WEBVTT
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With these powers of patriarchal taboos combined, I fucketh thee up!
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Dahlia never showed me nothing but kindness.
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She would say, I know how sad you get.
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And some days I still get that way, but it gets better.
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It gets better.
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It gets better.
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Sweetie, it gets better, I promise you.
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And she'd tell me.
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She'd tell me.
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Your heart is a muscle the size of your fist.
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Keep on loving.
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Keep on fighting.
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And hold on, and hold on, Hold on for your life.
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Hi there.
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Thank you so much for joining me.
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I'm Hecate, and this is Finding OK, a healing podcast for survivors of sexual assault and any and all abuse.
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When survivors share, we share strength.
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You are not alone.
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Today I'm going to be talking about how menstruation can be especially triggering for those of us who have experienced sexual assault during our periods.
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I know.
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Oof.
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Trigger and content warnings for this episode include the following: Sexual assault, and some details of assault, rape, PTSD, menstruation, substances, and strong language.
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I also wanna let you know that when I talk about menstruation, I include all menstruating people.
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Some cis-women menstruate, some trans-men menstruate, some non-binary people menstruate, myself included, and some intersex people menstruate.
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I just wanted to mention that so that you know why I am using the language I'm using, and so members of the Queer community know that this episode isn't about to erase them the way most conversations about menstruation tend to.
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I see you.
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Please check in with yourself and make sure you're all right to continue.
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If you enjoy the podcast, please consider supporting my work by becoming a Patreon member.
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Tiers start as low as $1 a month, and membership at any level changes my life.
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Creating this podcast takes an incredible amount of time, energy, and emotional labor.
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And so if you believe that what I'm creating has value, and you believe in supporting survivors and compensating them for their labor, please click the link in episode notes to learn more about membership benefits.
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Finding OK is funded entirely by the generosity of Patrons and listeners like you.
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Thank you.
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I've been wanting to make this episode for a long time, but it is a doozy.
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Uh, not that all my episodes aren't doozies, but this one is a doozy that's been sitting on my chest for about a year, kinda like that gothic horror painting, The Nightmare, by Henry Fuseli.
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My degree is in visual arts, pardon the occasional art history reference.
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Um, I've been healing from various forms of abuse and assault over multiple decades, and being aware of my own triggers has been a huge part of managing my CPTSD symptoms.
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It really took me by surprise several years ago when I fully realized just how deeply triggering my period was for me.
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I suffer from extremely painful and disabling periods, and I'm actually in the process of exploring a possible PMDD diagnosis.
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Uh, I'm also gonna check for endo while I'm there.
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With how disruptive my period already is for me, it was difficult for me to separate out trauma symptoms.
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So I'm making this episode in the hopes that it might help other survivors who are also getting hit hard with unrecognized trauma symptoms during menstruation.
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Or, maybe you do recognize it, and it'll just be important to hear somebody else talk about it.
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I've tried searching online multiple times over the years for statistics or research on the specific experience of sexual assault during menstruation, and it always left me empty handed and feeling even more isolated.
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If I have found it difficult to find resources on this subject, I'll bet you have too.
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I do wanna say, this episode may also be helpful for survivors who haven't been assaulted during their periods, but who still find their periods extremely triggering.
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This is so real and this is a recognized and a shared experience for survivors.
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It's documented and discussed, and you are not alone in this.
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I am going to talk a bit about how it can be triggering for all survivors of sexual assault who menstruate, and then after that I'm going to speak more specifically about what I have struggled with as a survivor who has experienced assault and abuse during my period.
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Menstruation is a massive physical and neuropsychological event.
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Our bodies change.
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There's often pain, swelling, bloating, weakness, fatigue, intestinal issues, emotional and hormonal fluctuations, and a feeling of vulnerability that's not just physical, but emotional.
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It's a very raw time for most people, and social stigma can make everything so much more painful and difficult in every way.
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Despite menstruation being a necessary and natural bodily function, it is heavily stigmatized by many, if not most cultures, because most cultures have been affected by violent patriarchal colonialism that destroyed or sidelined any indigenous respect or honor for this natural process.
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That's a whole thing, and it's not what I'm gonna talk about today, but I just want to acknowledge the fact that when it comes to the menstrual taboo and stigma, it was not always like this.
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Depending on what country or culture you live in or grew up in, you may experience menstrual taboo to a lesser or a greater degree, and I want to acknowledge that as well.
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I live in the United States, and menstrual stigma has affected me strongly, but the stigma is so much greater in other parts of the world, and this can make your period even more triggering and difficult.
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I believe being shamed or ostracized for a natural bodily function is inherently traumatic all on its own.
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Our periods are a time when more self-care is needed, if for no other reason than hygiene.
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Post-trauma it's common for many of us to disconnect ourselves from our bodies to a certain degree.
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Especially our genitals, if that's a body part that's experienced violence.
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Being forced to deal with that part of your body during your period can be so difficult.
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And if your culture has instilled shame or disgust in you surrounding your monthly bleeding, the entire process can easily become overwhelming.
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I'm gonna take a minute to talk about various sanitary products through a survivor lens for a moment.
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Sanitary products can be a struggle.
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Tampons are a popular choice for many, but this can be difficult for some survivors who find it triggering inserting something into their body, or who struggle with religious or cultural taboos against the use of tampons.
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If you don't have access to sanitary products that you need, or if the sanitary products you do have access to are not safe, this can also be triggering.
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I have tried multiple forms of menstrual products, and I will shift between them depending on what I'm finding less or more triggering to my trauma.
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When I use tampons, I will find myself very aware that my country and the companies that create these products have allowed toxic chemicals and metals in them, and that those toxins are almost certainly absorbed by my vagina.
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There are carcinogenic chemicals, bleach, formaldehyde, cadmium, arsenic, and lead in tampons because the companies that create them do not care about the health of the people who use them.
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These companies are almost always run by cis men, and most of the customers are cis women.
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So whenever I use a tampon, because I found other menstrual products too triggering that month because of the violence I experienced at the hands of men, I find myself also upset by the fact that the product I'm using is probably slowly poisoning me, which is more violence from men and from the government and culture, which has done nothing to stop it.
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I use tampons and I am reminded of how little my life and my health is valued by the society I live in.
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I switched to menstrual cups for many years, and I was very happy with how much more sustainable that choice was.
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But recently the discomfort of insertion became too much for me personally, and I had to switch back to tampons.
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This discomfort could be due to a number of factors, and I don't wanna discourage anyone from trying cups.
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It was my preference for a long time.
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I used pads when I was young, and before tampon applicators were more commonly available.
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I don't enjoy them.
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They make me feel like I'm wearing a diaper, and I become very self-conscious.
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Pads are kind of a sensory nightmare for me.
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I find them impossible to ignore, and so my attention is constantly called to discomfort in my lower area, which isn't great for trauma stuff either.
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I also find that odor is an issue with pads, which is a trigger for me when it's the blood, and when it's the artificial fragrance they add that's yet another sensory nightmare for me because I find it overwhelming and nauseating.
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I've used rags when I've been desperate and find them less triggering than pads, but they've been more of an emergency thing for me.
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I used period underwear for many years and that was actually the least triggering option I found.
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The brand I was using at the time had some controversy with potentially harmful chemicals or materials.
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I didn't keep up with whether it was true or not, but I didn't get another pair after a size change.
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I found that period undies were not only less triggering to my PTSD, but also more affirming for me as a non-binary person because they do have different styles available.
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I do plan on getting some new pairs, but one thing about the undies is that they are generally more expensive than just a box of tampons, and not everyone can afford that investment.
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If you can though, I do recommend them for survivors, just do your research first.
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If you're a survivor and you struggle with the products you're currently using, try looking into alternatives and check to see if the company in question has a program to provide for folks who might not be able to afford the cost of their product.
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If you're a member of a queer community center, try talking to them and see if they have a fund for helping people afford products.
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This is a part of revolutionary feminist and liberatory work, and options are worth looking into.
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We all deserve safe and affordable sanitary products.
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So at this point, I am going to shift into talking more specifically about the ways that I struggle as someone who's experienced assault during menstruation.
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I have been raped while menstruating and I have been molested while menstruating.
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There were certainly multiple non penetrative sexual assaults in addition to those two events.
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But I have blocked those out.
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I don't need those memories back.
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The abyss can keep them.
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I find myself wondering why this doubly unthinkable thing has happened to me not just once, but multiple times, and I think it just comes down to really sad math and bad luck.
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There's a certain chance that at any given time a person who menstruates could be bleeding.
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And the sad math means if a predator chooses to perpetrate violence against them, there's a chance that they could be bleeding when that violence occurs.
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If a person is in a situation where they are being regularly subjected to abuse or assault, then the chances of them being on their period at some point during one of those assaults just goes through the roof.
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I honestly believe that it's due to the combined stigmas or taboos surrounding both sexual assault and menstruation that this experience isn't talked about more.
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I think this has happened to a lot of us, and we deserve to have this part of our experience acknowledged.
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There's this myth that a predator won't rape somebody who is on their period.
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I've even heard some survivors say," If only I'd been on my period at the time, that would've stopped them".
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It's always painful for me to hear that because, no, it might not have.
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And it didn't stop any of my abusers.
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I think a lot of rapists probably don't notice, don't understand the signs, or don't care.
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I can only speak from my personal experience though.
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In my case, I don't think my abusers knew enough about menstruation, my anatomy, or sanitary products to understand the signs.
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I have been raped while I had a tampon inside me.
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Part of what can be triggering for me when using tampons is the memory of being a teenager, and wondering if I was going to have to go to the hospital to have my tampon removed after that assault.
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I know I'm not the only survivor to have struggled like that, and that's why I'm sharing it.
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I know it's hard to talk about, but I remember feeling so fucking alone in that moment, so alone, and so full of shame and confusion.
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If me sharing that helps you feel a little less alone with a similar moment, it's so worth my discomfort.
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Years later, I sought support multiple times by searching online, trying to find out if this happens to other people, and it just wasn't being talked about.
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It still isn't.
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I did some serious research while making this episode, and I wanna give a huge shout out to my sister Chie for helping me with that research.
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They're currently working on their Masters of Science in Clinical Mental Health Counseling, and had access to medical papers and studies that I would've had a hard time finding or reading otherwise.
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Figuring out what to search for in order to get relevant statistics was extremely difficult, and I honestly did not think we'd find anything, but we did! And I read medical studies to get the statistics I'm about to share with you.
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I'm going to share the numbers, and then I'm going to explain why the numbers are ultimately flawed for our purpose.
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Okay?
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I found two studies that gave me relevant statistics.
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One study from 2023 reported 14% of sexual assault survivors were menstruating at the time of their rape.
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Another study from 2011 reported 20%.
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I've wanted to hear ballpark numbers like that since I was a kid, simply because I felt so alone with this.
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We never want to hear that any numbers or statistics are high when it comes to assault.
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But when you're healing, it can help put your trauma in perspective to have a concrete number to hold onto.
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For example, hearing that about one in three women, one in five men, and 50% of gender non-conforming people are survivors of sexual assault, changed my life.
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None of us ever want to feel like a statistic, but at the same time, when people tell you you're not alone, it can feel like bullshit if you don't have other vocal survivors in your life.
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Statistics helped me a lot, especially early on in my healing when I needed to work my way towards understanding sexual assault as a human experience shared by far too many.
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So finally hearing numbers, like 14% or 20% makes me actually feel so much less alone in this aspect of my trauma, and it makes me sure that this episode is going to matter to someone else.
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This deserves to be talked about without shame.
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The shame is not ours, it's theirs.
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And to quote Gisele Pelicot,"The shame must change sides".
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So again, those studies say that anywhere from 14% to 20% of women were menstruating at the time of their rape.
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The study focused on cis women and they both used the term "women".
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The true number of people who experience this is likely higher than that 14 to 20%.
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If hearing that was intense, I promise reading these papers was far more intense, but they are cited in episode notes if anyone is interested.
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Forensic data was going to be collected regardless from these victims, and the question was only whether or not it would be included in the data.
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For instance, one study didn't include survivors who reported irregular periods or survivors who were on the birth control pill.
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I experienced my first sexual assault at 13 years old, and I had only been menstruating a couple years.
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I always assumed that the morning after pill I had to take after the assault somehow messed up my body, and that fed into feelings of shame and blame.
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But it was.
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It might also help as an example of how to notice things, take self-inventory, and make connections so that you can start to find solutions and address whatever unique triggers might exist for you.
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Whenever I'm inserting or removing a tampon, I have an auditory flashback to being molested while I had a tampon in.
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And I just hear that in my head, and I just hear that in my head whenever I'm trying to change my tampon, and it's so fucking ick that my soul just like leaves my body.
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And this, paired with pain, and intestinal symptoms trigger some medical PTSD as well as sexual PTSD because I was deathly ill when I was stalked and molested by the flute playing monk.
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Feeling symptoms in our bodies that mimic how our bodies felt during or after our abuse can trigger our brains into that super unwelcome time traveling.
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We feel like we're back in our abused body at the time of our abuse.
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Missing work or school, or just not being productive brings up feelings of shame, fear, failure, inadequacy, resentment, and panic.
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Separating out the spiritual stuff, sure.
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But there's always been a victim blamey edge to that messaging when I've received it.
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The body and the mind are connected, and I do hope trauma healing will reduce symptoms.
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Like PMDD, endometriosis, and fibroids to name a few.
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This all intersects with patriarchy because medical research and western medicine are male dominated.
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Research also shows that people who experience childhood sexual abuse are more likely to begin puberty earlier than their peers.
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Being a survivor is a medical issue.
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I have tried for years, and here's my truth.
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I accept myself most days, and I hate my period.
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And while I accept it as a natural process, it does not make me feel particularly closer to nature or to any deity.
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I hate the mess.
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I hate the fatigue.
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I hate the financial burden.
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I hate the intestinal distress.
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I gain about seven pounds of water weight every month, and my skin feels tight.
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I hate that it dictates real estate options.
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I hate that it triggers the fuck out of me and that I'll have to live with only two good weeks out of every month until menopause, which will be a whole new thing.
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It triggers my PTSD, my eating disorder, and half the time causes some gender dysphoria as well.
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You can't find solutions if you're not being entirely honest about the problem.
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It's a bodily function and sometimes a medical event.
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I'm still finding solutions and addressing triggers.
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I hope they're helping you.
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That's helped a lot.
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So I got a Lucky Iron Fish to help with iron supplementation, and my next cycle was much more bearable.
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I'm working on it.
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At least now I'm not low on iron while I'm doing that.
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You should not be shamed for either of these things.
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I'm so sorry it happened to you too.
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Maybe you hadn't made the connection or realized that because you were assaulted while on your period.
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Take courageous self-inventory and treat yourself with endless compassion, softness, and kindness.
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Figure out if and why things are affecting you, and slowly you can begin to find solutions and heal those wounds.
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If you had this experience and you are not experiencing triggers like mine, that's normal too.
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You are unique and so is your healing journey, and I hope this helps you along your path.
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Thank you so much for listening.
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It's where you can find citations and articles if you'd like to learn more about the subjects I discussed today.
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We need to stick together and stay connected.
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If you didn't know, it's free to follow someone on Patreon if you can't afford a subscription.
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Welcome in, Hana, Erica, and Grim Glutton! Thank you so much for answering the call.
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I am so excited you've joined us and I could not do this without you.
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You're all changing my life and the lives of every single listener.
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The music is Your Heart is a Muscle the Size of Your Fist, used with the permission of Ramshackle Glory.
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Thank you again for listening.
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This has been Finding OK.
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Destroy the Kyriarchy, and keep working towards collective liberation.
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Take care of yourself, and take care of each other.
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Your heart is a muscle size of your fist.
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Keep on loving, keep on fighting, and hold on and hold on.
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Hold on for your life, for your life, for your life.
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Your heart is a muscle the size of your fist.
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Keep on loving.
