My First Love

0:08 Welcome to my weekly panic attack. I'm your host, Remy Brooks. I've been a licensed psychotherapist for over twenty years and run a thriving private practice. I'm also diagnosed spy polar and OCD. Often the two do not mix well, which tends to throw my life into complete chaos. So as I do some spiraling, my best friend Liz Win will do her best to ground me a bit. During this podcast, we'll be talking about the horror and the humor of the anxieties of daily life, the things we do that are embarrassing, funny but yet very human. Let's get started, Hi, honey, how are you good? How are you good? Here's a well adjusted moment from Lizze's life. My mom told me that I looked terrible and a new oufit I bought, so you're passive aggressively iced her out for the next two weeks. Right, No, Remy, we had a calm conversation. I told her how she made me feel, and she apologized for good. Now and this has been a well adjusted moment from Lizze's life. Guess what time it is, Liz, What it's time for? What the hell am I stressed out about? Today? And what the hell are you stressed out today?

1:37 Actually, it starts with an update from last week. Last week, I was talking to you about my destructive dog, Lucy and how she the couch pillows and how she eats my blankets and all of that. There have been so many changes between our last time talking and right now talking, so many changes that I'm actually a little paranoid, and I kind of like want to lower my voice because I don't want her to hear me. You mean that much changed in seven days after we last spoke. Okay, don't think I'm crazy, because since we last spoke the night of she stopped sleeping in my bedroom. She stopped just attacking the pillows and the blankets. She moved on to other things. The red ottoman I have in my living room she started licking, then scratching, and then I caught her biting at it, So it's now covered with a towel. Okay, the runner that I have that when you open my garage door, it's right there and it leads all the way down the hallway. I love my runner. She started praying at

3:09 it, like clawing at it, and then chewing at it, and then completely ate it and it has now entered my trash dumpster and it has gone to where all the trash goes and lives. Wait a minute, so your dogs somehow listen to our conversation and is now destroying even more stuff than they were doing before. I am afraid that she overheard our conversation, knew that I was talking poorly about her, did not like it, and plotted her revenge. And now I am in a room with the door closed, and I think she is on the other side of the door listening, and I am afraid that a dog is smarter than me. Huh interesting, Yeah, smart, that's a smart dog. I'm living in a house where the dog has taken control. And it all started after we talked last week. So that's the Lucy update. And now for the exact opposite of I think before

4:45 you start the next story, I think you should say Lucy's great, Lucy's great, Lucy's great three times, and maybe, like Candy Man will actually like work, Lucy's great, Lucy's Great, Lucy's Great. I think it worked. You update us next week. That was such a good idea. I think that was such a great idea. Okay, just one more time. She is so good. She is the greatest dog in the entire world. And I hope that she hears that and knows that and believes me, because Lucy is great. Okay, okay, all right, I think I feel better, slightly less paranoid. Oh my god, what am I going to wake up to tomorrow? My God? Hopefully breakfast in bed by the dog? Okay, you mentioned being because you actually had the title for a really, really long time. We all our entire friend group called you the pet rescuer um. I talked last week about how we were going to talk about how you introduced me to the love of my life, and in a very ridiculous way, I think you kind of lost it for just a second

6:16 there. You said, but you already knew your husband before you met me, And I thought, you know, well, I guess it would make sense that somebody would think the love of one's life would be the person that they were married to for fourteen years. That would make sense. But yeah, honestly, that was really a ridiculous statement that came out of your bath. Really so silly of you. No, it was not my ex If we go all the way back tonight, teen ninety nine, my god, that was a long time ago, Oh, Liz, was that a long time ago? It was a time, way, way way back before I had a dog who was smarter than me. I was in a work meeting and my cell phone rang, and I I was in a work meeting, so I went to switch it right to a voicemail. But you were the caller, and Liz, in all of the time that I have known you, all the way back back back then, for all the way to this current day, I think that one time in nineteen ninety nine was the only

7:49 time you have ever called me during a work day. So while I was going to whoever this was that was calling, put it right to voice now, I saw it was your name, and I answered the phone real quick, and I said, you know, hold on a second because I was going to leave the meeting. And it was sheer panic. You know, you were in a car accident. You're in the hospital, you are dying. Something happened to your brother, Oh my god, what happened to your mother? Is your grandmother? Okay, what do you need? I'm on my way in my head as I'm getting up from this meeting and going outside to take this call. In my head, I'm thinking, what do I need? I need my purse, I need my keys, I need the phone. I have the phone. I have the phone. What what happened?

8:35 What is wrong with Liz? I am panicked and I finally get outside, Liz, what's wrong? Right? I remember that I remember you a panic and I didn't understand because I was just didn't calling out of the blue, which has never happened. One time, Liz nineteen ninety nine. One time, and you said to me, do you remember when you mentioned that you were thinking about getting a cat? And yeah, no, I didn't remember that at all, but you had mentioned kat, and I realized you weren't like on death store, and I had come down, and I thought, for the sake of you know this conversation, sure I'll play along.

9:28 Yeah I remember that. Yes, let's go with that. Yeah, I remember that, Miss pet Rescuer. Oh wait a minute, Wait a minute. You know, I am a person who may not remember where I put my car keys, but I do remember conversations with people. So it could have been that you said it like a year and a half ago. But I did remember that you said. I do not doubt the fact that we must have had this conversation. At some point, I actually understand that you remember my memories much better than I recall my own memories. I get that one hundred. So you said to me, you know, the back of our building faces the woods, and my coworkers went outside to have a cigarette, and they hear in the woods like, yeah, yeah, this kind So yeah, they do they and this cat comes running out of the woods to them, this this little kick, and she was sweet and she's like pouring up the storm, and she wasn't the least bit afraid. She was like so friendly. And I'm thinking, you said that if you're still interested in getting the cat, this is the cat you should have. And I'm like, well, then, clearly this is the cat I should have.

10:56 Yes, I remember you were bringer refer me to like bring that cat home, and I was already in my head thinking how am I going to get this cat safely back right? Well? And so my answer was, well, bring her home now. And you're well, you know I work, Yeah, like I don't have to work, and I'm like, no, no, no, um, bring her now. Well, like at the end of the day, well, you know, when I'm don't work, I'll bring her right to your house. No, no, no, list bring her now. Yeah, you'll have her. You know, by the end of the day. I will go right to your house. Oh you know, because you could just bring her now. I will bring her at the end of the day. You know, it's a funny thing when you have a boss. I know you don't you have those very often. So Boss, I'm speciated your desk. It's hard to be like, I'm chilling out. I go home for two hours. But yeah, I don't like the whole boss thing. It never really worked out well for me. So you start to me, um, don't you think that you should talk to your fiance about this first? And I was like, oh, there's a packing order there. You know, certain conversations you have to have. And I was like, WHOA do you think I should talk to him first?

12:20 I think you even tried to get me to talk to him. You were like, yes, I think you need to call him. Okay, I will call you back in five minutes. Answer the phone because you have a problem answering your phone. I said, answer your phone. I will call you back in five minutes. So I call, said fiance and I'm like, hey, remember those conversations that we had about, you know, getting a cat, and he, rightfully, by the way, responds, we never had any conversations about getting a cat. And I'm like, do you ever listen to me? No, you probably sound like Charlie Brown wat watwah in the background. We have had so many conversations about bringing in a cat, and he says, we have never talked about a cat. Now, he's right, But you know what it is as if I talk and talk and talk and you just pretend to listen. Why is that? Why is that the way we communicate? I don't understand this. Why are we talking

13:54 about a cat? The poor man you were flipping the script on him, trying to make him come back on his heels. I was why are we talking? Why are we arguing? Why are we fighting? Why are we fighting? Because this is something we have talked about for such a long time. Never And Liz is at work and her coworkers found this beautiful cat. Oh my god, we're not getting a cat. Well, we're not actually getting a cat. It's a kitten. We're not getting a kitten. And the kitten is such a love FuG. We're not getting a kitten. And she just jumped into the coworker's arms and started parring. Remy, we're not getting a kitten. Oh my god. We've talked about this so many times.

14:52 I don't think we've ever talked about it so many times. We've talked about this, and now literally it falls into our lap and you're telling me no. This seems very unfair to me, very unfair. You know what, We're getting this kitten. Just because you don't remember this conversation does not mean that it did not happen. So I'm just giving you a head up. We're getting a kitten. All right, you'll meet her tonight. Five. I love you, so I call you back within five minutes. You said I'm not allowed to get a cat. First you were like, I'm not allowed to get a cat. I'm like, okay, now what do I do with this cat? But she had already decided yes. I'm like, so I'm not allowed to get a cat. Bring her over because she's mine. They'll get in store. So you brought her over that night.

15:48 I did. After you've left. She was on my lap and just as she described, she was purring up a and I am petting her, and you know the now X was not home yet and I'm petting her and I'm, you know, just loving her to pieces. And I say to her, what is your name? Is your name Sally? And she's hurring and I said, is your name Gracie? And she's purring and I said, is your name Gidget? Now? Yep, I remember you told me that she picked her own name. I thought that was hilarious. Is that her name? Is her name? Gidget Meal? Now liszt This cat, this stray kitten that you brought to me, comes into my life with her own team the theme song. How could there be anything more perfect than that?

17:18 So Gigon and I worked together for eighteen years. Wow, you know I always forget that you had her almost twenty years, which is like astounding. Well, the vet kept putting these horrible, horrible messages in my head, which for me, it's not a good thing. Every year that we would go to the vet, the vet would say, and it was always the same vet that we saw every single year. The vet would say, it's as if this cat doesn't age or like she gets younger every time I see her. And the eight her seventeenth year, the seventeenth year at her um, the vet said, it is as if this cat never ages. And then when she was eighteen, um of almost nineteen, she had that little pimple on her lip and it turned out to be a tumor and that was that was that for her and heartbreaking. I loved her. Oh my god, So what we went through together. She saw me through my engagement, yes, my engagement, my breakup with him, my re engagement, marriage,

18:56 and then ultimately divorce. She moved with me into three apartments and then eventually this house that we thought. She was with me through all of Dudley's life and some of Bob's life, who was the dog after Dudley. She was with me through both of my kids. She had YEP, through many highs and many loads of my career. I actually kind of thought the cat was going to outlive all of us at that point, So did I Liz. There was never a thought because the VET kept saying. Because the Vet kept saying, it is if she never ages. I really like, we got to age seventeen, I thought, you know what, she is going to be with me forever. We get to eighteen, She's going to be with me forever. And then then eighteen hit and oh my god, she was with me through the death of my grandfather, and she is the one who was there for the death of my dad. Yeah, yeah, I remember that. I know that. I have forever said Liz that you are my best friend, but Gidget, Gidget was my best friend. I take

20:27 no offense too. I'm glad that you don't. And it's funny because as a therapist I had a client who told me that their best friend was a cat, and that cat was the only one that they could talk to you about anything, everything, and that that was the only time that they could really open up and that the one real true love of their life. What's the cat? Not like, what's the cat? We're gonna take a quick break and we'll be right back. Look, it was a cat, not It wasn't like it was like a mannequin. It was a being, a being that loved you and snuggled you and nuzzled you, and oh god, I felt so horrible. I remember when you called me when you had to have her put down. I'm like, how upset you were. And then I've been before that. He had said you had read a story about someone's cat who lived at like thirty four, and you're like, I think she's gonna live to thirty four. I'm like, I hope this cat lives to thirty four for you? Yeah, yeah, um yeah. And you've never gotten another cat. No, I don't think I ever could. The years that gidgett and I had together, we only had one argument and it was

22:02 about It was a long argument. It was a five week argument. How sorry, did you have an argument with a non verbal cat? Um? Well, I gave birth to my firstborn um dared to bring him into our house. And it's interesting because I thought I knew that Dudley was going to have the problem with the baby. I didn't think for a second that Gidget was going to have a problem. I mean Gidget, you know, Gidget and I we we were Yeah, there was nothing that could separate me and Gidget. I thought Dudley was going to have the issue. But when I brought the baby home and I had, you know, gotten them somewhat familiar, and everything was calm, and you know, I laid down the blanket on the carpet and Dudley was, oh my god, Liz. He was beside himself, sickly. He was the happiest. He was running circles with excitement. He was like di di, I call him, I call him, he's mine. He's fine. I get him first, I get him first, He's mine. But he couldn't stop. And that joy that Dudley had for this baby lasted them. I mean his entire life. He loved

23:32 this kid. They were together for eight years. That kind of love he had every single moment for eight years. Gidget came over to the baby, smelled the baby. He looked at me and said, I will never forgive you for this, and then she walked away and stayed away for about a month. For a month. Uh huh, yeah, wow, I needed her so badly. I gotta remember you were you were stressed now because you really hadn't been around babies a lot um. No, No, I hadn't.

24:18 And uh it was horrible and I was going through postpartum and I hate life and I hated the baby. And Dudley was he was like super crazy in love with the baby. So like every time, you know, the baby cried, Dudley ran over to me and he was like, oh my god, the baby's crying. The baby's crying. Do something, do something, like I hear I can hear Dudley. Um, and you know he would sit by the high chair, but not because he wanted to catch the food every time, you know, the baby, you know with the food when flying. Dudley was like, oh my god, the if he's not getting enough food, pick up the food. Pick up the food. Mom, pick up the phone and give it to the baby. Like, yeah, you do your job exactly. Do your job. You're not doing your job. You know, I would hold the baby. Are you holding the baby well enough? I don't know, be gentle, be gentle, be gentle If I didn't get up right away for the Dudley and Dudley, I was Dudley's person, right, like he loved my ex, but he adored me. Right. If the baby was in the swing and like started to yawn, Dudley was like, oh that's weird, that looks weird, and he would grab me by the sleeve. Come to the baby, come to the baby. Like he was so all about the baby, like, oh my god, fuck the baby. Leave me alone. Let me sleep.

25:45 I haven't slept in four weeks. Leave me alone. So one day, the baby's in the swing and I turned on the TV. And the way my house was set up then, is that the entertainment center was on this wall is totally opposite from how I have it now. And there was like a six inch gap between the wall and the entertainment center. And I'm watching TV and my eyes they're unfocused, and they go down to the rug the carpet right, and I see this unexpected, strange site. I don't know what it is. It requires further investigation. So I go over there and I put my hand there, and it's wet. So what does one do when you find a wet spot and a corner where there shouldn't be one, Well, you put your entire hand there and then, yes, it is that what you do, especially when you have animals in the house and you know what it's gonna smell, And of course it's a buddle of pits.

27:04 And who is the only one who could fit in that corner? And who is the only one who is angry about the baby kitchen? Yep? So I call the vet and I'm like, I had a baby four weeks ago, and now my cat is pissing on my carpet. Well, you know these are normal. Yes, I know, pills. I want pills. What pills can I get my cat? Like? Oh, well, we can do kitty prozac. I want the kitty prozac. I want a strong dose of kitty prozac. I want it ready in twenty minutes. It'll take me twenty minutes to get there. Twenty minutes. Can it be ready in twenty minutes? Twenty minutes? Help you there in twenty minutes. We'll be ready in twenty minutes, twenty minutes, twenty minutes. They're like, I will have it ready in so within the hour. Let's just say Gidget got her first dose of kitty prozac. Now, anybody who's had a cat knows how difficult it is to force a pill down a cat's throat. Now imagine that cat hating you. Yes, the level of difficulty increases. And so I because there's such tiny little creatures, and yet they are so vicious.

28:30 When you're I got it, someone's trying to shove a pill down my throat. I may bite them too, but they got paws and teeth, and they are vicious, vicious, and we were again, we're already in a fight. So I so I feel no remorse, and I shove this motherfucking pulled down her throat and then I throw her down, you know, and like a teenager. She's up storms up this stairs and says, because I can hear her, I hear the words that she's saying to me in her body language, You're the worst mother in the world. I hate you. And I'm like, well, I hate you too, getting we're fighting, fighting, So for the next two or three days she is druged off her ass, and I don't care. We go through this the next two or three days. I don't care. I don't know what happened next. I really don't know what happened. I must have been particularly silent because I walk from my kitchen to my living room and I see Dudley standing upright on his two high to lakes with his right paw holding on to the top of my

30:07 entertainment center was standing entertainment center. He was standing both lakes, Both back legs were on the ground, his front legs one his right paul was holding onto the entertainment center. His left Paul was balancing himself, using the wall to balance himself, and he was aiming his dick towards the corner my living room carpet as if, Oh my god, he was like it was a urinal, Oh god, him standing like a full grown man and peeing in the corner of my house. And how did you feel? Oh, I didn't even go there yet, I was I was astonished, like I couldn't move. And Dudley at some point must have felt me staring at him, because he turns his head and as he remains standing, so we're like eye to eye. We're staring at each other for what he stops being mid stream,

31:40 like the piece stops immediately, and we're across the living room from each other. We're at the same height. We're staring at each other for a very long time. And then I remember I'm wearing slippers, so I reach down to grab one to chuck it at him. When he remembers he has four paws, so he gets down on all four plaus and he takes off. Now my house is only so big, right right, I, however, am not a runner. I am like possessed by flash because I run after this dog and I am on his tail, and you know what pun intended. I am on this dog's tail, but I am so fucking close, and I'm gonna get him, and my god, when I get him, I am gonna call him. And I am chasing him until he reaches the stairs, and he gets up the stairs, but I'm not far behind.

32:57 And when he dog lives under my bed. So I get to the side of my bed and I right, and then he scooches to the right. So I get up and I run to the right, and I go and he gets the left, so I go to the left and he goes to the right. So I go to the right, and he goes to the left, and I go to the left, king size bed. I am ex soft, I am exhausted, and I am laying there and I have been beaten down by life sucks. And then I hear, yeah, oh kids, it as if she says, I told you it wasn't me, and she was right wow. And I sit up, and the tears that I have been holding in for like the last five weeks poor out, and she climbs up me as she always does, or did when I cried, and she put her paws around my neck per usual and licked my tears.

34:27 And I held on to this cat for dear life. And it was at that moment when I realized that, okay, I've got to get it back. Everything is going to be okay. Yes, everything is better deadly stayed under. He stayed under for three day, the last half hours and he never repeated in my health us again. I loved that cat so much. I don't know if you remember this that. My kids would often ask me, do you love us more than you love Gitgen? Not between each other? Like you like him better? You like it? Do you like the cat better than me? You do love us more than you love Gidget?

35:23 Right, And I would say, guys, don't ask me questions that you don't love. The answer probably not the best mommy answer. Actually, probably another not the best mommy answer to is when they were together, and not only when they were little, like still him, who do you love better? I would saying, like they stop doing this, by the way, I think you know it's the older one. I love you so much more on Monday's and days and Friday, that's cute, and you to the little one so much more on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. But I've got to be honest with you on Sundays, I kind of hate you both.

36:15 Well, they have to balance the equal amount of days exactly, and just know that they will. They will joke about that until like the day you're dead because my brother and I do the same thing with my mother and we're just we're just kidding, We're like poking her and she's like, you know, the same kind of answer. But yes, they will, they will do that, and so the day you die, well, then I hope it's a good mommy answer and not like I'm going to be in therapy for the rest of my life kind of answer. So I think we should throw out to anyone who has stories about transitioning a baby into a house with pets, please share it with us. We would love to hear them on our next episode. Liz, Yes, what is the topic? I think we need to talk about road rage because yesterday I had an incident, okay, and I got into trouble by my son who was in the car, and I got caught by somebody who very unexpectedly, somehow was in the mists of this road rage incident that I was involved in, and like, they're not really talking to me right now, so I can't wait to hear the story.

37:46 Yeah, and when your child chastised, Yeah, and it's the little one too, was the little one who Yeah? Yeah, So I think you know we're gonna let time pass for everyone involved. You're still very very angry and concerned, like, why would you do this? How could you put your kid in this kind of danger? What the fuck is your problem? Are you? Okay, so we're gonna let you know a little bit of time pass. Okay, Well, thank you everybody for listening, and we hope that you come back again. How you can reach us at Voyage Media at Twitter, Instagram, and on Facebook. And you can reach out directly to me at Panicked Remy on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.