#66 Why Dads Don't Babysit, & Simple Strategies to Be an Awesome Dad, with Nate Feathers

Gentlemen, welcome to the Beam Man Podcast.

My guest today is Nate Feathers and I know nothing about him.

He and I just met this week.

He doesn't know me either.

So we just met this week on Instagram Live and awesome, awesome vibe, awesome energy and a great message for men.

So I was like, man, let's, let's get on and have a conversation.

So, brother, welcome, welcome to the B Man Podcast.

Why don't you just tell us about yourself, your story, your family and your message?

Sure.

Yeah.

Thanks so much.

Thanks for having me on, man.

It's kind of funny because that that live was one of the best lives I've ever like been on and done.

And it just was so good that when you were like hey, let's do this, I was needed to needed to connect with you again.

So I'm glad we're doing this.

Yeah.

So I am a father of six and the youngest is 6 weeks yesterday and the oldest is 20 or will be 20 in May.

So just just a hair under 20 and I got you know everything in between, so 2017, almost 18 and then 873 and six weeks old.

So it's been a massive.

Gap.

Yeah.

So that actually is I was, I was married before, had two children.

We were pretty much done and then you know that whole relationship went awry and and we can talk about that too that like nothing's off limits with me.

So and then I met my wife now and we, I always wanted a big family.

So two for me just seemed real little.

And so when she said she wanted to have kids, I was like, yeah, let's do it.

And so here I am at 43 with a six week old.

Yes Sir, like.

Like I told you other day I'm I'm jealous.

I I so here here's something fascinating and I'd love to hear your perspective too.

Early on as a dad it it was a chore to to do the diapers to do the sleepless nights.

You know bouncing babies that just wouldn't stop crying and and it was so much work and you're exhausted.

You're trying to figure it out, right.

You're just like what work how how do babies work?

Like where's the manual for this thing?

And they.

Don't give a.

Crap about your agenda or what's important to you, your priorities, like, whatever.

Right.

So you're just like enduring it and and I wanted to be a good dad.

I'm like, I'm going to make the most of this but when we got down to our last two or three kids and and again I I enjoyed my kids, I I we have 7, right?

I love family that you do.

Absolutely love kids.

When I got down to the younger ones and I realized like once this is over, like this is over.

And I.

Started to like Cherish, even diapers it It sounds crazy.

Like.

I got one-on-one time with these little babies looking right in my eyes.

And then potty times, you know, you get little ones just screaming in front of the bathroom and daddy.

Come one thing.

Yeah, right.

And it when I was at first, I was like, oh, I can't wait till it's over.

And then at the end I was like, I'm going to be sad when this is over and I I genuinely miss the little ones and can't wait.

To be.

There's something I love every stage so far.

We our oldest, yeah, 21.

I love every stage, man.

The little ones, they're just, there's so much work, but they are so, so fun.

Yeah, no, I totally agree with you.

And I have loved.

I have.

I have loved like a love, hate relationship with every stage.

Every stage has its pains and frustrations, right?

Where you're like pulling your hair out.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I I remember my oldest was in 8th grade and I looked at him and I was like, dude, you're my oldest.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I was in 8th grade once, but I've never been a father of an eighth grade.

I'm just throwing stuff at the wall praying something sticks, man.

I'm just out.

I'm over here trying.

And I honestly think that was a great conversation because he realized, oh, dad isn't Dad doesn't know everything either.

Like, he's trying to like, I'm trying.

I don't know.

And it's OK to to not know, you know, But I, I, I, I would say that every stage has so many great things, you know, So the baby, I'm with you.

When the oldest was born, I was like, what is going on?

You know, you're trying to figure all this stuff out for guys that are just getting into this stage of life.

It's really hard, really frustrating.

And it also feels like your wife just drops into it and it's like, yeah, this is what I do, you know, it's.

And it almost feels like it's unfair and we don't know what we're doing.

You're right.

There's no manual.

And I won't say our wives have an unfair advantage, but I really do love that.

I believe in God.

I believe I love that God put in them the cellular structures and the way it is to actually become a mom as she is growing the baby inside her.

We don't get that.

So she will automatically do things because it's just intuitive and feels right.

And all of that is from nature.

You watch Mama bear is a real thing.

You know you don't mess with grizzly Cubs because Mama is somewhere around and she will hurt you.

A lioness like babes or Cubs, they crawl all over her.

They just get it.

And it's harder for us because we didn't get the oxytocin levels and the bonding and all of that stuff as a with babies.

Nine months of literally being one?

Yes, with another.

Living being.

That's a beautiful thing that God created for us, Yeah.

Absolutely.

I mean, you rest that baby's head.

Mama rests her baby on her chest and he hears home because he's heard that heartbeat for so long.

It's just normal.

So that's beautiful.

And I love that.

So for dads, it was really, really hard on the front end.

But now I'm like, I'm like what you said.

I cherish.

I change most diapers because that's a chance for me to connect with the little guy, you know?

I mean, we had a mess last night.

It was, it was, you know, blow out all that and I'm sitting there.

Oh, dude, it's crazy.

And I just was like, turn the tub on because we got to wash him off.

It was one of those.

But that's me.

But and then I bathed him.

So it's.

I'm right there.

He gets that.

You know, I I found out that like, pheromones that the wife puts off during pregnancy and up into birth.

Actually, the man smells those.

It will decrease his testosterone because testosterone inhibits oxytocin.

And so it helps decrease our testosterone levels in that time so we actually can bond with our kids, which is amazing.

And I love that again, that those those things that God puts in us to give us the ability to have that bonding time, we just have to take it, you know, we have to and.

I think I think there's something there is like, OK, it requires a little more deliberate action and intention or some real purpose and and being more proactive, but but that's the way it should be that as men like no, this is, this is my opportunity.

I'm going to step up to the plate for this.

I'm going to do whatever I have to do.

I'm going to, I'm going to work on my own patience, my own, my own stuff, so that I can be a better man and lean.

Into this.

And and genuinely I feel bad for the dads who aren't leaning into cleaning up the messes and changing the diapers and and getting into the the messiness of being a father.

Because in in the mess are also the the rewards, right?

Yeah, that's where the connection happens.

Yeah, yeah, that's.

Yeah, I love that.

Yeah.

And then you step into like toddler hood and there's just, they just love you.

They want to be on you and all over you.

Like they're just jumping all over.

That's it can be annoying, but at the same time if you think like you said, like this is over this, you know this will be over at some point you just start going, wow, I I love it.

Yeah, just crawl over me.

You know how many times did?

You get kicked or hit in the nuts like raising 6 and and seven kids, man, like.

And there wasn't a single time I could like lay down or get close to the ground without turning into a jungle gym like every single time.

And and if you come home exhausted like I did, and they're like, yeah, they're Danny, like I had a choice.

Like it was like this crossroad immediately.

Like, do I tell them how tired I am?

Do I tell them no, Do I get upset with them or do I say, you know, who's going to be the man here?

Like.

Let's go.

Let's let's generate some energy.

Let's be a dad.

Even though I am, of course I'm exhausted.

But if I want to play with them, they want to play with me.

Let's go right.

And turn into.

The best memories?

Yeah, I've had and I would say that that's actually part of part of my journey was becoming healthier because I got more energy.

I was able to hold them, move them like, I mean, I can like I could press them overhead like I am some superhero to them and I could just keep going.

And my whole goal, as I got further into my my fitness, I was like, I'm going to run them into the ground.

I'm going to make it so that they asked me to be to like stop.

Aim.

And so the catalyst for me was I want to hear your story too, of fitness.

So my parents divorced when I was really young.

Step dads came and went, several of them.

And I remember my dad.

My dad would come to visit maybe once, maybe twice a year.

He'd just show up for a few hours and visit.

And I remember one time he rolled around.

I was probably 13 and I was a pretty big kid and I wanted to wrestle.

I mean, I was just just a rough, tumbling, awkward kid.

I wanted to wrestle.

I wanted to be physical, right?

And I grabbed him and and and he's like, no, no, don't, don't do that.

Stop.

No, I'm.

I'm older, like, and he just, he just shut me down.

He he wouldn't wrestle or do anything physical.

And I remember as a as a 13 year old kid, I'm like, I will never do that.

I will never ever do that.

I will be in great enough shape to wrestle with my kids and my grandkids as long as they want to keep going.

And.

As a As a young teen, I was like, no, man, I'm not playing that game, 'cause I I'll say, 'cause I was so disappointed.

Dad shows up.

Why can't I wrestle with my own dad?

And that was a driver for me.

And I'm with you, brother.

I'm like, I'm going to be in peak condition my entire life so that I can wrestle with my kids, so that I can dance with my grandkids or great grandkids at their weddings.

Yeah, I'm in this for the long game and.

I need, yeah, same, same.

That's the thing.

That's not your journey, man.

Yeah, so the fitness side of it, I I really did take a switch.

Like I had done like challenges.

And I've been in like working out in the gym since like college.

I played soccer in high school and college and, you know, and then when I got through the gym, I got into fight training.

And so I fought for a while and yeah, yeah, love it.

And then and then I got into CrossFit after my wife was like, hey, I really don't want you to get punched in the face anymore.

And so it was one of those got to keep the money maker going, you know?

So when I got into CrossFit, I really started to get the energy and the body that I wanted.

And I mean, for some people, they're worried they're going to get hurt.

I just tell people, take it slow, be disciplined enough to learn the form and learn control.

That way you don't get hurt.

But that's when that's when I started really getting the body I wanted.

But what I realized was I wanted to, I started, I don't know what changed it, but I was like, I want to live to 150, but I don't want to be like this decrepit, like almost turning into dust, right.

And so I I started looking at health as the, like you said, the long game.

What does it look like for me to live a fully healthy life for as long as I'm here So that like you said, I can be on the floor with my grandkids and playing around.

I actually, I want to be the.

I mean my youngest is going to graduate when I'm 6161 used to feel like it was old and now I'm like, man, that's not fair old at all.

That's not far away.

So, yeah, so that's where the journey started in the sides of, like, how do I interact with my kids better?

And that discipline started me going, Well, they'll learn that from me, that if they come to the gym, they'll they'll learn this from me because it's just normal, You know, if if you grew up in the church, there's a part of you that it always feels like Sunday is a day for church and a day for rest.

Even if you don't go anymore, there's this feeling there because you that's what you learned when you were little.

And so I figured I will make normal working out a normal thing, you know, we just, that's what we do.

And so health and eating right and those kind of things are just part of our family, our family dynamic same.

Same in ours we wanted to.

Just dude, I love it being.

Yeah.

How this is a good one because I I wanted to make it obvious and I wanted to make it attractive.

I I think that's a key ingredient there is you have.

To make it attractive.

Because some dads are doing the right thing, but the way they do it, the kids are looking at them like I do not want to participate.

That does.

Not.

Look pleasant or attractive.

Or maybe there's something off like I don't really want to be like my dad because of whatever and say miss that.

So I knew I wanted to make it obvious, make it a family thing and make it fun.

And so even from when they're really little, I was just doing crazy hard stuff.

But I had to be smiling and laughing and joking around.

Be like this kills.

I love.

It I'm having a blast.

Yeah, we're looking at me like how.

But now the teens, oh bro, they they will dig into a deep, deep challenge with me and just eat.

It.

I love that.

Yeah, I love that.

That's massive.

Yeah.

It's that whole concept of in CrossFit, I've always called it the the Fellowship of the Suffering, right?

So we get into this class and we're like cussing and hating our lives.

And when it's over, we're like, man, that sucked.

I'll see you tomorrow.

You know that exactly.

You know.

And so I look at that for them as do hard things.

I'll say it all the time.

I'm like, we're feathers.

We do.

We do hard things until they're easy.

And then we find something else, you know, and so.

Dennings do hard things.

DDH.

Yeah, I love that.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's awesome.

And it makes them it like we were talking on the in that live where we were saying it.

It makes them just go oh this is what we do.

You know like this is just part of life we're teaching them.

When you get them as a baby they know nothing.

So you literally have this wonderful ability to show them the world that they're going to believe in.

And whatever you do that's the world they are going to see.

So we might as well be it's it's exactly yeah.

So when Absolutely.

So when I realized that and I can't say when that was it was it's it's been it's definitely been inside of the past six years at least where that really clicked in.

And then I was like that means that my own self-discipline has to take over because I have to be the guy that goes if I want them to read, they have to catch me reading.

You know they they say all the time oh I hate reading and then I'm sitting there reading.

It's just at some point they're going to go.

Dad reads all the time.

Yes.

It's what we do.

And I I liken it to exercise.

So I'll be like, yeah, but do you, do you want to have a body?

Like you want to be able to do the things that Dad does?

Yeah.

OK, Then you get in the gym with me.

But exercise for your mind.

That's reading.

So you're working out your mind?

Exactly.

Get in those books and do the mental workouts.

This is the.

Perfect.

Lead in then to what are your other core philosophies You, you and your wife live by Education, health and fitness.

Keep going.

Yeah.

So again, this is one that I, I tell parents is very difficult, but I'm all for questioning.

You know, ask, ask questions, don't believe, don't.

I don't mean don't believe anything, but I mean give yourself the ability to say, well, why is that?

And so I, my kids are allowed to question rules in our house, which I hate.

But at the same time, they should be allowed to, right?

And if.

Because I the core belief there is if you just take everything that you're told and just do what you're told always.

When they're adults, whoever's authority tells them what to do and they'll just do what they're told.

And honestly, living in the United States at this moment, I don't want that for my children.

I want them to question and I want them to say.

There's a lot of places around the world.

You're like, Nah, right?

Please question authority please.

Yeah, exactly.

And you know, so, so they're allowed to question those things.

They're allowed to like call me out.

So the other day, and this is this one, was I I kind of just came up with it.

Even though it's a part of what we do is I'm always like, hey, we help each other.

We work together.

But Finley is my 8 year old and he is a only a year and six days older than Wyatt, my 7 year old.

And he tends to tell Wyatt what to do all the time.

It's it's really frustrating because I'm like, dude, like get out of his ass, like stop, right.

So the other day he was doing something and Finn was all up on him and I'm like, hey, we are on the same team.

I'm like, so that's not how we treat each other like yours and mine and why that's we're all going the same direction to do the same team, same thing because we are a team.

And I then I gave Finn the permission.

I'm like you, you know, when Daddy's upset and I'm raising my voice or I'm, I'm trying not to do that, but I do it.

Or you feel like I'm.

I'm not being kind.

I'm like, that's your chance to say, dad, aren't we on the same team?

And I will hate it, but it will click in my mind.

Yeah, he's not trying to go against me.

Just like I'm not trying to go against him.

We're on the same team and that hopefully will continue to help them just do that.

So same team, definitely.

Love that.

I want to.

I want to kind of double tap into something you said a moment ago that if we allow them, even invite them to question us and to question everything and to push back a little bit, it's more work for us up front.

It's more frustration.

It requires more thought from us.

It requires more persuasion.

Instead of do it 'cause I say so do it because I'm the boss around here, which doesn't fly and you're like, OK, let's I got to walk you through this.

I got to think.

About it, I got to give you a good reason and and our role is if I can't give you a legitimate reason, then you don't have to do it right.

If I if.

I've talked through it enough to be like, no, this is a legit reason you don't have to do it.

So it's more work up front.

It's more burden, so to speak, on us, but then later on it plays out so well because they have learned how to think.

And how to?

See, themselves, they're autonomous.

So literally by the time they're reaching their teens, they're they're making good decisions on their own.

They're evaluating people in situations.

And you're like, kudos, son.

Way to go.

Daughter like, you handled that like a champ.

Yeah.

Worry about you being one of those those iconic, troubled teens.

Like you're owning this situation because I was willing to do hard work early on and.

Help.

Yeah, totally.

Yeah.

I have a friend who we were just talking about this, my best friend since I was five came down and visited this past weekend and we were talking about his 12 year old who is like, well, can we just do this?

Can we just do that?

And he's like, dude, I said no, no means no.

And I said to him, you know the hardest part about this is that I want my kids to do that.

Because no doesn't always mean no.

I've been in, I was in sales for years.

And no, is not always a no.

No is the first.

Step to a For sale, Let's.

Go Yeah, exactly.

So I said to him, I want them to know how to do that.

I am the I'm the like, I'm the sparring partner at that point.

So literally they they got to beat up on me and I got to be able to take it so that when they go into the real world and they're asking questions, they're not afraid to get a no, they're not afraid to keep digging and come at it at a different angle.

But man, like I really want to say dude, question everything.

No.

Doesn't always mean no unless it's dad, then I'm really serious and I but I can't do that.

I got to just take the hits, you know?

Yeah, you can't.

You're right.

It's it's such a great point.

You can't.

You can't pull that card because we often want to pull that card and then hey, I said I'm the dad, I'm the boss here.

Like, no, we want to pull it because we don't want to go through the work of the negotiation.

But we have to be the the other negotiator.

We have to be the sparring partner.

We have to put in the work so that they get all the development to become men and women of character.

Absolutely.

And sometimes I I may not have a good reason but I still have to stay in and say this can't be done.

So my oldest daughter is 17 and she has Instagram and she has TikTok I she is I Co parent with her mom.

I'm not a fan of that stuff.

So I mean I'm on Instagram but I'm an adult right?

So I don't like that.

But she's coming back saying I want Snapchat and dude I cannot.

I still to this day cannot say anything that like I can't tell you the reason other than it makes not.

I don't like the feeling like something about Snapchat feels sinister to me because everything can disappear and almost like you can hide what you're doing.

And I told her the only thing I can tell you is it's my job to say to to keep you safe and and all of the red flags are going off because of this and I'm the only one standing between her and Snapchat.

Her mom's already said she's cool with it.

If I'm cool with it like I'm the only one and she is like my friends are on there that's how they talk and I'm like, I don't care.

I'm sorry, like, and I brought up something at one point and I said, So what would happen if this happened?

Like somebody pretended to be Kate and and then she and it wasn't her, and then she invited you out and then then what?

And now the messages have disappeared and she's like, well, I would just text her to make sure it was her.

And I'm like, well then just text it, you know, like.

Exactly.

No.

And brother, I think I think your reason is a great reason that it just feels off.

It feels dangerous and and if we can learn to articulate that well enough, be persuasive and influential, if we've earned a lot of respect with our kids, then then you're absolutely right.

There's times where you say, I I don't know, intellectually, maybe I can't walk you through this, but man, it feels dangerous.

It feels wrong.

Yeah.

And you just trust me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And and being able to say just trust me, I, I mean guys who do this we have a lot more like we carry a lot more weight or we have a lot more money in the bank to set just so to speak to say listen I don't I can't articulate it well.

All I can say is I need you to trust me and because I've been the practice dummy and let you let you beat me up and ask me questions and and actually said times where I've said no and then I'm like yeah actually it's fine because I don't know why I'm saying no because I've done that work and taken those shots.

When I say please just trust me on this one, I have a lot more clout to say that, you know.

We have a huge the the relationship bank account is not overdrawn.

There's a lot of deposits in there, same thing.

I can go to any one of my kids and be like guys, I just need you to trust me on this one.

And because of that, because of all the deposits, because of all the work we've done in the trenches, everyone will be like, OK, dad, I got you, even if I don't.

Agree.

I got you on this one because you're you're spot on brother.

Yeah, that's massive.

You got to.

Make those deposits OK Keep going other other core philosophies behind your message and and your family.

Yeah.

So I I keep coming back to and I've I've, I've refined it more and more because I've gone to the side of and I don't call it gentle parenting because that sounds weak to me as a man.

And so I know a lot of guys that have been like, yeah, I can't do that because it feels weak.

However, conscious manhood, where I think through things and I work things out in my mind and I question and I allow things to marinate.

Doing that and being able to say, yeah, I don't think I believe that anymore because of this new information and being OK to switch views.

Being a conscious man allows me to be a gentler father so that I can connect with my kids, right.

So connection is the whole point.

And so along the way, as in in how I teach guys is I'm going, the whole point is I'm looking to the end.

What happens on my deathbed.

Right.

I don't want them to be like, oh, like get a call from one of their siblings who lives nearby and says, yeah, dad died.

And they're like, oh, OK well, I guess I'll come up for the funeral.

Or maybe I won't, you know?

And I don't know their kids and I don't want that.

But if I treat them poorly now, when I'm there, they won't want to be around me.

You know, I I, I have 20 years with them somewhat in the house, but I could have forty 60-70 years with them outside of the house and all of their kids.

I want them to go, hey, we're going to my we call my my grandfather, we call him Pat.

That's what I'm going to be called because he had such an influence on my life.

So it's like I want them to be like we're going to Pat's and all the kids are like, yeah, you know we're going to Pat's house.

I want that.

So I have to be the one.

I have to be the man who says I'm going to keep that connection.

And that means I have to bite my tongue and pay attention to what I say and treat them with the respect that they deserve as humans.

And so those are the core values in our houses.

You're a full-fledged human from the moment you're born.

You deserve all the respect that dad and mom do.

We don't speak to people that way.

It's not you don't talk to me that way.

I'm your dad.

It's hey, we, as in all of us, don't talk to other humans that way because the humans deserve and.

Even from parents, we don't talk to kids that way because because just because they're small, right?

It's a people are people, no matter how small.

And if we model that, then they're like, Oh yeah, well, it's the same for everybody, 'cause our parents don't talk down to us and don't treat us like crap, just 'cause we're little.

Yeah, I saw somebody say something to the fact it was like a meme or whatever, but it said something like treat your kids in such a way that when they're disrespected, they they recognize it.

And they're like, that's not right, that's not normal.

And you don't get to do that to me.

We don't like they will have that moment where they go.

We don't do that.

And that dissonance will make them either say I'm not, they'll either confront it or they'll say I'm not, I'm not hanging out with that person because they're completely disrespectful.

I don't want to be around that.

Exactly.

And.

They'll feel and sense it immediately.

Exactly.

Because it's so dissonant with the world that we've helped them create, you know, and so and.

How to help your daughters date the right guy?

Yes.

For real, Immediately this guy shows up and he's disrespectful.

It's like, hit the curb, bro.

Absolutely, yeah, He never.

Talks to my mom like.

That and he's never talking like that.

You're out of here.

Yeah, yeah, It's awesome when Because as a dad and I have four sons and two daughters.

So when you think of that ratio as a guy, you're like, my daughters are protected.

And I think that way.

And I even said, like, you know, and now I've gotten far enough into working out where I'm pretty fit.

So I've said to my oldest, yeah, you, anybody can, you can date anybody.

He just has to beat me in a workout 1st.

And she's like, dad, come on, nobody can do that.

And I'm like, yeah, I know, you know, one of those kind of things.

But but I want her to see certain I want.

She's watching me.

So certain aspects I have, she's going to, she's going to be like, that's the guy I'm going to date.

And the number one that I want is that he's respectful.

On the other side of that, you still have a crew of dudes behind you that are going to step up and be like, hey bro, you don't treat any of our family that way, and you're definitely going to treat our sister or daughter that way because we've got your back love.

That so this, this whole thing that you're kind of the the long game into kids and grandkids and all those years, I refer to that as like, family legacy, right?

Yeah, our marriage we're working on our our parenting and fatherhood.

But there's this piece in there that's legacy work.

It's, it's the long stuff.

The stuff that plays out in 10:20, 30-40 years.

Yeah, that's that core piece that's so important.

Yeah, I I have a curiosity.

So you're oldest too.

Do they live with their mom?

So Zeke is in college and he decided to like he's nearby, but so when he came back, he decided to stay with his mom.

And that is actually because he's like our house is too crazy and I got all the stuff for college to do.

That's at least what he said.

All the little kids man, because they would literally when he shows up everything shuts down.

They could be in full meltdown mode, the youngers.

And if he opens the door and he's like what's up his voice, they're like and everybody's sprinting to the door.

So they love hanging out with him.

And I can see where that would be the case.

I will say there has been because I I raised him as a tradition, as a traditional dad.

So a lot of my learning and unfortunately a lot of my learning happened on him.

And so there's a lot of stuff in my my life with him as a little that I regret that we walk through and talk through.

But it's still there and he still got to work through it now because it's his, even if I put it on and it's still and now it's something he's got to work through.

And so there is some of that, I think where it's a little easier.

At mom's we require stuff.

We'll be like, no, it's family dinner, dude.

And then that kind of thing.

If you're here, you're with us.

And so I think he a little bit of that.

And then his older, his younger sister, she goes back and forth.

Still she is.

She has a week with us and a week with her mom and that's hard on all of us.

It's.

That it'll be super hard and this was this was my curiosity and let's talk through this a little bit because there's there's a lot of guys going to have similar situations either they go away for work.

I know a lot of guys that travel for work a lot even guys we lived up in Alaska, there was guys working up on the the North Slope they're they go work for a full week and then they come home for a week and gone for a week.

So.

So with with your son kind of moving out and doing his own thing and your daughter switching back and forth, what have you found ways to stay really engaged, keep the relationship, keep making deposits even when there's either distance gaps or or any kind of gap or or separation?

Yeah, so you've got to take, and I think teenagers do this, right?

So your kids, when they're little, they're constantly all over you and you just want some space.

But your teenagers are going to give you space, and unfortunately it's going to be that.

I wish they didn't give me so much space.

So enjoy the little because they're all over.

Enjoy that because as they get older, they're going to start wanting to hang out with friends more.

They're going to be on their own some more.

I wasn't, so again, I wasn't as cognizant of this stuff.

So my oldest daughter and my oldest son went to actual like regular school.

And so she still does that because she didn't want to either home school or go to the other school to switch just being a junior in high school.

And so she has homework and other things that take her away from us.

We also, my parents didn't make me, which I always thought was weird.

And now that I'm older, I'm like, man, they should have done that.

So they both have jobs and they go to school, so there's a lot less time with them.

That being the case, it's.

Just right there.

School, homework, jobs, friends.

If they do any sports the amount of time leftover to be with parents is so small and and whenever I think about that like gosh we cannot how how dare we be looking at our phones in in the tiny amount of time we have together or hey great to see you and and I'm distracted I'm all over like the the the moments you you add that up you put it in a pie chart and you start calculating the the minutes you have with your teens.

When they're teens, oh.

Man, we got to be fully engaged when we have them.

Yeah, absolutely.

So true.

And here's where I will say that I like the phone and I like that they're on Instagram and stuff like that.

Is that.

A lot of the times it'll be I'll see stuff when I'm going through and I'm like, oh, that's for Zeke or And then we have conversations or same with Amelia.

I'll you know, I'll see something and I'll shoot it off to her.

What I really do is we keep ourselves open for conversation.

So great example last night.

I am dead tired.

I'm up at 4:00.

I've got a lot of stuff going on in the morning.

I was doing some, like, soul work yesterday, so I was completely exhausted by the end of the day.

And she's having this conversation that is important.

And I am.

I'm like, OK, hold my eyes open, please, God.

But but yeah, like we can do.

And they start talking at 11:00 or 12:00 and you're like.

Dude.

Exactly.

They finally start talking at, yeah, 11:00 at night.

So now it's 1:00 in the morning.

We're still going through, but I don't stop that.

My wife even said something to me last night.

She's like, are you frustrated?

I was like no, I said it's hard but I'm not mad at all.

I she needs to have those conversations and we need to be available for them.

This is just when they happen.

So I'm just getting less sleep and that's going to be OK.

I'll just you know I'll recover at some point.

So any chance that our talking I I like what do I need to throw out and how do I like how do I pay full attention to this.

I'm not always great at it, but I will say the moment I recognize that this is a deeper conversation, I start trying to uncover more and just keep them talking to get down to the root.

My wife is Uber good at that.

She has an intuition that she's like, that's not the thing.

This is the thing.

And I'm going to make you tell me that and she'll just, I don't even know how she does.

She'll do it to me.

And I'm like, oh, she caught me, you know that.

She's so good at it that I I love that we have those conversations together with them because she is so intuitive on that.

And she'll just keep them talking into it until we get to that deep part where even last night my daughter's like, well, I'm going to cry and we're like, well, cry like, that's OK Just do it.

Get it out.

Yeah.

I I would say hands down, one of the best ways to connect with our teens is to do what you just said.

Just clear the space, the time, the the mental, emotional, spiritual, whatever.

Clear it all and give them the chance to talk.

Yeah, and.

If you open up, they'll talk.

They'll go.

Yeah, yeah.

And you got to.

That's exactly right.

You got to.

She was actually having like a existential crisis, not last night, but a couple weeks ago.

And that's normal, right?

I mean, teenage girls are going to have multiple existential crisis.

But this one again, I grew up in a pastor's house.

Like church is a part of life.

Like, we believe in God.

And she said she said something to the effect of like, well why do we even have to believe in God And instead of having a freak out session about why you're supposed to do that and throwing all the reasons I believe that she should and all the logic and all that I just said don't.

And letting her sit in that she just started to rewind like I was like well then don't believe in him.

Like I'm not here to make you do that.

But it's so part of her that she also goes, wait, I don't think I want to not do that.

And now she's talking and I'm just letting her go.

I felt like a dad win in that moment because I know that back in the day there would have been all sorts of if I I never would have said that I I never would have had those conversations with my parents.

There was a lot of it was more so like fear based like I just like want to keep my parents away from me.

But with that I gave her the ability to start working through it on her own.

I'm not telling her anything, you know, and and and then.

The the fear of a of a dad like.

But if I say don't, if I leave that door open as a possibility, they might go there.

But there's so much power, especially if you've set the example and and you're living, you've earned the respect.

You're living a great life and you say, well, just just walk through it, Walk through it mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

Just just roll with it and see if it aligns with the kind of person you want to be.

Yeah, absolutely.

And giving them the space to be that person, the teenage thing.

I know you have older kids, so you're in a great spot to help help guys out too.

Because.

And that's all honestly for me, I I spend a lot of time talking about the Littles because I'm like, this is where you build all the stuff you're going to deal with later.

So build it well so you don't have to repair it, you know, that kind of thing.

But with older kids, that's the stuff is.

I've done everything I can to build them when they're little so that they're confident and and and they're willing to ask what all of those things.

So when they're older and they're questioning stuff you just sit there and yeah and you're having a conversation with someone who can actually have a conversation.

You know what I mean?

And and and letting them work through that.

Oh, that's big.

Just catch that right there.

Let them have a conversation with somebody who can actually have a conversation.

Yeah.

And I I don't know if I've ever really articulated that, but like non negotiable skill set there for dads, be capable of having meaningful conversations with your kids at any age and stage and then something that has to be developed and worked on in practice.

Absolutely, absolutely.

Oh, I love.

It Hey, let's let's shift gears a little bit here.

How?

Do you?

How do you manage work time productivity?

6 kids being there for your wife?

Being there for your kids, being there for the conversations.

We talked a little bit about this on the Instagram live.

We did, but but talk, walk, walk us through your your schedule, your week, like what's working for you, what's not working for you.

In order to hit all the roles 'cause, we have to be providers and protectors and we have to be there.

Yeah, yeah.

I think that there's a lot of guilt in dads for not being there.

And I've actually heard TD Jakes, I think it is.

Who says for men, we and fathers specifically, we say if I give you time, I can't give, I can't make money.

That allows me to give you the life that I want to give you.

But if I go make money, I have to go do that away.

And so I can't give you time.

And it's funny because I really, I really, I don't resonate with that at all.

It's very dissonant to me because I sit there and go.

There has to be a way that I can be with my family and still take care of them.

And I will say that I I am transitioning this.

The dads don't babysit thing for me, from my standpoint, it just all of a sudden just took off.

You know, my wife's like, no, you you were doing things and it and it hit and people resonated and that's what built it.

But for me, it just felt like I was doing all this stuff and then all of a sudden something hit and it caught traction and then we skyrocketed like a hockey stick.

And so I really didn't feel prepared for it.

And so I had like a nine to five and when I got to, I owned a business.

I owned a business that is like, it's not brick and mortar, but it is.

I'm out and about.

I I do Christmas lights of all things.

It's crazy.

But so it's seasonal.

And so it's one of those things where we were we've been worried about how do we do money and I do life in season.

So we all know that when Christmas hits that month or two beforehand, I'm not around very much.

But when I am home, nothing else happens.

I mean, a lot of people would say that if you watch me, pretty normal.

When October hit, a lot of my posting tapered down.

And that's because the only time I could do it was is if I'm on a roof or if I if it's at night with my family and I won't, I don't want to do that.

And so, so I guess I would say I look at it at two ways.

One, sleep is sleep for me is important, but I it's going to suffer first.

I would rather take the hits of suffering.

Then my family suffer missing out on things.

And so I'll work deeper into the night or I'll get up early.

I call it being a man of the dark, right?

That's when I do work on me and that's when I do work on things to like produce the family.

And then specifically with my light business, it's a season.

So we all know season hits.

Dad misses out on a lot.

I hate it.

But at the same time when when it's done, I'm just engaged.

Yeah, it's yeah, like when we finish the last house before Christmas and I I'd like the rest of December.

I don't do anything, you know, I I don't, I don't try anything because I want to be there.

So that's.

Such an important discipline that I think it's easy to miss out on.

We we get going.

We get grinding we get working hard quote for a season and then we just keep going and and we have to be disciplined enough to say just stop and be like no, OK now I'm now I'm switching gears I'm going to fully engaged over here.

Yeah, yeah.

Cultivate that skill and that ability to switch gears.

Yeah, yeah, I mean, I've heard it said.

I've heard it said, you know, money, you can always get back the time you can't.

And it's true.

I mean my my youngest is 6 weeks old and it feels like I just, I just held him for the first time.

It's crazy how fast it goes.

My oldest is about to be 20.

Dude, that blows my mind.

I know you you feel the same way.

And so it's like I it's not like I can all this.

I can always make more money.

I can come.

I can start a whole new job at 60 if I want, but I can't go back in time into the first seven years of life of my children and imprint all the things that I want them to know about me and about life and about the world and about themselves so that it builds them from there.

I can't go back to Zeke's never going to be 15 again.

He's never going to start driving a car again.

He already learned that I can't take, I can't go back.

So I'd rather, if you go with that mindset, be willing to give up the thing that that can come back, not the thing that will not come back.

Yes, which is such a hard decision.

This is so cool because we had the same experience when our kids were little.

Rachel and I sat down multiple times and we're like, we could really dig deep right now and focus on the business.

Yeah, I'm like, but the kids will suffer.

And and we thought, well, you know, it's not, it's just for a time, but we just for us, we just kept coming back.

No.

If.

Anything's going to suffer if it's if it's suffering between business and and family business suffers.

The business will just have to grow slower rather.

That that's literally where we're at.

Than than the kids.

And so we invested in the kids and there were, there were times when we were had financial struggles or challenges, right.

We didn't have the money we wanted and it was always worth it, even in the frustrating moment.

You we were just like man, we could have solved this problem, but like we would still choose the same thing again.

Absolutely.

It was legitimately Family 1st and it matters where you and I both know so many people who put the finances first and the family suffers and then later on even all the finances can't bring back the family stuff that was neglected or or hurt.

Yeah, I mean, my yeah, I I, I look at my own life, right?

My, my, my dad.

Like, I had a great childhood.

I had a great team.

Like, nothing wrong with it.

But what I can say is when I look back at life, there are there's like, I remember a week that my dad and I went on a camping trip.

I remember actually being in the band when I was like in 6th grade and my mom was the only one there.

And then I remember one time playing like shooting some hoops with dad on at the basketball court right outside our house.

And then he came to a soccer the first game of this season of my senior year and I scored and he had to look up from a book because he was trying to study for what he was going to preach on.

Like he missed out on so much even though he was around.

And that's pre cell phone.

So you have all these dads that can do things now, work from home and all that, but we're so crammed into this stuff that we miss out.

And I don't look back in anger at that at all.

I just look back and go.

I don't want to do that.

I want to.

I want my kids to look back and go.

Dad was always around.

What did Dad do?

What was his job?

Because we don't even know.

You know, like, I just like that's kind of how I want to be.

Like how did he do what?

You know?

But he was always there.

That's literally, I want them to look back on their whole life and just go.

Dad was always there and he was, he was playing with us.

He was watching, he was watching movies with us.

He made us popcorn.

He cooked like, like all the things I do, I want them to look back.

And Dad?

Dad was always doing stuff.

How did he do that?

You know, that's what I want.

And and mine, mine was same conclusion, different experience.

My dad was never there and the step dads were never there.

You know, when I was, I was out of my own at 16.

I'm like, Nah, man, I'm always going to be there.

Just.

Like.

Always going to be there.

We are going to stack memories like crazy.

My kids live back on their childhood.

Same thing, man.

Dad was always there.

We were always doing the most epic things like and and you and I have similar.

You can think back with just a couple of really significant memories with our dads.

I want my kids to be like, dude, that's all.

It's all with my dad.

Yeah dude, you you said that on the live and I seriously, at the end of it, I know we got cut off, but at the end of that I was like, I'm stealing that from you because I didn't do that much and I'm, I'm like, OK, how can I do what you said?

I'm stacking memories.

That is.

That's baller status, fatherhood, right there.

That's all I want is to just stack memories where they cannot, they can't escape all the stuff they did with dad, you know?

Well, my dad and I did this.

My dad and I did this.

Holy cow.

What?

When did dad work?

You know, that kind of thing.

And and I think it's important to to point out because it was it was a total mindset shift for me to realize it's possible to be a phenomenal family man and a great businessman.

It's totally possible to maintain great fitness great family and great finances.

It's just it's just optimization.

That's kind of my my thing is like it's whole life or holistic optimization.

Just optimize the things you need to do and you can do all those things like you don't have to be broke in order to have a great family, right.

And and or there's no way I can be fit.

So I got to just settle for the dad bod because I want to be with my kids and I want to work.

Like you don't have to do that.

There's there's ways to pull this off and you know it's such an important reminder.

You just have to figure out what works for you, right?

For each guy.

I love that, honestly.

You are so inspiring to me.

I know in the two conversations you've had, I'm like, dude, I got to like, hang out with this guy.

I'm coming to Portugal.

Like, that's how I feel about it.

But like you're so right when guys, specifically on the fitness side of things, because I think discipline breeds discipline.

So if you pick the one that you're actually going to see a lot of the results and that possibly a lot of results early, I would say work on your body, work on your fitness.

And the number one thing people say is, well, I just don't have time and I'm like I get up at 4:00 AM when do you wake up?

You know, and it's not because I'm trying to say that I'm better than you.

I'm just saying that's the decision is I'm not willing to sacrifice fitness for whatever else, and I don't want to give the excuse.

I don't have time.

Feels like an excuse.

And that being said, I know that there are nuances to that, so let's talk.

But for the most part, if you're sleeping in until you absolutely have to get up for your job and you're sprinting out of the house, you're probably picking up coffee on the way or grabbing a muffin you've already started behind the 8 ball.

Like, just just shift, go, get up at 5:00, go work out.

Now you're home.

You can make coffee instead of buying it, and probably eat something a little healthier, you know.

And and I know just from our conversation here I I know you understand this next principle about intensity.

There's there.

I don't know.

I like.

I like to see things visually, like there's a knob or a lever for.

Intensity.

And and all you have to do is grab that sucker and just crank it.

And just just from what you've said about your fitness and and well, I know from martial arts and from CrossFit, there's a level of intensity in there that's it's off the charts.

It's not like, hey, yeah, we go to the gym consistently.

It's you know, we go get a workout, see my buddies.

It's like, no, we go in there and we put on the pain.

Something happens in the heart and the head and the soul that that changes a man, but it also gives us an advantage.

So there's days where I'm so busy and I'm like, dude, there's no way I have an hour to work out.

I have 10 minutes.

Most guys and most people just like, go it's all or nothing.

If I if I can't work out, then I'm not going to work out.

I'm like, no.

No, man.

Ten I can make you puke, and I can put you in the fetal position, crying for mercy.

In 10 minutes it.

Doesn't take that long.

So if you've got 10 minutes, here's the thing I like to do because I did it one day.

I was like, I don't have any time and I'm like no sucker.

I grabbed a £50 kettlebell, I put on my favorite workout song and I tried to just do the swings for the this one song.

Dude, I couldn't do it.

I couldn't do it.

I was laying down like that killed me and the song was like 3 1/2 minutes.

Yeah, yeah.

Like I feel great, Ran down, grabbed a shower, I'm off and I'm like that was less than 3 minutes and I was bent.

So.

Like we got to stop making the excuses and and turn up the intensity and part of it.

I'm with you.

I'm, I'm an early guy and so as soon as I have kids, you're like, look man, you got to get up earlier.

Well, wasn't it?

That's right.

When Arnold Schwarzenegger said, you know, you get your six hours of sleep and he goes, and I know everybody says you need 8, but just sleep faster.

And I'm like, OK, if if the guy could do all those things and he's like I he worked on six hours of sleep and we're talking, that guy worked out hard, then there's not much I'm doing in my life at the moment that I can't get six hours of sleep and go from there, you know, and.

What's interesting about that, I'll just chime in on from from.

My own experience.

I found the better shape I'm in and the better I'm eating. 6 is enough.

Yeah, when I struggle with six is I realized, man, I've let my cardio slip a little bit.

Like, eating hasn't been fantastic, but if I'm eating really well and I'm in great shape, six hours seems to be enough.

Yeah, absolutely.

Much on.

Like dude, that Saturday I was spent, I slept the whole 8 hours.

All day.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know I find that I actually yeah, I actually feel worse if I go over that number.

At times I'm like, man, I feel like I feel sore and not right.

It's it's almost like my body's like you don't need more than six get up, I.

Love it.

OK, gosh, this is so good.

We can go on and on about all kinds of stuff.

But what?

What stands out to you?

Like just a core message that men need to hear.

Wonder what?

Like, maybe I don't know what it is.

Is it something that you see that men are struggling with or something that just actually really, really works?

What if you had a platform to to speak to men?

What would you say?

Like what?

What comes out like hey this this is a non negotiable.

This one matters so much.

Yeah.

I.

It's I feel like it's it's once that's hard but I want to say do it on purpose right that's that would be the statement I would make do everything on purpose Look at your life and decide what you want.

I'm I I'm constantly telling Zeke this my oldest I'm like what do you want do that right.

Don't like he's he's going back and forth on I need to work and make money but I want to do music and I'm sitting here going you live in an age where you can make money doing music online like you can write music you can write one verse of a song and put it online and if people like it they it will trend and then you can write the rest of the song put it out there you know it's that kind of stuff where do your life on purpose what serves you but do it on purpose everything.

And I think that that that's where I I honestly think that's where men are failing ourselves we've been told that we we don't have we don't have a purpose really like the women's and and this is not a bash against it but the women's empowerment movement is awesome.

I want my daughters empowered but we don't have to do that to the detriment of men or boys to say that they have no value right.

Because they have value.

They serve a purpose.

And and what is that?

What is that purpose?

You should be doing hard things because your body responds to that.

It it makes your mind resilient and that makes you a better human to continue to do things like whatever it is that you want to do in the future.

And so that's what I'm saying.

Like a core life purpose, but do everything on purpose.

I get exactly.

On purpose, not like.

On purpose.

Wander around the kitchen and look for like get up on purpose.

When I sit down at my desk, I'm sitting on purpose when you and I.

When we go to the gym, we go to the gym on purpose when.

I'm sitting with my.

Wife I'm on purpose.

When I'm with my kids, I'm.

I'm with them on purpose.

And.

You're you're so spot on For every little thing we're doing, if we do it purposefully, it eliminates so much wasted energy and effort and time and disconnect.

Where I'm like, yeah, I I spent time with my kids.

But all that meant was you were in the same room and they were on their phones.

You were on your they were distracted.

Like, no, that wasn't time.

So if you do it on purpose, everything on purpose, yeah, then then you get the power behind.

It absolutely.

And then you can also choose what you're not going to do, right?

You're like that doesn't serve a purpose.

So like I don't have anything here, why am I doing this?

And you can clean that out.

And now you're opening up more time to do the more things that are important on purpose.

Let's let's talk about that just for a second.

Yeah, it's it's often the things we don't do that make the biggest difference.

What are some of those things in your journey where you're like, not done, that is?

The end of my life, yeah.

I would say number this.

This is one that takes a lot of time.

It it it required time from me, but it's one I'm not willing to let go of and it's cooking food in our house.

You know I I said it earlier but it's like you know you I, I so I basically said I'm done with we do eat out but I'm done with that being how we live.

Right.

Because there's so much stuff that I can't see that's getting put in the foods and that affects my body and my food becomes me and my food the food becomes my kids.

So what am I putting in them right.

So a lot of parents, we we get up late and then we're running and so we're throwing bars and whatever kind of weird treats and muffins at our kids on the drive there.

There, we pick them up and we're taking them to soccer practice or whatever else after school.

So they're eating in the back.

So I'm eating, I'm eating food, seeing my kids in the rearview mirror.

That's not how I want to eat.

That's not how I want to be.

And so that stuff is good is for us.

It's just we don't, we don't do that and we cook at home and that takes forever.

There's cooking, there's eating, and there's cleanup.

And I'm like, the cleanup is the worst, but I but we chose to not have a life of fast food and microwave food, and we chose to not have that life.

And so it requires from us.

It requires the cooking and the cleanup.

And so it took it gives it.

It didn't give me more time to give that up.

It took more time.

But in the long run, I'm sitting at a table with my children eating a cooked meal that we made and and we don't do phones, we don't do, there's nothing on the table but food mate.

We do like a family game that usually the kids that want to do it where it's called guessing 10, but you're like guessing what animal they are.

And so we're interacting that way.

We ask like, what's their favorite part of the day, what's the worst part of the day?

But we're interacting there, And because we chose to cook food and make it healthy and make it something, we get so much more out of it.

Yeah, so good.

More work, but a much higher standard.

Absolutely.

Eliminate the the kind of the fast food family life.

Yeah, and I mean, there's a lot of people you can speak to this, too.

A lot of people put their kids in all sorts of sports and stuff.

We don't do a lot of that.

But that's because I notice when you have, when you have six kids, not everybody's interested in soccer, right?

So now we've got, you know, you're going to have dance, you're going to have soccer, you're going to have baseball, you have softball, there's basketball, there's so many things you can do.

There's piano, there's singing lessons.

So now every night of the week is taking over and I'm I'm just, all I'm doing is like Sherpa.

I'm the Sherpa for my kids.

That's taking them around everywhere.

I'm just driving them.

And I don't.

I don't want to do that.

You know, don't.

Yeah, do not do the endless taxi driving.

Yeah, it's.

Day 2 over scheduled same.

We're the same on that too.

That's great.

Anything else come to mind?

The don't do.

Those are both absolutely solid and.

That's not a hit on people who want to do that stuff, I don't think but but but but your point.

Is like if, if, if it's going to get done, It has to be done effectively where it's not a draw on the family and it's easy to walk through these things, think about them, just really just be objective about it and and take the things like what are Is this truly adding value to my life and to my family?

And we have to.

We absolutely have to get better at saying no to things.

Yeah, yeah, 'cause, well, when you say yes to one thing, you're saying no to everything else, right?

So if you get really good at choosing what you're saying, yes to, the no's come without even having to try.

But a lot of times we just say yes to everything, and then we're crazy trying not to say no to anything.

You're so right.

So right.

This is awesome, brother.

It's a great conversation, man.

Tell the listeners where where they can connect with you.

Yeah, so I'm on Instagram at dads, Don't babysit, It's dads. under score, don't under score babysit.

I tell people all the time.

I check the hidden messages and all of that just to make sure I don't miss anything from anybody reaching out.

I'm here to help, so questions or anything I can do there.

There is AI have a community of guys that can connect with me deeper there.

All they got to do is DM me on Instagram to catch that.

I'll send them the link for that.

But they can connect with us there and go deeper in that fatherhood journey.

And then Nate at Dads don't babysit.tv is my e-mail.

If they if they want to go old school and e-mail me, that's.

Awesome.

Fantastic, Nate.

Thanks, brother.

You're an.

Inspiration.

Thanks.

For what you're doing, and thanks for being an example of fatherhood.

Thank you so much for having me.

None.