Let's Acknowledge Our Growth from a Toxic Divorce

Hi everyone, and welcome to the Music of Life. I'm your host, Karen Portnoy. Before I get into this episode, please comment, ask questions, share some of your experiences, and don't forget to subscribe. Hi everyone, and welcome back. I wanted to start off by asking if you have noticed or acknowledged growth during or after your toxic divorce. I know it's really hard to do while you're in the thick of it because so much of us are going through so much emotional turmoil. Some of us are dealing with high conflict spouses, and it's really hard to kind of regulate yourself. I've been very open throughout this podcast and even on social media that I was highly dysregulated emotionally. I spiraled out of control. I was highly reactive. It was a mess. It was terrible. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, but at the same time, I was also very aware that God, the universe, creator, source, whatever you call that power bigger than yourself, I call it God. But I was very aware in real time that God was deconstructing me at that time, at that moment when I was I didn't recognize myself anymore. I I felt like I was coming apart at the seams, and it was designed to happen that way from my ex-husband and also from the universe. So, I began a very intense healing journey at that time because I was aware that this was not who I was, not who I wanted to be. It was very unsettling to really not have a grip on what was happening and how it was affecting me. By nature, I'm a very calm person. I don't like conflict. I don't like arguing and screaming and going back and forth like that. But that's exactly what the bulk of my marriage was. So it was even harder, you know, when you when you're dealing with something like that in your marriage, you can only imagine how much worse and more intense it becomes once you divorce, and there were things about my divorce that I could never have expected. I guess looking back, I mean hindsight's always 2020, but you know, I could have predicted it, but I didn't, and there were things that unfolded in my divorce that were literally shocking to me, and not in a good way. But what I found in starting a very intense healing journey at that time, which I don't think many people do. I mean, there was a lot of abuse going on in my divorce, and I will just say that healing at the same time you're being abused is something very rare and very not easy and not common. But I was determined. I was determined to get myself back to a place that I recognized, and so there was self-imposed growth that I just was very determined. That I was, you know, I've said this before that I was my three pillars of truth. That somehow I I I lived my life by at that time, but I was not going to let him break me. I was not going to let him crush my spirit. I was not going to let him close my heart. And because of those three things, like those were like the last things that I could grab onto about myself. Everything else was just falling apart around me. So to get on this healing journey and face my shadows, face my wounds, face my traumas, face everything, it was very intense. Fortunately, I was living in an environment at that point where I could be in isolation, I could heal. I could be in nature. I was safe. It, you know, my nervous system started to, you know, it took many, many months, but my nervous system was finally starting to regulate and realize that it was safe for me to rest and things like that, which definitely was not the case during my divorce. But as I started healing, and as I started recognizing the things that you know I contributed to the demise of my marriage, and I won't get into that whole thing because that's a whole other that's a whole other episode. But I got to see growth in real time. And you know anything that is lasting change, any kind of growth that's going to be lasting takes time, and sometimes a long time, depending on how much work you have to do to get there. Hey, I just want to take a minute and tell you about the divorce mentorship program that I created. It's called becoming whole again, and I created it mostly for women who are either considering divorcing their toxic spouse, or they're in the middle of a toxic divorce, or they're on the other side of a toxic divorce. At any stage that you're dealing with the emotional fallout from a horrific toxic divorce. You know what I mean. The texts, the triggers, the berating, the harassment, the threats, all those things. I've been there, and I know what you're going through. This isn't therapy. I promise. This is real, hands-on support from somebody who has been where you are. I survived it, I thrived from it, and I've actually transformed from it. And along the way, I've gained so much wisdom from a spiritual healing journey that I am so happy to share with you and help you. It's not about fixing you. It's not about telling you what to do. It's about guiding you and guiding you back to yourself. There are so many people out there who need this. I promise you. I hear from them daily. Thank you for your support and thank you for listening. Okay, now back to the show. And it was interesting to watch it unfold in real time over time, and there was no rush. It's not like I was in any rush to like you know get it all done overnight. I mean that doesn't happen. Anything worth doing is worth having it last. So I was aware of growth at this at the time that it was happening, which was kind of magical, kind of amazing, because I don't remember seeing that kind of intense growth right in front of me, where I could acknowledge it and say, "Wow, you did that," but I did that with God. But you know, it was a partnership. So I think a lot of what a lot of people miss is that you know when you grow through something so painful as a toxic divorce, two things really happen during that time. One is that you're able to put distance between your current time and the past. So the more you grow, the further away you go from your past, and that's cool because you don't want to live in your past. And the second thing is, is that once you grow, once you learn a lesson, you overcome a challenge, you heal an issue, whatever it is. You broke a generational cycle from, you know, ancestors and and people in your family line who pass down wounds and pain that they never healed, but they pass it down to future generations, and people keep passing it down until somebody is born into a family where they are the black sheep, and they're the ones to take it on head on, and heal it, so that future generations don't have to go through it. I was that person in my family, and so number two was that once you learn these things, you can't unlearn them. You can't go backwards, so you just take it forward with you, so that when you grow, you grow more because you have this capacity now that you didn't have before, and it propels you forward. And the example I always like to use is that you know you work really really hard on inner work spirituality psychology whatever you want to use for this example you climb the top of a mountain and you stand at the top and you're so proud of yourself and you're so accomplished and you're so impressed and you know you feel so good about yourself but then where do you go from there? And it it turns out that you know once you get to the top of one mountain, now you're at the foot of the next mountain. So our inner work is never done. Our healing work takes a lifetime to accomplish. And you know, by the time we're ready to cross over, there's there's always more healing to do as a soul. So so my point is, is that when you get to the top of the first mountain and you're about to embark at the foot of the next mountain, you don't lose all the stuff that you learned and gained and and grew from from the first mountain. You take all that wisdom and knowledge and experience and and. All of that, and you take that with you to the next mountain. So, it's like this is why it's a lifelong journey. It's not something that happens overnight. It's not you know neat in a little box. Like sometimes it's very messy, sometimes it's confusing, and you're constantly searching for clarity and understanding. But you're always moving forward, and that's the whole point. Anyway, my point of this whole thing is to just say, let's start acknowledging the growth that we have made in our lives in whatever capacity. There's no judgment. It's it's whatever means something to you. Let's acknowledge it to ourselves. gives our give ourselves grace and forgiveness and understanding and compassion more than anything because this stuff this shit ain't easy. So I applaud anyone who is on a spiritual healing journey or any kind of healing journey that makes you the best version of yourself and the best person you can be, and I'm going to end on that note. I'm going to wrap it up. Have a great week, everyone! Thank you for being here. Thanks for listening and always supporting me. Take care. Please join me every Thursday for a new episode. You can reach me on my website, which is podpage.com/themusicolife, you can leave me a voicemail, a text message. You can leave your contact information if you want to be anonymous. No problem. I promise to honor that. And you can also find all of my social media platforms there as well, which is Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, and LinkedIn. Thanks again. I'll see you next week.