The Voice That Saved Her: Fenix Shepard on Rock Bottom, Faith, and Being Loved Unconditionally

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): Sometimes people are like, I don't want to talk about it. I just want these memories erased or like gone or desensitized. I'm tired of seeing it. The mind remembers too much. Even though you can talk about it, people it will be like, Hey, I'm having dinner, and poop, do you remember that time when you were raped? And then you're just like, Really? Like, I just want this to go away. And so that's

SabineKvenberg.com: Yeah.

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): what I step in and do. So I step in and say,

SabineKvenberg.com: My guest today, Phenix Sheppard. She is a spiritual mentor, a trauma survivor, and unconditional counselor, helping people heal religious wounds, overcome shame and addiction, and rebuild a relationship with God beyond traditional religion. And I saw Phenix at an event, we both spoke at a FredEx and I must tell you, when I saw her before she even spoke, I felt connected to her and there was just something special about her. Hello and welcome, Fennex.

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): Aye Sabines, good to see you again.

SabineKvenberg.com: Yes, it really is. It has been a few months. but

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): Yeah.

SabineKvenberg.com: we stayed in touch via social media, thank God that is there. And I saw you when where we met first. I remember we had a conversation about your book. We met at this event that Forbes Riley put on. We both spoke there, and we had a private moment in a small room. Where we connected that it really was a hard to hard connection. Do you remember that?

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): You remember that Savinian

SabineKvenberg.com: I do. I do. Yeah, you talked about the book and about the title. It was all a little bit still in the making and we discussed that. So you recall it now?

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): Yes. Even the title of the book, which is inside the book, but it did not make it to the title page of the book. But yes, my God, I do remember that. Yeah, that was a heartfelt moment right there, Sabine. Yeah.

SabineKvenberg.com: Yeah, was. And that makes you so special because you speak from the heart. And what you do now is you are helping others to see what it takes to overcome those challenging times. And because this is what your book is all about, I want to dive right into it. So

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): Yes. Let's dive.

SabineKvenberg.com: yes, yes. So tell tell our listeners what was your moment that was very much the turning point in your life that you said, okay, I cannot continue this way. I have to change something. Lead us back to that moment.

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): In respect to that, that was at my age 30. I mean, I mean, I'm about to turn 50 in July. So we're this was 20 years ago. 20 years ago, I knew I had hit my I'm gonna say my last rock bottom. It was my last one. there was a lot of them. And I won't say rock bottoms are bad, but that was my last rock bottom, and that was the moment where I understood I needed to change. And if you don't mind, can I share that little story?

SabineKvenberg.com: Of course, please, that's what this podcast is all about. We want to hear about stories.

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): Yes! So, god, it it's even in the book. It's even in the book. So this story goes like this. I I woke up, it was 7 a.m. pouring my whiskey. I I'm a I'm an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic. I I'm not into any AA program, just God and me and and He just removed it. But that day woke up 7 a.m. drinking, angry, bitter. No self-love, no boundaries, didn't understand anything. Broken, just broken. And my then significant other, my ex-wife, current wife at that time, you know, she was angry, she left for work, and by 2 30, I am blacked out drunk, destroying everything in my home like nothing stood. cabinetry, furniture, anything that I could destroy. I was this superhuman. blacked out, destroying things, because I guess everything was just coming out at me. And she came home. I did not know that she had come home. I was blacked out. Apparently she attempted to stop me. And a couple minutes later I was able to scream, literally scream my way out to finally wake up and say, What's happening? And once I did that, I looked around the room and there she was lying on the floor and glass and shattered everywhere. Just so much destruction. And I run to her and I'm like, what happened? And she's like, I I came home. You were you were blacked out, destroying everything, and you you hit me and I fell and I called the police and I stayed on the ground to not be you know continue to get attacked. And that moment I I ran downstairs, opened the door And I was waiting for the cops. I put my hands behind my back and I said, All right, I'm about to get arrested for the final time. But it was in that jail. It was in the jail with this African American correctional officer. She was on the phone with my then wife. And they were, she was telling my my then wife was telling her everything that had happened to me and my life was horrific. And so this woman came with compassion and she said to me, You know, I just got off the phone with your partner, you know. Don't you think it's time to heal? Don't you think you deserve it? She's like, when you leave here tomorrow, go admit yourself at the VA and go get help. And I heard her. I heard her. I finally someone was like, hey, by the way, you can get help for this. Like, you don't have to live this way. And she, right there, the first person ever from all of my life planted the first seed of hope. And so she she uncuffed me because I was covered in my own vomit. And she's like, clean yourself off. She walked me to a jail cell, private jail cell where I had my own bed. She brought me a pillow and a blanket. And it was there where I finally had someone give me some compassion, even though

SabineKvenberg.com: Mm.

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): it was an officer who, you know, was one of the ones that arrested me. But she still was there for me. And the next day, I was able to go home, clean everything up as best I could, pack a bag. And I drove myself to the VA, the Veterans Affairs Hospital. And that's when I said, look, I I'm either A going to die today, or you're gonna you're gonna give me a bed and you're gonna admit me in the 30-day inpatient treatment program. And that was the first day, of course they admitted me, but that was the first day of my 15 years of of healing my life, healing my life. So 15 years of trauma, 15 years of healing. It it you know, it was just crazy how numbers You know, coincidences just happened. Fifteen years of trauma, fifteen years of healing. And I

SabineKvenberg.com: Wow.

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): never stopped from that day.

SabineKvenberg.com: I I mean just listening to the story that was so impactful. But one thing that stood out was a total stranger, apparently, right? Who had

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): Yes, yes.

SabineKvenberg.com: never met you, but she showed compassion and she was that little. Bark that you needed to wake up. Because sometimes I believe when people are so close to us, we don't hear them. But if somebody else that we don't even have no idea, and they have no idea who we are and what we discovered, obviously she heard something from your partner. That was this is very impactful. That also reminds us we can be that person for another person that we've never seen before when we see somebody in distress.

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): Yes. Yes.

SabineKvenberg.com: So that's point number one. Point number two is when you mentioned that was the last rock bottom, and finally you got out there and so admitted yourself. That took courage, but first of all,

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): Yes.

SabineKvenberg.com: a decision. You decided in that moment, enough is enough.

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): Mm-hmm. Enough is enough. Enough is enough.

SabineKvenberg.com: And that started your healing process. And

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): Yes.

SabineKvenberg.com: so once you admitted yourself, so were you in the military before?

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): Yeah, so I yeah, so ooh, I joined the military. So one morning, this is is still in my book. It's such a great book, and I hope your readers and your listeners do purchase this book. loved unconditionally, loved unconditionally. But I remember it's September 11th. I I woke up drunk, of course. I woke up drunk, hung over. I was at my brother's I was at my brother's house. I turned on the television and I'm watching the twin towers fall. And I said, my God. You know, even with the headache, you know, with the you know, hungover, I was like, We're going, we're going to war. And something that week or the next week, God started putting in the United States Navy in my face, like, join the military, join the Navy, get out there, you know, like go and change your life, and this is gonna help you. So after three times of God showing me, hey. Go and join the Navy. I was like, you know what? I'm gonna go join the Navy. Two weeks, so two weeks after September 11th happened, I left for boot camp and I served my country in Afghanistan, served two two two tours. It was it a great experience? No. Unfortunately, again, my addiction got the best of me and my childhood trauma, I carried that with me into the military. Can I say that I'm grateful I got to serve the United States Army, the United States Navy, the United States, I got to serve my country. And that's

SabineKvenberg.com: Yeah.

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): what I'm grateful for. However, unfortunately, the military was still sweeping back then. I don't know how they're doing it today, under the rug, women being raped. And

SabineKvenberg.com: Mm.

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): and and Did that happen to me more than once in the military? It did. It did. Do I forgive

SabineKvenberg.com: Mm. Wow.

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): those individuals? Of course I do. Of course I do. That's why I was able to write this book today and say, you know what? All of these things happened, but you can still end up with a life of peace, a life of joy, a life of inner freedom. And I can introduce you to a God. Who is gonna heal you from the inside out and bless you with the life he has been yearning to give you. And and and that is gonna be my mission ultimately. So yes, I

SabineKvenberg.com: Yeah.

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): served my country honorably the best that I could because I received an honorable discharge. But was there pain? Yes. No matter what.

SabineKvenberg.com: Mm-hmm. We we always do the best we can. I mean, no matter what. That's w what I believe. And of course, so much trauma that you brought with you. we haven't even discussed everything that s started that whole journey for you also to drain all this experience and alcohol. Because that's often time the escape, because then we forget we we are numbing ourselves.

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): Well, not mears.

SabineKvenberg.com: But this is never the answer. This is just a cover up, as you so very well shared with us. Now I would love to go back to the moment

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): Amen.

SabineKvenberg.com: that you submit admitted yourself to the VA.

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): Okay.

SabineKvenberg.com: are you sober now?

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): yeah. so I I stopped doing heavy drugs in my I think I was twenty. I was twenty The last time I stopped doing heavy drugs, I was 25, because that's when I met my wife of 15 years, who's not my wife today, but my wife of 15 years. I chose love over drugs. However,

SabineKvenberg.com: Mm-hmm.

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): I continued to still drink when we were together because we both drank. And then once I will not lie, I even wrote I have honesty is policy for me. So even after my impatient of six 90 days of being impatient, did I go back to drinking? Yes, but it wasn't, there was no rage associated to it. And eventually did I slowly start to release alcohol in my life? Absolutely. And it's been nine years that I have not touched a drink today. And it was only by the grace of God because even back then I didn't even want to drink. I could have a beer and call it a day, but I understood God was like, hey, I don't actually even want you to drink at all. And I was like, okay, well, if you remove this craving from me, I'll never pick up. And that was a prayer. I was like, God, so you know what? Remove this craving from me. This was nine years ago, and I'll never pick up. And boom, the next morning, never had a craving again. So I've kept my word. I've never picked up. Even even though my life isn't perfect, and there's still issues. They're all perfect. Nope,

SabineKvenberg.com: Course, whose life is perfect?

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): nope, nope. Yeah.

SabineKvenberg.com: Well, you you are such a wonderful spirit. When we met, you were just always cheerful and you have that love around you that you share today.

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): Yeah.

SabineKvenberg.com: And you have that serving heart that I see and that comes through through your book. And

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): Yeah.

SabineKvenberg.com: I hope definitely that people, you know, pick up your book. We have the information in the show notes. To read the story because you you're sharing stories. And as you know, me know being known as the storytelling dame from Germany, I tell stories, I love stories. And

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): Well I love

SabineKvenberg.com: so, by the way, that is my book that's coming out August 4th. And

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): I mean

SabineKvenberg.com: a lot of stories in there. And interesting because you said, you know, you just felt that intuition. And the tagline of my book, Gumpchen, is. sacred whispers, bold moves, and the courage to become. And we all are on that journey. Each journey looks differently. Yours looks different than mine. And what what I shared, the stories that I shared, I had my low points in life, totally different than yours. Of course we all have different lives, but we all have that sacred whisper And we just have to listen. That sacred whisper

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): yeah.

SabineKvenberg.com: is there. And when we listen to that small voice and the intuition, we can get through any situation.

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): yeah. yeah. Even that voice, which for me I call I call God or Jesus or the Holy Spirit, He has saved my life from danger because I choose to hear the voice of God that is within my heart or within my mind. It's that it and it's it is a distinct voice. It's not my voice. even God says that, you know, my sheep know their shepherd's voice. So I know his voice. And it is always of love, of protection, discipline, correction. blessings, at you know, even asking me, hey, forgive, or hey, can you can you come to me and and and kneel and pray to me? All these things, all these things. And every time I do exactly that which for me, I'm gonna say God for me does, man, my life always has such there's it I get blessed. I get blessed and let no chaos, you know, a constant peace. constant joy like like it overflows like something like a spring water that you turn on and it just it keeps running and even like I said my life isn't perfect but because I'm always listening to the voice within me that which I call God man it it it strengthens every part of you and it heals you from

SabineKvenberg.com: Talking about that, talking about that voice, because in your introduction, you know, I said you rebuild the relationship with God beyond traditional religion. And

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): Yes.

SabineKvenberg.com: you know, we're we're not talking about religion per se here, but what I want you to ask is this, because some people have each one have. Has a different understanding of God, right? And there are many different religions out there. I always say everybody is finding their own way. But when we talk about listening to that voice, and it it's not it's not our voice, it's not per se a voice, voice, maybe it is, I don't know. But sometimes, quote unquote, that voice shows up in different ways, at least. how I experiencing that, right? Even if it's a voice inside that doesn't sound like a voice, but it gives you those words. I would love to hear your perspective on that.

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): So for me, once again, the first time I heard the voice of God, I was 20 years old. I was at a beach in the midnight, and the my very first prayer, my very first prayer, and all I prayed was this. God, because I I was on drugs. I was like, God, can you help me? If you're real, can you help me? That's all I said. And within minutes, I was getting ready to be captured. there was a predator coming. I I didn't know. Like I was. I was crying. I was looking at the stars. I was at the beach, you know, sitting on a bench, like in the middle of the night. God, God, can you help me? And don't you know? I heard a car pull up. I heard a car pull up. And this guy was getting ready to to try and and and capture me and immediately get up. You're in danger. And I was like, what? And I and I ignored it. Get up, you're in danger. And don't you know this man was getting ready to capture me? And that was that was the first time I heard that voice. And ever since then, slowly but surely, it started every time I either I was in danger because I was doing drugs, and I was, I was, I moved I left home at 14, so I had no parental guidance. I've been getting traumatized, I've been getting sexually abused, I've been on drugs, I I you know, every bad thing that you think could happen to a little kid. Who leaves home at 14 happens. So the only parental guidance I ever had was that voice. That voice. That voice that always protected me. And and ever since I was 20, it started to make sure like I since since her parents allowed her to leave at 14 and really didn't give her the guidance and the love that she needed, and they let her go. I have to step in. And that's when for me, I'm gonna say God again, for me, that voice was like, you know what? I'm gonna take care of you, I'm gonna protect you at every turn. Even though you're gonna do things that are not gonna be healthy for you and they do harm you, I'm never gonna leave you. And in my journey of up and ups and downs, you know, that voice has always been there, mentoring me every single way, every single time from either being saved or From being blessed, you know, to bless me, to to teach me, teach me about life every time I would listen to it, the more I kept listening to it, the more I was just changing from the inside out. And and I talk about every conversation that I had, which we can people can say the divine, you can say higher power. I just say God for me, just for me. I just say God in every conversation that I had, every conversation, and you could see it from the moment I talk about it in my book, with what you know, what I heard. I was either always saved or blessed or things would happen in accordance with what I was listening and and following through. Like, okay, I'm being told to go in this direction or do this or say this. Everything good would always happen for me. So I I stick to that voice and I stick to prayer and meditation so that I could keep my mind calm and clear all the time and always be able to hear that voice. Yeah.

SabineKvenberg.com: And I can second that. I in my in my book I describe a situation when I was nine years old that that that's when I heard for the first time that voice inside me. where and I'm I'm gonna go into it, I don't have to do it right now, but it was a very dicey situation where maybe I wouldn't sit here if I wouldn't have listened to that voice. that said it was a a very dangerous situation with a predator and and before that came to that that point it just like run run run and you know as a nine-year-old girl that's what I did and I I was just running running and as you said when you came up with a prayer w we didn't go to church my family I heard a little bit learned a little bit in school but that

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): Mm-hmm.

SabineKvenberg.com: Night because I couldn't talk to my parents. I couldn't say them. They probably would have laughed if I had told them that incident, but I felt a shame. And you know, children do all this kind of thinking that it was their fault. But that's when I prayed to God for the first time. Lieber God, I give to her and

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): Mm.

SabineKvenberg.com: put my eyes to me of all the note and give me my take. Like I made it even a rhyme, right? That's my creative part of it. But that's that prayer. Every night because it was it this experience haunted me and every night I prayed it and it got me through. It it it helped me and eventually it's you know, it got less and less and less. But I I

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): Amen.

SabineKvenberg.com: know how that feels, yeah.

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): Yeah, so you get it. You've been experiencing that same voice, whatever you choose to call it, or you you call it the divine. I'm is it the divine for you?

SabineKvenberg.com: You know, it's it's my creator, the divine higher power. I call it God. I it's not that I said this is one name because for me that is that oneness that

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): Yes.

SabineKvenberg.com: we all experience and everybody

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): Yes.

SabineKvenberg.com: can call it in different ways, and I don't care

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): Right.

SabineKvenberg.com: who what you call, I just know that that divine being is there.

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): Yes.

SabineKvenberg.com: And it's guiding me and and guiding me in the right way. And also what I ought to do with the talents and gifts it gave me to make a difference. How however little or small or big I can make it, and that's that's what I do. Yeah.

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): Amen. Amen. Wow, we have a lot in common, Sabine. I love that.

SabineKvenberg.com: Wow. Yeah, it's I I am so happy that your book is now available. And seeing that from the the the seeds and the start, I mean you already wrote it and from the the name to finally get it, got it to a point that all right, it's there for the world to see and to make a difference in in people's lives. So thank you so much for sharing that. So what's

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): Thank you.

SabineKvenberg.com: what's next for you?

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): right now, just I definitely want to promote this book. It is my ministry. It is my ministry to it's not just for gay people, okay? This isn't just you know, being gay is just a little piece of who I am. However, I know right now that a lot of people who were born gay don't know God or are very afraid of God because unfortunately people have shunned them out. And so that's where God is sending me. He's like, hey. I know this is for veterans. I know this is for, you know, people who have had church. I know this is for those divorced. But right now, the first mission he's actually having me to go on is to go find a lot of places where I can speak at and share my ministry, share God's love for them and help them heal this religious trauma that a lot of people have gotten. And in in here, there is a lot of there's scripture in there. And God taught me how to clarify things and He would show me things. And it's like, hey, this is how I want you to heal people, my children. He calls them my children, calls me his children. He said, I want you to go and heal my children. And I said, okay. And do I know that it's going to be a challenge for me? Sure. Of course it is. They're

SabineKvenberg.com: Yeah.

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): they're they're angry. They're they're they're in pain. So I'm like, okay, I have to go back and remind myself how how much pain did I have to endure? And I have to remind myself, people are just gonna be in pain. Well, so when I share my message and it has to be so gentle, so gentle. you know, I know that they're gonna bite a little bit, and that's okay. That's okay, because I know that if I don't react and if I just continue to give them the love that they're needing and to heal whatever aspect that needs healing in their life, I believe and I know for a fact that life is gonna change for them. So this is this is the ripple effect. it has to start with me. It has to start, it had to start with me. So God one day said for me, said to me, it's in my book, like rebuild my church. He wasn't saying like go and build a new, a new religion, go and build a go and buy a building. He's like, Bit rebuild yourself, rebuild my church. I'm the church. We are the church. We are the temple. And then go out and leave me a legacy in your name. Meaning, hey, I'm not asking you to be famous, Fenexita. I'm asking you to go and heal my kids. Go and heal the ones that are truly broken. You know, and I said, okay, I'm up to task. I'm up to task for that. And that's that is right now my starting port in this point in this mission. And so I'm going to different churches, offering my services, saying, Hey, you know what, could I speak at your congregation one day? I would love to, I would love to help and and be a part of this community. You know, how can I be of service to you? so I'm gonna go on different platforms right now and see where I can go be of service and provide that healing of hope of and and sharing God's true love with them and the conversations that that I had with him that he's asked me to share with the world. And so that is that is my only mission. Besides being a personal trainer, loving because that's part of my ministry is I I I you know I it was in 2015 where I was in a major car accident and I was walking with a cane and I had put on 200 pounds. You know, I'm I'm five feet, I'm a little short woman. I'm a short you remember me, I'm a little short.

SabineKvenberg.com: You put on two hundred pounds.

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): yeah. I was size 18. I was a size 18, little five foot size 18, 194

SabineKvenberg.com: My gosh.

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): pounds after this car accident, walking with the cane. And and and while I was healing my mind, you know, healing all the trauma, slowly but surely, I started it started to also reheal my body. So if you heal one aspect, you're gonna heal every aspect. So now you know, I was asked, I was asked by Jim, like, hey, would you come and help us? I didn't even ask. I didn't even go to them and say, Hey, I'm looking for a job. They're like, Are you a personal trainer? I was like, I have a certification, but I don't use it. They're like, Would you like to? And I was like, sure. If you need help, they're like, I was like, Do I have to sell anything? They're like,

SabineKvenberg.com: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): No, we will bring you every single client. And I mean, every time I'm getting new clients, a lot of clients. And the second thing, being as known as the unconventional counselor, with that aspect, let me say it here and there because I have to. I'm not a licensed counselor where I want to do talk therapy. That is not what I do. I'm a practitioner where I use Haveny techniques and neurolinguistics programming specifically for traumatic memories. All I do, you don't people don't even have to tell me their trauma because sometimes talk therapy, which I'm not a trained licensed counselor to do talk therapy. Sometimes people are like, I don't want to talk about it. I just want these memories erased or like gone or desensitized. I'm tired of seeing it. I talk about it all the time in therapy. And I'm like, okay, well, great. We don't have to talk about it. Just pull it up in your mind, tell me when it's there, and let's start erasing it right now. And so we do these techniques between one to four sessions, they will be completely desensitized, or an easier term would be erased, like it removes it detaches. From the mind because the body keeps a score. The mind remembers too much. Even though you can talk about it, people it will be like, Hey, I'm having dinner, and poop, do you remember that time when you were raped? And then you're just like, Really? Like, I just want this to go away. And so that's

SabineKvenberg.com: Yeah.

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): what I step in and do. So I step in and say, Hey, all I deal with is this is trauma with a counselor. You know, go and talk to them and come to me and we'll erase them. So together. I will coordinate with other counselors if they allow them, you know, if if they allow me to talk with them. If not, just tell your counselor you're working with me and we're gonna do these techniques and we're gonna heal you. And you keep, you know, you I tell them stick with your counselor and you come to me when you're ready to desensitize. And that's what I do as known as the unconventional counselor. So I just do things very unconventionally, but that's what I do. So personal training number one, number two, desensitizing traumatic memories.

SabineKvenberg.com: Yeah. You know when it help if it helps, then you go for it, right? But I

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): Yes.

SabineKvenberg.com: see you doing so many wonderful things in

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): Thank you.

SabineKvenberg.com: your next chapter of of life. And I wish you all the best, Fenix. And I know we'll we'll see each other again very soon.

Fenix Shepard (Fen-X): Yes, my friend. God bless you.