#54 What Are You Pretending Not to Know
In this episode, Roy and Catherine take on a slightly odd topic: what are you pretending not to know, and what do you really know? Roy starts with something he has noticed in people’s emotions. Some people, women first and then men too, laugh in a conversation when nothing is funny, to get you to laugh and be liked. He knows it, never says it to them, and has found that people who do it are often not as straight as they come across. Catherine says she has been in those moments too, and she is not good at pretending, so people see a strange look on her face. For her, pretending not to know often means carrying on with something she knows is a waste of energy so she can stay busy and avoid facing that she doesn’t know what to do next. She gives an example from years ago, when she did executive coaching for large corporate organisations. She loved it and her identity was tied up with it, but she knew it was time to stop and pretended she didn’t, because she had no idea what she would do next. Her experience is that life is not impressed when she pretends not to know something and keeps presenting her with the truth, so she no longer tries. Roy adds that living in Poland, he sometimes pretends not to understand Polish, to see what people say when they think he can’t follow. Catherine shares how her father did the same in Italy, where he worked as a civil engineer during the war. A man criticised his skiing at length in front of him, and at the bottom of the slope her father thanked him for the feedback in fluent Italian and said he could have told him himself. She closes by inviting listeners to reflect on what they are pretending not to know and to send in their insights.
Timestamps
0:02 - Welcome and today’s topic: what are you pretending not to know
0:28 - Roy: fake laughter and reading people’s emotions
1:14 - Catherine: wasting energy, her executive coaching years and life insisting on the truth
3:59 - Roy: pretending not to understand Polish
4:19 - Catherine: her father’s story in Italy and closing thoughts
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[Speaker 1] (0:02 - 0:26)
Welcome to Different Points, episode 54, with my wonderful co-host, Roy Colan, and myself, Catherine Llewellyn. So today's topic is a slightly weird one, which is, what are you pretending not to know? And the question that goes with it is, what do you really know?
So, Roy, I'm going to let you have a go at this one, and then I'll have a go at it.
[Speaker 2] (0:28 - 1:13)
There's a few things come to mind. I think it was kind of understanding people's emotions without telling them. So for example, what I've noticed is, and I noticed it first with women, but I've actually seen men do it as well.
They're laughing, kind of to get you to laugh, but it's not something that's funny. So you could be in a conversation, they're like, and I've realized that people are fake laughing to be liked. So I know that, but I never say it to them because it's kind of like how to win friends and influence people.
How can you make that conversation where they're going to feel good about it? But I'm conscious of it, so I know the people that are doing it. And usually the people that are doing it aren't as straight as they kind of come across.
Might sound strange, but that's what I've noticed.
[Speaker 1] (1:14 - 3:56)
Yeah. Yes, I've noticed that as well. Well, you know what's really going on, but you're kind of pretending you're going along with what everyone's doing.
And I've been in those moments too. I've been told though, when I do that, I get this really weird look on my face as if there's something really wrong with me. I'm not very good at pretending in that way.
You go, you all right? I go, actually, no, I'm pretending. I really don't like this.
I think for me, how this can connect is that sometimes I just know that something's a waste of energy and then I kind of pretend I don't know that and still do it. So sometimes I'm just wasting time, but pretending I'm doing something useful. And that's obviously not helpful.
And why would I do that? I would do that because it means I'm keeping occupied. I'm being busy.
I'm getting loads done. I'm avoiding the fact that maybe I don't really know what I should do next, or maybe I'm confused, or maybe something's really working. I don't want to face it.
I'd much rather just keep, you know, battering away than actually face the truth. And I had one example, which this was years ago, I used to do executive coaching work for large corporate organizations. And I loved it.
And it was great for years and years and years. Then there came a point in time when it was time to stop, actually. And I knew it was time to stop.
But I just didn't want to admit it, because I had no idea what I would do next. And also because I'd so loved doing it. It was this wonderful transformative work we were doing.
It had a really good effect. My identity was all tied up with it. But I knew it was time to let it go.
But actually, I now know in hindsight, I pretended not to know that, and just kept trying to keep going. And it just wasn't going to work. So I've noticed that when I pretend not to know something, life is not impressed.
And life insists on presenting me with the thing that I already know is really true. And I can resist that as long as I like, life will not comply with that. So now, I pretty much now don't try.
It's just not really worth it.
[Speaker 2] (3:59 - 4:16)
Just one that came to mind as well, because obviously, I'm living in Poland and my Polish is decent enough. There's times I'd actually kind of pretend that I don't know, just to see the conversations people are having. Because you know exactly if someone is nice or not.
[Speaker 1] (4:19 - 5:35)
My father used to do that in Italy. He picked up languages easily. He was over there as a civil engineer during the war.
And he was skiing one time, and no one knew he could speak Italian. And there was this other guy, an Italian guy who was criticizing my father's skiing, you know, at length, without knowing he could understand it. And they got to the bottom.
My father turned around in fluent Italian and said, well, thank you for the feedback. You could have actually told me that yourself. And the guy was completely astonished.
He'd been put in his place. Yes. So what are you pretending not to know?
It's a weird one, isn't it? It's an interesting one. So it kind of gets underneath the surface level a little bit.
So maybe reflect on that today. And if you feel like it, send us a message or send us a comment about any insights you've had from this. Because I have a feeling that this could be quite an insightful thread for some of us to keep exploring.
And thank you again for your support of the show. We really appreciate every single listener and viewer all over the world. And thanks for helping us with the rankings and the downloads and have a wonderful day and see you next time.
[Speaker 2] (5:37 - 5:37)
Take care.
