Is it better to be in a relationship where you’re constantly contorting yourself to avoid saying “no,” or one where your partner can’t say “no” at all?

Trick question. The answer is neither.

In this episode of @DoAsWeSayPod, @DrNerdLove and @DrLizPowell are joined by author, educator, and longtime member of Philadelphia’s polyamory community, Kevin Patterson. They read two stories that seem completely unrelated, but share the same uncomfortable truth: relationships stop being healthy when someone else’s autonomy disappears.

First, they dive into a spectacularly tangled Reddit post where a Dungeons and Dragons group has become a web of people-pleasing, poor communication, and emotional control. Then they discuss a Wired profile of Mystery (a pickup artist who rose to fame in the early 2000s) and his new AI girlfriend, exploring what it means to build intimacy with a partner who can never truly disagree.

Prepare yourself for:
• Harris’ 15 minutes of reality TV fame?!?!
• The D&D to poly pipeline
• How control can come from someone who acts like the victim
• The appeal (and danger) of a frictionless or only friction relationship
• The rise and fall of the early 2000s pickup scene
• Building an AI to train people into being better
• Healthy boundaries require honest “yes’s” and “no’s”

From people-pleasing and emotional control to AI companions designed to agree with you, get ready for insightful takes about building healthy relationships that have boundaries, mutual respect, and a willingness to hear (and say) “no.”

Who Is Kevin Patterson?
Kevin Patterson is a member of the Philadelphia polyamory community. He’s been practicing ethical nonmonogamy since August of 2002 after opening up a relationship that eventually became his marriage.

Kevin’s work focused on polyamorous representation, leading to a blog project, Poly Role Models, the award-winning non-fiction book, Love’s Not Color Blind: Race and Representation in Polyamorous and Other Alternative Communities, and, along with co-writer Alana Phelan, a sci-fi novel series, For Hire, which centers characters of color as well as other marginalized identities.

You can find Kevin at:
Website: https://www.kevinapatterson.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/polyrolemodels
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/polyrolemodels/
Twitter: https://x.com/PolyRoleModels
Tumblr: https://polyrolemodels.tumblr.com/

Time Stamps
00:00 - Welcome and meet Kevin Patterson
02:54 - Books by Kevin Patterson and why representation matters
05:12 - r/RelationshipProblems: a polyamorous D&D disaster
09:16 - Rules vs boundaries
13:53 - First impressions…where do we even begin
16:16 - Why Bark’s “yes” isn’t safe
20:22 - When consent stops being meaningful
24:19 - You can’t control your way out of insecurity
26:11 - The fourth option: break up
30:44 - OP’s follow-up
34:23 - Advice for Bark, Thorn, and OP
41:04 - The biggest relationship red flag
42:46 - Mystery has an AI girlfriend
50:26 - Can you really date an AI?
55:06 - Pickup artists and objectification
59:02 - AI can’t replace human relationships!
01:03:43 - AI psychosis and loneliness
01:06:14 - Please stop the AI slop
01:11:14 - Building the “perfect partner”
01:13:25 - Black Mirror’s artificial intimacy cautionary tale
01:15:35 - What if your friend starts dating an AI?
01:21: 29 - Why you need to watch Chimp Crazy
01:25:32 - Real relationships need friction
01:35:27 - Final thoughts and where to connect with Harris, Liz, and Kevin

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