Why We Love the Way We Do

Have you ever found yourself in a relationship thinking, Why am I doing this again?

Maybe you pull away the second someone gets too close. Maybe you panic when someone seems distant. Maybe you keep ending up in relationships that aren't particularly good for you, but somehow feel weirdly familiar.

There may be a reason for that.

In this episode of This Way In, we're talking about attachment: how we learn to connect with other people, where those patterns begin, and why things that happened long before we were old enough to understand them can still show up in our relationships decades later.

And yes, as Brittney puts it, most of us are carrying around at least a little attachment junk.

Attachment Starts Earlier Than We Think

One of the first things Brittney clears up is the difference between bonding and attachment.

Bonding is the caregiver's connection to the child. Attachment is the child's connection to the caregiver, and it develops through what happens over and over again.

When a child is hungry, scared, uncomfortable, lonely, overwhelmed, or simply needs reassurance, what happens next?

Does someone respond? Are they predictable? Does the child feel safe asking for what they need? Do they learn that other people can be trusted?

Those experiences begin building a blueprint for relationships.

And we don't simply toss that blueprint in the recycling bin when we turn 18.

Secure Attachment...and the Other Three

Attachment is generally described as either secure or insecure, with three types of insecure attachment that we discuss in the episode: avoidant, ambivalent, and disorganized.

With secure attachment, a child's caregiver is reliably available and responsive enough that the child learns something incredibly important: When I need connection, it's safe to seek it.

That doesn't require perfect parenting. Nobody responds perfectly every time. What matters is enough consistency, safety, connection, and repair.

When those things aren't reliably available, children adapt.

An avoidant pattern may develop when emotional needs repeatedly aren't met or connection isn't encouraged. The child learns not to expect much emotional support and may become very self-reliant.

With ambivalent attachment, care and connection may be available sometimes and unavailable at other times. There's enough unpredictability that the child isn't quite sure what response they're going to get.

And then there's disorganized attachment, where the response can be unpredictable from moment to moment. The person a child needs for safety may also sometimes be frightening, rejecting, chaotic, or unsafe.

Brittney describes something fascinating here: humans have both a drive to connect and a drive to protect ourselves.

Imagine what happens when those two systems point toward the same person.

I need you.

I'm afraid of you.

Come here.

Get away from me.

That's a hell of a conflict for a developing nervous system to sort out.

Then We Grow Up and Start Dating People

Here's where attachment theory gets especially interesting.

Those early patterns don't necessarily stay tucked away in childhood. They can become part of what feels normal to us in relationships.

Not necessarily healthy.

Not necessarily pleasant.

Just familiar.

That can help explain why someone might repeatedly choose emotionally unavailable partners, become extremely anxious when a partner pulls away, struggle to trust people, avoid vulnerability, or stay in relationships that aren't meeting their needs.

Sometimes we're not consciously choosing the relationship pattern at all. We're recognizing it.

There's something strangely powerful about familiarity, even when what is familiar isn't particularly good for us.

Attachment Wounds Aren't Always Attachment Trauma

Another important distinction Brittney makes in this episode is between attachment wounds and attachment trauma.

Not every unmet childhood need means someone experienced trauma.

Sometimes our caregivers loved us and did many things well, but certain needs still weren't met consistently. Maybe emotional reassurance wasn't their strong suit. Maybe conflict wasn't repaired well. Maybe affection was uncomfortable in the family. Maybe nobody was particularly good at talking about feelings.

Those experiences can leave attachment wounds without necessarily rising to the level of attachment trauma.

Trauma involves more extreme experiences, including situations where the caregiving environment itself was unsafe.

And despite the way attachment terminology sometimes gets tossed around online, Brittney also explains that there isn't a general adult DSM-5 diagnosis called "attachment disorder." The attachment-related diagnoses discussed in the episode are childhood diagnoses.

So your TikTok attachment style is not automatically a psychiatric diagnosis.

What Did You Actually Need?

One of the great parts of this conversation was Brittney's discussion of attachment needs.

Some are obvious: comfort, reassurance, encouragement, validation and unconditional love.

Others might not immediately sound like attachment needs at all.

Limits.

Loving correction.

Help solving problems.

Support becoming your own person.

Repair after conflict.

Being delighted in.

That last one really sticks with me.

There's something profound about the idea that a child needs more than food, shelter, rules and protection. They also need the experience of someone simply being happy that they exist.

And then there's attunement, which comes up repeatedly in our conversation.

Attunement means noticing another person's emotional state and responding to what they actually need, rather than what we assume they need.

That sounds simple.

It isn't.

Because our own attachment junk comes along for the ride.

The Good News: This Isn't Destiny

Learning about attachment can get depressing very quickly if it starts sounding like everything was decided before kindergarten.

Fortunately, that's not the point.

These patterns can change.

Brittney talks about approaches including EMDR and ego state work that can help people work with attachment wounds and trauma. Part of that process can involve learning to recognize needs that weren't adequately met earlier and finding healthier ways to meet them now.

And there's a piece of this conversation that I think is especially important:

As an adult, you are the person who can be most consistently attuned to you.

That doesn't mean we don't need other people. Humans are built for connection.

It means we're no longer entirely dependent on someone else noticing what we need and providing it for us.

We can learn to recognize our own patterns.

We can notice when an old protective response has taken over.

We can communicate differently.

We can choose healthier relationships.

We can repair.

And, when needed, we can get help doing it.

Everybody Has Some Sh*t to Work Out

At one point in this episode, Amy announced that everybody should be in therapy because, essentially, everybody has some shit they need to work out.

You don't need a catastrophic childhood to have attachment wounds. You don't need terrible parents. You don't need to fit neatly into one attachment category.

You just need to have been raised by human beings.

Learning about attachment isn't about assigning blame or collecting labels for ourselves, our parents, our partners, or the person we're currently arguing with.

It's about understanding the patterns.

Because once you can see a pattern, you have a much better chance of deciding whether you want to keep repeating it.

And that might be one of the most hopeful things about attachment.

Our earliest relationships help teach us how to love.

They don't have to have the final word.

Listen to This Way In, Episode 18: “Why We Love the Way We Do.”

This Way In is a conversation about mental health and everyday well-being, but it is not therapy. The information shared is for educational and entertainment purposes only and should not replace care or advice from a qualified mental health professional.