How to Stop Passing Your Past On to Your Kids | Conscious Parenting Pioneer Dr. Shefali

Dr. Shefali: Then when I had a child, I realized, wow, I'm now going to do to my child what was done to me. Just because it's your belief system, do you have a right to pass it on to your child? the behavior is not the problem. There's something inside the child that is driving the behavior. Now, happiness should be a byproduct and it should be a lovely treat, but it is not the goal. this life is completely yours to design. That every child matters, you matter, and who you are as you are is good enough.

Frederik G. Pferdt: Before we dive into today's episode, I want to start with something very personal. Have you ever asked yourself lately whether you're a good parent or whether you were raised by good parents? I've asked myself that question a lot, since I have three kids of my own, and both my parents are still alive. That question sits underneath everything we are about to talk about today. By the end of this episode, you will know why the mirror in front of you may be the most powerful tool you have for shaping your future. Whether you are raising a child, leading a team, or simply trying to become someone new, and you will walk away with a practice you can use today to turn a moment of friction into a moment of present. This conversation is bigger than parenting. It is about presence, ego, and what it really takes to raise ourselves before we raise, lead, or love anyone else. Welcome to The Future Is How, the show where we explore not just what the future holds, but how we get to create it together from within. I have another small confession. I am secretly obsessed with mirrors, especially in art installations. It is why the cover of my book is a blurry mirror, one that is meant to show you your own future self looking back. So when today's guest built her entire life's work around the idea that the people closest to us are mirrors for our own becoming, I knew we had to sit down together. Dr. Shifali is a clinical psychologist, a New York Times best-selling author, and the pioneer of the conscious parenting movement. Dr. Shifali, welcome to the show.

Dr. Shefali: Thank you. Thank you for having me.

Frederik G. Pferdt: I want to try something with you before we dive in. So forget the bio that lists what you have already done, which is incredible. So big accomplishments. Introduce yourself the way your future self would, the version of you a few years ahead, who has already lived what is coming next.

Dr. Shefali: that's great. I am somebody who travels the world and lives a really simple and you know deconstructed life that is off the grid. look like I I was talking to you, you live off the grid and off the matrix and is very content. That would be my ideal future self.

Frederik G. Pferdt: let's dive into that mirror metaphor that you use a lot. You often say children are mirrors for their parents. What did your own children or your own child first reflect back to you that you were not ready to see?

Dr. Shefali: the whole concept that our intimate relationships are mirrors gets really highlighted in the parent-child relationship. Because in that relationship, because it's so asymmetrical and the parent has so much power, unobstructed power, that you get to see the force of your untamed self, right? The self that nobody can see or is not getting checked or supervised. So with your child, you get to see the force of that untamed self or your ego. So I was able to see my ego, my desire to control, my desire to contort and contour my child into a mini me and really do with her whatever I wanted. And when I saw that force of the ego unleash in me, you know, frankly, I was so glad I could see it in real time. So it didn't wreak havoc. without my noticing, but also was quite horrified that it was so powerful. And it takes a lot of discipline to be willing to recognize one's ego, but also then to to tame one's ego and to harness it and to pull it back in and to be humble and to own that, you know, that's my ego. And you as a child doesn't you as a child do not have to live out that ego. I have the burden to live out the ego. You don't have to do that.

Frederik G. Pferdt: So what are you seeing in the morning when you look into the mirror? What is the mini me or the the mega me?

Dr. Shefali: Yeah, I think, you know, if the mirror is clear, then you really can see that you may have fears or desires or wishes. And when the mirror is cloudy, you blame others for that. You believe others should fulfill your needs, wishes, and expectations. When the mirror is clear, you can see that they're coming from your own inner child or your own inner wound. And if the mirror is really clear, you can see your own adult self capable of meeting those needs, expectations, and desires. And, you know, the cloudy mirror is the mirror that makes you project onto others, that allows you to hold others accountable for your pain and really be fooled to think that they are the ones responsible for it and responsible. To, you know, to clear it up, to heal it. And others can never be responsible for that. You know, we have to really take ownership. So with our children, when they trigger us, say with a tantrum or they're not acting like we wanted them to, we can make a choice. We can keep blaming them and forcing them to fix that and give them the burden of the shame and the blame. Or we can say, you know, I am co-creating my reality with my child right now. How I see my child, how I perceive my child is equally coming from within me or and or equally coming from the moment. So we have a choice there. And just that choice allows us to potentially explore different options and actions.

Frederik G. Pferdt: So let's take a step back and I'm very curious, how did you get into that whole research and science and practice on parenting? Like what what was the the trigger moment for you?

Dr. Shefali: You know, I had been studying meditation, studying the power of the ego, the false self, recognizing within myself that I had been attached to false cultural ideals that were toxic, and seeing how culture had conditioned me, how my parents had conditioned me, and really coming to the realization that I don't really know who I truly am. So I was already on that journey and investigation. Then when I had a child, I realized, wow, I'm now going to do to my child what was done to me. I'm now going to condition my child and I'm going to put onto her, impose onto her, project onto her things that I am now battling because others projected onto me. And I was just struck by the power of that and how easily it can happen. And how parents are never called to question, called to harness, called to examine themselves. They are told, these are your values. You have every right to pass them on. And that unquestioned part of parenthood is what I began to question. And challenge parents that just because it's your value, is it the best value? Just because it's your belief system, do you have a right to pass it on to your child? And parents don't like when I say that because they feel like they own their children. So of course they're going to pass down their religion, their belief systems, their attitudes towards sexuality and race and everything. And when I ask parents to heal first, examine first, go on a journey first, they don't like it. They feel like they have every right to do whatever they want with their children, even if they're passing down something toxic. And I'm helping parents. really examine themselves so that they don't pass down something toxic to their children.

Frederik G. Pferdt: What would be an example of some of the toxic things that you've discovered in our culture that mostly are passed down, as you said?

Dr. Shefali: my goodness, I mean, don't get me started. What is not toxic, right? goodness. All our attitudes about my religion is better than yours, my God is the only God, my way is better than yours. My race is better than yours. I am better. Or our attitudes about wealth. Wealthy people are smarter people. It's important to be wealthy. It's important to be happy in the traditional way, as in. I need to be happy, otherwise, I won't be a successful person. I need to raise a happy child, right? All these ideals. I need to raise a child who is straight, who gets married, who has children, right? All these heteronormative ideals that we have around sexuality, around religion, marriage, all love, all of this. I need to raise a child who looks beautiful in cultures, eyes, eyes, who is skinny, who is. Pretty in a conventional way. All of these things are things that we attach to without examining and then pass down to our children and then teach them that their sense of worth depends on this and who they are depends on this.

Frederik G. Pferdt: So what's wrong about trying to raise a happy child or a successful child or a child that is somehow living a meaningful life, a life where they feel feel fulfilled.

Dr. Shefali: those are all beautiful things, and they're sometimes confused. So when we say, I want to raise a happy child, I want my child to be happy, what we're not realizing is that alongside that desire, request, sentiment is a condition. And the condition says that if you're not happy, then you're doing something wrong, or I'm doing something wrong. You're not a full human or a full person, and I'm not a full parent. And happiness becomes the goal. Now, happiness should be a byproduct and it should be a lovely treat, but it is not the goal. If the goal was happiness, then we would be chasing it. And happiness is not something that we can chase, it should emerge out of what you said: meaning, purpose, connection. And instead of teaching our children to be happy, which means that if they're not happy, they're going to feel lesser than. We need to teach them to feel like they can experience all of life's emotions. And it's more important to be authentic and real and genuine than it is to just chase that one emotion of happiness. Because then we will put on a performance or we will wear a mask. In order to just have happiness. We all know happiness is not a constant thing. It's not a guarantee. It's not an indicator of a good or a bad life. It just is a byproduct. And really, peace is better. Peace is deeper. Joy is even deeper. And what's even better than all of this is meaning and purpose.

Frederik G. Pferdt: So how can I create that for my child?

Dr. Shefali: Well, you do that by honoring who it is they are, as they are, and helping them live a life as close to their authentic signature as possible. So you can tell by the age of four, five, six, kind of what temperament your child has. Are they more the extroverted ones? Are they more the fiery, spicy ones? Are they more the dreamers and the introverts? Are they the creatives? Are they the Athletes, you kind of can see a blueprint emerging. So what we want to do is not take them away from that blueprint. We want them to design a life kind of as close to that blueprint as possible. And the closer the match between their authentic self and temperament and their manifested self, the closer they will be to joy. It's so with you and me, right? If I'm doing something in life that is more aligned with my nature. versus directly clashing with my nature, the the closer I will be to joy and an authentic ease with my life. And we want to do that with our children as well.

Frederik G. Pferdt: So let's go back to ego once more. So is there a practice you use yourself when you catch your own ego showing up?

Dr. Shefali: Yeah, the first thing is awareness and then a pause and then some kind of quiet contemplation, some reflection as to, yo, wow, what was that about? What is my inner child needing from me? Because it's the inner child that recruits the ego. If I wasn't feeling some fears, some insecurities, some helplessness in my inner child, I wouldn't feel the need to protect it. So the ego is always trying to help the inner child. And therefore, we need to be grateful to the ego and have, you know, humility that, the ego is just trying to survive. It's just trying to cope with something. What is really going on in the inner child? What's going on inside? And that's where you can go in and have a real honest exchange with your vulnerability. And then ask for help with vulnerability instead of trying to wear the ego mask, right? So say you're feeling insecure at a public event, but you're not in touch with your insecurity. You may put on the mask of the clown or the entertainer or the loud one or the extrovert, but that was not your authentic self. And eventually you're going to burn out, you're going to get exhausted. Because really, what was inside. was you were insecure and you actually needed a friend, but it was too threatening to go up to someone new and say, Hey, will you be my friend? So instead you put on a show. So next time you'll go and ask somebody, hey, do you want to hang out with me? Do you want to be with me? Can you be my friend?

Frederik G. Pferdt: So when we are on this ship on the ocean and you gave this talk, you mentioned an example that really stuck with me. You said that a lot of parents are coming to you with their child and they literally tell you that you need to fix their child, right? And then they, you know, meet you in Starbucks or I I think you mentioned in a coffee shop and then they want to leave. And then you said something surprising. You said that It's not that you will stay with a child and fix it. You will stay with the parents and help them to become more aware of themselves. Tell me more about how you work with parents.

Dr. Shefali: Yeah, so parents typically come to see me as a therapist, as a coach, and they come with some problem that the child is ex exhibiting in their behaviors. Johnny doesn't get up for school, Anna doesn't do her homework, Stacy is so rude, you know, Michael is always failing a class. It's something about a behavior. And the parent feels very triggered by the behavior, is worried that this may mean something very prophetic. About their future, and they want to end the behavior, the bad behavior. They want to control it. So they come to me hoping I will wave a magic wand and the behavior in the child will disappear. And so the first thing we need to understand, and I help the parent understand, is that the behavior is not the problem. There's something inside the child that is driving the behavior. And if we don't understand that, we will keep correcting the behavior on the surface, but it'll show up in another way because what's inside will show up somewhere else. The second thing I try to help parents to understand is because they have been with the child their whole life, they are co-creating this reality right now. They're co-creating the set of conditions that have allowed these behaviors to occur. And they need to take some ownership of that. Otherwise. They may keep clashing with the child and keep perpetuating the behavior. And parents often get very upset with me when I say that because they go, How am I responsible for my kid not doing homework? How am I such a responsible child or I was such a good person? How am I responsible for this? But that, and that takes months for the parent to realize, okay, okay, okay, I may be here. Interact, I'm causing it, I'm co-creating it, and it takes a long time. And then the third thing I need to show parents is that they have been looking to fix the behavior, they've been looking to correct the behavior. But the real solution is to connect to the child through creating safe spaces, through telling them you can see that they're in pain, through validating their emotions. I use the acronym V-E-N-T. Validate, empathize, normalize, and then transform. But parents want to go straight to T, but they need to understand first they need to validate, like, say, what you're feeling is valid. I'm not going to take it away. I'm going to honor it. I'm going to see it. I'm going to hold space for it. And then E is putting yourself in that person's shoes and going, my God, if that happened to me. And then normalize is yeah, what you're feeling is what everyone would feel. You're not weird, you're not dramatic, you're not emotional, you're not weak, you're not bad. And then is T, which is what else could we have done in that moment? What else could we do tomorrow? And I just try to follow this pathway, and it typically works. If I do V E N well, the T will work. But you can't ask a child to. Cooperate with you if you haven't done VEN first.

Frederik G. Pferdt: Beautiful. You mentioned that or you describe parenting as an opportunity for spiritual awakening. What does that look like practically on an ordinary Wednesday like today?

Dr. Shefali: You know, in every moment it's a spiritual awakening because to me, a spiritual awakening is a return to the present moment. It is calming the mind. It is staying in the here and now, not going to the past or the future. It is releasing control over the other person. It is trusting that you will know what the next moment will bring and you will know what to do in that moment. It is Seeing the abundance, not the scarcity, right? So if you if you understand what is a spiritual awakening, then in all these things I've talked about, every moment in life, but especially with our children, is a return to the present, return to abundance, letting go of the past, letting go of the future, not controlling the person, seeing the beauty, seeing the joy, seeing the abundance, right? So our children are always gurus of the present moment. We just have to follow them. And instead, Of following them, we typically try to control them, micromanage them. We're always talking about the doing, the do, do, do, do, do. And we're not talking about the being. And spiritual awakening involves the being state, the connected state, not the mind and the doing. So every moment, especially the difficult moments with our children, when they are not doing what we wanted, what they are not, when they're not working according to the plan. When they're not doing, doing, doing, right? Children are masters at being. And that directly clashes with our time zone, right? We live in the future and the past. They live, they live in the present. So I call it the clash of the time zones. And they are bringing us back to the present moment. They are telling us to sit in it, to be in it, to have to have that witnessing observer mentality rather than reactor mentality.

Frederik G. Pferdt: So I'm trying to be a good parent, like I think everyone who has children, and sometimes I get it wrong, right? And I ask my three kids for forgiveness and then I always tell them that this is the first time for me being a parent and it's the first time for them being a child. And so we'll need to figure it out together, right? This is a journey where we co-create our reality, as you also said. So, what is something I can do when or if control doesn't work, as you mentioned, right? I cannot control what my child is doing or how my child should be. What replaces it in the moment a child pushes back?

Dr. Shefali: First thing is if they're pushing back at you. So if they are on a screen and they don't want to get off, at that point, now screens are a little different because at that point you make a choice: is this a negotiable or non-negotiable? And for me, screens are a non-negotiable because they are harmful to the brain and the body. So in that moment, You need to create a very clear boundary in stone. You need to take away the video game, you need to turn off the Wi-Fi. You can be firm. So in that moment, if your child is pushing back at level five, you have to stand at level 10. Okay? Now let's take another moment. The child, you know, wanted another cookie and they're having a meltdown. Or the child wanted to go on a play date or to see a movie and they're having a meltdown. Now they are coming to you at a level eight. You have to decide is this negotiable or non-negotiable? And because these things are not so harmful or life-threatening, there is an opportunity to teach negotiation. So you can teach your child, right? Okay, I s so first we do V-E-N-T. The teaching is the last thing, but we do V. I see you really wanted to have the cookie. I understand. I know, I know it's hard. You really wanted the cookie, validation. Empathy. I know. I I remember when my mother took away the cookie, it felt really, really bad. I was angry at her. Are you angry at me? Empathy. Normalize. It's normal. It's I understand you want to go on the on the play date or you want to go to the movie. Everybody does. And now you get to teach. And here's where you say, I want to give you these things, but you've already had too many cookies. Or I want you to go on the play date, but you just went on the play date yesterday. Or I want you to. Go to the movies, but you have an exam tomorrow. How can we make this a win-win? I don't want you to go. You want to go. There's an exam tomorrow. Can we create a win-win situation? I'm sorry, I need to get water. I won't forget where I am. Give me a second, okay? I sorry, then I went to the re then I went to the restroom. I've

Frederik G. Pferdt: No worries, yes. Take your time.

Dr. Shefali: been talking all day, so my throat is so dry. I have all these cough drops next to me. so where did I leave? What was the sentence I said? Tell me where we left. Hmm. I'm remembering.

Frederik G. Pferdt: We left it.

Dr. Shefali: yeah, yeah. When it's about yeah. So the the nego how can yeah. How can we make it a win-win situation? Right? So let me just go back to there's an opportunity to make it a win-win situation. Can I do that and you'll tie it together? Okay.

Frederik G. Pferdt: Mm-hmm. Absolutely, yes.

Dr. Shefali: So Because these are not life-threatening, there's an opportunity to create a win-win situation. You know, there's an exam tomorrow. You want to go to the movie? I don't want you to go to the movie. How can we come up with a solution together? Right? So, in any trigger point, the first question I ask is: Is this non-negotiable or negotiable? Is this a stone boundary or a sand line, a sand boundary? And that immediately orients me on. How I need to come at it. If the child is coming at five and it's a stone boundary, I have to go higher at a 10. If it's negotiable, I can meet them in the middle. Now, just this creates some calm because I know how to act. And regardless, I need to understand that whatever my child is experiencing in terms of their feelings, it's coming from a wiring, a nervous system that is not yet developed. I always say children only act out because of three things. Number one, a nervous system that is not yet developed from a brain that is not yet developed, right? Their prefrontal cortex is going to develop by their late 20s. They have not this number two is they've not had enough life experience or practice. They're too young. They don't know cause and effect yet. And number three, they may be having some emotional problems like fear or confidence or self-worth. So once you understand this, that the child is acting out only because of one of these three reasons, you're not going to take it personally, you're not going to rage, you're not going to react. You're going to come to them with a very calm energy. And that in itself changes the game.

Frederik G. Pferdt: So our kids are growing up with phones, social media, and now AI is AI in ways we never did. So how should parents think about presence and boundaries when so much of a child's world lives on a screen?

Dr. Shefali: I know. I mean, you know that that's why I've written these two new books. If people are watching, they can see me. I'm holding it up. Raising Conscious Daughters and Raising Conscious Sons. They both come out together. And the reason why I wrote this, it's an it's a wake-up call to parents that their parenting is in jeopardy now because of technology. And if they don't rise up and employ and execute, Some very important, urgent skills right away, they are going to lose their children to this technology. And they are going to disconnect from them, and their children are going to pay a price. So these books not only wake up parents, but they also provide the tools and the blueprint. I give solutions, I give strategies, I give very easy things that parents can do today to create greater presence and connection with their children.

Frederik G. Pferdt: As you just showed our viewers and listeners that you wrote two separate books for raising sons and raising daughters. What made you feel that boys and girls need a different conversation right now, rather than one shared approach?

Dr. Shefali: Because they're so different and the algorithms know it. Technology is bombarding our boys with dopamine and activities and images from porn, adult content to video games to stimulation to adventure, because that's how the boys' brain is wired and they understand that at a very deep neurochemical level. And it's bombarding our girls with skincare and beauty products and makeup and clothes and fashion because they know that how she is perceived is very important to her because of her estrogen. She wants to be liked by everybody, she wants to be popular, she wants to fit in because women and girls are more relational because we have more estrogen. So, just on that very basic level, the algorithms are attacking your daughter and your sons very differently. And if we don't begin to become savvy, we will lose to that. And so I give very specific prescriptions for girls and for boys. But at the same time, I want to say that you may find your daughter more in the boys' book and somebody may find their son in the girl's book. I'm not trying to reduce gender. I'm trying to expand our gender to understanding of our sexual differences and our neurochemical differences.

Frederik G. Pferdt: So, as we both communicate also on social media, we both use AI, I imagine, in ways that are very creative, that allows us to do things we've probably never dreamed of. we are probably bad role models as well for our kids. So, what's the best approach here? If there is a best approach, instead of just taking away phones from our children, how can we approach this differently?

Dr. Shefali: Well, the first thing is we want to delay the screens as much as possible. We owe it to our children to protect their brains. We owe it to them to keep them away from these drugs. And that is our sacred obligation. The next thing is we need to really understand that children need our physical attention and our presence. And it's not about three hours a week when we want. It's about being available when they need us. This doesn't mean being on call all the time either, but it does mean that our priorities are centered around trying to be as emotionally and physically available as possible. And raising them within a village, calling in the support, calling in the help, calling in the tribe, but really understanding that they need us to make eye contact, to physically do things with them, and The more real life experiences they have with us, the more the foundation of connection will be sturdy and firm. You know, boys need their fathers to build fires with, to go on treks with, to go out into the world with, to be taught how to change a tire, how to cook an egg. They need physical companionship and direction. And so do girls. And there are different tasks that each one crave. For their development, and we need to step in to fill that. But it has to be through real life presence, more so today than ever. Because back when we were children, we were allowed to get bored. We had to wait for the bus. We didn't have Uber apps and Uber Eats on our phone. So we had to wait for mom to cook. We had to cook. We had to go to the grocery store. We had to wait in the movies. We had to see the movie with everybody. We couldn't just order in a movie whenever we wanted. So all of those things helped us to develop patience, resilience, creativity. We had human skills, we had interpersonal skills. All of that is going now. So we need to be more mindful as parents to introject our children's childhood with that with that analog slow cook, slow living, like how you live. ingredients. It's so important because it takes us back to humanity, to who we really are on a human level.

Frederik G. Pferdt: So I cook a lot with my kids. every evening we get together in the kitchen and we prepare different meals and we try different stuff and experiment a lot. And what I realized is that there's a lot we can actually learn from our children around how they read recipes, how they, you know, put ingredients together, the questions they ask, not just about the food, but about life in general, right? What are some more things that we can learn from our children?

Dr. Shefali: my goodness, we can learn how to be playful, how to be happy with sticks and stones. Children are really connected to the present moment and they are quite simple. We teach them to be complex and demanding and entitled, but they are really quite okay being dreamers and you know just being in the present moment and counting clouds and making faces. In the water, they don't need a lot of things. We have crowded their life with so many things. So returning to simplicity, returning to the elegance of just playing with oneself, one's imagination, and being happy with whatever is around them. You know, children have this real magical ability to be content. And that's what we adults who are eternally discontented can learn from them.

Frederik G. Pferdt: Beautifully said. So some of my son's friends listened to what I put out. I gave them also a copy of my book and so if a sixteen year old is listening to this right now, what is one thing you would want them to know that took you years to learn?

Dr. Shefali: that this life is completely yours to design. Of course, we are always in community with others, but don't let others' voices and their way of thinking and believing overtake your inner guidance. You have a strong inner guidance, learn to follow it.

Frederik G. Pferdt: I love that. So if you could hand today's teenagers one practice to carry into adulthood, what would it be?

Dr. Shefali: the practice of just having a thicker skin and not letting life knock you out and not letting people's opinions of you break you, not feeling rejected, not feeling so fragile or precious. just knowing that you can manage rejection, you can manage failure, you can manage a lot more than you think you can manage. And once you get that truly into your Psychology that you you will be okay no matter what. That self-trust will allow you to take risks and have adventures and not feel blocked or caged to any person, place, or relationship. You can leave any person, any place, any relationship, anytime if that is caging you. So feel that freedom and don't feel obligated to stay stuck in in anything in life. There's always a choice you can make.

Frederik G. Pferdt: I hope you're listening. and that's to my three kids. because that's an amazing advice. So thanks for sharing that. So how does a morning look like for you, especially when your child is around?

Dr. Shefali: Well now my child is 23. So back then when I was more a hands-on mom, you know, it was really centering myself, getting into a regulated state and getting busy, right? Getting all the jobs done for the day, but remembering that my energy is directly going to affect my child's energy and getting that aligned because how I show up, I knew and I know even today. It directly affects how they will show up. So if I want an easy morning, I need to create the conditions for an easy morning. I need to be playful and joyful and light and funny and creative and relaxed. And that's the vibe my child will vibe off. So I need to remember that I create the conditions within which my child can thrive. So I take that leadership. I take that upon me, I take that in my own hands.

Frederik G. Pferdt: I have a practice that I like to do when I'm traveling with my daughter, she's ten. So she gets mommy's phone and we have a separate group and I ask her to write me three things that she really liked about her day, right? And that could be she saw, you know, some friends or had a a play date or a sleepover or she was going to dance, class and so forth. So so simple things that are really meaningful to her. And I do the same. I write back three things that I really enjoyed in my day. What is a practice that you are doing with your daughter every evening?

Dr. Shefali: you know, I make sure that I stay very connected. we have a good night ritual, we have a hello in the morning ritual. You know, she's 23 now, so but we're very connected. And I I use the tool of texting to show love. You know, it's so easy to send an emoji. It's so easy to say, I miss you on the go. Children like that in this increasingly disconnected world. I try to stay connected. I'll try to take pictures. look where I am. Right? I use the technology to bring us closer together. you know, keeping in touch, using technology to show your children that you're thinking of them, that you're bonded to them. Share, share a piece of your life, like, I'm in this boring meeting. Take a picture of the meeting and send it. They feel included. They feel like they're part of the. parents or the adults life experience, they feel very good when we share things with them that are digestible and palatable according to their development, of course, but they like to be included. And so the phone has made it very easy to include our children without a lot of effort.

Frederik G. Pferdt: That's a beautiful way to to use technology, right? In a way that

Dr. Shefali: Yes.

Frederik G. Pferdt: helps us to connect with our children but also with our parents.

Dr. Shefali: Right, send them a voice recording, send them a face recording. It takes two seconds and it just creates that bonding. It creates that sensation that I'm not alone. my mom is thinking of me, my dad is connected to me, I'm important, I matter, especially because we can get so disconnected. We have to really over highlight our connection.

Frederik G. Pferdt: So what do you want people without children to take away from this conversation?

Dr. Shefali: That every child matters, you matter, and who you are as you are is good enough.

Frederik G. Pferdt: I love that. I think those are beautiful words. thank you so much, Dr. Shafali. I wish you

Dr. Shefali: thank you.

Frederik G. Pferdt: all the best for your book launch that is happening in September. And I definitely get both copies because I have a a daughter and two sons. So I'm really looking forward to diving into your wisdom and your knowledge and your practices that help us to become better parents. So thank you so much.

Dr. Shefali: Thank you. And I just want people to know they can get both books on my website, dr shafali dot com, because on my website I give you a lot of free stuff. A masterclass, other my community access, lots of things on my website. So you just have to upload your receipt and you'll get all the free stuff. So dr shafali dot com is a good place to go.

Frederik G. Pferdt: Amazing. We should all make use of that. So go to drchifali.com, get your free masterclass, the two books, and lots of wisdom on how to become a better parent. Dr. Shafali, thank you for reminding us that the future we want to build starts with a person already in the room looking back at us. To everyone listening, notice your own mirror this week. Notice what shows up and meet it with curiosity instead of control. This is the future is how. The future doesn't start tomorrow, it starts within. So don't wait for it. Practice it. One small thing today from within.