#57 Who Gets to Define You
In this episode, Roy and Catherine take on the question of who gets to define you. Catherine says nobody does. She tells the story of a marketing coach who gave her good challenges but tried to tell her who she had to be to win clients, and why that never sat right. She explains how every time she looked to someone else to tell her who she is, it backfired, and the only definition that has worked is the one she finds by going inside herself, sometimes as a feeling or a colour rather than words. Roy shares a similar experience of being told how to come across to attract coaching clients, and why he refuses to do it if it is not him. He talks about parents trying to mould you, how his mother was right about more than he gave her credit for, and how he takes feedback on board without letting it define him. He is happy with who he is, but never complacent, and is always working to be a better version of himself. They agree you can listen to other people’s points of view without having to conform to them, and ask listeners to share their own answer.
Timestamps
0:02 — Welcome & today’s question: who gets to define you?
0:18 — Catherine: the coach who tried to define her, and defining yourself from the inside
2:45 — Roy: being told how to come across, his mother’s influence, and always improving
4:28 — Listening to others without conforming
4:34 — Closing thoughts and sign-off
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[Speaker 2] (0:02 - 0:17)
Welcome to episode number 57 of Different Points. I'm joined with my co-host Catherine Llewellyn and I'm Roy Collin and today's question, who gets to define you? Interesting one Catherine, what comes to mind?
[Speaker 1] (0:18 - 2:44)
Nobody gets to define me. I worked with a coach a while back who was helping me with my marketing, this was some while ago, and they had lots and lots of good ideas and they gave me some really good challenges, but one thing that they did which did not sit well with me was they tried to define me, they tried to tell me how I should be describing what I was promoting, what I was offering, and that I had to be a certain kind of person because that's the kind of person who's going to get the business and get the clients. I remember feeling like, okay, there's something in what they're saying about you've got to have the right attitude and you've got to have some clarity of what you're offering, but the bit which seemed to be about them trying to define who I am just felt wrong. This is really interesting because through life, I've had moments in life of feeling really uncertain about who I am or what my purpose is or what I'm supposed to be doing and when I've thought maybe someone else knows, try and find someone else who could tell me who I'm supposed to be.
Every time I tried to do that, it just backfired, it never worked because even if they said something really insightful or helpful or kind, it never sat right. The only thing that's ever sat right with me is when I go deep inside myself and connect up with my vibration or my essence or my spirit or whatever you want to call it and come up with my own definition of who I am. That's the only thing that's ever really worked and sometimes that definition isn't even something that's totally clear in words.
Sometimes it's just a feeling or just a color or a sense of something and other times it's something much clearer. So for me, the only person who defines me is me and occasionally along the way, I have got some value from getting input from other people but I've always had to come back to ultimately I'm the only person who defines me and who I am.
[Speaker 2] (2:45 - 4:27)
Love it, love it. I think kind of similar, I mean I've actually you know, I got people to try to get clients, coaching clients. Same thing, they're trying to tell you, oh no, you should come across this way, you should come across that way and it's like if that's not me, I'm not doing it and I like, there's a lot of kind of trickery in the wording and everything.
It's like no, I'm not doing that, that's not, you know, it's not defining me, you know. So and if I say kind of growing up, I mean like my mother would, you know, parents do but I would say my mother because they're kind of trying to, I suppose, mold you to the best version. Doesn't necessarily mean it works but you know, I think as we get older, we look back and we go, well you were trying to make sure I wasn't hanging around with this group or doing that and you were dead right.
You know, my mother's very good with intuition whereas I kind of, you know, wasn't and have worked on that and but even, I mean you see me there now with my hands, you know, somebody's kind of giving comments, oh you're a podcaster but you're moving too much and it's like a person not even podcasting and it's, you know, like you can take stuff on that on board but then you can just go, that's who I am and everything I do, I'm always trying to be a better version of myself.
If I see a flaw in my books on it and look at it and see how can I be, you know, whatever it is, you know, in business and parenting, anything but there's nobody that's going to guide me or in other ways sometimes people go, this is my mentor and they try to replicate that person. There's nobody that's going to go, oh I want to be like that. I'm happy who I am but I'm not complacent and I don't stay where I am.
I'm always trying to be better.
[Speaker 1] (4:28 - 4:33)
Absolutely, exactly. So we can listen to other people's point of view but doesn't mean we have to conform to it.
[Speaker 2] (4:34 - 4:52)
Yeah, exactly, exactly. So curious what the listeners think on that question. You might write it in the comments if you can.
Give us a five star rating, maybe even four if you don't like five and yeah, share with your friends and until the next episode, thank you very much and take care.
