PREVENTING FUTURE REGRET

It's the Karen Kenney show. Hey you guys.

Welcome to the Karen Kenney show. I'm super duper excited to

be here with you today. We know what. I'm not excited about all

this snow. I'm ready, you guys. I'm just ready. I'm ready for

winter. Viola. Okay, whining done, and I'm back okay. Today

we're going to be talking about regrets. Regret, regret, regret.

How many of us have just walked around in life carrying some

regrets that we're just like, oh man, you know that that that is

just so not soothing. But we have good news for today,

because we're gonna dive into this. I've been thinking about

this for a bunch of different reasons, and I've been wanting

to talk about regrets again, because I did an episode like

God, like six years ago. I think it was episode 69 and I just

called it on regret. So I've talked about this before, like,

a really long time ago, but I have a lot. I have some newer

thoughts. I have some newer thoughts. And you know what I

always say in my podcast episodes? I mean, not on every

single one, but what I often say is I reserve the right to change

my mind, and that when I'm smarter, I'll hopefully do

better. When I know better, I'll hopefully do better, but I

reserve the right to change my mind. I reserve the right to

grow. I reserve the right to go like, Oh yeah, I've learned

better. I've learned more better. I love using bad grammar

sometimes. I've learned more better since then, I've been a

smarter I've been a smarter person since then, okay, but I'm

thinking about regret for a bunch of reasons. Number one,

you just cannot be in this political climate right now and

not hear a bunch of people saying how much they regret

voting for Donald Trump. So there's that daily, that daily

thing of all the bro podcasters, a lot of the bro comedian

podcasters saying, Oh, I didn't think he was actually going to

deport a bunch of people. So yeah. Number All right, that was

bad impression. But number one, you just hear that a lot going

on. Also, I have some decisions to make in my life. And one of

the things I always ask myself when I have multiple options is,

I mean, there's different ways of coming to decisions, of

course, but one of the things I often ask myself is, Will I

regret this? Well, will I regret this thing I'm about to say or

do or whatever post. You know, sometimes you gotta, you gotta

think about it. Also. There's a so right is certain. Right is

right when we are working on a project, not all of us, but a

lot of us, right, a lot of different people will kind of

put on their walls like things that are inspiring them,

especially like, imagine you're writing a historical period

piece. So you might put pictures of people in their old timey

clothes or places. Like, if you're writing about the Africa,

you know, the Savannah, or you're writing about the

pyramids, or like, whatever you're doing, right? You might

put things on the wall that inspire you, that motivate you,

that bring you to that time again, whatever it is. Well, I

have a piece of paper on on my wall. That's part of like my

writing wall, which, right now I don't have a bunch of things up.

I'm always kind of surrounded by my history, like I have a

picture of my mother on my desk. You know, there's remind my

mother's back there. Me, little me. So there's always reminders

for me around here. But I keep this particular piece of paper

because I said it to my sweetie. I said this quote to my sweetie.

It wasn't a quote at the time. I was just talking, but he

reminded me of it one day a wicked long time ago. And so I

wrote it down, and I printed it out, and it basically just says,

and it's about my book, right? My book that I'm writing, it's,

I don't ever want to regret not writing it. I don't ever want to

regret not writing it. And that quote in particular is really

the hot beat of what we're going to be talking about today. And

this is going to make sense in a minute. So stay with me. Okay?

And then fourth of all my, one of my fourth reasons right, is

that it's like, how do I talk, whether you call it spiritual

teams or loving intelligence, or divine intelligence, or the

universe, or, you know, whatever. Sometimes when my

brain starts to think about talking about a thing, you just

see it. You just start to see it. It's like when you were a

kid and you, you know, all of a sudden we're driving in the car,

and you got bored, and one of you is like, let's play punch

buggy. Well, as soon as you tell your brain and you start to

focus on trying to see little Volkswagen buggies, what do you

do is you start to see them, right? So it's not surprising to

me, as I've been thinking about talking about regret, that all

of a sudden I get an email from somebody Jesse. It's, well,

talking about regrets. And I was like, okay, that's the sign. I

got it, got the memo, got it right? And like, here we go.

Okay, so I want to go back to my previous episode, Episode 69

because the reason why I wanted to do this episode is that

there's another regret, and it's, it's, let's just call it,

I call it a preventative, right? It's a preventive regret. You.

And this I did not talk about in my previous episode, so I wanted

to share this one with you, because I find it wicked

helpful, and I thought maybe you will too. Okay, so on Podcast,

episode number 69 on regret, I basically talked about, I said

there's two main types of regrets that people encounter in

their lifetime. One of them stems from decisions made or

actions that we took that we are now not proud of, right, things

we did, things we said, decisions we made, actions we

took that we're not proud of. And, you know, we wish we could

take them back. Okay? And I said the second kind of main regret,

or type of regret that we have is an action that we didn't take

or didn't do, and what I realized is that both of those

are focused on the past. It's us now looking back, right, and

saying, like, oh shit, like, I wish I hadn't said that or done

that. And it could be anything from, you know, maybe you just

were irritable that day, and you spoke out of turn, and you said

something hurtful, and you made, you made somebody cry, or you

upset somebody, all the way to something like a major life

decision, where you got a divorce and now you wish you

hadn't, or whatever it is, right? This being human, we have

1001 ways to make mistakes and to fuck up. And, you know,

there's that thing they say, and 12 step programs, like,

sometimes you got to ask yourself before you do

something, am I really just hungry or tired or lonely or I

just need, I need support, or whatever it is right before I do

this thing? But we don't always have the self awareness in that

moment to know, like, hey, this thing I'm about to do, or this

thing I'm about to decide to not do, like, show up for my kids

basketball game, or I'm not going to pay my bills on time,

or I'm not going to X, Y and Z, whatever that I'm not going to

keep my word, whatever it is. Like I said, there's 1001 ways

that humans, we can screw things up, but those are all like now,

things in the past that we can't do anything about. Okay, so when

I was thinking about these two main things, bringing them back

up in my mind, I realized, oh, there's a third kind of regret.

And Jesse also talked about this, hit on this in his email,

which I thought was fantastic. So number one, let's just

revisit these. There's the regrets in the past, right?

These are the ones that you can't do anything about. They

happened years ago, or they happened last week. And what's

done is done, you know? And they say in, I think it's an AA, I

know it's in the 12 step, you know, kind of recovery programs,

but they say you can't build a better past, right? And this is

my way of saying, like, what happened happened. You know,

that whole saying, it is what it is, it is what it is, the thing

went down, you did the thing, or didn't do the thing, right? You

can't do anything about it. And this is when we have to, like,

go into the realms of like, you know, self awareness, first of

all, like owning it, like, yeah, this was something that I

participated in, did and said, and I wish I hadn't. I have to

accept that, that I was doing the best that I could at the

time, or I wasn't do the best that I could, and I actually was

being a dick. And looking back now with some maturity and some

insight, and now I'm so whatever your thing is, right? Maybe

you're a person who became sober, or whatever the thing is,

and you're like, Okay, and this is the realm of like, self

awareness, self acceptance and self forgiveness, right? And

then with with the knowledge, I think we're how we kind of ease

the sting of regret, is that we actively work right to do

better, right? Not just say, Oh, I wish things were different.

No, you do something about it. Okay, so that's it. These, those

are the ones you can't do anything about. Then you have

the ones that you can do something about, right? So you

might be sitting there and saying, like, I was kind of

harsh with that person, or Oh, I was impatient, or oh, I wasn't

really paying attention, and they felt not seen, not heard,

not loved, blah, blah, blah, I didn't do my best as a father,

right? But hey, I'm still alive. Like, I can't go back and change

my kid's childhood, but I can. I can make amends, right? I can

make things right. I can, like, acknowledge my part in things. I

can say I'm sorry, and I can actively work on myself to do

better moving forward. Can't go back and change the past, but at

least I can still try my best to do something about it. Now,

whether or not people want to

accept your apology or to allow you to make amends or want to be

in a relationship with you again. You don't have any

control over that, but at least you've come to a place of

awareness enough that you're like, I fucked up. That wasn't

great. I can do better, and I'm gonna actively work on being

better, doing data better, thinking better, saying better,

right? All of that. And I often tell this story. I have told it

so many times, but I tell. It, because I think it's a really

simple, but also a funny and humor is a really great way to

help us to change without shame, to realize that, you know, we're

all human, and we all do wacky things. But so one of my

teachers, aknaron, tells a story about, you know, a couple that

were dating or whatever, and, you know, the guy said to the to

the girl like, about her dog, like, Oh, your dog's ugly. I

can't imagine who would ever say that. I don't think any dogs are

ugly, but let's just imagine he looks at this dog. Well, I

people have said to me not about bunchy but about our old pug,

Quincy. Quincy, Magoo. Clancy. We called him Clancy too,

somebody when we walked past him on the street in downtown,

conquered once made a comment about how ugly is what he was.

And I was like, Oh, my God, you poor soul, if you think this dog

is ugly, you fucking don't even get out. You have no clue. He's

the cutest thing ever. He's a little black pug. He was the

cutest Okay, and I'm back, but let's just say somebody said

something mean to your dog. Okay, this is the story that he

tells. The guy says something mean about the dog that couple

breaks up, he moves away, and then later he realizes that was

not a kind thing to do, like I could do better. Now, whether

that person has moved on, or that dog has died, that person

doesn't want to talk to you, whatever the situation is, you

might not be able to go back and do anything about the past, but

what you can do, ashwaran says, is every dog you meet going

forward be incredibly kind to them, and that's how we heal it,

right? Healing doesn't happen in the past. Healing happens in the

present moment, doing better, making amends. It happens in the

present, like in the here and the now. So we have these things

that you cannot go back to in the past and change. You have

the things that you can going forward, do something about, and

now we have number three, and this is the one I'm excited to

talk about. This is the so you have the ones you can't do

anything about, the ones you can do something about going

forward, and now we have number three, the ones you can prevent.

This is the one that you actually have some good control

over. And this points back to that quote I was telling you

about, about my memoir, about my book, where I said I don't ever

want to regret not writing it. Here's the thing, I can prevent

that regret by actually writing the damn thing right? And that's

what I'm actively doing, is I don't want to have a regret. So

what am I doing is I'm actively writing the book. So I want to

share this with you, because you have to know what's yours to do?

I always say, Don't not do what's yours to do. Do the thing

that is yours to do, whether that's like, I use this example

before, where so many people come up to my sweetie and

they'll be like, I've always wanted to play guitar. He's

like, Well, you have a guitar at home. And they're like, yeah.

He's like, you're not dead yet. You still have time. Your

fingers still work, right? So it's like we have so many things

that we can prevent if we are willing to right, if we're

willing to maybe be uncomfortable because we're new

at something, and we're going to suck at it, and we have to be in

beginner's mind, and we have to be a learner, and our ego

doesn't like that, because adults get weird about being not

good at things. You know, adults get weird at not like we're

afraid to look stupid, we're afraid to be made fun of. We're

afraid to not be good at things. Little kids don't care. Little

kids when they play. Think about when you were little kid. Most

of us, I mean, I didn't like to color outside the lines, but I

was a wicked good color inside the line, so I didn't stress

about it, right? I just did it. But most of us, like you, ever

do a cat wheel before, no show me, and then you try, and you

don't care if you fall and you all laugh and you have fun. We

get older and we become way more self conscious, right? So here's

the thing, if we are willing to have self awareness, if we're

like, meaning like you, have to be self aware enough to know

that if I don't do this thing, I will regret it. Like somebody

says, I've always wanted to run a marathon, or I've always

wanted to write a book, or I always wanted to, like, donate

blood, or I always wanted to say I'm sorry. Like, there's a fact.

You know, we can't spend the whole show talking about 1000

and million in one ways, right? That that you might have things

that are on your heart and on your mind, that you feel called

to do, that you feel excited about, that you feel curious

about, whatever the language is, right? And you're like, I don't,

I don't want to, I don't want to regret this. Well, you don't

have to, right? There's a lot of things that are in our control,

right? Like, go out and vote, you know, say the damn thing

like, start the project, whatever it is, right, start

doing better. Start showing up at your kids games or recitals.

Start studying at night instead of watching TV, X, Y and Z. I

want to go back to school, whatever the thing is, right,

you can probably prevent a lot. Of things, not everything,

especially when it comes to relationships, right? It takes

two to tango. You, if you if you don't want to divorce, but your

partner does, you can't control that ultimately, right? So it's

like, what is mine? What is mine that I can prevent? Right?

What's my control? What's in my control? And you have to have a

little bit of courage, right? You have to be willing to let

yourself be vulnerable enough to want a thing, right, to want to

go after a thing or pursue a thing, or learn a thing, or

whatever, because a lot of times you know people around you will

talk you out of your dreams. And that's a whole episode for

another day. But one of the things that Jesse said that I

loved, he said, you know, and it's the same thing that I ask

myself. I say, Oh, am I going to regret this if I don't do this

right? But he says, I asked myself this question all the

time, am I going to regret this in the future? And if the answer

is yes, I get in front of it immediately. And so he was

giving the example of how he always wanted to run, I don't

remember the exact number, like, 100 mile race, and his wife,

Sarah was like, This is crazy. And he's like, Sarah, you know?

She's like, What about your knees and later down the road or

whatever? And he's like, I'm not living for later. He goes, I'm

living for now. And I asked myself, well, I regret not doing

this. And he goes, and I knew that I would, so I signed up and

I did the race and blah, blah, blah, you know? So here's what I

know, not doing a thing is going to absolutely, probably

guarantee you the outcome that you don't want. No if it's

really on your hat to do it and you're really curious about it

and you really want to pursue it, and you don't, it's like you

can prevent, you know, when smoking the bear used to say

only you can prevent forest fires, well, only you can

prevent future regret. And again, it's you have to be self

honest, you have to be self aware, you have to have a little

courage, you have to get a little like pep in your step, a

little Mojo. You got to be a little brave, right? But we can

have a different outcome. Regret does not have to be the thing.

It does not have to be the ending of your story. I always

like it, you know? I know that they're not all happy endings,

but I'm like, if we can have a happy ending, right, why

wouldn't we want to pursue it for ourselves and others? And

that's the thing you can have a better ending story than. Well,

now I regret it. I wish I had I wish I hadn't right. So things

we can't do anything about, things we can do something

about, and then ones we can prevent, things that we can

prevent. And so this is an opportunity to just, I'm going

to keep it simple, right, just amending it. I'm ending the

podcast right now. But just ask yourself, you know, are there

some things in my life that I've wanted to do that I know that I

need to do some apologies, I need to make profess my love,

like start a business, whatever the thing is, right? Only you

can prevent future regret, so it's got to be on you. But

that's a powerful thing. So I hope this has been helpful to

you in some way, when you think about these different kinds of

regrets. And I hope you're writing a beautiful ending to

your own story, right? You are the author. You are the author

of your own life story. And certainly, there are a lot of

chapters, and there are a lot of plot twists and things that

happen, awful things sometimes that we can't prevent. Not

everything is preventable, but the things that we can prevent,

like, why not? Why not get in front of it? As Jesse says, why

not do something about it? So this is my little love letter

from my hat to yours. I hope it's helpful in some way, and I

hope you're hanging in out there, right? It's it's tough

time to be a human like being human, I just said to somebody

the other day, this being human is so fucking hard sometimes,

and there's a lot going on in the world, but just know that I

am beaming love. I am blasting love from my heart to yours, and

I hope you can feel it coming your way, and that you know that

you're not alone in all of this, and you know that there's people

around you, and people maybe you have never even met yet in real

life, that actually care about you. So wherever you go out in

the world you guys, may you leave yourself and the people

and the animals and the places and the planet better than how

you found them wherever you go, may you and your love and your

energy and your presence be a blessing. Bye. Hey. Thanks so

much for listening to the show. I really love spending some time

together. Now, if you dig the show or know someone that could

benefit from this episode, please share it with them and

help me to spread the good word and the love. And if you want to

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wicked fun to stay in touch. Bye. You.