Jen Lilley’s Powerful Bulimia Recovery Story: Faith, Eating Disorders, and Finding Freedom

00:00:02
Speaker 1: Life Audio and what's crazy is the whole time I did love Jesus and I knew my worth.

00:00:14
Speaker 2: Hey, friends, that's Jen Lily. You might recognize her from the Homework Channel or Christmas movies on Great American Family, but she's my guest today on the Compared to You podcast. This is Heather Creekmore. I'm glad you're listening. Jen has so much to share with us today. You may know her from the Academy Award winning Best Picture The Artist, or you might know He're from Days of Our Lives, General Hospital, Gray's Anatomy, Castle, Chicago med I Carly, I know her from the Christmas movies. In fact, I just watched one where she was with Nathan from When Calls The Heart Called, and it was a winter holiday or Winter love story or something like that. Anyway, I was interested in having Jen on. She got pitched to me because she has a Brandy book. But I didn't realize until I was started looking more into who Jen was and what she was about, how deep her faith was, and how she has a story of a fifteen year eating disorder that God healed through her recognition of really some idols in her life, some trust things she had going on, and it just seemed to be a match with everything we talk about here on this podcast. I think you're going to be surprised how this episode goes. We talk about, you know, just her career and such at the beginning, but then we go deep and you're really going to appreciate John's perspective on Grace and what really set her free was not what you might expect. So stick with it till the end because there's a lot of good stuff there. Nay, if you're looking for freedom this year, if you're tired of struggling with body image and food and all the things, join us on a forty day journey. We just started last week, but you can still join us. It's not too late to sign up. You can watch the replays learn more to improve body image dot com look for the forty day Journey tab. We'd love to have you, Ben Lily, Welcome to the Compared to Your podcast.

00:02:22
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for having me. I'm super excited to get into all the things.

00:02:27
Speaker 2: Well, I'm super excited because like I'm fangirling here. I love me a good genally movie. Body image is use and comparison, and you know, does she have any story there, and your publicist was like, yeah she does.

00:02:41
Speaker 1: Yeah, I love it.

00:02:43
Speaker 2: So I was like, then this is a perfect fit. So I'm excited for us to go deep today. But I first want to just like, let's start with the fluffy stuff, the stuff that everyone wants to know. You have been acting for a number of years now. Most of my audio as probably knows you from Hallmark or have you started doing movies with Great American Family.

00:03:06
Speaker 1: Yeah, I was the first person. You helped start Great American Family movies with both I'm okay, I'm friendly with everyone.

00:03:16
Speaker 2: I love it.

00:03:17
Speaker 1: I love it.

00:03:18
Speaker 2: But you've been in a number of things that I think people would recognize. How did you get started acting?

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Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, it is totally fluffy stuff, basically the nutshell version, because we want to get into it. The nutshell version was I I'm stage fright and so. And I also grew up in a fairly small town, like you know, suburban, rural, and I didn't think that I wanted to be an actor. I auditioned for a independent film that was shooting in Charlottesville. I went to University of Virginia. There were open call auditions, and I whatever dared myself to do it and booked the female lead. Got on set and I was like, oh, I'm not afraid of the camera. I love storytelling, and I think that people who are involved in film are really cool. They're very artistic, but they also have lives. That's when I say theater kids don't have lives. I'm not trying to like dis theater guys. I think theater's cool. I respect it. I acknowledged that it's not my forte. I think it's definitely a skill, so like, please don't get it ended, but you know it's not my thing. So I really prayed about it and felt like the Holy Spirit was like, yes, I want you to be common actress. So I studied the business of acting for two years. I did end up getting a degree in drama, but ava that's mainly like lighting sound. I did a lot of production stage management things like that technical stuff. But outside I took acting classes from a director who had moved to Charlotte'sville. This very long winded anyway, I studied the business of acting, made an eight year plan, moved to La Ate, rice and eggs for seven months because I was like so poor, lived with the roaches had to like tape up my rice that I got from Costco for six dollars thirty six cents. You know, I had rice for seven months and take it because I had so many roaches that if I didn't put in a sterilit container with tay, it would be a situation. So I've lived it. I made basically a promise to not turn around from Hollywood until I gave myself a seven year plan. Okay, and that's how I got started.

00:05:29
Speaker 2: And your big break was General Hospital.

00:05:31
Speaker 1: I don't know because a lot of parallel things happened in twenty eleven, which was my fourth year, which is generally when people leave okay, four years, a lot of people have breakthrough, and a lot of people leave big bright before their breakthrough.

00:05:44
Speaker 2: And interesting, interesting if.

00:05:46
Speaker 1: You're like working hard. I mean I was a hustler and I was an Excel sheet queen, like I got notes on everybody that I met. Wow, where did I meet them? What did I do? How did the audition go? How do you know? Like crazy coobious maths? I booked the Artist which one ended up winning the Academy Award for Best Picture and it was nominated for ten at one to five at the same time before the artist came out, though, I had already booked General Hospital, so it's kind of like they were in Tandemwylven a good year. I did recurring on I Carly. I had all these things that happened in twenty eleven, but sure General Hospital was pretty much what put me on the map.

00:06:21
Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, so you were already a believer. Yes, so you're going into a dark place as Sultan light. Yes, and you kind of had I don't know, was it a secret you were eating distorted?

00:06:35
Speaker 1: Absolutely not a secret anymore.

00:06:37
Speaker 2: Yeah.

00:06:38
Speaker 1: So I was beliemic for fifteen years. I was blieming before I went to LA. I had eating disorder issues, probably from the age of thirteen. Just because so we'll just go like, we'll just start on a you interrupt me at any point, kay.

00:06:56
Speaker 2: Go for it.

00:06:56
Speaker 1: I'll like start start at the beginning. So first of all, I would say, if anybody is watching this interview, if anybody knows who I am, and you've seen me and you're still struggling with an eating disorder, this is a situation for you. I want to give you like a funny story caveat. Okay, I do not have an eating disorder anymore. I'm a very tiny person when so we're going to kind of go all over the timeline. But I'm assuming most of your listeners are women, and women are very good at like keeping up with the hopidy hops you go. By the time my parents knew I had an eating disorder, I was fifteen. Okay, when I was fifteen years old, my mom bought me Lisa Bevie's book You Are Not What You Weigh. It's actually a great book. Started reading it, it was kind of changeding my tone. Like I was I was struggling a little bit with anarexia. I was just struggling with eating issues.

00:07:52
Speaker 3: Yea.

00:07:53
Speaker 1: Then I saw Lisa Bavie. Lisa knows this. So Lisa and I have since become friends as of two years ago. She was like my favorite human. I literally make fun of myself to her and John all the time, like, I don't know how you don't have a restraining order against me, Like I am their biggest fand like I am hard hardcore fangirl over John and Lisa Avie. I love it for a very long time. So the fact that they let me be friends, I'm always like this is kind of amazing.

00:08:17
Speaker 3: I love it.

00:08:19
Speaker 1: So I'm not friends with Lisa. Yeah, I'm fifteen, this is one thousand years ago, forty one. I'm reading her book. I see a photo of her, and Lisa knows the story, and I'm like, oh, this woman's a liar. This woman's peddling book sales. She definitely still has an eating disorder because she's thin. Okay, she's thin, she's fit. Like, I was like, you are selling books, like, you're peddling books. So I didn't. I like put Lisa away, and I started listening to John Vivie. Later in life we'll get into that maybe maybe not, but like they're awesome. Yeah, So I'm like, no, John, I was a fan of you, is not Lisa. I thought Lisa was a book peddler. She's totally not. She's totally not interrect. She has no disorder now. But the reason I believed that was because I had been sold the lie out of good intention and not just good intention, misinformation and good intention pair it together. I have been told over and over and over again that once you have a needing disorder, your metabolism is shot. You can never repair it. So that's that. So when I saw Lisa, I'm like, oh, she's thin, but she had a needing disorder, so she's a liar. So if you're watching me and you're like, oh, she's thin and she's tiny, and she's selling the fact that she's selling a book and she's an actress and you know, but she's lying because she's thin, let me just dispel the myth. God is amazing and he can and will heal your metabolism. You also have to do the work, and it's not fun. But I do want to say, like it's a lie from the pit of hell. Your bodies are made to heal themselves. Like God made our bodies so good. It's it's really amazing. Okay, now knowing that whole preface, now that like you can maybe accept that I'm still tiny even though I have for like ever. Okay, So I'm thirteen. I was a ballerina. Dance was my life, Like my life. I did Paris Christmas Wolds a couple of years ago and bald every single day because I had put dance away because of what I'm about to tell you. So it was like very healing for me to do that movie. Wow, dance was my life. I still love it to this day. I wish I could be a dancer, like if dancing. When the stars wants to have me on, I will peddle the story and get the bugs get yes, so I at the same time, like most girls on average, I started my period when I was twelve. I had extremely painful periods. I have had two children completely unmedicated, so I know what natural childbirth feels like. I will tell you my periods were more painful than natural child birth, wow, because I had cyst that were so large that they would rupture. One time, when I was nineteen, my ovary torqued like, it turned over like and I was This is no shame to anybody, this is my own story. I was a virgin til I was married, so I had a doctor had to go up with his hand and manually twist my ovary so that it would not atrophy. I don't know how he did it because like uweight, the wait tubes are but it was a situation and it was crazy painful. I'm talking. I had a five hour morphine drip and the pain did not drop below a ten. Wow. So when I say I have painful periods, I'm talking literally. I'm vomiting and blacking out, like my body blacks out. That's how painful my periods are. So that's nineteen ninety It were in a year nineteen ninety seven, nineteen ninety eight. I'm nineteen ninety six, I'm twelve. Nineteen ninety seven, I'm thirteen. My mom is like that, I can't watch my daughter be like this anymore. This is unbelievable. There were heavy periods. I mean, there was all sorts of issues going on. So in nineteen ninety seven, at least to my knowledge, at least in Rono, Virtunia where I'm from, there was no known to me low dose birth control. So I was put on a birth control in order to basically regulate my hormone so that these cysts would stop. And as a oh my gosh, what is it called, like an effect a side effect of that hormone therapy, I gained sixty pounds in one year. Wow, Okay, so I went from one hundred and twelve. I remember I was one hundred and twelve. Just I don't remember why I remember that, Like, it wasn't any disorder thing. I just remember being like at first it was twelve, and I was like really proud that it was one hundred and twelve. But when you're twelve, you're still kind of like I'm taller than you and like right way more than you. So and I'm older than you by a day, so cooler, right right. I was one twelve, I was like solid stream, being muscle. I go up to like one seventy in the course of like a one semester. Wow, my dance teacher, which was painful. It's not it's painful to gain that much weight. I had to stretch marks, all the things. My dance teacher in front of my mom says, orders me an adult large. No excuse me, yes, orders me an adult large. I was a child large still because I'm only five to two. My mom's like, she goes into the dance teacher. She's literally like what the hell is this Like, she's like a mama bear, like what is this about? And the dance teacher in front of me says, miss Lily, at the rate that your daughter's gaining weight, she'll fit into it by the recital that was two weeks away. So that was kind of like, oh, this is something everybody is noticing. I have to take care of this. So I started kind of with antarexia. Tried, I wasn't good at it. I was being told my metabolism be wrecked forever. But anorexia was hard for me because from the South. My mom's a great cook, and you know, I was. My parents never intentionally raised us. They were really actually intentional about not raising us to be emotional eaters. But we are one hundred percent lilies are emotional eaters, like one hundred percent were Southern. So that wasn't working out too well for me anorexia. So finally, when I was fifteen, I discovered bolimia. I thought I could never do it, tried enough, finally had a gag reflex, did that, felt convicted about it, went to my parents, went to my mom, told her it was not a good reaction it but it wasn't a bad reaction either. I want to give my parents a lot of grace because I'm a parent and I've done a lot of things wrong as a parent, and sometimes parents' reactions are because they're so upset they don't know how to handle it. So my mom sometimes had eating disorders at different stages of her life, so I think for her, she just felt like, you know, she was a failure, and she wasn't It wasn't her fault that any of this happened. But there was a lot of Because I love my parents, there was a lot of their reaction was like, well, what have we done that? We're such bad parents? That would you have any eating disorder? And you know, and they were kind of crying. My mom was crying, which is a fine reaction, but it was more like, how could this happen? I'm such a bad mom, And because I am an empathetic person and I wanted her to feel better, it was kind of like, oh, I'll just say that I'm better. I went to a counselor who was very expensive. It was over one hundred dollars an hour, like in the nineties, which is a lot. It's a lot now, but like it's a lot in the nineties, it'd be like four hundred dollars now. And you know, I'm one of four kids, like we pretty much single family income. My mom had side jobs, but like, that's a lot of money. And the counselor was stupid. I mean, he was literally awful. I have no problem saying that, worst counselor ever. I would go in there and literally be like, I know exactly why I have an eating disorder, like I'm bullied at school, like my boyfriend broke up with me, Like these are the things I want to talk about. And he would literally say stuff like if you get off a horse, like no, no, no, we do not talk about that. Let's do a worksheet. Okay, follow the horse you have to get back on. So a how many times did you approach this week? And it was like, okay, can we just can we talk about like the root issue here. It's like, if we talk about the root issue, I promise you I'm going to get better. He'd be like, I'm a counselor you're not. So finally, I just told my parents I was better because I knew it was a financial strain at the time, and so I just started hiding it. I got really, really good at hiding my bolimia. And what's crazy is the whole time, I did love Jesus and I knew my worth. Yeah, I knew my worth as like a spirit. I just was so upset. And you know, I'm sure every listener that has an eating disorder has body issues, and you know, I don't know your own personal testimony, but addiction is addiction is addiction is addiction. It doesn't matter whether it's drugs, it doesn't matter whether it's alcohol, it doesn't matter whether it's an eating disorder. There's a dopamine reaction that's happening. It's the same thing social media addiction. And I would wager to say that most addicts fall into addiction, myself included, because they feel like their whole life is out of control and they want to fix it and they don't know how, and so they feel like it's something that they can control, even though the addiction is actually controlling them. It's this weird I want control. I need control because my life is out of control, but this thing is ConTroll me, like shame cycle from help. Absolutely, and I felt like I would never get out of it. It just kind of was like I had resolved that, like this is my life now. I can't stop because then I'll be fat, which like who really cares? Actually, But because I had been heavier, I don't carry weight very well. And I don't mean that like I don't mean that like a body image wise. What I mean by that is like I'm tiny, I have like the littlest bones you've ever seen in life, Like I am a frail person. To carry like one hundred and seventy pounds on my frame literally hurts like when I would run, like it hurt like it hurts. My knees hurt, like my hips hurt, my back hurt like I hurt all the time. So I kind of just thought, all right, well, Jesus's blood covers this and it'll be fine. You know. I would go up to altar calls in church all the time for healing because I believe in healing. Today. I believe God still heals. I believe he always wants to heal. I believe what the Bible says. The Bible says, by Jesus's stripes, we are healed. It also says by Jesus's stripes, we were healed. And it also says that it is finished. And it also says that everything that ever needed to be done was completed and provided for by Jesus on the Cross. I have seen from my own personal life. I don't know how many miracles I've seen where cancer has disappeared. I'm talking, the person is dying, they go get another I pray for them, another scan. They're clear medically documented I have in the past year, not medically documented to me to my knowledge, I don't know these people, but I have witnessed in the same room twice in the past year two people get out of wheelchairs. Love it, so I know God still heals. I would go to altar calls or healing and feel like I was laying down my eating disorder, wanted to get healed but didn't, and I want to clarify that and camp out here for as I can. There are many times. There are many testimonies. They're pretty amazing. You should go look them up. I've also seen this happen with my own eyes, talk to these people with my own mouth, where they were maybe drunk, stoned, high, out of their mind whatever. They go to an altar call and they are immediately immediately brought into their sobriety and they lose all desire. That can't happen. That is what I wanted. I wanted a quick fix, right I wanted because same thing with bolimia. For me, I hate working now. I still hate working out for you guys, thankfully, I have four children I had to chase after and I literally loathe working out. I like hiking, but like hiking's like tricking you working out right a walk with friends you're talking about, I'm like, not a jibber. I have been before, but it is never my desire to work out. I absolutely loathe it. So I like easy way out. I like eat whatever I want, get the comfort out of it, throw it up. That was a very easy cycle for me. Nobody knew. But there's guilt and shame. So I think that sometimes while God can will, and sometimes does, heal people immediately from their addiction, I think because God is a good father, more times than not, he does not heal you immediately because Jesus already provided healing on the cross. What he does instead is he's like doors open, honey, But you have to walk it out with him. You have to repent. You have to make daily decisions, sometimes our decisions to no longer do the same behavior. Now. Listen, I was bollimic for fifteen years. You guys, I know when you heard that. If you are still struggling, you're like, I hate this girl. This is bs and easier said than done. I've been there. I'm with you. I feel you so understand that sentiment that you were just like screw you generally you're full of crap. You and Lisa Bavia paddling yourself. You're just kidding at least is awesome, and hopefully you think I'm awesome. But okay, so this is how like it got to me. I want so many alter calls. It's all in hiding. I was so good at hiding my believe me. I was so good at hiding it. Nobody, now my own husband didn't know. We'll get into that. However, many years later, right like maybe fourteen, I was believing for fifteen years, probably around you're fourteen. Mmmm, let me think when did I know? You know, even like year two thousand and seven, so I stopped being malimic. Probably I started walking out of the prison around to twenty sixteen. Okay, two thousand and seven. I remember, I'm listening to this amazing preacher teacher, I don't know what you call him. He's a teacher, he's not really a pastor. His name he's an author. He's awesome. His name is Graham Cook. I love him. If you listen to anything by Graham Cook, I swear you will feel like you just got hugged and you're convicted at the same time, the most loving, gentle guy ever, Like he's so great and he operates in a lot of miracles and things like this. Again, I still believe in miracles. That's how I got saved. I got saved at nine because I heard the story of Elijah and was like, how did the Holy Spirit work like that? If you really read the Bible, Like it's pretty wild. Like, I know we're not one of the twelve Disciples, but God intends us to walk like they did, and people got healed in Peter's shadow Like that is bizarre, crazy, amazing to me. And I had gotten to a season in my life in two thousand and seven, nine years before. You know, gosh, this timeline is not making sense. Let me think about this. So I turned and I was fifteen in nineteen ninety nine. In two thousand and seven, that's eight years later. Okay, nineteen ninety nine. I guess, well, I guess I had an eating disorder for a long time. I started being bolimic at seventeen. There we go. I was like, why do I know it's fifteen years? Okay, ignore me, guys, sorry, I just make out detail myself time because I'm like, let me say something that's not unsubstantiated anyway, doesn't matter. Twenty two thousand and seven, two thousand and eight, I am listening to a lot of Graham Cook, and I'm thinking, Gosh, I would really like to move in the power of God. But I know that the enemy the devil. I do think he's real. H I don't think everything that attacks you is Satan himself. That's not biblically accurate. But he has a lot of d and he has a lot of the dark spirits, So I don't know. I would just call them all the devil now that we have our definitions in order. I was kind of like the accuser. That's what the Bible calls them. The accusers basically has that over me. You can't operate in miracles and signs and wonders because you are balimk like you whatever. So I just kind of had it in the back of my head, like I would really like to get rid of this because then he would have nothing that like he could like hold against me. Really, there's no like lifestyle that I'm like struggling with. I thought that for a long time. Okay, two thouy fifteen ish, fourteen years into Bolimia. I started listening to a lot of John Bevie. John Bevie is very open about the fact that he was addicted to pornography before he got married and early on into his marriage. And I really related to John Beavie's addiction because he was like when I would tell people, they would say, well, John, just throw out your dirty magazines and your tapes, and he was like, you don't understand. I can close my eyes and play the tape. I can see a naked woman. I can see sex all day long in my mind. My prison is in my mind. People will say that to you when you have an eating disorder, like we'll just stop throwing up, and you're like, it doesn't work like that. Like my metabolism is a little bit shot right now. But more than my metabolism, it's like my body does not know how to fully process this thing because I have not been processing like a full meal for fifteen years. Like my gut is all over the place, Like this is scary.

00:26:34
Speaker 2: It's scary to think about swallowing keeping all that food.

00:26:37
Speaker 1: In the calories, you know, Oh my gosh. We get into so many gross things that we do when we're boleemic. Like ooh, eating ice cream? Does that makes it feel better when you throw up? You know, like takes the burn away, like all these disgusting things that you do that I did. So I was listening to John Vivie and he's talking about how it's an addiction. I was talking about how he got free of it, and that for me was like kind of the first like Okay, the key has been put in your like prison cell. I always kind of visualized my eating disorder spiritually as like I'm in this prison cell. Nobody knows I'm in, and I don't think I'm ever gonna get out of it, and I know Jesus provided the key, but like I can't find my way out. I can't get out of these things so awful. So I felt like listening to John Devere was like keys in the door. I hear it like click, and I'm like, Okay, this is interesting. At the same time, I'm listening to a lot of Graham Cook, I'm listening to a lot of people, and I'm really like frustrated that I'm not spiritually living in signs of Wonders. I'm like righteously jealous for the things of the Lord, things of spirit, and then I so I start. I told like two of my girlfriends who are Christian, and they're awesome, but they love me right and they also have been sold the well intentioned but slippery slope. I don't want to call it a lie, that's too strong a word, but like misinformation, miss misapplied theology, maybe that a lot of us have adopted because it's comfortable that it's okay to sin because Jesus's blood covers that all good lies are bathed in a lot of truth. There's a lot of truth to that statement. There's a lot of lies. The Bible says that, yes, Jesus's blood covers all sin. Jesus died for every single person. He died for me. I deserve death. I deserve it. I deserve it like if you've and it even says like if you've sinned one sin, you're guilty of committing them all. So like we shouldn't judge other people like I one hundred percent do not deserve to go to heaven because it is not about my righteousness. It's not about my good works. I've done a lot of good for the world. I'm very into philanthropy, but Jesus's righteousness, God standards are so much higher than us that he had to send Jesus himself and Jesus also, guys just to like can't pay for his im Jesus, this is so encouraging. Jesus was not the plan be Jesus was planning. God knew. It says. It's in the Bible all over the place. Three places I could cite you right now, Revelation. I think first Peter, maybe Colossians. Okay, I think Isaiah like gets throughout the Bible. It says in so many words, this is straight from Revelation, though before the foundations of the world were laid, the lamb was already slain, which means because God exists outside of time, Time was a concept that God. Time was a concept and almost like a dimensional concept. If you want to get in linked to physics and stuff like that. I love science. I won't like go to nerdy on you, guys, but like time is a construct that the Lord created on our behalf. God exists outside of time. The best analogy I've ever heard for that is by John Burke, doctor John Burke. He says that think of time like this when you are viewing a parade, and you are sitting on a corner. You can see the parade that's about to come. You can see the parade act that's right in front of you, and you can look to your other side and you can see the parade that just passed you. You can see all three time periods at the same time. What is to come, what's here, what's already come. That's kind of how God views the earth, like he is outside of time. A wise builder, Jesus is a parable of a wise builder builds his house not on the sand, but on rock. A wise builder, Jesus, says, calculates the cost before he sits down and builds a project, lest he be ridiculed by onlookers. Who is the wisest builder? Of course, it's the Lord. It's God Almighty himself. He totally counted the cost, He totally knew. Just makes me cry because it's so It's like, if you really can grasp it, the love of God is so ridiculous. He knew before he ever formed the earth that Adam and Eve were gonna sin, that we wouldn't be held to the standard, and that Jesus is gonna have to die because if you've never heard the Gospel, this is all true, guys. Like the wages of sin is death. That's what Roman says. But you see it right in Genesis chapter three, the first time sin ever entered the world, God had to kill an animal in order to cover Adam and Eve's sin because blood is the payment. Death is the payment for sin. So there was a sacrificial system that was set up where animals would die in our stead. But an animal's blood is never going to be enough, so Jesus had to die himself. And when I really think about it, it amazes me because it's like, who is man that you would man? When I say nan, that's a Bible verse, I mean men and women? Yeah, who is humanity? Lord?

00:32:07
Speaker 3: What is so special about us that you need a relationship with us that you crave a relationship with us, that your life feels so incomplete without us, that you would create a world that you knew was going to turn against you and do all sorts of evil from the beginning to the end of the earth.

00:32:27
Speaker 1: We were going to do evil. There is so much evil in the world today, and you decided to do it anyway, and you knew that you yourself would pay the price because you wanted to have a relationship with us. That is the value that we hold to the Lord. I cannot fully understand that. I can only understand it in part. But it makes me weep every time. And Jesus's death was so excruciating. They've been studying the Shroud of Turn for forever, right, there was a recent discovery in the Shroud of Turn that one of Jesus's eyes was fully pulled out before he even went to the cross, because it got stuck on one of the cat of Nine tails and it was ripped out. It said he was so deformed by the time he got to the cross, stripped naked guys that they could not tell whether he was a man or a woman. Like he had been mutilated to the point where like he is genderless now. And he did that for us, and he knew, and he did it for us, and he didn't even he let it happen, he knew. It's amazing. So it says I believe it's in Colossians. I would have to like confirm that, but like anything, I say, God, it's I mean, guys, it's in the Bible. Go look it up. Yourself, like what, I know what I'm saying. I know what I'm quoting is in there. Whether it's in Colossians or Corinthians, it does not matter. It says that it might even be Hebrews. If you know that your sin is sin, and you keep on doing it, then you nullify the blood of Jesus. You make his sacrifice not able to cover you. And furthermore, it says that you continually crucify him. You put him back on that cross over and over. You demand that he'd die over and over and over for you because you are too selfish. And I'm saying I am too selfish. I'm not trying to point my finger, guys. I'm pointing my finger at my own self. This was the conversations and the reality that's true that I had to come to understand. It wasn't that his blood would cover me. Yeah, his blood will cover me, but I have to repent. If I don't repent, then I don't know that like I don't. This is generally speaking based on my interpretation of scriptures as far as I have ever been to study. I would so love to be wrong. So this I want to just put a caveat that like this is me. I truly believe that if I had died while I was bulimic, I don't know that I would have gone to heaven. I don't know. I'm not the judge. God is super merciful. But I also was very much abusing his grace and his ability to cover me by his blood. So I had two girlfriends I tell and they're like, oh, John, don't worry about that. The grace, the grace covers you. And I remember literally like one of them, I was on a hike and I was like, please, I feel like I'm about to step out of this. Could you just stop talking because I don't want you to talk me out like I'm at the door. I'm at the door, like please, don't please don't tell me like don't like, don't lull me back to sleep, like don't push me back into this prison by telling me that like his grace covers me, Like, let's just end this conversation. Let's talk about something else. Then I'm in this church service and my pastor says, and this is Romans fourteen twenty three. I've since found it in the Bible. Verbati. He said, the best definition I can come up with for sin is trusting in anything more than you trust in the Lord. That's actually what Roman's fourteen twenty three says. Roman's fourteen twenty three, based on your translation, says anything that does not proceed from trust, it's sin yea. And in that moment I realized, like, oh okay, blim mea is a sin. I was so grateful. I felt like a pressure was just released off of me because somebody finally told it to me straight. And I just want to say, like, as somebody that's totally an evangelist at heart, we so often don't tell other people about Jesus because of our own comfort or wanting people's approval. And at the same time, I think most people, when they're ready to make a decision, just want somebody to tell it to them straight, like it's very loving as long as you bathe it in love, and not like judgment, like let me.

00:37:07
Speaker 3: Tell it to you straight, like there is no hope outside of Jesus. Right, we're not good enough Christ?

00:37:14
Speaker 2: Yeah, right.

00:37:16
Speaker 1: It says my righteousness. It says in the Bible, my righteousness is like filthy rags to the Lord. Filthy rags are the cloths they would use to wipe themselves after they use the restroom, or to clot their blood during their periods. That is what the Lord thinks about our righteousness. He's proud of us when we co labor with him. He's proud of the philanthropy that I have done. That pleases him because he loves people. But the minute I think, aren't I amazing because of all these great humanitarian works I do, the Lord's like gross. I was recently. I'm going to get that subject for a second. It makes me laugh and I apologize in advance because sometimes I'm too transparent and I say things and I'm like, maybe I should, but whatever, I'm a transparent person. And you either like me or you don't. It's just okay, you know, I'm forty one. I'm over it. I was recently kind of bamboozled into being a judge at the Missed Virginia like primary, okay, okay, it was a situation. Well, have bit on me. It sounds so brutal at a charity event to have dinner with me, and they bamboozle me into like becoming a judge at this pageant, and I pageants are not my thing. They make me very sad, especially as somebody that used to have a new disorder. I know the girls, some girls that do pageants. I'm gonna be honest, like, I don't I'm not them. Some of them love it. And if you love it and you love pageants, like that's so great. I'm so happy for you that you found something that you love. But me, as Jen Lily, usually it just makes me really sad because it's like, do you know that you're amazing? I don't know, Like do you know that you have worked? Do you know that like this is much more than a beauty pageant? Like that just makes me a little bit like a little ringing. And I was watching this girl in doing her talent, and I had this like moment where I was watching her and I was like, oh my gosh, this must be how the Lord feels about our righteous acts, because she was so proud of herself and she was like trained on all the right poses and like like the most aggressive, smiling and like so proud of herself, like and she was saying whatever her speech was was like my name's blah blah blah, and I'm done this, this, that and that, and I'm like thank you, you know, and it was like it was like she was trained to do what people are going to give her high marks for. But all I thought was like, oh my gosh, this much like this is a really weird, out of body spiritual experience where I feel like that must be how the Lord feels when we parade our righteousness before him. Why He's like, what, Like, that's not why I like you. I like you because I don't like good Like if you know you accomplish a those things, I'm proud of you. But that's like build relationship, that's a resume and I don't like it. So anyway, so I realized that bolimia was a sin, and I realized in that moment, I'm trusting tons of things other than God. And I will say, on the other side of my eating disorder, that's still the plumb line. That's still the test for me. What am I trusting right now more than I'm trusting in God. I'll give you a current example. I don't have an acting job right now. This is I have four kids. This is the first time since I've ever had kids that I've not had a contract, I've not had jobs lined up. This is the first time I'm not a series regular. This is the first time I'm not under contract to a specific network, and it's a little bit scary. And at the same time I'm like, well, that's dumb, Jen, Like, why are you worried? Jesus said, who can add a moment to their life by worrying? Jesus said, seek first the Kingdom of God and it's righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Jesus says, we're worth more than the sparrows and the pharaoh's. Yeah, spirits, since and we are worth more than the pharaoh's so the sparrows, and we're yeah, yeah, exactly, thank you. We're worth more than not to him, like, and he says like, don't be like the unrighteous, Like that's a pagan thing to worry about what you'll wear, what you eat, what you eat. Don't you know I'm a good father, Like don't you know your father in heaven is going to provide for you. And also no one's ever been like there are so many promises in the Bible. If you take care of widows and orphans, which is like life with an m O. God's not gonna like withhold from you. He's not going to be like, sucker, you should not have given that large of a donation. Gotchas, you know. But it was like I was in prayer and I was like and I had to ask myself, like right, I was feeling a little anxious about it, like like what are we going to do? Lord? Like where you know? And He's just like, don't you want to be in my perfect will? Like I got plans for you, Like I'm not gonna make I'm gonna make sure your kids have food, you can pay your electric bill, Like, don't worry. What are you trusting right now? Ye, You're trusting your own ability to hustle over me providing for you. That's dumb, you know. So I use this test for everything. But in that sermon, I was sitting there and I was like, man, I'm trusting I'm trusting that by have an Indian disorder, all stay thin. I'm trusting the lie that my metabolism is wrecked. I'm trusting that by being thin, I don't have a career, you know, I'm trusting all this garbage. I'm trusting garbage. And so I wasn't immediately healed, but I remember going home and thinking about it and being like I remember in that moment being like, all right, I'm not going to throw up anymore.

00:43:00
Speaker 3: Of course I did, guys, of course I did for a while.

00:43:03
Speaker 1: That I hadn't told my husband so because I believed that my husband would leave me, like I one hundred percent pretty much everybody had ever told I have an eating disorder, they had a very bad reaction, or they kind of just abandoned me on the play in some way, fashion or form. And my husband's very godly, which is why his reaction was amazing. But I just thought, like, he's gonna think, like, who's this sham spirit filled girl who says she loves you? This? Like these are the lies When you are in a shame cycle. The Bible says that like the enemy, like Satan, comes as an accuser. He comes to steal, kill, and destroy. The difference between conviction and shame is that conviction which some people mislabel as guilt, that guilty feeling you would have. If it's from the Holy Spirit, it's called conviction, and it always brings about change. Because great doesn't mean the ability the free will to do anything. Grace actually means empowerment. God will ask you to do something and then he will empower you to do it. You have to meet him halfway. Most of the time, there are exceptions. There are so many miraculous exceptions where like you didn't do anything and he just did it, you know, and that's awesome. Salvation is one of those. But I I really thought, like my husband's gonna leave me, Like he's gonna be so upset that like I've lied to him all these years. He's not gonna he's gonna feel like I'm not saved. He's gonna all these lies that, like I believed. It's because if you feel guilt, then it condemns you and it doesn't bring about change. That's called shame. That's from the enemy. Yeah, so I kept trying to do it on my own without telling my husband. But he's so sweet and he would be like he worked for free to la and he'd.

00:44:54
Speaker 4: Be bringing me back like bags of Cheetahs'd be like I got your favorite or like yards of peanut butter or like ice creamy up, because he was like he knew like all my favorite binge shoes, and so to be sweet, he'd be like.

00:45:06
Speaker 1: Look I got you and I'd be like, ah, like you know that like I can't. I can't handle that right now. Yeah, I just got to a point where I would repent and then like I would freak out. I would ask myself, like here's how I walked up my repentance. I would constantly ask myself, what am I trusting more now than I'm trusting in God? Yeah, but I got to a point where I'm so frustrated, where I was like, Lord, I'm so close, Like I'm so close. I actually really want you more than I want this eating disorder. And as much as I love my acting career, like Lord, even if that ends because I'm fat and I don't get jobs again, it's a lie. I'm trusting there are many bigger actors who work and who care. Like who cares doesn't even matter, you know. I finally told my husband I was like, got my going to leave me? I had made up the decision, just thinking, all right, this is the day that like, my husband's going to leave me. But I'd rather be single and free and living in the Lord than like stuck in this prison. I can't. I can't do one more day like this. So remember I sat on my bed and I told my husband, like I've been bliinic. I've been struggling with bolimia for this long and my husband, who loves his grandfather but did not even cry when his grandfather died, Like this is a man that does not cry, burst into tears. And he said, I'm so sorry. That was his first words. I'm so sorry. I had no idea, Like how long has this been going on? I feel like such an idiot. And I'm like, you didn't know. I'm so good at hiding it. I've been hiding and since I was seventeen, like and so he just to me like he had the Jesus reaction, like Jesus always runs twit brokenness. I told him every bit of my habits because it was basically like even though I didn't want to write, it was like, because there's that part of the control that's like I do want the option to be able to retreat back into this if I get fat or something, and I only these are like, these are like the arguments you're having at the time. And I was like, no, no, no, I gotta just I gotta just just expose it. I got to expose all my life. I got to expose all of it. I gotta put all of it in the light so that it cannot creep back into the darkness, because things lose power when you put them in the light. So I told him, like, when you see this every time I'm showering at night, Like I am showering, but what I'm in there is like I'm not taking long showers. I'm taking two minute showers. I'm in there like throwing up. But before I'm throwing up, I'm doing this, you know, because I don't want to throw up, and I'm mad at myself for like doing this. I'm shame cycling myself. If you see this, this is this. If you see this, this is this is how this is. Those are all the things that I do. The last thing I'll say is that during my recovery, I think I'd not been balimic for like a good six months or something like a good six months to a year, So I've already like hit that pattern after twenty eight days. I think your body it's like twenty eight or twenty one days for your body to like create a new brain pathway pattern and well beyond that. So stupid, but hopefully encouraged somebody because it's true. I remember I ate a snack back snack bag size of Cheetos, and I was sitting on my couch and I started freaking out because I was like, I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have done that, Like I'm gonna I'm gonna get fat, like I don't know. All the old lies came back up, like this is too many calories, this like this has no nutritional value, like this is so bad. And I remember hearing the Holy Spirit in my spirit immediately say to me, like so gently, so kind, do you trust me? And I was like yeah, like Lord, I do trust you, but I'm freaking out. Guys who can tell God, you're freaking out? He knows there is nothing that we can think or do that we could ever hide from him. He can read our thoughts, he can read all of it, like we're not that smart. And he said, do you trust me? And so I remember I went to bed that night being like I told Jason. So I ran and told Jason, my husband. I was like, I'm freaking out. I had a batic Cheetos. But I am going to trust, Like the Lord asked me, if I trust him, I'm going to trust. Hi'm gona go to bed right now. But I'm freaking out, so like, just can you just like just make sure I don't get up and like go throw up. He's like sure, So I go to bed. I wake up the next morning, and I weighed myself, which I don't do anymore. And out of the kindness of the Lord. And this is not like a formula, it's just the kindness of the Lord, I had like lost two pounds and I heard the Lord when I remember when I saw the number, and I heard the Lord say, see, you can trust me. I know what you're scared of. Just keep walking this out with me. So it's amazing now because I'm probably like seven solid, solid years, but like going on nine years of recovery. I remember the first two years Thanksgiving and Christmas, I definitely purged. But I'm seven years, like solid solid, and it's interesting because now I can, like very much eat the holiday cookies or cheesecake or you know things I love, and I can eat them in moderation. First of all, I'm no no longer a member of the clean plate club. That took me a long time to you know break like children in China and Africa are not star you know, like save your leftovers, like, don't enforce it. That's a lot of where my eating disorder kind of was like grown into as well, was like being a clean plate club member and then feeling awful. But it's crazy to me that, like I don't ever think like I should go throw up. Yeah, I'm never. Never, in my wildest dreams during recovery thought I would get here.

00:51:03
Speaker 2: Yeah.

00:51:04
Speaker 1: I just thought it would be a daily decision for the rest of my life. Yeah, so I've talked to this whole interview. Sorry, guys, my voice is I know it's annoying, not at all, Oh, Jen, well it is, my voice is annoying.

00:51:17
Speaker 2: Actually, No, it's amazing. I love that you shared all that with the authenticity that you did. Thank you for sharing your story and I know it's going to touch someone. You also wrote an amazing book and I don't want to leave that out. It's called Wake Up your Faith. And here's the connection I'm seeing, Like, this is what you discover, this is what you just shared, This is like what my ministry is about. It's like these issues of food and body, they're not about food or body, They're about what we're trusting in, Like what's our faith really. In fact, I'm writing a new book on faith because of that. Because in all of my coaching, like that's where we always come to you. It was like, well, what do you really believe? Like do you really believe that you're valuable only because of your you know, body size, or like what do you really believe? And so many of my women have all the gotten Jesus answers like you and I did right, Like we know the truth and we believe the truth, and yet walking in the truth is much more difficult. But I love that you wrote this book, Wake Up Your Faith. I've read many days of it. It's so good, Jen, it's so good, it's so fun. I highly encourage you listeners watchers grab this book. It'll just encourage you day by day.

00:52:37
Speaker 1: So it's daily devotional is what it is, so especially so you can read. Yeah, yeah, it's so good.

00:52:44
Speaker 2: So check this book out. And Jen, thank you so much for being on the show today and thank you for watching or listening. I hope something today is helped to stop comparing and start living by compared to show, It's prod to be part of the Life Audio Podcast Network for more great Christian podcast but a Life Audio Hey, friend, would you check out the date on that episode you just listened to? Yeah, it's been a minute. Listening to old podcast is almost like reading my diary from several years ago. In some cases, it's even a little embarrassing. So instead of listening straight through season by season, can I encourage you to skip ahead? I released brand new episodes every Tuesday and Friday, and if you're not sure where to start, you can go to improvebody image dot com find the start here button, and I've got several episodes listed and categorized so you can find the topics that are of most interest to you. Your time is valuable, so skip straight to the good stuff. I'm glad you're here. Thanks for letting me be a part of your body image and food freedom journey.