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S3E3: Why Can’t I Just Be Happy?: Anxiety About Good Things & Foreboding Joy
Do you ever fear being completely honest with God about your desires? Do good things entering your life cause you to become anxious? I recorded a SOLO episode & told my story of starting to date my now husband & how such a great thing caused me so much anxiety. It all went back to my beliefs about God. I thought God wanted me to suffer because that’s when He would help me grow, but He showed me His actual heart & how He is not a manipulative Father who just wants to teach me a lesson. He has good things in store for you & He IS FOR YOU! --- This episode is sponsored by · Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast. https://anchor.fm/app Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/jenny-marcum/support
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Welcome to head to her podcast.
I'm your host Jenny Markham.
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This Bi weekly podcast is
designed to be a safe space to
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admit what we truly believe in
our hearts.
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We all know the difference
between just having biblical
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knowledge floating around in our
heads and actually believing
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that it's true.
Until God's truth makes its way
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into our hearts.
Nothing changes will be doing a
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mix of solo episodes and
interviews with friends who have
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experience the freedom that
comes when head knowledge
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Knowledge becomes heart
knowledge will talk about
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overcoming lies in our
relationships, mental health
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struggles.
And the way we see ourselves,
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the truth will set you free so
that you can walk every day in
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the freedom.
God desires for you.
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It's time to let go of the
pressures insecurities and
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burdens.
That's not yours to carry.
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Thanks for joining us.
Welcome back.
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Thank you so much for tuning in
to head to Heart podcast.
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I'm your host Jenny and today is
a solo episode.
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So right about now I would
usually introduce our guests.
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Say Hi, how are you introduce
yourself to the audience but it
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is just me today and I'm going
to be honest.
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It feels very strange.
I am not used to this but I'm
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very excited to share what I
want to share today.
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It feels very raw and vulnerable
to be saying this By myself and
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telling my own personal story.
But I felt like it was really
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necessary, which is another
reason why I'm so excited to be
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sharing it.
So I'll say some fun facts about
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me so you can get to know me a
little bit better.
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I am very passionate about
journaling, plants youth
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ministry.
And I'm currently getting my
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Bachelor's in counseling, and I,
thank God that I am nearly
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almost done.
It has been quite a journey, but
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we are.
I can see the Horizon will say
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that but what have I been set
free from I wanted to tell you
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guys that I have been set free
from a false sense of safety
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that I got from partnering with
fear.
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And this safety was actually
keeping me in Perpetual
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disappointment and I had a very
Twisted view of God's love.
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This Freedom that I've been
experiencing has actually been
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developing in my heart for the
past two years or so.
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And I've just gone to deeper
levels of it as the Lord has
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revealed more things to bring up
fix heel and then walk it out in
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my I actually have four very
thick notebook sitting next to
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me right now that are filled
with things that I was wrestling
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with in the last two years that
have to do with this topic.
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So the reason I wanted to share
this today is because when the
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Lord revealed this, to me, it
felt very individual.
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I thought, you know, I've never
really met anyone else who has a
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similar struggle, so it's
probably me.
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And and other people probably
wrestle with similar aspects of
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it, but not the exact thing.
But as time passed, I have seen
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over and over again just how
common this issue is.
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I've met friends and women.
I'm entering women who have
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mentored me and I've just
continually met more and more
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people as time has gone on that
have struggled with this same
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exact thing.
And that was really hard for me
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to believe.
At first, I thought it was just
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me, I'm going to be honest and
now I get to share my story
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knowing that maybe other people
have struggled with this.
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Who are listening, maybe not
every single one of you, but I
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hope that this helps you step
into Freedom, like, God has
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helped me step into freedom.
So this all started when I was
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born, I'm just kidding.
So rewind the story.
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All the way back to when I was
13 years old, I got saved at 13.
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And then, when I was 14, I
started liking this boy.
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And this boy, let me tell you
was a few years older than me
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and was just bad news.
He was just bad news all around,
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he didn't love the Lord, he
didn't have good morals and I
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ended up putting my identity in
him basically.
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Lee.
I didn't know who I was apart
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from what other people said
about me.
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So this was a very unhealthy
situation.
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Do you ever want to go back to
your past self and just like
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give them a pep talk and be like
if only I had known this
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information back then if I could
go back to my 14 year old self,
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I would say Jenny move on, just
move on, Don't Look Back, just
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move on.
Keep moving forward I liked him
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so much but I was also taking
what he said about me and I was
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like that has to be true.
That would change like every day
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and it was a mess.
And then, as the year went on, I
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remember God, specifically asked
me to let go of him.
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And this was like the first
time, I remember hearing such a
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clear Audible Voice of God.
I don't know if I've ever heard
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it this clearly and this loudly
since then, but I remember God
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asked me to let go of him and
that was the last thing on
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earth, I wanted to do.
Because in my mind, this guy was
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like part of my identity out.
Like if I don't know who I am
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letting go of him, is not going
to help that issue because I put
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my identity and who he said I
was So eventually a few months
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later, I did let go of him.
I Surrender him to the Lord.
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I said you know what's best and
I don't and I'm so sorry.
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So he was out of my life and I
felt so free.
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Once I did that, I started
realizing who God says that I am
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So that's eventually what I did
and it was so so helpful for me
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I didn't want to do it in the
moment but God knew what was
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best and I'm so thankful that I
ultimately obeyed him fast
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forward.
I'm 20 years old, I am in
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college.
I'm studying Intercultural
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studies, I love in life and then
I start liking this guy.
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So this guy is really kind, he's
hilarious very honest.
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He has a lot of integrity.
Has a stable job, all the things
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you really want a man and I
started to just like him more
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and more as I got to know him.
So you would think this would be
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an exciting thing in my life.
I was actually distraught over
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it.
Remember telling my friend,
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Victoria hedger, who was on an
episode of this podcast.
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In case you need to go back and
pause this right now.
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Go back, listen to hers.
It's called can I be a depressed
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Christian?
Highly recommend.
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So I remember telling her, I
can't like him.
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Like I'm just going to get
disappointed.
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I can't do this.
I'm Victoria was awesome.
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She was just talking me through
and help me process.
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And I realized I just had this
overwhelming feeling of.
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I just don't think I can have
that.
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I don't think I can have a
healthy romantic relationship.
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Did I know exactly why, I felt
that way.
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Not really.
I just felt like disqualified
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for some reason, I knew in my
head that it would go, well,
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either way, if we didn't end up
dating, or we ended up dating if
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I brought it to God, I was like,
well, I want To be involved in
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every area of my life.
I do trust him.
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I think so I should pray about
this, but I was so nervous to
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pray about it because I just
assumed God would say, no, I
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would just assume God would be
like, let me stop you right
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there.
No, not good.
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Let's move on.
And when I did actually muster
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up the courage to pray about it,
I didn't hear a no.
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Now, I also didn't hear a direct
like yes, he's the one go there
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for get married and have babies.
I just To make that clear, but I
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didn't hear a no.
I actually started to seek the
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Lord, and I found out that God
is love.
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And so, I had this idea in my
head, like, God doesn't want me
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to be a romantic relationship
ever.
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He just wants me off for herself
because then I'll love God more.
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If I'm dating than I, then I'll
not have enough time to spend
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the Lord, and I just felt like
God was against a relationship
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for me, but I found out in
seeking him that he is not
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against that.
And so I got this hope in my
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heart like maybe this was for
me, I felt a lot less shame and
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quite a bit more freedom, came
into my life, and my
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relationship with God fast
forward, one more year, I'm 21,
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we've started dating and I am
just falling in love.
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This is a great relationship.
We have similar values, we enjoy
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hanging out with one another.
He's so humble wheezes, such a
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good healthy relationship and we
complement each other really
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well.
Yet.
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I am so anxious.
So you would think that this is
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like a great thing in my life
and it was, but I was struggling
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with anxiety so much during that
time thing xiety would seem to
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come in waves and it would feel
like a sudden Avalanche of what
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ifs.
So my mind would just suddenly
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be buzzing with these what ifs?
Like what if he breaks up with
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me?
What if we talk about getting
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engaged and then God just tells
me no break it off.
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What if he's actually really
bad?
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For me and no one's telling me
what if something's wrong?
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I don't find out till much
later.
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What if what if what if my mind
would just seem to go off The
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Rocker at certain times of the
day?
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And I didn't know why.
So I sat down, I was trying to
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figure out like, why does this
keep happening to me?
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Why do I feel this Avalanche of
what ifs all of the sudden?
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If this is truly a good and
healthy relationship?
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So I kept asking God.
I was like, I don't want to live
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in this anxiety and I don't know
why this is happening.
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I want to trust you and I
realized through seeking him
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that I was so disappointed.
When God told me to let go of
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that boy.
Way back when I was 14 that I
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was so terrified to Hope.
Again, I realized now of course
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looking back.
I'm like, yeah, that guy wasn't
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good for me and God told me to
let go because it was what was
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best.
Last.
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But in that moment, where I felt
so disappointed, it was hard for
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me to ever get my hopes up ever
again, that God would want a
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good relationship for me.
And I felt challenged in my
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spirit to learn how God is the
perfect father, because good
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Fathers Delight in their
children's Joy, they give them
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good gifts, just because it's
not necessarily because it's her
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birthday.
It's not necessarily because
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They've done something to earn a
good gift, sometimes it's just
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because that's their kid.
Sometimes they prevent their
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children from getting what they
immediately want, but it is
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because that's what's best for
them.
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It's not just to taunt them or
to teach them a lesson in my
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head.
I wasn't making that connection
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of.
Okay, that's what good fathers
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do.
So God must be even better
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because he's the perfect father.
That was like a bizarre concept
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to me.
This Really boiled down to some
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core beliefs that I held about
God and they were now coming to
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the surface.
So one of them was God, doesn't
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want to give me good things to,
was that God wants me to suffer
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because I grow through suffering
and three was that God is not
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truly safe.
I can't trust him.
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He might trick me.
And I justify these beliefs in
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my head for so long.
I thought, well, you know, I
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shouldn't enjoy something in my
life too much.
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That's not God, because he could
take it away from me any time he
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chooses, but he would turn it
for good and he would like work
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through it so that I could
encourage others.
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Or if this relationship ended in
a breakup, God would be my
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comfort and he would teach me a
lot in the heartache and those
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things are true.
God would Be my comfort and he
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would teach me a lot in that
heartache, but God did not want
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me to live in this mindset of
thinking that God Delights in my
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suffering because that's when I
learned the most.
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But I chose to live in this
Perpetual state of
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disappointment because it felt
safer to me than letting myself
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be happy and then be let down
again.
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So, ultimately, what was
happening is that every good
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thing that God allowed into my
life, I was refusing to truly
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enjoy It because I was afraid,
God was going to rip it away
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from me to teach me a lesson.
And I find that this happens a
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lot in the church.
Isn't that terrible?
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We pray these safe.
Prayers that don't reflect our
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00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:40,300
true desires because well I
don't want to ask this huge
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00:12:40,300 --> 00:12:43,100
thing of God and then expect him
to do it and then he doesn't do
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00:12:43,100 --> 00:12:44,700
it.
And then I'm just disappointed
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00:12:44,700 --> 00:12:47,400
again.
Who do we think God is?
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00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:51,000
It's like, we think, will don't
enjoy it too much, because, as
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00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:54,500
soon as I Fully enjoy this gift
God's just going to sucker.
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00:12:54,500 --> 00:12:57,100
Punch me in the gut and say
gotcha it was a test.
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00:12:57,100 --> 00:12:58,800
I just wanted to teach you a
lesson.
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00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:02,200
Honestly if a father did that I
would say that's pretty
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00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:06,600
manipulative and it's like we're
practicing that we believe in
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00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:12,400
Jinx like oh once you enjoy it,
boom there it's gone and so I
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00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:16,300
was just challenged to think of
God as a good father, actual
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00:13:16,700 --> 00:13:20,600
good and true father.
That didn't want to just rip a
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00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:25,500
good thing away from me in order
to make my character better or
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00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:29,500
to make me depend on him more.
Because that the way that I was
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00:13:29,500 --> 00:13:32,700
viewing it in my head was
actually very manipulative.
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00:13:36,900 --> 00:13:40,000
Believe me, I love being
organized just as much as the
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00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:43,000
next person but I have found a
pattern in my life.
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00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:44,600
When I try to use a basic
planner.
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00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:48,500
It's goes like this.
I'm going strong writing down
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00:13:48,500 --> 00:13:52,000
what I need to do until
Thanksgiving comes around and
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00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:54,200
then I forget the planner exist
until the new year.
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00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:57,700
In January.
I'm committed and excited to get
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00:13:57,700 --> 00:14:01,500
organized but once March hits.
I can't even find the thing
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00:14:01,500 --> 00:14:04,000
anymore.
Have you ever?
243
00:14:04,100 --> 00:14:07,400
Since this, do you ever feel
like you want to get organized
244
00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:11,400
but just don't have the time to.
Let me tell you about life in
245
00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:15,100
order life and order is a
business that makes 100%
246
00:14:15,100 --> 00:14:18,800
customized Bola journals to help
set you up to thrive in your
247
00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:22,200
goals business relationships and
personal growth.
248
00:14:23,300 --> 00:14:26,300
My bullet Journal has been a
game changer for me, and the
249
00:14:26,300 --> 00:14:29,500
best part about it was that it
was already set up for what I
250
00:14:29,500 --> 00:14:33,400
personally needed in my life.
Now I can keep track of how much
251
00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:35,500
water I drink.
Ink and how often I'm
252
00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:38,500
journaling.
I also requested to put a page
253
00:14:38,500 --> 00:14:42,200
in there, specifically dedicated
to honey bees because who
254
00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:44,100
doesn't need more honey bees in
their life.
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So I highly encourage you take
initiative to order one and your
260
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future self will personally come
back to you of today, and thank
261
00:15:09,900 --> 00:15:16,000
you.
So now, speaking more generally,
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00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:21,400
I feel like in the church, I've
noticed that when hurting people
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00:15:21,500 --> 00:15:23,800
in the church say, like, you
know, this terrible thing
264
00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:26,200
happened in my life.
I had someone passed away.
265
00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:30,400
I lost my job.
I got laid off, I Have a family
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00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:32,300
member who's really suffering
right now.
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00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:36,800
We tend to just slap these
phrases onto those situations
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00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:38,600
and we say, well, God has a
plan.
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00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:42,400
He'll work it out or we say,
well, God's not worried, he will
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00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:44,100
help you, he will make it better
soon.
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00:15:44,500 --> 00:15:48,900
And that is fully true.
Those statements are true but
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00:15:48,900 --> 00:15:53,100
saying those statements right
away instead of empathizing with
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00:15:53,100 --> 00:15:55,400
that person at first thing.
I'm so sorry.
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00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:57,800
That is so hard.
I am so sorry you're going
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00:15:57,800 --> 00:16:01,400
through this slapping those
Phrases on them, right away.
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00:16:01,700 --> 00:16:04,000
Could teach them that?
God doesn't really care about
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00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:06,600
their suffering?
It's kind of saying.
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00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:09,300
Well, you know, you don't have
to be sad for long, don't worry?
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00:16:09,300 --> 00:16:11,000
Because he's going to make it
better right away.
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00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:15,400
I think we need to exercise,
true, empathy, and sit with
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00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:18,200
others in their pain.
Because it'll remind the hurting
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00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:21,900
person that they're not alone,
it will remind them that God
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00:16:21,900 --> 00:16:24,700
also sits with them in their
pain.
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00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:30,500
So in that belief, we are saying
that we believe God Gives and
285
00:16:30,500 --> 00:16:33,000
takes away.
That's true.
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00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:37,200
I think that we're also saying
in that belief, God is the
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00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:42,000
author of good and of evil.
Sometimes we think well, this
288
00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:47,900
bad thing happened in my life
and God is here, I know he was
289
00:16:47,900 --> 00:16:50,800
aware that it happened.
I know that he listens to my
290
00:16:50,800 --> 00:16:54,600
prayers and if he doesn't answer
my prayers directly how I want
291
00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:56,700
them to be answered, then we
think we'll God.
292
00:16:56,700 --> 00:17:00,100
Did this to me?
Or he's trying to fix me.
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00:17:00,100 --> 00:17:01,900
He's trying to teach me a
lesson.
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00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:05,900
Listen through this and that is
a very Twisted view of his love.
295
00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:09,700
So I just want to say to anyone
who is listening, who feels that
296
00:17:09,700 --> 00:17:11,599
they resonate with those beliefs
in some way.
297
00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:15,099
It was not God who hurt you.
He did.
298
00:17:15,099 --> 00:17:17,300
Not rip the rug out from under
you.
299
00:17:17,599 --> 00:17:22,099
It was not God who disappointed
you, we live in a broken world
300
00:17:22,099 --> 00:17:26,400
where sin and suffering both
exist, but he does not Delight
301
00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:29,400
in your suffering.
This reminds me a lot of
302
00:17:29,700 --> 00:17:32,600
Lazarus.
His story is that Hers was
303
00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:35,300
really sick and Mary and Martha
were there comforting him,
304
00:17:35,300 --> 00:17:39,600
helping him, try to get better,
and Jesus knew that this was
305
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:43,800
happening, and he was walking to
go meet them there, where
306
00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:47,900
Lazarus Mary and Martha were
staying and Lazarus died while
307
00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:52,200
Jesus was on his way there.
So, Mary and Martha are
308
00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:54,400
grieving, of course, and they
buried him.
309
00:17:54,500 --> 00:17:58,800
Jesus, finally gets there on the
scene and both Mary and Martha,
310
00:17:59,100 --> 00:18:01,900
say like Jesus, if you had been
here Lazarus.
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00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:03,800
Wouldn't have died.
And we wouldn't have been
312
00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:07,300
grieving right now and Jesus
tells them, I will raise him
313
00:18:07,300 --> 00:18:10,700
again and they think he's
talking about when Jesus comes
314
00:18:10,700 --> 00:18:14,300
back and the dead are raised to
life again.
315
00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:17,600
And I get to be in heaven with
Jesus, but he's actually talking
316
00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:22,400
about here on this Earth.
And so, Jesus, cries and Grieves
317
00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:27,100
with Mary and Martha, even
though he knows he is literally
318
00:18:27,100 --> 00:18:31,200
going to raise Lazarus from the
dead very soon, like, within the
319
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:35,100
hour, I think that speaks to
God's character that he has
320
00:18:35,100 --> 00:18:38,400
emotions.
He is not manipulative, and he
321
00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:41,500
Grieves with us when hard things
happen in our lives.
322
00:18:41,700 --> 00:18:44,100
It doesn't mean that he was the
cause of it.
323
00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:48,400
When we remove God, from the
antagonist seat of Our Lives
324
00:18:48,500 --> 00:18:50,200
thinking, like he's out to get
me.
325
00:18:50,700 --> 00:18:53,600
He wants to teach me a lesson.
He's going to do it in painful
326
00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:59,700
ways and we see him as he truly
is, as truly pure and good and
327
00:18:59,700 --> 00:19:05,200
for you than Everything Changes.
There's this quote by Jackie
328
00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:08,600
Hill Perry that I heard recently
it is good stuff.
329
00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:13,200
She says in his Holiness it is
impossible for God to sin which
330
00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:16,100
means it is impossible for God
to sin against you.
331
00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:21,200
It just challenges me like how
safe do I really think God is?
332
00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:25,200
If I give him my true desires,
do I really believe that he
333
00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:29,200
knows what is best for me and is
going to do those things and he
334
00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:31,300
is not going to withhold his
goodness.
335
00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:35,900
In order to teach me a lesson,
this also reminded me of a
336
00:19:35,900 --> 00:19:41,800
little over a year ago.
I went home for Christmas and
337
00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:46,400
covid-19 pit as we all have
experienced and know and I was
338
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:49,500
so Nervous that my dad would get
sick from covid.
339
00:19:49,500 --> 00:19:54,000
I was nervous that it wouldn't
be good on his body that he
340
00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:55,600
wouldn't be able to fully
recover.
341
00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:58,900
And so I was praying like Lord,
I don't want anyone in my family
342
00:19:58,900 --> 00:20:01,300
to get sick, but especially my
dad.
343
00:20:01,300 --> 00:20:03,500
I pray that you will keep him
safe.
344
00:20:03,500 --> 00:20:08,900
If anyone gets sick, I pray,
it's not my dad and so, my worst
345
00:20:08,900 --> 00:20:12,100
fear basically came true, is
that towards the end of
346
00:20:12,100 --> 00:20:14,500
Christmas break.
My dad ended up getting covid.
347
00:20:14,500 --> 00:20:19,400
And I was so, So nervous.
I was like, I prayed.
348
00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:22,300
This wouldn't happen, but it did
happen but maybe it's going to
349
00:20:22,300 --> 00:20:24,700
be okay.
And then my dad ended up going
350
00:20:24,700 --> 00:20:26,500
to the hospital because of covid
complications.
351
00:20:26,500 --> 00:20:30,800
So when that day came where I
learned, he had gone to the
352
00:20:30,808 --> 00:20:33,500
hospital.
I was so nervous that he was
353
00:20:33,500 --> 00:20:37,100
either going to die or get out
of the hospital and not be the
354
00:20:37,100 --> 00:20:41,200
same.
So I remember thinking this was
355
00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:45,700
the exact thing that I prayed
wouldn't happen and it did
356
00:20:45,700 --> 00:20:51,500
happen and I just felt Confused
and mad not necessarily mad at
357
00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:53,500
God, but just mad at the world
at the time.
358
00:20:53,500 --> 00:20:57,000
And I prayed with one of my
friends and she was like, why
359
00:20:57,000 --> 00:21:01,200
don't we pray that God shows you
his heart and what he was
360
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:03,400
actually doing in that moment
that you found out, your dad,
361
00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:08,500
went to the hospital.
So we prayed and I kid you not,
362
00:21:08,500 --> 00:21:12,500
I pictured that moment where I
was in a Walmart and I got the
363
00:21:12,500 --> 00:21:13,900
phone call that my dad had gone
to the hospital.
364
00:21:13,900 --> 00:21:19,200
And I remember seeing Seeing
God, the Father, Like wrap a
365
00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:23,900
blanket around me, and then
Jesus, taking my hand and
366
00:21:23,900 --> 00:21:25,700
saying, like you're going to be
okay.
367
00:21:26,100 --> 00:21:29,100
And then the Holy Spirit handed
me a box of tissues.
368
00:21:30,700 --> 00:21:33,700
I just thought it was so sweet
and it showed me.
369
00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:36,900
God is not the one who was doing
that.
370
00:21:36,900 --> 00:21:39,200
God was not the one who put my
dad in the hospital.
371
00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:43,300
He is not the author of evil,
and that was what brought me so
372
00:21:43,300 --> 00:21:46,600
much comfort.
In that time end of the story is
373
00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:49,900
my Actually did end up
recovering and he is safe and
374
00:21:49,900 --> 00:21:52,500
well now.
But I think that that situation
375
00:21:52,700 --> 00:21:57,300
helps me accurately Define
safety, we say things like,
376
00:21:57,300 --> 00:22:00,900
well, I'm safe in the father,
I'm safe in the love of God.
377
00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:02,800
What does that actually mean to
us?
378
00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:06,200
It doesn't mean that bad things.
Don't happen to us because they
379
00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:08,800
do.
It doesn't mean that we won't go
380
00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:12,500
through suffering because we
will, it doesn't mean that God
381
00:22:12,500 --> 00:22:15,100
will prevent all bad things from
happening to us.
382
00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:19,700
It does mean that know No matter
what happens, your salvation
383
00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:23,500
cannot be taken away from you.
It means that God will always be
384
00:22:23,500 --> 00:22:25,800
with you.
It means that your Eternal home
385
00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:28,000
is in heaven.
That your god-given identity
386
00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:30,500
does not change.
It means that he does hear your
387
00:22:30,500 --> 00:22:34,200
prayers and he will answer them.
And his love for you will never
388
00:22:34,200 --> 00:22:36,400
stop.
Those are the promises that we
389
00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:39,000
get from the word of God.
And that's what it actually
390
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:40,200
means to be safe.
And him.
391
00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:43,900
That those things we know, for
sure, it has nothing to do with
392
00:22:43,900 --> 00:22:47,300
our circumstances, in our life
saying that will always be Even
393
00:22:47,300 --> 00:22:50,300
those because those change on
the daily as we all know
394
00:22:50,700 --> 00:22:53,100
something that I realized in
that time where my dad was in
395
00:22:53,100 --> 00:22:56,700
the hospital, I learned that in
order to be someone who can
396
00:22:56,700 --> 00:23:00,300
truly laugh at the days to come,
which is something that Solomon
397
00:23:00,300 --> 00:23:03,600
wrote in Proverbs 31.
I was thinking myself.
398
00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:05,400
How could I laugh at the days to
come?
399
00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:08,200
I have no idea what's going to
come and that makes me so
400
00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:10,200
nervous.
Bad things could happen in the
401
00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:12,200
future and I have no control
over them.
402
00:23:12,700 --> 00:23:16,000
But in order to laugh at the
days to come, I can have
403
00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:20,300
confidence in God's character
that he doesn't change that, he
404
00:23:20,300 --> 00:23:23,400
is for me, no matter what is
happening in my outside
405
00:23:23,400 --> 00:23:26,400
circumstances, and that is who I
can trust.
406
00:23:26,600 --> 00:23:28,100
So, I hope this is all making
sense.
407
00:23:28,100 --> 00:23:32,800
As I'm piecing it, together of,
just me realizing that my safety
408
00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:35,700
is in the Lord, because he is
the one who doesn't change.
409
00:23:36,300 --> 00:23:40,800
And I know that actually
believing these things gives us
410
00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:46,400
the courage to risk to take
chances since these promises are
411
00:23:46,400 --> 00:23:52,000
true.
We can be free to fail and free
412
00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:54,300
to succeed.
We can be free to take that risk
413
00:23:54,300 --> 00:23:55,900
of landing on either one of
them.
414
00:23:56,500 --> 00:24:00,400
And during all this time, I was
reading this wonderful book.
415
00:24:00,400 --> 00:24:02,600
So I highly recommend, you get
this book.
416
00:24:02,700 --> 00:24:05,700
If anything I'm saying is
resonating with you, it's by
417
00:24:05,700 --> 00:24:08,200
burn a brown, and it's called
daring greatly.
418
00:24:08,900 --> 00:24:11,400
So this book is about
vulnerability, and how it's
419
00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:14,900
actually are super power and not
something that's a liability or
420
00:24:14,900 --> 00:24:19,000
weakness, and there's this one.
Chapter about how we all put on
421
00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:24,400
Armor per se metaphorical armor.
And these pieces of armor are
422
00:24:24,700 --> 00:24:29,500
the little ways that we avoid
being vulnerable that we avoid
423
00:24:29,500 --> 00:24:34,800
feeling exposed, or we avoid
feeling, like we could be hurt
424
00:24:34,800 --> 00:24:38,100
at any time.
So, I was reading this book and
425
00:24:38,100 --> 00:24:40,700
one of the pieces of armor that
we could put on, is a technique
426
00:24:40,700 --> 00:24:43,900
called foreboding Joy.
I had never heard the word
427
00:24:43,900 --> 00:24:48,800
foreboding before this book, but
Joy is a technique that we can
428
00:24:48,800 --> 00:24:52,200
use in order to deflect
vulnerability and it keeps us
429
00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:54,800
feeling safe, but we're not
actually safe.
430
00:24:54,800 --> 00:24:58,400
We're just not fully living.
So, foreboding Joy.
431
00:24:58,500 --> 00:25:02,300
Let me give you an example.
Is when you would imagine
432
00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:06,100
something horrific happening in
your head, when that is not
433
00:25:06,100 --> 00:25:08,500
actually happening in your
reality.
434
00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:11,600
Let's say, you are driving in
the car with your family.
435
00:25:11,600 --> 00:25:15,000
You're on a family road trip,
and you're in the car, you feel
436
00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:17,100
so safe?
You're like, wow, we do Never
437
00:25:17,100 --> 00:25:20,000
get this time together.
This is so sweet and then all
438
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:23,500
the sudden in your imagination,
you'll picture a car accident
439
00:25:23,500 --> 00:25:27,700
happening.
That imagination of yours was a
440
00:25:27,700 --> 00:25:30,700
technique that you use to keep
yourself.
441
00:25:30,700 --> 00:25:35,500
Feeling not as vulnerable
because to feel joyful is to be
442
00:25:35,500 --> 00:25:38,300
vulnerable.
When you allow yourself to feel
443
00:25:38,300 --> 00:25:41,300
happy, you're not on guard.
If that makes sense.
444
00:25:41,500 --> 00:25:46,800
You're not holding yourself
back, you're allowing yourself.
445
00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:50,600
To just experience the joy that
is happening in your life right
446
00:25:50,600 --> 00:25:53,400
now.
And when we put that
447
00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:57,200
hypothetical situation in our
minds, it keeps our heart from
448
00:25:57,200 --> 00:26:00,300
feeling so vulnerable.
And that's what I was doing when
449
00:26:00,300 --> 00:26:03,700
I started dating Joseph, I was
picturing these bad things
450
00:26:03,700 --> 00:26:07,200
happening or I was like, what if
this happens?
451
00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:10,300
What if that happens, what if
something goes really wrong?
452
00:26:10,500 --> 00:26:14,400
Because I was feeling happy, I
was feeling very grateful for
453
00:26:14,400 --> 00:26:16,700
him and that this was something
that I wanted.
454
00:26:16,700 --> 00:26:19,400
I I wanted to be in a
relationship with him, but I had
455
00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:23,100
such a hard time trusting the
Lord with that because I was
456
00:26:23,100 --> 00:26:25,600
like, what?
If something bad happens then
457
00:26:25,800 --> 00:26:28,600
I'll get hurt.
What if God wants to teach me a
458
00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:33,200
lesson by ripping him away from
me and those were not good or
459
00:26:33,200 --> 00:26:36,300
Pure or true thoughts.
As Philippians 4:8 tells us to
460
00:26:36,300 --> 00:26:40,600
dwell on, but there is hope
there is hope I promise.
461
00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:45,900
So, in this book daring, greatly
brene, Brown says that a cure to
462
00:26:45,900 --> 00:26:48,100
foreboding Joy.
Is thankfulness.
463
00:26:48,100 --> 00:26:53,200
So, in the times where you start
to imagine something bad
464
00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:55,800
happening because it keeps you
from feeling so happy, so
465
00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:59,000
vulnerable like, it could just
be taken away from you and any
466
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:04,500
moment, the cure to that is to
just be grateful to say, I am so
467
00:27:04,500 --> 00:27:07,300
grateful that I am in a car with
my family and we get this time
468
00:27:07,300 --> 00:27:10,200
together, instead of letting
your imagination, go to a
469
00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:13,800
horrible Place.
Practicing out loud saying I am,
470
00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:17,700
so thankful that I get to spend
this time with my family.
471
00:27:17,900 --> 00:27:20,100
I am so thankful.
I'm in this relationship right
472
00:27:20,100 --> 00:27:22,200
now.
I am so thankful that even
473
00:27:22,200 --> 00:27:25,100
though I don't know what the
future holds I have today.
474
00:27:25,100 --> 00:27:28,800
And I know God is with me today.
So that is something I've been
475
00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:32,600
practicing continually and I am
actually able to enjoy good
476
00:27:32,600 --> 00:27:35,300
moments in my life.
Now, instead of worrying, how
477
00:27:35,300 --> 00:27:39,000
they'll be taken away from me.
So I would ask you dear
478
00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:41,500
audience.
How could you apply this to your
479
00:27:41,500 --> 00:27:42,600
life?
Do you fly?
480
00:27:42,600 --> 00:27:44,200
You struggle with foreboding
Joy?
481
00:27:44,200 --> 00:27:48,600
Often do you actually end up
worrying with anxiety when good
482
00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:51,000
things come into your life?
Because you worry that God's
483
00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:54,600
going to take it away from you?
What do you believe about God's
484
00:27:54,600 --> 00:27:56,500
fatherhood?
And how he father's you?
485
00:27:56,900 --> 00:28:01,200
Do you think that he is the
author of both evil and good?
486
00:28:01,500 --> 00:28:04,800
Do you actually live your life
like his promises are true.
487
00:28:05,100 --> 00:28:08,600
Like his character won't change.
Those are just some questions
488
00:28:08,600 --> 00:28:12,600
for you to ponder but I thank
you guys for listening.
489
00:28:12,900 --> 00:28:15,400
I thank you for tuning in today
of all the podcasts.
490
00:28:15,600 --> 00:28:18,200
You could have listened to thank
you for choosing head to heart.
491
00:28:18,900 --> 00:28:22,000
I challenge you to just apply
this to your life in some way.
492
00:28:22,200 --> 00:28:24,900
And if you don't personally
struggle with this or haven't in
493
00:28:24,908 --> 00:28:27,900
your life, I would encourage you
to share this episode with
494
00:28:27,900 --> 00:28:31,300
someone in your life who has
struggled with this, so that
495
00:28:31,300 --> 00:28:33,600
they can get free from that
anxiety as well.
496
00:28:37,700 --> 00:28:40,200
Thank you so much for listening
to this episode of head to Heart
497
00:28:40,200 --> 00:28:42,600
podcast.
It's a joy to record them and a
498
00:28:42,608 --> 00:28:45,300
joy to have you.
Listen, if you have any topics
499
00:28:45,300 --> 00:28:48,000
in mind, you'd like us to cover,
go ahead and send us a message
500
00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:50,400
on Instagram.
The handle is head to Heart
501
00:28:50,400 --> 00:28:53,700
underscore podcast.
Make sure you subscribe as a way
502
00:28:53,700 --> 00:28:55,800
of making sure you never miss an
episode.
503
00:28:56,100 --> 00:28:58,800
And if you would be so kind go
ahead and leave us a rating and
504
00:28:58,800 --> 00:29:01,900
review on Apple podcasts, it
helps out the show so much when
505
00:29:01,900 --> 00:29:04,400
you do.
We'll be releasing episodes.
506
00:29:04,400 --> 00:29:07,300
Do you every other Friday.
So stay tuned and thanks for
507
00:29:07,300 --> 00:29:07,900
joining us.
00:00:03,400 --> 00:00:06,700
Welcome to head to her podcast.
I'm your host Jenny Markham.
2
00:00:07,400 --> 00:00:10,700
This Bi weekly podcast is
designed to be a safe space to
3
00:00:10,700 --> 00:00:12,700
admit what we truly believe in
our hearts.
4
00:00:13,200 --> 00:00:15,600
We all know the difference
between just having biblical
5
00:00:15,600 --> 00:00:18,900
knowledge floating around in our
heads and actually believing
6
00:00:18,900 --> 00:00:21,500
that it's true.
Until God's truth makes its way
7
00:00:21,500 --> 00:00:24,600
into our hearts.
Nothing changes will be doing a
8
00:00:24,600 --> 00:00:27,700
mix of solo episodes and
interviews with friends who have
9
00:00:27,700 --> 00:00:30,400
experience the freedom that
comes when head knowledge
10
00:00:30,500 --> 00:00:33,000
Knowledge becomes heart
knowledge will talk about
11
00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:36,000
overcoming lies in our
relationships, mental health
12
00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:38,200
struggles.
And the way we see ourselves,
13
00:00:38,900 --> 00:00:42,300
the truth will set you free so
that you can walk every day in
14
00:00:42,300 --> 00:00:43,900
the freedom.
God desires for you.
15
00:00:44,500 --> 00:00:46,800
It's time to let go of the
pressures insecurities and
16
00:00:46,800 --> 00:00:48,900
burdens.
That's not yours to carry.
17
00:00:49,300 --> 00:00:55,600
Thanks for joining us.
Welcome back.
18
00:00:55,700 --> 00:00:59,100
Thank you so much for tuning in
to head to Heart podcast.
19
00:00:59,100 --> 00:01:03,200
I'm your host Jenny and today is
a solo episode.
20
00:01:03,500 --> 00:01:06,500
So right about now I would
usually introduce our guests.
21
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:09,900
Say Hi, how are you introduce
yourself to the audience but it
22
00:01:09,900 --> 00:01:13,700
is just me today and I'm going
to be honest.
23
00:01:13,700 --> 00:01:18,100
It feels very strange.
I am not used to this but I'm
24
00:01:18,100 --> 00:01:20,500
very excited to share what I
want to share today.
25
00:01:20,700 --> 00:01:25,800
It feels very raw and vulnerable
to be saying this By myself and
26
00:01:25,800 --> 00:01:29,100
telling my own personal story.
But I felt like it was really
27
00:01:29,100 --> 00:01:32,500
necessary, which is another
reason why I'm so excited to be
28
00:01:32,500 --> 00:01:35,600
sharing it.
So I'll say some fun facts about
29
00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:37,200
me so you can get to know me a
little bit better.
30
00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:41,000
I am very passionate about
journaling, plants youth
31
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:43,100
ministry.
And I'm currently getting my
32
00:01:43,100 --> 00:01:46,400
Bachelor's in counseling, and I,
thank God that I am nearly
33
00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:50,300
almost done.
It has been quite a journey, but
34
00:01:50,300 --> 00:01:53,000
we are.
I can see the Horizon will say
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00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:58,300
that but what have I been set
free from I wanted to tell you
36
00:01:58,300 --> 00:02:02,100
guys that I have been set free
from a false sense of safety
37
00:02:02,100 --> 00:02:04,300
that I got from partnering with
fear.
38
00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:08,000
And this safety was actually
keeping me in Perpetual
39
00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:11,500
disappointment and I had a very
Twisted view of God's love.
40
00:02:12,300 --> 00:02:15,200
This Freedom that I've been
experiencing has actually been
41
00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:18,500
developing in my heart for the
past two years or so.
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00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:21,900
And I've just gone to deeper
levels of it as the Lord has
43
00:02:21,900 --> 00:02:27,000
revealed more things to bring up
fix heel and then walk it out in
44
00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:30,200
my I actually have four very
thick notebook sitting next to
45
00:02:30,208 --> 00:02:33,100
me right now that are filled
with things that I was wrestling
46
00:02:33,100 --> 00:02:36,200
with in the last two years that
have to do with this topic.
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00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:41,200
So the reason I wanted to share
this today is because when the
48
00:02:41,200 --> 00:02:44,600
Lord revealed this, to me, it
felt very individual.
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00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:48,200
I thought, you know, I've never
really met anyone else who has a
50
00:02:48,208 --> 00:02:51,200
similar struggle, so it's
probably me.
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00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:55,100
And and other people probably
wrestle with similar aspects of
52
00:02:55,100 --> 00:03:00,100
it, but not the exact thing.
But as time passed, I have seen
53
00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:04,700
over and over again just how
common this issue is.
54
00:03:05,100 --> 00:03:09,100
I've met friends and women.
I'm entering women who have
55
00:03:09,100 --> 00:03:12,300
mentored me and I've just
continually met more and more
56
00:03:12,300 --> 00:03:15,900
people as time has gone on that
have struggled with this same
57
00:03:15,900 --> 00:03:18,500
exact thing.
And that was really hard for me
58
00:03:18,500 --> 00:03:19,900
to believe.
At first, I thought it was just
59
00:03:19,900 --> 00:03:24,100
me, I'm going to be honest and
now I get to share my story
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00:03:24,100 --> 00:03:27,000
knowing that maybe other people
have struggled with this.
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00:03:27,100 --> 00:03:29,600
Who are listening, maybe not
every single one of you, but I
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00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:33,600
hope that this helps you step
into Freedom, like, God has
63
00:03:33,700 --> 00:03:39,300
helped me step into freedom.
So this all started when I was
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00:03:39,300 --> 00:03:42,400
born, I'm just kidding.
So rewind the story.
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00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:46,600
All the way back to when I was
13 years old, I got saved at 13.
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00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:50,700
And then, when I was 14, I
started liking this boy.
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00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:55,100
And this boy, let me tell you
was a few years older than me
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00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:58,700
and was just bad news.
He was just bad news all around,
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00:03:58,700 --> 00:04:03,100
he didn't love the Lord, he
didn't have good morals and I
70
00:04:03,100 --> 00:04:05,800
ended up putting my identity in
him basically.
71
00:04:05,900 --> 00:04:08,200
Lee.
I didn't know who I was apart
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00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:11,200
from what other people said
about me.
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00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:13,900
So this was a very unhealthy
situation.
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00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:17,399
Do you ever want to go back to
your past self and just like
75
00:04:17,399 --> 00:04:20,399
give them a pep talk and be like
if only I had known this
76
00:04:20,399 --> 00:04:23,900
information back then if I could
go back to my 14 year old self,
77
00:04:23,900 --> 00:04:27,500
I would say Jenny move on, just
move on, Don't Look Back, just
78
00:04:27,500 --> 00:04:31,100
move on.
Keep moving forward I liked him
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00:04:31,100 --> 00:04:34,400
so much but I was also taking
what he said about me and I was
80
00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:37,700
like that has to be true.
That would change like every day
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00:04:37,900 --> 00:04:42,100
and it was a mess.
And then, as the year went on, I
82
00:04:42,100 --> 00:04:45,600
remember God, specifically asked
me to let go of him.
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00:04:45,900 --> 00:04:49,000
And this was like the first
time, I remember hearing such a
84
00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:52,900
clear Audible Voice of God.
I don't know if I've ever heard
85
00:04:52,900 --> 00:04:58,300
it this clearly and this loudly
since then, but I remember God
86
00:04:58,300 --> 00:05:01,100
asked me to let go of him and
that was the last thing on
87
00:05:01,100 --> 00:05:04,200
earth, I wanted to do.
Because in my mind, this guy was
88
00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:09,300
like part of my identity out.
Like if I don't know who I am
89
00:05:09,700 --> 00:05:12,500
letting go of him, is not going
to help that issue because I put
90
00:05:12,500 --> 00:05:16,600
my identity and who he said I
was So eventually a few months
91
00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:20,500
later, I did let go of him.
I Surrender him to the Lord.
92
00:05:20,500 --> 00:05:25,600
I said you know what's best and
I don't and I'm so sorry.
93
00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:29,500
So he was out of my life and I
felt so free.
94
00:05:29,500 --> 00:05:34,700
Once I did that, I started
realizing who God says that I am
95
00:05:35,700 --> 00:05:39,400
So that's eventually what I did
and it was so so helpful for me
96
00:05:39,700 --> 00:05:42,500
I didn't want to do it in the
moment but God knew what was
97
00:05:42,500 --> 00:05:46,800
best and I'm so thankful that I
ultimately obeyed him fast
98
00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:50,000
forward.
I'm 20 years old, I am in
99
00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:52,700
college.
I'm studying Intercultural
100
00:05:52,700 --> 00:05:57,400
studies, I love in life and then
I start liking this guy.
101
00:05:58,200 --> 00:06:03,300
So this guy is really kind, he's
hilarious very honest.
102
00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:07,400
He has a lot of integrity.
Has a stable job, all the things
103
00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:10,700
you really want a man and I
started to just like him more
104
00:06:10,700 --> 00:06:13,700
and more as I got to know him.
So you would think this would be
105
00:06:13,700 --> 00:06:18,200
an exciting thing in my life.
I was actually distraught over
106
00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:20,200
it.
Remember telling my friend,
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00:06:20,200 --> 00:06:23,500
Victoria hedger, who was on an
episode of this podcast.
108
00:06:23,500 --> 00:06:26,200
In case you need to go back and
pause this right now.
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00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:29,100
Go back, listen to hers.
It's called can I be a depressed
110
00:06:29,100 --> 00:06:30,500
Christian?
Highly recommend.
111
00:06:30,900 --> 00:06:33,600
So I remember telling her, I
can't like him.
112
00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:35,200
Like I'm just going to get
disappointed.
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00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:37,700
I can't do this.
I'm Victoria was awesome.
114
00:06:37,700 --> 00:06:40,000
She was just talking me through
and help me process.
115
00:06:40,300 --> 00:06:43,200
And I realized I just had this
overwhelming feeling of.
116
00:06:43,700 --> 00:06:45,700
I just don't think I can have
that.
117
00:06:45,700 --> 00:06:48,900
I don't think I can have a
healthy romantic relationship.
118
00:06:49,100 --> 00:06:51,400
Did I know exactly why, I felt
that way.
119
00:06:51,700 --> 00:06:54,100
Not really.
I just felt like disqualified
120
00:06:54,100 --> 00:06:58,400
for some reason, I knew in my
head that it would go, well,
121
00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:03,400
either way, if we didn't end up
dating, or we ended up dating if
122
00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:06,300
I brought it to God, I was like,
well, I want To be involved in
123
00:07:06,300 --> 00:07:08,600
every area of my life.
I do trust him.
124
00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:13,700
I think so I should pray about
this, but I was so nervous to
125
00:07:13,700 --> 00:07:17,900
pray about it because I just
assumed God would say, no, I
126
00:07:17,900 --> 00:07:20,200
would just assume God would be
like, let me stop you right
127
00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:22,200
there.
No, not good.
128
00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:26,100
Let's move on.
And when I did actually muster
129
00:07:26,100 --> 00:07:29,600
up the courage to pray about it,
I didn't hear a no.
130
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:33,700
Now, I also didn't hear a direct
like yes, he's the one go there
131
00:07:33,700 --> 00:07:36,800
for get married and have babies.
I just To make that clear, but I
132
00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:39,800
didn't hear a no.
I actually started to seek the
133
00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:44,000
Lord, and I found out that God
is love.
134
00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:47,400
And so, I had this idea in my
head, like, God doesn't want me
135
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:49,300
to be a romantic relationship
ever.
136
00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:52,700
He just wants me off for herself
because then I'll love God more.
137
00:07:52,700 --> 00:07:56,300
If I'm dating than I, then I'll
not have enough time to spend
138
00:07:56,300 --> 00:08:00,600
the Lord, and I just felt like
God was against a relationship
139
00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:04,400
for me, but I found out in
seeking him that he is not
140
00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:07,500
against that.
And so I got this hope in my
141
00:08:07,500 --> 00:08:12,200
heart like maybe this was for
me, I felt a lot less shame and
142
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:14,700
quite a bit more freedom, came
into my life, and my
143
00:08:14,700 --> 00:08:19,400
relationship with God fast
forward, one more year, I'm 21,
144
00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:23,000
we've started dating and I am
just falling in love.
145
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:26,600
This is a great relationship.
We have similar values, we enjoy
146
00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:30,500
hanging out with one another.
He's so humble wheezes, such a
147
00:08:30,500 --> 00:08:33,900
good healthy relationship and we
complement each other really
148
00:08:33,900 --> 00:08:36,000
well.
Yet.
149
00:08:36,100 --> 00:08:39,700
I am so anxious.
So you would think that this is
150
00:08:39,700 --> 00:08:44,000
like a great thing in my life
and it was, but I was struggling
151
00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:48,600
with anxiety so much during that
time thing xiety would seem to
152
00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:52,700
come in waves and it would feel
like a sudden Avalanche of what
153
00:08:52,700 --> 00:08:55,400
ifs.
So my mind would just suddenly
154
00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:58,700
be buzzing with these what ifs?
Like what if he breaks up with
155
00:08:58,700 --> 00:09:00,400
me?
What if we talk about getting
156
00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:02,900
engaged and then God just tells
me no break it off.
157
00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:04,900
What if he's actually really
bad?
158
00:09:05,100 --> 00:09:07,600
For me and no one's telling me
what if something's wrong?
159
00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:09,200
I don't find out till much
later.
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00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:13,900
What if what if what if my mind
would just seem to go off The
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00:09:13,900 --> 00:09:16,500
Rocker at certain times of the
day?
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00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:20,300
And I didn't know why.
So I sat down, I was trying to
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00:09:20,308 --> 00:09:22,900
figure out like, why does this
keep happening to me?
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00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:27,000
Why do I feel this Avalanche of
what ifs all of the sudden?
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00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:29,600
If this is truly a good and
healthy relationship?
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00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:35,200
So I kept asking God.
I was like, I don't want to live
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00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,900
in this anxiety and I don't know
why this is happening.
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00:09:37,900 --> 00:09:42,100
I want to trust you and I
realized through seeking him
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00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:45,900
that I was so disappointed.
When God told me to let go of
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00:09:45,900 --> 00:09:49,100
that boy.
Way back when I was 14 that I
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00:09:49,100 --> 00:09:54,600
was so terrified to Hope.
Again, I realized now of course
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00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:56,900
looking back.
I'm like, yeah, that guy wasn't
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00:09:56,900 --> 00:10:00,200
good for me and God told me to
let go because it was what was
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00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:00,800
best.
Last.
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00:10:01,300 --> 00:10:05,500
But in that moment, where I felt
so disappointed, it was hard for
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00:10:05,500 --> 00:10:10,000
me to ever get my hopes up ever
again, that God would want a
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00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:13,200
good relationship for me.
And I felt challenged in my
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00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:18,700
spirit to learn how God is the
perfect father, because good
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00:10:18,700 --> 00:10:22,300
Fathers Delight in their
children's Joy, they give them
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00:10:22,300 --> 00:10:26,200
good gifts, just because it's
not necessarily because it's her
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00:10:26,200 --> 00:10:29,600
birthday.
It's not necessarily because
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00:10:30,300 --> 00:10:34,100
They've done something to earn a
good gift, sometimes it's just
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00:10:34,100 --> 00:10:38,300
because that's their kid.
Sometimes they prevent their
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00:10:38,300 --> 00:10:42,100
children from getting what they
immediately want, but it is
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00:10:42,100 --> 00:10:43,700
because that's what's best for
them.
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00:10:43,900 --> 00:10:47,500
It's not just to taunt them or
to teach them a lesson in my
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00:10:47,500 --> 00:10:49,600
head.
I wasn't making that connection
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00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:52,800
of.
Okay, that's what good fathers
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00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:55,200
do.
So God must be even better
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00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:58,700
because he's the perfect father.
That was like a bizarre concept
191
00:10:58,700 --> 00:11:01,600
to me.
This Really boiled down to some
192
00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:04,800
core beliefs that I held about
God and they were now coming to
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00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:07,800
the surface.
So one of them was God, doesn't
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00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:13,300
want to give me good things to,
was that God wants me to suffer
195
00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:18,400
because I grow through suffering
and three was that God is not
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00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:20,300
truly safe.
I can't trust him.
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00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:23,900
He might trick me.
And I justify these beliefs in
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00:11:23,900 --> 00:11:28,000
my head for so long.
I thought, well, you know, I
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00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:31,000
shouldn't enjoy something in my
life too much.
200
00:11:31,100 --> 00:11:34,500
That's not God, because he could
take it away from me any time he
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00:11:34,500 --> 00:11:38,100
chooses, but he would turn it
for good and he would like work
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00:11:38,100 --> 00:11:40,800
through it so that I could
encourage others.
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00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:45,700
Or if this relationship ended in
a breakup, God would be my
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00:11:45,700 --> 00:11:49,600
comfort and he would teach me a
lot in the heartache and those
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00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:52,900
things are true.
God would Be my comfort and he
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00:11:52,900 --> 00:11:56,900
would teach me a lot in that
heartache, but God did not want
207
00:11:56,900 --> 00:12:02,300
me to live in this mindset of
thinking that God Delights in my
208
00:12:02,300 --> 00:12:04,900
suffering because that's when I
learned the most.
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00:12:05,100 --> 00:12:08,000
But I chose to live in this
Perpetual state of
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00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:12,000
disappointment because it felt
safer to me than letting myself
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00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:14,000
be happy and then be let down
again.
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00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:16,900
So, ultimately, what was
happening is that every good
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00:12:16,900 --> 00:12:21,200
thing that God allowed into my
life, I was refusing to truly
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00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:24,900
enjoy It because I was afraid,
God was going to rip it away
215
00:12:24,900 --> 00:12:29,100
from me to teach me a lesson.
And I find that this happens a
216
00:12:29,100 --> 00:12:32,100
lot in the church.
Isn't that terrible?
217
00:12:32,300 --> 00:12:35,600
We pray these safe.
Prayers that don't reflect our
218
00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:40,300
true desires because well I
don't want to ask this huge
219
00:12:40,300 --> 00:12:43,100
thing of God and then expect him
to do it and then he doesn't do
220
00:12:43,100 --> 00:12:44,700
it.
And then I'm just disappointed
221
00:12:44,700 --> 00:12:47,400
again.
Who do we think God is?
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00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:51,000
It's like, we think, will don't
enjoy it too much, because, as
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00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:54,500
soon as I Fully enjoy this gift
God's just going to sucker.
224
00:12:54,500 --> 00:12:57,100
Punch me in the gut and say
gotcha it was a test.
225
00:12:57,100 --> 00:12:58,800
I just wanted to teach you a
lesson.
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00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:02,200
Honestly if a father did that I
would say that's pretty
227
00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:06,600
manipulative and it's like we're
practicing that we believe in
228
00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:12,400
Jinx like oh once you enjoy it,
boom there it's gone and so I
229
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:16,300
was just challenged to think of
God as a good father, actual
230
00:13:16,700 --> 00:13:20,600
good and true father.
That didn't want to just rip a
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00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:25,500
good thing away from me in order
to make my character better or
232
00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:29,500
to make me depend on him more.
Because that the way that I was
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00:13:29,500 --> 00:13:32,700
viewing it in my head was
actually very manipulative.
234
00:13:36,900 --> 00:13:40,000
Believe me, I love being
organized just as much as the
235
00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:43,000
next person but I have found a
pattern in my life.
236
00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:44,600
When I try to use a basic
planner.
237
00:13:45,400 --> 00:13:48,500
It's goes like this.
I'm going strong writing down
238
00:13:48,500 --> 00:13:52,000
what I need to do until
Thanksgiving comes around and
239
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:54,200
then I forget the planner exist
until the new year.
240
00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:57,700
In January.
I'm committed and excited to get
241
00:13:57,700 --> 00:14:01,500
organized but once March hits.
I can't even find the thing
242
00:14:01,500 --> 00:14:04,000
anymore.
Have you ever?
243
00:14:04,100 --> 00:14:07,400
Since this, do you ever feel
like you want to get organized
244
00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:11,400
but just don't have the time to.
Let me tell you about life in
245
00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:15,100
order life and order is a
business that makes 100%
246
00:14:15,100 --> 00:14:18,800
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set you up to thrive in your
247
00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:22,200
goals business relationships and
personal growth.
248
00:14:23,300 --> 00:14:26,300
My bullet Journal has been a
game changer for me, and the
249
00:14:26,300 --> 00:14:29,500
best part about it was that it
was already set up for what I
250
00:14:29,500 --> 00:14:33,400
personally needed in my life.
Now I can keep track of how much
251
00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:35,500
water I drink.
Ink and how often I'm
252
00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:38,500
journaling.
I also requested to put a page
253
00:14:38,500 --> 00:14:42,200
in there, specifically dedicated
to honey bees because who
254
00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:44,100
doesn't need more honey bees in
their life.
255
00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:47,800
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259
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initiative to order one and your
260
00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:09,900
future self will personally come
back to you of today, and thank
261
00:15:09,900 --> 00:15:16,000
you.
So now, speaking more generally,
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00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:21,400
I feel like in the church, I've
noticed that when hurting people
263
00:15:21,500 --> 00:15:23,800
in the church say, like, you
know, this terrible thing
264
00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:26,200
happened in my life.
I had someone passed away.
265
00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:30,400
I lost my job.
I got laid off, I Have a family
266
00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:32,300
member who's really suffering
right now.
267
00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:36,800
We tend to just slap these
phrases onto those situations
268
00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:38,600
and we say, well, God has a
plan.
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00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:42,400
He'll work it out or we say,
well, God's not worried, he will
270
00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:44,100
help you, he will make it better
soon.
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00:15:44,500 --> 00:15:48,900
And that is fully true.
Those statements are true but
272
00:15:48,900 --> 00:15:53,100
saying those statements right
away instead of empathizing with
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00:15:53,100 --> 00:15:55,400
that person at first thing.
I'm so sorry.
274
00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:57,800
That is so hard.
I am so sorry you're going
275
00:15:57,800 --> 00:16:01,400
through this slapping those
Phrases on them, right away.
276
00:16:01,700 --> 00:16:04,000
Could teach them that?
God doesn't really care about
277
00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:06,600
their suffering?
It's kind of saying.
278
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:09,300
Well, you know, you don't have
to be sad for long, don't worry?
279
00:16:09,300 --> 00:16:11,000
Because he's going to make it
better right away.
280
00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:15,400
I think we need to exercise,
true, empathy, and sit with
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00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:18,200
others in their pain.
Because it'll remind the hurting
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00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:21,900
person that they're not alone,
it will remind them that God
283
00:16:21,900 --> 00:16:24,700
also sits with them in their
pain.
284
00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:30,500
So in that belief, we are saying
that we believe God Gives and
285
00:16:30,500 --> 00:16:33,000
takes away.
That's true.
286
00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:37,200
I think that we're also saying
in that belief, God is the
287
00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:42,000
author of good and of evil.
Sometimes we think well, this
288
00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:47,900
bad thing happened in my life
and God is here, I know he was
289
00:16:47,900 --> 00:16:50,800
aware that it happened.
I know that he listens to my
290
00:16:50,800 --> 00:16:54,600
prayers and if he doesn't answer
my prayers directly how I want
291
00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:56,700
them to be answered, then we
think we'll God.
292
00:16:56,700 --> 00:17:00,100
Did this to me?
Or he's trying to fix me.
293
00:17:00,100 --> 00:17:01,900
He's trying to teach me a
lesson.
294
00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:05,900
Listen through this and that is
a very Twisted view of his love.
295
00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:09,700
So I just want to say to anyone
who is listening, who feels that
296
00:17:09,700 --> 00:17:11,599
they resonate with those beliefs
in some way.
297
00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:15,099
It was not God who hurt you.
He did.
298
00:17:15,099 --> 00:17:17,300
Not rip the rug out from under
you.
299
00:17:17,599 --> 00:17:22,099
It was not God who disappointed
you, we live in a broken world
300
00:17:22,099 --> 00:17:26,400
where sin and suffering both
exist, but he does not Delight
301
00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:29,400
in your suffering.
This reminds me a lot of
302
00:17:29,700 --> 00:17:32,600
Lazarus.
His story is that Hers was
303
00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:35,300
really sick and Mary and Martha
were there comforting him,
304
00:17:35,300 --> 00:17:39,600
helping him, try to get better,
and Jesus knew that this was
305
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:43,800
happening, and he was walking to
go meet them there, where
306
00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:47,900
Lazarus Mary and Martha were
staying and Lazarus died while
307
00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:52,200
Jesus was on his way there.
So, Mary and Martha are
308
00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:54,400
grieving, of course, and they
buried him.
309
00:17:54,500 --> 00:17:58,800
Jesus, finally gets there on the
scene and both Mary and Martha,
310
00:17:59,100 --> 00:18:01,900
say like Jesus, if you had been
here Lazarus.
311
00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:03,800
Wouldn't have died.
And we wouldn't have been
312
00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:07,300
grieving right now and Jesus
tells them, I will raise him
313
00:18:07,300 --> 00:18:10,700
again and they think he's
talking about when Jesus comes
314
00:18:10,700 --> 00:18:14,300
back and the dead are raised to
life again.
315
00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:17,600
And I get to be in heaven with
Jesus, but he's actually talking
316
00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:22,400
about here on this Earth.
And so, Jesus, cries and Grieves
317
00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:27,100
with Mary and Martha, even
though he knows he is literally
318
00:18:27,100 --> 00:18:31,200
going to raise Lazarus from the
dead very soon, like, within the
319
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:35,100
hour, I think that speaks to
God's character that he has
320
00:18:35,100 --> 00:18:38,400
emotions.
He is not manipulative, and he
321
00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:41,500
Grieves with us when hard things
happen in our lives.
322
00:18:41,700 --> 00:18:44,100
It doesn't mean that he was the
cause of it.
323
00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:48,400
When we remove God, from the
antagonist seat of Our Lives
324
00:18:48,500 --> 00:18:50,200
thinking, like he's out to get
me.
325
00:18:50,700 --> 00:18:53,600
He wants to teach me a lesson.
He's going to do it in painful
326
00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:59,700
ways and we see him as he truly
is, as truly pure and good and
327
00:18:59,700 --> 00:19:05,200
for you than Everything Changes.
There's this quote by Jackie
328
00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:08,600
Hill Perry that I heard recently
it is good stuff.
329
00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:13,200
She says in his Holiness it is
impossible for God to sin which
330
00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:16,100
means it is impossible for God
to sin against you.
331
00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:21,200
It just challenges me like how
safe do I really think God is?
332
00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:25,200
If I give him my true desires,
do I really believe that he
333
00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:29,200
knows what is best for me and is
going to do those things and he
334
00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:31,300
is not going to withhold his
goodness.
335
00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:35,900
In order to teach me a lesson,
this also reminded me of a
336
00:19:35,900 --> 00:19:41,800
little over a year ago.
I went home for Christmas and
337
00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:46,400
covid-19 pit as we all have
experienced and know and I was
338
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:49,500
so Nervous that my dad would get
sick from covid.
339
00:19:49,500 --> 00:19:54,000
I was nervous that it wouldn't
be good on his body that he
340
00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:55,600
wouldn't be able to fully
recover.
341
00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:58,900
And so I was praying like Lord,
I don't want anyone in my family
342
00:19:58,900 --> 00:20:01,300
to get sick, but especially my
dad.
343
00:20:01,300 --> 00:20:03,500
I pray that you will keep him
safe.
344
00:20:03,500 --> 00:20:08,900
If anyone gets sick, I pray,
it's not my dad and so, my worst
345
00:20:08,900 --> 00:20:12,100
fear basically came true, is
that towards the end of
346
00:20:12,100 --> 00:20:14,500
Christmas break.
My dad ended up getting covid.
347
00:20:14,500 --> 00:20:19,400
And I was so, So nervous.
I was like, I prayed.
348
00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:22,300
This wouldn't happen, but it did
happen but maybe it's going to
349
00:20:22,300 --> 00:20:24,700
be okay.
And then my dad ended up going
350
00:20:24,700 --> 00:20:26,500
to the hospital because of covid
complications.
351
00:20:26,500 --> 00:20:30,800
So when that day came where I
learned, he had gone to the
352
00:20:30,808 --> 00:20:33,500
hospital.
I was so nervous that he was
353
00:20:33,500 --> 00:20:37,100
either going to die or get out
of the hospital and not be the
354
00:20:37,100 --> 00:20:41,200
same.
So I remember thinking this was
355
00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:45,700
the exact thing that I prayed
wouldn't happen and it did
356
00:20:45,700 --> 00:20:51,500
happen and I just felt Confused
and mad not necessarily mad at
357
00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:53,500
God, but just mad at the world
at the time.
358
00:20:53,500 --> 00:20:57,000
And I prayed with one of my
friends and she was like, why
359
00:20:57,000 --> 00:21:01,200
don't we pray that God shows you
his heart and what he was
360
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:03,400
actually doing in that moment
that you found out, your dad,
361
00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:08,500
went to the hospital.
So we prayed and I kid you not,
362
00:21:08,500 --> 00:21:12,500
I pictured that moment where I
was in a Walmart and I got the
363
00:21:12,500 --> 00:21:13,900
phone call that my dad had gone
to the hospital.
364
00:21:13,900 --> 00:21:19,200
And I remember seeing Seeing
God, the Father, Like wrap a
365
00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:23,900
blanket around me, and then
Jesus, taking my hand and
366
00:21:23,900 --> 00:21:25,700
saying, like you're going to be
okay.
367
00:21:26,100 --> 00:21:29,100
And then the Holy Spirit handed
me a box of tissues.
368
00:21:30,700 --> 00:21:33,700
I just thought it was so sweet
and it showed me.
369
00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:36,900
God is not the one who was doing
that.
370
00:21:36,900 --> 00:21:39,200
God was not the one who put my
dad in the hospital.
371
00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:43,300
He is not the author of evil,
and that was what brought me so
372
00:21:43,300 --> 00:21:46,600
much comfort.
In that time end of the story is
373
00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:49,900
my Actually did end up
recovering and he is safe and
374
00:21:49,900 --> 00:21:52,500
well now.
But I think that that situation
375
00:21:52,700 --> 00:21:57,300
helps me accurately Define
safety, we say things like,
376
00:21:57,300 --> 00:22:00,900
well, I'm safe in the father,
I'm safe in the love of God.
377
00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:02,800
What does that actually mean to
us?
378
00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:06,200
It doesn't mean that bad things.
Don't happen to us because they
379
00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:08,800
do.
It doesn't mean that we won't go
380
00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:12,500
through suffering because we
will, it doesn't mean that God
381
00:22:12,500 --> 00:22:15,100
will prevent all bad things from
happening to us.
382
00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:19,700
It does mean that know No matter
what happens, your salvation
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00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:23,500
cannot be taken away from you.
It means that God will always be
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00:22:23,500 --> 00:22:25,800
with you.
It means that your Eternal home
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00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:28,000
is in heaven.
That your god-given identity
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00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:30,500
does not change.
It means that he does hear your
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00:22:30,500 --> 00:22:34,200
prayers and he will answer them.
And his love for you will never
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00:22:34,200 --> 00:22:36,400
stop.
Those are the promises that we
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00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:39,000
get from the word of God.
And that's what it actually
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00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:40,200
means to be safe.
And him.
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00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:43,900
That those things we know, for
sure, it has nothing to do with
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00:22:43,900 --> 00:22:47,300
our circumstances, in our life
saying that will always be Even
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00:22:47,300 --> 00:22:50,300
those because those change on
the daily as we all know
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00:22:50,700 --> 00:22:53,100
something that I realized in
that time where my dad was in
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00:22:53,100 --> 00:22:56,700
the hospital, I learned that in
order to be someone who can
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00:22:56,700 --> 00:23:00,300
truly laugh at the days to come,
which is something that Solomon
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00:23:00,300 --> 00:23:03,600
wrote in Proverbs 31.
I was thinking myself.
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00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:05,400
How could I laugh at the days to
come?
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00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:08,200
I have no idea what's going to
come and that makes me so
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00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:10,200
nervous.
Bad things could happen in the
401
00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:12,200
future and I have no control
over them.
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00:23:12,700 --> 00:23:16,000
But in order to laugh at the
days to come, I can have
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00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:20,300
confidence in God's character
that he doesn't change that, he
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00:23:20,300 --> 00:23:23,400
is for me, no matter what is
happening in my outside
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00:23:23,400 --> 00:23:26,400
circumstances, and that is who I
can trust.
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00:23:26,600 --> 00:23:28,100
So, I hope this is all making
sense.
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00:23:28,100 --> 00:23:32,800
As I'm piecing it, together of,
just me realizing that my safety
408
00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:35,700
is in the Lord, because he is
the one who doesn't change.
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00:23:36,300 --> 00:23:40,800
And I know that actually
believing these things gives us
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00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:46,400
the courage to risk to take
chances since these promises are
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00:23:46,400 --> 00:23:52,000
true.
We can be free to fail and free
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00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:54,300
to succeed.
We can be free to take that risk
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00:23:54,300 --> 00:23:55,900
of landing on either one of
them.
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00:23:56,500 --> 00:24:00,400
And during all this time, I was
reading this wonderful book.
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00:24:00,400 --> 00:24:02,600
So I highly recommend, you get
this book.
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00:24:02,700 --> 00:24:05,700
If anything I'm saying is
resonating with you, it's by
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00:24:05,700 --> 00:24:08,200
burn a brown, and it's called
daring greatly.
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00:24:08,900 --> 00:24:11,400
So this book is about
vulnerability, and how it's
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00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:14,900
actually are super power and not
something that's a liability or
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00:24:14,900 --> 00:24:19,000
weakness, and there's this one.
Chapter about how we all put on
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00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:24,400
Armor per se metaphorical armor.
And these pieces of armor are
422
00:24:24,700 --> 00:24:29,500
the little ways that we avoid
being vulnerable that we avoid
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00:24:29,500 --> 00:24:34,800
feeling exposed, or we avoid
feeling, like we could be hurt
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00:24:34,800 --> 00:24:38,100
at any time.
So, I was reading this book and
425
00:24:38,100 --> 00:24:40,700
one of the pieces of armor that
we could put on, is a technique
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00:24:40,700 --> 00:24:43,900
called foreboding Joy.
I had never heard the word
427
00:24:43,900 --> 00:24:48,800
foreboding before this book, but
Joy is a technique that we can
428
00:24:48,800 --> 00:24:52,200
use in order to deflect
vulnerability and it keeps us
429
00:24:52,200 --> 00:24:54,800
feeling safe, but we're not
actually safe.
430
00:24:54,800 --> 00:24:58,400
We're just not fully living.
So, foreboding Joy.
431
00:24:58,500 --> 00:25:02,300
Let me give you an example.
Is when you would imagine
432
00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:06,100
something horrific happening in
your head, when that is not
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00:25:06,100 --> 00:25:08,500
actually happening in your
reality.
434
00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:11,600
Let's say, you are driving in
the car with your family.
435
00:25:11,600 --> 00:25:15,000
You're on a family road trip,
and you're in the car, you feel
436
00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:17,100
so safe?
You're like, wow, we do Never
437
00:25:17,100 --> 00:25:20,000
get this time together.
This is so sweet and then all
438
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:23,500
the sudden in your imagination,
you'll picture a car accident
439
00:25:23,500 --> 00:25:27,700
happening.
That imagination of yours was a
440
00:25:27,700 --> 00:25:30,700
technique that you use to keep
yourself.
441
00:25:30,700 --> 00:25:35,500
Feeling not as vulnerable
because to feel joyful is to be
442
00:25:35,500 --> 00:25:38,300
vulnerable.
When you allow yourself to feel
443
00:25:38,300 --> 00:25:41,300
happy, you're not on guard.
If that makes sense.
444
00:25:41,500 --> 00:25:46,800
You're not holding yourself
back, you're allowing yourself.
445
00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:50,600
To just experience the joy that
is happening in your life right
446
00:25:50,600 --> 00:25:53,400
now.
And when we put that
447
00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:57,200
hypothetical situation in our
minds, it keeps our heart from
448
00:25:57,200 --> 00:26:00,300
feeling so vulnerable.
And that's what I was doing when
449
00:26:00,300 --> 00:26:03,700
I started dating Joseph, I was
picturing these bad things
450
00:26:03,700 --> 00:26:07,200
happening or I was like, what if
this happens?
451
00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:10,300
What if that happens, what if
something goes really wrong?
452
00:26:10,500 --> 00:26:14,400
Because I was feeling happy, I
was feeling very grateful for
453
00:26:14,400 --> 00:26:16,700
him and that this was something
that I wanted.
454
00:26:16,700 --> 00:26:19,400
I I wanted to be in a
relationship with him, but I had
455
00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:23,100
such a hard time trusting the
Lord with that because I was
456
00:26:23,100 --> 00:26:25,600
like, what?
If something bad happens then
457
00:26:25,800 --> 00:26:28,600
I'll get hurt.
What if God wants to teach me a
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00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:33,200
lesson by ripping him away from
me and those were not good or
459
00:26:33,200 --> 00:26:36,300
Pure or true thoughts.
As Philippians 4:8 tells us to
460
00:26:36,300 --> 00:26:40,600
dwell on, but there is hope
there is hope I promise.
461
00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:45,900
So, in this book daring, greatly
brene, Brown says that a cure to
462
00:26:45,900 --> 00:26:48,100
foreboding Joy.
Is thankfulness.
463
00:26:48,100 --> 00:26:53,200
So, in the times where you start
to imagine something bad
464
00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:55,800
happening because it keeps you
from feeling so happy, so
465
00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:59,000
vulnerable like, it could just
be taken away from you and any
466
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:04,500
moment, the cure to that is to
just be grateful to say, I am so
467
00:27:04,500 --> 00:27:07,300
grateful that I am in a car with
my family and we get this time
468
00:27:07,300 --> 00:27:10,200
together, instead of letting
your imagination, go to a
469
00:27:10,200 --> 00:27:13,800
horrible Place.
Practicing out loud saying I am,
470
00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:17,700
so thankful that I get to spend
this time with my family.
471
00:27:17,900 --> 00:27:20,100
I am so thankful.
I'm in this relationship right
472
00:27:20,100 --> 00:27:22,200
now.
I am so thankful that even
473
00:27:22,200 --> 00:27:25,100
though I don't know what the
future holds I have today.
474
00:27:25,100 --> 00:27:28,800
And I know God is with me today.
So that is something I've been
475
00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:32,600
practicing continually and I am
actually able to enjoy good
476
00:27:32,600 --> 00:27:35,300
moments in my life.
Now, instead of worrying, how
477
00:27:35,300 --> 00:27:39,000
they'll be taken away from me.
So I would ask you dear
478
00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:41,500
audience.
How could you apply this to your
479
00:27:41,500 --> 00:27:42,600
life?
Do you fly?
480
00:27:42,600 --> 00:27:44,200
You struggle with foreboding
Joy?
481
00:27:44,200 --> 00:27:48,600
Often do you actually end up
worrying with anxiety when good
482
00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:51,000
things come into your life?
Because you worry that God's
483
00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:54,600
going to take it away from you?
What do you believe about God's
484
00:27:54,600 --> 00:27:56,500
fatherhood?
And how he father's you?
485
00:27:56,900 --> 00:28:01,200
Do you think that he is the
author of both evil and good?
486
00:28:01,500 --> 00:28:04,800
Do you actually live your life
like his promises are true.
487
00:28:05,100 --> 00:28:08,600
Like his character won't change.
Those are just some questions
488
00:28:08,600 --> 00:28:12,600
for you to ponder but I thank
you guys for listening.
489
00:28:12,900 --> 00:28:15,400
I thank you for tuning in today
of all the podcasts.
490
00:28:15,600 --> 00:28:18,200
You could have listened to thank
you for choosing head to heart.
491
00:28:18,900 --> 00:28:22,000
I challenge you to just apply
this to your life in some way.
492
00:28:22,200 --> 00:28:24,900
And if you don't personally
struggle with this or haven't in
493
00:28:24,908 --> 00:28:27,900
your life, I would encourage you
to share this episode with
494
00:28:27,900 --> 00:28:31,300
someone in your life who has
struggled with this, so that
495
00:28:31,300 --> 00:28:33,600
they can get free from that
anxiety as well.
496
00:28:37,700 --> 00:28:40,200
Thank you so much for listening
to this episode of head to Heart
497
00:28:40,200 --> 00:28:42,600
podcast.
It's a joy to record them and a
498
00:28:42,608 --> 00:28:45,300
joy to have you.
Listen, if you have any topics
499
00:28:45,300 --> 00:28:48,000
in mind, you'd like us to cover,
go ahead and send us a message
500
00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:50,400
on Instagram.
The handle is head to Heart
501
00:28:50,400 --> 00:28:53,700
underscore podcast.
Make sure you subscribe as a way
502
00:28:53,700 --> 00:28:55,800
of making sure you never miss an
episode.
503
00:28:56,100 --> 00:28:58,800
And if you would be so kind go
ahead and leave us a rating and
504
00:28:58,800 --> 00:29:01,900
review on Apple podcasts, it
helps out the show so much when
505
00:29:01,900 --> 00:29:04,400
you do.
We'll be releasing episodes.
506
00:29:04,400 --> 00:29:07,300
Do you every other Friday.
So stay tuned and thanks for
507
00:29:07,300 --> 00:29:07,900
joining us.