From Silenced to Strong: Healing, Entrepreneurship, and Finding Your Voice After Divorce

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome to another episode of Bent Not Broken. Heartbreak and trauma may feel like the end of your story, but here it's the beginning of a bold new chapter. I'm your host, Coach Deborah Griffiths, and this is the space where women rise, rebuild, and rediscover their purpose. Remember this truth. You are bet, not broken. Today's guest is Kira Hartley, a self-starter, entrepreneur, and author whose journey proves it's never too late to reinvent your life. What began as a small business to support her family grew into best-selling books, speaking opportunities, podcast features, and even interest from reality TV. Now a hybrid author writing stories inspired by life on her farm and time with her grandchildren, Kara also shares a powerful personal journey of reclaiming her voice after spending 23 years in a toxic marriage. Her story is one of resilience, creativity, and learning to say, I can again. Welcome, Kara. Thank you so much.

SPEAKER_00 1:22

That was a great introduction.

SPEAKER_01 1:23

Oh, thank you. Your journey includes a long-term toxic marriage where you felt like you couldn't have your own opinion. When did you first notice you were losing your voice?

SPEAKER_00 1:37

In all honesty, I don't feel like I went into the marriage having a voice. I was quite young when I got married. I come from a family of strong, independent women. So it's not like I wasn't raised feeling like I had a voice. I'm not really quite sure how somebody was able to get me to shut down that way. But it happened. And I did not feel like I had a voice from day one.

SPEAKER_01 2:06

Are there any examples, maybe one or two, that you can share where your voice was shut down? Now that you look back, you can see that you were shut down.

SPEAKER_00 2:17

I guess if I put my mind to it, I could probably sit down and list a thousand different times I was shut down. It was a general overall feeling in the home that if I didn't keep my opinions to myself, that if I rocked the boat, I would pay for it for several days afterwards. I could not win an argument in that house. I could not have a point in that house. I could not have an opinion without it being refuted, dismissed, set aside, you name it. It didn't matter. It honestly was not worth arguing about. And so that was what happened in my marriage. I just got to the point where I realized that this is only causing me frustration. It's not getting me anywhere. I'm not making a point that is hitting home in any way. So it's just a whole lot better if I just don't have an opinion and if I just stuff it inside and keep about my business. Keep the peace.

SPEAKER_01 3:18

But there's only so much you can keep stuffed inside. What was that turning point for you?

SPEAKER_00 3:24

The turning point for me, I guess I always kind of thought that when my kids were out of school, I had this misconception that I was protecting the kids by staying in the marriage. Kids of all ages get hurt by divorce. And there are good ways of handling divorce and bad ways of handling divorce when it comes to the kids. And I've been up and down both roads. So yeah, I kind of had it in my brain, you know what? I'm not going to stay in this marriage once I'm done raising my kids. My kids were my life. And as long as I had them to pour myself into, I was okay. But the thought of what my life looked like without them, I couldn't fathom. So, you know, the big change for me happened. My last child was 14, and my ex-husband was never content in a lot of different ways. We had made a big move across the state five years prior to that, that disrupted my oldest son's life considerably. He was right in the middle of, you know, just getting into senior year, and it he had been with the same friends throughout his whole school journey. It really turned his life upside down. And so my daughter was 14, and he came home and said, We're moving back. I said, You can, but I'm not. Because I wasn't gonna do it to her. She was in junior high school, doing very well, very active, lots of friends, and I wasn't gonna do that to her. Junior high girls can be terrible. So said, sorry, not going. And that's kind of what started it. Once it came out of my mouth, I couldn't turn back. There was a lot of backpedaling that happened after that while I was just testing you. At that point, I'm like, this is it. I'm sorry, this is it. I'm done.

SPEAKER_01 5:19

Reclaiming your voice is no small thing. What did the process look like for you step by step?

SPEAKER_00 5:27

You know, I had to. It was my attorney's recommendation that I not leave the family home until it was sold. So even though I had said that I wanted a divorce, it took nine months before I could take my daughter and move out. So that was hard. I slept in a chair in the living room for nine months. I did what I thought I was supposed to do. I'm sure it was not easy for my daughter. If I could do things over again a million times over, I would. But it is what it is. Once I got out of the house, I really hit the ground running. It's like all these things that were inside of me that I always wanted to explore and I dabbled in them throughout the marriage. But anytime I had something to show, or what do you think of this? It was always dismissed. It did not support me at all in that way, in being able to say, look what I can do, or I can do this, or what do you think? When I left, I wanted to do everything and I try again. Writing was a really big deal. And I tried to write for a very long time and I didn't get anywhere. Eventually that came about. In the meantime, I just had to work, I just had to make money. And I'm I have very strong will, very strong determination. I had heard for 23 years, you'll never make it without me. And that's something you don't say to me. Challenge accepted.

SPEAKER_01 6:48

Yes, it seems to be a common thread. How did building a business and becoming an author support your healing and sense of autonomy?

SPEAKER_00 7:02

I had been dabbling throughout my marriage. I did not get a college education. I married very young. I was only 18, but I still wanted to contribute to the income. We were broke all the time. I was always doing whatever I could, but I didn't want to leave the kids with a babysitter and I didn't, you know, I wanted to raise them myself. So I never really had a problem self-starting. I cleaned houses, which I hated. I put an ad in the paper and wrote resumes for people. You know, I had I had a paper out that I shared with my two sons for four years. I figured things out. So I think the biggest thing for me, you know, after I got divorced, I would hear things like, now you should be going back to school and getting that education so you can get a real job. And my brain was, okay, but I'm still raising my child. And if I spend my time going back to school and I'm not working, how does that work? I still have to pay my bills. I've done this before. I've worked for myself basically in one aspect or another. I've just never completely supported myself by it. So I still had a part-time job at the school. Starting the business and buying and selling was a side hustle. When I got to the point of needing to split one store into two because something in the one store just started to take off and needed its own category, that's when I gave myself permission to do just that. At the same time, I used big moves almost as an excuse I give to myself. When we made that big move across the state, I gave myself permission to never clean other people's houses again after 20 years. I really didn't think I was ever interested in dating again. My peace and my solitude were so important to me. But as my daughter got older and she was spending more time away, I started to get a little bit lonely. So I met somebody on the internet. He didn't live close to me, but we dated for about three years. And when my daughter left for school, after bawling my eyes out in my empty house, I agreed to move with him and get married again. And it's right up there with the top best decisions I ever made. But that move, I told myself, no more side gigs, you're gonna focus on the business. And that was 14 years ago.

SPEAKER_01 9:27

When you began reselling to support your family, what did that work give you emotionally, not just financially?

SPEAKER_00 9:35

It gave me empowerment. You know, look at what I can do. I always kind of had confidence that I could pretty much do anything. I don't really have an attitude of a quitter, that's for sure. But initially going into it because I didn't know a whole lot about it, it was very intimidating. It was predominantly a male arena when I started. A lot of older men that had been doing it for a very long time and knew an awful lot about this and that. You know, it was common to get the side eye when you tried to buy something or scowl an occasion where I was going up to a table to pick the items that I wanted. And I came back to sit down. A friend that I had made along the way in this business, he was a male friend, but he leaned over to me and told me how much fun these old men in the audience were having looking up my shorts as I bent over to pick things off the table. So, you know, it's one of those situations where it kind of embarrasses you, makes you angry, but then you're like, watch me roar. I very quickly developed my own lane of things that were overlooked, and not the heavy hitters. I looked for things that probably would have gotten thrown away in the trash after the sale. I found a lot of good moneymakers. And that's still the same lane that I'm in today. So, you know, in my books, these guys that are the hot shots of it all, I call them the big bucks because they'll shell it out for the collectible things that everybody knows is worth money. I don't play with them very often. But once in a while, I sneak something out from under their noses. We all stalk each other on the internet, we all know each other's shops. Now it's to the point where we get together and there is that mutual respect. We do have conversations about what we have bought and sold, and you did really well with that. There's more of a camaraderie now. In the beginning, though, it was intimidating.

SPEAKER_01 11:30

I bet you discovered the vintage fabric niche almost by accident. How did trusting your curiosity help you reconnect with yourself?

SPEAKER_00 11:43

Fabric was interesting. I did not grow up sewing. I knew how to thread a needle and knew how to sew little things. I remember making gifts for cousins and whatnot when I was a kid, but I didn't grow up learning how to quilt or learning all these sewing techniques and whatnot. So fabric came along just because it was selling cheap. And that's what I bought. I didn't have money to invest in expensive things. Yeah. So I ended up with a bunch of fabric. I'm like, okay, what am I going to do with this? It's got to be worth something. I've got this huge box of fabric. I only paid a couple dollars. There's got to be some money in here somewhere. So, you know, I've always been curious. I've always been creative. It took doing some research to what other fabric sellers were buying and selling. It took talking to some friends that knew a little bit more about fabric than I did. Thank goodness for the internet. Gosh, what did we ever do without it? But, you know, I learned how to burn test fabric to find out what the fabric was made out of. It was a huge learning journey, but it was fun. And I've learned eras that I love and fabric that I love. And I get excited knowing that maybe I'm going to find fabric. What am I going to find this time? I've grown this community of people in my shop now. And we talk to each other, we share project ideas, they show me what they've made. Some of them have become friends and we talk outside of the shop, but so much about having the right people in your world and leaving the wrong ones behind. And my community has grown a hundredfold. And I'm learning more every day. It's very interesting.

SPEAKER_01 13:19

And building that community helps you increase your own self-esteem, self-worth, feeling that empowerment and learning to trust yourself again.

SPEAKER_00 13:32

Yes, it really does. And feeling validated and appreciated and heard. People care what I have to say. I started guest speaking after I published the first book. I figured the best way to sell books and bring new people to my fabric shop was to take it to the fabric people. So I started to invite myself to quilting guild meetings and I became a guest speaker. I didn't used to speak in front of people. It scared me to death. But to be able to talk to people who think you're impressive or whatever, it's huge.

SPEAKER_01 14:09

It is. Sharing your stories with your customers eventually led you to writing Fabric Wars. And what did storytelling unlock for you on a personal level?

SPEAKER_00 14:19

Storytelling has always been a huge outlet for me. When I was writing during my marriage, I was writing contemporary novels, but a lot of the stories mirrored my own life. It was very therapeutic because it was a safe way to get it out. It was almost like incognito. Nobody knows that this is really my life. But my mother would always tell me this is like reading your diary. So my mother knew. Emotionally, it still is that. I don't need to heal in my writing as much as I used to, but it's still a really great way to express myself because it's not just the stories that I'm telling about this estate sale that I went to. There are anecdotes of my life and of my journey that are woven in. And the more years that I get away from that first 23 years, the less any of that even pops up anymore. I have 17 years now of incredibly positive things to say and to think and to feel. And it's nice to be able to share that too.

SPEAKER_01 15:21

Good for you. As a grandmother and a storyteller today, how has your relationship with joy, creativity, and freedom changed?

SPEAKER_00 15:32

Yeah, creativity has many forms, doesn't it? Um I have always been a creative from as long as I can remember. I don't just write, but we work on this old farmhouse. I do drywall, I do carpentry, I love to paint. So I any way that I can get my creative juices going, the better. Having grandkids, it brought out the kid in me again. I loved raising my kids, but I was so busy all the time. It was constantly get your bath, sit down, eat dinner, let's go to bed. I gotta clean up because gotta have that clean house. And then it was one thing after another after another. And sometimes there were nights that it's like, did I say I love you before you fell asleep? Did I make it upstairs to read you that story before you fell asleep? Which just is run, run, run all the time, just trying to make sure that they're surviving and thriving and everything else. But man, when you have grandkids, it's like the gloves come off. And all of a sudden they come over and it's like, well, what do you want to do? Do you want to make something? Do you want to bake? Do you want to paint? Yeah, I don't care about messes because you're gonna go home and I can clean it up then. It's so fun. And starting to have camp on the farm and creating projects that we do every summer. The kids all get excited at this point. They always want to know what are we doing at camp this year? What's going on at camp? What's the big project? Where are we gonna go? And I love that they still love coming as much as they do.

SPEAKER_01 16:57

This camp is open to your grandkids or open to anybody else. Oh, no.

SPEAKER_00 17:01

Talk about the camp. We started, my husband and I share eight grandchildren. He has five, I have three. Camp started when his first granddaughter was two years old. And then at that point, you know, we take him for a week in the summertime. So at that point, it seems like every year we added another one and another one. One year we got twins, so it escalated in a hurry. We've been doing it. Oh gosh, I think 11 years. It just grows and grows. When we bought this farm, we bought it because I had horses. My daughter had a horse, and then she suckered me into adopting two more horses when I was raising her the last four years. And then she goes off to college, and here I am. I still have these three horses. So we had to buy a farm because I had horses, and it had this gigantic one-acre pond. There's fish out there and stuff. That's kind of fun, whatever. But we just didn't realize what it was going to evolve to, you know. So now the kids can fish in this pond. They'll catch fish with barely anything on the hook. There's tons of fish in it. They swim in the pond. One year we bought an old pontoon boat and put a water slide on it. So they do that in the pond. There's kayaks, there's go-karts. Every year we seem to add something new to camp. I think the biggest and most fun thing that we added was the year that we bought the bus. I painted the bus to look like the Scooby-Doo bus inside and out. It's completely decked out. They have a lot of fun in that. We can all go together now to the zoo, the park, or whatever. We do camp projects. And one year the camp project was let's hatch some chicken eggs. So I had the incubator set up so the eggs would hatch during the week of camp because chicken eggs are like three weeks to hatch, you know. And so there was all this excitement around watching these eggs hatch. The grandkids had this pecking order, no pun intended. But they said that the oldest got to pick first, and the first egg that hatched would belong to the oldest. We taught them about imprinting, how ducks imprint on the first person that they see that that's their mother. When the baby was about to come out of the shell, all the other kids had to leave the room so that the mom could be there to watch it come out. And it was just so cute watching them really get into this.

SPEAKER_01 19:22

What wonderful memories you're creating for your grandkids. For listeners who may still be in the fog or questioning their worth, what gentle encouragement would you offer from where they stand now?

SPEAKER_00 19:36

Well, especially since the divorce, I was always somebody who went to church, and this isn't going to be for everybody, but I certainly have learned the power of prayer. And if you're not in that place, then there's also a power in just plain meditation and allowing yourself that quiet time to reassure yourself, to remind yourself that you're okay, that you can overcome all. And there has to be a sense of determination and a way to hang on to that self-worth in any way that you can. Even today, in my happy place, something that adds to my very happy place is just going outside for 10 or 15 minutes and taking a walk around the property, feeding the animals, looking up at the sky, just centering. I will reiterate what I said before. Surround yourself with the right people. Do not let the toxic people be a part of your everyday conversation. If you lean on somebody that tends to have a toxic outlook or personality, you need to lean on somebody else. It just makes all the difference in the world. You gotta have people in your corner.

SPEAKER_01 20:48

Great advice. Carol, where can our listeners find your books or get in touch with you?

SPEAKER_00 20:55

The books are available on Amazon. They also are available in my shop on Etsy.odity. If you go to my Etsy shop, I can also sign them or personalize them for you. A lot of people give them to gifts for people that quilt, craft, people like shows like American Pickers. It's it's all of those things. I am on Instagram, which is also under.audity, LinkedIn, Kira Harley Klinger. I have a Facebook author page under Kira Harley Klinger.

SPEAKER_01 21:24

Wonderful. Thank you so much for this wonderful conversation today. I've enjoyed it, and I'm so happy to see how you took a challenging, painful situation and found purpose with your life. Thank you for sharing.

SPEAKER_00 21:43

Thank you for having me.

SPEAKER_01 21:47

Thank you for listening to today's episode of Bent Not Broken. I hope that this episode reminded you that even through life's toughest moments, you are bent, not broken. If this message inspired you, please share, rate, review, and subscribe, as it helps us reach more women who are ready to rise and rebuild. And until next time, keep living bold and walking in your purpose.