#50 Loneliness vs Being Alone
In this episode of Between The Ears, Arnold Beekes looks at the difference between loneliness and being alone, especially among young people, though it affects people of any age. He describes a neighbour who lost his wife and keeps the radio on all day without listening, and explains how noise can drown out the inner voice we don’t want to hear. Arnold recommends turning the inner critic into an inner cheerleader, focusing on what goes right, and says that loud music, crowds, shopping or being a spectator can all stop you from hearing what your heart is saying. He explains that solitude is not the same as loneliness, and that because each of us is unique, nobody understands exactly what we think and feel, and that is nothing to be afraid of. He points to Seneca’s advice to be your own best friend and invites you to learn to enjoy your own company. The episode closes with everyday beauty: a man clearing out tool chests in a restaurant he had bought in South Carolina who found $12,000 in cash in a sunglasses case, and went on live local television to find the previous owner.
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(0:04 - 0:38)
Welcome, I'm Arnold and I enable you to have a better life between the ears, because your inner state creates your outer reality. Today's topic is about loneliness versus being alone, especially among young people, but it's around people of any age. They currently have that feeling that they are lonely.
(0:40 - 1:20)
And yeah, I know, well, mostly male friends do, especially when their relationship has ended for some kind of reason, they always put on the radio in their living room without listening to it. It's like I had a neighbor who lost his wife and the moment he comes out of his bedroom and he comes downstairs in the living room, he puts on the radio and the radio stays on until that night he goes to bed again. He doesn't listen to the radio.
(1:21 - 2:20)
It's just the noise, he needs the noise. And what does that noise do? It kind of distracts him or it camouflages the noise of his inner voice. The inner voice says something to him, which he doesn't want to hear, he doesn't like or something similar.
We are very well aware of a inner voice, it's not the only inner voice, which we call the inner critic, which goes on and on and at times can be really ugly. So what I recommend people is to change that inner critic into an inner cheerleader. Don't focus on what goes wrong, focus on what goes right.
(2:22 - 3:06)
And if you only put on the noise, you cannot hear what your heart is saying. Especially when you have that feeling that you are lonely, your heart will help you. But if you drown yourself in noise, either you put on loud music or you go to meetings with a lot of people or you go shopping in the city center or, well, you're a spectator in an event, all of these things are to distract you and they prevent you from your inner voice.
(3:06 - 3:22)
It's preventing you from listening to your heart. And a lot of people try to avoid solitude. But solitude is not the same as being lonely.
(3:22 - 3:38)
Solitude is being by yourself without anyone present. And it's not something like to be sad about or it's something like to be unhappy about. I would rather say the opposite.
(3:43 - 4:11)
In previous podcasts I've talked about that we are all unique. We have this unique combination of qualities and experiences and traumas, which makes us unique. So I would say uniqueness means, if you understand that correctly, there is nobody in the world the same as you are, the same as I am.
(4:12 - 4:33)
And by definition that creates loneliness, because there's nobody the same as you, so there's nobody who exactly understands what you're thinking or feeling. But there's nothing wrong with that. We need to learn to be comfortable in our own skin.
(4:35 - 4:47)
We need to be comfortable between our ears. And whether that is sometimes uncomfortable or comfortable, hey, that's part of the game. That's part of life.
(4:47 - 5:08)
We live in a duality. Sometimes you're comfortable, sometimes you're uncomfortable. Just accept it the way it is and start to become, as Seneca already said something like 2,000 years ago, be able to be your own best friend and you will never be alone.
(5:10 - 5:31)
So become your own best friend. It's not like I'm lonely, I don't have friends, nobody wants to be with me or talk with me or do something nice with me. Well, what about to be your own best friend? It's the only person who completely understands you.
(5:32 - 5:59)
The only person in the world who understands you is you. So change that loneliness into being alone, being in solitude and learn to enjoy your own company. Because you are someone you can rely on and solitude stops being loneliness.
(6:06 - 6:19)
Everyday beauty. We conclude each session with some examples of everyday beauty. Because beauty and especially moral beauty, kindness, courage, compassion has a very positive influence on your inner state.
(6:22 - 6:56)
I found an example which is, I think, a perfect example of moral beauty. There was a man called Sack and he has been clearing out old tool chests left behind by the man who sold him a restaurant in South Carolina when he spotted a sunglasses case tucked inside one of them. He opened it and inside was a stack of hundred dollar bills.
(6:57 - 7:07)
Twelve thousand dollars in cash. Sitting in a cabinet he was about to throw away. He immediately knew who it belonged to.
(7:08 - 7:26)
He called the previous owner's number, but it was disconnected. And with no other way to reach him, Sack contacted the local NBC affiliate and told his story on air, hoping the man might see it. Then something remarkable happened.
(7:27 - 7:39)
While the cameras were rolling, he remembered the second number saved under a different name. He called it right there live on television. And the previous owner answered.
(7:41 - 7:59)
I have some good news for you, he said. He later learned that that man was dealing with a significant health problem, which made the timing even more meaningful. But the community in which he lives now knows Sack's name and his advice.
(8:01 - 8:22)
Delivered to you with very simplicity, but very powerful is don't give up honesty. Please remember your spark is only useful if it lights up the room.
