Who We Trust and How We Receive Advice : A Leadership Living Lab

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Hi, I'm Nola.

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I'm the host of the Hope and Possibilities
podcast, and I wanted to talk a bit about

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Receiving advice.

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My last episode was about giving
advice, but it's equally important

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to think about how we receive.

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And first of all it's the type of advice.

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So what do you do with unsolicited
advice versus advice you seek out?

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And who do you actually trust?

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And if you are receiving either
type of advice, how do you filter

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what's really useful and where
do you look for the advice?

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And it does not actually
have to be personal advice.

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So when I'm talking about
mentorship, generally the idea

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is that you're receiving it from
somebody that you know personally.

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So like whether that's parents or,
other adults in your life or, coworkers

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or colleagues or industry experts
or somebody that you have a tenuous

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connection to at, at, at any point.

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That's a certain type of advice
because it tends to be more personal,

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it tends to be more interactive,
it tends to be curated to yourself.

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But there's another type of advice that
honestly I find useful, and that is

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the thought leadership aspect of it.

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So this is somebody who
doesn't know you at all and is

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producing content of some sort.

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So whether that's TED Talks, whether
that's books, whether that's videos.

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However you consume their thought
leadership type content, whether you

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wanna call it thought leadership or not,
it's some type of expertise that they're

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sharing in a way that you're consuming it-

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Without knowing them personally.

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It's a parasocial
relationship essentially.

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And how do you decide who to follow?

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Who-- how do you decide

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which people really receive your
attention, and how does that change?

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And also, how do you adapt as they change?

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So for example I mentioned
that I had a coach.

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Initially when I first hired her,
she was very focused on career advice

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and preparing resumes and writing a
book about storytelling and, she had

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some theater practices involved too.

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But then she really significantly
shifted into meditation.

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She said herself that she has a habit
of once she actually gets passionate

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about something, it becomes her
whole personality, and so she pivoted

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her brand really to embrace that.

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And then she ended up going back to
work full-time for a company and got

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into leadership development and really
got away from the type of coaching

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that I originally hired her for.

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And that was a real shift to be able to
adapt with her as she adapted herself.

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And honestly, in lots of ways it's
been a gift because you get to analyze

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how you're reacting in terms of

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what that story means to you, right?

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I find this honestly with
pop stars and people who act.

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They put forth a certain type of
work, and then if they change,

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people are reluctant to let that go.

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And a lot of times, especially with
musicians, if they shift the type

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of music that they're producing

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People can't adapt and they
don't like the new stuff.

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They want them to do more of the
same because it's almost like they

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fulfill that need, again, going back
to that parasocial relationship.

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And of course, nobody really has the
ability to say whether somebody is going

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to produce that or not but I'm seeing that
a lot with thought leadership is there's

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a reluctance to allow people to shift and
change and adapt and move into different

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types of work because it changes the
story of how that person is useful to you.

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And just having that ability to step back
and analyze why somebody's development

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can threaten your own personal story,
that's actually a useful skill to work

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through in terms of your own identity
and your own development, and that's

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something that I've never really heard
anybody really talk about significantly.

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Although this week there was actually
somebody posted about the fact of

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people who step away from corporate
and get into freelancing or some

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other type of work that isn't
necessarily a straightforward job.

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And basically she was like, "Why
is it so hard for people who know

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you to be supportive, to let that
go, to have a real understanding of

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how you're changing and adapting?"

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And why do they often just
resort to go get a real job?

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Like, why is that such a hard transition?

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And again, I think it comes down to
that identity piece of it, if you're

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changing who you are and how you
make money, and y- your identity is

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shifting because of the work that
you do, how does that impact them and

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how does that shift their identity?

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And if they're not able to adapt and
they're not able to let that go, what

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does that say about their ability?

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And I ended up saying to this person,
and in lots of ways it's easier to think

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about it as it's not that they don't
care, it's about neuroplasticity and how

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their brain is forming new connections and
learning and adapting in real time, right?

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People… Some people just don't have the
type of brain that has the capacity to

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be able to build those new connections.

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And it's not

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It's biological more than it's actually
based in personality or ability, right?

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It's just fundamentally how

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they think.

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And it's related to their brain
chemistry and the neuroscience of

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it rather than any type of instinct.

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And sometimes that's an easier thing
to hear rather than, "I've explained it

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400 times and they still don't get it.

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I don't understand why it's so
difficult to pay attention," right?

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And it's not necessarily about the
fact that they're not paying attention.

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It's about the fact that they just
don't have that mental flexibility to

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be able to build that new connection.

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And that is a reality of how
we receive feedback and how we

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trust people to influence our
decisions in real time, right?

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So

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it's useful if you are a person who's
seeking out information and advice whether

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that's, something personally curated
to you or something that you're paying

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attention to that's publicly available.

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Who really forms your
board of directors, right?

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Because it's probably not just one
person, because everybody has a different

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background, everybody has a different type
of skill set, everybody has a different

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understanding of how the world works.

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I tend to be drawn to people who
have a broad background, who have

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worked through multiple different
industries and skills and roles.

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A lot of times the, the people that I pay
attention to are 20 years older than I am.

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But also I do look for
balance in that too.

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Like that coach I mentioned, she's a
good eight years younger than I am.

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And sometimes I look at the people
who actually make me uncomfortable,

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and I try to figure out what it is
about their positioning, what it is

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about their advice and expertise.

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Is it that it's invalid the stuff
that they're actually sharing,

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or is there something about
their delivery that I need to

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assess to see if that's a
bias that I need to let go of.

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There's a creator that I follow,
and she she tends to position

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things of, she's working with these
really cool millennial managers.

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And I recognize that
as a marketing tactic.

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She's positioning herself as one
of them, and if you are a really

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cool millennial manager, you want
her to think that you're cool.

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You… She's positioning herself as
one of them, and it's about belonging

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more than it is anything about that.

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But that positioning really got my back
up because for one, I'm not a millennial.

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So I'm like, "Why is she focusing on that
type of positioning?" And it's really

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come down to she knows her audience,
and she's positioning herself so that

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she's actually drawing in people who
hear that and go, "Ooh, she's talking

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about me," rather than, someone like
me, where she's actually actively trying

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to alienate because she-- I'm not the
type of personality that she values.

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And so it's not anything to
do with either one of us.

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It's just this is what her intention is.

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This is her method, and I'm reacting to
that in real time because sometimes I

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think some of the things that she says
are interesting, but at the same time, I'm

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alienated, and I wanted to understand why.

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And it's not because I have a bias.

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It's because she's actively
facilitating that bias to draw

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people that she wants more of to her.

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But to be able to filter through that,
because you can feel it in your body is

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a real-really useful way of understanding
how you allow people to influence you.

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And power and influence is a
really important critical skill

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both in how you practice it yourself,
but also how you allow others to

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influence your choices and decisions.

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And that's the aspect of

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receiving advice I think that
we don't talk about enough.

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So I'm gonna leave that there for thought.

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I'm gonna put in some resources in
the show notes, so if you're looking

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for that, it'll be in the show notes.

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Again, I'm interested in your stories.

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If you have a specific story about
how somebody influenced you or not

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these are great things to look at and
analyze, and I'd really appreciate

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you sharing that kind of detail.

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It, it's an opportunity to be
interactive, and it doesn't usually

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happen on the podcast, but I
never stop trying, so thank you