#38 How to Overcome Anger, Resentment, Grudges, Bitterness, and Drop Your Temper

Gentlemen welcome to the Be The Man Podcast

I'm your host.

Greg Denning.

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Okay, fellas.

Let's jump in.

So I had a great question.

Come in, I have shared my story about overcoming anger and how I had a crazy temperature that story another podcast and other videos.

And somebody reached out to me and said, hey look, I've listened to your story, it's inspiring.

I've heard the videos watched, you know, I heard the podcast, watch the videos, but how how did you actually do it?

Like and I know it's coming.

It's from a sincere place as since York.

Question of, like, I want to ditch it because I know it's not serving me.

I want to stop getting so getting angry so easily and stop getting so angry.

So often, how do I actually do it?

And so I wanted to share today, my journey and my experience I kind of grew up in a broken home, right?

And so things were tough.

We were poor living on on welfare.

My dad took off when I was really young stepdads came and went.

And so, there was, there was a lot of conflict are a lot of frustration.

Just just the natural element of stepdads coming and going and the fighting that would happen before each divorce.

And, and there was some conflict in the house, right?

We fought as siblings even to the point of physical violence sometimes.

And then, you know, my mom bless her bless her.

She had six kids, and we were Rowdy, and rough and crazy.

And she would often This in exasperation use kitchen utensils, across our backsides to get us to comply.

But anyways, I grew up, I grew up with the Templar, a tempura, crazy temper.

And it was interesting is I got told so many times that.

You know, you have that redheaded temper, redheads, have a temporary of the redhead temper.

I don't know why, that's the thing I've heard of other redheads confirm.

They hear it too as though.

Hair colors has anything to do with temperament is beyond me, but I believed, I didn't know any different.

I believed in them like it's because I, because I'm ready.

And I get so angry and so I was never, I knew was never taught never instructed how to master my emotions, how to control my emotions, how to direct my emotions.

I didn't even know that was a thing.

And so the temper kept growing and I end up fighting a lot starting in elementary school but mostly, you know, I had, I had a sense of right and wrong and goodness.

I end up fighting the bullies.

I just have always had this this frustration against the Injustice of Bullying.

Right?

And I still like that, I don't like any kind of Injustice.

And so I would fight the bullies and I started fighting quite a bit and fought through middle school and into high school.

And then, you know, as things got worse and worse for me, personally, as well, more just more frustrating, more irritation, you know.

Believing home is 16, then I would get really angry and I was, I was angry at my parents.

I was angry at, you know, anyone who did me wrong or did anyone wrong.

Like, you know, like, in my book, I'm writing them to tell the Story of when I got jumped, I think I was 11 at the time in these high school kids, I was 11 or 12 and these kids were Juniors and seniors in high school and they found us.

We had snuck out at my friend's house when you just walk around, not doing anything, we're just walking around and they found us.

They wanted my hat and somebody sucker-punched me from the side.

I fell down.

I mean I can't even imagine this this blows my mind.

Still these kids are Juniors and seniors.

They find 11 or 12 year old boy sucker punch him so they surrounded me there's five or six Them.

They surround me sucker punch you for the sighs.

I don't see it coming of fall down and then they all just kick me and kick me and kick me.

Kick me till I stop moving.

And then when they finally stopped by, they were waiting, and I look up and they gave me one.

Last this kid backed up and is like a full-on, soccer kick or a field goal kick, right in my face, just bam.

And that, I just can't wrap my head around that, that the guys would do that.

Even even high school, kids would six of them would just kick a small child, it's just beyond me.

But anyways, that built with frustration irritation, and I was just frustrated life.

And then when I moved out, I was broke and living in a bad area.

And so, I was lonely and I was insecure and I was shy and I was frustrated and irritated and bitter and man had the grudge's in the And it just kept building and any time life was hard and it was hard, there was often they have enough to eat and have a place to stay.

I felt lonely or scared, or discouraged or whatever, whatever it was, right, whatever the frustration of the pain was, man.

I just let it, I bottled it up and let it let it grow.

And so, I had a crazy temper and I got angry a lot, and I got really angry a lot.

And so one point in the journey and that, so this is where I want to, that's kind of story in the background and then I I just I just dropped it one day.

I just dropped them.

Like, I'm done.

I'm going to tell you what was the Catalyst and how I did it, but I was I'm done and I think ultimately it comes down to the fact that I realized like it, it's ugly.

Getting angry is ugly.

Now, of course there is a time to get angry.

They're like there's there is a time and a place where it is appropriate and right to be angry.

And to have that I don't know, maybe even call it righteous.

Indignation, there's things to be angry about one of them that still gets me.

So angry and so fired up his human trafficking and slight sex slavery.

And any form of abuse will, man gets me angry and rightly so but not not the point where it disables me.

Or incapacitates me or negatively affects me?

But just Where It actually drives me where it's effective where it's valuable.

And so, even even early on, I started recognizing, like, anger and your does it serve me and it doesn't serve you gentlemen, getting angry, having a temper, you know, screaming and yelling.

Like when has that ever actually served you and the people around you.

Now, sometimes, it may get results.

And we get confused because we think, oh, wow, I get a reaction.

If I yell, I get all upset.

Well, my wife or kids.

Were people around me, they'll respond, right?

And so this is what you're thinking, you have this conversation thinking.

Well this it works.

Are you going to subconscious?

You think well, it works right?

It's effective because I got a reaction but that's not effective.

We can't confuse it.

We can't confuse action and reaction to Effectiveness.

Not the same thing.

So we have got to be more deliberate about unclear about like, hey does this actually serve me?

Does it serve the situation?

Does it serve the people around me and if it doesn't, you got to just leave it behind.

So, as that started to, again, I'm growing as a teenager, I'm growing in my Consciousness in my awareness.

I'm realizing how this it's unattractive and I started noticing, I guess in other people, it's easier to see in other people in yourself.

Somebody get really mad you know like man that I made that whole situation really awkward right?

And and then you realize this this where you have Realizing like oh man, it must be really awkward when I get angry, but of course each individual feels Justified irrational as well.

Of course, I was angry, they made me angry and we're going to come back to that, right?

But it's ugly, it's unprofessional.

It's unrefined.

And honestly gentleman, it is below the stature of a real man.

And we'll Circle back to what that means to have those kind of Standards, but it's below you.

And so when I realized that and it took a while.

So I wish I had had, you know a mentor.

I wish I'd had a dad or somebody a coach saying.

Hey man.

That's really, that's really ugly.

That's really unrefined.

It's really honestly, let's just be frank here.

It's pathetic, it's pathetic.

When you get all angry and have these big ugly outbursts or whatever, even or even if some of you Explode in some of you implode either way, it's ugly and it's small.

And at some point I realized, man, only small men, get smart bothered by small things.

Let that sink in fellas.

Only small men get bothered by small things.

I did not want to be a small man and so I wanted to just ditch it to let it go to stop because it didn't, it didn't make me feel good.

It didn't make the situation, any better fact.

It almost always made me feel worse and made the situation worse.

So, if it doesn't serve you, if it doesn't bring value, if it makes you feel worse and it makes the situation worse, even though you might get a reaction, right?

So you use anger.

In fact, let's explore that for a minute.

Because if you use anger that way it's Here, a really messed-up form of manipulation, whether it's in your family, or at work, or in society, and the community wherever where you're trying to get something done and you use anger, you throw a little temper tantrum.

You look like a baby?

You like an imbecile and then if you use it for manipulation, you just like a jerk.

And some of you like it may be conscious or unconscious, you're using it as some form of manipulation and so that just has to stop fellas.

It's just, it's just way below the refinement and the greatness.

And I think the reason I kind of started to notice is because I would get glimpses from afar to have anybody real Role Models, had a couple come along here and then I was like, man, those guys are awesome and they control themselves, they had what I could.

Now call emotional Mastery, right?

They were in control of themselves and they were in control their emotions.

And then I'd read great books and things would happen in the books.

And as I'm reading it, I'm getting angry, right?

I'm sitting there like, oh no?

Yeah, right right, he's still is Rage Rising.

It's not even happening to me.

I'm sitting here reading how it happened to somebody else.

And then I was so shocked and inspired by their reaction.

How they reacted with calmness how they chose to be deliberate and in charge of their Motions.

In that moment that was inspiring.

Now we at first you might be like, well, they're so lucky, they can do that, right?

Yeah, that's amazing.

Need that.

I can't do that but I'm glad they can.

And that's just bogus, that's really just bogus self-talk making an excuse for yourself and so I stopped allowing the excuses.

I stopped allowing the justification, the rationalization and finally came to spot.

Like, you know, if if they can do it, then I can do it.

That is game-changing psychology right there.

If they can do it, then I can do it if it and maybe here's another way to think about it.

If it can be done, then you can do it too.

And I was reading these examples of how it was being done.

And then, of course, across the years, I've found those examples again, and again, and again, and through my own experience, you coaching others are my family's experiences and then meeting amazing men and Who do this and then reading more and more books and read these examples of how people handle themselves and keep control of their emotions.

So ultimately I realized it is a choice.

And I want you to just capture that deeply in your heart and your mind and your soul.

It is a choice gentlemen.

You choose how you feel.

Now most of us think we don't, we don't cognitively work through that process or no one ever taught us that.

So we just we assume because somebody does something in it quote makes us feel angry or makes us bother makes frustrated, right?

And we think that we don't pause the think through it.

So we now Actually come to the conclusion on the subconsciously a bit again we're operating from Childish conclusions thinking well no he made me mad or she made me frustrated the reality is no one can make you feel anything you get to choose.

And I'm sincere about that and you can test that you can prove it.

So, if you take 100 people and they all experienced the exact same thing, will they all?

So they have a, a physical experience, right?

There's a catalyst, there's a stimulus.

Will they all react emotionally?

The exact same way.

And the answer, of course, is no, no way, then that proves that it's not forced upon us.

You don't have to be angry, you don't have to feel frustrated.

Some is Noble Souls.

They actually feel compassion for the people causing the problem and I came across stories like that and it just just blew me away.

And one of my favorite ones that came early on.

Fortunately, was Betsy.

Ten.

Boom.

Right from the book.

The Hiding Place, she had nothing but compassion for the Nazi guards.

She felt sorry for them.

She was in a concentration camp and she died in a concentration camp and she felt sorry for them.

Another great example came out.

Many years later was a story from the book of Joy, the Dalai Lama had escaped out of Tibet, you know, as a young man with his life in the river, just hiding from the Chinese guards and the police and military, and he'd gone to visit a friend of his and they laughed.

And then everyone in that Monastery got captured and I think it was about 300 of them and they got taken to Chinese torture camps up in Siberia for 19 years and his friend survived.

There's there's very few that survived he survived and came to visit him in India and Old and he says, yeah, I was in danger every day and it's like, well yeah, of course, you're in danger, every day was a torture.

Can they're torturing and killing and he's like, no, I was in danger of losing my compassion for the Chinese guards.

That was, that was his danger.

That was his risk.

That's the spiritual mental, emotional sphere that he was operating in.

He was in danger of losing his compassion for his guards for his torturers.

That's that's a whole another plane of Awesomeness.

And again if it can be done then you can do it too.

So we don't have to be upset, you don't even have to get bothered.

In fact, you don't even have to be affected if you don't want to.

And and to that point, I'm not suggesting that you become numb.

I'm not suggesting you pick one, emotion, and either pretend it right.

You put on the facade or the pretense or wear the mask.

I'm not talking about that at all.

I'm talking about you.

I would feel you should have a full whole range of emotions like a full piano, right and all the keys, I don't use playing one key or pretending to play one key.

I want you to feel at all when it's appropriate but too many of us are just angry or frustrated or bothered upset all the time.

We're holding on the grudge's from years and years ago, things that have like, why are you still bothered by that today right now, why are you in the slightest bit bothered?

By something that happened five, 10, 15, 20 50, Years ago.

It's not serving you well and even if there is a point where it might serve you, right, where you, you remember a mistake, you made or a failure, something that happened.

If it serves you not not that it makes you bitter, not that it makes you hard.

Not that it's robbing you of your present and your future.

But it's serving as a reminder, A Life Lesson the nature of better man.

Okay, let us serve you, but don't let it monopolize.

Don't let it come in and wreak havoc in your life and you can't cure your soul.

Or affect your, you know, overwhelm your mind or even affect your body.

There's been plenty of research out there that when you get angry at suppresses, your immune system anywhere, from 40 minutes to 2 hours after getting angry.

So, physiologically your body responds to it, negatively.

It's just, this is not good, man.

There's there's times to be angry again.

I'm going to repeat here, time to be angry for the right reason.

But for the most part, Most of us don't have much to be getting angry about.

We're getting angry about our Mickey Mouse problems, right?

And and when you have big, big big perspective, You realize, yeah, most of our problems are making Mouse problems.

Some of us are facing some pretty big problems, but most of our problems even though they seem big mostly, they seem big because we are being small or are our problems seem hard just because we are soft, but if we were stronger and bigger and better than our problems would be speed bumps, right?

Instead of these these mountains and anger will distort, your Your Paradigm and you view and so it makes it seem so much bigger, so much more significant you get caught up in the drama and you think it's such a huge deal and then you just like not doesn't matter man.

So if you won't remember it or fact, not even if you remember it but if it won't matter in five years from now, if what you're upset about today won't matter why are you getting upset about a man?

It's a waste of life.

Life is just too good to Precious too short for you to be getting all upset.

So sir, going back to this, that nobody can make you feel.

Anything that you ultimately, in the ideal situation, you are the master, the absolute master of emotions, and you choose to feel what you feel.

So you're conscious.

You're aware your intentional, your deliberate Viktor Frankl wrote and in his stories, absolutely phenomenal.

As well as being in concentration camps and and finding the meaning there and walk you through the psychology and the response.

Same with unbroken is also a In Japan, the Japanese torture camps his stories.

Phenomenal.

I mean, there's so many great, great stories and stories of forgiveness and letting go and there's great books on that point.

There's actually a lot of great books.

I would say, there's a book called letting go, there's a book called The untethered Soul, which I love is fantastic, right?

And sometimes I'm going to share his his example right there.

He says, we use the bitterness or garage or pain or frustration or anger, whatever as like a thorn and the Thorns poke.

King in it hurts, instead of pulling it out because that's going to hurt to, to get rid of it, we keep it and we protect it and it becomes our special little Thorn and so we Pat it and then we start responding to it, right?

We keep people away from that side and, you know, yeah, we really love doing this thing or this activity, but man, it hurts my thorn and so then you start avoiding it and you start acting like, you know, I'm not do anymore.

I'm going to choose this and you pretend as though you're choosing something else but really it's just a reaction because you don't want to hurt your little Born and so you start avoiding conversation, you start avoiding people.

You start avoiding places, you your your living, half a life, Soul Man and like I can't think of his name right now.

The author of Moby Dick Herman, Melville wrote that, you know, there's what could be worse than all the horrors of a half lived life.

And when we're angry and bitter all the time, when we're upset, we're holding onto those grudges.

It's a half life man.

And so you're living.

It is a mere shell of what you could be in.

You're not going anywhere near your potential and so, Little Thorn there, whatever it is.

It's it's make.

It makes you irritable angry.

So if you actually had a thorn in and you couldn't get it out, maybe you've had a sliver like that or backache Irani, acre your foot hurt or you had a headache or something, man is affects what you eat and when you eat it, affects what you, what you conversations.

Can you imagine trying to have a conversation and just, you just in your in so much pain.

I know you've been there.

You've experienced this somehow where you can't even talk.

You can't even focus.

You could even like, You can read a book or or engage with your kids because you're just in so much pain and the same thing is happening on a mental emotional, spiritual, even physiological level when you're angry or bitter, all the time that bitterness and I came across this quote, somebody gave me this quote years ago to this was a blessing in my life.

Bitterness is a poison you swallow.

Hoping your enemy will die.

It's worth repeating.

Bitterness is a poison you swallow.

Hoping your enemy will die.

It's you.

It's on you man.

In fact, in that instance, forgiveness is more for you than it is for the other person because you be like, they don't deserve forgiveness, they don't do it.

It's not for them, it's for you.

So you don't poison yourself or you can actually let the poison out of your system.

So it's affecting you.

It's affecting how well you can engagement and now you get used to it, right?

Just with pain.

Maybe you maybe have had some off when your body with your arm, or your shoulder your back, your neck, or something's been off for a while you get used to it.

Adapt.

So maybe you got a little bit of a limp.

You can't use that arm like you used to or whatever and so used to run a lot but your knee hurts.

So now you don't run anymore do you love running and you adapt and you do something else.

But instead of fixing the problem we just are coping, right?

We have these coping mechanisms and we slip into survival mode.

Some of you because of your emotional bitterness, or anger or whatever it is, whatever is in there emotionally.

And I hope I hope you're seeing through this, right?

It's not just anger, maybe your You're not really angry person, but whatever the emotion is, maybe you get really discouraged easily maybe get really scared easily or predominantly like what's your predominant in motion.

What do you feel most of the time?

Or what's chronically plaguing you?

What negative emotion.

Even if it's just blessed.

If it's just just neutral and nothing you're just kind of pulseless.

Whatever it is like if it's chronic and is there and it's not really serving you.

It's not the kind of person and kind of man, you want to be Then you use all these strategies here to break free from those things, right to get loose.

So that your predominant, major emotion is one that you choose and we'll Circle back to that as one of the strategies.

That's why, you know like and it maybe you haven't noticed but you have these coping mechanisms for so long that you're just living half a life and you're being half the man.

Your just a fraction of who you could be and who your wife needs to be and who your kids need you to be and the people in your circle of influence and people that are not in your circle.

So much right now because you've been holding yourself back.

In all honesty, you've been playing small.

All at an emotional level.

That's holding you back in every other way.

There's ideas, you either haven't had or haven't acted on because of this.

There's opportunities you've missed or not taken advantage of because of this.

There is a lot of Life gentleman that you have missed because you have chosen.

To live with, and maintain these negative emotions.

Now, for some of you honestly, maybe you never knew this before.

Maybe this is new to you, or you've heard of you, just didn't quite know how.

And so maybe it's not your fault, you just like I said, I didn't even know this was possible.

I definitely didn't know how to do it.

And so today, let today be the Catalyst for change where it lets today be the Line in the Sand where the day you're listening.

This is Alliance and used to have a cross.

You don't live by that anymore.

So now all that circling back to this quote by Viktor Frankl, he said everything can be taken from a man.

But one thing the last of the human freedoms to choose one's attitude, in any given set of circumstances to choose One's Own Way, close quote.

That's it.

That's the thing that cannot be taken from you.

You have the power to choose your attitude, your mindset, your emotion, in any given set of circumstances to choose your own way.

And understanding that we have that power changes, everything.

And I want you to I'm going to spend some minute here thinking through this and even even pause, the this podcast.

If you need to really explore this, I want you to ask yourself.

Like what happens if you don't improve this?

What If you don't change what happens, if you don't get rid of this temper, what happens if you don't stop exploding in angry, Outburst or imploding and angry?

What do you call those in bursts?

What happens play that on your mind.

Go out, six months a year, three years, five years, ten years twenty, five years play that out, what happens to you?

become a bitter old, lonely rotten miserable wretched being I missed your marriage.

I guarantee you, your wife does not respect you when you do this and that's the thing you want.

Most isn't it?

You want the respect men value respect?

We want to be respected, and I promised people don't respect this.

Because it's not respectable, right?

If we want our specs, we have to do respectable things and these angry outbursts.

They're not respectable at all.

I don't care where you're at or what you did, how much, how many millions or billions of dollars you've made, or your titles, or positions are all that.

Whatever.

This is, this is below you and it's below your potential.

It's below your personal greatness.

So what happens play this out, played out with your kids and you can see it around, you can see the examples all over places it like this is, we don't know what's going to happen.

You've seen it.

You've seen what happens to marriages.

You've seen what happens to kids, and the relationship you have with your kids.

If you're angry outbursts all time and I see it all.

I see it with current friends and clients and people, I know.

And I hear about it as I'm coaching when you know from adults who.

Yeah.

Well, you know happened when they were kids and it's still dramatic and still bothersome, and they still have such a rough relationship with one of their parents or somebody else who just have these angry Outburst was bitter and angry and resentful or whatever, whatever emotion it is, right?

It's their play that out.

How's that make you feel?

Even go all the way to the end.

Your life and look back.

If you just keep up this This anger management problem if the harboring this bitterness or The Grudge or or even if you just being frustrated and bothered all the time, some of you are just chronically bothered, you're just frustrated, you're irritable man, and you're just so stinking unpleasant to be around because of it.

You know, I'm talking about.

I'm being frank here, Brothers.

I'm being straight with you because we need to drop this crap.

But play it on your mind and feel it.

What happens if you do not improve?

This See it here like Ebenezer.

Scrooge did in the Christmas, carol play that out.

Feel the pain.

It really feel like maybe write it down.

If you can Journal about it, write about it, think about it, talk to people about it.

Like, get this resolution, in fact on that point like this, this one thing would be worth paying so much for to get coaching.

To overcome this.

If you came to me for one-on-one coaching specifically for this to overcome anger, it would be worth it, man.

Any price you have to pay would be worth it for this.

Any sacrifice, you have to make anything you need to do to change.

This would be infinitely worth it.

So play that out on the negative side.

Now now flip the switch after you do that, do it thoroughly.

Feel it.

What?

Now what happens if you do change and play that out, go out, six months a year, three years, five years, 25 years, 50 years.

What happens?

If you do change, what happens if you do, drop the anger, and the bitterness, and the frustration and resentment, that grudges the hatred, the loathing, the enmity, what happens, if you drop all that and you become Who you really are, right?

These kind of negative emotions.

They're just keeping you from being who you really are and being your best self.

All right, this isn't you.

This is a fraction of you.

It's a part of keeping you from your whole self from your best self.

So played out in your mind, what, what happens to you in your, your inner life, your peace and happiness and contentment and joy where you can, you literally can go in and examine your whole self inside and out and be comfortable in your own skin.

Proud of who you are, and who you're becoming and settled in.

Okay, I know because I've talked to you, This it torments your mind and your heart and your soul.

When you act like that, it's an is poisoning and then you feel the remorse and the resentment.

So then you get angry, you explode, you know, you shouldn't, you know, you don't, you don't want to, but you do it and then not only does it hurt you and embarrass you, it hurts the people around you, and that feels terrible, right?

That feels even way worse because now you just hurt the people around.

You is precious especially dadgummit gentlemen.

The people you love the most, the people you care about the most in life, the most important You have in life and you're hurting them, you're injuring them.

You're damaging them.

You're breaking them sometimes.

Because you won't keep your crap together and control yourself.

That gentlemen is a tragedy.

So what happens if you do change, how do you feel about yourself now and in the future and on your deathbed?

What happened to your marriage when you stop doing that crap, man, I'll tell you what, I find tell you something to happen, the connection, the intimacy, the romance, the Friendship, the spark, the love.

The great sex.

If you're just an angry unpleasant, bitter frustrated, dude.

You're not getting near the Some sex, you could because, actually, that deep deep sexual connection, it's an emotional thing, it's far more when, when you're doing it right, when you're doing it, well, it's far more emotional than it is physical.

But if your emotions are blocked or consumed by these negative emotions, it's almost like it - motions will create a monopoly or they'll take part of your emotional capacity, and they keep it a lock it down, they put it in prison.

So you're your own emotional prisoner and your capacity to love your.

Acity to feel is limited.

And so you're not you're not having near the experience, you could with your marriage and your relationships and then carry that on what you know with your kids the connection with your kids and influence with your kids, the relationship with your kids, the friendship with your kids there then instead of ending abruptly and being rough and bitter for years, it's actually phenomenal.

Your kids want to spend more time with you.

I keep hearing from so many people like, you know, you got to get a really lean into kids when they're little, because then they won't want to spend time with you.

I'm like, yeah, only if you suck, if you fail to be a great, father, your grandfather, your kids will want to have a great relationship with you their whole lives and it's amazing.

And when we're loving it, we are.

We have a phenomenal relationship with our kids and Rachel.

I have a world-class marriage after 22 years of marriage at the time of this recording.

And in our kids are becoming adults and still want to reach out and have a relationship and friendship.

Still want adventures with us.

Still have this.

We still have massive amounts of influence with them.

Because we're not dealing with this crap, right?

So play that out and like, what influence, could you have it work and in society, in the community in the world?

What impact could you have?

How would all your relationships with your patients, or your clients, or your customers, be better, your neighbors, your friends, and your people in your church, the people that work for you or the people you work with or work for and this could change everything.

So it has to have a gentleman.

All right, so one of the things, let's hit a couple things, I'll share a few things that have worked for me.

Read those great books, work on it every day, make it a daily ritual.

To remind yourself in the morning and report back in the evening.

How you did, if you're really serious about this and I invite you to get very serious about it.

In fact, I challenge you.

If this is struggle for you, I'm going to give you a direct challenge here.

I challenge you to take this.

So seriously I can make it your absolute priority.

This has to happen.

Make it non negotiable and you get up in the morning.

You Down a commitment and you can rewrite it every single morning.

It actually with tactile movement, like, literally get a notebook, just rewrite it, your commitment, your goal, and then, check in with yourself mid day.

And in the evening set alarms on your phone set, alerts ask the people around you to hold you accountable, setup.

Heavy, heavy consequences.

If you blow up, if you act like an idiot, you're just even unpleasant to be around because of it, if you follow your old pattern, there has to be heavy hard consequences and the bigger you make the consequences, more, like you are, the change may be the consequence.

It's way more painful than the paint itself and the embarrassment all that garbage.

So set of consequences set up alerts and reminders, hold yourself accountable.

Get others to hold you accountable, get coaching.

If you need it reach out to me, like, get the people around you to help you change.

And then check in with yourself, be absolutely accountable and responsible take full ownership for all your actions and all your emotions.

The absolutely 100% responsible for your emotions.

Be responsible for the energy, you bring the energy, you create energy, we produce be responsible for the emotions.

You feel and emotions you radiate out because that's the one thing you can never ever stop is radiating.

Every human being, radiates, every man, radiates and like it or not aware of it or not, you can't avoid it.

You can't change it.

We radiate, so be responsible for what you're radiating.

Be responsible for what you're feeling.

And and who you are on the inside, reflects on the outside and then the things you do the operations, you have on the outside seep to the inside, right?

So if you have these patterns and action, things you do on the outside, it'll seep in now, you can, you can gain Mastery over that.

And so, it becomes more like water off, a duck, right, where you can keep keep the - at Bay keep those things outside.

And so you got to be really deliberate about your environment about your actions about things you're doing and you got Facilitators.

Right?

And work on the inside, it's an inside job, so it starts on the inside out.

So anything that's on the inside, any garbage in there, has to come out and it's not going to be comfortable, getting it out, it's going to feel nasty and there's going to be a lot of emotions come up, but let them come up and then let them go release them, get them out of your life, you're struggling certain things right about and write them down.

And then burn the paper.

I'm a clients.

Do this, write it down.

Burn the paper, tear it up, spit on it.

Step on it.

Crush it, throw it away.

Do whatever you got to do, flush down the toilet.

Like, you do your thing.

NG get it up, get it out and let it go.

Most guys, bring it up.

They start feeling shove it back down there in the trying to avoid it right there.

Brush out of the carpet or hiding in the closet and they're just keeping hold of it.

And so they got rats, rotting Pew putrid rats, rotting in there, the seller of their souls that stuff's got to get out.

So get it out.

Bring it up process.

It get it out of your life.

Then deliberately fill your mind.

Fill your soul, fill your body, fill your life.

With good things so much, so that there's literally no room for other crap.

If you will be proactive in feeling good things and thinking, good things and doing good things, it just doesn't leave room anymore for the negativity.

And if there's toxic relationships or circumstances in your life, people figure out a way to avoid them, get away from them, not be around him anymore, not give them time or space or energy or you know, any any real estate inside of your head or your heart, right?

You got to be delivered about that and at we're to a place we've been like that for years and years and years.

We got.

So deliberate about this so long ago or like, now where there's life is way too good to have all kinds of crap in your head, or in your heart, or in your life.

So Just push it out, be be intense about it.

Be really deliberate about it, be committed to doing it, right?

If you're going to achieve greatness, you got to be super committed to these things.

So it's like you can't be wishy-washy you can't be here and there just live life on your terms learn to say.

No, right.

If it's not an absolute.

Yes then it's an absolute.

No.

And beat just live by that man and be Unapologetic about it.

Get it out of your life at.

Don't let it back in.

We we've got to be more Fierce more in charge more committed about keeping borders and boundaries for our minds, our hearts, our bodies in our lives, set up a guard.

And mentally.

It actually literally to, I mean, you set up a guard for what kind of music you listen to, what kind of movies?

What kind of track I input determines output right on any kind of relationships and emotions like no, that's not, that's not allowed around here and kind of crap, it's gone and set up guards, set up cards for your mind, and your heart, and your body, and your life, your house.

And be the intense about it, man.

Don't just, don't do a lot of crap anymore.

Some of you like your, your environment, your input, your experiences, your relationships, always have some - all the time and it's overgrown.

It's like a nasty poison of we, that is completely over grown The Garden of Your Existence.

Another strategy is to wake up each morning and choose a very specific emotion for the day, choose the emotion.

You want to feel like circling back to that idea of like, what's your major predominant emotion?

What do you feeling most the time and then contrast that with what you want to feel?

So get up in the morning.

I'll have we have our clients.

Do this?

We have a challenge, right?

We have a 28, a Tracker and on the tracker you want to things.

You do is you choose your motion for the day.

Day and it can be the same emotion, most days or you can say, you know, depending on what the day is, you get up in the morning, like what's, what am I facing today?

What's on the calendar?

What's on the schedule?

Would I want to feel?

You can be peace, it can be Tranquility, it can be excitement, it can be love.

It can be energy.

It can be like, calmness Stillness, like whatever you just get up and choose your emotion and the one that serves you best, and don't don't default to be like, well, this is my personality this time that's bogus Factor.

Finish reading a great book called personality isn't permanent.

I recommend it's phenomenal book and he just gives examples after example, in science, a science research on there.

It's like no, it's your personality shaped by all the things we were just talking about by your environment but what you're doing but who you're around by the thoughts and feelings, you have like that's what shaping your personality.

We often think it's a personally shaping, our thoughts and actions and reactions is not.

Its those thoughts and actions and reactions that are shaping our personality.

So bogus, I'm calling, bogans Us on all of.

It was just the way in its way of always been.

Well, you were trained that way everything, you do everything, you are straining, its conditioning, you've been conditioned to be that way.

So change change right now.

If you've been kind of a grumpy monotone lame, man.

Change choose choose your emotion.

Choose the emotion that would bring you the most joy and serve you, and the people around you, the most especially people around you.

Think about them.

Think about what it's like to be married to you man.

Think I don't like to be your kid, to be your employee, to be your employer to be at church with, you are on a team with you or an organization with you be thoughtful about that and really sensitive to it.

Like what's it?

Like and then change it.

So now what do I want to be?

What's what's the best personality, what's the best emotion?

What do I want to radiate out to others and then choose that.

And redirect your energy, redirect your emotion redirect, all your passion towards good things towards really meaningful targets.

And then the most of all gentlemen, it's about raising a standard as one of the things I talked about a lot in the be the man Master Class.

It's all.

I'm and in coaching it's all about, raising your own personal standards.

And what I mean by that, in, this instance is like, you have the standard.

You like, you don't allow pathetic behavior from yourself.

It's absolutely unacceptable.

Non-negotiable, period, you don't allow yourself to act like an imbecile.

I'd like to have some crazy temper or lau lau, somebody who's probably hurting already suffering something whose Thoughtless and careless to just totally wreck your day or your week or your, your your decade or your life.

Don't give them that power over you.

It's your life man.

It's your day.

It's your body.

It's your mind is your emotions.

It's your heart.

You be in control.

What's going on in there?

Don't have that power over other people so you're going along through life, just hang up.

To any random stranger.

Whoever to hear?

What?

Here here are.

Stranger random, stranger.

Why don't you determine how I feel today and they could care less about you and your life.

And that's why they treat other people that way and often because they don't respect themselves either, they could care less about themselves or their life or maybe they didn't you some really hard things so they just do whatever, raise your standard gentleman.

Refuse.

To operate those low levels, right?

And and those negative energy, those negative emotions have low energy.

They have low frequencies so change that, raise that standard and say, no, I'm not going to allow that anymore.

I'm going to raise my standard for how I live and who I live with and around and how I do everything.

And when you do that, then it will totally transform the way you feel and that your feelings, your heart there motionless, a power plant for life and it's affecting your mind and your body.

And like, I love the tea.

At everything, affects everything.

So get clear about this and start making it happen.

Love you guys.

Thanks for listening.

Thanks for being here.

Thanks for being a good man, and wanting to be the best version of yourself, the best husbands and fathers and leaders.

And businessmen, you can be, if you like this podcast, go ahead, leave a review, up to 5 stars for me, take a screenshot share it, share with friends and family and colleagues.

And remember, subscribe.

If you haven't subscribe to podcast yet, going to subscribe and let's let's do this together.

And if you're if you're a spy Now, if you're ready, if you're ready for coaching, I mean, I have full coaching schedule, but often when then reach out and like, hey, I really their deliberate.

Their intention other committed, I squeeze them in to help them, reach the goals, and become their best self.

But also, man, you're you're invited.

To join the be a man master class and tribe.

Get in with this accountability and Brotherhood and you jump in there and tell them what you're working on, what you want to do.

And, and again, this the support in there and then the trainings inside the master class, right?

It's just, it's Priceless stuff, man.

Sharing all the lessons.

I've been, I've been setting this kind of stuff for raesha, SLI for over 25 years and I'm sharing the best stuff that I've learned in, still learning and still training and get that in there.

But love you guys, thanks for being here.

For caring.

Make make it matter gentlemen.

Make it matter.

Grab grab that knob that virtual knob of importance and raise raise the importance make this matter.

Don't don't go on any farther.

Draw a line in the sand.

Do not go on any farther from this moment and make it matter.

You get to choose you get to choose on that kind of like a volume knob of how much it matters and grab this one and make it matter and you can drop it off.

I did I dropped it?

This was years ago, if we could go back in time, you would find out huge pile of emotional mental, baggage that I just left back there and I just dropped it.

It really was, it was one day, I just dropped it.

I dread this discourse really explaining this idea that, you know, we are not victims to our emotions, we get to choose, and then we can choose today to never be coming here again to not act like that.

I was like, man, if that's possible, I'm doing it.

I'm done because I don't want to live like that.

And so I dropped it and did it all and it totally transformed my life and it's Been a gigantic blessing for me and everything.

Literally everything I get to do is because of this.

In fact I'm uh, I'm heading out tomorrow.

It's going.

Another humanitarian trip in Central America.

We're heading in 100's after the flooding.

And the ability to go in and serve and love and work with others and not get all worked up, and flustered and angry, and bitter.

And, like, I have so many opportunities to serve, and love, and give back an impact and all the work I get to do.

Every, every element of my life is infinitely better because I chose to drop all of that and if it can be done, you can do it.

And if I can do it, you certainly can do it.

So let's make today. the beginning of the new and improved you