832,000 People Are Going To This Party

0:08 Welcome to my weekly panic Attack. I'm your host, Remy Brooks. I've been a licensed psychotherapist for over twenty years and run a thriving private practice. I'm also diagnosed SPI polar an OCD. Often the two do not mix well, which tends to throw my life into complete chaos. So as I do some spiraling, my best friend Liz Win will do her best to ground me a bit. During this podcast, we'll be talking about the horror and the humor of the anxieties of daily life, the things we do that are embarrassing, funny, but yet very human. Let's get started. Here's a well adjusted moment from Lizze's life. So I'm currently visiting Texas and as I opened the door this morning, front door, there's a six foot rat snake blocking my way. Oh my god, did you call nine one one? No, Remy, I took pictures of videos like everyone else would have, and this has been a well adated moment from Lizze's life. You are most definitely a glass half full kind of girl, which, okay, is perfect because that leads me into what what the hell am I stressed out about today?

1:38 Liz? And what is stressing you out today. Okay, what is stressing me out right now is a feeling, Liz. It is feeling that I don't completely understand because I've never experienced it before. And this is very interesting, Liz. This is it as if we rehearse this, which anybody who's listening, we did not. We do not talk about the podcast at all until we are actually doing this. I was in my kitchen making a cup of coffee. I turned around, I leaned against my stove, and I was staring at a piece of art hanging on my wall, which says, always see your glass as half full. Now did you not just say that?

2:36 Did? We just did not? I didn't. I've been in your kitchen. I do not remember that ball hanging with a saying, but yeah, it's been there for years. Now. Here's the thing. The only reason that I have that piece of art is because the colors match my kitchen and the frame is the right size and shape for the like space. I would never otherwise own such a thing because that mindset is polar opposite of me. I would never own such it. This would be like a gift I would give to you it Franks, to your mindset, it does not speak to mine, but it fit perfectly, so I got it. Now, if I were creating such art, it would say life sucks and then you die. I'm not so how many people would buy that one, but okay, I would buy it like I would make it dollars mate, and then like I would produce it for others because I am positive others would feel the same way to not people like you. I would never target people like you, but you know whatever, Okay. So usually as I read this, I read it and I giggle. Only this time this week, I am leaning against stove and I'm drinking my cup of coffee and I read it and I don't giggle. And I noticed instantaneously that I don't giggle. Why am

4:12 I not giggling? I asked on myself, and going would you say? I said, why were you not giggling? Exactly? Why why was I not giggling? And I did not have an answer. However, this then becomes my obsessive thought of the week, and I couldn't stop thinking about it, and I didn't have an answer, And where my fucked up mind went took me to places that I never expected to go. So you want to go on this fucked up trip with me. Sure, so you were you were spacing into the fact that you hadn't laughed at that sign or what the signment or was it all together? I know what the sign means, like I know exactly what it means, but I usually laugh at it because I think it's ridiculous. See the glass half full, be optimistic, be grateful, see things as like like good in the world. Please. It's such bullshit. So I laugh at it, and I think of people like you.

5:19 You know, something horrible happens and you can actually make light of it, like, oh, your hotel room has overflowed. That's okay, I'll put down some tails and no problem. Don't worry about me, worry about the other forty people. I'm fine. Oh my car, all the tires have been taken off my car. It's an inconvenience, but I'll get four new tires. Yeah, come on, it's ridiculous. Be pissed off that your car has no tires, Like, what is this glass half fullshit? It's shit? Well with me, it is. I'll have that initial like like when the tires or whatever, it's like, oh crap, But then it's like I don't want to let myself get into that any negative. So if I can clear it out five or timents, sometimes it takes longer depending on what kind of situation is. But if I can work my way through it, it gets me to the end. That's how I get to the other side, so that I'm not like in down duldrums. I get it.

6:26 That must be a lovely place to live. That is not where I live. You know, I don't even visit. It's not a place I go to. I have heard that place exists. I just don't have a ticket to enter. So here is where my mind went throughout the week, because it was like a week long process. I go back to a kid, like as a teenager I was. I was always a good kid, and I had like a really nice group of friends who were all really good kids. And I was never rebellious. I always got along great with my parents. And not that I had a curfew. But if I would have had a curfew, I would buckt in the kid who would have broken it.

7:19 You know, I didn't drink alcohol, I didn't do drugs, and I was always a homebody. So when I would get together with friends, my preference was to invite them over to my house, my room, talk rent movies, order pizza. By the time I met you, we were, you know, in our twenties, and I was still living with my parents, and you know, the thing went like coming over to my house, hang out my house, like I was always at home. That is where I always wanted to be. The only major issue that was that really existed between me and my parents was academically, like my grades always sucked and I was always on the verge of failing something, and I always thought I was going to be held back a grade. And the funny thing is the only thing I ever failed was JIM and it was because I got I cursed out my gym teacher, which was by the way, well deserved. And had I known, is she had said I cursed her out, and she's like, you are never to return to JIM again, and you officially failed.

8:39 And had I known that, all I needed to do was curse her out and I would have a free pass out at GIM, I wouldn't done that so much sooner what a schmuck I didn't know. So anyway, I was like not punished often. The only time I was ever punished were for like horrible grades and pray. My parents chose two interesting The way my parents chose to punish me was by forcing me to make plans with friends out side of the house. And they would say, kids your age, have social lives, call your friends, make plans and go out. Liz, I that hated the ink punished. Wow, that is a very different punishment than I have. Quite the opposite. You are stuck inside. Here's a book, no TV. There were no computers at the time, so not so much fun for me. It was get the fuck out of the house, have a social life, God damn it. Meanwhile, my sister, who's like three and a half years longer, you couldn't. You couldn't keep her

10:11 inside. She had like hundreds of friends, she had her own phone line. She was like so busy, always on the eye. Please get out of your room, Please get out of the house. No, I don't want to. You can't make me okay again. No, this, in all fairness, who was the eighties and mental health disorders they really weren't like recognized, diagnosed, or really discussed in any way at all. But like, seriously, the fact that my punishment was forced me to be social, that's actually punishment. Most parents would give to their kids today because none of them want to actually exit the house. Only right, that's right, would prefer being on top and being on his computer. Putting making him go outside.

11:11 You would think that you were like skinning him or something. But even like the kids who were inside on their computer, they're hooked up to their computer friends, like like they're still you know, in this world being social on the computer. Like do you watch face oar tapes? Exactly? No. My father, who was undiagnosed bipolar at that point until like twenty years after that time, Thank you genetics, struggled terribly with it. My mother, who was extremely anti social herself but always pretended very very well not to be again, thank you genetics also should have known that something was very very wrong. What Right wished for more than anything during junior high, high school, college was too simply be left alone, no social contact with anyone at all, and quite frankly, that has not changed. Oh yes, yeah, you know, you are the only person I should really tolerate for longer than like, you know, fifteen minutes at a time. And really that's kind of pushing it. Um pre covid right, single mom, Yeah,

12:45 out in the world, running every day, ever errands, living what appears to be a fully functioning life, but yet beyond over whelmed. Okay, the weight of the world on my shoulders up early school bus, paperwork, emails, phone calls, invoices, receipts, client, client, client. My youngest did not know a time when he didn't have a babysitter from after pool until bedtime. Right right, I felt like I was running, And I don't run like I'm like I was. You were running all day, like I was running towards the grave with no feasible way out. I didn't know how to put the brakes on, how to take a step back, how to reprioritize my life. I was going full force and I didn't know how to stop. But like my mother, I have always He's been the great pretender, with a smile on my face, funny stories to tell, making everyone else feel so good. I always worked so hard at pretending that

14:18 everything was okay. But I was holding on to what was left of my mental health by a fucking string that was threatening to break. Not that anyone would know, because no, I mean, even as we were talking during the pandemic, I would talk to at one point and that we talked to you at another point, and I didn't always realize how much you were pretending in front of your kids, and that's even being at home, and how much work you were doing in that and trying to put a good face on things. I was that I like, that was always my main job.

15:01 I always tried to keep it from my fits, always, always, always, always, And that was the hardest part of the pandemic because I was there with my kids. You were the only person who knew how far from okay that I was. There were times when things got really bad that I'd let my mom in, but only so much. But from the outside, I was functioning right while living with panic and anxiety and depression every single day.

15:46 And then the world was hit with COVID. Yeah, okay, So before I say another word, if this is just sort of like a disclaimer, because I want you already know, because we've had conversation and you already know what's going to come out of my mouth. But I want anyone who's listening to this to know that I am so utterly aware of how devastating COVID has been, the millions of deaths, the complete crash of our global economy, the impact that isolation has had, the forced use of mask wearing, how the abused had to remain in the same health sohold with their abusers.

16:37 The impact on people's mental health. I mean, I get it. I really understand the devastation that this virus has caused. Okay, complete disclaimer. Now with that said, I understand how horrible my next words are going to sound. I honestly think you're going to be the only one out there though. Okay, you know you're not the only one. I shared this with. I shared this with you. You took a beat before you said anything.

17:18 I actually also shared this early on with my mother, and he yelled at me and said, don't you ever say that again. Okay, but here it is, and I'm going to say, at this again, I am, thanks to COVID personally thriving. I know that I am probably in a minority here, I get it. But COVID has given me a totally different way of living, a totally different way of life. My mother was so angry at me, and when I said, actually, I'm kind of thriving, she yelled at me, don't you ever say that again. I mean, she had friends that died. It was I understand. I get it. For me, being outside is bad. It's danger, danger, danger. I am so hyper aware of everything that I can't help to turn the teeniest, tiniest little thing into something so completely catastrophic. So thank God, like I have a legit reason to not be in the world, because

18:51 even as the world opened, I decided not to join it. When the lockdown occurred, it was as if God himself said, you know the way that really weird woman, Remy Brooks, wants to live in total isolation where nobody leaves their house. How about we try that, but for the entire world. What the hell, Let's get that a shot and see what happens. As if God himself said, you know what, Len, you may be onto something. And suddenly, for the first and my life is I wasn't the outcast right, And I had never felt so calm, And it was the first time that I recall living a life without anxiety. And that's not to say that because when COVID hit, I was so fearful of it too, and you know what was going to happen and how this was affecting everything. I mean, I was terrified, but it was a different kind of terrified. It wasn't my personal anxiety. I was living a life without my crazy anxiety. And it was such an amazing relief, and it was

20:26 beautiful. We're going to take a quick break and we'll be right back now. In all fairness, unlike so many other people, my kids were at an age where they could do virtual school on their own right, take care of themselves more or less exactly. So I got to sleep in until like one two o'clock in the afternoon every single day. I got to drink NonStop cups of coffee and chain smoke in my garage and binge, watch TV and talk to no one except my kids. I was living my fantasy life.

21:22 And then something very strange happened that I never in a million years I thought would occur. What was that? My tvr very quickly somehow, with seven percentful to zero. Now, fear not, Liz. I did have Netflix and I did have Amazon Prime, but like in no time at all, I very clear, huh, And now I was facing uncharted territory. What does one do when you literally have no TV to watch? I did not know this answer, because I'm not on social media. I had no idea what people did. So I asked a friend, and apparently people were cooking elaborate meals. However, I don't even know how to scramble eggs, so that was not something that was for me. Not No, apparently, somehow, and I still don't understand what this is all about. People were baking sour dough bread. That became a thing, that was a big thing.

22:44 It was hard to find. You stop telling it. I don't get that. I don't know how that became a thing. Dy projects became a thing. I don't own a hammer. That was not going to be a thing for me. So I figured if I had no TV to watch, then clearly I would write my own TV. Right, right, So I picked up an old hobby that I dropped because I didn't have time to pursue it. So in nineteen ninety four, the week after I graduated college, I moved out to LA to pursue writing and acting, which clearly went nowhere, says the therapist. So now here's COVID, right, perfect opportunity to all the entire world slowed down, and now I had time to write from beginning to end. And I realized that I still left it, and I was still good at it, and I wrote like many different TV scripts and two of them, both thirty minute dramedies, were picked up, and I somehow became a client of a TV production company called Voyage Media, and I have

24:18 shopping agreements for both of these scripts, and this same production company is now producing this podcast. Like how the fuck do you jump to here? Like? Who would? Life is crazy? It's crazy. Professionally, telehealth becomes a thing right right, which no one did before. What the hell? I honestly, I never even heard of telehealth before. I never heard of zoom, and suddenly I'm seeing clients over zoom. And in the meantime, I realize, which was like the greatest thing in world, that there was no reason that I have to get out of my pajamas. No, you never have to see a client in your household again, never again. I wasn't leaving the house, and I was a much happier human being in pajamas than I was in clothes. And by the way, I recommend it to people, it's fabulous. So even when the lockdown ended and the world started becoming more normal, I felt free to continue saying no to social and family expectations and my baseline, anxiety stayed down, and we're like past two years into COVID, and I only go out when I have to, and I rarely have to, and I am living a mostly anxiety free light. Oh

25:48 oh, Liz, something awful happened this past week and my anxiety, which I have not felt in over two years, skyrocketed through the roof. It was awful. What I thought? I get an evite to Randy's seventieth birthday party. No, no, I have not been to a social event in over two years. I can't do this. I cannot. I can't do this, and I don't want to do this. And I remember you telling me about what the first time you went out to a restaurant when COVID once everyone started getting their shots, and just a restaurant with a couple of people, you knew You're now talking about a party. There's no there's there's absolutely no way I can do this. And I'm scrolling to see like how many people have been invited now and already RSVP, and I may be slightly exaggerating, Okay, so we can take that add into account that there might be a slight exaggeration, but roughly eight hundred and thirty two thousand people are going to this party in the so about zero one of that, About eight hundred

27:18 and thirty two thousand people are going to this party. Okay. So in the last two years, I have worked my way up. I have gotten together in a group with my immediate family consisting of no larger than eight people, and I am fucking proud of myself to have gotten to that point. Okay, So there is no way that I can attend a party of nine hundred and sixty seven thousand people. I can't see that group quickly. I'm pretty sure it was the exact same number I told you before. It's it's about a hundred a million. It's close to a million people. And by the time I'm anything I want to say, I might be slightly exaggerating the numbers, but not by much. By the time I got this invitation, it was too late to call my mother. She was already asleep. So I was like done. I can ask yes, because the answer was no.

28:38 There was no way in hell I was going to this party. There there was no way, and I knew that she was. She was going to be upset. I'm her kid, and this is her husband, and of course I should be there. Um, all of the family is going to be there, and how could I not show up? And this was going to be a thing and the last thing in the world. Old I wanted to just upset my mother. I don't want to upset my mother. I'm like, so scared of my mother, you know, so I don't want to upset her. But I'm not going. I can't go. I was up all night long panicking. So the next and I take sleeping pills and I still couldn't sleep. So I took more sleeping pills, but I still couldn't sleep. So now I'm like close to overdosing. But I so can't sleep and I'm terrified and I'm scared and I'm full of anxiety. And I finally get her the next day and I'm like, I can't, I can't, I can't. She's like what, And I'm like the invitation Randy's Burgle party, I can't, I can't, I can't. And she's like, oh, honey, where already knew that? Oh wow? Why would you not have given me a heads up? Why would you would have put me through that? Why would you have made such a big deal out of that. So she was so wrong. She was just she was so wrong.

30:02 Anyway, here's the thing again that COVID did for me. It was because and during COVID, because I had always hid and pretended that, you know, I didn't have any problems. I'm okay, I can handle things that had I not. It was over these last two years that I became so much more verbal about my mental health issues with my family. And which is really good? Would you say? Which was really good? Because I don't think they realized how much certain situations really that it wasn't just that you didn't want to because you didn't want to, There was something behind it exactly.

30:48 Had that not happened, I would never have been able to attend the party, and they would have assumed that it was just a big fuck you. Yeah, And how would I have been able to explain, you know? So it opened up all of this communication between me and my family, and it also it taught me to prioritize my mental health, which is amazing and strangely enough, it even translated into my practice too, because before I used to take on any client that came through, and I stop doing that. I now only work with clients that I truly enjoy working with, because I really want to enjoy the work I do. So if there's a client that comes through that I don't personally like really like to work with, I refer them out, which is something I never expected to occur. And it's interesting because since that happened, I've started to get more and more phone calls and the practice started to grow. Oh, it's very it's so weird, and like things with my kids have changed, like there will never be another babysitter and I will always have time to help with homework and I will never miss bedtime routine again, and like I will now I write all the time, and it's not just something that I like to do. It's become something that I really need to do. I think, my darling, that feeling

32:23 that I didn't know what it was. Dare I say, I think I'm feeling optimistic about how my life is going right now, which is kind of crazy and kind of good and unlike you, I was never that person that was like about gratitude. I mean, I be grateful when the next horrible thing is just waiting around the corner, and get prepared for the horrible be prepared for the horrible, but I'm actually feeling quateful. So like, yeah, I'm still the weird one who prefers to stay home in pajamas at all times, but that's okay. I like, and you still have your ups and dinners. It's not that you're saying that you don't have those anxious moments or and I know what, the kids starting to kind of get out of the house too, allows you some time to, like you're not twenty four seven having to put on a phase that you can, you know, take some time for yourself now that everyone's kind of getting out of the house and back to school and stuff. So I think that helps too, so much, It helps so much. And it's like I think that I'm feeling more

33:55 like you in that, like you've always been very grateful for your family, and like you're you're you're a grateful person, Like I am grateful for my family and their understanding and their support and something that I've always taken for granted, which is interesting because even even though my dad died so young, you know, I've like kind of taken it for granted because of COVID. Through COVID, and I feel like we you me, my kids were like the only people left on earth that haven't gotten COVID yet. Like I don't know, I feel like we're the last remaining. But yes, I'm like so grateful for just like everybody's health and for my much slower pace of life and for renewing like this old passion and realizing that it's still there and strong and oh my godless on my be turning into one of these grateful people, which is so not me and should pass really really soon. But for the moment, I'm just I'm appreciating it. I think, yeah that the bottom line is I knew I needed to make a huge change in my life, but I didn't know how to do it. Yeah, and for me, COVID

35:29 elicited that change, and I don't ever want to go back to the way I was living before. And like so I understand and see this is where you see. Of all the horrors that there were because of COVID, as you stated them before, oh my goodness, your glass halfful is you were able to take something from it and change how you were living your life to make it, you know, less stressful, less anxiety, you know, having less anxiety. So now seeing the glasses halfful. It won't happen all the time. No, I'm sure it won't. I'm sure the feeling will pass quickly. But for right now, I'm going to take that as a win. And I think that that is why I looked at that piece of art and didn't didn't laugh. So I think I realized it before I realized it, you know what I mean? Yep. Yeah, Well, you know, there's so many ups and downs that people have gone through and they're you know, obviously there are people out there that became isolated, but I do think that there are people out there that realized, hey, I want to work from home. I want to have the flexibility to stay with my family and you know, not spend an hour driving to a job in an hour driving home from a job. And I think it has allowed a lot of people to kind of reprioritize and see, you know, what's important to

36:59 them. You know, I wish some more people would kind of take that in line and would less be walking down hallways saying what the f and blah blah blah and realize, you know, it's not the worst thing in life. It's an inconvenience, but they're far worse things out there, you know. And if it only happens to every once in a while to see the glass half full, at least you're standing in half full. That's a wonderful way to view it. Yep, it's a nice change. Oh, I'm glad it's happening for you. And I'm glad it happened for you because I know over the years, you know how I never realized, you know, until as you started telling me as to how just anxious just regular situations.

37:45 I know you didn't like you didn't like getting lost, but just out there driving or meeting new people or you know, I was always happy to go to your house for like, you know, yeah who or one of the you know, one of the holidays and stuff, and you detested it and not realizing it wasn't just that you didn't want to spend time with your family, it was just the whole anxiety of being there with all the people and that whole situation. Yeah, it was like every little thing was so you know, so much anxiety was attached to everything. So it's just it's a it's a nice break, Liz, It's it's a nice break, And I'm going to take the break for as long as I possibly can, and if this becomes, you know, my new reality, then just how wonderful would that be. So I'm hanging onto it for as long as possible. Absolutely, thank you, my darling, Well, thank you. I think it's good that people know that there were that they are different experiences to come out of that whole situation with COVID, that some of them were definitely negative, but some of them were positive, and that if it's like you and it's being a little bit more not out there in the world, but still being out there in the world in your own way, what works and functions for you, that that's okay, you know, And I think that's what it is. By saying someone, Okay, I can do my work online and I can interact with people, but I don't always have to be out there with everyone all the time. I think that's good for people to know that that, you know, it's all right. Yeah. I think that again,

39:19 it has impacted everybody on such different levels, but that I think we're going to get a lot of feedback hearing how it has impacted people so differently. Absolutely, you can reach us at Voyage Media, at Twitter, Instagram and on Facebook. And you can reach out directly to me at Panicked Remy on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.