but they're

scared. because they don't know it. 

Amy Connell : because

Sarah Pritchard: When my father told me I could never drink again, you, that did not go well. Like I said, it's my warm, fuzzy blanket. It's the only thing

where I can exist in this world and be okay. And so you're telling me I can't have that.

I was extremely defensive.

Amy Connell : Well, also, not to interrupt, but our society here in America is so entrenched with alcohol, and so, you're telling That it's, it's very hard to imagine what life and how social circles and what work is going to be like if you can't go to happy hour, if you can't meet your girlfriend for wine, if you, I mean, like alcohol is just slamming us in the face all the time.

Sarah Pritchard: Yes. Yes. And that was me. I've, I could not imagine

what I would, I'm like, what am I going to do? You know?

There's so much and my life is so full today, but,

But,

it is, it's a big, it's a big fear and it's, it's scary because. 

Amy Connell : because

Sarah Pritchard: I, you know, we've lived our life a certain way for so long, so how could I possibly imagine a life without it?

But it does so much for me.

To come from a place of love

is, and then,

Amy Connell : then, 

Sarah Pritchard: and you know, and then go from there. There's,

there are professionals out there

if you need help. I mean, there are interventionists. And I think a lot of people think interventionists is like, yeah, on the show. Like here's the intervention.

We're all sitting down and we're gonna, and yes, that's part of it. But a lot of these professionals do family coaching and they're going to coach the families on how to handle this, because nobody

got a

playbook in high school or college on how to, how to do this.

And so,

Amy Connell : so, 

Sarah Pritchard: a lot of them are, are really, really good to just help guide you.

And I know people are scared to call and they're scared that

they're just scared.

But they, there are some really good people out there to help, to help with the family coaching and then if an intervention, like a true intervention is needed, that'll happen. If not, maybe the families just need their own coaching on how to

like hold a boundary and have a conversation and these things that I, I certainly didn't know existed. 

Amy Connell : know existed.

Right. Okay, but if you bring someone in, and I've never watched any of the intervention shows, so I, I don't really know that is like. But if you bring someone in for an intervention, then presumably the addict is not at a point where they want to get help. Or they're not at a point where they want to do all of that, right? Like you were saying, like, well, I want help, but not that kind of help. So can treatment be effective for someone who really isn't fully on board? Yes and no.

Sarah Pritchard: depends on the individual. Has to be

Amy Connell : a surrendered

Sarah Pritchard: for the addict or alcoholic. There has to be a

moment of

internal brokenness

Amy Connell : brokenness 

Sarah Pritchard: and just

being done.

And it doesn't necessarily have to be, you know, when they're on their way to treatment. You know, that can happen while they're in treatment. 

Amy Connell : treatment.

Sarah Pritchard: It can happen the last day of treatment. Even if they go kicking and screaming, that doesn't mean it's going to be a failure. Now, if they're like, okay, I agree. Like, I don't want to go, but I know this is like,

yeah, the more willing, the better, but it's not a complete loss cause by any means,

because

they can get into a place and be around a community and.

Amy Connell : and,

Sarah Pritchard: And have their whole mindset shifted and whole perspective shifted on

what a recovered life is and recovery and all sorts of things. So 

Amy Connell : So

Sarah Pritchard: it is.

It would never hurt, I don't think. 

Amy Connell : don't think.

Okay, well that sounds encouraging because, you know, I have to imagine most of the time you're dealing with like grown adults, right? And so you can't really make people do things, but you can encourage, but you also want it to be effective. So that, I feel like that offers hope for people who feel like maybe intervention would be a good thing. and their, their loved one is not totally on board with it. So I know the answer to this, but I'm going to ask it anyway because I think it's a really common thing that we think. Actually I'm just going to say a statement and I'm going to let you respond to that. If you loved me, you would stop drinking or stop using.

Yes.

Sarah Pritchard: I always say 

if 

love were enough, there would be a lot more people sober.

addicts and alcoholics, they have some of the biggest hearts that I've ever seen.

And I can tell you with every woman I've worked with, with every

You know, man, I've seen come through.

Amy Connell : through, 

Sarah Pritchard: They care like they really do care

And

love is just not enough. I mean, there's, there's just,

if it was people wouldn't, I mean, people would, more people would be sober.

Um, it's just the alcohol and the drugs are so powerful. It's bigger than, than anything else, anything.

And,

that's what's really hard because you see people and it's like, well,

she's choosing drugs over her kids, or if

He drinks again, he loses custody or any drinks again, or, you know,

because it's, it's more powerful.

It's a disease. There is no choice or control. If there is, if there is no solution. 

Amy Connell : You're,

Sarah Pritchard: you're,

stuck.

Amy Connell : stuck. The drink is more powerful than love. I mean, that is, wow. You know, and especially as Christ followers, you know, like, you know, I mean, we put so much in love, right? And God is love. And, and yet we still have to surrender that, that drink, that drug in order to get clean.

And, you know, I have a, I have a friend who has a loved one who's really dealing with some strong mental health issues. And She swooped in, she got him, pulled him from another state, brought him to their house, you know, fed him well, you know, did things, fun things, all that kind of stuff, for like several months.

And she said, it turns out my love is not enough. He needs treatment. And so this is more for the mental health thing, but it, it kind of reminds me of the same, of the same thing.

Sarah Pritchard: Yeah, absolutely. I mean,

they're

for sure. I have, A friend who very similar situation around just mental health. And it's, it's the same thing. Love is not enough. Like,

there are

people out there that can help.

And I think

because, especially with something like addiction, it's like, I should be able to figure this out.

Like I, I can do other things in my life and be successful. I should be able to get a handle on this.

but if my experience shows I can't, like it's never going to happen. And usually when that surrendered moment comes

is,

or at least for me, it was like I had tried everything. And when I relapsed

and woke up in the hospital again,

I could not believe it.

Like, I was shocked. That is not how it was supposed to go. I was supposed to be really cute and normal on a rooftop drinking wine.

and, and it didn't 

go that way. And,

and so that was, And that was one of the less consequences I had.

had

But for whatever reason, that's when I just broke and I was done and I didn't care.

I just, I was willing to do whatever,

you know, the woman

helping me, if she would have told me to jump in the lake and 30 degrees, I would have done it

because I was, it was so unacceptable for me to continue living my life that way.

and to continue to see my family hurt and my friends and the chaos that I caused and the, you know, financial burden.

I mean, everything is just, it was all unacceptable. 

Amy Connell : is just, it was all unacceptable. Yeah. Sarah, I have a ton of questions and we haven't even addressed the what can we call it?

Like the addiction elephant in the room in the church and in Christian circles and the shame surrounding that. Um, I was, would you be willing to come back? one more time and come back next week and continue this because I just feel like I have so many more questions and I want to honor your time.

Sarah Pritchard: Yes, absolutely.

Amy Connell : Awesome. All right. Thank you.