S4E6: How To Have Better, Healthier, Longer Friendships

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Welcome to head to Heart
podcast.

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I'm your host Jenny Markham.
This Bi weekly podcast is

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designed to be a safe space to
admit where we truly believe in

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our hearts.
There's a huge difference

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between having biblical
knowledge floating around in our

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heads and actually believing
that it's true.

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Until God's truth makes its way
into our hearts.

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Nothing changes will be doing a
mix of solo episodes and

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interviews with friends.
Those who have experienced the

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freedom that comes, when head
knowledge becomes heart.

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Knowledge will talk about
overcoming lies in our

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relationships, mental health
struggles and the way we see

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ourselves, the truth will set
you free so that you can walk

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every day in the freedom.
God desires for you.

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It's time to let go of those
pressures insecurities and

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burdens.
That's not yours to carry.

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Thanks for joining us.
Welcome back to head to Heart

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podcast.
I'm your host, Danny Marcum.

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Thank you so much for joining me
for another episode and I have a

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brand new guest who I'd like to
introduce to you.

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Her name is Johanna Smith and
she will, I don't want to say

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like this is what she does.
The sushi is I'll let her

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introduce herself for those
parts.

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So Johanna, why don't you go
ahead and say who you are?

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What you do a fun fact.
Hey Jenny, thanks so much for

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having me on.
First of all, I'm really excited

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to talk with you.
I am a follower of Jesus, I live

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in central, Ohio, with my
husband and our two girls who

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are 12 and 15, and by day, I'm a
systems analyst for a

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university, but my passion is
hosting the girls, talking Life

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podcast, where you'll find
god-honoring, conversations to

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stir your soul and encourage you
in your faith.

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Life and friendships.
My fun fact, is my oldest

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daughter was born on my husband
and eyes third year anniversary,

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Oh, most years do most years.
Wow, most years we focus on her

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and celebrating her kind of
overshadows our anniversary.

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So we do have to work a little
harder to make sure that we get

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our celebration in there
somewhere.

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But of course, we love her so
much and we're glad to celebrate

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her.
Yeah.

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Yeah.
You could always celebrate with

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the day before or the day after
but that's so special to be a

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family thing.
Okay.

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Johanna, what have you been set
free from?

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Okay, so I recently interviewed
a woman who was talking about,

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overcoming destructive anger.
So as I prepared to talk with

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her, I was just kind of sitting
in this topic of anger and I was

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reminded how God completely
transformed my heart.

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When it came to this, I can
remember getting upset with my

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husband early on in our
marriage.

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I was a scorekeeper.
So I would, you know, These are

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all the things I've done.
These are all the things you

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haven't done kind of thing.
Hmm.

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And I would stuff my anger as
much as I could.

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I did not want to get mad and I
would ignore it and then I would

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explode when I couldn't hold it
in anymore.

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Mmm, So I noticed this pattern
and I would feel terrible after

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but I didn't know what to do
about it.

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And then I heard this sermon.
One day I was painting my

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daughter's room and the house we
were about to move into and the

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sermon was about how God is in
the business of changing hearts.

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And I don't even think that they
were talking about anger, but

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that's what I heard.
God can change your heart in

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this area of struggle, if you
asked him to So that started to

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be my prayer.
I was just asking God, to change

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this pattern and me to help me
stop.

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Keeping score, and getting mad
and blowing up and rinse and

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repeat.
Mmm, and he did, I certainly

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still get mad but he's
definitely set me free from that

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cycle of destructive anger.
That's amazing.

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Who did you interview?
The talked about destructive

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anger.
Could I ask that?

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Yes, it actually hasn't come out
yet but her name is Natalie.

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Hickson I interviewed her
entertained during the summer.

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Yeah.
Really.

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Really enjoyed talking.
I was like, destructive anger

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sounds so familiar.
What is it?

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That's so exciting.
Well, I just wanted to say that

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when I reached out to you and
emailed you I do listen to your

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podcast, so I already knew like
your podcast is talking about

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women, connecting with each
other and then connecting with

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God.
And and those friendship makes

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makes us better so that we can
be a better spouse.

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Be a better friend, be a better
employee be a better, whatever

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it may be, and those friendships
are so important.

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And I just want to say, I really
admire you for tackling the

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topic of friendship in this
interview, because it can be.

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So, So tricky sometimes, let's
challenge.

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So I wanted to ask you how can
we know if friendship is

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important to God?
Is this something that's just

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important to us as people
because we need it?

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Or is it also on God's heart?
It is definitely on God's heart,

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definitely important to him and
I think the Bible shows us lots

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of ways that this is true.
So many that I'm just going to

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talk about a few of them but
first God, Self is in

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relationship.
Father the hot best son, the

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Holy Spirit, they have always
been together and Genesis tells

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us that during creation spirit
of God moved over the water and

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John chapter 1 says in the
beginning was the word and the

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Word was God and the Word was
with God.

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I think I said that backwards
but you know what I mean?

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Hmm through him, all things were
made which puts Jesus on the

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scene with the father and the
spirit during the creation of

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the world.
So they've always been together

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living in perfect relationship,
and then you and I were created

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in His image.
So we're created for

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relationship too.
Everything that God created in

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Genesis, he says that is good
but then after he created man

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for the first time he said it's
not good not good for man to be

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alone.
So not only are we created in

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God's image but he tells us
point-blank hey you shouldn't be

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alone that's not good for you.
Hmm.

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So we're created by a relational
God who not only wants a

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relationship with us but he
designed us to be in

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relationship.
Bishop with other people and as

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followers of Christ, if you
think about what we're called to

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do, In Matthew chapter, 22 Jesus
gives us the two most important

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commands, love God, and love
people.

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And those are relationships, you
can't love someone if you don't

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know them.
That's true.

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So part of walking in obedience
to the Lord is to be in

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relationship with people and to
love them.

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And another thing is we grow and
we're together we get better

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when we're together and the
Bible talks about this a lot

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too.
Iron sharpens iron.

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So one person sharpens, another
Paul is specially is big into

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this.
He says things like I long to

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see you so I may impart some
spiritual gift to make you

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strong so you and I can be
mutually encouraged by each

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other's faith.
And he talks about spurring one

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another on and building each
other up.

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So I think that these passages
all describe Believers being in

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relationship with other
believers.

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But I also think we need to love
our neighbors no matter what

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they believe.
Yeah, it's so just reassuring to

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know that this is something that
he cares about to.

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So whenever we pray like got him
having this friendship problem

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or please help my friend like he
really does care about that

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because he loves people and he's
in relationship with us.

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Absolutely.
So I just want to touch on

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comparison because in our
friendships and in life in

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general, comparison can steal
all our joy.

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If we let it, so in an age of
social media where it's so easy

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to compare, people yourself to
people that you don't even see

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on a regular basis, but you just
see their posts online.

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What are some healthy
expectations?

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We can set for ourselves.
So that we don't compare to what

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others?
Seemed to have.

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So I think one of the keys to
taming us ugly comparison

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monster is knowing who you are
in Christ and having a correct

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view of your identity in him.
Once you once you know, him or

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you're remembering who you are
and what you've been giving, I

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think it's easier to cheer for
your friends.

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We when you can rest in that
contentment, that Jesus offers a

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compulsion to compare his just
lessened.

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And that doesn't mean that it's
never going to show up again

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because we're human, and it
does.

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But I would say when it does try
this remind pray and then tell

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remind yourself who you are and
what you've been given.

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You are a beloved daughter of
the most high King known before

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the creation of the world.
Chosen to be a CO are with

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Christ called out of the
darkness into a personal

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relationship with the light of
the world.

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So if you think about those
things and all the gifts you've

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been given that allow you to
have an impact for God's

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kingdom, that is a big deal.
So remind yourself of those

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things.
Maybe you need to do often.

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I know I do.
And then next pray, pray for

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eyes to see your friend or the
person that you're looking at

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online, the way God does.
Pray about specifically the

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thing, maybe that's bothering
you that you admire or that

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you're coveting or envying.
And thank God for your friend.

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Thank God for this person asked
him to continue to bless her and

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allow her to excel.
In those giftings it is really

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hard maybe impossible to be
jealous and comparing and

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prayerful at the same time.
Hmm. and then when you're ready,

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once God has done a little work
in your heart, through those

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prayers, tell her what you see,
how good of a job she's doing

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and really celebrate her So
remind yourself pray to God and

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then tell her that's really
good.

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Yeah in times where I felt like
and unforgiveness or a

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bitterness start to seep into my
heart.

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And some way the advice that
someone gave me was like you

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need to start praying for them
and in fact at first I was like

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well that's like the hardest
thing to do.

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Yes.
But then once I started it

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became so much easier and I
don't I know those prayers were

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for the other person, but they
were helping me so much more and

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I felt like my heart gross off.
And again, definitely So in a

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world where we could be as
connected as possible because we

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have all this technology that
allows us to stay connected.

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We sometimes feel lonely and
that's just could come from

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anything.
It could come from Friendship

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troubles, or it could come from
moving away, or relocating doing

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something new, whatever.
Maybe.

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So if we're feeling lonely, what
are some practical ways we can

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reach out to create new?
New friendships.

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I think one of the easiest
things you can do is look for

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people in the places that you
already go like your church or

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your school or work your
neighborhood.

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Mmm.
It's easy for us to go about our

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daily routines, kind of with our
heads down, just getting our

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stuff done, but I would say try
to be more aware of the people

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around you and then ask God to
open your eyes to see the women

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in your path.
Who do you see that?

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You'd like to get to know better
and then once you see her, say

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hello to her and try and get
curious and even have some

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questions ready.
I don't know if this sounds

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silly but I'm an introvert.
So small talk does not always

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come naturally to me.
So, just having some questions

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in my head.
I love your shoes.

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Where did you get them?
What plans do you have for the

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weekend?
Did you take any good trips this

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summer?
So, if that's if that sounds

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hard to you, like, it does to me
sometimes practice it and just

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the more you do it, the easier
it gets.

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Once you've talked with someone
in one of these spaces, and you

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think they're someone, you might
like to get to know better be

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friends with, then you need to
do the inviting.

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Hey, you want to grab coffee?
You know?

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They could say yes or they could
say no.

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And if they say no, don't take
it.

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Personally, this could be for a
whole host of reasons that don't

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have anything to do with you.
I want to point that out because

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the fear of rejection is real
and sometimes that stops us from

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Even putting the invite out
there, mmm.

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Another fairly easy thing to do
is to join a group where women

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are already getting together.
Jump into something that's

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already happening.
Like a church group or a

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community group or an exercise
class, pick something that

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interests you and you'll likely
find women there who you have

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things in common with My husband
and I just started going to you

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a small group at our church.
This is only week two.

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So we, you know, aren't great
friends with them yet and it's

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awkward when you get to know
people at first, but it's

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something that we're giving a
shot mmm.

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So I just want to point out that
I like how you said it's awkward

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but it's a step and that's a
good step to take because all my

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good friendships now I think
like okay what was it like in

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the very beginning?
NG when I met them.

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Well, is a little awkward but so
that was really good point.

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Keep going.
The other thing I was going to

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say is, if you can't find a
group that you want to join

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start one, this is going to take
a little more effort but it is

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totally worth it.
And ask yourself, what do you

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need a monthly breakfast?
A weekly book club doesn't have

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to be complicated this summer.
I asked a couple women to do a

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Bible study, with me, I invited
for women.

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Owen and we met on my back patio
and we chatted about the

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scripture where your bed and it
was super casual, but I got to

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know those women a little bit
better every week and it was

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what I needed.
That's awesome.

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Didn't you?
I'm just remembering, didn't you

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do some sort of friendship
challenge over the summer?

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I did.
What was that like this summer

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of friendship challenge?
So I did really short bite-sized

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00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:36,300
episodes all having to do with
friendship.

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00:15:36,500 --> 00:15:40,700
And then each episode had an
action step tied to it, that you

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00:15:40,700 --> 00:15:46,700
were challenged to do to
investigate your friendships to

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00:15:46,700 --> 00:15:51,200
grow in your current friendships
to deepen those or to make new

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00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:57,300
friends.
Do you ever feel like you want

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00:15:57,300 --> 00:16:01,200
to get organized but just don't
have the time to maybe the

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00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:04,000
planners you bought in the past,
have been helpful for just a

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00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:08,000
little bit, but then you lose it
or completely forget it exists.

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00:16:08,900 --> 00:16:11,700
Let me tell you about life in
order life.

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00:16:11,700 --> 00:16:14,900
In order is a business that
makes 100% customized bullet

267
00:16:14,900 --> 00:16:19,200
journals to help set you up to
thrive in your goals, homework

268
00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:23,300
relationships and personal
growth, they have paper and

269
00:16:23,300 --> 00:16:26,300
digital bullet journals.
So If papers, not your thing,

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00:16:26,500 --> 00:16:28,500
you can use it on your computer
or tablet.

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00:16:29,500 --> 00:16:32,500
There's also so many adorable
stickers and notepads to choose

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00:16:32,500 --> 00:16:34,200
from.
So you can decorate your

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00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:38,300
workspace and keep it tidy.
My bullet Journal was a game

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00:16:38,300 --> 00:16:42,300
changer for me and since I
customized it, it was already

275
00:16:42,300 --> 00:16:44,300
set up for what I personally
needed.

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00:16:45,100 --> 00:16:47,800
So, if you're ready to get your
life in order, you can find

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00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:52,400
their products today on life in
order shop.com and use the code,

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00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:57,500
Jenny 15.
That's 15 to get, 15% off your

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00:16:57,500 --> 00:17:00,300
purchase.
So what are you waiting for?

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00:17:00,700 --> 00:17:08,000
Go ahead and order a product
today, that's beautiful and

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00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:10,900
those apply not just in the
summertime, right?

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00:17:10,900 --> 00:17:13,900
So people could go back and
listen to them, absolutely.

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00:17:13,900 --> 00:17:16,800
Yes, all year, all year round,
it works.

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00:17:17,700 --> 00:17:23,599
Okay, on the flip side, taking a
turn, I suppose, if you have a

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00:17:23,599 --> 00:17:27,599
friendship.
That you feel like is no longer

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00:17:27,900 --> 00:17:32,900
working or is no longer
enjoyable, for whatever reason,

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00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:37,000
how could you tell if a
friendship needs to end?

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00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:39,400
That's such a hard question.
So I'm just so curious about

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00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:43,300
what you're going to say.
So it's Jenny, I am not good at

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00:17:43,300 --> 00:17:45,100
this.
Did it?

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00:17:45,100 --> 00:17:46,900
What?
Ending friendship sending

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00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:50,600
friendships.
I hang on too long but the

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00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:53,600
reality is that sometimes God is
calling someone in a different

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00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:57,500
direction and we're You or like
you said earlier, we move into a

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00:17:57,508 --> 00:17:59,900
new season of life.
Our paths just aren't running

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00:17:59,900 --> 00:18:05,000
parallel like they used to.
And while I feel like we should

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00:18:05,600 --> 00:18:09,100
love people all the time.
Sometimes, friendships are just

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00:18:09,100 --> 00:18:13,700
for a season.
My friend right now is making a

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00:18:13,700 --> 00:18:17,000
significant significant shift in
her career and she's moved away

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00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:20,800
from a job that was really
important to her and she knows

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00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:23,300
that things have changed and
it's just time to move on, but

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00:18:23,300 --> 00:18:27,900
she is still grieving the loss
and the way she's choosing to

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00:18:27,900 --> 00:18:31,400
end that season of her career,
is to look back on it.

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00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:35,700
And remember the high points and
name, the good stuff and honor

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00:18:35,700 --> 00:18:37,800
it.
So, instead of focusing on the

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00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:42,200
negative or you know, that it's
the end, And I think that we can

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00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:43,800
do the same thing with
friendships.

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00:18:45,800 --> 00:18:50,300
Know that it's okay to grieve
that loss and when you're ready,

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00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:54,300
honor it by telling the story of
your time together.

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00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:56,800
How you met, what you loved
about her.

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00:18:57,400 --> 00:19:01,600
You know, name the good stuff.
My friends at the open door,

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00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:05,100
Sisterhood call this process.
Brett bless and release.

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00:19:06,300 --> 00:19:09,500
And maybe this is just, you
know, maybe it's a conversation

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00:19:09,500 --> 00:19:11,500
that you have with your friend,
but maybe it's just something

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00:19:11,500 --> 00:19:15,500
that you do for yourself to just
kind of help you process through

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00:19:15,500 --> 00:19:18,500
that.
I feel like no one's really

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00:19:18,500 --> 00:19:22,800
great attending friendship.
That's a really hard thing to

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00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:25,000
do, no one really wants to do
it.

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00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:31,000
And so let's say those are great
steps for processing it within

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00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:36,500
ourselves and like talking it
out. what if we need to have a

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00:19:36,500 --> 00:19:40,400
conversation with that friend
that, you know, has different

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00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:46,100
expectations or Is ending it or
putting different boundaries in

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00:19:46,100 --> 00:19:49,300
place, how can we end it in an
honoring way?

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00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:58,000
I think as much as possible,
just try to be honest about your

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00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:04,500
feelings and not necessarily
calling them out on anything

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00:20:04,500 --> 00:20:10,800
that they've done wrong, if
that's not necessary, but Just

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00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:13,500
being willing to have that
honest conversation about.

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00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:19,600
This is how I'm feeling.
This is the direction that we're

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00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:22,300
moving and these are all the
good things like I mentioned

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00:20:22,300 --> 00:20:26,400
before, these are all the great
things about our friendship, but

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00:20:28,100 --> 00:20:30,600
You know, I want to honor you, I
want to honor our friendship,

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00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:34,100
but it's just not working out
anymore.

333
00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:39,200
Mmm.
Yeah, I think that in being

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00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:45,200
honest, even if it's hard to say
that will go over better than

335
00:20:45,900 --> 00:20:47,900
saying what you don't really
mean.

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00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:49,900
You know.
Absolutely.

337
00:20:50,900 --> 00:20:54,900
Okay.
In all our friendships prayer,

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00:20:54,900 --> 00:20:59,300
is an important part of them if
we're followers of Christ.

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00:20:59,300 --> 00:21:02,400
So how should we be praying for
our friends?

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00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:07,700
So many ways we could be praying
for our friends and if they're

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00:21:07,700 --> 00:21:11,400
good friends, you likely know
personal details of their lives

342
00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:13,900
or struggles.
They're having so that is always

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00:21:13,900 --> 00:21:18,000
a good place to start if they
are not Believers, then of

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00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:20,200
course you want to pray for them
to come to know.

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00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:24,500
Jesus actually be at the top of
your list, a pastor that I

346
00:21:24,508 --> 00:21:29,400
listen to talks about praying
for a no-brainer moment. so a

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00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:33,500
time when your friend is like
willing and open or maybe even

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00:21:33,500 --> 00:21:37,800
asks you to share the reason for
the hope that is within you, so

349
00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:43,400
pay for those And I am reading
in Colossians right now and Paul

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00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:46,700
opens up this letter.
By telling them, we have not

351
00:21:46,700 --> 00:21:50,300
stopped praying for you.
We continually ask God to fill

352
00:21:50,300 --> 00:21:53,900
you with the knowledge of his
will through all the wisdom and

353
00:21:53,900 --> 00:21:57,000
understanding that the spirit
gives so that you may have a

354
00:21:57,008 --> 00:22:01,000
life worthy of the Lord and
please him in every good way.

355
00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:05,400
Bearing fruit in every good work
growing in the knowledge of God

356
00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:08,500
being strengthened with all
power according to his glorious

357
00:22:08,500 --> 00:22:10,800
night.
That you may have great

358
00:22:10,900 --> 00:22:15,200
endurance and patience and
giving joyful thanks to the

359
00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:18,500
father.
So right there, take it from

360
00:22:18,500 --> 00:22:20,800
Paul.
This is how he praised for his

361
00:22:20,800 --> 00:22:23,000
friends.
So if you're not sure where to

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00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:27,400
start pay for them to have
knowledge, wisdom, understanding

363
00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:31,100
strength, endurance patients, I
mean, I need those things,

364
00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:33,400
please break those things for
me.

365
00:22:33,700 --> 00:22:35,000
Who doesn't.
Hmm.

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00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:38,900
That's so good.
And of course, like we'd want

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00:22:38,900 --> 00:22:41,800
our friends to be praying those
things for ourselves to.

368
00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:46,600
Well, Johanna, thank you so much
for being our guest today and

369
00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:51,800
sharing your experience with us.
And it's been a joy.

370
00:22:51,900 --> 00:22:54,300
And I would just encourage any
listeners listening to this

371
00:22:54,300 --> 00:22:58,200
episode to go check out girls
talking Life podcast because you

372
00:22:58,200 --> 00:23:01,200
Han has a host on there and she
has all these wonderful guests.

373
00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:04,600
So why not go check it out.
Thank you, Jenny.

374
00:23:04,600 --> 00:23:07,600
It is been so good talking.
With you and thanks for asking

375
00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:09,300
such thought-provoking
questions.

376
00:23:09,300 --> 00:23:13,100
You made me dig in deeper and
think about friendship more.

377
00:23:14,200 --> 00:23:16,800
It's a really hard topic.
So again, I just say I really

378
00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:24,100
admire you for taking it on
Thank you so much for listening

379
00:23:24,100 --> 00:23:26,300
to this episode of head to our
podcast.

380
00:23:26,500 --> 00:23:28,500
It's a joy to record them and a
joy to have you.

381
00:23:28,500 --> 00:23:32,800
Listen, I love hearing from you.
So if any part of this episode

382
00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:35,200
was helpful, go ahead.
Share it, on your Instagram

383
00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:38,300
story, and tag us.
The handle is head to Heart

384
00:23:38,300 --> 00:23:41,700
underscore podcast.
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385
00:23:41,900 --> 00:23:45,300
leave us a rating and review on
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386
00:23:45,400 --> 00:23:47,400
It helps out the show so much
when you do.

387
00:23:48,300 --> 00:23:50,900
We'll be releasing episodes to
you every other Friday.

388
00:23:51,100 --> 00:23:53,200
So stay tuned and thanks for
joining us.