#37 Getting Physically Ripped & Ditching P.A.M. -Passive Aggressive Man, with Erin Alejandrino

Gentlemen, Welcome To The Be The Man podcast.

I'm your host.

Greg Denning.

I'm the Creator and Coach inside the be the man master class and tribe.

And the reason we have this podcast reason, I have that community of men is to help men be our very best cells, all around this holistic, optimization or whole, life optimization.

So, we are the best husbands and fathers, and businessman, and leaders.

Men that we can be that we can be ready and prepared to help out in any and all situations.

Whether they're man-made problems or natural disasters or just life that were ready to be men when it's needed.

So glad you're here brother, and I appreciate you in and if you're if you're ready to dive in and be a part of this community and give will give back to another group of men and be a part of a group of men who are chasing greatness.

And committed to living deliberately looking at men.

Join it.

We'd love to have, you be a part of the part of the community.

All right, today's guest is Aaron, Alejandra know, and he's known on Instagram as the fit beard.

He's a co-founder of the MDK project with bedros and the apogee.

He's a coach of the opposite program and he's just ripped right?

In fantastic shape and all around.

Just a genuinely great guy and today Talk about a lot of great things, a lot of great principles for Life.

Number one, getting in fantastic shape.

How to just get shredded and a little little nuggets, their man, and it's usually like, there's some general things, we all know.

But then there's some specifics and he shares some, some just golden nuggets here that are super impactful and helpful.

We talk about commitment and what it takes to to win, we talked about having the white belt mindset and gaining skills.

We talked about Out his his guy named Pam, right?

Calls him, Pam, the passive aggressive, man, and we walk through that.

And what's going on?

What we're seeing with men today, and why, why that's happening in the effect, it has on our lives.

Then we talked about what it means to stay on the map and level up and show up.

And look the part and be the man.

No, you're going to love this episode Gentlemen.

Let's dive in Aaron, man.

Thanks for being here.

I'm really excited to to talk to learn about I am, we see Pam right there.

In your background.

We're talking about Pam today and all kinds of awesome.

So, what do you start out?

Giving it to give us a little bit of background, man, how'd you get to where you are?

Yeah man, Greg, thanks for having me on, I really appreciate it.

My name is Erin Elementary know and I am a men's Lifestyle Fitness coach.

I've been in the personal development Fitness space for about two decades.

And I've had the greatest opportunity.

Last four years to work alongside some Titans in the industry, they drove culinary cash care.

Steve Eckhardt Marie.

Min and Max Schneider and we run a program called the project of the restorative.

The NBA project.

That's a passion project where we help men break through their, their passivity wrote the end of the day.

It's a Brotherhood we've created 275 our in-person immersive experience.

It's nice nasty, man.

That is so nasty.

I see these guys go through, done, 14 classes now.

And when you do do a year, like how often is this happening?

Man, we're doing about four year.

We're trying to get to the point where we can do it.

Every other month.

So we get to six down on the calendar.

Yeah, it's exhausting because they don't sleep.

We don't sleep, right?

Exactly.

We're going to 75 hours of on.

Yes.

Yes, full on me and my, my nervous system is like just tapped.

Next Level coming out of it.

I always feel bad for the people in my lady experience.

Post project mode after laughing because it is full on adrenaline.

Well, moment for these guys and that's hard to turn it down, really is.

Yeah, so true.

But it's, it's exciting from the project.

We birthed another program called The Squire program.

This is a father and son, right?

A passage we do this.

It's a, it's a 12-hour period.

We take These Guys, these young men and their fathers, through a bunch of challenges.

They did the ice bath, they do a challenging obstacle course and allows them to build a closer Bond.

And from that program, we all do our own independent coaching and then Coaching specifically I work with that.

I call him Pam, he's the passive aggressive man.

This is the guy that's passive with his hopes his dreams and desires passive with women work in the world of men and we lean into assertive discipline directed action so you can start getting the life he wants and we're just talking right before we got on his you know it really comes down to having a really Clear Vision.

Yeah.

Most guys are no living accidentally and they wonder why they don't have the results they want in their life.

So true.

True and they're just wandering around getting blown about hoping things.

Work out.

We all know, hope is not a strategy.

Hope is a strippers name as my good friend Byron.

Said, hope is a strippers name.

It is not a strategy for Fitness Nutrition mindset, our life that you want.

Yeah, exactly.

You won't.

It won't get you the results.

You're you're after.

It will dive in deeper to that.

So like what were you doing?

Just I'm curious.

What were you doing before all this?

What are you doing the last?

You know, before I even do the project in the coaching, all this stuff, great question.

I was in As in coaching.

So I owned a gym in Scottsdale about four years ago.

I ran that for about four years brick, and mortar location.

It was an MMA gym.

We did Jiu-Jitsu Muay Thai kickboxing, boxing and fitness strength is awesome.

It was my playground.

I love to go back and have a gym again, that was one of my biggest entrepreneurial Ventures.

We had it was Killers kill it, but I learned everything not to do in running a business and that business.

But that's how you have to start, right?

Yeah, yeah and then after that and before that was personal training group fitness coaching some form of Fitness for about the last 15 years.

We and after closing the gym, I was really looking around for mentoring and Leadership and I knew that this next chapter life I had to surround myself with the badass.

Someone that could be a mentor and guide me.

And so I had an opportunity to launch a supplement company with Pedro schooling And this guy is just, if you guys don't know who he is, he's a gangster in the space growing and building businesses.

So he hired me flew me out from Arizona and California to launch the supplement company, and that was going to be my day job.

And then with the couple months of us just working on this new business, and we developed a friendship, we're in the gym, working out.

And for some reason, I always take conversations really deep and so, we might go deep on this conversation of mine, that but we were in the gym working out and I said, you know, the reason I was willing to leave, Arizona, come out here is not necessary for the opportunity business, but it's because you shared something publicly on stage that really inspired me and I wanted to be around that and he shared that he, he was molested when he was young man.

And I said, you know, that's a tough thing for guys to talk about, but the same thing happened to me.

And, you know, I wanted to, I want to learn how to turn that suffering into a superpower and that conversation in the gym turned into.

If you've done this, Of a personal involvement.

I've done this level personal development and we can now talk about the worst thing that ever happened to us.

And it's been a catalyst for positive change.

Yes.

How do we help other men do that?

And that first conversation was was, literally the start of the project.

So we're like, well it's we got to have, we got to create a format where guys, feel comfortable and safe to talk about their pain, their trauma triggers, you know, all the shit that happens to us, that we know, never want to talk about.

We stick in a box and so we started a map this out.

And then the right people were already in his I am a Navy, SEAL a marine, a SWAT operator all came together.

We realized every one of us had a fucked-up upbringing, but we've done something with it.

And were able to take these experiences and turn this suffering into a superpower.

And the project was born.

And within a few months after that, we did class 1.

And so we've done now, 14 class-a, got class 15 coming up next month and it's, we had no idea how much it would become this fulfilling life mission.

Since then, I've left the My company we've got he's got another leader in charge there but I was like I want to go all-in on this men's personal development thing.

And so we launched a fitness program for meant, we launched the father-and-son thing.

I've got my own coaching but it's all focused on helping men.

Yes, a lot of it.

There's there's so much in there.

Want to Circle back to you.

Let's, let's go into this bringing up the pain processing it and then turning suffering into superpower.

I think one of the things because I had her, I had a rough go to early on right in.

In about on my own a 16.

Just trying to figure things out and it was tough.

And I think one of the things that that was a key ingredient because I'm with you guys like I can look back now and I can share my story and say like I'm actually like that thing gave me power but but but for some it like takes away their power and I get it like it's so hard, it is suffering, it is painful but at some point if yeah that's just my perspective here I think we have to see the benefit.

See how we can be better because of it.

And we have to recreate it.

Yes, we reframe it to say, hey, this is something that can make me better.

Mmm.

That's when we get power back.

Absolutely.

And that's and it's the only time we get power back because we can't change the past.

But we can change our perspective around the past and realize that was given to me.

And I believe that all of our misery ends up becoming our ministry if we can, truly truly leverage that leverage our own perspective and turn it into something where it's not suffering.

It's now service.

How can I take this thing to happen to me and Share it with somebody else because it's not for you, it's for everybody else.

So the more that I talked about the more the Pedro's to talk about Andrei and Stephen.

Now and we've talked about our pain, the more people in the audience are like, oh my God.

That happened to me or something similar happened to me.

And the truth of the matter is, you know, statistically one in four people have been molested, two out of three people have experienced, physical, mental, or emotional abuse.

We know.

Fifty percent of families have gone through divorce.

That means 100 percent of us are fucked up.

Like and that's the truth.

Everybody's got Yep.

And and the sooner this is what I look like.

I was saying you, you said it same way as like you can't change the past but you can at any point when you choose, you can change the way you see the past.

Yes.

And I've gotten to this place now where I can look back and, and with sincerity be like, you know, that was horrible.

Like, it was so hard, but I'm actually glad I went through it last because it was a catalyst for growth for me, I gave him.

It made me hungry truth.

Desperation.

Like I will find answers to becoming a whole man where, you know, you wonder had I not had that what I maybe had not had the hunger.

Maybe just kind of floating around like, like a lot of guys, you talk about the passive dudes.

Like, yes, it we're supposed to that are the most meaningful things.

We're kind of passive about that.

And then we're super passionate about things, that don't matter.

Yes.

Yeah.

Well, because we're all trying to find meaning, right?

We're all trying to find meaning.

I believe that, God put this meaning size hole inside.

The middle of our bodies and hearts and and we searched, and we'll make more money will, you know, get a bigger house, faster car will pursue more women, but it doesn't fill this empty void that we've got inside until we really uncover our purpose and I believe our purpose, our purpose, you know, God's Got That thumb print on a purpose.

And the purpose is only really uncovered from our pain.

What makes us passionate and that area played it comes together.

Those three p's triangulated to the purpose, but we got to go, we got to go into the pain first or we got to go into that thing to were afraid.

On most guys are like, man, I want to avoid this.

I'm a stick in a box.

I hope I never have to talk about my feelings ever, and I think it's never going to cause an issue.

But the wonder, why does addiction through the roofs why they have all these vices?

Why are they constantly distracted?

Because they're not going deep into the work.

They really need to do exactly.

So the pain trying to yeah.

Hide it in some distant corner of the heart or Soul.

It's there and it festers and it becomes like a super preventive like limiter.

Inside of us, you're absolutely right.

So and why do you Why are you?

Because you get to work with guys all the time as I do.

Why do you think they're avoiding the pain?

Mmm, why not face it man?

That's Hazel question.

Why not face the pain?

Well it's uncomfortable.

I think that it's uncomfortable and as a man were not equipped with the tools when I think about all the emotional vocabulary that I have for longest time, it was irritation frustration and anger.

Those are the only emotions.

I knew I was either irritative, like that was low level.

I could you let that happen.

Frustrated, which I would deal with or I was angry and that would go into maybe Rage or like something else but it was it was that was the spectrum because I never saw modeled anything else?

Yeah, I might my father figures.

My dad is a deadbeat.

My second Father Figure is a drug addict died after meeting his arm.

Third Father Figure was had another family.

Another side of country like just complete live for the marriage that was with my mom.

And I don't blame any of them but they didn't they didn't model what it meant to have a healthy emotional range.

And so for longest time, I just pointed the finger.

That's Point figure.

I was like, well if everyone else is like that and I can't trust them, I can't trust myself and I guess I just have to be angry frustrated, irritated and full of rage.

And so when we talk about what it's really necessary to go into that pit, where the pain lives, you have to have empathy and compassion and you have to be willing to feel grief and Sadness and Sorrow and all the other emotions that come with working through trauma.

And that's new and most guys don't like to do things that are uncomfortable or new and so they have Avoid that they avoid any time.

The feelings come up, they sedate castrate and the next thing they know 20, 30 years have gone by, and they've either burned their business down to the ground, they burn their body down to the ground.

And next thing to face marriage, the parenting, the relationships, they all get the anger and the frustration irritation.

Yep.

And it all it all plays out man.

Yeah, it's so, you know, you're right.

And I love that.

I love that you're emphasizing here.

Like you have to go in and I feel it all.

It's not, it's not numbing, it's not avoiding, it's not being mr.

Tough guy, I don't feel anything.

It's feeling it, man.

Yeah.

And that's, you know, when we talk about our feelings as man, you know, that is one area that I think makes so many guys uncomfortable, and that's why we don't lead with that.

And we talked about the marketing for the project.

Requiring?

No, they see?

The Navy SEAL, they see the gun.

They see all the cool guy stopped.

Right there.

Be tough.

Yeah, it's gonna be tough.

I'm gonna go.

I'm gonna go do some dude, stuff and develop.

A brotherhood and like that's necessary.

Like we need that confrontation conflict.

We need that as men, but the heart of really what we do.

It brings them to a conversation that we have where they're able to get the worst thing off their chests and we talked about it and then share in a room.

And a lot of these guys, it's the first time they share it and just in doing that, they're like, oh my God.

This thing I was afraid to talk about my entire life that has all that shame and guilt and, and fear around now that I share inside of a space where I've created this relationship with other guys, Yeah, it's not so bad.

Yeah.

And then they get, as soon as they articulated, they get a change, the story behind it and we get a guide them through.

Okay, now, that horrible thing happened.

I'm sorry for you.

I'm there for you as a friend and a brother.

But that was a gift so that you can use that to be a hero for somebody else.

Amen.

That's so powerful.

And there's some cool.

There's cool pieces of the formula the recipe there.

And one of them is doing really hard things.

He's in a, Like A brotherhood.

Like just just facing those physical, mental, spiritual emotional, Social Challenges, it kind of unlocks something, and gives you that space, where then you're like, okay, I can bring this up and I can, let's address it.

Yeah, yeah.

It was such an important part of transformation 100% like we as we as men, we know that we don't want to deal something until the conflict is so big and so we need conflict, confrontation.

We need the competition of healthy men.

That community so that we really feel and build the trust.

And that gives us the courage to make changes like said the whole formula is there but like we gotta get into the ring first and have that first hit and sometimes that first hit is the world.

It's the bankruptcy, it's the diabetes, it's the divorce.

It's something that catches the guys attention.

But whatever it is you have to manufacture that hard thing and that's what the project that's what the Squire program does.

It's the coaching does and you know this that's what Fitness does Fitness manufacturers the hard thing so that you realize That I'm built for so much more.

I got more gas in the tank, I'm good.

I can handle this and I can.

Now I have the courage to face that demon, that I've been avoiding that Dragon bitch, slap that motherfucker an excuse my language.

Well, no, but you're you're intentionally and again, like life will do it to you if you don't, I found.

But if you're choosing Challenge and well, like I call, I like to call it micro dosing and macro dosing.

So micro dosing is the exercises where it's today in the gym, when you don't feel like doing Dang it, you push hard.

It's a micro dose after dose is like, you know, forget this.

Like I'm going to go jump out of an airplane somewhere in some foreign country and like do big pattern, interrupt Big Challenge because I'm a huge mountain, right?

I love big.

Big mountains, when you're trying to break 19,000 feet and you've just feel like crap, you feel like dying and taking baby steps?

You're just nauseated your vertigo, man.

You find out what you're made of right.

Yeah.

College you choose but you're right.

And then then Then you get that strengths.

Okay, where's the dragon?

What does the monster?

Like let's go yes, and let's tackle this stuff.

Well I love it.

Yeah, fired up.

Let's let's shift you because you mention it let's go into fitness next.

And and again this is a huge industry.

A huge.

Well there's tons out there but maybe a couple things you've learned just about getting just.

Just shredded man getting lean ripped getting that last little bit.

Other guy, you know, they'll go out there lift weights so they'll do their cardio do eat well stuff.

But how do you get that?

Last little bit of.

Yeah, well you got to want it first off like anything else.

You got to want it?

And I saw all the guys and I almost tried to deter people from it.

I have a six-pack of maintaining a six-pack, it's not easy, it's not easy.

Like you gotta actually one and the reason I wanted it is I wanted to feel confident about the decisions I made yesterday.

So when I take off my shirt and I look in the mirror, I see somebody that even though he wants to eat.

Eat like an asshole and there was a time when I could eat, like, like that and just crush the calories and I was like, I'm just going to run and work it off.

I know that if the long-term Foundation of what I'm looking at the mirrors because I make good decisions yesterday, so it's a good reminder.

Thats a good reminder.

So first, you gotta live your life is lived on a lag, right?

It's the decisions.

We made yesterday a few days ago to show up in your body or show up in your life.

So your, your bank account 100%?

Yes.

Yeah.

You see the results and you realize this is from Dead yesterday when I didn't feel like doing it and last week and same thing in your relationship, right?

And no.

So the positivity, the benefits you're seeing is all because of the deposits made yesterday and so, I wanted it, I wanted that.

I wanted to wake up the morning, look in the mirror because for a long time, I did it, I didn't like, who I was, I was 130 pounds soaking, wet skinny guy, and so I was like, you know what, my first transformation I want to put on site and so I went down that route when I got from 135 to 215 and I did like the bodybuilder bulk.

You went to 2:15.

Yeah.

Yeah, bro.

It was and it was there was one phase when it was like it was cool and then and then I took that down and then I got into it.

I darker phase where I went from fit beards of fat beard and then the to 1520 like a 2005, very sloshy and sloppy.

And so I've done, I've done the skinny too fat to fit to fit, and all of it.

So I've been in all Spectrum, that's a huge Range man.

Huh, there's 80 pounds.

Yeah, that's incredible.

Oh my gosh.

Where are you at now?

17?

Yeah. 175, we had eight and a half nine percent body fat year-round comfortable there.

I like it there.

I can manage my calories there.

I can still enjoy life there.

I actually had pizza last night.

I had a cornmeal pizza was awesome.

But yeah, it's not at the normal but yeah, I think what pushes you over the edge, is you how to make a commitment at a certain time.

And so when I first did the jump from 135 and I want to pack on the size, I hired a bodybuilding coach.

I said, I don't know anything.

This area.

So I need a mentor and I need accountability, I'm gonna pay for the investment.

I'm going to prepay in advance because these are the results that I want.

I'm going to have you hold me accountable and I did the white belt line set which I've been as a white belt.

So many times, my life I said, just tell me what to do.

I want to pretend I know nothing.

So for 18 months, we hit the weights.

I track my macros for 12 months straight.

I weighed everything that went in my mouth, I track everything that went in my body and for 12 months, I was disappointed.

I brought my food scale ever.

I go out to eat, but the On the scale, wait it out and follow the program for 12 months and then I got the skills by learning from a mentor and it was able to apply it and mold it into my lifestyle.

And so I think that, you know what, gets you there, get accountability pay for the results you want because we pay attention to what we pay for.

I think the reason why so many guys struggle with burning fat building muscle is they follow someone's YouTube plan or $19 cookie cutter program or the not really that committed, I think pay for it.

And you're like, you know what?

Now I have one other social pressure do it.

Then it was a matter of I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna tell people that I'm going to do this and I start posting those crazy.

So I started posting on social media, people were encouraging me, but then now I had extra layer of social accountability, nice.

But I think that's one area that guys also need to leverage and lean into.

If you want to get ripped and shredded set up a photo shoot, six months down the road, tell all your friends, your family followers.

Instead of I don't make this happen, then I'm going to donate to charity.

You can I'll be your slave?

For a week like put some pressure on yourself get a lot more skin in the game that's all you do that.

Just three things right away is like one put some money on the table to get a coach, you're accountable to and three get social accountability.

I mean and then you can go on and on from that right now.

Leveraging it.

Yeah he'll give us.

Give us some of the Because I've read tons of stuff.

I've done a lot, like, ultimately what has worked best for you to maintain that body fat percentage, and just kind of stay stay in a good spot.

Honestly, right now, my biggest cheat code for staying fit because we know the ABS are made in the kitchen, I'm dating a nutritionist.

That that it that is the biggest thing that is.

Yeah, I thought I ate relatively well and so Rachel moved in Rachel.

She's got a functional nutrition practice.

And she is not wired like me, she can have a piece of chocolate from the chocolate bar and then that the rest of the taco bar will last.

In the fridge for weeks, I'm thinking the whole time is like, there's still another.

Yeah, I gotta get some more chocolate.

I got a teaching me how to better moderate my food and to manage, you know, that side of it but because ABS really are made in kitchen body fat is is managed in the kitchen prior to her and that Dynamic of the relationship and having that extra Accountability at home again.

It's so much easier when your persons on board with you it was tracking my food.

Tracking, my food was was the biggest needle mover to realizing how much I was eating subconsciously?

So every time I ate, I had to put it in my app and my fitness, pal is a free app for anyone who's listening watching.

Nice that game changer and then how was it was it more focus on limiting calories or percentages of proteins carbohydrates?

Like give us an idea what you're eating.

Yeah.

So right now.

Now, in this season, where I, man, I do really well with high protein, high fat.

And so, in most part I under 100 grams carbohydrates.

And I have those typically at the end of the day, unless it's a high carb day or got a big run, for the most part, I go, high protein high fat, I'll have my first meal around 11:00.

It's looking like six whole eggs over easy and then some protein Source.

Little butter in my coffee in the morning afternoon meal is going to look like some like that.

Make some Robles and proteins not fat.

And in the evening I'm having a carbohydrate with my Proteins are three meals a day.

Maybe one snack on protein shake and that just does well for me because I notice, as soon as I start deviating from that, my performance is down and I paid enough attention to how my performance, not only from the physical side, but from a conversation standpoint, you know, we've all had that afternoon fog from too many carbs or like or exhaustion fatigue.

Carbohydrates has been much as they build muscle.

They make your brain not function as well, you know, we wonder why we're exhausted at Thanksgiving from overeating over-consuming.

And it's the excess amount of food where bias trying to break it down.

So I really like to limit my food during the period when I'm doing the most amount of work.

So high output days.

I got podcast conversations, plant calls, typically doing relatively fast, adore protein fats, only and I don't underst carbs until the end of the day, beautiful and the facts man, the facts matter so much.

What's your what's your favorite protein Source steak?

Yeah me too bro.

Big you have read me we just had some today to celebrate my daughter's.

Birthday like breakfast, steaks and eggs baby.

Yeah, that's awesome.

And then like I know you're lifting weights, you do not kind of stuff.

Do you do a lot of cardio as well if you like that or you're just I did I do I fell in love with with running about three years ago.

So I ran my first marathon, they dress inspired me.

He's a big 250 pound gorilla and he's like, I ran a marathon in six weeks.

I was like, no, fucking way.

If he can run a marathon, I can run American who 50.

He's a big deal.

Yeah, that's like, I've Always wanted to I've always hated running actually but I've always wanted to build a marathon.

So I trained for one at random on New Year's Day 2020 and I fell in love with the process and so I had 15, 20 miles a week with the dog else keeps the dog in a better State.

I got a full size, German Shepherds, but you know the exercise.

But yes, I do that from a cardio side and then Waits I'm hitting probably two or three, really, heavy lift sessions, and then I called micro workouts I like to do 20.

Pumps twice a day.

Like that's ideal workout day for me, not over exhausting the nervous system and not breaking the body down too much but getting enough of it to stop stirring pump blood pump where I can get back into the work.

Then I feel, I feel good.

That's awesome.

And like, a full-body thing, is some kettlebells are stuff or like, oh, specific muscle group, full body full-bodied.

Yeah, something full body, squat, thrusters jump squats.

Maybe a couple Sprint's up and down before body fold Dynamic, always, a little bit of ice.

That's because you guys throw them in.

There is a dude ha ha and 20 minutes.

Just crank it up and then get back into.

It is an energy pump. 100% hard percent midday.

I love that man.

That's a cool thing.

And then again, it's time, right?

So we're all busy, we got businesses going, we have with families.

You got all these things to do, but you throw that in there, you can make that fit a hundred percent.

Yeah.

And people are always saying I don't mean I don't have time to work out as like, you, you don't not have time to work out, you know, because the clarity Energy the Boost in testosterone the confidence you know as any high performance out there, if you take pride in your business, the thing that you do, your physicality is your philosophy.

So you want to do better in your business, you better make your body ripped and it's your billboard man, truce.

I'm percent powerful.

That's good.

Thanks brother.

Love that.

Let's switch to Pam.

Tell us about Pam.

Ah, I love it.

So I was at this high performance Summit that Pedro School in and Other Mentor was Watson.

We're putting on a couple months ago and I'll sit in the audience and something clicked that heard this before, doesn't have the fact we talked about on this call, your pain is what you need to guide people through.

And I was sitting there as a man.

I've got a people through know, the ability to be able to converse and talk about their problems or trauma, you know, being raised by a single mom and abusive, father figures as like, there's got to be something else and I was just sitting there is like what is the one thing that I've done?

The most of in the last four years?

Has created the most positive results.

I like I take an action.

You're Actually what's the opposite of taking action to pass through them?

Like men have ever been passive as like God, I can't tell you how many times I've been passive.

So many theories in life.

Have been passive passive with approaching a whirling passive with really what I want needs and it just blew into like this light idea.

I don't know how to describe.

There's an idea brainstorm to happen, right?

Until the on it.

So I like to say there was a divine intervention, beautiful, and then the acronym of Pam came up a my God, that is a horrible name, Pam.

This is a perfect though, man.

It's so good.

Damask elated, perfect.

Yeah, yeah, Pam is the passive aggressive, man, and he is passive with everything he wants, man.

It brought me back to this image that I had during my fraternity days and in college, I was 20-something drinking and partying and I had I had this creepy handlebar mustache and he's trapped and I just had this picture of sunglasses on it was so faded.

I had a handle of Jim Beam in my, my board shorts and there's And it's like a flabby gut like all my God, I was Pam.

I remember two girls that I was interested in at the time but I don't have the balls to actually ask them out and so I was like friend-zoning, both of them.

This is like the graves on this, the horrible spot for men to be in or he's got a desire for someone but he doesn't know how to actually approach and be intentional and so he's like, you know, I'm going to beg for scraps, I'm gonna be okay with your scraps.

I just going to be your friend, listen to your feelings and emotions and maybe walk your dog, check your mail that stuff, but I've never actually be assertive and I had these two girls.

There's interest in there, both had friendzone me and I was like that, Pam black Pam, I never want to go back to that place was like, I know.

I'm not alone because of Coach so many guys out of that this form of passivity to start expressing their needs.

And so, yeah, that was a download, it wasn't that long ago and I just started talking about on social media and it was a shocking number of men, that raised her hand reached out and said, identify identify as Pam, and I want to break through break out and rebuild, and so just it's been Again, my suffering my story and sharing with those and walking through the process and the process of breaking through that Pam problem, Pam's passive with everything is action, but action without a vision, or a plan is dangerous.

And so, some of the guys, like I'm just gonna start taking action.

So if we take action by a very clear Vision, the vision is a blueprint and I did this exercise about seven years ago.

I hired a coach and he's like, what do you want?

I was like I want this as soon as he's like well how much by wind, what does it look like?

Does it taste like, what does it smell like and he had me do this exercise?

Where I wrote out my vision, it was future pays five years, down the road and took a lot.

It took a lot to me actually think that far because I didn't believe it was possible, but he worked with me.

And coached me says, art from there, we're going to derive your values when you create your non-negotiables morning, routine daily action plan.

And that exercise was pivotal because now, when I wake up in the morning before my alarm clock and highly energized State, I spend my day and creative collaboration, with men on a mission to change the world that Vision came to life and it was written almost a decade ago.

I love that where we are now man.

I want to put something you said, they're just just clicked so.

Well it's it's like they want if a desire for someone or something but they're willing to take the scraps or willing to settle for less or willing to acquiesce, it could be, it could be wealth, it could be a desire to be just an absolute mastering.

Your craft could be to be like super fit or just have an extraordinary marriage.

Age or great relationship with your kids, or impact in the world and we approached it.

And I think you're spot on with this.

We approach it but stop short of it now and say, man, it's almost a good enough attitude, right?

Yeah, or wit or waiting or whatever.

We were waiting for the right opportunity, rather than creating it.

And I like to use this analogy, I don't know what, you're you're religious or spiritual background as, but most people have heard the story of Adam and Eve.

Both Adam and even Book of Genesis when God created man.

And from man who created woman in the beginning, in the beginning, there was this Garden of Eden where everything was perfect, everything is perfect, and God was like, you can have whatever you want.

You got dominion over all the animals, all the Earth, and I've given you this beautiful garden.

There's only one thing that you should not do to be in obedience with me and that is to not eat from this tree.

The tree had apples on it.

Not every story has got a good guy and a bad guy in the bad guy in.

The story is the slippery snake.

And so he tempts Eve With the forbidden fruit and says Eve, you should just take a bite of this app, right?

And so as The Story Goes, he picks by the Apple, but you gotta Wonder because there's no other women around what the fuck was Adam doing?

He was standing passively by not taking action.

Not speaking up, not stepping up, not standing out, not slapping, an apple out of his hand and saying, Hey listen we have Perfection.

How many times in life?

Have men sat there and stood on the sidelines, waiting for somebody else to do.

Job they should be doing and that's and that's it.

So many guys will point the finger and say, you know what, here's what's wrong with the World Hears?

This one of their politicians.

Here's, what's wrong with our government.

Here's what's wrong with you?

But rather than actually doing the active assertive discipline, dedicated things like stepping out standing up and showing up, they stand passively by.

So it's hardwired in our biology.

I believed to be passive.

It's the high-value man that says, you know what?

I'm sick and tired of seeing the world around me, the beautiful gardens that there is all the possibility.

Just turn into hell, and I'm going to do something about it.

You sitting here watching your and you're so right?

That's, that's so another element of passivity where you're just watching your own life.

It's like, you know, you're in the bleachers and you letting it happen like and complaining about it.

Yes, this doll is terrible.

Such a dude, what are you doing about it?

Yes, I think because I don't know, we tell ourselves stories.

We feel like we don't have as much power.

Yeah, as we really do and I remember, I remember experiencing that maybe you did too, I'll never be in that spot of victimhood where I was like, dude, is Cal what can I do?

You know, this, this situation sucks, the the economy, whatever, you know, these are the cards that have been dealt.

Yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

Besides but overcoming at passivity is to, to get into that real.

Well, it's ownership and its action.

So on and even back and forth at its knowing the direction, you're moving, it's a Clear Vision.

You know, your post today was seeing the spot on, you got to have a direction, you're moving.

You have to Clarity of your vision.

We know what does the next two years look like for you?

What do you really want and what are you willing to do?

What kind of work are you willing to dive into, who are you willing to become and how you want to stretch as an example of this, I had been leaning into Actions for now, last seven years, because I want to develop this ideal of who, I know, I need to become for this life.

That I want down the road.

I want a great life.

I want it all.

I want the woman in the bork and the respect from both men.

So I have to be able to build new skills.

This about three Saturdays ago, I stood on stage and from 80 people and delivered a 20-minute comedy set and it was my first time doing this.

Yeah, stand-up comedy.

But yeah, it was.

Yeah and it was it was a stretch man.

It was stressful as He'll II there was moments, I was like, I'm gonna freeze.

I'm a forget it.

All the toxic thought comes up, I'm not good enough.

People are not going to think I'm funny but that stretch proves to me a that I can do anything.

I set my mind, she first and foremost, but it also adds to the skills for the vision that I want.

I have a vision of inspiring other men that they can do anything they want.

So I have to leave first I have to do things that are scary and terrifying.

Running a marathon of the comfort zone man.

I can't think of either that or singing on stage brofist.

Pero just get uncomfortable, and choose the challenge.

I get in front of it.

I love that man sent ya, I won't, I won't, I won't ever subjugate anyone to sing on stage that might, that might cause a lot more trauma out there in the world then and actually certainly one thought I had while you were talking about Vision, I wonder how often passivity is a symptom of a lack of clarity because we haven't done the mental work.

The soul work to decide exactly where we want to go.

So therefore, we don't take deliberate action.

Yeah.

And it's a vicious Loop, right?

I mean, it's like the chicken and egg, which comes first, the lack of vision, or the lack or the excess of passivity, and you can't have that me.

They coexist, they really do coexist because once you've got a vision and you know, the things you should be doing and you choose not to you're just ignoring it like it's your fault, you're in situations.

There's no ramp.

Yep, you got to own that before the recording you.

And I were talking just about kind of the state of the world there's and the state of the country and the economy, we're in a social and economic winter, and things are chaotic and crazy.

And one thing, I, let's talk about this for a second is like, how do we, how do we stay in a good headspace?

And stay, you know, active involved and I guess active, right?

Instead of becoming passive, like all the world's falling apart, everything's going to hell, like there's no hope like what do you think?

Let's let's have a little conversation about that because it's been on my mind, a lot lately, people see the clouds in the distance.

They see, you know, the news you're talking about, you know, all this trouble.

And I think I think a lot of men Well, I guess I was in the Bible.

Their hearts will fail them.

I think they're gonna, it's going to be hard for a lot of people.

Yeah.

And yet we have to have to stay in the game mentally, emotionally, spiritually, socially financially, physically physically.

Yeah.

Yeah, man.

I don't know that I have the full answer for it all.

This is came to me, is I there was a season when I was I was practicing yoga quite a bit.

I remember a yoga instructor I saying stay in your map, stay in your mat.

Stay in your mat and that was almost like the Montreux, like, stay on your map and what and what the instructor was saying by.

That is don't worry about what I, whatever else is doing around the room.

Perfect your form on your map and when you stay on your mat and you make your frame your body, your build the best that you can only from a physical standpoint.

But a remember again as men are Is a calorie is our philosophy.

So we want to talk about honor and respect and loyalty and perseverance and strength.

We have to show up.

We gotta look that part when so, staying on your mat for me means before we can point the finger anywhere else.

We got to do that.

Deep dive, and look at ourselves.

How are we representing the values that we think that we want the rest of the world's have?

And so I think that's the first fight.

That's the first battle.

That's the first area we got to focus on is our spiritual mental, physical Financial.

Anshel strength, and be the best examples of it at our house first, at our home first.

Good calibration point, I have all the guys that coach with I say, you know, if you're unsure of where your weaknesses are, ask your family.

Yes.

Exactly.

Ask your wife and your kids where they, you could show up more.

I know.

I keep your mouth shut and just listen, I don't want to go there, I'd only gone to and then it's like, okay, cool.

After you asked me tackle that and you've received the truth of how you're showing up in the world now, go to Europe.

He's in your team and ask them how you show up.

Most men are avoid that conflict in that personally back.

And they wonder why they don't have the results they want and if you if you're willing to look in the mirror that other people will hold up for you and then do something about it to Game Changer.

Now, I really like what you're saying Aaron about and that I love the idea of staying on the mat, right?

It's like you, you do you one thing I like to think about is, like, we don't have to worry so much about the The economy as we do about our economy.

Yes.

You take care of your economy and let the economy do its thing.

And yes, we are.

We often get worried about what's happening in the world.

Well, you take care of your world, you're just saying that, you know, you take care of you at home and you make sure your marriage and your family and your house and your business is in Tip-Top condition, your body condition.

And then if nothing else, you'll be that much more prepared for We're having to come along.

Yeah.

And you have a clear lens to hold everyone else.

Accountable to my think the problem that we're really facing as it were pointing finger outward looking for someone else to come up with a better plan than our own and unless you are modeling, what you want to have, how can you ever expect for it to be right?

And it just creates it creates this Perpetual cycle of criticism judgment and blame and frustration because we're choosing not to do the most active thing which is the master own lives.

Exactly.

I think I might know your answer here, but what would you say is the viewer to prioritize and start mastering your own life, right?

Getting things in order.

Where would you say men should start?

Oh man, I think you think I'm gonna say Fitness II did.

But honestly brother And the guys and the teachers and that's a great place to start but you need to learn to trust the voice inside first.

And only way we do that is building a relationship with our higher power.

As you know him whatever your spiritual practice is whatever you want to start beginning that width like he's listening, he's listening, and he will speak to you through whatever modality, religion, or practice suits you at your time, and your journey, but build that Foundation of faith.

First then Fitness Fitness is an exponential.

You got to build your template going to build your body.

We got four F bombs inside a project, but it begins with faith, then Fitness then family.

Family is the people closest to you, build them up, you lead your lead them as you should, you get the feedback from them and it'll very last one is your finances.

Finances are a result.

They are the lagging measure that comes very last after you follow the formula, Faith Fitness, family, finances, but faith.

The downloads from the higher power man.

That's going to be your true north.

That's going to be the voice.

You listen to when there's chaos and confusion, you know, don't know where to go.

So many guys are looking and lost because they don't have this one relationship agreed.

And yeah, it's where you get, we're all Spiritual Beings.

Yes.

And for so many of us, the spirit has been neglected and atrophied so to speak and to get that relationship with God.

And again, starting from the inside out.

Yeah, it's all work.

Yeah, absolutely.

The thing, one of the things I have 44, are things called the triple Trifecta and it's got its got a triple triangle like interlocking like for men, but the first one is mind, body and spirit.

Hmm.

And, and those have to be addressed and I think addressed daily.

Yes, you do some of the dress, your mind, you do some address your body, you do something address, your spirit and your son, you get that centered inside and out.

Man, they and, and, and hopefully ideally, you can do that before anybody else.

Wakes up, man.

Yeah, you could be ready, have full.

So you have something to give a hundred percent, man.

I'd say it, I fight for my morning routine.

Every morning, you have that few minutes dedicated devotion and Solitude to get the downloads that the intention for the day.

Because the days that I don't, that's the days when I'm most subject to the ego.

Most subjects show.

Someone else's environment and someone else's Idea of how I should show up.

You got to get that time in the morning, the morning routine, first and foremost Game Changer, so true.

Hey while we're on that, give us a couple more things that are working for you.

Man.

Have its patterns routines, rituals, what a couple things you have going on that they just are working for you.

I think the biggest thing is working for me in this season right now, man, is is service.

I can't think about anything else that is far more impactful.

I'm finding that, every time I ha Hop on a call like this a conversation like this, a coaching call group call.

And I get to be of service to other people along the journey that is the biggest shortcut to feeling good.

It's almost like addicted to it because it's the only time when I actually feel really good about me and, you know, you tried it, we try to feel good all the time.

Like that is what we're pleasure-seeking creatures as humans and this is the area where I've been getting the most amount of fulfillment.

So my days are pretty packed.

Those were just trying to find an opportunity to find Solace that serving.

I tell all my clients to and says you know whether or not you believe that you are a coach whether or not you believe that you want to ever be in a space of mentoring, guiding someone else, you got to realize that everything you're suffering through right now I'm going to provide you may be an immediate solution to it but your long-term salt to fix the fuck that you're in is to serve someone else on the journey and that's been at school ripple effect.

Seeing the guys I work with take the Take things that were working on and deployed into the world and come back.

Like, oh my God, I feel so good.

I had no idea.

This was possible, I want to get into this space.

How do I do is like, you just do it by being the lighthouse being the example that this world needs, exactly be it.

Be the person that then can is having this impact and you're right?

It's that hundred percent, man.

That is one of the things that brings fulfillment and meaning And fills the feels so good.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

What do you most excited about right now?

Looking forward to actually, I'm writing a book man, Sam.

And every day, I've been this geeking out about it, so that's her dad.

Again, the same this thing kind of just like, sharing our story, sharing the journey, sharing the things that worked to take me from like being home.

Homeless as 16, you know, this this genuinely epic life.

We could live with my wife and kids and then we're going to do is and sharing the principles and practices that work.

So that's that's one thing has got me, stoked.

And then our family is doing this epic trip.

This winter.

We asked our kids, like, we're going to spend Christmas and they were like Norway.

No way.

What like what?

It's cold and dark their Christmas are.

Yeah, we want to go to Norway.

So we're going to spend all of December.

Our way.

And then we're like afterwards, my daughter, she's 15.

She's always wanted to, like, hit a whole bunch of countries really fast and we found train routes through 15 countries.

Wow, Christmas.

We're just gonna backpack and do trains with the whole family, through all these countries and then end up land in Portugal.

Wow, that family just geeking out about that like this, that is Venture on the horizon.

Yeah, and that is making memories, you know, making memories and you got four kids seven men.

Evan, holy cow, the whole the whole pack.

The whole clan is going, are one daughter.

Our oldest daughter is not.

She decided to do a mission trip, Dominican Republic and so shocked and then the others will go and have create those memories man, gather experience.

Wow!

Wow!

I love that.

That is beautiful.

Can I ask another question fire.

Okay, cool.

So you got this this whole the whole clan going out there for the beginning of the year.

What is the feeling that you want to feel when the trip is done?

On and the dust settles.

You're over the excitement and you're starting to settle in, what is the feeling you want the family to feel?

Yeah, we so we have been traveling extensively for like, six.

I think 16 years now and we go out with that that same thing of like what do we want to have afterwards?

Right.

And what's what's been so spectacular is, you come away from it with a bond?

It's like what you guys.

Doing the project and, and with fire son, especially the thought of someone, right?

You go and you have a big adventure, you face a challenge, you create a memory and experience and then you have a bond that's unique to you and that moment that you get the rest of your life.

Like I took my son and daughter, we went to Mongolia and we rode ponies across Mongolia like so cool.

Unforgettable took my other side and we went, we literally circled all of Iceland took my other son and we, he and I went hike to the base camp of Everest.

Wow.

After that, and four years since right?

It's this Bond.

We have is this connection.

And now with the whole family doing this, obviously the stimuli right from food and castles and experiences and cities and all this stuff and the trains and the sights and the people were going to meet.

We're going to have this this common Bond and will have these memories and experiences that will be ours to cherish forever.

Yeah and when you walk away, just feeling connected.

Well that we're better.

So this kind of our philosophy like we when we go somewhere we want to we want to come away better because of it and we want to leave the place of the people better because we've been there, right?

And so it you step away for, if you do it right now, you step away from those experiences and everything and everyone's better because of my mom.

That was beautiful.

That's, that's a life lived with intention.

Yeah, yeah.

It's and it's so rewarding, right?

So I wanted to Just ask because I have a feeling there's going to be some some wisdom here, man.

What are?

What are some lessons you've learned from failures or mistakes?

We start off saying, like, you when you had your your gym and Scottsdale, you know, learn what not to do and maybe talk about that or whatever else, what comes to mind is like mistakes or failures along the way that you're like man.

That was really valuable lesson, learned, they're not permanent.

Even though they feel permanent, I think we often will feel a failure coming on or we may be are in the middle of a failure or a season of failure, maybe we make a mistake.

You know, this Pam guy.

He wants to keep you stuck in that failure Loop.

I'm not good enough.

I'm not worthy.

This is who you are.

You're never going to make.

Gets you see?

I approved it right.

That's that, toxic thought it keeps us stuck in the failure and the mistake.

And I as I've got Little more maturity is realizing, it's not permanent not permanent.

The only thing that is permanent is the feeling that I choose to associate with it?

Meaning the meaning we give it.

Yeah.

And so that, you know, the reframing the self-talk is being aware of the triggers and where the trauma comes up and being able to have, you know, healthy dialogue with other people that have been there and closing the loop on that as quickly as possible.

But, you know, the longer I spend Time in my negative thought patterns the higher likelihood that I'm going to do something toxic, you know, self-sabotage me to lose my temper or want to go to advise or something like that.

And so first identify it's not permanent, it's not permanent and then trying to find support, you know, that Community which for longest time, because I didn't trust men because of the abuse and Trauma.

I went through, I didn't also trust myself.

I didn't want to tell anybody about my mistakes and my failures, and so I kept it all private.

And so we talked about this White Knuckle.

Just white-knuckling it trying to make it through.

And then the failure is what Mound?

Because no one's meant to walk this path alone.

And the frustration irritation, the rates All That Grew and continue and we would continue to grow and so not permanent find people to talk to about and then to realize that the more failures you face directly with intention the faster, you actually get to success.

And that's I think that's the biggest thing.

I think about how much the stories I built around.

What would happen in the worst case?

If I was going to step on stage and try to deliver comedy bit.

And if I would have froze, like, how horrible it would have been the embarrassment, all this stuff and, and like the worst case, right?

And I've been there.

One time before Side Story, I was extra and Transformers 2, and this was maybe 15 years ago.

This movie came out and my girlfriend at the time she was, she wanted to be an actress.

And so she found this cat.

I think all and so she's in line and we went out for a Squall, she's in line.

She's in actually doing the casting call and I was in line holding her purse.

Local news channel comes up sweeps, the crowd and stop some me and says, you know, moving you guys are, you know, applying for and I said no, I have no idea but I think it's Snakes on a Plane to and I said it was just a little bit of humor and if you saw Snakes on a Plane one, there should have been there.

Definitely is not Snakes on a Plane to was one of the worst movies of all time.

Snakes on a Plane, makes no sense.

And I said it with humor and like, oh my God, you're a natural.

That was really funny.

The casting director saw that reached out through the news channels, through my girlfriend found me and said, Hey, listen, we've got this part.

We loved for someone local to deliver this, would you be interested in being an extra in a movie?

As you're going to have two lines, you have to share and like absolutely like all you got to do is show up on camera, that's a matter energy.

Enthusiasm be had on the the news bit and you're going to be great.

I'm like awesome I can do that.

And not tell me what movie or who the co-star was, I was going to be in it and so I show up and Going to be a ticket agents for Southwest Airlines.

They put me in Southwest Airlines.

Garvin's is you have two lines to share ma'am.

Please.

Calm down.

And ma'am have your bags remain in your possession the whole time.

That's all you have to say.

I'm like done I got practice from your all's good and like by the way you're going to be delivering these lines to Megan Fox like fuck.

Yeah.

As I was awesome also and terrifying and so they they get me out there and I'm And take a counter and I'm practicing the line.

And then she comes up.

She's like 25 feet away and she's he's got a little Gaggle people around her and I start panicking Palm start sweating heart starts racing and I freeze up, they got the lights on me here.

Like all right, can you say lines?

I literally could not speak.

Nobody knots, I couldn't speak.

I completely froze, man.

Dripping heart and feeling like 160 beats per minute and I just, I could not talk and so they literally moved me off stage.

They probably seen this lot in Hollywood.

Someone else does align.

I'm standing in the very back rub scene.

You can see like the edge of my shoe and since then I had the hardest time talking on camera talking to people because I'm like that feeling kept coming up that trauma kept coming up and that's like the worst thing that you could possibly happen.

Again they didn't kill me.

That was a failure.

You could say for that failure also taught Me that I can overcome my failures, or I can listen to my failures and so step on a stage, a few weeks ago and that same feeling comes up, I'm behind stage and wait for them to call my name.

I'm heart rates.

A got a little heart tracker.

It's up. 140 beats per minute as I'm just standing and with all my God, does this happen again?

Self-talk and breathing went out there and I crushed it, crushed it.

And yeah, so failures they're not permanent, they're not permanent and but they are necessary to be able to reach the next level of success, because No one's giving greatness just on a silver platter.

And and man, one of the things I really want to re-emphasize that you said was the sooner you can get back up recover from failure, get out of the toxic negative state where you're more likely to self-sabotage.

So yeah fail faster but get up.

Yep.

Learn from your mistake in and hit it again.

That's so critical.

Absolutely absolutely Erin.

So awesome brother.

So so awesome.

Lots of lots of nuggets here man.

Anyway, Last thoughts for men before we wrap up anything else?

You want to share this?

Just been valuable?

Yeah, I think I think the biggest thing that I would love to share with anyone listen to this is that and I think you might agree with this Craig you know there's nothing special about me or you.

The only thing that makes us special is that we're going out there and doing it.

And so if this conversation inspired them and anyway take action, stop being passive.

Go do something set a vision for your life so you can have the kind of memories that you're creating taking the whole family to Norway and travel and - amazing stuff like, that's what life's about what we meant to live and abundant prosperous, beautiful fulfilled life, but it doesn't happen by accident.

So, be inspired by this conversation, but then take action, exactly break away from that passivity, man.

So powerful, brother, that's so awesome.

How can, how can people connect with you, man?

And I appreciate that website are no Henry no.com and I got a podcast as well, which I love To have you on as a guess we can continue this conversation?

Yes.

Yeah.

And then Instagram.

The fit beard.

Perfect.

Okay.

I'll put links to that in the show has been like a brother.

Thank you so much for being here, man.

Thanks for sharing.

Thanks for being being willing, to be open and share, share your story, and your journey of fans.

Things your that, that you're learning, they're working for you.

This is, It's powerful to hear that and see, see the story and see the example of what you're doing because that then like you it's just we all just stop and like, look, man we can do this.

This hell yeah, we can do that and we need more people doing it.