#23 Q&Q — How Am I Loving Myself?
In this question-and-quote episode, Arnold Beekes tackles a question many people instinctively label selfish: how am I loving myself? He makes the case that self-love isn't ego or self-interest — it's the actual precondition for loving anyone or anything else, since a self-critical inner state directly shapes the outer reality you attract. He argues this is something to practice daily, not something to arrive at once and forget, since the inner critic most of us have built up over a lifetime doesn't disappear on its own. He pairs it with a sobering quote: "The longer you allow yourself to be damaged by negative behavior from others, the more unlikely it becomes that you can fully recover." Arnold connects this to the compounding effect of constant negative inputs — 24/7 news, complaining friends, people always comparing and criticizing — becoming your normalized environment the longer you stay in it. He shares a personal, vulnerable example: his own mother, who instinctively looked for the dark side of everything, from good weather ("but it will start to rain") to anything else in front of her, believing that worry and anxiety were somehow protective, when in reality they just made everyone around her feel lousy. His closing message: while you can't always choose your circumstances, you can choose your friends, your media, and what you read — and those choices matter more than most people realize.
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Ep 23 Between the ears Q&Q
Welcome, I'm Arnold Beekes and this is the question and quote version of the Between the Ears podcast. The goal is to enable you to unleash and use your uniqueness. Question, how am I loving myself? How am I loving myself? A lot of people would say, oh that's a selfish question, that's self-interested.
Maybe even people will use the word ego. But let it be clear, you cannot love anything or anyone else if you don't love yourself. Because the way you look at yourself, if you say, oh I'm a failure, I'm no good, I'm not good enough, I cannot do these things, I'm ugly, I'm this, I'm that, that creates your inner state.
And as I keep on saying, it's your inner state that creates your outer reality. So if my inner state is extremely critical of myself, guess what will happen on the outside? Well, you will attract a lousy environment. So everything starts with self-love, self-compassion.
And it's very relevant, am I loving to myself? How am I loving to myself? And I think that's something which we need to practice every day. Because that inner critic, which we build up that voice and we sustain that voice for most of our lives, it could be okay. But there should also be this loving force towards ourselves every day.
What I said in another podcast about everydayness. Every day we should ask ourselves, how am I loving myself? Quote, the longer you allow yourself to be damaged by negative behavior from others, the more unlikely it becomes that you can fully recover. The longer you allow yourself to be damaged by negative behavior from others, the more unlikely it becomes that you can fully recover.
If you watch the news all day, you get these folks when they get out of bed and get into the living room, they put on the TV and the news. And in some cases, they will only put the TV on when they go to bed again. What's the news saying? Shit happening in the world all the time, 24-7.
If you surround yourself with negative people, people are always complaining, people are always comparing with other people and then whining like, I don't have this, I don't have that, why do they have this? And criticizing other people all the time, criticizing all the people. If that's an environment in which you put yourself in and that's been going on for year after year after year, that will have a huge influence on you because it has become your, between quotes, normal. It's your normal that you are in an abusive, damaging environment.
The longer you get in such an environment, the more difficult it becomes to recover from that. My mother was always looking not at the bright side of things, but the dark side of things. You look at that, it's nice weather.
Yeah, but it will start to rain. Oh, no, it's cold. So everything she would look at the negative side of things.
That's because she thought that being anxious or worried or looking at these things was helpful. Well, maybe in very few cases, but in most cases, it made you feel lousy all the time. Because everything what was emphasized, the negative side of things.
So don't let the negative behavior of other people influence you. Choose an environment, at least part of the time. I know if you're a child, it's very hard to stay, but be careful about choosing your friends.
Or, well, the media that you consume, the books you read, those are choices which everyone can make himself. So remember, we need your uniqueness. Be a better maker for yourself, for others, for the world.
Explorer, Generalist, Innovator, and Trainer/Coach
Arnold Beekes is an explorer, generalist, innovator, and trainer/coach, and the founder of Arnold Beekes Creations and the Brain Athletes community. He spent his first 20 years working in technology and organisational leadership, managing teams ranging from 10 people up to 6,000 on a global scale, before dedicating the next 20 years to studying psychology, personal leadership, brain health, sports, and spirituality.
Arnold has been coaching in some form for over 50 years, starting as the youngest certified field hockey coach in the Netherlands at just 17. Having lived in five different countries, he draws on his own wide-ranging experience to help people build a better life "between the ears," one insight at a time.
Today, through Brain Athletes and his podcast, Between The Ears, Arnold helps mid-life professionals and young leaders break free from the invisible straitjackets holding them back, so they can reach their full potential and contribute to what he calls a Better World for All.
