#71 "I really wish my husband would...."

Gelman, welcome to the Be the Man podcast.

Today we're changing the name to the Formidable Family Man podcast.

I love to be the man name, but I want to even refine it down more.

This is all about family.

It's always been about family and about being a family man and specifically a formidable family man.

To be formidable is is to be tough, to be respected because you earn respect.

It's to do things in a way that is is marked with excellence.

It's building a reputation on real results, right?

Like I think it was Henry Ford, at least it was tributed to him.

And he says you can't build a reputation on things you're going to do.

And so to be formidable means that physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, socially, financially, we are striving to be our best and we are producing real results.

We're making palpable progress.

So much so that it would hold up in court like they were actually moving forward and getting things done.

That's the ideal.

Now, obviously, we're all working on that.

And maybe maybe you're you're not in the best shape you want to be in, or maybe your marriage isn't where you want it to be ideally.

Or maybe your relationship with your kids or one of your kids or all of your kids.

Maybe your family times been weak and you're not living that family legacy that you dream of.

Or maybe it's your spirituality has been suffering or your engagement with friends or your leadership or your finances aren't where you want them to be, wherever that is.

And in fact, you know, wherever we are, you could actually be crushing it.

And I hope you still are striving for the next peak, the next achievement in a super healthy way, right?

That we're grateful for what we have, what we've achieved, but we're never going to settle for less.

We're never going to settle and acquiesce to mediocrity.

And so to be formidable is to be respected and, and in a really healthy way to be inspiring.

I hope, I hope you long for that with me to be a great force for good.

In fact, that's the one thing I wear here on my, on my wrist, I have a little bracelet that I had made, says GFFG.

And it stands for, you know, to be a great force for good.

That's what I want to do.

But in order to be a great force for good gentlemen, we must be formidable family men.

And that means showing up and getting things done.

It means doing the right thing at the right time in the right way.

It's doing the right thing when it's difficult.

But I was going to say, especially when it's difficult, it's being everything you desire to be with your own personal high standards and high ideals and leaning into that because I'm, I assume you're, you're with me on this, that at the end of the day, at the end of life, the, the things that matter most are not things.

They're people.

And those people are our wives and our children, fellas, is what absolutely matters most.

And we all need to remember that and act accordingly.

We we often say that our wives and our children are top priority and say what?

You know, when people ask what are the most important things your life, you're like, yeah, family.

And yet we end up giving our time and our attention, our focus, our resources to work, to toys, even sometimes fellas, to entertainment.

We give more time and attention and resources to entertaining ourselves than we do to our families.

And that gentleman has to change.

So from this point forward, to be the Formidable Family Man podcast.

And we're making that shift.

Just to be very specific, this is for men, family men who genuinely want to be formidable or formidable.

You say it either way and lean into being tough, really tough mentally, physically, spiritually, it's being in phenomenal health and fitness.

It's getting our marriages into and bulletproof romantic state.

It's having massive amounts of of influence with our kids.

Genuinely, it's it's leading our families from the front.

And if we're not leading our families from the front, fellas, where are we?

What are we doing?

My SO, my wife coaches moms and wives.

I coach men mostly, and some couples.

And we've been doing this for years across continents.

So you can imagine how often we have conversations with men and women and couples.

And it's been growing lately, the amount of times that we get requests from, from wives, loving wives, good wives who want their husbands to lean in, to step up, to be formidable family men.

And I, I heard it again recently and I, we keep hearing it, my wife keeps hearing it.

And so I wanted to, to address a little bit today.

We'll often hear statements like this.

A wife will say, I love my husband, he's such a great guy, but I really wish he would.

And then they share what they wish their husbands would do differently or better.

So as I leave that open-ended sentence hanging there, what comes to your mind?

What would you think are are the most common things wives are wishing their husbands would do differently or better?

Even more important, what do you think your wife would say about you?

I know I think about this a lot.

What would my wife say about me?

And now we, we have such an awesome relationship that she just says it.

And I'll even ask her.

And if you have a great relationship with your wife, ask, even if you don't ask, just ask her.

Say, babe, what do you wish I would, would do differently or better?

And and if she's afraid to tell you the truth, who's made her afraid?

That's an important question.

If your wife is afraid to be completely open and honest with you, who has made her afraid to do that?

And in an ideal situation, gentlemen, we're going to have that kind of relationship where we can talk openly and honestly with our spouses and we can ask those questions and be ready for those answers and not be defensive.

But really, we don't have to say anything.

We just ask and listen.

Now, does that make her 100% correct with everything she says is is gospel truth?

No, but if she says something you know is true, those are the ones that are going to sting the most when you know already, right?

This, this is what hurts for us.

We know already where we're dropping the ball and then our wife say it.

It's like, oh man.

And in those moments we're so tempted to be defensive and and well, honestly, even lie, lie to ourselves, lie to her, light other people that we're not dropping the ball.

The truth is we're not where we want to be.

And the best answer is to say, Yep, you're right, babe.

Thank you for pointing that out.

I'm going to work on that, right?

And and don't make these big fancy promises that you can't keep.

In fact, let your results do the talking.

That's one aspect of being a formidable family man as you let your results do the talking.

The gentleman asked me yesterday.

He's like, hey, what?

What?

What qualifies you to coach other men, businessmen and family men and entrepreneurs.

People are out just accomplishing incredible things.

The people I get to work with are high achieving go getters.

He's like, he's like, this is just just an honest question.

It's like what qualifies you?

And the answer is my results.

My results are my credentials.

And it isn't like a fleeting result that I had once and lost those one hit wonder or, you know, a result that comes and goes.

It's inconsistent or oh, I've had it for a little time.

Like these are results I've had for years, in many cases over 2 decades.

That's why.

And then I've taken what I've learned and experienced myself, the results that I've created in our family and I've packaged them in a way that I now can share them with other men who are also getting the results.

So now that just exponentially magnifies the credibility and, and ultimately, fellas, that's, that's what it comes down to.

Your results are your reputation, your results are your credentials.

Now we we live in a society that loves degrees and certificates and all these little cute labels and letters we put after a name and all these titles and positions and all those things, but none of that really matters at the end if we don't produce solid results.

So back to the statement from our wives.

He's a great guy.

I really love him, but I sure wish he would ultimately, if I could package all of their statements into one theme.

It really comes down to I wish he would lead our family from the front.

I wish he would be a better example.

Usually it's it's one or two or three specific things like I wish he would be in better shape, get in better shape and and that he would make health a priority.

I wish you would stop turning to entertainment so much.

I wish when he comes, comes home from work, he would stop playing video games and stop watching TV and stop disengaging and saying he just needs to unwind and disconnect and, and rest.

I wish he would help lead our family in spirituality, that he would lead our family in leadership well in, in going out and making a difference, right?

And leading other people and leading in the community.

We, we go through every aspect of life, right?

So your body, she, she wants you to be healthy and fit and to lead your kids and show them the example.

She wants you to have the mental fortitude, mental fitness.

I wish he would be more confident.

I wish he wouldn't be so negative.

So there's two aspects that right.

I wish he wouldn't be so negative and then I wish he would be more positive.

Those are two things and, and two different things.

And, and they're important because we can get rid of the negativity and just be neutral.

But we have to be positive.

We've got to be positive force for good in our own homes.

I wish he wouldn't have so many doubts and fears.

We wish you wouldn't be so pessimistic.

There are a lot of good men who are hiding behind their fears.

They won't lead their families from the front because they're afraid.

They're afraid to fail.

They're afraid of looking like a failure.

They're afraid of the effort it's going to require.

They're afraid of the pain that comes with transformation and pursuing massive goals.

They're afraid of big dreams.

And so they settle into a mediocre, a mediocre existence.

They acquiesce to mediocrity In my book, for me and my house, that is absolutely unacceptable.

Sometimes I hear wife say, man, I just, he's a great guy.

I love him.

I wish he would wish he were taking care of his spirit more, his soul.

We should lead our family that way.

I wish he would date me more.

I wish he would actually make our marriage a priority.

I know a lot of women and wives, they plead that they wish that they were the most important person and thing in their husbands lives.

That's a solid question fellas right there.

Does your wife feel like the most important person or thing in your life?

Now you can say she is.

You got to back it up with real results.

Does she feel like that?

Or does she feel like your toys or your job or your hobbies, your buddies, other things are more important to you than than she is?

Man, that one's important.

Good wives wish their husbands would listen more, reconnect more.

Gentlemen, I know that you and I, we are very interested in sex and physical intimacy with our wives.

Our wives are very interested.

As interested as as we are in sex.

They are as interested in emotional connection.

They want to talk and they want you to ask how they're doing and they want you to listen.

Mostly with our mouths closed.

Fellas, we don't have to say anything.

We don't have to try to fix it.

We don't have to try to, you know, say that you shouldn't feel like that.

You don't worry about that.

Just listen.

If you've been away on a trip and you come home expecting sex, but you don't even make an effort to reconnect because it's, it's interesting.

I've noticed this with my own wife and and with the women that my wife gets to coach and I get a coach sometimes when there's any kind of separation, even for the day, for work or whatever, they feel a need to reconnect.

It's almost like when you go away physically, there's just this gap, there's this, you know, divide.

And so you have to reconnect and that's reconnecting mentally and emotionally and socially through talking, communicating.

So if you're, if you come home, like the very first thing you should be thinking, I know what the first thing you're actually thinking is because I do the same, but I've had to train my mind.

Like the first thing I have to do is reconnect emotionally.

We have to talk and not like superficial transactional talk.

Oh, how did you sleep?

Oh, how, how was the thing?

How was soccer practice?

Like, let her talk about whatever she wants to talk about.

Let her talk through the things she's worried about or concerned about everything that's on her mind.

Help her close all the, the open tabs that are in her head and, and reconnect as a couple, as human beings.

There's two people in love.

And then guess what?

Your sex life will be absolutely amazing like mine is because I make it a priority to connect emotionally by listening, really truly listening and and dating her and courting her and and loving her and taking care of her.

It's huge, massive.

Another thing we hear all time from wife's like I, he's great guy.

I love him.

I wish he would spend more time with kids.

I wish he'd be more engaged with our children.

I wish he would make our kids a priority.

I wish he would pay attention to our kids.

I wish he would come home and engage with them in their projects and their homeworks in the in the things they're doing.

I wish he'd be more interested in them.

I wish he'd be more interested in what they're interested in.

This is stuff I hear all the time, fellas.

And, and these are your children.

We should be deeply interested in our own kids and what they're doing.

Now, if you're, if you're sitting here saying, oh man, I'm but I'm not interested or my kids are annoying, or I don't like spending time with them or they don't like spending time with me, that, Sir, is on you and on me.

It is our responsibility to make sure that our kids are not annoying.

It is our responsibility to lead them into interesting things.

It is our responsibility as men, as dads, to genuinely become interested in our kids and what they're pursuing.

If your kids right now or in a spot where you're like, you're not enjoying where they're at or what they're doing.

If it's not, if it's not awesome, if it's subpar, that is on you, Sir.

You are the king in your Kingdom and you're responsible for all the results in your Kingdom.

So step it up.

I do whatever you have to do to be more interested and to be more interesting, to be more pleasant to be around again.

I, I could drive this one home so hard.

If your kids don't like being around you, that's on you.

If you don't like being around them, that is also on you.

So change it, right?

That's the good news.

Just like change it, alter it.

Do whatever you have to do.

Get the coaching, get the skills, get the knowledge.

I figured this stuff out and this is literally why I created the Formidable Family, Man, Tribe and Master class.

To share the knowledge and skills that I've picked up over the last 23 years as as a husband and a father and with the thousands of men I've been able to work with across 5 continents.

Like this stuff makes a massive positive difference.

And we don't have to just endure a life that we don't love, especially a family life.

Brother, I hope you love crazy, love your family life.

And if you don't, then it's it's your opportunity and moral obligation to make it better.

Other things that the wives will say is they wish they were, you know, that the husbands were deliberately leading the family legacy and the family culture of the family dynamics, not only will not only leading in the right direction, but stop contributing to being being a negative part of it, right.

The causing problems.

They often, you know, wives often and wish that their husbands were more playful, you know, more roughhousing, bringing a positive energy force instead of a negative energy.

I hear all the time, fellows, the wives and kids wish their dads weren't so angry, so temperamental.

There are a lot of wives and a lot of children who live in fear of your angry outbursts.

That's not who you want to be, brother.

You're better than that.

Remove that stuff for your life.

I and I can say that because I did it, I had a crazy temper and I got rid of it.

No more, man.

I don't.

I don't do anymore.

Life is too good.

Family is too important to have all these angry outbursts over small things or even big things.

Get rid of that crap.

Lead that family legacy from the front.

The other thing that the wife's asked about is that that men would lead more in earning more income.

You know, providing financially well enough, like, and there's a lot fellas, there's a lot of you who could easily increase your income easy.

You could get a raise, you could get a different position, you could go to a different company, you could enter a different industry.

You can start your own business or start another stream of income, right?

You do all that stuff.

And so I hear that all the time, wives wishing their husbands would earn more, wishing their husbands would manage the budget more and curb the expenses, like where the money flows is a big deal.

And good wives are wishing their husbands would do that and that they would set up financial security.

Through good investments, right So what I did, just did there and, and you probably caught it as I went through the triple trifecta.

So it's fitness, family and finances.

And under each of those three things, there's three more things that's what I did.

I just went through those things and those are the main things I don't, I don't make this stuff up and I don't I don't like it doesn't align exactly.

It's like the reason I compiled and you know, formulated the, the triple trifecta with years of working with couples and with people I realize, oh, that's it those are the 9 things that fit into three things, the triple trifecta that that women and men are concerned about that make us successful and happy in life.

And of course there's going to be a bunch of very specific things here.

So just to revisit this question, what would your wife say?

She says ah, my husband's a great guy.

I really love him, but I wish he would what, fill in the blank?

Write that to spend some time thinking and writing, even ask her if if it's appropriate and get to work.

I've done that many times in our marriage and it has been so worth it.

There were things that I asked Rachel to tell me that we're painful to hear, but that's why we do it, fellas, because we're men.

Be a man.

Keep that backbone in place.

Don't be so fragile.

You can't receive feedback from your wife or from anyone for that matter, and your kids as well.

And then when your wife and kids are asking you or telling you to do something better or different, just do it, man.

Lean in.

And it's hard at first, but then once you get it set up, it's like, this is way better.

Life is so much more meaningful and fulfilling and rewarding when you, Sir, are being a formidable family man.

And every day I get up to strive, be that man to be a little bit better every single day.

And the rewards are worth the effort always.

So that's, that's the message for today, fellas.

And, and again, don't like this isn't to, to beat you up or make you feel bad.

I mean, some, some things come along and you do feel bad.

And where there's pain, there's power, right?

When I make a mistake and my wife calls me out, there's some pain there.

But where there's pain, there's power.

When I'm weak and I keep making committing errors or failing to do what I know I could do that hurt.

It hurts a lot.

And I think it's true for all of us when we know we're living below our potential.

There's pain there.

Take that pain and turn it into power.

And then also celebrate a lot, fellas, I know, I know a lot of you feel like failures.

I know I have felt like a failure often when I wasn't being a formidable family man.

And it's it's a crushing weight and it's sickening.

And sometimes you want to quit or give up or you just want to just, you know, use excuses, play the victim.

So those is the way things are.

This is just how life is.

But none of that's true.

There was all just lies.

There's all stories we're telling ourselves.

And so then we face it like men and we make the changes and we celebrate the progress we're making.

So I really want to emphasize that, fellas, celebrate all the good things you're doing and all the good things you've done and where you've come from.

Celebrate that big time and use that as motivation and joy and happiness and, and drive an incentive.

You're already doing a lot of great things.

That's fantastic.

So when you're sitting there saying I'm such a failure, I'm such a failure, don't catastrophize it.

Don't make it worse than it is.

Celebrate what you've done, acknowledge where you need to do better and lean in.

Again, the the easiest, best way to do this is with leverage.

And that leverage comes from coaching and from a tribe of good men.

So I, I genuinely hope you will join the formidable family and tribe.

I really do.

We meet every week.

We discuss relevant, important things that pertain to us leading our families from the front.

And there's a whole master class attached to it that includes all the all the important roles, all the important things we have to do is mend.

It's all there.

And so so get the tools, get the tactics, set up the systems and strategies, and be the man.