#31 - 3 Column Method -- the BEST way to get clear about where you're going and where you currently stand

Gentleman, welcome to the Be The Man podcast.

I'm your host Greg Denning.

I want to thank you for being here for being men who care for being involved for listening, man, there's so many other things you doing, but you're choosing to listen, if you're out working out, you're driving.

I mean, you could be listening to music or whatever, and certainly there's times for that.

But man, if we can turn our time, use our time, well, to turn it into A university of sorts where we're learning and growing and progressing, and really leaning into our true masculinity and be the best husbands and fathers and businessman, and leaders, we can be so honor and kudos to you for listening.

I also wanted to throw out.

A reminder, some of you may not know my wife and I also co-host the extraordinary Family Life podcast and there's a great one in there were, we're we're getting both perspectives, her perspective, my perspective on all kinds of Topics, every conceivable aspect of being a man and well but in family, right?

So she's hitting it from the woman's side and I know a lot of wives, maybe your life's wives would listen that podcast.

But we hit parenting, we hit, you know, marriage sex, life style, travel business working together, everything from personality to sleep, to food the whole shebang.

So it's on there.

So this is something you can can check out.

Out and listen to it.

So I want to dive in today to something came up during a coaching session with a friend and client ended up.

Being a really, really cool insight.

And I wanted to share, I alluded to it in the last episode that I did.

Just buy myself because we talk about the Venn diagram, right?

And getting the pieces, each of the critical elements and pieces of of each role but now we want to build out a framework and I'm calling this the three columns strategy or the three columns exercise, essentially what's going on is You are are getting a framework because you have to be able to see it, right?

That there's so much power in seeing with your with your mind's eye.

Not literally seeing it, but hopefully you'll write this down and I want you to do a writing exercise on this.

Maybe maybe you can do it in a place where you can do it while you're listening or at least afterwards and you could do it with your spouse, you do with your family, you could do with your team's fact.

I would highly recommend this exercise with your kids, with your wife, with your teams.

That you're leading whether its sales teams or the people who work for you or the people in your organization or that you manage or lead or in your church or whatever.

And basically, you're going to take anything and you're going to break it into three columns because you want to get a clear picture, a crystal clear, picture of what it looks like in each aspect.

And so, when we just Dive Right into a, right, the what you're going to see here and this is the idea I got my buddy and and coaching client was out.

Running and he just kind of saw this in his in his head and he shared it with me in our coaching session and it just worked out perfectly on the far left hand.

Side of the column is failure.

In the far.

Right, hand side is greatness or Excellence, whichever word you want there and then in the middle, of course, is just mediocrity.

And so the framework, the way this works out is you're going to, you're going to take something, you're going to look at each element and you could do this.

Infinitely, right.

There's there's potentially no end to this which is really really cool and you can do it again and again and again and you can break it down in exact aspects inside of each role.

And so I'll just, I mean what I'm going to share today is not exhaustive at all, but it's just throwing out some ideas and hopefully this will spark things for you immediately.

We're like oh yeah, and like you get a see it right?

You to see it with your mind's eye?

Die.

And then seeing it gives you so much power.

It's like the great.

I hope you've read the book, A Christmas, Carol by Charles Dickens or seen the movies.

And there's so many variations of movies or even Musical, and that's exactly what happened.

That night was Scrooge, is he was able to see past present future.

He was able to see what was a failure.

What's mediocre?

And what was great?

And so as you go through this practice, You start to see what happens, what it looks like.

So we just take some examples when you take any example.

Like what's?

Let's take listening and listening is so important.

Indispensably important on the failure.

Well, well, okay, with with marriage, right?

You've got to listen your wives gentlemen, we have to listen more, we have to be better listeners with our wives.

They need to feel heard and be heard legitimately, but same with our kids and say when people that work for us or the teams were leading, or that's what leadership is really listening.

So what is what is failure look like in listening Well, it's being distracted.

I wish we were together because then you get you guys would give so many great ideas, but it's distraction, it's looking on your phone.

It's, you know, poor posture.

It's leaning back slash like showing with your body language.

Your rut really not into it, right?

And that you've seen this.

I've seen it to be like somebody's talking.

And in The Listener, the supposed listeners like lounging bag rolling their eyes.

I literally heard a story of a gentleman, he The pillow over his head while his wife is talking to him.

Dad that in my mind is a failure and listening, but it's being distracted.

As being disengaged, is being painted.

Something I was scrolling on your phone looking away thinking of even even where you might physically be showing that you're listening, but you might mentally be thinking about something else.

That's I guess that's mediocrity right there.

Failure is just like you're out.

You're just connecting.

You're not hearing it your or you're misinterpreting it.

I'll failures also like jumping.

In and trying to correct, you're trying to be defensive or trying to make the speaker, you know?

Well no, this is what I think and this is not about on you and you're wrong in this like you know, turning into a fight that's a failure.

Mediocrity is like going through the motions of it but maybe thinking about something else or sitting in a thinking while you're quote, listening, you're thinking of your next response, right?

You're thinking what you're going to say, how you're going to prove them wrong, how you're thinking about how to be right?

You're worried about who's right in Of what's, right, right.

So the mediocrity pieces like you're going through the motions you're there.

But it's really not that great and again you can just keep going and going going with this yet.

And you're already probably having so many great ideas of what it looks like and this is just one example but Excellence what is Excellence.

Look like man, you are fully fully engaged, you've cleared your mind in your heart and made space for this conversation, you're not thinking about other things.

You're not even thinking about your responses, you're thinking about, you're so focused and dialed in your only thinking about this person. and how much you care for them and they are a human being Just like you and they have thoughts and feelings and they want to be understood and you are fully focused on understanding them, right?

Like, what's his name?

Seven habits of highly effective people can't think of his name right now, but he talked about seek to understand, then to be understood.

Oh, Stephen Covey.

Now, I thought of it.

So You're seeking to understand, you're fully engaged your body, everything about your body, your facial expressions or gestures you're leaning in your, you have, they have your complete attention, all the way through mind, body and spirit, I have your attention and you might even hear and say can I repeat that back to make sure I understood that and you say it back in your own words to to confirm that you really are understanding and you're just engaged with that person.

That Is listening, and when it's appropriate, you respond and engage in the conversation and sometimes there's no response, sometimes really good listening.

It's like the person just needs to be heard and that's it.

I would also add here then in excellence.

In listening you're not letting it overly affect you.

Sometimes we listen and people need to vent.

They just need to get things out or you need to be heard or maybe they're giving us feedback or criticism and you hear it by in excellence.

You hear it immediately.

Hear it but you don't really do anything about it.

You're like aha, whatever you might feel defensive or might feel like a victim, you might be throwing a little pity party inside, but with Excellence you hear it but you're also not being oversensitive.

Like, if you're if your wife's upset about something you're getting, you know, you're going to hear it, you're going to sense it.

You're going to be empathetic, but you're not going to be hypersensitive about it.

And like, all in feeling like overly hurt.

Like, if you did something wrong and they're, you know, she's telling you you need to be hurt, you need to feel that that's excellence in listening.

But you don't need to be oversensitive and take everything personally and overreact that's that's not good listening.

It seems like you know I'm gonna feel every bit of this and all you think you give you become a drama queen or drama King in this case but it's not that either.

So let me again that's just one example, listening.

So I won't invite you to go through, go through this whole thing.

Let's take, right?

Because the triple Trifecta is the best system for a holistic approach to being A great man and so you can go through each of that and look at it in the three column strategy.

And so you take mind right in your mind.

What's what's failure?

Mentally, what's mediocrity mentally?

What's Excellence for greatness mentally He wants those pieces.

So a fixed mindset, like a super fixed mindset of like this, just the way I am, I can't do anything about it.

That's failure.

Mediocrity is just kind of going along doing a little bit.

Doing the bare minimum of a backing out.

When things, get challenging a hard, that's mediocrity and and greatness.

Of course, like, you're digging in your, you have a growth mindset, you're changing all the time.

You're evaluating it, you're having new thoughts, you're having your experiences, your, you're actually reading things that are challenging.

They're just over your current level.

Also you're expanding and growing and you're trying to learn languages, you're trying to read read great books across all genres and you're fully engaged with your mind, right?

And then there's so much there, again, we could go into multiple aspects.

You can take, you can break that down and say just learning.

You can take it even further and say, learning a language.

What is failure?

Look like, what does mediocrity look like, was Excellence.

Look like, but then you could take mindset, just mindset and do failure, mediocrity greatness.

And so there's so many aspects in the mind, but then you do it for mind body and spirit, right?

So, A body.

What is failure?

Let's failure in the body.

Well, you're just super unhealthy man, and so you're in pain.

You're miserable your limited.

You can't even show up as a man, because your body is just in a poor condition. you're missing out on opportunities, to not only live, but to also, to serve So I'm volunteering with this incredible organization and they make you go through a insanely rigorous training before you can even volunteer with them because they know you have to have physical and mental capabilities and capacities to be stretched.

And it have this endurance to even be able to show up.

And so you've got to have it there and so it's a failure.

If you're not and mediocrities like God just do the bare minimum.

I got enough I'm it's okay.

I can I get along I get things done.

If I have to it's all right and so you have you have mediocre energy levels, mediocre Vitality mediocre, it's okay, you know things are things are all right, and the next Once We Know It Excellence looks like it looks like massive amounts of energy and vitality and vigor and strength and stamina.

And so you can go through.

What is a do this with a workout?

Let's failure.

What's mediocrity?

What's Excellence?

Do it with meals and your overall diet while you're eating, what's failure?

What's mediocrity?

What's greatness?

Isn't this cool in this?

Such a fantastic framework.

And so you go through every aspect of your body.

And you could even do each part of your body, my legs, my gut, my dental health, my brain like physical physiological part of Brain brain health and arms hands.

My skin hair.

That you could do this with every part of the body and then Spirit go through a spirit, what is, what is his connection to God and connection with your values and inner peace and take inner peace.

But as failure look like in your piece and again, the more clarity, the more specificity, we have the more powerful the strategy and if we know exactly like oh yeah, that's that I'm failing spiritually.

If this is, what's happening And then what's mediocrity and kind of going through the motions, I think that's going to be the common theme mediocrity.

It's like doing what everybody else is doing kind of going with the masses.

So in the be the master class, I always talk about that.

Like you can follow the masses or you can follow the Masters and there's a huge difference.

And following the masses is just another way of saying being average or being mediocre being, okay?

So what everybody else is doing right?

Which is usually just the bare minimum to get the grade or to not get fired or to get by ordered.

You know, just be okay.

And that's mediocrity.

But man, there's the you're gonna hear that themes when you go through the motions and you're doing it and you can do it, right?

Spiritually?

You can go through the motions, you do things, you can pray, you can read and go to church.

You have all the right answers, do all the right things and and Roll Along and still not have what you yourself.

And and this is what's cool about this exercise.

It's you man, it's not what somebody else defines.

Although that could be super helpful if you're reading and studying and you have coaches and mentors or Reading from the greatest thinkers of all times.

Like they're telling you what Excellence looks like and so we can glean a lot from them, a lot of wisdom, but this is for you.

It's not for me, it's not for anybody else for you.

It's like what does Excellence look like for you in a spiritual basis and identified and the more of a clear picture?

We have gentlemen, the easier.

This is in the more powerful it is because none of us can hit a Target that we don't have and especially when we can't see.

Even if it's blurry, then you're just kind of you've ever tried taking a shot in like a dusk or even driving driving.

There's this this time of driving where it's not night yet, it's just even with your lights on it.

Just man, it's not very clear but if you're, you know, you're out doing target, practice, whatever and sunsets, and then it starts getting dark and it just starts getting fuzzy and you just can't quite focus in on that Target and this, we're talking about.

That's why we do this exercise.

And so you go through, let's keep going through the triple Trifecta.

Now your marriage and there's lots and lots of powerful aspects of marriage, what's failure and do a section and do an intimacy, and those are separate and emotional connection and support.

And polarity.

Right, we need that polarity and how what does that look like in failure and mediocrity greatness?

And you know again listening or if we started out with dating What is failure look like with dating?

Well it's it's missing going out every once while make it out, maybe once a month and you go out because man your to a Breaking Point like things are about to get bad.

So you oh let's go on a date that's bogus right?

And all good, just going same old, same old.

Let's do it again.

Check the boxes.

Yeah, we went on our dates, that's mediocre.

And then you can Define what greatness looks like when dating your wife.

So go through every aspect and do this gentleman do this, don't just listen to this and move along me like I was interesting really do this.

Open up your Journal.

Hopefully have a nice Journal.

I have lots of beautiful leather journals and why but I take notes on my phone as well.

I right, I have thousands and thousands of pages of my own personal notes in my Google Docs but I also write my journal, so sit down drop the columns and go through it.

Say what does it look like each aspect of your marriage and especially especially do this?

If there's one area of your life, where you have Some struggles are challenges do this exercise and it's amazing.

Like some of its going to hurt because you can write that down, we like dang, I'm totally failing or yeah.

I'm I'm being really mediocre in this right now, had an awesome call yesterday from gentleman, he's reached out.

Said, hey look, you know, things have been going great, I had a great career, great family, things are great, but just last six months, it's everything's been lackluster soon.

Got into a slump.

Come to, you know, I feel stuck.

Same thing, just had another text message.

No gentleman.

Super successful investor and business men.

And he's he'd been on his a game for years.

He's like, I just am in a slump.

I'm in a rut I need a break out of this, right?

And this is where this exercise is so powerful.

And so then we end up you know of helping those guys with coaching or the joining the be them and mash class and tribe.

So we have a support group that community that Brotherhood to to keep it alive to get into a great spot and stay there, but it's always moving from failure to Beyond mediocrity, transcending media.

Equity and getting into that space of excellence and greatness.

So do it with your marriage to it with your parenting, go with each child and do it with each aspect of each child.

How interested are you?

How engaged?

Are you?

Help present?

Are you?

What does failure look like with presence?

What does mediocrity look like with presence?

Sounds kind of easy.

Right.

You're in the same room but you're totally disengaged, like, you're all doing something different, you're you're together, but separate, I saw I've seen as we travel around the world family of seen this so many times where On the airplane and all the whole family's on just in a different realm with their devices.

Just totally disconnect I've seen any of your restaurants, whatever, or, or the worst place like you're in some amazing historical place around the world just epic and everyone's kind of, in their own space, whether they're like, oh yeah, cool.

Let's to snap a picture, blah, blah, blah.

And then back on their devices, or whatever.

There's totally disengaged, and what is greatness look like with presence being fully fully present.

What does that look like?

Describe it.

And then see yourself and all of these things.

And as the leader, in the king, in your kingdom, you might also see this with, with the people, you have some responsibility with not over because you don't control people, you don't manipulate, but he might say, man.

No.

My wife, she's been struggling with that and see how you can help, not how you can manipulate.

Now, you can force.

Now you can tell or point out or criticize, how you can help, how you can influence, how you can persuade might notice some, your kids are kind of Engaged in some of these things are important and maybe they're failing or maybe they're just mediocre my talk to him, you might do this exercise with them, you might do it as a family devotional.

Say man.

How can we how can we all level up?

How can we move?

Clearly out of failure, through mediocrity, and into this, this stage of greatness?

And is, of course, it's a scale, right?

And you're moving along and even in each each column and there's a scale of how it's getting better and better.

The work through this thing.

So parenting, family Legacy.

What is failure look like in family Legacy.

We can all think of examples of that.

That we might be related to some examples of that.

What does mediocrity look like the family Legacy?

And of course, what does excellence and greatness look like the family Legacy.

Then go to your income the way you earn money.

How money comes into your life What's failure, what's mediocrity?

What's excellence in the way income comes in how much how it gets there, how much of your time and energy and attention requires, what sacrifices, you have to make the exchange rate on that.

Some of you are sacrificing way too much, you're wrecking your health, or your mindset, or spirituality, or, or your family, your relationships for an income.

What about expenses?

This is huge.

Sometimes we think I was just going to this, but the way money goes out of your life, like, The way you feel about it, the mindset you have about it the how you expand what you're spending money on its is so powerful.

Let's failure with expenses.

What's mediocrity with expenses, what's excellence in your expenses, where that's going, including diverting it into experiences, and education and growth, and learning and Investments which is the last part of that tribe, the finances Trifecta your Investments.

What is failure?

Look like I think we've all had some of those and we know what that looks like but write it down detail it.

Like learn the lessons.

So I, you know, the Vivid lessons from the richest, man, in Babylon.

He points that out and he just had epic failures and then he had mediocre ones.

So, what's what does mediocrity look like with Investments and then what has Excellence look like with Investments and then you can go friendships and service and contribution making a difference in the world helping people out.

We've been involved in a lot of humanitarian efforts and we've been able to see epic failures.

With the best intentions.

Still saw a big failures.

We've seen a lot of mediocrity trying to try to help out trying to do good but it's okay, you know, at the end of the day and then we seen excellence and knowing what Excellence really looks like really looks like To do great things.

Really make a positive difference in the world.

So this is the invitation, I'm giving the short and sweet, so you can spend the time.

I don't just dismiss this and go on with your day, spend the time make the effort to go through this right out the columns, take any aspect of your life.

Right now we're kind of struggling.

Maybe you feel like you're in a funk or router.

You feel stuck or trapped or maybe it's a certain relationship within a team member employee or employer.

Maybe it's a relationship with money.

Is a relationship with food.

Relationship with some family member.

Maybe it's your your health either, your mental, emotional health, or your physical health.

So you've been struggling with emotions, right?

We have a temper, still you get angry too much, you feel maybe just kind of blah all the time or upset all the time, irritated all the time.

Take that you like wait, what is what is emotional Mastery look like, what's failure, what's mediocrity, what's greatness?

And then once you get clarity on this, you have a clear picture then then and only then can we Really start looking at me like, okay.

Now now I have something to work on.

Now I have something to do because you see clearly, what a failure is what mediocrity is and what greatness is.

And so then you start creating systems and habits goals and patterns to help you create that.

Because gentlemen against worth reminding, all of us all the time we do not live at the level of our hopes we live at the level of our habits and if we are not clear of Where habits are placing us, that's why we do this exercise, if you realize it.

But man, this habit that I've kind of been just dismissing or disregarding or you know, I've been indifferent towards.

It's actually putting me squarely in the failure column Or I've been in the mediocrity column for years or decades and this particular thing and never really defined it as such and now we have power to make the transformation.

So love this.

Thanks for listening gentleman.

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