Ask the Expert: Be Vulnerable and Brave with your Message An Asexual Journey with Sandra Bellamy

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Hello, hello Amplifyou family, Michelle Abraham, your host, and I'm here today with Sandra bellemeade. Sandra is a new friend of mine that we met at an event A few months ago. And I'm excited to bring her on this show because what really stood out to me about Sandra is that she had a story, and she has a message. And it took a lot of courage to get that out there in the world. And in fact, in 2015, she launched her YouTube channel, which has gained 1000s and 1000s of followers since then. And it's really cool, because it's actually kind of like a reality show that follows her along her journey. And it's called a sexualized, and it's a second asexual life. Sorry, it's my asexual life. And I think that's a really cool thing that you've done. Sandra, I want to get into it. But there's so many more things about you that I want to share with our audience that only instead of a YouTuber, she's an advisor. She's an author, she's a speaker, she's a trainer, she's a coach, he's all the amazing things. She's been on tons of publicity on tons of shows, including BBC Radio, tons of her cat podcast, the Daily Star channel for all sorts of great things a German design show. And she's also a publisher in the UK, and her publishing companies called quirky books where she hopes to share her message with 1000s, if not millions of people in the future. So Sandra, welcome to the show.

Thank you so much for having me. I was so excited to be here.

You are so welcoming. So we're diving in behind the mic. So we're gonna start with your podcast are you with your with your YouTube podcast is just a word that comes out of my mouth all the time. I'm in YouTube chat. So we're gonna start with your YouTube channel. So you started it back in 2015. And it is like a reality show following you on your journey. So tell us about this.

I started my YouTube channel in October 2015 on I officially launched it on asexual awareness week, because I'm asexual and sexual orientation. And if your audience has never heard of that before, ad sexuality is a sexual orientation that's based on the lack of sexual attraction. And what that means for me as a romantic asexual is I don't get sexual attraction towards anyone but I do get romantically in a setting the attracted towards guys, but I don't get the need or want for partner sexual intercourse, because I don't have those sexual feelings. So yeah, it's a big topic. It covers a lot of different spectrum identities as well.

Right? Well, thank you for sharing that with us. Because I that that's, I love that our audience may may or may not have heard of that term before. So now and also to like, that is a big, huge thing to talk about. And that takes a lot of courage to share something around that so intimate to you personally. So how did you get the courage to start sharing your story, especially so publicly on the YouTube channel?

Yeah so, this is really big for me because it was a major shift in my life. So prior to my channel, I was really scared about talking about sex. And I would only talk about it with past ex boyfriends, and I'm an asexual that have had sex in the past, which might shock some people. And that was before I knew I'm asexual, I discovered I'm asexual in 2014. But I was in heterosexual relationships for pretty much the majority of my life. But I would so shy about sex I would only talk about with my ex boyfriends when in a relationship with them. And I wouldn't even talk about it within a girlfriend. No one. So it's kind of like my secret with just my exes. And even though a lot of asexuals don't want sex, but some are you know, okay about having it. If I'm going to be a big impact in the world, I thought and helping sexuals then I can take the information that I had about my perfect life to the grave with me, or I could share it with the world and help some people so I chose to bravely share it with the world and help some people and I think that's really important message for your audience. Yeah, if you take it to the grave with you, it helps no one tonight me so get your voice out people.

Hey, NBC routine that you know, as we work with so many podcasters that's one of the things that comes up all the time and that fear of having your voice heard. And I think if you boil it down to it, it really comes down to a fear of being charged. How did you get past that fear of judgment?

I had to prepare myself mentally. So I had to think you know, you're gonna be talking about sex. And further down the line masturbation, I was blushing when I first talked about it. And I was so scared. And I'll just do it Souder because I feel like asexual, you know, an asexuality is my natural thing to talk about. It's almost like I've known it all my life, which I pretty much did, but didn't realize it, because I was born that way. And I am a leader naturally, somewhat, although I used to be really shy and introverted years ago. And so I just thought, you know, if you're gonna do this, you're gonna be getting out of your comfort zone all the time. So the sooner you do it, the better. And if you blush, it's okay, if you're shy, at first, it's okay. And just put it out there. You know, I'm very careful with my community. If I have people that are being horrible in my community, I mean, other people are welcome that are not asexual, they if they start getting horrible, and trolling and say nasty things, I will block them. Because I think it's my responsibility to protect my community there. And so if people are saying horrible things to me and about me, then they're probably going to say it to members of my community in comments, and it's not going to be a safe space for them. So one thing I pride myself on, which I do get comments back about with feedback is that my channel is a safe space, even though it's public, people feel safe coming on my channel, because I protect the people that I care about, which is my asexual community. And so I do that with myself. It's about self love and self respect, as well as understanding your audience. And that also, it's good to have an idea of what might be the worst case scenario. And you know what they could say that might be horrible. A lot of it I've already heard before anyway, because I discovered asexual in 2014. So that gave me time to get used to be you know, knowing I'm asexual, I've always been asexual, but I didn't know it. And I started hosting asexual meetups in January 2015, before I started my channel, and that allowed me to meet asexuals offline in person brought it to reality for me if you like. And so those were good experiences of like minded people. And that gave me strength. And also joining online communities gave me strength to know what I was talking about. And also to give me the courage to do it. Because when you've got people around you that understand you that you can relate to, it makes the whole process a lot better. Yeah,

That's awesome. So if I certainly can boil it down for our audience, I think it comes down to first of all, having the courage to put it out there and imagining the worst case scenario and then make anything else that happens not so bad. And number two is surrounding yourself. Well, first of all, having the self love and the self acceptance and nurturing of a community and surrounding yourself with people who are like minded and also that you can you make sure that's a very safe environment. So I love what you've said about the we've curated a safe place for people to share, and to be a part of so that community and that connection is super important. And I'm sure it helps gives you strength to to keep going as a leader to keep sharing your message. But I also heard you say something about when you first learned that you're asexual, you went out and met people in person and surrounding yourself with others and started talking about it first before you became super public and in putting it out there on YouTube. So I think that also probably helps getting some traction speaking about it without putting it out there on YouTube first, so just but practice speaking about it out loud instead of just in your head, right? Yeah,

It helped because I found out as asexual 2014, but it took me about three weeks to come to terms with where I fall on the asexual spectrum, because that's, that's kind of hard to work out. And then I was going in forums and stuff like that. And then January 2015, I started my channel in October 2015, January 2015, when I met the first two asexual people in person offline, and that solidified weighing sexuality. And I got I was I had, I have to say, I had social anxiety for years and years and years of my life. I could only usually be one to one with someone because I have generalized anxiety disorder. I was born into trauma. I had a forceps birth, so I had anxiety even before I was born. And so I've had anxiety all my life, which I manage. Well, I still do have anxiety, but I manage it really well. But it was very difficult for me. You know, I went into the asexual community. And I noticed that there was people that were talking about meeting up, but no one was actually doing anything about it. And they were doing this on a search right or, which is the biggest online forum for asexuals and there was a couple of people it seemed to really want to meet up but no one's stepping up to the plate and I've been a manager in retail before that's what they did. They might have bite you like bro, a lot of beers. And so I thought you're a natural born leader, founder. You're not really a follower. So I think you need to step up and be the person that does this. So I organized it with the two people And then when I got to meet them in person and we were talking about asexuality just brings it all to life. So that experience between January and October was really, really good. However, there's Oh, yeah. And so that helped me overcome social anxiety, which I haven't for years, which is really important. People have traveled to my meet ups for like, hours. One guy came on a bus for 12 hours and wagon co Yeah, just one way and had to go back that way. So it really stopped me having the social anxiety that I used to have. And then yeah, when I, when I was doing my channel, that was in October 2015, like I said, there was something else that was got out of my head. But I was gonna, I was gonna say something about getting out of my comfort zone again. So obviously, I got out of my comfort zone to do that. But yeah, I hate that.

It's alright, ultimately come back to you. And if it does, please let us know. And so my next question was gonna be about your, your actual YouTube channel, because it's about your life. And it's like, kinda like a reality TV show. So tell us what that's like, from like, the behind the scenes like, are you taking camera with you, wherever you go was wondering to get inspired? How are you planning that content out? Because I know for me, like, the thought of bringing stuff with me or like turning on the camera all the time is like exhausting. Although I want the content, I don't want to have like, feel like I needing to put a camera on all the time. So how do you deal with that? And what's your process? And what is your content kind of look like? Okay,

So between 2015 up to 2018, July 2018, I wasn't actually doing live streaming like I do now. And I wasn't doing everything to do with my life. So I was putting out like a video like ready made video, but that actually didn't suit me very well. I like ad libbing. I like being in the moment. I don't like scripting. It actually doesn't work. Well, for me. I feel it holds me back. I feel that if you think about perfecting stuff all the time, then it just drives me nuts. And I actually find it harder. So I'm speaking at the b&b COMM summit next week. My talk is very structured, and it's a one I did Oxford University for blue talks recently. It's based on that. And to actually structure a talk for me, it's really hard, because I'm not used to doing that. And so in July 2018, that was when I do my asexual perspectives Awareness month because I published a book called asexual perspectives 47 asexual stories love life and sex, a celebration of asexual diversity. And so I decided every year for the whole of July, in a way for people to get used to the book, I would quote from the book every single day, and I started doing a live stream every single day for that month. And then I decided to carry on I don't do it every day, because I can't because of my workload. But I do do it as much as possible. So I do a live stream chat show went on to do a live stream chat show. And I also just take my phone out all the time. And it's like, one of my most watched types of video is food that gets more views a lot of the time than my asexual stuff. So it's absolutely shocking what some people watch that a lot of asexuals have an in house joke if you like that cake, or food is better than facts. And so a lot of asexual seem to love their food. And so I hate cooking. This is the ironic irony of I hate cooking. Why would literally when I'm having my food, I will do a video and say what the ingredients are in the food I'm eating and stuff like that, and people really love it. Focus very strange. So I've diversified a lot from what is asexuality? The different types of asexual is on the spectrum, all about asexuality to now about my life. So I went to Disneyland Paris this year and I'm going back there in January. And so I'll literally take shorts video shorts are really good way to grow your channel. They're incredible. So I'll do little shorts videos of the parade and there was a horse and carriage the went through Disneyland Paris and that was one of my best viewed videos. So you never really know what people are going to like I had one video where I had a weird thing happened where a leaf fell on my arm randomly. And that's like had over 3000 views so it's very strange what people like watching but mine is kind of an entertainment show information mixed in education and lifestyle. So I do like cover all those four things whereas before it used to be just education but that allows me to continue creating content all the time. My don't worry about what people think of me I've become more and more confident. And so I couldn't really care less I extreme in my pajamas and my dressing gown quite a lot of the time because I'm streaming late at night and it's either alright Sanjay You either like decide to like get up and put all these clothes on and stuff in which he was like, really tired and out of the mood. And I just think do it as it is because it's real. A lot of asexuals can relate to it because they're at home who are watching the TV in their pajamas or whatever. So be relatable to your specific I think audio doesn't matter what other people do just be you.

That's a great, that's great advice. Because if you I liked what you said about getting out of the mood by the time you put clothes on. And it's true, like if you just just do you when you feel like in the mood to do it, then that's going to be a lot better and your audience will relate to you more if you're in the moment. And just like they would like to see you v. So instead of trying to be someone that you're not or do something that you don't want to do, I love it. I want to dive just quickly for one moment into you live stream from when you're out and about. Do you have a live stream app on your phone that you do that rather than which one you use?

Oh, I mostly live stream at home. Not when I'm out so much mostly out I do shorts videos. Got it.

So you pre recorded it and then upload them.

No, I do live chat show in in YouTube, I just click go live using my webcam on my laptop and I go live he often for one to two hours at a time. So last night, I did a live stream it's over 40 minutes. And I just think of something I want to say just one thing. And I click go live. And then I have a whole discussion about it. And I just it comes so naturally to me that I can just talk about it however long I need to talk about and I'll have people in chat, they can ask me what they want. And so some people come in chat from America or, you know, all over the world. Basically, they have questions or comments. And you have to manage basically what you're talking about as well as going to people in chat because I very much advertise it is a chat show, which is my USP because a lot of other asexual channels, they just do 10 minute videos a lot of the time, which are very popular, but it's not really totally me I feel much more comfortable being able to put a lot more content out or you know, in the moment and be able to do these live chat shows where I connect to a sexuals around the globe in chat itself. They can interact with each other and me and asked me whatever I want, whatever they want or what I want whatever they want. Yeah,

Yeah, that's awesome. I love it. So I would love to know like a little bit more about you, you have some books that you're that you have are all want to get out into the world. What's your vision for your publishing company?

So my first book I ever published was in 2015, and it was a redundancy book that took me two and a half years to write. And then I published asexual perspectives in 2017, which is a best selling book now. So that's on Amazon. And I published Fibromyalgia self help handbook, how to manage Fibromyalgia have less pain, more energy and feel happier like a superhero Rockstar and I did that in 2019. These are nonfiction books, my own personal experience, but asexual specters got 47 Eight sexual stories in their mind and other people's, but I've done it in a question answered this way. So they stories as told through the answers to the questions as every question you could possibly think of when you're new to asexuality in the asexual spectrum. And Fibromyalgia self help handbook is my own personal way I manage Fibromyalgia have a lot more energy than most people actually can tell. My wife and I decreased my pain and and be happier. So I went when I got Fibromyalgia diagnosis, it took me like six months to come to terms with that I had a disability for life. And then that's when I stopped talking negatively to myself because I had depression for years I was very bad at talking negatively to myself. And so my fibromyalgia saved me from depression became an asset to me. So in terms of asexuality, I've got three books on the go for asexual moment. One is I've had for over four and a half years. I've been working on it since June 2019. Yeah, so I it's called a sexual Guide to Sex, which obviously is quite controversial in some ways, but there are specifically a number of asexuals that want to try sex or are willing to participate in it and it doesn't come naturally to them. And I have the experience on my path. Because I used to have sex in the past to be able to navigate the the relationships between heterosexual and asexual that's where my expertise lies, and that I can bring the two together. My mission if Target asexual you recognize as a sexual orientation is so right throughout the globe. So no asexual has to live in fear of really cool ever again, and I believe my background is good because I can understand the heterosexual mind and the lifestyle normal that works and the asexual they kind of very different in some ways. Yeah. And it's kind of hard for them to understand each other, but I think I can bridge the gap. So I've got that but like the moment I got diary Confessions of a hyper romantic eight sexual 78 life lessons to a show live. That's the one I'm currently editing. So I finished that. It came out but I haven't finished editing it and people want it before Christmas, but because I'm at the b&b COMM Summit, I'm busy promoting that at the moment. I'm having a hard time trying to finish editing that and I just added a bit more to it. Actually, I have so many books with me and so much on what to write I ended up adding more to these things. But yeah, it's really good. This is Behind the Scenes of my channel, and my mind is a hyper romantic asexual. So this is giving my audience further behind the scenes stuff. So besides having my blogs of like, when I go to the cathedral, for example, and sit on the sit on the cathedral wall, when I eat my food, when I'm just, you know, like preparing for a podcast, go, Hey, I mean, if I preparing for, you know, I'm gonna be on a podcast scene about asexuality. And when I'm doing this, and Paris or wherever I go to, you know, the zoo or wherever I've got that. But then this book, I'm specifically a hyper romantic asexual. And this book is good, because it takes you behind the scenes in my brain of a hyper romantic asexual, but it's my real life stuff that's been going on. And so it's kind of really good, because it's got romance stuff in there, which is romance. It's the most hottest genre in fiction, but it's my real life. It's like combine a slight, it's nonfiction, but it's got parts of fiction elements in it, if you know, I mean, in the terms of its romance book, but in what I learned being a hyper romantic and the life lessons to help other people in their life, it's very, I like I'm raving about because I think it's very clever concept is something I've never tried before, the concept came to me in just September this year. And I'm like, you've got to do this, but you've got to do it. Now. It's like an experiment, because it's something you've never done before. So I am scared about doing that. Because I don't know how my audience are going to take it. But I want to put it out there and see how it goes. I've already got people who say they want to buy it. So you know, it's good. Having a YouTube audience is how I think I sell a lot of my books, I don't have specific statistics on that. But I know that when I talk to people, or I, in my show, I talk about my books, like as part of my introduction, often, that's when the usually the sales increase, if I don't talk about my book on my channel, sales decrease. So there's a there's a direct correlation, it seems to be there. So and I've also got a sexualized Academy Club, which is very tiny coaching club, and I've got a white workbook, a workbook in there, that I start doing for those members, but that will come out on Amazon for people to buy as well that are non members. So that was the three books I've got so far. But there's like loads of other stuff I want to do. But Laurie confessions, I'm thinking it's probably going to be a series. And that's really going to be good, because you're gonna get the visual like stuff of my show, then you're gonna get behind the scenes of my mind. So it's going to be kind of really good people can see both sides of it, and I'll have even more access to me being me and my life stuff, you know, reality TV. Yeah,

Yeah. And, you know, it takes that takes a lot of courage to be that on in having your life that public. And so, just want to commend you for your courageousness and especially talking about a topic that is highly sensitive and intimate. So that's the double whammy right there. So, you know, audience, if you're listening today, and you're hearing scientists started reaching out to her, tell her how amazing she is and how courageous she is because she deserves to hear how all the wonderful things that she's doing in the world. And if you're thinking about getting out there and sharing your message with the world, you know, I hope you really take this this interview to heart because Sandra had to overcome a lot of things to get that message out there in the world. And she's doing an amazing job to send a chair with us your YouTube channel, where to find out about you and how they can connect with you.

So my main YouTube channel is called a sexualized my asexual life. I do have another channel, which I haven't mentioned yet, which is called Make money make cash. And we haven't dived into that. But I is growing slowly. And I is basically sharing how I make money online using marketplaces. So everyday people can do it. And then I interview other people about how they make money, make cash doing what they love. So other people that are listening could do the same. So and I do behind the scenes stuff of my business on there as well. And Sandra Bellamy group@gmail.com, is how you can get ahold of me by email. I'm on Facebook, facebook.com/a sexualized, but you have to put a Ste actualized because Facebook will not allow you to put the word asexual in the HTTP address. So an A sexualized.com with an S. So they're my main points of contact. Okay. And LinkedIn I'm on as well. I've heard Andrew Bellamy put on there.

I will link all those things in the show notes for you guys to follow along because it's hard to get all those when you're listening and you're maybe driving in your car or working at the gym. So we will make sure that we get those in the show notes for you. And Senator, I want to thank you for coming on today and having this interview with me. It's been a pleasure hearing about your story and your courageousness to share your story and the the world and the changes that you're making the world and the impact you make by sharing your story are amazing. Thank you so much for being with us say any last words of wisdom for our audience today.

Just do it. Don't worry how and know that you can figure this out because you can look for evidence of when you've achieved something difficult in your life before So now you can do it again. Yeah, I got my books on Amazon. I have to say that because they are also.

So well thanks guys for listening in today I will fight you family and go out there and have a fabulous week. We'll see you again next week.

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