Standards: Parenting teens setting high expectations without too much pressure.

  Hello and welcome to Teenagers Untangled, the audio hug for parents going through the teenage years. I'm Rachel Richards, journalist, parenting coach, mother of two teenagers and two bonus daughters.

Hi there, I'm Susie , Asli,  mindfulness coach, mindful therapist and musician, and mother of three teenagers, two of them are twins. 

Susie, was there any one teacher or person when you were young who really inspired you to reach higher and do better and saw something in you? Oops! Oops!  Um  Was it, was it just driven, because you, you did really well, you did, you got great exam results, you got great, uh, you know, you're a professional violin, uh, viola player, what drove you?

I mean, a lot of it was kind of fear based, which isn't great, but I'm just actually now thinking of someone I forgot, my piano teacher actually, I think she was really lovely, really lovely, she was a brilliant teacher, really down to earth, really humble, and just really cool about everything. Right. It made me believe, well, actually this is quite fun and good.

I can do this. Good. I love that. I had a geography teacher called Mr. Rowbotham, Mr. Rowbotham, if you're listening, I doubt you are. He asked me if I Wouldn't it be cool if he was though? Wouldn't it be amazing? Someone tell him. Write in, write in Mr. Rowbotham. I went to Stanford College. It's a community college.

Uh, he asked me if I was applying to university one day.  I just looked at him and went, well,  because it just, it wasn't even on my radar. I didn't really know what university was. I didn't know anyone who talked about it. Um, it wasn't an option for me. And he said to me, please, you have to apply to university.

It will be the best thing you ever do. Oh my goodness. And. The fact that he said that to me and believed in me was extraordinary. I got goosebumps. Yes, it was honestly, it was amazing. And I actually had my English teachers had said on a report that I was an A grade student getting C grades because at that time I was really miserable and I just didn't see the point in it.

If you don't understand the point of getting grades because your parents don't care and nobody's interested, then it sort of all seems pointless, right? So what he did was gave me something To reach for and to believe in and showed me he believed in me. So really amazing. Well done, Mr. Robotham, Mr. Yes, wonderful.

Um, quote, Henry Ford, founder of the Ford Motor Company. We've all heard this one, whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're probably right. So true. So, um, a lot of parents struggle to know where to go with supporting their teens, piling on too much pressure. How do I, how do I set expectations?

In this episode, we'll talk about the Pygmalion effect, the critical role of growth mindset, the importance of being able to set boundaries on the expectations others have of us.  And our own belief in our kids competence. Oh, tune in. I'm excited. Yes. Uh, Susie, do you have a nugget?  I do. And it's related to this topic.

And I have, uh, twins who are in GCSE year, which is, um, Public exams for 16 year olds. I have one too. Why do we still have GCSEs, but that's a whole other topic. My friend says it's child abuse. Oh my goodness. She's also from Australia. She said all my friends from Australia say it's child abuse. Anyway, go on.

It is horrific. Anyway, they have them and they will have to do them because that's how it is here. Um, and we're kind of, they've got mocks coming up really soon and it's really dancing that, is  it a dance? I'm not sure it's a nice dance.  Of, you know, how much do you. Nudge, how much do you go let go and let them take the reins?

And, and I have two, they're very different characters and personalities and very different abilities and interests. So it's kind of both highlights the differences of, of approaching it. And one of them particularly is. Wants to do really well and really struggles with structuring time and, and organizational skills and stuff like that.

So we are experimenting heavily at the moment of, you know, nudging, letting go, nudging, letting go and back off mom and mom. Will you help me with this?  Um, and. It's, uh, the nugget is open ended. We are in the middle. I'll let you know how it goes.  I think you and many, many other people are struggling with this.

It's, it's hard. But it's an awareness, the nugget is. It's an awareness of there is no right way and it actually changes from day to day. That's, that's the nugget. What do you need this evening? And you have to be dynamic in your response and patient. This evening you need testing on all your French vocab and you want to be tested and tomorrow you want me to just get the hell out of your room.

Yes. And so, yes, exactly. Um, I'm going to shout out for encouraging clear and specific feedback. My daughter has a group of friends who agreed on a very long fundraising walk together.  They didn't mention it to one of the people in their friendship group because they didn't want her there.  She found out and asked to come along and it was all very awkward.

But the key reason they didn't want her there was that she would be a complete downer on the activity because when they've done walks in the past, she just moaned the entire time. So I said to my daughter, just be honest and tell her that she had always moaned about going on walks. So, which it then affects the group and she's always welcome to other things, but this is something they want to do.

Without her because it won't work like why would you want to come on a walk  clear feedback on how your behavior affects decisions? Other people make is critical. Yeah, and really hard to do very hard to do, but actually That feedback would then give her the opportunity to think first of all. Well, yeah, actually I don't really want to do that activity.

So fair game. That's okay. Um, because it's not her that's being rejected. It's the activity, that specific activity with her, or she can say, wow, I really need to shut my mouth. Yeah. I want to be included because it's affecting everyone either way. Their relationship has progressed. Nobody's really been damaged because it's clear, specific feedback and this is absolutely vital and this feeds into everything else we're going to talk about.

Yeah, really interesting because this often isn't, is it? We often store it up, especially teenagers, it's really, it's a really. difficult skill to learn. And then we blurt out some a whole load of personal attack and then it escalates and everyone goes, why did you even say that? So it's clear. Or they just kind of block them.

They're kind of, they just don't want to answer because it's too awkward and they don't really know. So she came back to me and said, what, how do you think I should manage this? And so I could coach her. Brilliant. Susie, have you got a review before we carry on? I do have a review. Um, lovely five star review here on Spotify from L G, oh I can't read that.

L C P T something. Something L C T P. Thank you anyway.  Sorry about that, can't read that. Full of very good discussion and info, easy to understand and greatly appreciate. Your experience is a treasure. We're extremely lucky you share with us. Oh, that's a lovely thing to say. Absolutely. Oh, very moving. sorry I couldn't read your initials.

Sometimes I have a bit of a low day and then I read one of these and I just think, oh it's worth it. It's really lovely.  Now coming back to the subject of expectations, this episode was inspired by the book Do Hard Things, which I mentioned I'd started reading before Christmas. Uh, it was written by Alex and Brett Harris, teenage boys. 

It's had 4. 7 stars on over 1, 500 ratings on Amazon. And I mentioned it in episode 73 when I was talking about how I think I might have got it a bit wrong with one of my teens. And Jean responded on Spotify saying that she was looking forward to the podcast on the right way to set expectations. Jean, you successfully bumped it up my to do list because actually you're right.

Now's the time. So I'm going to start by warning anyone who's interested in reading that particular book. It's very very Christian So if you're not very very Christian and into God and uh reading scripture It's probably not for you, but I can fill it bits and I have to say the guys well done you for creating this book There's a foreword in it by chuck norris who's an american martial artist and actor and he said in the past Young people were expected to make significant contributions to society.

Today, our culture expects very little from teens, not much more than staying in school and doing a few chores.  A sad consequence of such low expectations is that life changing lessons go unlearned. Interesting take. Yes. Gosh. Another book I've been reading, just literally by the by, is The Early Diary of Anaïs Nin, or Anaïs Nin, some people know her as.

She's a French writer who moved to New York with her mother and siblings to be safe from World War I. So it's 1915.  Left her dad behind in France. Missed him so terribly. Talked about it all the time. Anyway, Anaïs caught pleurisy and when she recovered, her mother fell sick. She'd been excused from school to recuperate, but instead, of course, because her mum's sick, she's now had to take over all the roles in the house.

So she was cooking, washing up, darning socks, you name it. Everything at the age of 12. Gosh. In her diary entry March 19, I don't belong to myself, but to others. I have never been so happy. Because the work prevents me from having the painful thoughts that I used to have. I feel happy because I have been good for something.

I have found the secret and the source of happiness in working. Not always for myself, but for Maman and for my brothers. If I am a little tired when I go to bed, it doesn't matter.  Now I, that was literally just something I read thinking, Oh my goodness, this is, this works for this. It's beautiful, yeah.

Meaning, there's meaning in it. A lot of meaning, beautiful writer. Anyway, at an age of 12, well, uh, back to do, do hard things. And here's what the book asks in its kind of preamble.  Is it possible that even though teens today have more freedom than any other generation history, we're actually missing out on some of the best years of our lives? 

Is it possible that what our culture says about the purpose and potential of the teen years. Is a lie. And that we are its victims.  They wrote a blog, which became the most popular Christian teen blog on the web. They discovered, to their surprise, that teens didn't just think teen years could have deeper meaning, but that they should have deeper meaning.

And here's a quote. Everyone I know at school is shackled by low expectations. This was a 16 year old girl. And they said, maybe all these people are just real high achievers. And when they asked people, they all just went, no, we're just They were just average students. They point out that the laws to protect teens against work turned them into nothing more than consumers.

I mean, I feel this very strongly. My kids have wanted to work for a long time, get extra jobs, and it's very hard.  Entire industries evolved around the consumption habits of teenagers. We talked about this in our previous episode. The most our society expects from teens is really much closer. to the least we should expect. 

That's so interesting. It's very interesting, isn't it? Really thought provoking, yes. So the research I would like to highlight was done by Robert Rosenthal and Leonore Jacobson and this was conducted in the 1960s proving what's called the Pygmalion effect.  And that reality can be positively or negatively influenced by other people's expectations. 

So the research involves students in a California elementary school. They started by giving every student  a covert IQ test. Without disclosing the scores, they told teachers the names of the 20 percent who were expected to do better than their classmates.  These students were actually chosen at random, but the teachers didn't know. 

At the end of the study, they retested, and guess what? The ones, the 20%, did way better. Statistically better. And that led Rosenthal and Jacobson to conclude that teachers expectations definitely actually influence student achievement. Wow. And this has been, been covered since. This is amazing, yeah. Right?

So,  and we know. We know that suggestion has a really powerful impact. So there's the placebo effect and the nocebo effect. We know about these things. Drugs, people told they were on a drug, but given a sugar pill still felt the negative side effects. Elise Resch mentioned it last week. Athletics, there was a study where people were put on a treadmill and a few of them were told they had special genetics for endurance.

They performed better.  Work. Ellen Langer and Ali Crum told some cleaning staff at hotels their cleaning work was similar to a cardio workout and they lost weight while other individuals who hadn't been told anything about it didn't. Amazing. The same team showed that people who had a positive mindset around aging lived an extra 7.

5 years. I mean, I don't know. I need to look at that. I can believe that. Yes, so expectations can have an extraordinary impact. Our thoughts are absolutely crucial. There are lots of very, very clever people out there proving this every single day that our thoughts and the way we, the way we approach ourselves is.

It's life changing in every single aspect of our lives. So true. And we all know that. So how do we use that? So Sonia Looney, who's a competitive cyclist wrote, I've been, it's her blog that I went through. If we fail to meet expectations that are too high. We can be disappointed, unhappy, anxious, it can lead to crushing pressure and decrease our motivation  and performance.

If expectations are too low, we can become apathetic and unmotivated to take risks and try new things. Meeting expectations can even lead to dysfunction because then you go, well, now what now? Yes. Okay. So  it's really hard. Okay. It's not that hard. Don't worry. Uh, so the whole point is we need to.  Focus on the process, not the goal. 

And the arrival fallacy is, I'll be happy when I get to X, but you won't. All right. So I'm going to use an example in real life that I've actually talked to my daughter about, which is my husband. And he said,  I want to climb Mont Blanc. He's never, he's just never done these things, really. I mean, we've skied, we've done ski touring and things, but he's not, uh, some great adventurer.

But it really, he wanted to do it. And he said, would you like to? And I said, not in, not a chance. Not interested.  Um, not interesting to me. And it, he was, he did, he climbed it. He wasn't the fastest. He wasn't the youngest. He wasn't the oldest. It's really not that interesting. Except to him, what's really interesting is what the training did to him.

He got much fitter, he lost weight, eased back significantly on alcohol, gained a new lease of life and now he's continued training with people he's met as a result.  So he's found a new tribe and he's got renewed interest in his work. He's doing more deals, he's, it's been amazing. That is incredible. So the point is setting the goal and the actual goal.

It isn't the thing to focus on, it's the, the, what happens to us as a result of working towards things. And this is what I keep saying to my daughter with her GCSEs, I'm so much less interested in what results you get than in what you learn about yourself in the process of trying to study for these exams.

Yeah. Yeah. I spoke to one of my kids the other day about school. We were talking about school. We often talk about that. You know, the pros and cons of school. And if you could design your own school, what would it look like, et cetera. And, um, he was very clear this time. He was very like, you know, I think learning is great.

I like learning. I actually really like it because it's, you know, there's the idea of, you know, the unschooling that, you know, kids are hungry to learn. They want to learn. We've talked about this before. Um, I said, but it's the, it's the. Testing and the, you know, the repetition for the test, for the exam that kills it.

Can't we just learn for the sake of learning? So it's the process. It's the process. But then the process is part of it, isn't it? It's interesting. So, um.  I've read quite  widely on this and the actually it's the teachers that taught me that because I've looked at some teaching Resources, which I thought were fascinating.

But one of the so that earlier study I mentioned the Rosenthal one Subsequent studies have shown that a teacher's attitude or mood positively affects their students because if they think that students good They pay much closer attention to the gifted students  They give them more time if they get stuck, because they believe that they could actually get to the answer,  and they're more willing to be patient with them. 

And my daughter has actually pinpointed this in one of her classes, where she said he doesn't pay attention to the kids who are lower on the class, not interested. And it's, it's, it makes them feel bad. It's subconscious, he's not trying to be, I'm sure he goes in every day wanting to be the best teacher, but it's, it's something, and I'm going to, hands up, I have done this myself, where you have low expectations or negative expectations of somebody, and you look for people.

Yeah. Proof. As a teacher I have undoubtedly done that. I'm recognizing it as you're saying it. The ones, both in music and in mindfulness, you, you, you know, you expect particular answers or you, yeah, you give the ones you think are going to give a decent answer a bit more time. Yeah. The ones you think, oh, they probably don't know.

So you kind of move on a little bit because it's a bit awkward and you think, yes, exactly. Subconsciously. Gosh. So it's interesting, isn't it? So when expectations are corrosive, let's go there because we're all going to be going Oh, but, but, but, um, they're corrosive when you feel like you're going to let an entire team or partner down if you don't accomplish something. 

And it can help because I used to, I was put in a team when I first started work because the team. Keeps you going because you feel like you need to do things for them, but if it's something you're not capable of or that you've been put into a situation which you don't want to be in, that's corrosive.

Extra pressure can make doing things like playing tennis, for example, just no fun. I mean, you know, and that that overall sense that you've got to be good at things or you don't do them can ruin all the fun. You know. Awful.  And when expectations aren't met repeatedly, our brain shifts into protection mode.

So, and that's to preserve our self worth. So it's massively demotivational. If you kind of hoping or you're expected to get this and you don't, you start thinking, well, you have to protect yourself from it. Yes, you want to escape and not be part of it. So that can look really different, kind of  not contributing, actually running away.

Yeah. So those parents who've said, Oh, my kids were motivated and I don't know what's happened.  It's really just put on your curious hat and ask them questions because it could be anything could be but it could be that they've got to the point where they think actually I've tried, tried, tried and it doesn't seem like I can do this so now I'm going to give up or it could be that their friends whatever. 

Being too focused on goals and expectations forces us out of a potential flow state. So we start thinking about how we're doing. Instead of what we're doing.  Can they do that when they have exams coming up? What's that? Is that even possible? Do what? To stay in a flow state. Oh no. It's the results that matter.

It's the matters. All people talk about. And that's the problem. That's the problem. Yeah. Um, and I, and every now and then my daughter panics and then I say, calm down, calm down, calm down. Just trust the process. Just, just ignore the end result. Just do what you can. Every day. Step, step, steps. Stop looking at the end.

It's challenging. So how can we deal with this? It's And I'm going to put these specific points in the podcast notes, because actually I think this is really useful for us. We can tell our kids to look at something and think, are these expectations placed on me realistic?  Do they align with my values? Is meeting those expectations within my control?

And what and how do I communicate if the expectations feel to me unreasonable or making me resentful?  And I think there's a very useful. List,  checklist, and I think if they are handed that power, we often would think, Oh no, well they'll just jack off. But actually, I think if you give a bit of power back and say, you have the opportunity to say, I think this is an unreasonable expectation, they're probably more likely to hold that back and think, actually, is it?

Because then you can say, so do you think you really can't do anymore? Is that, can we break it down maybe? Yeah, it's a way of engaging. It is. And I'm just thinking that they're all so different, there will be very different outcomes from those questions. Of course. Thanks. But that's the thing, it's tailored to the individual that each of them can actually think this through for themselves because we want to try and give them a bit more autonomy.

So at the root of high expectations for our teens is high expectations of themselves.  So what I mean by that is we want them to have a growth mindset. We do. That's at the root of every single thing I've ever read. It's the growth mindset. Yeah, we want them to have that. But I think before we even unpack that, we have to do what I'm always banging on about.

And that's sit with and work out what are our expectations, where do they come from? And why are we imposing them on our kids? If we are  otherwise. We're living, we're not living from our kids, we're living from ourselves and that's really crucial. I think that's absolutely vital and I love that because I think that if we can have that conversation with ourselves, then before we have conversations with our kids, what we're not doing is filtering through our own viewpoint.

We, we need to hand, that's what I meant by handing responsibility back to them and empowering them to say, your expectation I'm going to Harvard is unreasonable. You know, your expectation  that I'm going to do this is, it's not, it's not mine. But if we can, we can still hand it over to them and still have an innate, oh, but I'm really worried if they don't, like if they're not doing well.

Yes. And we. Bricking it because we haven't really unpacked why we're bricking it  No, I agree. Um, then we're still we're still we're handing it to them, but we're not really yeah, we're giving them This is yours, but are you doing it? Are you doing it? That's not the same thing. Yeah. No, I completely agree And I think that's sitting with your own discovery.

Why are you bricking it? Why are you pushing them? Why why do you care at all for starters? Of course we care, but why what do you care about? What do you care about? Yes, and don't talk to You know, don't just talk the talk really live it Really unpack it because it's really important and you can be open with your teen and say the reason i've noticed that the reason i feel About this this way is because of this.

Yes And being honest about it means that you can have an open conversation about it and they can help you manage your own Exactly. I did that with my eldest. He was really struggling with his a levels and I we've talked about that before on this podcast and um, and I And I, we had these conversations and I had to really unpack why, why, why does it matter at all?

Mm-Hmm. . Um, so I could, so I could actually sit with him in it. Yes. Otherwise it was just all projection and Yes. And my own stuff. , yes. Um, fill in integrated with his, and in the end it worked out really well. But you have to do that first. It's really important. Yeah. And I, I was listening to a podcast, uh, the Subtle Art of Not Giving a Nephew. 

Um, and I love this one thing he mentioned, which is the skill matrix and it's beautifully  Explained,  because as we work towards our expectations or our goals, our  consciousness shifts. So here's what it is. You start out in unconscious incompetence, so you don't know that you don't know what you're. It's a period.

Yes. And then you move on to conscious incompetence. Which is a horrible place to be. It's the worst place to be. Now I, I, oh, I am very, very prone to starting things with unconscious. I'm always like, well, how hard could it be? Yeah, yeah. And that's the great thing that gets me into something. But what keeps me going is the lack of shame. 

Yeah. I just think, well, that was rubbish, but actually I just keep going. Yeah. But for a lot of people, that's a really, really painful. state to be in. But you will get there. Or overwhelming, you think, what's the point? I don't know anything. And a lot of teenagers. This is a, this is something we, we had a podcast about this right at the very beginning.

And one of the teachers said to me, can you please talk about the kids giving up at the first hurdle? This is the first hurdle. It's the conscious incompetence. We have to be clear with them and say, it's okay. You are now conscious of what you don't know, but that's okay. It's a stage. That's a really good thing.

I love it.  I thought it was really useful. And then you get to conscious competence, which I think I'm with. at with this  podcast where I know that I've come from so far because I can see where I've come from, but I'm still find that I'm not there yet. And I've still got so much, so much I need to learn.

But, uh, and then there's unconscious competence, which I suggest you probably are mostly with your viola because you've done so much practice and so much playing. And then every now and then you go, Oh, actually I need to do a bit more practice.  But that unconscious competence comes from a huge amount, exactly, it's huge amounts of repetition and knowing, right.

So  outlining it to them and saying, it's okay, you're at this stage, it's not that you're broken, it's not that you're not a good person or any of that stuff, it's just that you're at this stage, it's fine. And it can be overwhelming, oh god, I don't know anything. Yes, and we all feel that. You know, just demystify it and say, yeah, we all feel that, it's horrible, I completely understand.

So give your kids opportunities to contribute. So this is how we can do this actually giving them higher expectations and I'm, I am not, I'm deliberately not just focusing on exams because I think that's where we've gone wrong because we are focused on exams and I think that this is stifling.  So, give your kids opportunities to contribute.

Ask them their opinion and genuinely listen to it and ask them their opinion on anything. And I do this regularly with my kids because they could be an expert in something you don't understand and them giving you feedback and explaining something feels amazing. Yes, I do this all the time. Actually, my youngest boy at the moment is really  He wants to engage in conversations and it's really beautiful listening because his opinions are unformed and he's experimenting and he's trying stuff out and just listening and then going, you know, we talk about it.

And then at the end, I always try and without being cringy and over the top, but you know. Thanks for sharing that. I love hearing what you have to say about stuff. It's really interesting. And they go, Oh, yes, exactly. It's great. Set them up for success in order to raise expectations. You know, give them an opportunity to succeed at things because once they start, you know, you can't dial it up immediately to 100.

So they have to have the opportunity to practice some of these skills and they're  So much of what we can do as adults, the kids look at us and think, Oh, well, I'm terrible at that. I keep saying it's a skill, honey. You know, honestly, you, you're amazing at this and you need to practice this a bit more.

Doesn't make you a bad person.  Um, we need to let them know that we believe that they can do. Better  and that sometimes it takes hard work and that redrafting and drafting takes time And we can do that by demonstrating ourselves doing this stuff So be so with some kids they can see you doing it other kids need you to be more explicit so you can say oh i've written this and I I need to actually go back in again and start editing it because it's not quite right.

If they can see us going back over things where we think that wasn't or, or for example, I've been learning how to make sourdough bread and going through the, and it's a long process and there's an auto live stage and there is sort of stretching bits and it takes quite a long time and I.  We all sat and ate my Zardo bread the other day and I said, Oh, look, the bubbles are so much better this time.

But I realized that I started too late in the day and it didn't give me a So just unpicking where you went wrong and how you then go back in again and try again. And if they can see that happening Yeah, it's a really beautiful lesson for them, isn't it? And then I might just make a really flat one one day and just say, Oh, look Eat that.

Which is okay, because then you go, um, I didn't do it. I'm doing some stuff with music at the moment, and I'm sort of playing around with it, writing some stuff. And actually, the same kid who wants to talk, loves music and is quite interested in it.  And um, he came to me and went, Mum, it's really improving.

It's so sweet. Oh, I love that. It's like, you've really picked up on like, oh, this is something you're trying out and experimenting. And that encouragement.  It's lovely. Yes. I hadn't really thought of it in those terms. That's really useful. Yes. And expressing the expectation that your teen can actually complete a task.

So when they've got so far, you can say, Oh, you're almost there. Can you do that last bit? What do you think? And giving them the sort of, wow, you're really, that's amazing. And praising them when they've done something. Praising them when they've done it. Notice every time. Notice the good stuff because they're being judged all the time and they feel this pressure to perform. 

Um, Okay. Help your number, second one, help your teens to embrace challenge and enjoy that hard work because they know it's going to help them grow. So it's this kind of,  like I was talking about with the sourdough loaf, it's, it's that, you know, you do this stuff and then it turns out like this. Oh, okay, well, maybe I'll go back in again and try this.

And it's being explicit about those processes of how we grow.  Third, we can encourage our kids to seek out and welcome feedback by doing it ourselves at home.  So we can ask, you did a good one, how, what do you think of my parenting? But also offering, always offering positive feedback at home so that they feel safe asking for other people's opinions.

If they constantly get negative feedback, they're going to think, why would I ever ask anybody else? It feels horrible. And valuing what they have to say, even if you utterly disagree with it. Yes. Like valuing it. And when we give them feedback, coming back to that original point I made in the nugget. Kind, helpful, specific, you don't need to be critical.

You can, but you,  they don't know what they're doing wrong. They can't fix it. And they did this experiment with boys and girls, and they found that people are much more gentle with girls because they don't want to hurt their feelings. But then it actually, it slows down their progress because they can't, they don't really know what they're doing wrong. 

Um, so it's, it's actually, it's a kindness. Yeah, and we can be boundaried in it. Yes. We can say actually that's not enough or don't like that. You know, we don't have to sugarcoat  everything. No, absolutely. Uh, fourth, we need to teach our teens to be happy to make mistakes. It's okay. And when my teens make mistakes, I go, oh, another coin in the bank of learning.

Anything, any phrase that will make them realize that every time that happens, they've had a chance to learn something. Or, and I will often say to them, So what did we learn from this? Yeah. And I will do that to myself. You know, whenever we have a party at the end I'll say, what did we learn from, you know, what was good?

What was bad? Yeah. How? Yeah. That's really great. Yeah. Yeah. I think I'm gonna try and do that a bit more. That's what did we learn really good. Yeah. And do they roll their eyes at you a little bit? No, most of the time they love it because they get to give me their opinions, , which they like to do, uh, every now and then they go, this isn't the time. 

You know, when, when my kids. Done something stupid. And I go, what do we learn from this? And she's like, don't, that's the one I thought that maybe you get an eye roll. So you have to wait. You have to wait. Like, wait till later and say, wait until say, what do you think? What, what could we do different? You know, like you forgot that, how could we make it so it'd be easier to remember, whatever.

Yeah. I've had that from, from one of my kids Who misses the train sometimes. Mm-Hmm. go. What do we learn from that? And like, not now.  . . Yes. You can't, in the moment they're not interested. Okay. Um, and before stepping in, ask them what they've tried. Let them fail. Let them try things first and get it wrong and go, okay, so, you know, what did you learn?

Okay. Do you want a suggestion? No, don't. Okay, fine. Just let them fail a bit. It's okay. Um, and, and this is another reason why I've switched to.  Talking about our family as a team rather than saying, can you go and do this and you're going to, I just say, you know, what have you done for the team today in terms of chores, everything because taking collective responsibility for work in the family was spread out to the rest of the world.

It's this sense that we all have a place, an important role to play, you know, you know, you're not just helping me out. I never say that anymore. Like I never say, can you help me? Because that's assuming it's my job and it's my responsibility. So my kids and they like it. They feel like they're doing something that they feel important. 

Seek out examples of great work outside of the family. Sometimes we say, did you notice that was amazing? What did you think? And ask them, have you seen anyone who's doing this really well? And they can go out and search for it and come back, oh, oh, oh this. So I'll often say to my kids, ask them, in fact I was talking to a guy who does a podcast in America and he said, we use interns, we say, go out and ask these questions and people come back.

And, and it's coaching them to go out and find information that's interesting to them. And then deliver back to the team and we all go, oh, we've learnt from that, that's great. Have fun stuff, not boring stuff, fun stuff.  Speak positively about your team with others.  Including your partner or anyone. If you're sitting there, I, you know, I see a lot of  social media where people are effectively venting about their awful teens.

And I think that's funny and it's nice for other parents because they don't feel alone, but is it okay? How is your teen actually feeling about being talked about like that? So always stop and think, is this, can I, can I make a positive, it's not bragging about your teen, but speak positively about them.

Yeah, and we all need to. Say stuff, don't we? But just choose your audience. Choose your audience, choose your time. Yeah. And, you know, when a task is difficult, you mentioned this, it's about providing higher levels of support. Say, I can tell this is going to be really hard, but I think you can do it.  How can we break it down?

How can we break it down? And I'm here. So, you know, I can step in.  And they ask, say, are you sure? Do you need? I'm going to mention one thing that I did with my daughter. She said to me, She's learning how to drive. She said to me, I need driving lessons and I've been teaching her and I said, okay, okay So, um, so I want you to ask around who are the best driving teachers.

I want you to find out the cost I want you to ask them how long it's going to take for you to expect it to get a driving test and what the Procedure is all things that I don't actually really know now because it's a long time since I learned so if these aren't fake fake things so she went away and came back with some information and And she done it in a quite a smart way and I looked at the information she had and I said, Ah, we, we're not quite there yet because, uh, that person's offering a two hour lesson.

I think that's too long. I think you're going to get tired. So it needs to be a one hour lesson and I'm not going to book a group deal because I think you need to trust the person and know the person. So go back and say, You'll, you'll take one lesson and it'll only be an hour. What's the price for that? 

And she stalled and I said, what's happened? She said, I don't really feel qualified to do this.  And I said, Really? Why not? And she said, well, because  all my friends parents have booked their lessons for them. Okay. And I said, okay, that's interesting, but  I think you can do it and I don't know why I would take away that opportunity for you to learn to talk to other people, negotiate with them. 

What's really interesting is actually she hasn't gone along and booked lessons. She's come back to me and said. Actually, I think I can learn to drive without all these lessons. Interesting. So she's come up with her own solution, I said, fine, okay, uh, and she said, I'd like to just have a couple of lessons at the end, but let's keep driving because actually I'm, I'm progressing really quickly.

So, so I've left her to do everything because I know that she can do it and I'm ready, I'm ready in the wings to say, okay, come back with the information, here's what you can do. And it's what my bosses did when I first started work. You know, I'd go out speak to somebody and come back and go, this is the deal they've offered and they go, yeah, that's not good enough.

And I think, oh, do I have to go back? Oh, it's awful. But actually they really grow from it. And she's blossoming because she's getting this kind of, oh, I can do this stuff. So yeah, no, it's really important. And it feels really uncomfortable, doesn't it? I mean, my, my eldest had to make an uncomfortable phone call in the Christmas holidays and,  and, um, and, and he was standing there and he knew he had to do it anyway.

It was all right, but it was, he really didn't want to do it. I said, I'm going to ask, do you want me to stay in the kitchen? He went, yes, please. Oh, I love that. And so I stayed there and afterwards we were laughing and I said, you did brilliantly, you did really well and you got all the information you needed.

I said, how you doing? He went, I feel awful. I said, you sweaty? I'm really sweaty.  I'm, I'm like panicking massively, but I did it.  How amazing that you were there, that you were there with him. Yeah. So he felt she'll step in if it's all or okay, I've got someone. Yes. I think teens just presume that we we're cool with everything we do.

Like you said earlier, because we've done it a hundred times. I still hate having conversations like that and telling him that I said, I hate conversations like that. And I'm, I used to be awful at them and him going really.  That's really empowering. Being honest about the things, our frailties can really help them.

Yes.  But then, and then saying to them, I think you can do it and I'm not going to do it for you.  So there's no right answer, but I think at the core of it is the belief in the growth mindset, the belief that they. Can do it telling them you I think you can do it, but I'm here I'm here and they all have different zones of comfort.

Don't they like my kids are really different for what they can tolerate You know how long they can sit in discomfort for one of them is about I don't know, ninety nine, maybe a second,  and another one is like, really not, I'm gonna do this. So, you know, they're all different and so they're, the first one's capacity needs to be wiped.

Yes. But we do that gently. Yeah. And as a parent, that's the point. You need to make them feel like they can do it slowly. In relation to where they're at. Yeah. I love that. Um, just remember as parents, we're surrounded by confusing messages. So please don't beat yourself up over this. It's really hard. We all struggle with setting expectations without putting on pressure.

Every single  day. Really, you're not alone. Balance from one extreme to the other. Life can be really challenging, but our kids are also there to be enjoyed. Yeah. And the joy should be at the heart of everything we do, if we can. We can and at the end of the day, it's really good to have some perspective, isn't it?

It's really good to practice gratitude. It's really good to go. Okay. What is important today? Oh, we're all healthy. If that's the case, brilliant. Let's celebrate that. And those other things suddenly don't seem so important because they're not. Perfect. Love that point. So if you found this useful, please send it.

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