Rising After Divorce: Healing, Resilience & New Beginnings with Dr. JC Doornick

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome to another episode of Bent Not Broken. Heartbreak and trauma may feel like the end of your story, but here it's the beginning of a bold new chapter. I'm your host, Coach Deborah Griffiths, and this is the space where women rise, rebuild, and rediscover their purpose. Remember this truth. You are bent, not broken. I am so excited today to welcome my next guest. Not only is he a friend, but he's a father. He's a mentor. He is the founder of Make Sense Academy. He's a podcaster of the highly rated Make Sense Podcast. He's an author, entrepreneur, and health transformation coach. Welcome, Dr. JC Dornack. Hi, JC. Thank you so much for being here today.

SPEAKER_00 1:01

Man, I wish I could bring you around with me everywhere I go and just have you introduce me to people.

SPEAKER_01 1:07

I would love to. You're all around great guys. Should add that as the as the caveat to the end. I really do appreciate you being here. As you know, we're gonna talk about a tough subject for a lot of people. And it's one thing we both share. We both of one of the many things we have in common. We do, we both have been through a divorce. And you know, I'd like for you to tell the listeners today a little bit about your divorce story and maybe what was the turning point for you?

SPEAKER_00 1:43

Turning point as far as like what what made me want a divorce or type of Yeah, what was it that you realized this was the end of the marriage and you needed to make a change? I think what's interesting, first of all, it's an honor and a privilege to be here. Thank you at the uh at the precipice of what will be one day the most popular podcast that's ever been on the airway. So thank you.

SPEAKER_01 2:09

I appreciate it.

SPEAKER_00 2:10

Honored, you know. Don't forget me when you're a big shot.

SPEAKER_01 2:13

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 2:14

So what's interesting about divorce is is before I just jump in and talk about that, I think it's important to talk about why you got married. Because technically that there must have been a mistake there, right? So I come from a divorced set of parents, and so what I knew was that my dad was never home, and there was always, you know, like background talk. I was a little too young to understand it, but background talk that he was not alone, but somewhere else, if you know what I mean. And you know, my mother was always upset, and you know, my mother kind of raised herself, raised us by herself, but at that age, you're it's very easy to forgive your father and just assume oh, he's just working and he loves us anyway and stuff. But when they get divorced, that's when you know the first wound hits and you start to imprint some ideas about marriage. I went through a long, you know, length of time where I kind of like resented my dad because I realized that he was the one that kind of failed, right? My mom didn't want a divorce, so I kind of went through this phase where I was felt bad for my mom. And I didn't know. I listen, I was just a kid, you know. I think I was 11 when my parents got divorced. Very, very traumatic time. I was able to just pretend it didn't happen, but because I was too young to really absorb it. But I began the process of tagging and labeling my father as who I didn't want to be. So that being said, you know, I started to get this idea that when I get married, I'm never gonna get divorced. So what's interesting about that? I mean, that's kind of a naive thing to be able to say. I mean, it's it's hopeful, but what's interesting about that, and I I, as you know, I'm very into human behavior, is I started to design the person that I wanted to marry less in the uh idea of somebody that I truly loved and more in the idea of who would be a good wife. So that's where I yeah, that was the first thing I did wrong. Like I, and my idea was to find somebody that was completely not like anybody in my family because I just associated that that would be a disaster, right? The girl that I decided to marry with it was a friend of mine, and you know, we were friends from school, and you know, there was a little bit of serendipitous kind of synchronistic things like we ended up going to the same college, we ended up going to Atlanta together and things like that. So it just I kind of bought into the idea that oh my god, I'm gonna marry my friend, you know, and this is so this is so great. And she came from a family that didn't have any divorce in it and stuff. So that's probably why I married her. I mean, like on paper, it was a good idea, so it seemed easy, it was comfortable. Well, it was easy, it more I would say more safe than okay, you know. So what I didn't know, because I also had this idea in my head that you didn't need to be like in love to get married, because what I knew about love is that doesn't last forever, and it causes a lot of hurt and pain. Yeah, that there's that too. So I didn't have anything that I didn't put a lot of weight on the importance of having like chemistry and love and things like that. I just said, hey, this is a great woman, comes from a good family, and uh we'll have she's an athlete and we'll have healthy kids and all of that stuff. So now back to your other question, you know, where I started to realize that we were not like each other. I was very, very much into travel and adventure and a little bit of living in a little bit of an extreme lifestyle, you know, whether it was skiing or going to different countries. I was doing humanitarian work in in Haiti and stuff like that. So here I am chasing this big life. And, you know, I built a chiropractic practice and everything. And I just, I guess the only thing I can tell you is I started coming home and feeling her resenting me for never being home. Which I didn't think I was doing anything wrong because I would always say, Hey, you want to come with me, but that's not what she wanted. You know, she wanted to make a home, she wanted a white picket fence and all that stuff. So that was the first sign that, like, uh oh. But in my brain, I'm never getting divorced. So, you know, we're just gonna deal with it. So we never had, and there were some other differences. I was not somebody I knew I didn't party. I mean, I did in college and stuff, but later on in life, I I was, you know, I didn't like drink and things like that. And she did a little bit of that. So, well, there was just so many things that that just said were different. And so I went through all of these years of just saying it doesn't matter, you know, it is what it is. This is who you're married to, you're never getting divorced. You know, that's the tough part about a marriage, is and I'm and I'm somebody that had a high regard for women, you know, in the sense that I saw my mom not be really treated well. So I made a point to like honor this woman and try to do the best that I could, um, especially in the eyes of my kids, because I had trauma from what I had seen, right? So that's it. You know, we just I guess society would say we were kind of growing apart, and you know, there wasn't much intimacy and things like that. And it was, it just became kind of like work. You know what I mean? And I think we probably both resented each other in a way. I think her stance, from what I understood, because we we went to therapy and stuff, she began thinking like, I don't want this. What happened to you? I thought, you know, this is not what I beg your pardon, you know. I never promised you a rose garden. You know, that's what that's what I was thinking. Like, but she was saying, yes, you did. I knew that I was coming to well, first of all, there was no intimacy. That was one thing, and I knew that that that's probably not a good idea. I started to feel bad that I was starving her from getting what she wanted. So there was some guilt involved and stuff like that. And for the first time, you know, I never I never like went around and cheated and stuff, but I started to notice people, you know, for the first time. And and I didn't feel good about that. So I guess what the turning point for me was a little bit of feeling bad that I was starving her from having something meaningful. I didn't want my boys to grow up knowing that their dad and mom were not really in love and he just put up with it and stuff. I wanted to try to teach them some values. I don't know, that's a very confusing thing with the kids.

SPEAKER_01 10:01

Um it is, it is.

SPEAKER_00 10:03

Yeah, so I think the turning point for me was that uh I realized that I wasn't getting any younger, and neither was sh was she. And I didn't ask for a divorce so that I could be with somebody else. I almost did so that she could. And that's a very strange thing. I remember I had a mentor that laid it to me very straight one time, as he used to. He said, I said, How do you know if it's time to get a divorce? And he's a little bit of a crazy guy. And the way he put it was, well, you know what happens after she gets after you divorce? I go, what? He goes, she's gonna get in the greatest shape of her life and start being with other men. Are you okay with that? And I remember saying, I think I am. He goes, You're ready for a divorce. Yeah, so you know, we were never at odds, although she resented me, I think, because I was living this extraordinary life and leaving her home with the kids sometimes and stuff. Even when I worked, I would work from early morning to night in the practice. It just got to this place where we weren't happy.

SPEAKER_01 11:16

So what you thought was safe and easy, and that you were compatible, ended up proving that it that it wasn't because it was missing that key ingredient.

SPEAKER_00 11:31

Well, she wasn't as my mom said, my mom liked her very much, but she goes, She's not one of us. Yeah. We're not like that. This family that you're what you thought was safe is too safe for you.

SPEAKER_01 11:53

That makes a lot of sense. And then we've heard the term, you know, opposites attract, and sometimes we think that attraction will manifest itself and and last, but sometimes it doesn't. Right. That's the key. So how many children did the marriage produce? And and how how how did they take the divorce?

SPEAKER_00 12:14

It's so interesting to think about a marriage like a factory that's produced. This marriage produced two kids. Um, so we had we two the the greatest boys, and um they are flourishing. One thing that I I made a point to do was allow, I never had the opportunity to talk to my dad about what happened.

SPEAKER_01 12:38

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 12:39

So I tried, you know, when they're young, they're young. I mean, they were they were pretty young. They were like uh like five and seven. Okay. When we got divorced, and which I was dreading, you know. I mean, like, oh my God, I just that was the worst part about it, is that I was failing them, and I had this trauma of resenting my dad and thinking he he had failed us. So I had built up this whole thing in my head about like that was the end of my life, telling my boys that sorry, but I'm I'm a sucker. I'm a shitty dad, you know. I probably did when I was 11 when my parents told me, they just kind of said, okay, like they didn't know they didn't know what it was. They they were so used to me traveling and stuff, they didn't get the idea that I was going to live somebody where else. And, you know, we did everything in our power, we her and I, because we really did put the kids first, um, to make sure that the kids knew that their mother was the highest priority. It's not that I was less, but I always made sure that they understand that she is the highest. And I, you know, but we still love you. This is not your fault. And I and we would just really make sure that we were co-parenting. And look, it, you know, everybody says, Oh my god, this is like a perfect situation. Yeah, it was it was very, very difficult. Um, there was a lot of resentment, and then there's the whole money problems and all of that stuff associated with it. I don't recommend it to anybody unless you're a hundred percent sure, because it's there's no, this is about the cleanest divorce you'll ever see, and it was still very, very difficult. But what I made sure of is that they had an open channel to ask any questions about it, that there were no lies and things like that, and deceit, and you know, and once again, I just made sure that they saw me honoring I I waited a while before I had like a girlfriend and things like that. And consequently, she ended up falling in love with a guy that she knew from when she was younger, and you know, she's still with him, and we're all friends, and it worked out for her in a sense, but it was probably very difficult at the time as well.

SPEAKER_01 15:06

Oh, I'm yeah, I'm sure. And you're right, this is probably one of the cleanest divorce stories I've ever heard, and that certainly wasn't my experience, but you know, kudos to you. Yeah, kudos to you because you said something that really resonated with me, and I think it is so important for both either the mother and the father is not to bad mouth the other parent to the child. You know, it's hard enough when you break break up the family unit as as it is.

SPEAKER_00 15:39

That's that's forever damaging.

SPEAKER_01 15:41

It it is, and even like you said, it's even difficult under the cleanest of situations. But I think that's a a point. And and is that easy to do? No. Like you said, money issues come up. Uh, maybe a parent misses their visitation, something comes up in their schedule, it throws off your, you know, your parenting schedule. So it's easy to get the have those underlying frustrations, but you know, you you always have to try to take the high road, I believe, you know, when raising your kids. Again, easier said than done.

SPEAKER_00 16:16

I'll say one thing though. I know that on your show, you're probably gonna have very different examples of this, um, you know, domestic violence and things like that. So I will say that this is, and this comes at the expense of all these years of personal growth and self-development I had done, and I had I had great mentors and things like that. So I did not do this alone. Like I had a solid foundation of knowing what was right and what was wrong. And I also thank my parents for screwing up so badly to show me what not to do. But what I was gonna say is the concept of domestic violence, like I I never understood how like a man could strike a woman or do something so terrible like these stories that you hear. But I do understand how that could happen if there's no open communication. And because even in my situation, there were times where things would happen where my my knee-jerk reflex was, what the, you know, like you know, like I we would be at odds on something. So had we not had the ability to both put the kids first and not only not talk bad about each other, but talk good about each other. So we had, I just want everybody to understand that when you see a marriage not work and people become at odds, they're unconscious. Like they don't know how bad they're screwing up the kids, and they also just don't know, they don't have communication skills, they're just reacting rather than responding. So, as you know, because we we've worked together, that's my whole thing is teaching people how to think for a second before they respond. So if I had let my knee-jerk reflex lead the way, I could see how you could go down a path of hating each other. So I don't acknowledge or justify or advocate for domestic violence, of course, but I kind of understand that it is a result of people not doing too much work on themselves.

SPEAKER_01 18:40

I think that's a valid, a valid point. Valid, valid point. What was the hardest part of navigating life after the divorce for you?

SPEAKER_00 18:51

Uh guilt. You know, like when you feel that you were the one that created this problem, you go into this mode where you don't do anything for yourself. Or at least that's the way I reacted. And I devoted my whole life to not only the kids and making sure that they were loved and happy, but also to my ex-wife. I gave her way more money than I probably needed to, which was stupid because you know I was making great money, but then that changed, and then I was broke, you know. So I that it was a very unhealthy time for me because I felt so guilty that I tried to fix that by like spending every second of my day trying to make her and them happy. And I forgot about myself. So it was a very, very stressful time, a lot of anxiety, but also a lot of like just unhealthy, lonely living. And when I would go out and try to date and things like that, I just failed miserably at that, you know, just because I didn't let anybody into my life because I didn't, I didn't want to harm the the this thing that I was trying to mend, you know. So yeah, many years of guilt and bad sleep and not liking myself very much, you know.

SPEAKER_01 20:23

So what steps did you take to begin working on yourself and helping yourself through this process? It's a very painful process. Yeah, very your feelings are very valid. I think a lot of people, myself included, you know, you feel that guilt and you internalize, and many times we resort to developing unhealthy habits, like overeating or drinking or so whatever.

SPEAKER_00 20:52

This is kind of there's two things at play there. You know, I I, as you know, for almost 20 years, I've been a health transformation coach, and um that came as in a as a result of me getting starting with my physical health. If you don't like yourself and you don't like your situation and you're depressed and you have anxiety, you're typically feeling out of control. So the first thing that I did was take control of something that wasn't my control, and that was my health. I lost 80 pounds. I put hydration and nutrition and exercise and meditation, and I started to read. And I just, like I said, I took control of the things that I could control and I began learning how to release from the things that I couldn't, like my circumstances when it came to other people. So that's the number one thing that I would say to everybody is that no matter what your situation is, you are always going to be at an advantage if you begin with your health your physical health because i my saying is is on a healthy body rests a healthy mind so that started to make me and as you know i i all this work that i do in this system called the interface response system it's all about me learning how to handle adversity and and change the way i look at things so i that's what i needed to do is i needed to change the way i was looking at this because the way i was looking at it was making me feel terrible so i started with my physical health that woke me up i started seeing things differently and you know i would say the number one thing breakthrough that i made was that i was telling myself this story that wasn't true you know it wasn't true i i was making up this whole story probably because i didn't like myself very much i was like putting myself down so i started to realize that i could write my own story i could i i had choices and things like that and what was interesting is that all of the things that i thought that these people cared about to find that they didn't even think about them i was the only one you know thinking about all these terrible thoughts that i had done wrong and all of that stuff you know that's what i've devoted my life to now is teaching people how to how to do that you know with this system but that's how I did it you know I I started with my physical you can't skip physical if somebody's if you're having an emotional struggle in life and you're overwhelmed depressed anxious all of that stuff you cannot move forward until you take control of your health I mean I've I've seen many many people try to do it that's got to be paramount because it's on a healthy body that a healthy healthy mind rests you can't skip it you might get a little bit of results and you might convince yourself into something but if you don't like who you see in the mirror and you don't feel good about yourself it's a it's it's tough. So that's the first step and then along the way things clear up things clear up and the the weather starts to pass.

SPEAKER_01 24:18

Yes that fog lifts right right and it all it entails our mind our body and our spirit where it's all intertwined and when one thing is out of balance everything becomes out of balance so I I love that that you know get your what focus on what you can control and you can control what you put in your mouth so you know and what and what comes and what comes out if you very true very true very true did you have a person or or or maybe uh you know who was your biggest source of support that you relied on through all of this wow or maybe it's not a who it's a what I would say no I mean I did get spiritual but I don't know you know there was a lot of shame associated with it so I kind of kept it to myself like the only people that are really out there for you are the people that are divorced and they're a little bit of a mess right the people my some my good friends that were in marriages their wives didn't want them to talk to me anymore.

SPEAKER_00 25:34

So I you know it's like you you become this person like I lost a lot of friends. Yeah yeah that happens that probably was something that caused me to start dating like I wasn't looking for a wife or a girlfriend but I was I I remember during the dating years before I met the love of my life I remember what I was really trying to find was somebody that cared about me. So I felt like I wasn't alone so that never worked but that's what I was looking for whenever I I dated somebody you know my friends would be like what are you doing with that person and I'd be like she's crazy about me you know and that's all I was looking for was somebody that made me feel like I was not going through life alone companionship okay but yeah I never had a I never had a mentor through that okay most of my mentors were divorced you know so they they helped me figure that part out of it but yeah I didn't I didn't have uh it was it was an alone time which is not fun that's not fun to uh you know my the the company that I worked with was projecting this shiny happy people family nobody gets divorced Christian and all of that stuff and I was like oof god that's not even close to me and yeah they I was I had a very busy speaking schedule and I was like one of the primary people on this big stages in front of thousands of people with my company and when we got divorced they took me off the lineup because they were worried about that and what's interesting about that is I said to them I go you guys are projecting like a completely unrealistic life I go at least 50 60% of that audience is divorced I promise you so when they let me finally come back on stage and speak the truth the crowd all was like thank god finally somebody's telling the truth you know so it's unfortunate but you know I would say most most marriages do end in divorce they do and then sometimes I think when you fail at a marriage you feel like you you walk around life wearing that scarlet letter and and it it may be temporary but there is life after divorce and I'd like to shift to this next question because you mentioned love and dating so how has your perspective on love dating and relationship shifted since your divorce well I mean you're talking to me now after I've been seven years with the you know everybody calls me the dragon so my wife they know is the chicken and when you find somebody that is truly the one for you they could do no wrong that's what's interesting like anything like bad breath body odor or saying something wrong or making mistakes like when you really really love somebody and they love you back nothing can stop it. You know I I would say that if for anybody out there that's saying well how do you find that you can't find it you can attract it and welcome it but you can't find it so you know the the song is uh what is it how's the song go? Looking for love in all the wrong places yeah kind of there's no song that says there's no song that says looking for love in all the right places. I don't think you can look for love. I think you can be become open to it but every story you hear very much like mine is you it's when you give up and you just say I'm gonna be just happy on my own and I'm gonna work on the things that matter most my health my children my work thinking that you're giving up on dating but what you don't know is you just made yourself attractive. You made yourself the priority for your healing and and but also that's that's what creates a magnetic attraction for the one that's that's what I'm trying to say is anybody out there on the waves you know right now there is somebody you might be with them but there is somebody for you I believe I really do but the question is is are you going to allow them to find you and the way that you do is to work on yourself and release from trying to find you don't know who is right for you obviously so when this person shows up like when chicken showed up in my life she didn't look like anything I she's from South Africa. I mean like I I never you know I didn't even know where South Africa was I knew it was in Africa but it's not so I know that the only reason her and I met is because I stopped trying to find somebody and I just prioritized the things that mattered most and then boom it just comes out of new door.

SPEAKER_01 30:52

I love that I and I think it's so true. I think what you just said is so true. So what is one piece of advice you'd give to someone listening right now who's right in the middle of a divorce the first thing you know I would say either way you look at it I'm not gonna sugarcoat it it sucks you know I hope it doesn't suck a lot for you but even in a situation like mine like you heard it it's still gonna suck.

SPEAKER_00 31:22

So you have to you have to not get attached to like this idea that it's going to be over because I mean like we're divorced many many many years and it's still there's still residuals of it. So don't get so caught up in like getting through it because you never really get through a divorce that's one thing that I would say but the catastrophe that you're and the pending doom of it and all of that stuff like anything else like the clouds in the sky the weather it's gonna pass this too shall pass. And that's a hard one when you're in it and you're in its grip you don't think it's ever going to end and there's just one thing after another and whether it's money and family and friends and you know visitation issues kids have problems and all that stuff yeah we didn't really have any problems with the visitation issues because we did what was right for the kids but it never ends it never ends if you know that for the most part it is true that life sucks and then you die you might as well learn how to enjoy the suck and look at it kind of as a training ground and I mean like if you can't learn how to have a good day on a bad day then you're gonna have a bad life so very true this is what I'm so passionate about in the Make Sense Academy is helping people learn how to change the way they look at things. If you change the way you look at things the things you look at change. So if you don't like the way things look in your life then you need to not try to get rid of those things you just have to change the way you look at them. So that's everything right there. You know I remember just saying oh God if we could just get the paperwork done and then I and if I just move into this place and it's like that it here I am years and years later it's it never ends. So learn how to have a good day on a bad day by changing the way you look at things.

SPEAKER_01 33:37

I love that I love that JC thank you so much for being a guest I've enjoyed this conversation um if someone wants to know more about you or the Make Sense Academy or you know listen to your Make Sense podcast how what's the best way they can get a hold of you and I'll be sure to put everything in the show notes.

SPEAKER_00 33:59

Just go get a big spotlight and shine a dragon up in the sky and I will come to you.

SPEAKER_01 34:06

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 34:06

All right we don't need Batman we just we just need the dragon you can uh I'm sure you'll have have some links but you can follow me on Instagram at drjcdornick and you can look up the Make Sense with Dr. JC podcast and you can't miss it because it's just a yellow box with these black glasses with no rims in them or no no sh no lenses in them and uh you can find out everything about that uh makes sense academy is my passion project it's something that I wanted to make an environment where people could get you know coaching mentoring and a lot of really really cool deep self-work and and personal growth but not have to pay exorbitant amounts of money so as you know you know that's what makes Makesense Academy so special is that it's something that like anybody even a like a college student could afford and that's because it's in a group environment.

SPEAKER_01 35:09

So if anybody is interested in checking that out we offer a seven day free trial excellent and I do actually recommend it I'm in the academy myself we're very lucky to have her thank you thank you uh no it's very much worthwhile and there is a lot to be said about changing the way we look at ourselves and life in general thank you for listening to today's episode of Bent Not Broken I hope that this episode reminded you that even through life's toughest moments you are bent not broken. If this message inspired you please share rate review and subscribe as it helps us reach more women who are ready to rise and rebuild. And until next time keep living bold and walking in your purpose