One Cigarette In The Garage And A Trip To The ER

0:08 Welcome to my weekly panic Attack. I'm your host, Remmy Brooks. I've been a licensed psychotherapist for over twenty years and run a thriving private practice. I'm also diagnosed bipolar an OCD. Often the two do not mix well, which tends to throw my life into complete chaos. So as I do some spiraling, my best friend Liz Win will do her best to ground me a bit. During this podcast, we'll be talking about the horror and the humor of the anxieties of daily life, the things we do that are embarrassing, funny, but yet very human. Let's get started, and there's no better way to get started than by beginning this episode and all episodes with my friend and co host, the beautiful, intelligent, and ever rational Liz Win.

1:15 Here's a well adjusted moment from Liz's life. You're not going to like this, but I've started thinking of taking my dream vacation. Your dream vacation, Thailand. You're thinking about going to Thailand? I am. It's been on my bucket list as long as I can remember. No, Liz, you also saw broken down Palace. You'll be the one who gets arrested, and because you don't speak the language, you'll be found guilty. You'll be put in prison for the rest of your life, where roaches will crawl into your ears and lay baby eggs. No, I don't really think that's how it's going to happen. I'm quite confident I can travel without getting arrested. Okay, Liz, So when you get life without prison, I expect a for me that reads I told you so. Do you mean like any good friend would do? Exactly? And this has been a well adjusted moment from Liz's life. Well, I'm actually stressed because today we're talking about how one can participate in a conversation and yet somehow takeaway absolutely none of the information that was trying to be construed, in fact, actually leaving the conversation with completely different information that was ended. Guess what time it is, Liz, What time

2:46 is it? It's time for me to tell you what the hell I'm stressed out about. Now. My yearly physical is coming up more. I'm really not exactly sure how to play one. It's funny because as depressed as I have always been throughout my entire life, I don't want to die, right, And because I don't want to die, that kind of makes me an excellent patient. I would do anything not to die. Okay, okay, I mean, hold on, let let's be truthful here. Let me clarify.

3:31 I would do anything other than stop smoking, eating or exercising. So I would do absolutely anything other than that, you know, other than like, you know, actually taking care of my body. The trifecta. There's good eating and the exercising, but like anything else, well, it's not usually a negotiation with the doctor. Well that's why I'm kind of like a little nervous. I already got one kid successfully to adulthood, but I still have one more to go. And if I died, my little one would end up with his father in New England. My Jewish boy would end up saying things like wicked this and Wicked that, or I gotta pack the co and I'm sorry that just can't happen. So again, whatever I need to do to keep myself alive for a minimum of at least seven years, I'm going to do. Okay, So on my part, I feel like like there's a my part thing and like a doctor's part thing. So on my part, I see all of my regular doctor's routine routinely. I get my promogram every year. I see my gynecologist every year, who, by the

5:04 way, I love to pieces. I don't mean to brag, but I have the greatest going to call on the face of the earth. I see my dermatologist every year, I see God, God, God Poor. My psychiatrists every single month, and my therapist every week. And I see my primary care physician once a year every year for a full work up, a full physical. Right, that's the appointment that I dread. That's the appointment that scares me. Yeah, that's the one. Now. Thankfully, everything to date has always turned out just fine. Prior to seeing my physician, I always get my blood work done, like the whole panel of blood work.

6:03 Surprisingly, my blood work comes back stellar. What I mean stellar, Liz perfection. My blood work states that I am the epitome of great health. That's so awesome. Seven years I seven years. That's that's all I have to do. Seven more years of this. I can only assume that doing no exercise in one's life is actually a very healthy life choice. I'm just saying that's what my blood work shows. And the fact that I haven't eaten a vegetable since the seventies, I'm guessing is a healthy thing for my system. I may actually go as far as to say that my diet of coffee, diet, coke, and cigarettes maybe what's keeping me alive and well, and perhaps the handful of vitamin supplement that I eat for breakfast and dinner.

7:21 Do you and George Burns, I'm not really sure that that's the AMA recommendation again the epitome of health. So a couple of years ago. And you know that I'm not good with time, So a couple of years ago. I don't know if that's two years ago. I don't know if that's four years ago. For me, it's it's a couple of years ago. I was talking with my PCP and he was concerned at that time about my BMI because it was getting too and he firmly suggested that I increase calories and to appease him. Yes, okay, sure, And in my head I'm thinking, like when is too thin a bad thing? Because in my book the answer is never. So next year it's my physical right and my doctor discussed my weight again because now I'm below my BMI and he was concerned.

8:30 However, I am not the least bit concerned. But he goes on and on and on, and I was so over it. So what does one do when they're so over it? You checked out? I checked out, and he was going on and so I deflected. I needed a diversion, and I needed a diversion fast, only, much to my surprise, because I didn't have time to pair a diversion. The diversion that popped out of my mouth went something like this, Liz, I think I'm ready to quit smoking. Can you write me a prescription? Per chance? X? Oh good? What the fuck? I didn't want to quit smoking. I don't know why that came out. I assure you, Liz, I did not want to quit smoking. This was false. It was a lie. Why Why is that what came out? And you know, the diversion worked, Yeah, it worked, It did its job. He was very excited to move on to this new topic. He very quickly wrote me the prescription and then the physical ended. I of course left exhausted. I mean that's fair, that's exhausting. I got back into my car. I was not at all sure where that idea to quick smoking come came from. I had no

10:03 idea it for me, it came from nowhere. I mean, clearly, it came from somewhere, but I couldn't figure out from where. And as a matter of fact, I had like just bought a cart and a cigarettes the day before, so really stopping no intention of stopping. Now. I have tried to stop to stop smoking many times in the past. Yeah, and in all truth, chantics really was the only thing that worked for me. But that kind of was not the point, because at that moment I did not want to quit smoking. So when I went to pick up my meds when they were ready, I had like a decision to make do I pick up the chantics or do I leave it a pharmacy, And for some reason I picked it up. Okay, I was I actually going to quit?

11:05 Like this was a such a spur of the moment thing. I don't even understand, you know what. Let me light up a cigarette real quick and I'll finish telling you the story. I'm getting telling how the story went. I total you, Okay. So I spent some time thinking about whether I wanted to take the chant tacks and quit or not take it and continue. And I thought this through while I smoked my way throughout this carton until I was left with two packs. Because you're actually supposed to smoke while you take chant really so yeah, yeah, So for some reason, I don't know why, maybe because my father died of lung cancer. I had decided in that moment that I was going to take chance X, and within less than two weeks, I was a non smoker again. And I didn't mention anything to my kids because I thought at any moment I could pick up a cigarette again, and I didn't want to disappoint them, but they noticed it on their own and they were proud of me. And as a parent, to have your kids proud of you like no better feeling. As months went

12:43 by, I began gaining week and in my head, if I gained twenty pounds, then I can gain two hundred pounds. So this became a major mind fuck. Fast forward, It's time for my next visible. The consultation lasts for like a solid forty five minute period of time in which my doctor is extremely thorough. We talk about many, many, many things, and he was thrilled that I was smoke free. Yeah it happy, Yeah, it was, it was stilled. It was lovely, it was a terrific.

13:35 And he also mentioned that I was back to a normal BMI and I did not take that as praise of any kind. Right, We're going to take a quick break and we'll be right back. It is noteworthy to mention that those two comments were at completely different times during our forty five minutes together. However, I was able to put together what he really meant to say, which was, Hey, that is keep on the same path, and by this time next year, you'll be waddling into my office. You may not even be able to fit on my table. If I were you, i'd smart, I would start smoking again and get your weight back under control, because you are clearly out of control. I'm not really sure that was what was going through his mind. Well, I wouldn't put my hand on the Bible and swear in front of a judge in a court of law that that's what he meant. But I'm pretty sure that's exactly what he meant.

14:50 And I am nothing if not a good patient. So upon leaving my doctor's office and taking medical advice, which I received if only in my head, I drove directly to Blahwa and bought a carton of cigarettes because that was the same as him saying, go get the chantex okay, yes, which backfired Yeah. The only tricky thing was is that I didn't want to disappoint my kids, but I wanted to follow medical advice, the medical advice that I clearly heard in my head right because I'm a really good patient. So I devised what I thought was a grand plan of epic deception. I got a huge zip lock bag which consisted of a windbreaker, yellow dishwash, gloves, a hat, a pack of cigarettes, two lighters, a pack of gumb and a bottle of lotion. And I began to go out for long walks.

16:11 Look at that exercise exercise. Wow, you're incorporating it, say again, a good patient. Nothing if not a good patient. Once I got exactly two blocks away from my house, I put on the hat, the windbreaker, I lit up a cigarette, put on the gloves, definitely looked like a crazy person dressed for Halloween, but couldn't give a fucking shit. Smoked numerous cigarettes, and when I was done, chooed some gum, put all my gear back into the zip block bag, and then smothered myself with lotion from my hair to my face, my hands, my arms, my clothes, any skin that was even somewhat noticeable and could possibly have been infected by cigarette milk. You really worked hard on this, man. I my kids weren't on the wiser and clearly I was the winner of this game.

17:22 Yes, I worked hard on this, and I felt like a fucking genius. Right. You have to admit it was really quick. I mean it's very smart. But you're really working hard at not doing something. I do that. I do that, but I do it well. I do. You do it very well. Thank you, Liz. Thank you. It is one of the things about you that you do very well, working hard at not doing certain Thank you, Liz, Thank you. I don't appreciate that the reassurance. Thanks So one night it was I wanted my nighttime cigarette, but it was pouring outside and it was cold and it was nasty, and it was my last cigarette of the night and I had just taken my sleeping pill. I had a solid forty five minutes before that pill was to set in. And it was like one o'clock in the morning, and both of my kids were sound asleep. And if I had just one cigarette in the garage while both of my kids were sound asleep, seriously, what were the chances of me getting caught? And I figured highly, highly doubtful,

18:57 none at all, absolutely one at all. That's exactly what I thought. So I'm in the garage and this is like not even five minutes after I've taken the sleeping pill, so I have a solid forty minutes left. I light up the cigarette. I don't know what happened, because after my very first inhale, my entire world went dark, and I knew I was about to think and there was absolutely knowing I could do about it. I tried so hard to get to the ashtray that was right much to me to put my cigarette out, but I didn't make it, and I felt back.

19:59 I felt backwards, simultaneously landing on both my tailbone and the back of my head. Oh God, my concrete garage was for Jesus. And both of my legs must have kicked in my garage door with so much force that the door banged into the house so loudly that it woke up my youngest son, who came running downstairs to find me unconscious on the floor. Yeah, and he's screaming for me to wake up, and at some point I did, and when I did, I managed to turn my head to the right.

20:47 You have to cigarette in and see that I still was holding the lit cigarette. And the first but that I had was, oh, fuck, I've been caught. Not that you just passed out for like an unknown reason, killed your your butt bone and then like almost smacked your or smacked your head. It's like into the concrete. You're worried about the cigarette. He cut me with a lit cigarette. Fuck, I've been got so I somehow find words. I don't know. My entire body was in so much pain.

21:37 My head was spinning, and I'm like ashtray, ashtray, that's maybe ashtray. And I'm able to put the burning cigarette out. I mean, thank god, thank god he was Thank god I didn't burn the fucking house down. He was too light to be able to pull me up. Like something was really wrong. I feel like I hope myself Liz. Yeah, I have no idea how I got myself up. I have no idea how I crawled up the steps. This happened during the height the peak of COVID. The last place in the world I wanted to be was the er. But the next morning, when I was like so out of it, I made my oldest drive me to the AR. I thought, what well, so I'm surprised you didn't have a concussion. Well, okay, so they ruled out a brain bleed. My god, they ruled out a fractured tailbone.

22:47 But I had a major concussion that lasted a really, really long time and I in so much pain I couldn't even watch TV. And for me to not be able to watch TV, I mean, it's like serious to horror, serious horror, Oh my god. So you know I'm big on signs, getting signs, trying to interpret signs that I received, and I knew that this was a sign, and I figured it was one out of a possible two, like one I should quit smoking for real, right, or two lying to my kids and sneaking around really not a good idea, to be honest. So I decided that this sign was about lying to my kids and sneaking around hadn't absolutely nothing to do with quitting smoking. So I just simply informed them that I am now once again a smoker, and I don't want to hear any lectures about it. This is not for debate, and stop it, stop it, stop it. So now it's not just my kids. I think. The last physical I had was a telehealth to like bypass the whole smoking. Yeah I'm still on smoker, and bypass the BMI

24:19 think, oh yeah, right, I gain weight. Everything's fine. It's not just the kids that I have to worry about disappointing. My yearly physical is quickly approaching, and I am like in serious debate. Do I admit to smoking again? Do I lie? And there's no way around the whole BMI thing. I am definitely going to be lectured about my weight. Do I really want to be lectured about two things? Well? Yeah, This is kind of like when people go to the dentists and they just i'd like, you know, to floss two days before and then going from Dennis and saying they've done it all year, and I just never lie and go no, I don't do it because they know the difference. He's gonna know, so you're just going to have to take your licks and go in there and do it. I don't know because if I without that hand, he's good blockdag again with the windbreaker and the lotion and the gum. I mean I pulled that stunt off for quite a while. If I do that again prior to my physical, maybe he I won't smell like smoke. Maybe he won't know that I'm smoking. Maybe I could just lie about it. Although if I lie about it and it's obvious that I'm lying about it, then I'm going to get in trouble. Well, maybe I can tell the doctor that

25:52 you understand the good and bad of everything he's saying, but you don't need it repeated, and you don't need a forty five minute tone wagging, finger wagging. Oh, I am stressing about this appointment and I don't know. I don't know. So yeah, I have the kind of feeling and I'm currently hating it. So that's what's going on with me right now. I do have an update, a Lucy update. Okay, let's hear the Lucy update. Why is she destroyed recently? Well, last you heard, I was fostering a dog from my dog though Lucy needed much more stimulation than I could give her, so I fostered a dog named Red, who had his own theme song. Yes, well, I am happy to report that since our last discussion, I adopted read so gratulation. Thank you. Lucy now has all the stimulation she could possibly handle, and oh so much more.

27:10 They play hard and he doesn't let up. Lucy is exhausted every moment of her day and looks at me like, why, why, why have you done this? Read has taught Lucy that not everyone who enters my house trying to murder me, so that she like back off on the barking, So that has made a huge positive difference in this household. However, he stably taught her that while there's nothing to really bark about in the house, everything outside of the house should be barked at, which includes people, other dogs, squirrel rocks, clouds, even air. So I would say that in that area we have regressed. I initially been hoping that I would be able to replace throw pillows and blankets and make my house look more like my home again. Instead, they have quite literally torn up my sofa cushions, so my house right now kind of looks like utter trash. And it's not like

28:45 I can go out and buy a new sofa because they the exact same thing to a new sofa, and then I'd have to kill them, which would be a really sad ending to this story, So I don't want to do that. Another kind of problem is that Red never did stairs before in his entire life, so and I have an open stairway with these like beautiful yet very slippery dat stairs. He somewhat learned the stairs. He can get up, but about seventy percent of the time he slides down the staircase in a horrible, terrible, very noisemaking, frightening way, and I figure it's really just a matter of time before he breaks his legs. I have to take him to the emergency room. It's a five thousand dollars surgery, and I'm charged with animal cruelty, so I'm like waiting for that to happen. Not a great feeling, however, All in all, Lucy is happy. Lucy's happy. Read now has a home. He is so happy to have a home. I am saying this before he has broken any of his legs.

30:11 And the idea of getting a dog for my dog, I think was actually a good one. So that is my Lucy update. Oh good to hear that Lucy's happy. And just be careful walking down the steps with two dogs who are shooting down someone at the bottom of the steps with broken legs, no joke. That is my new fear of death. And I hang onto the railing for dear life, because truly I have like seen it. I have seen myself being thrown down the steps by the dogs. So that is truly how I fear I'm going to die. But again, I need seven year old seven years there's a countdown quicker. Thanks for listening, Bye bye.

31:11 You can reach us at Voyage Media at Twitter, Instagram, and on Facebook. And you can reach out directly to me at Panicked Remy on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.