The Secret to Saving Your Marriage with Anat Peri

Be honest with yourself, what is your default

rewind watch the scenes of the past few years, whether it's

with your kids, your husband, your in laws, your family.

Because I could definitely tell the truth about that and be

like, Okay, that is definitely something I want to retire and

then choose to create, like, how do I want to walk in there?

We're already with the expectation. We are creating

that simulation. We are visualizing that, which means

we're strengthening that program. So when you walk in

there, you're, I mean, your subconscious is running the

show, whatever your default, whatever you programmed in

there, is going to kick off.

Hello, my loves. Before getting into this week's

episode, I just wanted to share a little bit about this guest

who is a friend of mine. We go back quite a while. Probably

known Anat for over 10 years, and she, I've definitely known

her for over 10 years. She is an extraordinary inner child

expert, emotional intelligence coach, the founder of an

organization called training camp for the soul, which is a

transformational method that has helped 1000s of people heal the

roots of their emotional wounds and create the kind of

relationships and lives that they truly desire. So she's been

doing this for over 20 years in the personal growth and

leadership space. She has trained coaches, healers and

leaders all over the world with her mastery certification

program helping people break free from old patterns and

reconnect to their bodies and lead from love instead of fear.

So she is incredibly passionate about what she does. She's

really deeply embodied in the work that she teaches, and this

episode is packed full of actual, tangible practices,

tools and perspectives that you can take into your day to day

that will help you shift your relationship with your nervous

system and your patterns. So it's so supportive of the

journey that you are on here with me. Can't wait for you to

hear this episode. Share it with all of your friends and enjoy

you. Hello, beautiful. Welcome to the new truth Podcast. I'm

very excited about this week's guest. This has been a long time

coming. Yes, absolutely. I'm surprised you haven't been on

yet. I'm like, we're five years in, and here's our cameo. Hello,

Anat,

Hey, Kate, yeah, we've, we've been together.

We've known each other since the beginning 10 years ago, right?

Totally.

I feel like so much. What I remember when you

were when you first started your business, and you were you, you

were specifically right before you came to Vancouver, we met in

San Diego, and you're coming to Vancouver, was it specifically

to see me after you had a client in Calgary?

Yeah, yeah. I had a I had a few clients in Calgary,

and I was I wanted to get my my global entry card. And they're

like, Well, you know, you can do that at Vancouver, like you

could interview there. And I'm like, Oh, perfect. I'll go to

Vancouver. I'll add a couple of days see Kate get do my Global

Entry interview and fly home to San Diego.

That is it, I remember. And we went to

AnnaLena, my my partner, Jeff, at the Times restaurant. And it

was, yeah, I just remember sitting in my living room with

you, and you're telling me what you were doing and that you were

like, flying on someone's private helicopter, and you were

like, going to these people's houses and doing private four

day retreats for them. And it was just like, and I feel like

you visiting me at that time was actually a massive, massive

spark in me starting my work, because I would have started my

work six months after you were there.

Wow, yeah, yeah. I just realized it was my it was,

like my first time of working with clients one on one. Like it

was really this one gentleman that lived in Edmonton, yeah,

Edmonton, yeah, yeah. That sparked, you know me. He was

like, he was in my program, and he just wasn't doing the work

one on one. And he's like, Can we do anything in person? And

I'm like, Hmm, okay, Ask and you shall receive. So he was like,

my first, like, private one on one client. And then while I was

up in in Edmonton, working with him, I met his in laws, and

they're like, What do you do? What's a coach? You know? They

were like, What the heck is that? And then his mother in law

reached out to me, and she was like, Can you come back up and

work with me? And then her husband and so, yeah, it was, it

was amazing to be up there. Flew in their helicopter to Banff.

They have a retreat center in Banff, yeah, so it was, it was,

it was a new spark for me. As well. You know, to go from only

working with people virtually to doing private, one on one

retreats. So I'm glad it was a spark for you, too, because look

at us

now, I know it's so wild to think how far we've both

come, and we just spent Anat and I haven't even talked since

maybe then, or whenever Donald Trump was elected the first

time? Or yeah, elected. I was at your house that day. So we

haven't calculated which time was, but it's been like 10 years

since we've

maybe we've caught up once or twice, virtually, yeah,

oh yeah. It's definitely been a hot minute. And I must say, we

don't look a day older than we did.

We're doing and no Botox. We're doing great. Yeah,

it's, it's, um, it's also, I guess. But social media just

feels like, I feel like so caught up with everything you're

doing. I'm always inspired by following all the beautiful work

that you're doing. So I'm so excited to have you here. We

were, as always, jamming out about what what was going to be

the topic this week. And I'm sure you can apply everything we

talk about to all areas of your life, but I thought that we

would do one directly for married women. It's not I often

talk to single women, divorced women, relationships, but I

don't often directly speak to married women. So this one's for

you, how to save your marriage with a nap Perry and yeah, I

just, let's just start with where, where would you start?

How to say I'm not married. I've never been married. Don't know

if I'll ever be married, but, that you are so so what's the

first thing you have to share?

Oh, I will say this is applicable for any

relationship. So stay tuned. Keep tuning in, even if you're

single. Now, I've been with my husband now for eight years.

Eight years. Oh, because I haven't seen you in so

long. I'm like, I feel like your relationships do relationship is

still

brand new. There you go. That's how long it's been.

So you know, we've, we've spent seven holidays together,

everything from spending it here at home, just the two of us, to

a lot of times going back east to his family. Last year we went

to Spain and just said, you know, we're just going to travel

and and enjoy ourselves, which was very different way. But I'd

say the most it is definitely one of the most stressful times.

I think the reason for that is that there's a lot of

expectations. We all have a lot of expectations of how we want

it to go, you know. We have this vision of like, it's the

holidays, you know, and maybe this year, it'll be great, and

we'll actually enjoy each other and not fight or whatever, you

know. And again, this is relevant to not only fighting

with your partner, but going back and and it's your it's your

parents, or it's your siblings, or it's the whole, it's, it's

the energy of, it's usually not just you and your partner, maybe

you have kids as well. So there's a lot of external

expectations from others. There's a lot of past history,

and expecting that to happen, like, Oh my God, my sister is

definitely going to bring up the sting again, and blah, blah,

blah. So it's like we're already going into it with defense, with

guard up, and with like this underlying, like, deep desire

that sometimes, for some people, is such a strong attachment that

they can't relax. So either way, at the end of the day, you're

just not relaxed, because you're either on guard or super

attached to forcing some kind of way or outcome of how you want

the holiday time to go.

This is so true. This is actually so perfect,

following the the episode last week about triggers, because I

don't know if I touched on expectations, but it that that

preconceived like, the pre scripted holiday that is so true

of like, this is how mom's gonna behave. This is how dad and

then, like, going into that and, and for those of you that are

American, just had, you know, American Thanksgiving, probably,

you know, you had examples of that. But just like, going in,

you know, I even do that with my brother sometimes, where I'm,

like, going in like, oh, god, okay, I gotta be so rooted. And,

you know, not project all the stories onto him and and

noticing the more I clean that stuff up, my own stuff walking

into it, the more it gives space for something new to occur.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. And so part of it is,

yeah, is doing that work on your own, of sitting down and maybe

writing out how you think it's gonna go, and you can prepare

for it. But how can you prepare for it differently, instead of

being up and guarded, how can you Well, I want to show up as

my highest self in that moment. And what is it going to take for

that? Well, if mom is this way, or if my husband does react in

this way, where can I just take a few moments excuse myself to

the bathroom and go regulate myself. I found, for me in the

past with family, that my pattern is to go into fixing.

Can you relate, like fixing the other person telling them what

they're doing wrong? I mean, you know, part of the, part of the

gift of being a coach, but definitely not the place to do

it. And and judging, even just judging like, I definitely walk

into my mother's kitchen and I'm just like, Wait, why is this

here? Wait, why? What are we doing with this? What are we

doing that? It's just like, so a like, be honest with yourself.

What is your default like? Look back, rewind, watch the scenes

of the past few years, whether it's with your kids, your

husband, your in laws, your family. Because I could

definitely tell the truth about that and be like, Okay, that is

definitely something I want to retire and and then choose to

create, like, how do I want to walk in there? And because we're

already with the expectation, we are creating that simulation. We

are visualizing that, which means we're strengthening that

program. So when you walk in there, you're, I mean, your

subconscious is running the show like your your whatever your

default, whatever you programmed in there, is going to kick off

totally and so a lot of times it's going to be that same way.

So we have to bring up the awareness of that, which to me,

is like stage one of transformation, of healing, is

bringing that awareness to the forefront of, oh, right, that's

my default. And how do I want to walk in there this year and

literally writing it out as if you're you're a director, you're

a writer. This is the script, writing it out, and then running

that vision of like, what would you see? What would you hear?

How would you feel? How would you act? Closing your eyes and

imagine watching that scene, of you showing up that way. And if

you run that simulation every day for five minutes, so you

could probably run through it like 1015 times, there's a

higher likelihood that that's who's going to show up.

Totally. I love that so much, and I the clip

that was used on my social media last week of the episode of

triggers, it was like, own your side of the street. And this is

an exact, beautiful tool to do that, which is amazing. Like,

what is my role that I normally play when I walk in the door?

Because then, isn't it funny that that when we just trapped

in the mind, it's like, oh, my mom's like this, like, Oh, my

husband behaves like this around my parents. And it triggers me.

It's like the focus is on the other person's behavior, whereas

what you're saying is just what is the part I'm playing and what

is the part that I want to play, which, of course, is the only

thing we have any control over, any choice over. So how

beautiful.

Yeah, not only is it all you have control over, but

it's honestly, trust me in this test it out, it is all you need,

like everything is occurring inside of your movie, your

simulation, your nervous system, you don't need to try and fix

and change the other person. The more you master yourself and

your nervous system and regulating yourself in that

moment, it's like a movie scene that when there's a villain,

there has to be a victim like and and how much when you can

walk into that scene, grounded, regulated, open, how it impacts

the other person just because they're feeling that regulated

system. And sometimes it's not immediate. So maybe mom is

really frazzled, or, you know, your partner is really frazzled,

and your practice is, how much can I be that anchor? How rooted

and grounded and regulated Can I stay? Oh, shit, I can't. I'm

getting hijacked here, okay? Indication to go excuse myself

and tend to that, and I could get into those practices of what

that looks like.

Yeah, can you share? So when you say regulate,

I imagine most women that listen to the new truth know, but in

case there's someone new here that doesn't know about the

nervous system regulation, maybe just talk a little bit about

that, and then a simple tool of practice that they can do it

when they're feeling activated to regulate themselves.

Yeah, yeah. So what I want to share with you about the

nervous system is that it responds 10 times faster than

your mind does. So in point two seconds, your nervous system is

responding. In two seconds, it reaches your conscious

awareness. And so yes, we want to work with both the body and

the mind working cohesively together. And I shared with you

guys what to do for the mind, like run that simulation program

that in as best as possible, but the nervous system is still

going to take the lead. So without that, most likely you're

going to fail many times if you just do the simulation. So thank

God for this. First off, because, have you ever been in a

car driving? And we all have but like, the person in front of you

slams the brakes and thank God. Like, why do you think you're

able to respond so quickly? Yeah, that's your nervous

system. So grateful for it. And the challenge is that we have

created so much dysregulation, disconnection, your nervous

system is always working for you, meaning it's always

listening for safety or threat. And when it senses safety, it

will just metabolize whatever is there and move forward, and

you'll be able to stay present and grounded. And when it senses

threat, it's going to put you, it's going to protect you. It's

going to put you into fight, flight, freeze, please. Going to

put you into some pattern response that's not you, which

means you're going to need to be in a heightened state, which

means you're not showing up as you anymore. Your higher self

isn't in the driver's seat anymore. And so the opportunity

is to learn how to work with your nervous system, and that

takes learning how to speak to it. How to cultivate more safety

in your own system. And so how do we speak to it? Well, the

language of your nervous system is sensations. So when you feel

something, our tendency is to be like, I don't want to feel this

anymore. Or, oh my god, I'm like, annoyed right now. Can

this just go away? Like, or I'm annoyed right now. Let me go fix

the other person. And so first off, just noticing, and this is

not, it's going to take practice, not, I'm not giving

this to you here, expecting you to ace it right away. Don't

expect that of yourself. This definitely takes practice, and I

do have a freebie around this called cultivating safety, but

learning how to slow down and be with your breath our breath is

such a way to reconnect us, and then naming and noticing

temperatures is one of the ways to get back into your body,

because you could take a breath and still be in your head. But

like taking those deep breaths, is signaling already to your

nervous system that you're safe, because when you're being chased

by a lion in Kenya, right? You would not be taking deep

breaths. You would be running for your life and shallow

breathing into your chest, but like those deep, deep belly

breaths, so taking a few of those deep belly breaths is

already starting to signal to your nervous system, hey, we're

safe. And then notice the temperature of your feet. And

then. Put one hand on the other and notice the temperature

between your hands, and then take a deep inhale through your

nose and notice the temperature of the air as you breathe it in

through your nostrils. And right there, all that took you out of

your head and brought you deep to connecting with your body.

And you could also start to just tap or massage yourself your

leg, anything to just get yourself connected to being in

your body. Because without being in our body, we cannot regulate

you. Right? And then once you do that, and you could do that at

the dinner table while someone's talking, you can listen to them

called dual awareness, right? Listen to what they're saying,

and at the same time, massage your leg, take some deep

breaths, and then tune into what am I noticing? Oh, well, there's

some tightness in my chest right now. And just starting to name

the sensations. Ooh, it's my whole chest area, from shoulder

to shoulder. It's tight, it's heavy, it's sharp, it's hot. And

if you just name that and observe that, you're bringing

curiosity, you're saying to your nervous system, hey, let's look

behind door number one. I don't think there's a lion behind

there and already. And then you're in partnership, working

together, and what's going to happen is your nervous system

will start to metabolize the energy that's there. I mean,

I've had, I had a client the other day that just got

Invisalign. And, you know, just like braces, those of us that

had that are Invisalign, there was a lot of tightness and

sharpness and pain in her jaw. And even this practice was

something that should be creating unpleasant sensations

because you're stretching your jaw and your mouth was able to

dissipate because, again, your nervous system response in point

two seconds, your My your conscious mind in two which

means a lot of times when we're experiencing unpleasantness,

discomfort, it's because it's reached our conscious awareness.

So it's not to say that there isn't discomfort happening. It's

that you've trained your nervous system that it's safe to feel

these sensations in this area, and it metabolizes it so fast

that you don't think you're in pain anymore.

You right?

Because it's not reaching thought,

yes, yeah, rather than I'm because I'm just

thinking about in in marriages, like, how many people have

extreme conflict, and it's like the nervous system jolt, and

then the thought blame or attack, and then that just

starts the pattern up again.

Yeah, exactly. And so same thing, you're in like, some

disagreement with your partner, because whatever it is,

he didn't do what he said he was gonna do, and you

feel like you do everything

or doing too much of something that you don't want

him to do. And it's bringing that same practice of regulating

yourself before you have the conversation. So it's not

because this used to be me, Don't rock the boat. Make

everything okay. It's fine, it's okay. It's no big deal. Like

talk like that's what I learned. I learned to gaslight myself and

please and appease and it's not do what my mom used to do, which

is just yell and judge. That's the other end of the spectrum.

So it's really about conscious communication. So let me go

regulate myself first. Let me move through the emotions first,

so that I can speak this out in a way that could actually be

heard. And if someone's yelling at you, your nervous system does

not want to hear that. Sorry, guys.

So, so in the instance that it's already

happened, like zero to 100 nervous system, you know, I just

think of all the women who are stressed out this season, who

have kids, who have 10 million things to do. Who are they're

over? Scheduled, overbooked, their marriage is already

struck. I mean, so this is like saving the marriage. Probably

they've been questioning it for a long time. There's all this

heightened energy, and they've gone from zero to 100 and

they're in the pattern of like, in the reactivity. What would

you say? What would you say to that to like to navigating the

the practice, of course, because it's always practice. And you

know, we we need to be gentle with ourselves as we learn to do

it differently. When you're in the zero to 100 and you're

already there, already reacting. What would you suggest?

Perfect, great. So we'll pick up where I left off

before, which is was just warming you up. It was just

like, how do I connect to my nervous system? And before I get

into the ocean, of my emotions, and you think about a surfer

before, if you talk to any surfer before they get into the

water, they put on their wetsuit, especially if they're

on the Pacific coast, they put on their wetsuit. They do some

stretches, they warm up their body, and then they get in. And

so everything I shared with you up until this point of the

breath, and tracking some sensations and connecting to

what's there is that warm up, and so ideally, you want to take

time for that. You're in the heat of it, you're in a fight.

You go and you excuse yourself to the bathroom. I can't tell

you how many times I've done that in the middle of, like, the

heat of it, with my partner, I'm like, I'm gonna go back. And

it's not that I need to pee. It's I need to regulate myself.

I need to tend to myself. And ideally, in if it's that heated,

you need privacy. And so this is where you're entering the ocean.

Like, can you do the like, go to the bathroom. Okay, I'm just

gonna breathe. And then you're in. You're in it, you're in your

emotions. Now, emotions are not good or bad, they are pleasant

and unpleasant, and we get to feel whatever actually

happening, and we have forgotten how to feel. I did a TED talk on

this. We think about our emotions. We question what we're

feeling. Why am I feeling this way. We judge it. We want to

stuff it down. We want to project it. We want to run from

it. We want to do anything, but actually know how to hold it and

feel it. So imagine being in that ocean and a wave comes and

you're like, why is this wave coming? And then you get smacked

with it, and we get trapped in it longer and longer and longer,

when the truth is you can move through an emotion in 90 seconds

when you're not judging it, running from it. They did A

Harvard study on this, and you could see it one of you that

have kids, little kids, they are fully self expressed, and when

you allow them to express whatever emotion they're having,

they'll move through it in about 90 seconds. And if it's longer

than 90 seconds, it's because they're riding multiple waves,

they're frustrated, and then underneath that, there's they're

sad, and then they're tired, and you call it a tantrum. They're

hungry, and they're hungry. You call it a tantrum? Like, oh my

god, they're having a tantrum. Something's wrong. This is bad.

No, they're in the ocean of their emotions, and there is

multiple waves of emotions. Like, we have a lot to remember

that we forgot as adults as to how to feel you want to remember

watch a kid, watch watch a toddler, fully self expressed.

And so what does it look like to feel an emotion? It is to bring

your fullness to it. You watch a kid that you just told them

we're going to Disney World. They're not just going to say,

oh my god, I'm so happy and smile at you. They're gonna run

around, they're gonna scream, they're gonna be like, they're

gonna jump on the couch. They're gonna be like, yay. Same thing

with big sister takes the toy away from Little Sister. Little

sister's gonna come over to you. She's gonna cry. There's gonna

be some hand movements, some facial expression. It's fully

expressed, fully. Acted out. But then you look at us adults, and

we suppress instead of Express. And so as you're in the bathroom

having that moment, it's really asking yourself, What am I

feeling right now? And you can all pull up something called the

mood meter. If you Google mood meter image, this will come up,

and it's a by Yale University, and it's a graph. It's a chart

that has about 100 different moods on it, pleasant,

unpleasant, low energy, high energy, and it's good to use

this, because the other thing that we've been challenged with

is our emotional vocabulary. I'm sad, I'm annoyed, I'm angry,

that's about it. I'm horny, it's very I'm happy, it's very

limited. Are you sad, or are you disappointed? Are you

disheartened, or are you lonely? Each one feels slightly

different. Each one would be expressed intentionally,

slightly different. So I like using it because it expands my

vocabulary, expands my connection to what I'm actually

feeling. I'm not sad, I'm disheartened right now. And

then, giving yourself 90 seconds to ride that wave, and riding

that wave looks like acting it out, the body language, the

facial expression, the sounds that you would emote, and the

first half of it may feel forced, may feel fake, and then

you really get it. It's kind of like when you first start riding

that wave. Ooh, you're wobbly, you're not quite on the

surfboard, and then there you are, making your way to shore.

And so imagining that you're an actor wanting to get that role.

You know, you see 10 actors audition for the same role, they

all have the exact same script. What's different? Their ability

to emote, it to act, it express, it, to use more than just the

words on the paper that they were all handed the same. And so

that's that's the opportunity, that's what it is to feel.

That's what you see when you see a two year old. And so giving

yourself permission to just go have that 90 seconds, I promise

you, 90 seconds is a long time for us adults to actually

validate and acknowledge what we're feeling. But when you do

that, so much of it is going to discharge, and what you're doing

go back, tie this back to the nervous system, is you're

retraining your nervous system for this emotion. Because a lot

of us have certain emotions in the bucket of good, certain

emotions in the bucket of bad, certain ones as familiar,

certain ones as uncomfortable. And by the way, it's not always

the unpleasant ones that are uncomfortable. Some people are

uncomfortable expressing joy. So what you're doing is you're

retraining your nervous system for the full spectrum of

emotions. Because in those 90 seconds, that's a lot of data

that's like programming that back in, like, Oh, this is this

is okay to express and feel. And your nervous system takes that

in and says, All right. So a in those 90 seconds, it metabolize

it, it, relearn it. And so it's not that you're never going to

feel that again. It's that in future times, when you feel it,

you're able to stay regulated and present, because your body

just your nervous system just metabolizes and discharges it.

And this is how you build that emotional resiliency, and this

is how you stand in front of your partner who's having a

moment, and you're able to stay present with them and loving

with them and open with them. And so give it a try.

And isn't that everything? Isn't that

everything to be able to stay loving and present and open when

they're triggered, rather than both of you taking the bait and

jumping in the pit together? I love the 92nd thing, because it

gives, like, some banks to the river, and it doesn't mean you

can't keep going. Like, obviously, if you're if you're

crying your eyes out and you're punching the floor and you're

not done at 90 seconds, you can keep going. But that, it gives

you, maybe you have something else to say about that, but it

gives you a. Um, it gives you something that feels doable. And

you know, because we've been all taught to fear our emotions, and

I think that the power, the power of what's unlocked, you

know, if a woman's not connected, not allowing herself

to feel anger, you're going to be disassociated from power like

there's so many, yeah, there's so many aspects of our our

fullest expression of ourselves that we cannot access if we're

not accessing all of the feelings that you're talking

about,

absolutely because, again, anytime you don't want to

access it, your nervousness, your nervous system says, Okay,

well, then I'll just protect you from it, no problem, except for

that. Then to protect you from it, you have to be in a

heightened state. You're dysregulated, and then that

bleeds into other areas, how you how you handle your kids, how

you go about the rest of your day. And then you're wondering

why you are this stress ball of a mess. And then you beat

yourself up about it in the evening, like, Oh my God, I'm

such a horrible mother. I can't believe I yelled at my kid. Why

did I do that? And then it's just it's never ending spiral.

And so again, re framing how we view our emotions, and learning

that the gift of allowing yourself to express it is that

you're building that resiliency. You're training your nervous

system, and so you'll have more capacity. You'll have more

capacity with your kids. You'll have more capacity with your

partner. And yeah, you won't and you'll stay as your higher self.

You both won't be jumping in it. Now you said something before of

what if it takes longer than 90 seconds? Yeah, because again, a

lot of times there could be multiple emotions there. First

I'm like, so sad, then it's like, maybe underneath that,

there's frustration, so you just keep riding it until you're

done. Just like, sometimes we go to the bathroom and it's a quick

pee, and sometimes it's a little bit longer, so you just stay in

there. No one ever questions like, why were you in the

bathroom so long? Or maybe they say it and you're like, because

that's what I needed. So same thing, you take as long as you

need because it's going to serve you and it's going to serve

them.

Yeah, I love that. How

many times I've done this been like in the heat of

the moment with my partner out in the restaurant, and I'm like,

I'm gonna go to the bathroom, I come back and it and it shifts,

shifts the whole dynamic, the whole conversation.

Yes, it's everything and so important.

Okay, now I'm thinking about the women who are like, okay, saving

your marriage, like the women who are so complacent, who are

already dreaming of some other guy, or their escape fantasy of

where they want to go, or why this isn't right. And there's

just like, because I hear this a lot, for sure. This like

deadness at the end, you know, where there's, I mean, that

there's when, when you're still in the fighting phase and you're

still in the heated phase, but then there's, there's the cool

phase, where it's like, almost, almost out the door. How do

those women like, What? What? What would you offer to those

women?

A relationship is an entity that is built of two

individuals. Think of it like a third garden. You have the

garden of you. He has the garden him, and only you could enter

yours, only he could enter his. And whatever is in there is what

you bring that creates that relationship, that third garden.

And so if you're feeling that way, part of it could be valid

and take time to go back into your own garden. Get to Know

thyself, because you don't, you may not realize how much of it

is actually you're doing. I've worked with so many women and

men that were like, Oh my God, If I only knew this during my

first marriage, how much power I have, how much responsibility I

have, how much of it was me that marriage could have, could have

worked out. And so my question, if you're feeling like you're

almost out the door, is, how much have you learned to know

yourself, to love yourself? Part of that loving yourself is

everything I just covered with you, is knowing how to validate

and acknowledge what you're feeling and regulate yourself so

that you're. Showing up. We all have two bodyguards that when

you don't know how to tend to yourself, these bodyguards are

what take take over. And this comes from Steven Kessler's book

The Five personality patterns. Pretty dense book, but it's

good. I have, I have my own version and quiz and stuff

around that of identifying what two are yours, but mine used to

be to either dissociate or to want to merge and please and

come back to love and connection. And so if you don't

know which, I imagine most these women don't, if you don't know

who your bodyguards are and how much you're not even in the

driver's seat of your relationship, your marriage,

your life, then you don't you and your partners, what, what

their patterns are, and how much, oh, my god, like this.

Isn't my husband. He's just overwhelmed right now, these

patterns show up when we're overwhelmed, when we're

stressed, and we don't know how to regulate in the way that I

just taught. And get back in the driver's seat. So many marriages

are just bodyguards protecting the little child that it is

intended to so you don't even know yourself or know your

partner. And how much grace I can give my partner when I

realize, Oh, he's just in his pattern. Okay, where can i Is

there more room for me to regulate so that he feels that

can co regulate with me or No, he just he needs space to tent

himself. I'm gonna give him space. I want to be with him

higher self, not his bodyguards. So there's so much to unpack and

uncover that's available. Once you do that, if you still feel

this relationship is not in alignment, you will have the

courage to leave

that's funny, that that that's where you ended,

because I was, that was my next question is, is, what would you

give as a reference point for women who are really on the

Should I Stay or Should I Go train? And, yeah, that's it. Do

you want to say more about

that? It will be. And I've had, I've had clients in my

10 years of business. I've had clients leave their marriage

break up. I've had many clients do that. It will be natural and

easy, once you're in alignment with yourself, to clearly

recognize if the other person is not in alignment. And a lot of

times, like in my own experience of being in my marriage, which

we've definitely had moments where we were like, you know,

thinking like this it I'm done, and I just know my pattern, and

I know his pattern, and I know how much of it is just like, No,

we, like our higher selves, are deeply in love with each other.

This is all just noise. This is all just the other ones.

I love that like knowing the different. Can you

Sorry? Carry on. I'll ask my question. Okay, I was just gonna

say, can you? Can you tell us a little bit about your patterns,

like, just describe what they are and like and how you guys

navigate them. But I love, I love that. I just want to

highlight the last thing you said, because that's so

important. Like, your higher selves are aligned. It is in

alignment. It when you're when you're both in alignment. It

feels like alignment, when you're both in your own when

your gardens are both tended to, and that's the clarity versus

like, I just think, how many people end relationships? I

support ending relationships. I think, you know, we're not

supposed to not all relationships are supposed to

lead to Rome. They're not all supposed to be forever. I think

that's, you know, a bunch of bullshit. But I just think of

how many relationships could have evolved if people knew, and

they could have deepened, and they could have grown, kept

growing together, if people knew how to not relate from their

patterns, but how to actually get into alignment with their

souls and who they really are and then, and then relate from

that place, and know what to do when the patterns arise, like

it's just, we're not equipped. We're all expected to be in just

one forever, and we're not even equipped for relationships. No

one taught

us how, yeah, yeah. And then you get the women that

say, Well, I feel like I'm so ahead of my partner, and it's

like a double edged sword when we're the ones that are more

advanced. Yeah, because you're like, Oh, I'm so much more ahead

of him. Yep, exactly. So this is exactly where you get to

practice compassion and being the regulated one and speaking

your needs and modeling to them what's

possible, right? The most conscious person in the

relationship is responsible for holding down the consciousness

in the relationship.

Yeah, and you still always have a choice. And if the

if your partner is willing to grow and it may not look like

what it looks like for you, they may not be interested in

listening to podcasts or going to a retreat, it doesn't have to

look that way. It can look like they're receptive, because

relationships are a mirror, and if you're playing the role, like

I used to, of everything's good, everything's great, like I'm not

going to rock the boat, which, by the way, was me for two years

in my marriage, as evolved as I was. And you know, I've been in

this field for 21 years, and I came in because certain things

only get healed, in love with your person. And for the first

two years, was in my pattern, which I'll talk about in a

second. But what you're robbing what I was robbing my partner of

was that reflection, that mirror, because nobody

intentionally, most people aren't intentionally wanting to

be assholes to the person they're in a relationship with,

and a lot of times they don't see it because it's so

unconscious, and so you reflecting it to them. If

they're receptive to it, they're open to growth, it's in that

moment, they can be like, Oh my god, I never realized through

that. Okay, all right, I'm gonna put that into practice, and

maybe one day they're open to listening to a podcast, but they

just find their own way. It doesn't always have to look like

the way that you do it, and I've had to learn that, because

that's been my partner, to let go of that it has to look a

particular way, how we heal, how we grow. And so for them to be

receptive to you, you have to know how to express it in the

way that they could actually hear it, like I said before, if

you're yelling at them and putting them down and judging

them, that's only going to make them go more into pattern. If

you're able to say it with an open, vulnerable heart, let them

just let let it simmer for them. So things started. My partner

started to grow when I started to be willing to rock the boat

and speak up for myself, yeah, and we've had tremendous amount

of growth, and still do and so I think it's easy to fall in love

because you fall in love with with the illusion, with, like

the best version that shows up the first three months the

honeymoon phase. But to choose love over being right, to grow

in love, to choose in the moment when you're both fighting, both

heated, I get to choose, take a moment, regulate myself, come

back and say, I'm sorry. I could see where that hurt you from

your point of view. I could also see where I could be defensive

and be like, but it's like, do I need that or just like, I'm

choosing love in that moment. And so that's how we grow, is we

keep choosing to be willing to be in the mess, the friction.

How's the diamond made? A diamond is made through

friction. So you want that great relationship. Cultivate that

with yourself first, because love is not something to get

self. Love is not is is is an inner thing. Love is something

to come to relationship with. And that's the thing is, most

people don't know how to love themselves. They don't know how

to love certain parts of themselves. They're still

judging some of their emotions. So many divorces could have

worked out. So many marriages could have worked out if people

learned how to love themselves, how to validate and acknowledge

what they're feeling, how to get back in the driver's seat

instead of their patterns. So speaking of patterns, because

you asked, So there's five patterns, leaving, merging,

enduring, aggressive, rigid, and they each get formed by time

you're seven years old, out of a need of survival, like thank

God. I. And for me, mine are my primary is merging, which is

emerging has like merging, merging compensated. It kind of

has like two different flavors. You can call them the damsel in

the stress or the Savior. Both of them have the same wound. I'm

not enough. There isn't enough. One feels like there isn't

enough. So I need, I need from others. The other says there

isn't enough, but I'll go save everyone else, and then I'll

feel like I'm enough. And the wounding came from not getting

the nurturance that you needed in those first two, three years

from mom, whether it's emotional, physical nurturance,

just not getting that, not training your nervous system for

that. And so we learn so the feeling of it is a hollowness

and emptiness in your chest a lot of times that can never be

filled, that when you're alone or like, really just not knowing

how to nurture yourself, that was me for so many years. And

when you learn because you can to heal that to fill that

emptiness by learning how to get what you didn't give yourself,

what you didn't get, how to nurture yourself, then you're

able to be more in the gifts of it. So all these bodyguards,

they have gifts, but we want them in the backseat, where

we're in control. And I wouldn't be here right now if it wouldn't

be for moving through that, because I would never believe in

myself to be able to do what I do today and hold others when I

can't hold myself. But when you heal that, a lot of us that are

in the coaching space, not all, but a lot of people run these

have this pattern, because we're the lovers. We're the healers.

We have so much capacity and compassion to hold because we

have filled a big hole in ourselves. And what it's looked

like in my relationship is in my early years, it was to it was

being needy, clingy, codependent, and needing someone

to love me, and people pleasing and not speaking up for myself,

not having a voice, all that, and just not taking care of

myself so constantly being dysregulated and then wanting

somebody else to make me feel better, whether it was friends

or a partner. And then was my primary.

What was his When? When you're in the beginning,

was it the opposite?

So it's not necessarily the opposite his

pattern. So mine is that or to leave. And leave doesn't mean

leave the room. Leaving means like dissociating from my body.

That's the youngest pattern. It gets formed because there was

some lack of safety and even coming into this world, into

this body, whether mom was stressed, or your birth was

rough, and so I, those are mine. His are actually different,

which is really nice, challenging at first, because

you're like, gosh, this person's so different than me. Why are

they doing that? Like we'd be in a fight, and I'd leave the room

because his is rigid and aggressive, and I'd be like too

much leaving the room, and he'd feel and then he'd feel so

disrespected, because I'm touching on the exact wound of

the aggressive pattern, which is feeling alone In the world,

feeling misunderstood, feeling abandoned by others, but their

bigness, their loudness, would be too much. So I literally

leave the room in the middle of the fight without saying I need,

like, Excuse me, right? But just like, walk out, and then he

would just follow me around and want to be heard and out of

that. So when you don't know this. Oh, my God. Relationships

could feel so hard, so horrific, and so now it's like we're able

to both regulate more quickly, or able to see and know, like,

can I regulate with him, or do I need to give him space? Because

his rigid pattern is just judging everything, everything's

wrong, what this is wrong? This is wrong. What's wrong? This and

then trying to create order and structure and clean everything

up, or judging me where then I'm like, I feel attacked and I need

to get defensive because I can't hear him. I. Yeah, so so much is

available when you discover all this stuff.

Just saying, you're like, how many people just leave

their relationship from their pattern and it's just like, or

any friendship that blows up a job, like, how, you know, it's

just sad because it's like the, well, you're just going to

attract the same thing somewhere else in in all different

circumstances of your life, but it's like such an opportunity to

practice healing, and to heal that relationship with with

these younger parts of yourself that nobody else can heal for

us. And these are the gateways. Every time you're activated by

your partner, like that's the gateway.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. And again, there could this

could feel like a lot. And I, what I gave you guys today, if

you just bring that into practice, it's going to support

so much of that. So you may feel like, Oh my God. Now I need to

get this book, and I need to understand exactly this pattern,

blah, blah, and sure, if you want to deep dive in to all that

stuff, you can and if you're just like, I just want to have a

great holiday with my family. And I'm probably not going to

master understanding my patterns or my partner's patterns in the

next three weeks. So I'm just going to do the practice that

even when I do understand that stuff, is still going to require

me to do the same practice. So guys just jump into the

practice. Because when you jump into the practice, you're just

going to notice, wow, I'm more me, like, I'm more grounded,

more centered. So the mind wants to know and understand all the

things and that could come in time. But ultimately, you want

to feel good, and you want to feel regulated, and you want to

feel connected and love and safe with yourself and your partner.

So if you just take time to even at the table, take those deep

breaths, tap on yourself a bit, track some sensations, excuse

yourself to the bathroom, pull up the mood meter, express

whatever's there for 90 seconds, just let yourself have that

tantrum. And then you know if, and lastly, if you feel stuck in

your head, because some patterns are more heady, especially like

the rigid pattern or the leaving pattern. We're in our head.

We're not in our body a lot, and there's a lot of noise going on,

and even after moving through all the emotions, you still feel

all the loud noise and judgments in your head. Then grab your

journal, dump it all out and listen for the emotions that are

still there. I feel, dot, dot, dot. I am dot, dot, dot. That's

your inner child speaking right there. Or I want, oh, that's

actually what I want. I need. Okay, that's what I'm going to

go and communicate to my partner later. So just decipher all the

noise, the the inner critic, the judge, the ego, and just listen

for the heart, which is the I want, I need, I wish, or the

inner child, which is the party that's holding all your limiting

beliefs and emotions. So he never listens to me, limiting

belief. There others never listen to me. And of course,

there's deeper work to do there. I mean, if only we could give

this all in one session. Never need to work or come to a

retreat. Never need to do it, but these are the things that

will help you anytime and especially through the holiday,

run that simulation, regulate yourself and then just be

willing to, like, even bring some humor to it, like, if it's

too late, like, oh shit, I've already started, and you notice

it? Like, in the middle, there's a fun little practice, spin

around, say, do over, redo, rewind. Like just pattern,

interrupt it in that moment and just laugh at yourself, laugh at

the moment. Bring more humor to the moments where it's like, oh

shit, I got hijacked. I'm not in the driver's seat anymore.

Normalize that. Normalize the imperfection, which is going to

be hard for some of you, rigid pattern people needing to get it

perfect. But again, this is if you run that pattern, I want you

to imagine you're a dog and wiggle your tail and stick out

your tongue, because we tend to be rigid and keep it all tight.

It's. Rules, and this is the right way and the wrong way, and

I fucked up and I was wrong, and we judge ourselves, and just

like, that's a great pattern interrupt. I love

it is,

yeah, I have ones for all of them, but that's the one

for that. That could be a whole new conversation.

So good. It's just Yeah. It's like, take

responsibility for your side, and, and, and I love the

bringing lightness to it. And even, like circling back to the

this, what did you call it, the sing simulation at the

beginning? Like the what version of yourself has been walking

into your marriage or walking into the party or walking into

work, and what's the version of yourself you want to be bring to

the room and, and, are you, you know, and, and, and all. I mean,

gosh, this episode is packed. This is a one you're going to

want to rewind and listen to over and over again. And there's

just so many nuggets and so many really practical, tangible

tools. And I know that your tool belt is massive, your biggest,

biggest part of your work now is Train the Trainer and you're,

you're, you're training men and women to to become facilitators

of your work and this incredible somatic, inner child healing

work that you do and embody so beautifully, tell us about. So

if I want to work with you, or want to know about how to follow

you, or how to how to get in your world. What does that look

like? Yeah.

So that is my, you know, my, my, my biggest love

right now is my certification program. But that only started

five years ago, and I've been doing this 10 years. So if

you're wanting to get in my world, I hang out on Instagram,

try and put out my content, and if you follow me there, you will

100% get a direct message for me within a week, because I love to

get to know the human behind the follower, because I am a wealth

of knowledge and resources and all kinds of stuff, whether it's

free or paid, with me with someone else. And so yeah,

that's really the best way if you want to engage with me. And

yeah, I have my certification program. I have retreats coming

up in January that I have a few spots in I have, I have a new

rewrite your love script, mini course. So all that stuff, some

of it is already up on my website. Some of it, if you're

just like, hey, I want to know more about that, you can just,

you know, hit me up on Instagram. But, yeah, my website

is training camp for the soul calm. I have my cultivating

safety, guided breath work. I don't want to call it

meditation. You're not meditating, but you know, really

guiding you through, you know, reconnecting back to your breath

and your body and your sensations and riding those

waves. So that's a freebie on there, as well as a few other

freebies. So more coming, more coming. I have a great new cmo

that's helping me build all the all the delicious stuff for you

guys at every level. So follow me and you'll get all that

amazing.

We'll link everything below so you have

access to it in the show notes, any final words for all the

women out there who are trying to save their marriage, or at

least clicked on this episode because some part of them

desires to save their marriage this holiday season. Yeah.

Yeah. Couple things remember that the only way, the

only way to feel better, is to get better at feeling. So that's

your practice to validate and acknowledge yourself. And yeah,

your first marriage, your first love is, is, is yourself. And

when you master that, alignment is going to happen, whether it's

with your current partner or your future person, amazing.

Yeah, beautiful. Thank you so much. My love. It's

so amazing hearing all your wisdom and yeah, just thank you

for such a power packed Golden Nugget episode that will be a

memorable one. Yeah, thank you guys, thanks for tuning in.

Thanks Kate for having me so fun. Love you. We'll see you

next week, and as always, share this episode with every woman

you know, who me and man men can listen to, and we need to hear

it, and we will see you soon.