Reclaiming Power - Talking Shit With P

the boy started oh Paula stopped shouting
your shirt I'm like I don't give a [ __ ]

everybody should know this man is a rapist
and I was shouting I was shaking and I never

felt more free at that point [Music]

[Music] hi there thank you so much for joining
me I'm hakatay and this is finding okay a

healing podcast for survivors of sexual assault
and any and all abuse today I'm joined by

Paula mulumula Paula is the host of a wonderful
mental health podcast talk [ __ ] with P

her podcast is about Real Talk providing safe
space to talk about mental health discuss

real human issues and highlighting authenticity
she's always shining a light on people who

are working hard and pursuing their dreams
she Fosters a supportive community that loves

to learn Paula is the shit-talking self-care
Queen and there's always good vibes and laughter

when you tune in and now it's time for [Music]
trigger and content warnings for this episode

include the following trauma abuse sexual
assault rape substances sex religion and spirituality

please check in with yourself and make sure
you're all right to continue I'd like to start

with the first question are you okay

to be honest

um I don't know if I'm okay you know um how
you live every day you're trying to be positive

and you're trying to be grateful because it's
a new day and it could be worse and [ __ ]

and but when you have so much [ __ ] that's
not going right it's hard to actually be okay

but then also um I'm learning not to let my
wise affect me because um I'm not as religious

but I do pray and I found God again when I
when I went through my depression so I learned

that if you're praying on something and also
worrying nothing's gonna solve because you're

not having faith in God to take care of that
problem so I'm trying not to worry and I'm

trying to be happy so some days I am okay
and some days I'm like [ __ ] this one I

very much feel you

[Laughter] [Music]

then I wanna be okay okay I wanna be happy
but then you're also like man how can I be

okay when all this [ __ ] is going on and
I also don't want to be that person who's

constantly like [ __ ] this is wrong [ __ ]
this is wrong [ __ ] this because I don't

want to be a negative person I want to be
a [ __ ] positive light so I try to be okay

but then I also want to have fake being happy
you know that's the thing I wanna I want to

genuinely be [ __ ] happy like I strive
to be happy so it's a process yeah and it's

it's hard too because like you don't want
to be negative but at the same time you have

to be honest and you don't want to be one
of those like toxic positivity people that

are like it's like I I'm not you know gonna
manifest that negativity like everything is

like sunshine because I believe it is and
blah blah blah and like rainbow shoot out

my [ __ ] ass and like Ugh

it's not like that like it's like no there's
like [ __ ] that's very wrong in the world

and everything's on fire and like and I know
that there's a middle ground where like there's

some kind of Zen middle ground that I need
to find and I'll find it but I'm not gonna

[ __ ] lie and say it's ever it's all good
because it's not [ __ ] all good and that's

the thing

when people when when people are used to you
constantly promoting uh positivity and being

happy they constantly expect that from you
so you feel like oh my God I need to present

this way but I'm not being my authentic self
if I'm presenting that way if I'm not okay

I'm [ __ ] not okay get over it and I'll
talk but also I'm trying to find a thin line

with being negative and and and and being
positive or being positive in our authentic

place where I'm like yes um I'm not okay but
I I'm going through this this but I'm happy

but [ __ ] it no I'm not happy I don't know
if that makes sense no I I feel you like and

for me I'm like trying to like I don't I don't
want to be putting more negativity out into

the worlds but like I'm gonna be honest about
what we're all facing together and like me

being positive is instead like it's not I'm
not gonna lie to you this sucks and this is

hard and we're all in a lot of pain and everything's
very difficult no one knows what they're doing

or how to fix it um and it's terrifying like
and you know so like I'm gonna be honest uh

shits [ __ ] and you know but like but we're
all here together and and experiencing this

together and like and and so like you know
try try to like find that like that supportive

positivity like the support versus like fake
positivity where it's like no it's not it's

not good like yeah I but just sort of like
yeah just just sort of that thing like well

we're all in this hole together like and kind
of like link arms and like well we'll figure

this out or maybe not let's see but we're
not alone uh kind of where it's like I don't

know like I you know just like figure out
an okay place to land with it um yeah that's

certainly what I'm trying to navigate to I've
I've so I so [ __ ] freely with that I'm

grateful for um I have amazing people in my
life right um but not most not all of them

I get to see is often because everybody is
busy everybody's trying to figure their life

up but I have these two people um shout out
to Malaysia included without these two people

this summer this I don't know what I've done
cause we all go through [ __ ] and we allow

each other to be open right we don't care
if you every day you are you're going through

[ __ ] and you need to talk about it we
we allow each other to have that safe space

like um Malaysia me and I work together we
do events so anytime we we meet up um she'll

tell me what's going on in our life and we'll
talk about it and then I'll share then we'll

do a little bit in between gossip of whatever
is going on in the world to to cheer us up

then we'll talk about business and what we
need to change but we also like motivating

and supporting each other and just uh and
these are the people we're like yo we're I'm

broke but I need to get out of the house and
we'll just buy champagne and drink at the

at the park or you know just chill at the
balcony and smoke a blunt or but just so that

we are not alone and just having that so most
weekends if it wasn't for them I don't know

man like I get excited about weekends because
half of the time I'm home you know the sort

of like oh my God I have so much [ __ ]
I wanna do and every ship costs money and

you're not bringing in as much as you want
to to to do for all these projects that you

have so even the third of going out and spending
more money that you don't have is is still

foreign

let's do something let's instead of just being
home and worrying about [ __ ] we'll just

do something it doesn't have to be extravagant
or expensive or by you know just being in

each other with each other and either going
to dance or karaoke or poetry or it's just

you know it takes out of our own head and
just being there and yes so shout out to those

two girls man that's so important and that's
it well said because you do need those things

like because otherwise like why are you why
are you working like if you know if you're

not it reminds you that life is worth living
you have to continuously like instead of because

it can't just be scrimping and saving in order
like I'll live someday like you have to find

something and [ __ ] will always come up
they'll all you you'll be sick of family member

of music you will need this so money you can't
say that on my way to have a good time later

when I have more money and stuff you gotta
live as you're going through [ __ ] because

otherwise you will never leave and you'll
be I don't want to to exist or survive which

I am right now but I'm still trying to have
a [ __ ] good time as I'm surviving I don't

want to be those people who I'm just surviving
through life or just no I want to have a good

time even if I'm [ __ ] broke or whatever
God please I don't want to be broke forever

I'm just but all I'm saying is I want to have
those memories to share those experience into

just and as I say most people think when you
go out you have to spend 100 200 300 half

of the time when I go out I didn't even spend
fifty dollars like you know it's just finding

ways to to enjoy life in a cheap budget yeah
no and there there are definitely ways to

do that like I loved seeing um the Instagram
posts of uh like they pop up on my feed and

like I love seeing your face whenever you
pop up on my feed and it always makes me so

happy and I loved the ones of like you drinking
champagne and eating like red velvet cake

in a park and I was like yes and I only spent
less than 20 because I went to Publix if I

could have gone to Kroger I would have but
Publix was closer because Kroger is more cheaper

but I went I got my cake and I got uh and
here's the thing people think to drink champagne

you have to drink the most expensive champagne
no I drink an eleven dollar bottle of champagne

that's it and I went and I went to the park
and you know the the water the sea just chilled

and ended up running into an old friend wise
and since since 2015 when we stocked Rihanna

um together but he ended up being out he has
moved into the this side of town of mine and

we just sat there smoke the blunt with the
water and drink something it and came up and

I was so happy and I didn't even spent 20
bucks like more than 20 bucks it was less

than 20 bucks and that just makes me happy
I was in nature I was chilling I looked cute

I need some photo shoots that's it yeah little
things make me happy like yeah oh yeah no

that's the that's the thing that'll like lift
your soul and carry you through the hardship

it's important yep hmm um I would love to
hear a compliment that you've received and

that you've never forgotten

um so you see when I was growing up right
being being a tomboy and [ __ ] I never

used to think of myself sexy or hot or any
of that because I I didn't even care I love

just hanging with the guys and doing guy [ __ ]
sometimes the guy themselves will be like

you know Paula we forget your girl sometimes
can you wear a dress once in a while so we

remember yoga but then every time I do show
out because of my size and my legs and [ __ ]

I get those hot the sexual comments and I
used to be such a sexual person and those

comments used to make me so happy until recently
when I started joining um when I started podcasting

right and joining these communities and um
finally being this authentic self and just

being my positive self and a lot of the comments
I would get were um how I'm such a positive

light with good energy and I didn't know how
much that comment the compliment meant to

me until I uh because most when I started
podcasting it was um during coverage so you're

getting these compliments from online so you
don't you're like but okay I'm you're just

getting that from online you haven't like
met me or seen it so it didn't get in my head

as much until I attended um the conference
spot first this may and um I met all these

people in real life from the people who have
known each other for one year but through

the screen so finally being in each other's
presence and stuff and everybody's coming

was like okay we know you have this energy
and positive light on the screen but it's

so much louder in person that [ __ ] stayed
with me like to know that I bring that energy

around people and people resonate with me
and most of these people are the ones who

are in my season are five right now episodes
and they they talk deeply about that and to

know that I touch people in that way that's
the most amazing compliment to me like because

I don't like negativity and I don't like being
a negative in people's life I like being a

positive that's why I always tell people because
when I started my journey of healing and finding

myself I got rid of the negative people in
my life like if you're bringing negative I'm

cutting you off and I used to talk people
if I'm a negative person in your life by all

means cut me off I want I won't be mad you
gotta do what's healthy for you so to hear

I bring that positive light and energy to
these people it just warmed up my heart so

I would say that's has been the best compliment
ever and not I don't care if I'm not taught

or I'm not sexy or whatever like [ __ ]
it I'm a positive light I bring good energy

that [ __ ] just makes me happy you can
be both I can be both but I'll still take

the other one over there and the thing is
I personally know I'm [ __ ] sexy so I don't

need anywhere you know whether you tell me
or not I don't give a [ __ ] but hearing

that I bring positive light and energy into
people's lives that means the world to me

it's very true it's easy to be sexy or hot
you know that's why there are doctors and

plastic surgeons like it's very easy to be
that whether naturally or unnatural but to

be a positive light and and you know that
yeah it's gonna it's gonna come from there

yeah totally different thing yes so it's it's
so true you do radiate like this really wonderful

like warmth and just like Good Vibes like
and ever ever since like we got to know each

other um a little bit like all those years
back like like and listening to your podcast

Stephen just like it comes through in your
voice too like you have such a wonderful voice

and like even just talking to you now I get
those like ASMR tingles that like I used to

think of when when I got those tingles when
I was talking to somebody in person I used

to think of them as I want to be your friends
tingles like I don't know I don't know if

you know what I'm talking about but just that
yes if someone's playing with your hair that

like tingle on the back yeah it's just like
yes and I get that listening to your voice

I get those like I want to be your friend
tingles

it's me just say that about my voice because
I [ __ ] hate my voice like I hate editing

my episodes because I have to listen to myself
I feel like I'm so loud and like like this

annoying ish voice but a lot of people tell
me oh my God I love your voice I like listening

to you and I'm like I don't I don't see it
I don't get it like but but thank you you

do the same for me you remember you remember
when you came to my podcast and what I told

you you have this soothing voice like literally
listening to you just comes down [ __ ]

out of me like it just creates a safe space
oh thank you yeah no like you say that and

I instantly like dropped my I was like thank
you thank you

foreign

[Music]

what is your favorite color or color combination
and what do you associate with

it

and this is just the beginning I feel we're
gonna laugh so much and listen I think you're

right I think we're good like just like a
strong giggle post like energy through this

whole thing I think that's a good thing it's
a good thing and it's funny because the episode

I just um that just came out yesterday from
mine when I was when I was editing it and

I didn't even have to edit but you know you
have to listen to know if you have to edit

or not and we were laughing so much I started
laughing I was like I did not know that's

how much we loved you know because when you
I recorded it all of way back so I forgot

and then I'm listening because I'm like oh
my God we laughed so hard like we were constantly

laughing but I love it like you can tell how
happy we were and that's how I feel right

now um so back to your question of course
purple um papa is my favorite color that's

why my logo also has some glimpse of purple
and it's weird because I hate pink but somehow

it resonates to Pink especially since also
I have pink hair on me right now I love your

hair thank you darling um but I love purple
and it's so weird because sometimes saying

he saying the word Papa brings out my Indian
accent

um whenever I see the color purple it just
makes me happy it makes me feel safe I don't

know what I don't know why I don't know how
that came about but it just makes me come

like I get excited when I see the color purple
like I will end up buying [ __ ] just because

it's purple nice I I turned the um the little
Moonlight purple for you in the background

I feel like just like looking at your logo
and like something I was like I feel like

it's purple and yeah yeah but I I also kind
of like bright colors like I really love uh

yellow and and green and then later I came
to find out green is associated with mental

health but I like that bright green so I was
like oh maybe that's about bright yellow and

green yes and it's real because my house I
decorated it um mustard and navy blue because

I also like mustard because it's kind of like
yellowish stuff man my papa is mine die hard

baby nice wow like the mustard and navy that
sounds like like really I like that combination

it's not the one that I've like really thought
of but it sounds like really classy I know

I love it I like it I love it like so anytime
I walk um because I work at Home Goods right

so anytime they come out with mustard pillows
or I'm like [ __ ] you don't have money

to be redecorating but I mean I'm like oh
my God I want that I need to change my pillows

I need to get and I'm like stop it stop it
stop it

if I had to summon you in a ritual what five
things would I need to place as offerings

at each point of the pentacle on the floor

um um I'm constantly like I can never go anywhere
without a notebook or Journal I swear I buy

so many and recently I've started also gifting
them to people I feel like my friends need

to start judging stuff so I I buy I get excited
when I see that and um we're doing stationary

as well eh I'm very act like if I tell you
how many corners in my house has because I

have too many of them when I was in college
when I would go um to school one of my favorite

thing was going to the stationery shop and
picking up my stationery like I could stay

in that place for like five hours and I would
want everything even my dad would be like

how many pens do you [ __ ] I'm not I don't
know

yes oh my God I would even my dad got um because
he got so used to me buying that so anyway

you would go where the next station is with
your name fancy ones it would make them for

me and send them because I love stationery
like it would literally be like I had notepads

with my name and I had like I am a stationary
freak everybody at school was like we can't

wait to see when you have an office how your
office will be I'm like bruh everybody will

be coming still in my stationary because I
I'll be the one who's wasting all our money

on just adding Apple station foreign

and then um probably a book I love reading
I buy too many books right now I'm reading

um Gabriel unions we are going to need more
wine I'm finally getting the chance to read

that but I read a lot not as much as I would
like to these days you know you grow up and

there's so much [ __ ] you have to do that
24 hours feels like so a little with the list

of [ __ ] you have going on and the day
goes by so fast so um that will be it and

then um I am a I'm not big on Jerry as much
but rings I love rings so you know you gotta

put a ring over there like I get excited about
Rings um I have so many of even from primary

where my friends used to give them and I still
have those rings and I don't even when they

go you know because sometimes you buy cheap
rings because they look cute but then they

start dying out I'm not doing it I'm keeping
it I'm wearing it I don't care like if I love

it I love it and um how many of those three
I think that's four yeah what would be the

fifth one um let's see ah hoodie I'm such
a hoodie girl like if I could wear hoodies

throughout like I love hoodies and not just
hoodies but even sweaters with like I just

love having something to cover me it's like
a shield so these days I'm learning to buy

even t-shirts or dresses with like yes that's
me like I can't buy a jacket or [ __ ] yes

um so I think that those will be the five
items and if it's not 2D maybe you could also

put a blunt there that could work yes if we
could do that we put that right in the middle

so [Laughter] I like it but like we'll we'll
set up your five items and then like and then

like light up in the just in the center and
wait for for the spell to work yes

yeah that sounds good awesome

and what are three Essentials to your self-care
well number one you gotta always have champagne

and a blunt like they go together so they
are one you know I gotta have the champagne

and a blunt and if it's not champagne maybe
be a butt when I'm self-curing I prefer champagne

than being in my blunt and then bubble bath
no bubble butt and then um a book or a Netflix

show I I can binge like literally but yesterday
I was doing my hair I binged on two shows

while doing my hair I binged on bling Empire
I just love trashy TVs something about it

and somehow I get a creative ideas when I
watch them because they'll be doing some stupid

[ __ ] and you're like that could turn out
oh I get episode ideas because of the [ __ ]

they've been going through or stuff so um
whenever I want to find my creative side I

binge trashy TV so yesterday while I was doing
my hair I binged on um Netflix um The Bling

Empire it's an Asian show rich Asian people
oh my God I didn't know how poor I am until

I started watching the show I'm very poor
I like very very poor like I don't even know

I'll get to that level rich but it's it's
a motivation of oh my God that life exists

okay cool and I mean to watch on too hard
to handle the Brazil and the new season came

out so laughs those people got went bankrupt
in 24 hours the highest in the show by years

but yes so a book and or a Netflix show depending
on the mood and why by I mean so yeah so I

wanted to kind of start by asking about how
you got into podcasting and uh and what your

podcast has meant to you

um so during covid um this is a a very funny
story um I went through a breakup in in February

right before covid right um but then I was
busy I had two jobs you know me and my friend

Malaysia were planning our 420 events so I
was busy you know when you're breaking up

and the guy at that time had just moved back
to Canada so it wasn't even over here and

you don't think about it you're like [ __ ]
it and then coffee it happened and then I

got stuck at home with no shitty Doom so we
were drinking a lot you know I was living

at that time when my roommate who his brother
was in town and his boyfriend my roommate

that didn't drink much but she cooked so she
was the person who was feeding us and the

brother and the boyfriend drink would be like
even at 8 AM oh we're going to the liquor

store to get yeah let's do it we would always
so we were drinking a lot together and um

good thing the building I lived at um I was
very close to my friends like one of them

was walkable distance the other one was in
the same building the pool area was closed

but the barbecue area was open so we would
be like our quarantining bodies that will

chill either because it's an open air we need
fresh air we would um have space between each

other but we would just chill there and drink
and just because too much was going on in

the world so I was drinking a lot and I'm
overthinker you know I live in my head the

cancer in me has the best like um so you drink
you're with people you're happy you go home

you're by yourself with your demons I go in
my head I I start thinking about my breakup

I start crying and then in the beginning when
the lockdown happened nobody knew how long

coffee would last nobody was taking it as
serious until more days were added and [ __ ]

was getting real and you're like then in my
head I was like man do I check on him do I

not do I wanna know if it's okay and [ __ ]
and I ended up writing a very serious email

to him because we had blocked each other everywhere
and um it was kind of like me saying all the

things I didn't say when we were going through
the breakup because you know um I was at that

time when we were breaking up I was already
over the [ __ ] we were we were constantly

fighting about so when it ended I was like
[ __ ] it but then I had time to myself

and to process things so I wrote my piece
and then I ended it I hope you're okay because

I do want you to be okay this was a person
who I truly loved that is you know imagine

he was my soulmate we had plans with our life
together and [ __ ] so it wasn't just like

oh you know so I went on Twitter because I'm
a Twitter inventor I love Twitter like Twitter

is such a a space where you laugh you cry
you just talk [ __ ] so I wrote on Twitter

about the email I wrote and one of my friends
was like you know you took a lot of [ __ ]

on Twitter you should set a podcast I was
like you know what I should write because

a few years back me and my two other friends
wanted to start a sex podcast because sex

is stubborn in our country um and I like talking
about sex I like having sex I like exploring

I like but most of my African friends find
me weird because I'm constantly talking about

sex because they didn't grow up I'm talking
about sex but I grew up I was raised more

American because of my father's background
so I talk like I'll go out and if I do something

I'll be excited to show my friends oh my God
guess what I tried yesterday and don't be

looking at me like did you have to like even
I remember the first time I I made a sex tape

right I always wanted to make one and when
I finally did I didn't want to send it to

my friends because I didn't want anybody to
have it but I did uh a watch party for my

sex tape because I wanted to show people how
good my sex same one laughs [Laughter] I never

knew that was an option

you don't want people to have it so just show
it to me it wasn't really like oh my God I

come to my six but it was like we were just
chilling and this was my first White boyfriend

because I didn't want to do my sex tape with
my uh my the people who I was dating African

people because men would have sent it to their
friends next thing you know my dad on WhatsApp

came out of it so when I dated the first white
guy I dated I was like I'll do it with him

because even if he sends it to his friends
or whatever they don't know me they don't

know my family like until it comes back to
my dad or ends up where people are gonna see

it's really not that so um the girls I was
hanging out with they're like oh but Paula

you know there's a saying of white men small
dicks so they don't I was like the way I love

sex you think I'll be with somebody who can't
do that [ __ ] so I I was like wait we're

gonna do this y'all gonna watch my sex there
and and some other friends who I called from

back home and I would on the zoom and then
I would hold the phone and then watch

So eventually I wanted to have a a sex podcast
because I feel like most female um feel like

sex is just for men like no you're supposed
to enjoy too you're supposed to experience

you're supposed to know yourself you're supposed
to play with yourself yes however so you're

gonna know what you like or not so all the
stuff so we're gonna start that but KJ you're

not trying to do a show with two three people
Everybody's scared you gotta be right and

[ __ ] so it never worked out so I I couldn't
do it by myself because who starts a sex podcast

by themselves and just talk about sex like
what's the point like you're supposed to have

somebody who you like talk and bounce back
to each other and stuff so the entire idea

of starting a podcast went away until this
girl brought it up again and she's I I call

her my manager because we came up with that
she was like yeah start a podcast I was like

yeah cool we're gonna call it what we're gonna
call it she's like well you talk a lot of

[ __ ] I was like yeah I do so talk [ __ ]
whippy was born I I started getting excited

about life I literally woke up the next day
and showered which most of the time I wake

up and go to the fridge and get a drink and
start drinking until I figure out well there's

nothing else to do because everything else
is shut so I woke up showered went on Amazon

started ordering a desk to create my office
like I felt like oh my God I'm getting excited

again about life I didn't drink for almost
a week because I was just busy about what

Mike to honor what Tina laptop I was calling
my friends to get uh to get labor a logo made

I was having conversation with my brothers
I'm gonna set a podcast and share and then

it came okay so what is it gonna be about
what's my first episode gonna be about and

I was like you know a few years back when
I first started talking about depression openly

into the world I had started um uh A Thing
Called Life with life with Paula where I was

talking about my journey with depression and
we made a WhatsApp group with people who are

suffering from mental health and stuff so
I was like since I've been authentic and open

about my mental health struggles I should
turn my podcast into a safe space where anybody

can come talk whatever [ __ ] they want
to talk about it might not be important to

other people but if it's important to you
and you want the people to know about it well

then here's yourself space so the first episode
I made it about my struggles during covered

with drinking too much and um going through
a breakup and being broke because there was

no work was shut down and I wasn't getting
unemployment or any of that so and I was so

scared I think the recording part was was
the easy part the the releasing it to the

world was the other part you know I recorded
it in the day I had to go post I was like

[ __ ] this is me telling people what the
[ __ ] is going on and um I got a lot of

good feedback people were very supportive
people were shocked how I was going through

all that and I didn't know people volunteered
to help and I realized how much impact sharing

your story can bring to the world so that's
what I wanted my podcast to be about like

share your story because you never know who
it's gonna touch or it's gonna help who is

gonna reach and it's weird until today I've
never listened to that episode I can't but

it's it was it was until I think last season
but it was one of my most listened to episode

and um it just made my podcast be a open space
and a lot of people threw out I've had my

sister talk about her postpartame and if anybody
knows my sister my sister is a boujee as [ __ ]

she doesn't talk about her problem she's always
looking good and looking Rich you wouldn't

even know if she's rich or not because she's
gonna have that so for her to come share them

A coffee baby and she had all these big plans
of how she was gonna have a baby where she

was gonna have it then coffee it happened
and she had to redirect everything because

you can't fly out you can't do [ __ ] and
then she got hit by postpartum and people

don't talk about that people just talk about
oh my God the happy side of pregnancy or the

but they don't talk about the times you hate
your child but not hate bad you dislike your

job is what's going on mentally so she came
and talked about that my brother came and

shared his journey with um doing a recovering
addict because he was a drug addict and now

he's clean for almost going 10 years my sister
my cousin's sister came talk about being an

Oreo I didn't even know what the [ __ ]
being an Oreo was until she came on my show

and I've had people come and share their story
about surviving breast cancer going through

diseases so you know it's a mixture of both
but also I didn't um I advocate for mental

health and I want every episode to touch on
that but also there's a season where um I

just highlighted you know I hate this thing
when we see a lot of people out there that

are building their brands or starting something
and working so hard without any help you know

having to figure it out and creating [ __ ]
but nobody will give them their flowers until

they become known you know you have to be
on on certain level and then everybody's like

oh my God what she did was so amazing but
you have been watching them do that but because

now the world is recognizing them that's when
you also want to give them credit so I wanted

also to highlight those people because now
I'm I'm building my brand and I know how much

[ __ ] has to go into this especially when
you don't have the financial and you're just

kind of figuring it out as you go so I had
photographers you know um editors DJs whatever

you're doing that you're creating from scratch
by yourself for yourself I I wanted to give

people their flowers while they were still
because I had magazines that they're not big

or anything but they reached out to me and
wanted to feature me and hear my story so

I'm like if they're giving a platform to leader
or me it was still out here figuring it out

I want to do the same on my platform so you
know it's kind of like but also highlighting

and advocating for mental health so it's been
an amazing journey I love it I never thought

I would love it as much and I want to keep
growing it and just being part of a solution

and a safe space for people to just be their
[ __ ] self

you've been doing an incredible job and it
is incredible tuning in to your podcast and

hearing just you're just so real you're so
authentic and I think that's so important

when when you are making these spaces for
people to talk about this very raw stuff and

so and thank you for for shedding light on
all of these incredibly important things that

are happening to people and they end up feeling
so isolated so alone with these very real

experiences that are that are shared that
so many of us share um and there's just this

huge stigma and thank you for helping break
that stigma well you are doing amazing too

because you're doing almost well you're doing
well because I don't know if I'd be able to

to to listen to all the stories and and be
okay um because I've I've had some stories

in your in your platform but you are giving
this these women and these people a space

to to hear and that's important in this world
so thank you too and also it's because of

people like you people like us keep it going
and you know for anybody who doesn't know

she was also on my on my on my podcast I think
it was season three so thank you to YouTube

for sharing your story and your journey thank
you for having me that was that was like the

first time I had ever guessed it on anybody's
podcast um

and it was uh it was so scary but it was so
it was so important too um and and gave me

so much courage and just made me feel like
someone was listening um and like oh wow I'm

actually doing it look I love loving you and
that's the thing about podcasting these communities

it makes you meet people you never would have
it makes you have conversations that you never

thought you'd be able to it makes you heal
without knowing you like I every time I speak

on something or go on people and I keep talking
about here I keep healing and I didn't know

how much that was important and podcasting
has brought that so something I love it relate

to that yeah it's you you just like you as
you pour so much of yourself into it you realize

how much uh how much growth and how much healing
is is actually like happening As you move

forward you look behind you and you're like
oh wow okay right no yeah I it's it's just

been really interesting like because we've
just been this like these uh like this orbiting

like support uh like via social media like
since covid since we since we first connected

and uh and both of us doing like similar work
in in different ways and um and just kind

of like touching base with each other every
so often and yeah showing love every so often

and um and it's just been really really beautiful
um and also just really wonderful to hear

from somebody else who whose life has been
transformed by like podcasting um and I loved

uh being able to like listen to The First
like when you spoke at pod Fest um like uh

the first time um just hearing like your your
talk about how

affected like your mental health how much
how beneficial this was for you um and I loved

that um no I I tell people um I when I started
broadcasting um I was in shoe life I was gonna

love it if I was gonna last if I was gonna
do it but um it's amazing how the podcasting

Community whether it's the bus Sprout or the
portfest or but that Community those communities

have such big support and free knowledge and
people are just willing to help and support

you way more than my [ __ ] friends and
family and you're like yeah this is a community

I want to be a part of so I know I'm never
gonna be wrong when I have this kind of support

and it has just grown tremendously and there's
so many people who like you are I consider

family and I've known virtually just two years
from doing this but it's the impact that you

all have made in my life that is like wow
this is a community I want to keep on going

with I want to keep on giving back because
they give so much to me they pour so much

love and knowledge and and it's incredible
like I tell anybody that the book I don't

know if other communities are like this because
I haven't done anything to join any other

company but the podcasting community that
[ __ ] is is a big old family that's just

filled with love and support and knowledge
and I just love it uh blows it blows my mind

like my biggest experience of it was joining
like that uh the buzz Sprout Facebook group

and just like that was the first time that
I was exposed to just this this massive group

of of other podcasters and people who were
who were doing this kind of work and just

like is like stumbling into a room where all
of a sudden like everyone wants you to succeed

everyone wants you to have the tools to have
the knowledge and they're willing to just

like shower you with it and uh and just like
being in that kind of space You Realize like

oh wow all the other spaces I'm in are like
like like such support is there you know and

you're like oh my God this support is actually
exists and I want to tell you um especially

for the podcast run right You Feel the Love
on and virtually whenever they do this but

when I was in there in Orlando in that space
with this I was like I need to go to more

conferences because the vibrational God that
people oh my God podcasters are just incredible

people like I love it I was like I know first
of all your conferences need to make them

cheap because not everybody can afford that
[ __ ] but my plan is to to go to as many

as I can but if I can't protest will always
be one that I will always try to attend but

it's incredible like I love it I really want
to go I um I I had trouble um just like navigating

um the online one I would really love to go
to like the in-person one someday um that's

definitely on my list I hope they I hope they
come to New York someday that would be cool

when we had when I had guested for you on
your show um you had mentioned that you had

a story that you had a Survivor story and
that you had never really shared it and that

one day you might want to join me on my show
and talk about it and so here we are and I

wanted to ask and you can still say no I wanted
to ask are you comfortable talking about it

and do you want to share what happens yes
uh

you know it's funny right you think you're
ready to Shane you know you're ready but you're

also like oh it's yeah yeah um so when I was
in Malaysia um

I survived a rape

and um it's something I blocked for the longest
time because

I didn't wanna accept it

and it really did change me so um

we have this group of friends or we go out
you know you're in college what else you do

go out turn the [ __ ] up drink you know
so we normally go out and hang out and after

the club because most of them close the three
four people still want to drink so we go to

whoever decides to host you know you go to
whoever's house you buy more drinks you just

chill whatever so I'm a person when I get
drunk honestly most of the time I would leave

and go home

quietly I wouldn't even say bye because my
friends are those people you say but they're

like no no stay one more one more so I would
normally just leave and then when I get home

I would text and be like I'm home don't look
for me y'all have fun you know cause you don't

want people also to be trying to figure out
where you are like oh my God where did she

go or did she get kidnapped did she get lost
is yeah so um I was drunk and um I went to

to sleep in the bedroom and um I have no idea
what happened next thing I know is one of

my very good friends who I also used to be
with that in you in in UK we were together

in UK our families know each other I moved
to Malaysia she was also there she's like

my big sister and um next thing I know I hear
a voice shouting at somebody was on top of

me

and my panties were halfway so I wasn't sure
if

he had already done it or he was about to
do it and um the guy that's the [ __ ] [ __ ]

up part he was a guy who I went to high school
with in Uganda so it's not like somebody who

I don't know like we have known each other
for a long time and [Music] um people used

to call him he had a very okay if I end up
saying I was going to say something about

people might figure out who is and um well
I don't care this one but he had a weird head

you know so we used to make fun of his head
and um most girls didn't like him because

of his attitude of [ __ ] but I was a tomboy
so I got along with guys but that doesn't

mean I Wanna [ __ ] you or be with you um
I just like hanging out with guys um so um

my friend started my sister started shouting
what the [ __ ] are you doing get off and

you know you're not sure if you're dreaming
or you are there so I had a noise but I didn't

know what the [ __ ] was going on and then
um she got me and she started uh so the commotion

was going in the bedroom and some people came
and um she was like no we're not gonna make

a big fuss about it right now and to put unless
Paula wants people to know um so we we got

out she she got me out of the bed uh we went
downstairs we're trying to live and this at

this point it was in the morning like the
sun was out and um I still wasn't [ __ ]

sure what the [ __ ] was going on and um
I just knew my my sister I called her my sister

was very angry and shouting and people started
coming downstairs like yo what's going on

why are you guys leaving what just like no
we gotta go so we went home I showered and

I slept I didn't want to talk about it I I
just felt so ashamed like things were starting

to make sense but you know what you don't
even want to ask because you don't want to

know then when I walk up to eat it was in
the evening and I was like so my sister came

and was like are you okay I'm like I'm not
sure can you tell me what's going on so she

was like oh I found him on top of you I'm
not sure if he had finished or he was about

to start but we can go to the hospital and
check so that you can file figure out what

the [ __ ] is going on I was like I don't
want to know

she was like Yeshua because you know after
a second after after a certain time they won't

be able to figure it out so this is your window
I was like I don't wanna know because I was

embarrassed and you know you're trying to
be like it's my fault I got drunk I passed

out even though I took myself to the bedroom
this man literally came to the bedroom to

find me but I didn't wanna know I I felt it
was my fault I felt I shouldn't have put myself

in that position [Music] so

I didn't want to know and I started crying
she hugged me and um I blocked it you know

where you just don't [ __ ] Wanna Know but
I didn't also want to be around those people

I didn't want to go out I didn't want to go
clubbing I didn't want to see anybody because

in my head there was so much going on like
I'm blaming myself I'm embarrassed but then

again I'm like questioning why the [ __ ]
would you do it did you did you do it were

you about to do it and then I'm also wondering
what other people know you know what did he

tell other people what part do they know what
are they thinking about me so it was all that

[ __ ] going in my head and

I just didn't want to see his face so I hid

and um it took me a while but every time my
sister went out I wouldn't go out and every

time he saw that man she would just cuss at
him and start something and tell people can

you all still be hanging out with him when
you all know what he was he did and he kept

saying I didn't do anything I was drunk I
don't even know what the [ __ ] is going

on and this is things I'm hearing from when
my sister comes home from the club because

I wasn't going I wasn't and he tried to wanna
meet up with me and talk but I wasn't in that

space I didn't want I didn't want nothing
to do with him and

nobody ended up saying anything we just supported
me more cause regardless I felt like apart

from my sister I felt like nobody stood up
for me you know and the fact that they were

still hanging out with him just made it even
worse that means you picked aside that oh

just because he was drunk it was okay and

I think what had more was

how is the Tomboy these are my boys you know
so to have yo boy do that and the rest of

your boys

still in that that was the more painful thing
and my life changed after that I realized

that as much as I love patting and drinking

I had to be careful who I'm around [Music]
and so I stopped hanging out with most of

those I stopped

it's funny because um I think around that
time right um I ended up losing my passport

not at the same time but after a few months
I ended up losing my passport as I was going

to school to renew my my Visa so I had to
go home for a minute and um when I went home

foreign

it felt like a new surrounding because in
my head I was like people back in Tanzania

don't know this happened in Malaysia right
so I kind of found myself again by Namo in

a more stronger person away

I realized that

people are gonna label you whatever the [ __ ]
they want whether you're in the right or wrong

and I took charge of my own sexuality because
of that

so

I ended up using sex kind as a weapon you
know I'm not destructive like I didn't want

to date but I was gonna [ __ ] whoever I
wanted to [ __ ] and I just became a [ __ ]

for a minute

I was like since men can literally do anything
with no consequences right they can just take

so let me do the same and then um my passport
took longer so I had to to to I couldn't go

back for my semester because I had missed
half of it so they told me to start all over

again so when I went back to Malaysia I stopped
hanging out with those people I stopped thinking

out with the Tanzanian Community I stopped
going to the Nigerian African clubs I started

hanging out with my Malay people I made new
friends one was Sri Lankan one was

um from Dubai one was two Malaysians who just
we would drink at school in campus after class

we had our sporting Starbucks right would
literally said that seat would go to class

leave our banks they're like even Starbucks
people knew that table was the hours and we'll

get the Starbucks cups we'd bring liquor from
home and pour it into the Starbucks cups and

just chill or meet up in our houses and smoke
plants and eat and people didn't see me but

I think deep down I was still kinda embarrassed
that I allowed myself to be in that situation

and um I felt bad for myself and then

I started

having regrets of not actually going to check
and finding out if I was actually raped or

about to be raped

and

that [ __ ] distracted me a lot and I think
I was using my new group to hide out even

though I was enjoying it and I was richer
half of the time in my house um which I liked

it because I learned how to be my own person
and figure out who the [ __ ] I am but I

also felt like I was using it as a hiding
out because I didn't want to face them they

were still like what are they thinking about
me what did they talk what do they know

so I finally told my sister is ready to face
this [ __ ]

and whether I did it or it didn't until today
I don't know but I don't know he was trying

to do it regardless because you aren't and
I met up with him I didn't set up a meeting

because I was like you you don't deserve me
setting up a meeting what you deserve is me

popping up on you so I did a pop-up he was
chilling with his boys drinking and those

same boys were supposed to be my boys oh I
went off at this point I was like unless I

speak up in class I'll still have that I'm
embarrassed inside of me and I shouldn't [ __ ]

be embarrassed because I did nothing wrong
yes I got drunk so what that does not mean

because I got drunk you have the right to
to take something from me yeah so I faced

him and I called him a rapist and he kept
on saying oh I didn't rape you oh that's not

what it is I was drunk I'm like oh so it's
okay if I'm drunk for everybody to think you

can take but it's okay for you to be drunk
and wanting to commit something make that

make sense and the boys started oh Paula stopped
shouting you say I'm like I don't give a [ __ ]

everybody should know this man is a rapist
and I was shouting I was shaking and I never

felt more free at that point at that point
I never felt more free because at this point

I didn't care who knew at that that moment
I didn't care who knew or what they thought

or how they felt but you trying to make me
feel like I did something wrong by getting

drunk that was not right so I did call him
a rapist and um I did tell him of his face

and

until today says he didn't do it I don't know
if I believe it

but um

I felt good after that I know I I didn't I
haven't shared the story out openly or whatever

but to me that was my moment that was my moment
of letting go there embarrassing [ __ ]

I felt that being judged questioning what
people know about the situation and and I

cast everybody was there that still hanged
out with him and never came to me to ask to

question to wonder whether I wanted to talk
about it or not you is my boys my friends

you should have come to me and let me tell
you like I don't want to talk about it when

I'm ready I'll tell you but none of you showed
up for me but you're constantly still with

this man who might have or might have not
raped me but still was thinking about doing

it regardless it's that part because people
kept on saying oh you were both drunk you're

not sure what happened I'm like it doesn't
matter I was sleeping in a room it's not like

I pulled his hand and we went to the room
or something he doesn't mind I was sleeping

in the room he came way after into a room
found me sleeping and tried to do whatever

the [ __ ] he wanted to do that that was
the problem so whether I was drunk or not

whether he did it or not he was planning to
because in my head I'm like okay so what if

my sister hadn't walked into the room

yeah so yeah and that you were unconscious
in a bed surrounded by people you thought

you could trust thank you where is the [ __ ]
fault I think I'm so glad that you know like

and that at that time like you knew that it
wasn't your fault like as as much as like

you struggled like I mean we we all due to
varying degrees like experience that that

shame that embarrassment that blaming yourself
I'm so [ __ ] glad that you knew like on

some level like this was not my [ __ ] fault
and like this was a betrayal this was an assault

and this man is a [ __ ] rapist and all
of these people that are sitting around him

are enabling him and all of them betrayed
me as well like and I'm so [ __ ] glad that

you got to like say that to his face I think
that was my most proudest moment because I

was like if I I don't think if I had said
it to him I would have healed in some way

because I will I would still be blaming myself
deep down no wondering or being ashamed so

I'm glad I faced him I'm glad I said what
the [ __ ] I said and and because in my

head I was like why the [ __ ] am I the
one hiding well he still gets to to be out

and do his [ __ ] and move softly so he
became that anytime I would meet somebody

with that person I tell him be careful with
him as a rapist and I didn't care and I and

at one point he came to me and was like you
need to stop saying that otherwise I'm like

please do because I could show you too and
I have evidence somebody saw you on top of

me with my panties down so it's not just that
he said she said type of [ __ ] no and just

because you apologize and your apology itself
is I was drunk it's not like you took ownership

it was just like I didn't trip you I was drunk
I don't care if you did it or not you were

about to do something on a person who was
blacked out in a room and you should you were

somebody I trusted yeah song it took a while
and um that that the other part is um I didn't

wanna also um go through all that because
my dad loves the hell out of me and if my

dad had known at that time boy that boy boy
that boy would have and mind you my dad is

a lawyer back home so you right so I also
didn't wanna put my dad through that process

because my dad would have started worrying
so much about me especially me being also

in a different country and all that so but
one thing I'll give myself is I'm glad I stood

up to him at the end of the day I'm glad I
said what I needed to say and um that [ __ ]

felt so good and summer you know eventually
when I when I started getting of uh all the

the shame the blaming the I came to realize
that at every situation you have to

to take the lesson that it brings into your
life and that [ __ ] brought a lesson that

you are you're in college you're a teenager
drinking was what you know drinking blacking

out who didn't do that [ __ ] in college
so it's not like you know but also it made

me learn to to to to to to to know my limit
or also to learn how much to drink when I'm

around certain people and it reminded me that
going home is always the best option because

I trusted these boys and I thought you know
this was our horse we we have hanged out to

that house so many times so it was like me
sleeping in a room when I'm drunk shouldn't

have been an issue or an opening for somebody
to be on top of me but and it also brought

me to to take my ownership like

not my whole face and all that made me learn
that sex isn't something to be ashamed of

because um sadly most people when they get
raped they start hating the idea of sex as

well you know cause you go through that shame
and you start hating that did because every

time it brings you like somebody took that
away from you but I had to learn to take power

in that instead of allowing it to to victimize
me oh so I was like okay so y'all think sex

is the [ __ ] okay so let me Empower Myself
by that so I'm grateful I just wish I didn't

have to have gotten to that through that way

but it did get me to be a a much stronger
woman and learning how saying no even if I've

made out with you and I've played with you
this doesn't mean that I have to [ __ ]

you even if um I decide to foreplay with you
doesn't mean that we have to go all the way

and even if I wear a short skirt or drink
too much or flat with you doesn't mean that

we you have to [ __ ] me and that empowerment
was

something else and I don't think maybe I would
have I don't know but I try in every situation

to to to find the outcome of it the best outcome
of it and I think this was the best outcome

for me and for the person I am I wouldn't
want to have gone through that to find it

doesn't get credit out of this [ __ ]

and since then

um

I still have that regret of not going to check
of not actually handling it on the first spot

so but I truly truly truly from the bottom
of my heart wouldn't have been able to go

through this [ __ ] without Comfort that's
my sister who listened had cried with me never

judged me and whatever I wanted to do she
was willing to be okay with it and I appreciate

her for trying to push me to go get checked
and file police report and all that because

that's what I want for any other woman to
do [ __ ] these [ __ ] or [ __ ] whoever

ends up putting you in that position but you
will regret not taking the steps and um a

few years later

one of somebody I know got tripped by somebody
I know

and she didn't tell me when it happened because
she knows how this [ __ ] means and when

she finally came and told me

my first my first thing was like why the [ __ ]
didn't you tell me and she was like Paula

you would have killed this person

and I would have made a report and and she
didn't want to make a fuss about it she didn't

want her family to know because she was going
through the same emotions I was going the

feeling embarrassed the feeling shitty because
it was the same you trust this person and

this person we know and he gave her a ride
home and she was drunk and he took advantage

and I was like I'm sorry but I'm not gonna
smile that person I went off on that person

I'm like I know you don't want people to know
but you can't also make me shut up and not

go off on this person am I respect all your
other wishes but and I told her I wish you

would have filed and gone I know it's embarrassing
I know you feel embarrassed but you are not

in the wrong so I feel like maybe if I had
done that from the early on maybe when she

went to it she would have been able to do
the same so I know I've taken my time sharing

my story

but I hope by sharing it when somebody else
goes through that they take the action way

for way in the beginning than later because
maybe it would have saved my friend from feeling

the shame and the embarrassment because it
took her telling me that what she went through

then I told her my story and in my head I
was like if I had shared this way sooner

maybe she would have handled us a little bit
different and not to felt that shame and that

blaming and that what she saw

my story thank you so much for sharing it
and I know that I know that you sharing it

now is gonna help people who um who maybe
are tuning in who have are looking for support

who have maybe just had this happen to them
um and I want to say this if you're out there

and going through this oh end up going through
it don't protect this person

because

I heed for a whole minute because I was protecting
this person because of the shame I was feeling

because of the judging myself and questioning
myself and blaming myself while he was still

out there living his best life when I wasn't
in the [ __ ] wrong so what if I was drunk

so what if I passed out that does not give
a right to anybody to do anything to you just

because you were drunk and I wish I'd listened
to my friend and take an action away earlier

because they deserve the consequences they
deserve whatever comes out from you sharing

real reporting you're doing that and you should
never feel sorry about doing that for yourself

and you heal a little way more faster compared
to putting it down there

and I wish I had somebody who had told me
that

something that's worth mentioning is um it's
always uh and because we're talking we're

having an international conversation right
now so this this happened to you in a different

country um it's always good to know what the
um what the laws are about reporting or about

testing in your country because in in the
US in America you um you are able to go in

and get the the rape kit done get the test
done and you don't have to file a report you

can um and there can there is an advocate
that uh that will be there with you when you

get that done and then they can hold on to
that kit to that evidence and I can't um I

think it might depend on which state you're
in how long they hold at um anywhere from

like six months to two years I think it increased
to two years uh when a Survivor like fought

uh and took it to the courts um but they are
required to hold on to that uh to that evidence

and you have that amount of time like a year
two years I will check and I will put that

in uh episode notes to clarify that time to
uh to wait uh so you can file a report later

while you decide what you want to do but you
do have that small window of time to get that

kit done um I wish I had known that the summer
for some reason I thought when you go in to

get tested that means if if the results come
out that means you have to report so that

was my fear and the thing is also about Malaysia
is the Islamic country with all these weird

rules so I wasn't sure what the rules was
but then in my head it was just like

if I get tested and I found that history it
wasn't the fear of knowing that if I if I

was raped or not it was the fear of it being
reported and then everybody knowing oh [ __ ]

she got raped because she was drunk that judgment
that embarrassment all that [ __ ] but if

I um I also have to find out the Malaysian
laws or whatever but if I had known that you

can get tested and it stays for two years
that it remains confidential between you and

whoever is checking you until you're ready
that gives you time to process I would have

definitely done it while I figured out my
emotions and feelings and work through that

but it's something good to know right now
so I I if you're listening to this and if

you end up getting ripped just get it tested
it's better to have the evidence than come

and regret to the attackers I'm telling you
for real I regret not reporting that [ __ ]

yeah and that's a regret I'm gonna live with
for the rest of my life because I can't do

[ __ ] about it right now but I can share
my story but that's what you're doing it right

now yeah but um and again to me um I don't
know if it was him finishing or starting so

there's that part that I'm missing but it's
always good to know and I wish I'd found out

and not to be intact and but still [ __ ]
that [ __ ] whether he was he hadn't yet

done it he still didn't need to [ __ ] be
on top of me taking out my panties

while I was drunk sleeping mind you I would
understand if I was drunk and you know we

were grabbing each other and [ __ ] and
but dude I had left the sitting room where

everybody was chilling walked to the bedroom
to sleep

so sometimes I try to remind myself that I
had taken out myself from that situation as

best as I could but you still came after me
that was already wrong and you were alone

you were isolated he thought like you can't
tell I don't give a [ __ ] if he was drunk

like that was like calculated as [ __ ]
like he was trying to take advantage like

you were unconscious you were alone he thought
he could get away with some [ __ ] and that's

what he was trying to do I'm so glad that
your sister like that your friend was was

there with you oh yeah she she doesn't get
drunk because she can drink like I I like

whatever and I think she saw him going and
she wondered why it was taking a little bit

longer so she came to check but also um the
thing is um because me again I tell I tell

people like anybody in Malaysia knows me I
used to anytime I see I'm drunk even whenever

I'll go home for vacation I have literally
lost like I would rather go home than continue

staying when I know I'm drunk so I always
leave that's my thing but um so I think maybe

it's always wanted to do it but because I'm
always leaving to go home there's never I

will never end up in a house party I'm never
that drunk or pass out in a sofa where everybody

is so this was the first time like oh she's
passed out and in the bedroom so I feel like

it was calculated because that opportunity
finally presented itself because I'm always

going home or maybe I might pass out in a
sofa but if we're in the sitting room and

everybody's there you can do [ __ ] so yeah
that's some evil [ __ ] very much I'm so

sorry and I don't even get it how do you even
enjoy I don't know I wouldn't even enjoy sex

with somebody who's conscious like I'm sick
like what the [ __ ] is wrong with these

people

um most of us to be moving I want to hear
about the first morning I want to hear like

how do we like it's a dead crops like what
the [ __ ] are you even enjoying like just

gross right down we will have to be screwed
up in the head to think that [ __ ] somebody

who's blacked out even gives you pleasure
or makes you happy like I have to I have to

think it's like it's using it's using somebody
as an object like for your own pleasure and

then there's also like the power thing and
the violation thing on top of it like you

it like if somebody's doing that like you
are a predator and you are seriously [ __ ]

up like like make it make sense like what
part of that is fun I don't know

but yeah so moving forward like how did you
how did you like you you had that um like

telling them off is that the major thing that
helped you like moving forward as I'm I'm

curious like how you how you moved forward
and how you found strength and uh and what

your healing Journey has been like oh yeah
telling him off because you know um I was

hiding from from them for for a minute right
I didn't want to go out I didn't want them

to see me I didn't want to see him but then
I was depriving myself of a good time because

of being scared to bump into him or to see
his face so when technically I did nothing

wrong so when I came to realize that that's
why I didn't even want to have like a one-on-one

sit down with him I was like [ __ ] no Anna
pop-up while he's having a and when I started

saying the words and calling him a rapist
and all saying you you you you you raped me

and then he coming saying oh I didn't I didn't
rape you I was just drunk I don't even know

what I was doing and I was like well you were
trying to rape me whether you didn't do it

you were still trying to so me saying those
wives and literally they were sitting outside

in a club and I was saying it in front of
I didn't give a [ __ ] was there so at that

point that's when I was like I'm not like
that really helped me because at that point

I didn't care who knew I wasn't embarrassed
anymore because it came to realization to

me it's not my fault you it's your fault I
did nothing wrong so telling it out I don't

think I would have felt better if I had a
one-on-one sit down because I would still

be wondering what do people know what did
he go and tell his boys what did he you know

so me saying it right there outside the [ __ ]
club in front of everybody Angels shouting

I was literally shaking I felt like I was
taking power of myself ownership of myself

and that's the point where I was I this [ __ ]
ain't gonna hold me back anymore that's incredible

I'm so excited and that you've like had that
and that's what he deserved you deserve to

be called out and like in front of a crowd
of people like that's like this story is like

like I this gives me life

and I think or fall down like being able to
do that no it is also it also taught me that

throughout my life to constantly stand up
for myself no matter who's or what like to

to to say My Truth like [ __ ] you so since
then I haven't been whether it comes to friendships

or anybody like I will tell you what the [ __ ]
I think was going on like I think it came

from that moment there because I felt like
I took my power back because for the longest

he took my power because I was the one hiding
out I was the one blaming myself I was the

one feeling embarrassed I didn't wanna by
saying it there and not caring whether people

could hear me whether or whoever is gonna
think what or what they're gonna talk afterwards

but I said my peace in front of everybody
and I said my truth and I faced my Vic my

I I no longer start like a victim and that
was the most refreshing I felt and after that

I didn't hold back I started going out just
not to the the same people I started doing

me loudly and proudly and I started [ __ ]
for fun loudly and proudly

[Laughter]

I love you too [ __ ]

oh my God but yes so it was a healing moment
for me that's why I am for whoever is going

through this so we'll go through this face
that [ __ ] and don't do it in the meaning

of anyone embarrass him in front of his people
his peers take your [ __ ] power back and

let him live in his shame yeah because they
deserve to feel this [ __ ] the problem

is like they're living in the system where
like where they face no almost no consequences

and why should I feel shame for something
you [ __ ] did yes us and like we need to

turn those fingers right around and shame
these workers and it's so empowering like

you feel so free after doing that I felt free
and I just learned out to to not live in my

shame like because I was living in my shame
and after that I learned not to live in my

shame and um do me and it felt like I knew
me was born like after that I I did not give

a [ __ ] what people saying what they thought
what I don't give a [ __ ] I said my pills

and I told him you should be lucky I didn't
press charges cause my dad would eat you up

if I call my dad right now and tell him what
you did you you in the in less than 24 hours

you'll be in jail

so I'm giving you your freedom but I'm still
gonna shame you you're gonna live freely but

everybody's gonna know what you did so I said
so anytime I would see him out and I'd say

with a guy he's a rapist and I'd walk off
good for you

that's like that's what it takes like we should
be we should be sharing this information with

each other like I'm a huge fan of when you
like uh it's starting to happen and like uh

women's bathrooms like writing like a like
men to watch out for and like

it's like no like we need to know like you
know like we need to be sharing with each

other like whether we're friends or not whether
we hang out or not whether we like each other

or not like we should be telling each other
who the rapists are uh and like and calling

them out and uh and making sure that everybody
knows like because we should all know and

and it's funny because um me and him went
to school together in Uganda right and I actually

um used to date um I think maybe this should
have been a clue I used to date his um one

of his friends and um in Uganda it was a boarding
school and um I those one that was a blackout

right and uh me and this guy um we had sex
in the classrooms when everybody was supposed

to be in the door in the dorms because it
was dark so we kind of sneaked out met in

the classrooms [ __ ] but then the next
day the rumors started going oh Paula and

then [ __ ] in the classroom and I was wondering
where um so I stopped this when me and that

boy broke up because I was like if it was
just me and you who knew that means you went

and told your boys and your boy spread it
or you spread it either way I get a link when

boarding school in high school and you got
excited about [ __ ] your girl and maybe

you shared it with your boys but your boys
didn't take your loyalty and they started

going you know because the boys always get
the high five and then the girls are being

looked at even if that's your boyfriend at
that time but it's still like and you know

when you're in when you're in boarding school
and these rumors are going you can't escape

them because it's not like a normal high school
where you go home and then you come back the

next day you literally live together in that
one fall for the whole semester so there's

not escaping it everybody is talking about
it and I was just like and I was like okay

so I [ __ ] my boyfriend why is it such
a a thing but I became a thing and me and

him broke up right um and then um good thing
it was like two weeks to school ending and

when we went home for holidays I I threw a
party right um at my grandmother's house and

um I swear this is how tanzanians are connected
this is why I never made a sex tip with a

Tanzanian because we are somehow so connected
so um I was actually living my my school in

Uganda for good I wasn't going back that semester
that's why to me I didn't care okay latest

news for whatever I'm not coming back this
semester but I hadn't told anybody even getting

a transfer letter from my principal I told
them I was applying for a visa to go to the

UK to visit my family so I just needed a letter
to prove that I'm a student here and I'm coming

back but then later was to go to look for
a transfer school back in Tanzania so when

I um I was doing a party to celebrate so I
hadn't invited those boys because I was like

[ __ ] them me and him broke up and whether
him or his boy is desperate by rumors I don't

care so I'm not having them but um one of
the other guys who are invited who I know

from back home his friends with those guys
saying in Tanzania you have a party everybody

invites everybody it turns into so they're
working and I'm like how the [ __ ] are

you even guys here they're like oh we're friends
with this is this so um the guys tried to

kinda make things work and I was like sorry
you know you're going back there I'm not coming

back I'm done with that school and [ __ ]
and at that time I didn't even found a new

school yet like literally my dad kept finding
all schools for me and every school I went

to wouldn't um let me in because this the
Ugandan system and the Tanzanian system was

different so if they wanted me to transfer
I had to redo the class because in Tanzania

When You Reach um form two which was known
you had to take a a national exam and in Uganda

you don't take a national exam so because
I didn't have a national exam results I couldn't

go to the next class I had to redo that so
every school I went wouldn't let me even though

my grades were good I had the paper whatever
so finally literally my dad was about to live

in a week school was about to start I already
told everybody in my boarding school in Uganda

that I'm not coming back I was like man I'm
not going back I already told everybody I'm

not coming back like so we went to this school
which is known for the rich kids who don't

want oh their parents just have money and
the kids don't want to study in other schools

which they're just known for so we went I
didn't even see the Headmaster what grade

are you my dad even say the wrong grade and
I could have actually climbed one class higher

but I corrected my dad and the record is coasters
on Monday you can get the uniform here pay

the amount here and I was like wait what

[Applause] and he really needed and he needed
a boarding school because my dad traveled

a lot right so he needed a boarding school
where I could be at school for the whole week

and then maybe weekends come home when he's
around I was like okay this works [ __ ]

it I was like that is the easiest School I've
ever gotten into like they didn't even look

at my transcripts they didn't even look at
[ __ ] my Dad paid right over there because

he was scared if this was a scam we went and
had uniforms the next thing I know next week

I was starting at this school and I was like
okay cool so I never ended up going back but

then now to think about it that that incident
happened in Uganda and this boy was friendship

with that guy so as he always wanted to [ __ ]
me since then because maybe he thought his

boy got it easy but in mind I'm like you don't
know I was dating that guy like he was my

boyfriend but everybody everybody forgot the
part of that was Paula's boyfriend was just

like Paula [ __ ] the guy in a classroom
on a blackout like that was the entire story

it was like oh but it was his boyfriend have
been dating the whole semester or none of

that no I was just like huh so maybe the other
one also started the rumors because you literally

just tried to rape me but and so when we went
back home uh when after Malaysia after that

incident happened after I faced him when we
went back home I literally looked up all those

guys who were his friends and I told them
I was like your friend I don't know if you

guys are still friends with this person but
he's a rapist he he raped me

[Music]

but my ex um that guy um ended up hitting
me up and I was like hey can we meet up you

want to talk and he came he was very sorry
and and you know it was like yeah I don't

talk to him anymore but it's so sad that he
did that to you I'm sorry whatever it was

very nice we reconnected he was dating somebody
else moved on with his iPhone we talked about

other [ __ ] but I did that like I was like
you think you're just this is gonna end here

in Malaysia no we are all tanzanians we're
all going home they're gonna know too you're

my [ __ ] hero

swear and that that was all that that was
from because I was still really really regretting

not reporting him so I was like okay since
I can't report you now I'm still gonna make

sure that people [ __ ] know and he was
like I'm no longer embarrassed I'm no longer

shameful I'm no longer whatever so yeah well
I mean you leave the consequences up to the

community like those are his consequences
and sometimes like you know you never know

how you know any of the legal stuff goes like
sometimes those can be heavier depending on

the community those those consequences can
be heavier than like the actual consequences

he could have faced in like a court of law
yeah never know who knows exactly and um and

the thing is um what was I gonna say also
um the the group those boys who we all used

to hang out with I stopped thinking out to
them you can because and I think that's when

I started learning about cutting people off
I'm like if you're all okay with it

yeah and most of them are like but how sure
are you maybe we talk to him and talk I'm

like because none of you even came and checked
on me asked me and the fact that you're still

hanging out even if you had to talk to him
or whatever I don't give a [ __ ] you didn't

have that same talk with me so to me you are
associate maybe you also help them plan it

because you seem very easy Coco kayaking no
so [ __ ] auto yeah I can't imagine like

not at least having questions for you like
what the [ __ ] my friendship changed and

when I went back to Malaysia I became a whole
new person new friends new lifestyle new world

I was even even the one time I took my my
new friends to a Nigerian club right and everybody

was like oh my God we haven't seen you for
so long I agree to me like three months I

haven't been to the club where have you been
I've been I was like I've been hanging with

more real people give a [ __ ]

and it was my last year in Malaysia so I just
I made those connections those people still

in my life today we went to we ended up going
to France we had a bar and [ __ ] that everything

but I feel like if I hadn't stood up to him
that [ __ ] would have but I stood up to

him and I told everybody I told all of his
boys back home and it was nice for those who

actually reached out and you know by him

good for you you deserve like real people
you deserve good people in your [ __ ] life

and I'm so glad when you found them and that
you took the steps that you needed to to bring

them into your life yep I'm big on that that's
why I tell people if I'm negative to you cut

me off like I'm big on everybody having the
right people you know when you're growing

up you want to have many friends you think
that having many friends is that makes you

happy and [ __ ] and then and I'm a friendly
person like literature even when I was graduating

my dad was like I don't know if I throw you
a graduation party where I will do it because

you have so many friends that I don't know
where I can host all of them like I have friends

who are way older than me way younger than
me middle class like I'm a very friendly person

I make friends with everybody because in my
head I'm like you never know where you're

gonna meet this person you know and as long
as you're cool and fun I will be your friend

I told my dad I don't want a graduation present
just put me in the hotel I stayed in our hotel

right near my house like literature from the
hotel to my house I couldn't walk and that

day I was checking that hotel they've never
had as much noise when I was staying there

because all my friends would come would hang
out by the pool would play games with drink

would swim then would go out would come back
we made so much noise I wonder how they never

threw me out but as I was checking out to
leave the ladies at the reception they're

like so where are you traveling from I'm like
oh I'm from Denver like oh so where do you

stay I was like right around the corner like
what why were you staying in the hotel I was

like I didn't want a graduation present I
wanted to stay in a hotel for my graduation

present we're gonna miss you you made this
hotel survive with the amount of people that

were coming in now so I I've always been you
know people person and people pleaser and

[ __ ] and now I'm going older and realizing
half of my the people in my life I just there

for the good times but when you're really
going through [ __ ] half of those are not

so that's when I started you know what I'd
rather even have five [ __ ] friends but

I know those [ __ ] five friends will come
through whether it's a good time or a bad

time and it took a process and now I'm this
and now I'm like cut people off like even

on my timeline I unfollow people I don't know
I don't care even if we have known each other

since childhood if your social media is just
giving me negativity or [ __ ] I don't wanna

see I will be the first one to hit and follow
because I don't want that like research these

days my my social my Instagram is filled with
podcasters every time I roll it's it's it

it's sport first Smash Bros podcasters and
[ __ ] like foreign

Ty and you know if you want to live a positive
life you have to get rid of the negativity

um and in these two years I've cut so many
people off and people would ask me they'll

be like oh I don't see you with this and this
anymore I'm like I don't fight with people

like I love all my friends I'm not fighting
I didn't argue I didn't it just comes a time

where you realize you all don't serve each
other's purpose like we can love each other

from afar support each other and just it doesn't
have to be wrong and I'm telling people I'm

like if you are constantly telling people
to leave toxic relationships and all that

and if people who have been married for 20
plus years can divorce and end their marriages

and break up what makes you think friendship
is not the same this [ __ ] out my little

one my name and if you're they weren't in
serving you there is no point and all this

[ __ ] Jack makes people feel stupid because
non-new friends but the new friends I've made

are more supportive than the old ones I've
had for constant so no yes new friends yes

new connections and [ __ ] toxic friends
and negativity yeah but people don't talk

about that they just talk about the relationship
part but it's the same with friendship it's

so real yeah no like friends can be abusers
that's so real I had to cut out an abusive

friend and and and the friend breakups like
we we act like romantic breakups are more

important or more devastating like oh ending
a friendship like it's just a significant

you know there were worse than than breakups
because breakups you know you always any any

relationship you said there's always this
part where it could go either way that's why

I'm all about prenup because you never know
I will sign a [ __ ] prenup because I'm

not saying I'm wishing for for the end but
[ __ ] happens but with friendship when

you when you enter friendship you never think
about that and you're just like oh my God

I'm looking for everybody and and you do a
lot more with your friends because guys come

in and out your friends have been through
and I've I went through some [ __ ] with

my best friend and that [ __ ] was so painful
we are we are we are we are now back talking

but you know it's never the same cause at
one point I feel like we were both toxic to

each other and we had to heal that so we spent
like a year without being in each other's

life and that was the most saddest [ __ ]
even most of my friends who have broken up

with it pays me more than any [ __ ] breakup
with a guy that I've gone through because

I heard my friends I love my friends well
my friends are my family like where she plays

me more about people think oh she was just
your friend you're gonna be no that [ __ ]

is painful it's not easy getting rid of friends
or even finding that type of friendship again

because every friendship is rare and it's
fun you can find that the love when you break

up with somebody you find a greater love but
with friends you're finding that same connect

ever because every connection with friends
is different that's why you have friends for

this type you have friends for this time because
so that [ __ ] is way more hard painful

than any breakup any breakup I'll cut off
my family and I wouldn't even care much but

yeah and you mentioned earlier in the beginning
uh that you had kind of like reconnected with

with God uh in a way and I wanted to make
space and ask about that as well uh if faith

has been a part of your healing you know I
grew up in a in a very um you gotta go to

church every sign Sunday family my dad was
not a church person but my mom was and my

grandmother on my bad side was a very Church
person she's a proper Catholic she has met

the pop she has gone to all this like she
really is and I think her prayers that there

is on me and my family have survived more
[ __ ] because she prays she sends me Rosary

that are being blessed she sends me prayer
books everything she sends you she blesses

it she takes it to charge for the pastor to
bless you like she's that woman and she's

very strict with a Catholic now my dad was
a Catholic so naturally we were supposed to

be Catholics but because my dad didn't go
to church and we went to church with my mom

on our church we became anglicans so the my
grandmother was so strict that even the days

we would stay with her and go to a Catholic
church we weren't allowed to take Bread and

Wine to drink the wine and take the bread
because we are not Catholic and it's not right

and anytime we slept at our house if you're
going to sleep don't tell her good night because

she'll make you say the the prayer that Rosary
threw out before you go to bed so we would

just disappear and pretend we fell asleep
because she takes long bruh so you know when

I went to Malaysia I was like I'm finally
free I don't have to wake up on Sunday morning

and go to church like I hated it and you know
when you're forced into that life you are

like no so um even going through that I did
not prey on it I did not work on it with God

my healing didn't like I just healed in my
own gangster way [ __ ] but it took me uh

when I moved here and um I was going through
a breakup and that was the last time I dated

at Tanzanian or a black person then I started
dating white people but um he was my last

one and he emotionally abused me

um but in my head I was already over the relationship
right so um I was okay with ending the relationship

it was more what the relationship brought
because when I came to Atlanta I didn't know

anybody my family was in DC at that time I
was dating somebody in the city so I was constantly

backed in the sea and back to Atlanta for
classes back in the sea and then when we broke

up I decided okay and my family moved out
of this year I was like okay so this is no

longer home so now I'm stuck in Atlanta I
now have to make friends in Atlanta so then

I started dating that guy who I met most of
the people through him so the breakup was

like [ __ ] if I'm breaking up with him
um I'm gonna lose all these people because

I knew them from him right so in my head it
was that so it wasn't about the breakup I

was ready for the breakup like you know I've
never been I didn't even cry for that breakup

I didn't miss it I was just ready to get over
it but I was more like oh my God I'm gonna

be alone because people gonna take his side
and shade because it was it was a good lie

it was a good manipulator like but um but
then I was also going through so the depression

that's when I first felt the depression and
um I didn't know who to talk to because you

know in my country you don't talk about depression
or mental health or any of that stuff and

me and my mom were never close like I'm so
close to my dad my dad knows every [ __ ]

about me but me and my mom have a very weird
relationship and stuff um I can go two months

without talking to my mom but me and my dad
if it goes a week we haven't spoken we said

are you okay what is wrong foreign so um but
I thought something told me this was a conversation

I needed to have with my mom so I called my
mom and I was crying being depressed and [ __ ]

and and I was even talking to her about the
breakup because at that time the guy was trying

to get back to me and that was the sickest
bus because I had even started talking to

another guy he found the messages I I owned
up to it uh but I still was like we can make

it work but in my head I'm like so checked
out like so checked out this man I was with

him for almost a year and some change and
he had never bought me flowers but after we

broke about get flowers almost every [ __ ]
day and cards and letters and so I was telling

my mom my mom was like now that he knows you
have found somebody else who's trying to get

back into you to isolate you again you've
already left don't take him back it's not

gonna change but gladly enjoy those flowers
put them everywhere bathroom toilet everywhere

enjoy the damn flower this one too today I
hate and soy flowers like if you're if you're

fighting with me buy me jewelry don't buy
me flowers flowers are supposed to be for

good time don't don't so um then I was telling
I'm I'm feeling depressed I feel alone you

know homesick and all that so she told me
Paul I know you checked out with God for a

minute start praying see how that goes I was
like you know what I'll give it a try and

I started praying I downloaded um the Bible
app on my phone I would read Bible verses

and I just started praying slowly and every
time I prayed I felt lighter I still haven't

been about like I'm still lazy going to church
but every now and then I do go but I pray

almost every day with my Bible app I have
plans even on my social media stories I know

my post if something I know it could help
somebody that I read and I thought a certain

way I would post it but every time I prayed
I feel lighter every time I prayed I felt

like this I just kept on going and um that's
why even when I go through [ __ ] like I'm

out of a thinker I'm a warrior and um it took
me a moment to stop doing that because every

time I would read it was like if you have
faith in God you gotta let go and I've realized

that every time I pray on my problems and
let it to God and I don't worry somehow somewhere

it figures itself out so that's why I'm trying
to practice less wine even though trust me

it's not as easy as people say don't worry
about it it's not that easy it is not that

easy let's stop lying about that [ __ ]
like we are especially if you have a thinker

you're constantly wiring in your head so but
I'm trying I'm learning I'm practicing so

yeah I'll tell anybody like um whatever you
believe in whether it's God whether it's practicing

meditation yoga reading whatever it is have
more faith in that power and prayer works

for me so that's how my relationship goes
but it had nothing to do with that if this

came way later at that time I was just a gangster
Hood imma figure this [ __ ] out out and

I found it out because I don't know God would
have probably told me to to pray for him and

at that time I was not in the mood to pray
for Noni no [ __ ] was trying to rape me

Center it comes to you when you're ready like
and when you need it and I'm so glad that

like if that's if that's helping you that
you've like reconnected with that and that

it's um that it's helping you and that you
have that in your life and thank you for talking

about it because you know yeah and I tell
people because I've had friends who who pressure

religion on you right or because they found
God and they're constantly preaching on you

and [ __ ] that [ __ ] doesn't work and
that's why I think most of us will force those

kids to constantly go to church and do those
[ __ ] when we finally left home or anywhere

we kind of like [ __ ] this because now
I don't have nobody is pressuring me so I

think and that's why for me when I found God
I don't push it on people like I feel like

I found it a my own time without anybody pushing
yes my mom told me pray try praying but she

didn't be like you gotta pray you gotta you
know she just say try it and I tried it it

worked but I was ready I was looking for something
to help me and I tried it so it's something

even when my friends are like I'm like do
you play they'll be like no I'm like okay

cool bro try it but no big deal like I don't
do that oh my God they're moving God trust

God like No And I will pray for you but I
won't enforce it and I think when you don't

enforce it to people find it in their own
time when they are ready because they gotta

be ready you can just tell people oh you have
to find God and no people have to be willing

and ready for that from everything it's a
journey just like how we are constantly preaching

on people oh you gotta live a toxic relationship
but we are not in their shoes people are ready

to live when they are ready when they reach
their breaking point we say oh it would never

be me but you don't know and I have been a
victim of that I've said those things and

I was in a situation where I was like [ __ ]
I remember I said something like this but

look at me here still trying and [ __ ]
so every [ __ ] is different you know don't

just just cause you were able to everything
is in in everybody's time and process and

willingness in their breaking point to me
that was my breaking point where I was like

okay I need to try prayers say you know no
well and it's you know like the whole like

forcing it on people thing it's like it's
it's so much better when when it's time when

it's like whatever it is like like you said
like maybe it's meditation maybe it says maybe

it like it'll take the form it needs to take
like and it needs to have the freedom like

to take that form for that person to actually
be helpful instead of someone just like cramling

cramming like a Bible down somebody's throat
it's like oh yeah no thank you I have a friend

whose religion was a little bit different
from mine but the way she would shove it and

stuff I stopped talking to her I was like
listen you found because we grew up together

and you were never like that and now you found
that that's good for you but don't force it

on me or even me because now I pray a lot
and some people who are so-called Christians

judge me because okay I pray but also I like
getting my my tarot card read or I believe

in Stones you know in jail I'm like what does
one have to do with each other you all keep

on saying there is one God but then you all
feel certain different ways when somebody

is practicing something else why can't I believe
in God pray and also export tarot card reading

and explore um being in love with stones and
all that crystals and what's so wrong about

that so and that's why I think most people
end up hating Christianity because have some

Christians when they feel like they have figured
it out start judging people for and and then

also this thing of picking more things to
throw about the Bible says a lot of [ __ ]

so you can do one [ __ ] and then because
somebody else is doing another [ __ ] which

is also not around you're pointing fingers
huh but also the [ __ ] you are doing is

just saying the Bible that says don't do it
but you are here so this perfect Christians

or whatever make it hard for other people
to actually even enjoy religion or find God

because you all have this way or it should
be this way let people experience God or crystals

or tarot card whatever way they want to at
the end of the day we are going to face the

big men at our own time we're going to answer
for our own [ __ ] so write about yourself

just be happy that somebody has found something
that they resonate with or it helps them here

yes I pray I believe in God I have faith in
God and I'm still going to get my title card

read I'm still going to buy crystals and believe
in Christians I'm still going to meditate

and if I get my palm read I'm still gonna
do it I don't give a [ __ ] yeah and I'm

still going to drink I'm still gonna have
admit your sex and I'm still gonna cuss and

that's me take it or leave it yeah no and
that's between you and God like I get really

tired when it's like someone's trying to have
like a relationship with God like whatever

whatever name they that God goes by like whatever
whatever you believe in like I get really

tired when like other people try to like involve
themselves with that person's really like

what are you like I'm I'm talking in a source
like get out of the way like shoot like just

that's the personal relationships you know
yeah you do when you're on a relationship

if you if you think you have the perfect relationship
with God because you do it that's good on

you do it right over there in your corner
go ahead I might do my own do you think I'm

doing it wrong like okay you can go think
that over there go sit like you know at the

end of the day when we all reach up there
we all have our own answers to answer you

know nobody we're not all gonna be carried
in one bus and taken to God in front of everybody

no we all have our time we all answer on [ __ ]
we all deal with our own [ __ ] so and they

make it seem like just because I'm sinning
this this is a little scene yours is big since

when did you even know how sin is measured
Sin is Sin so if you're sinning I'm singing

without sinning it doesn't matter what kind
of sin I'm singing that's why sometimes people

[ __ ] hate religion because they are the
especially Christianity and especially a Catholic

they are the most judgmental human beings
and you wonder why people don't go to church

because you all are judging people and church
is supposed to be the place where it's the

safe space for people accepting people with
whatever demons you have but you are constantly

judging and you wonder why people don't come
to church make it make sense and you're supposed

to be as a Christian yeah well and it specifically
says like you know like like Thou shalt like

don't judge other people like that pretty
sure that's written somewhere and like I mean

Have you listened to the stories in the Bible
if God even hear the hall who had the story

of my heart so what if she was out she's not
changing her life and coming to church why

you're still bringing it up wasn't she's a
stripper and she still comes to church she

asked make money and figure it out so what
she's coming to church to find a way with

God not knowing the world that saves strippers
horse or whatever not allowed to church let

people be let people figure [ __ ] out themselves
with their God

exactly like but people don't talk about that

we just went to church amen

hahaha thank you for talking about that seriously
yeah yeah I had an episode um last season

for Easter and I talked to these two young
girls who are very out there living the authentic

self like they still do very much teenage
stuff but they still preach on the word of

God and stuff so we're talking about modern
Christianity and style and I was so impressed

with these kids who are like in their early
20s and knowing that I can be a Christian

but still enjoy going out and being you know
and doing that and it was a very interesting

conversation it was one of my longest it had
part one two and three but it was I first

saw amazing to hear that people the Christian
like people who are into Christianity are

also evolving and not sticking to that or
because I'm a Christian or I'm going to church

I shouldn't do this so I'm gonna judge other
people and when you see them on Twitter maybe

talking [ __ ] too and I love it I'm like
yes you can love God and still be yourself

and live life

well I mean like if you're if you're full
of love

why are you so bit about preaching God even
God don't like bitter people come on now people

fall there and love them that's all yeah I
I get very frustrated with um I mean frustrated

is a very nice word for for what I get about
it but um but specifically like uh certain

sects of uh American Christianity it's like
y'all claim to be filled with God's love but

you are the most bitter hateful folks I have
ever had The Misfortune to come across and

like you like you said make it make sense
like thank you about that what the [ __ ]

thank you

that Christians when they listen to to this
side of that episode they don't hate you I

promise that like there are not that many
Christians listening to me my friends they

are not fans

hey

I'm a Christian and I'm your friend and I
love the hell out of what the [ __ ] you're

doing and what we're talking about now so
there you go [Music] I appreciate you I appreciate

you oh my God

um

oh my goodness oh too much laughing anyways
foreign

is there anything that you want to say to
the survivors that are listening today

yes so

it's not your fault you did nothing wrong
so stop beating yourself up still feeling

shameful I know even though I'm saying it
I know it's gonna be hard because I was there

but I'm literally telling you it is not your
fault you did nothing wrong and face that

[ __ ] because it will make you feel way
good and if you can do it in public in front

of people [ __ ] do that because sometimes
the system fails us and that [ __ ] hurts

when you have to go through all that and the
system fails you so take action in your hands

don't do anything that will take you to jail
because that means he's also winning but stand

up for yourself in any way you can because
that's gonna also help with the healing otherwise

You're Gonna Keep suffering and the more you
keep suffering the more he's winning the more

he keeps winning and also remember there are
people out there who are willing to help so

find someone to talk about it to to share
it with to help you go through this because

I don't know how I would have been able to
survive if I'd gone to this alone even though

at that point only one person knew but she
was her Rock to me and I don't think we have

talked about it since then but which reminds
me I need to go and call and be like oh my

God thank you but she was amazing supportive
and ready to fight that battle with me and

if you have that person in your life let them
know it let them help you go to that battle

and take the test trust me when you're ready
to take action you don't want to have regrets

and you are beautiful nothing is wrong with
you [ __ ] him oh

yes oh thank you no thank you thank you thank
you for giving me the space to to share thank

you for making me laugh and cry but I'm more
laughing than crying but thank you for making

it so safe for me to feel safe to come on
here and share this story because I've never

shared these stories uh I appreciate that
a lot of you it's that soothing voice she

made me she didn't even ask me I was the one
like I'm gonna come and share my story and

I was like [ __ ] it's that voice but no
your platform um what it does and um you just

being open with how you handle it whatever
I want to share whether I want to be known

or not known whether I want my name out there
like you make it easy for me to want to share

my story so thank you thank you and I'm like
I can't I can't tell you how just like deeply

honored and how moved I am that like that
you chose this space to to share for the first

time like that's so incredible and thank you
so much

if I had to come and share my truth I'm glad
I did it over here I know I'm not looking

forward to the day this episode is and people
here but you know that feeling where you're

kind of excited and nervous at the same time

I'm like oh my God like because right now
we're just recording so the date actually

ends but you have made your your episodes
such as safe space that I know it's the light

platform for me to to share my story and let
people know what the [ __ ] happened to

me then it's gonna shock a lot of people because

[Music] but I'm ready [ __ ] that [ __ ]
well and they're also going to learn like

even more fully how [ __ ] incredible you
are you know hell yeah so I'm ready for people

to hear my story and um to have I it might
help and whoever might learn something out

of it and you know because it's not something
that's going away and you know I want just

people to know out there because one of the
biggest thing I felt was the shame and the

embarrassment and that shouldn't be something
you feel when you go through that so people

need to hear that and I'm grateful I could
come on here and for you to give me the the

platform to come and share the story and I'm
hoping it at least helps one person out there

it will it will and thank you

[Music] hold on and hold on hold on for your
life for your life [Music]

foreign

[Music]