Sept. 12, 2026
What Are Beige Flags? And Why Anyone Dating Or In A Relationship Should Pay Attention To Them!
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RSS Feed This is a relationship term that has caught on for all the reasons you’ll never guess. We are all so burned out from flag culture… red flags, green flags, yellow flags… that we’ve started to turn every small, quirky habit into a referendum on our relationships. Experts say the unusual and yes, even mildly annoying habits of your partner or a potential partner are NOT evidence that someone is incompatible with us. We’ve stopped dating each other and are constantly surveilling and labeling one another. We go over some hilarious examples, and some of our own beige flags, to remind us all that some of the strange things we do, may end up being the most endearing if we just look at them through a different lens.
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00:00:12
Speaker 1: Hey there, folks.
00:00:12
Speaker 2: It is Saturday, September the 12th, and sure, we all know what red flags are in a relationship. Hell, we even learned recently what a green flag is. I don't know what a beige flag is. And with that, welcome to this Relationship Saturday episode of Amy and TJ, where we often all learn this together. Rose has brought something to me now, once again, I'm not familiar with, but there's a red flag, there's a green flag, and a beige.
00:00:41
Speaker 1: Yes.
00:00:42
Speaker 3: Now people are talking about beige flags, and they're wondering what they should do with them, but we should probably begin with describing what they are, right?
00:00:51
Speaker 1: I don't really have a hint. Red means stop, green means go. Beige. Beige flag in a relationship. I don't know.
00:00:59
Speaker 3: Okay, so they are described as the quirky, unusual, maybe even boring traits that you notice in someone.
00:01:08
Speaker 4: And you don't know if they're good or they're bad.
00:01:11
Speaker 3: And unlike red flags, which signal danger, like you pointed out, like abort, abort, or green flags, which tell you this is a good mate, go for it. These don't necessarily tell you they're a great partner, but they tell you that you should get curious and ask yourself what they make you feel. Can I give you some examples of what some beige flags might be?
00:01:35
Speaker 2: I definitely want, but it's not good or bad. You're supposed to determine if it's good or bad. I don't know if I understand it yet.
00:01:43
Speaker 3: So first of all, they were described as, this is just a moment where you need, everyone's hyper and overanalyzing everyone else. And look, I even hear this from Ava. We had a conversation. She's going on dates and she said, I think I'm just too picky. I do think this is part of the conversation where people start to a sign, value, worth, or some sort of action that needs to be taken based on everything someone else does. So we're overanalyzing each other. We're holding each other up to a standard that becomes almost impossible to actually settle in on a partner, feel comfortable with them, and embrace all their quirks.
00:02:23
Speaker 2: You make it sound to me like this is all in, not the person we're dating, but in our own mind.
00:02:29
Speaker 4: Correct.
00:02:30
Speaker 3: Correct.
00:02:30
Speaker 1: Oh, okay. Correct. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
00:02:34
Speaker 3: And so this is kind of a moment where we've got all the yellow flags, red flags, green flags, beige flags. And I think the point is we all need to calm down. That's part of this conversation. And the term is caught on because people are getting burned out from all the flag culture. That is where it is important to put this beige flag concept in the perspective of everybody is burned out from labeling everyone.
00:03:04
Speaker 4: Does that make sense?
00:03:05
Speaker 1: I was about to raise my hand about flag culture.
00:03:10
Speaker 3: Correct.
00:03:10
Speaker 1: This idea that we don't know how to date anymore.
00:03:13
Speaker 3: Exactly.
00:03:14
Speaker 2: We don't just know how to have basic human interaction. And we almost have a sheet here. We're supposed to check this person is this or that, or they showed up this way or that way.
00:03:22
Speaker 1: Wow. A flag culture. I never, that's, that's sad.
00:03:26
Speaker 3: Yes. And so the point of this is basically here's the headline. Stop turning every small habit you see in someone else into a referendum on your relationship or a referendum on even the possibility of a relationship. Okay.
00:03:45
Speaker 1: You said you had examples though. I need to hear this.
00:03:47
Speaker 3: Yes. Yes.
00:03:48
Speaker 4: Okay.
00:03:48
Speaker 3: So here are some beige flag examples that they give. And we could actually, I actually, it made me think of what hours are that we started to learn about each other when we got into a relationship.
00:03:58
Speaker 4: But some of them are, you just laughed.
00:04:01
Speaker 3: You know, when you said to me, by the way, when we first started dating, you said, wow, I hope all these quirky little things that you do remain cute to me.
00:04:11
Speaker 4: Because when they stop being cute, we might be in trouble.
00:04:14
Speaker 2: You said when we first started dating. I thought that's like a weekly saying I have for you.
00:04:19
Speaker 3: I just remember you saying that early on in our romantic relationship. Because it's one thing to see it in a friend. It's another thing to see it in a romantic partner.
00:04:28
Speaker 1: That is true. So, okay.
00:04:30
Speaker 3: Here are some of the beige flag examples that they give. Talking to yourself.
00:04:35
Speaker 4: Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
00:04:36
Speaker 1: If someone talked.
00:04:38
Speaker 3: Yep. Just constantly talks to themselves. People might be like, what the hell is that person doing? That would be one of my beige flags.
00:04:45
Speaker 2: That might be red for me because that suggests, well, all kinds of things.
00:04:49
Speaker 4: Well, you ask me all the time. Are you speaking to me or are you just talking to yourself?
00:04:54
Speaker 2: Talking to yourself is different from just talking like your thoughts out loud.
00:04:58
Speaker 4: Well, yeah, that's what we're talking about.
00:05:00
Speaker 1: Well, some people talk to themselves. It's different, baby.
00:05:03
Speaker 3: Well, and I would go so far as to say talking about yourself in third person. Now that's a full on red flag for me.
00:05:08
Speaker 1: Okay, I do that often. Like, TJ, you idiot. I do that. You hear me do that often. You do, but you.
00:05:14
Speaker 4: Don't use it in a narcissistic way. Like, TJ thinks that he's hungry.
00:05:19
Speaker 1: TJ's strong.
00:05:21
Speaker 3: Yes, we're not talking about that. All right, here's another one. Beige flag examples.
00:05:26
Speaker 4: Excuse me. Keeping 40 tabs open on their computer.
00:05:28
Speaker 1: Is that a beige flag?
00:05:31
Speaker 4: It's a quirk and it can bother people.
00:05:33
Speaker 3: Sometimes when people look, I've had people complain about the number of messages, unread messages that people will see in their partner's phone and how irritating that is to them.
00:05:42
Speaker 4: They have like 5,000 unread messages.
00:05:44
Speaker 3: Yes.
00:05:45
Speaker 4: So that's a beige flag.
00:05:47
Speaker 1: Okay.
00:05:47
Speaker 2: Well, you just named two, two out of the three.
00:05:50
Speaker 1: I got them.
00:05:52
Speaker 4: Eating the same breakfast every morning.
00:05:55
Speaker 1: I do that too. Actually, I do mix it up. Sorry.
00:05:58
Speaker 4: Sometimes you do. Um, Quoting movie lines during serious conversations.
00:06:03
Speaker 1: That's all day long.
00:06:05
Speaker 4: So in my notes, I wrote, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, TJ. Not during a serious conversation.
00:06:10
Speaker 3: Oh, no. Sometimes you will, and I kind of take offense.
00:06:12
Speaker 4: You're like, babe, that was actually from a movie.
00:06:14
Speaker 3: And then you will tell me who said it and what movie it was in so I don't get further upset.
00:06:19
Speaker 1: That's onlyâ oh, my goodness. Okay. Well, obviously, these are allâ I do every single one of these.
00:06:26
Speaker 3: Keeping a detailed spreadsheet ranking every restaurant they've visited. Okay. No.
00:06:32
Speaker 4: No, but you have it in your mind.
00:06:33
Speaker 1: I have what?
00:06:34
Speaker 4: A spreadsheet of the service, the food, whether or not we can go back.
00:06:40
Speaker 1: We go to five, please.
00:06:41
Speaker 4: That's true. That's true.
00:06:43
Speaker 3: Okay, here's one of my beige flags, because you'll laugh when I say this one. Telling the same five stories at every social gathering.
00:06:49
Speaker 1: Everybody does that. You know who's the worst at that?
00:06:52
Speaker 3: Chuck.
00:06:54
Speaker 1: You've heard them now. You haven't even known them that long. You've heard the same stories.
00:06:57
Speaker 4: Oh, my God. All right. Refusing to use GPS because they know a better way. Neither one of us do that.
00:07:04
Speaker 1: Okay, that's just a warning for every woman dating a man. Exactly.
00:07:10
Speaker 4: Whistling while they walk.
00:07:13
Speaker 1: Really?
00:07:13
Speaker 4: Yeah, that can be like, what? It seems strange.
00:07:17
Speaker 3: You whistle around the house with a vibrato, which I actually think is cute.
00:07:21
Speaker 2: But I often do that to Sue. to calm myself down, to get a tune going. But if I'm out walking and whistling, I made it in America. Who the hell has time to just take a walk and start whistling?
00:07:34
Speaker 1: Nobody.
00:07:35
Speaker 4: All right. Owning an unusual amount of clothing in the same color.
00:07:39
Speaker 1: Hmm. Hmm.
00:07:41
Speaker 3: And basically, it's defined solely as behaviors you notice and find weird. I will tell you some of the things I noticed about you when we first started dating that I would absolutely describe as beige flags. Because I had to say, wow, okay, this isn't something I'm used to.
00:07:56
Speaker 1: It's going to be Thanksgiving in here somewhere?
00:07:59
Speaker 3: Well.
00:07:59
Speaker 4: I was going to go with your Die Hard obsession.
00:08:01
Speaker 1: That's what I mean. Thanksgiving.
00:08:02
Speaker 3: Yes.
00:08:03
Speaker 4: I thought that was what you were referencing.
00:08:05
Speaker 1: Yes. I don't know why it was a big deal.
00:08:06
Speaker 4: That was a little strange to me.
00:08:08
Speaker 1: Ten months out of the year, I've never watched Die Hard.
00:08:10
Speaker 4: It remains strange to me.
00:08:12
Speaker 1: I do it.
00:08:13
Speaker 4: You want to tell the exact quirky habit you have?
00:08:15
Speaker 1: Oh, my goodness. Starting on Thanksgiving Day, Die Hard. Yes. Bruce Willis.
00:08:24
Speaker 3: 1988.
00:08:24
Speaker 1: That movie, which is obviously one of my favorites.
00:08:28
Speaker 2: Plays in the house where I am, no matter where I am, 24-7 through January 1.
00:08:34
Speaker 3: And we leave the house, and one of the TVs has to remain on with Die Hard on it. In fact, you have a DVD player, right? And it just is on a loop, and it just plays Die Hard. So even if we turn off other TVs, you'll know at least there's one TV dedicated to the Die Hard loop.
00:08:52
Speaker 4: Yes, that is a beige flag.
00:08:55
Speaker 3: Okay.
00:08:55
Speaker 2: It's a bit when you're looking for something but why is that a beige flag we all have.
00:08:59
Speaker 3: Our things um and then the tv on while you're sleeping that's it sometimes it feels like a red flag but it's a beige flag it's just you need that to soothe yourself and so i have learned to adapt.
00:09:09
Speaker 2: But you know the funny thing die hard i always thought you might mention the other thing uh i always have the ipad in the bathroom usually archers on right That's your other page.
00:09:18
Speaker 1: I have another. There's a couple things.
00:09:21
Speaker 4: You have quirks.
00:09:21
Speaker 1: But you know what, Ro? I did the, oh, He-Man.
00:09:24
Speaker 2: I had He-Man playing the other day, the old commercial. And I also have the DVD set of every single He-Man cartoon that's ever been made.
00:09:31
Speaker 1: I have it. You know what, Ro?
00:09:32
Speaker 2: You know this about me. It's the cleaning thing, too. I don't eat for comfort when I'm struggling like some people might do. I'm looking for comforts.
00:09:41
Speaker 1: He-Man makes me comfortable. Die Hard makes me comfortable. Die Hard makes me comfortable. These are things, really, they do, baby.
00:09:47
Speaker 2: It's the same, maybe, as you would compare to somebody who is struggling or depressed or whatever, and they turn to food because it's their emotion. Those are the things. You see me sometimes put on Aladdin. When you see these things around the house.
00:09:58
Speaker 4: I know you're not doing well.
00:09:59
Speaker 1: DJ is struggling.
00:10:00
Speaker 4: When I saw He-Man, I was like, oh, wow.
00:10:02
Speaker 3: He is going back to his childhood binky at this point.
00:10:05
Speaker 4: He's not doing well. He needs to be comforted.
00:10:07
Speaker 1: Those things soothe me. I calm. I don't lash out. I'm not yelling and screaming and all this. I soothe. So yes, maybe they're red flags. No, they're beige flags.
00:10:17
Speaker 4: Yeah, and it's just one of those things. Everybody's got them. Everybody's got them. All right, what are my beige flags?
00:10:23
Speaker 3: I was going to say, is it wearing my red light mask? No.
00:10:27
Speaker 2: Well, I wouldn't... I don't know. I never put them in that kind of category. A beige flag, a weird thing, a quirky thing. Some of it's just cultural. Some of it's your background. I never... I mean, things you do. I don't know if there's some quirky thing. You play Candy Crush.
00:10:43
Speaker 3: Yeah.
00:10:43
Speaker 1: Okay, so... I like to play Super Mario Brothers. We have a game machine at the house. Like, I don't know. It's different. It's quirky. I never say, ooh, I better watch out because I don't like that.
00:10:57
Speaker 4: It's just a quirky, unusual behavior.
00:10:59
Speaker 2: But you said it means it needs to be put through some kind of, you have to give it some kind of scrutiny.
00:11:05
Speaker 3: It stands out and then you have to decide, wait, is this going to bother me enough where I'm going to judge this person by that behavior or stop a relationship.
00:11:13
Speaker 4: Because of that behavior?
00:11:14
Speaker 3: And so, yes, I do like the idea that this whole concept is being talked about and being described because it should be an opportunity for us to actually take a step back and say, yeah, we're all unique human beings who have quirks.
00:11:30
Speaker 4: And this is the big thing. I thought this was so interesting.
00:11:34
Speaker 3: Relationship experts say, Think about how you regard someone's quirkiness, someone's unusual behaviors, or someone who does something that you don't understand or that you've never seen before. It tells us less about the person we're observing and it tells us more about our reaction to them. And so this should be a signal to actually reflect about why you're feeling the way we're feeling. So when we come back, we're gonna tell you how you should treat, according to the experts, beige flags in your relationship and how you can turn those beige flags into into green flax. Welcome back everyone to another edition of our Relationship Saturday.
00:12:22
Speaker 4: These are fun.
00:12:22
Speaker 3: We like having these conversations because you learn something. And I think it's actually just fun to have these conversations with the person you're dating or Even just thinking about it, reflecting on some of these topics as you're looking for your person.
00:12:35
Speaker 1: I have a question.
00:12:37
Speaker 2: Can a beige flag is are we looking at these things because we actually have a problem with that person? We're questioning the relationship, not. necessarily some quirky behavior? Is that a part of this at all?
00:12:50
Speaker 3: So relationship experts are saying that because of the way we are dating now and the way we are in relationships, I think with social media, all sorts of these chat rooms and forums, Reddit, you can kind of crowdsource, what should I think about this? And no one's actually just doing some self-reflection and actually asking themselves, why does this stand out to me?
00:13:10
Speaker 4: Why is this bothering me?
00:13:11
Speaker 3: Or why is this And so they said, just remember, dating is not supposed to be or it's not supposed to feel like a background check. And it's become so focused on categorizing people.
00:13:24
Speaker 4: We label everyone. We vet people. And we start to.
00:13:27
Speaker 3: Treat every single quirk, or maybe you even could call it a human imperfection, as evidence that, oh, they're not compatible with me. And it's almost like we're looking for an excuse to get out of a relationship or to not even get into one because it's scary and we have to be vulnerable and we have to compromise and we have to expand our heads and our hearts. And that is uncomfortable sometimes. And so instead of being willing to do that, we just say, oh, See, that means we're not compatible because I would never do that. And that's so weird that he or she is doing that.
00:13:59
Speaker 4: So I'm out or I won't even start. And that is the caution here. It makes sense.
00:14:06
Speaker 3: So they say a better question instead of asking, like, why does he do that or why is she behaving like that? You should actually ask yourself. How does this person consistently make me feel?
00:14:17
Speaker 4: Do I feel safe? Do I feel seen? Do I feel valued?
00:14:20
Speaker 3: That tells you way more about that person than whether or not they have some weird collection of spoons in their house.
00:14:26
Speaker 4: Whatever it is that people do. People collect strange things.
00:14:30
Speaker 3: I've had a friend who was dating a guy who she was really kind of into. He brought her over to her apartment. I'll tell you who it is afterwards. And she saw he had, if this person's listening, they will know who they are. He had like a, and he was well off and had a great job, but a wild collection of like race, like hot, hot cars.
00:14:49
Speaker 4: What are they called? Hot wheels.
00:14:51
Speaker 3: And he had them like all over his apartment and like had them encased.
00:14:55
Speaker 4: And she was like, yeah, this is just too weird for me.
00:14:58
Speaker 1: I'm out.
00:14:59
Speaker 3: Wow.
00:15:00
Speaker 4: She thought it made, it made him seem juvenile.
00:15:02
Speaker 3: It made him seem, like a little boy, and she just was immediately turned off.
00:15:06
Speaker 1: Okay. Take the cars out of it. Did he act like a little boy?
00:15:10
Speaker 3: No. She didn't like that he was a weird collector of Hot Wheels. No, no, no.
00:15:14
Speaker 2: He was a normal guy who collected Hot Wheels. I look at that as, wow, he has a passion that even in his older years, he's still holding on to those ropes.
00:15:25
Speaker 1: I say that about you all the time.
00:15:26
Speaker 2: The best thing about you is you still act like a little kid at times and get excited about things. You will see joy. And adults like that, acting like kids, that's too bad.
00:15:38
Speaker 1: The Hot Wheels guy.
00:15:40
Speaker 4: I know. I don't know.
00:15:41
Speaker 3: But, I mean, maybe there were other things and that was just the final straw. But when she tells the story, it's funny. But, yes, people love... telling the story of why they couldn't date someone or why they got out of a relationship. But this is the headline. And this is how therapists say, you start to turn beige, first acknowledge they're beige flags.
00:16:00
Speaker 4: They're not affecting you.
00:16:02
Speaker 3: They don't mean this person's bad or undateable or incompatible with you.
00:16:07
Speaker 4: It's just different than you.
00:16:08
Speaker 3: And so real relationships, remember, are built not by finding someone who doesn't have strange habits. Every single person on the planet has a strange habit to someone else. It might not feel strange to you, but it's strange to everyone else. And beige flags are actually what make someone uniquely them. And so if you can start to look at this person, so I see the fact that you've got He-Man on or Die Hard on.
00:16:37
Speaker 4: And instead of going, that's so weird. Like, what is that?
00:16:40
Speaker 3: You could say, wow, that's so sweet that he's connected to this part of his youth that brings him a feeling of safety and comfort.
00:16:47
Speaker 4: And that's super sweet. Like I love that about him. That's unique to him.
00:16:52
Speaker 3: And it's part of the reason why I love him because it's a completer fuller version of him. And so if his vulnerabilities, I think that's actually, and if you can actually look at it from that vantage point, and I think you've said that about some of my quirks, like to, I hope I still keep thinking all the little things you do are cute because, but if that's how you can look at through that, like that is what makes that person unique.
00:17:17
Speaker 1: Yeah. It's, I mean, I guess robe, some people find out about these flags later.
00:17:23
Speaker 2: And is that the, no, you're talking about some people finding these early on while they're dating.
00:17:28
Speaker 3: And maybe when, maybe when you move in with someone, you see, wow, they do their squats while they're brushing their teeth.
00:17:33
Speaker 4: That's weird.
00:17:34
Speaker 3: But instead of saying that, they say some of those things that seem strange or maybe even mildly annoying at first, if you can actually view them through the lens of, yes, this is what makes them special, they say eventually those are the very things 20 years down the road that you actually might find most endearing about them.
00:17:52
Speaker 4: I love that.
00:17:53
Speaker 3: And sometimes so much of relationships and so much of the world is how we choose to see them. And we can change how we view things. We can decide things. to see them through a different lens instead of one of annoyance. Think about it like, wow, that's so cute or that's so sweet or that's so special and no one else in the world does that but them.
00:18:15
Speaker 2: It's hard to do when you're first meeting somebody, right? It just is. You could pull out any weird habit now and I'm like, oh, that's my girl. But when you get to know somebody over time and you care about that person over time and you know that person is going to be in your life, then when things start to show up, They're not deal breakers because you have a foundation that you've established that this is a good person and I care about them and we hit it off. But yeah, at the beginning, these are just excuses. You always say, babe, nobody wants to, you're always trying to protect yourself. You don't want to get hurt. So let me bail and use this as an excuse before that person finds out about my weird shit and dump me.
00:18:52
Speaker 4: Exactly.
00:18:53
Speaker 3: And look, I love this final line. One of the relationship experts said this, it's important to remember that You are never going to love every single thing about your partner, period.
00:19:04
Speaker 4: And just accept that and then lean into the quirks.
00:19:07
Speaker 1: What was the rule? It was the 80-20 rule or something for a little while.
00:19:10
Speaker 2: Like you can, they got 80% of what you love and 20% of what you hate.
00:19:14
Speaker 1: Congratulations. Marry that person.
00:19:17
Speaker 4: I love that.
00:19:18
Speaker 3: So let your beige flag fly, everyone. And with that, we always appreciate you listening to us. I'm Amy Robach alongside TJ Holmes.
00:19:26
Speaker 4: We'll talk soon.
Speaker 1: Hey there, folks.
00:00:12
Speaker 2: It is Saturday, September the 12th, and sure, we all know what red flags are in a relationship. Hell, we even learned recently what a green flag is. I don't know what a beige flag is. And with that, welcome to this Relationship Saturday episode of Amy and TJ, where we often all learn this together. Rose has brought something to me now, once again, I'm not familiar with, but there's a red flag, there's a green flag, and a beige.
00:00:41
Speaker 1: Yes.
00:00:42
Speaker 3: Now people are talking about beige flags, and they're wondering what they should do with them, but we should probably begin with describing what they are, right?
00:00:51
Speaker 1: I don't really have a hint. Red means stop, green means go. Beige. Beige flag in a relationship. I don't know.
00:00:59
Speaker 3: Okay, so they are described as the quirky, unusual, maybe even boring traits that you notice in someone.
00:01:08
Speaker 4: And you don't know if they're good or they're bad.
00:01:11
Speaker 3: And unlike red flags, which signal danger, like you pointed out, like abort, abort, or green flags, which tell you this is a good mate, go for it. These don't necessarily tell you they're a great partner, but they tell you that you should get curious and ask yourself what they make you feel. Can I give you some examples of what some beige flags might be?
00:01:35
Speaker 2: I definitely want, but it's not good or bad. You're supposed to determine if it's good or bad. I don't know if I understand it yet.
00:01:43
Speaker 3: So first of all, they were described as, this is just a moment where you need, everyone's hyper and overanalyzing everyone else. And look, I even hear this from Ava. We had a conversation. She's going on dates and she said, I think I'm just too picky. I do think this is part of the conversation where people start to a sign, value, worth, or some sort of action that needs to be taken based on everything someone else does. So we're overanalyzing each other. We're holding each other up to a standard that becomes almost impossible to actually settle in on a partner, feel comfortable with them, and embrace all their quirks.
00:02:23
Speaker 2: You make it sound to me like this is all in, not the person we're dating, but in our own mind.
00:02:29
Speaker 4: Correct.
00:02:30
Speaker 3: Correct.
00:02:30
Speaker 1: Oh, okay. Correct. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
00:02:34
Speaker 3: And so this is kind of a moment where we've got all the yellow flags, red flags, green flags, beige flags. And I think the point is we all need to calm down. That's part of this conversation. And the term is caught on because people are getting burned out from all the flag culture. That is where it is important to put this beige flag concept in the perspective of everybody is burned out from labeling everyone.
00:03:04
Speaker 4: Does that make sense?
00:03:05
Speaker 1: I was about to raise my hand about flag culture.
00:03:10
Speaker 3: Correct.
00:03:10
Speaker 1: This idea that we don't know how to date anymore.
00:03:13
Speaker 3: Exactly.
00:03:14
Speaker 2: We don't just know how to have basic human interaction. And we almost have a sheet here. We're supposed to check this person is this or that, or they showed up this way or that way.
00:03:22
Speaker 1: Wow. A flag culture. I never, that's, that's sad.
00:03:26
Speaker 3: Yes. And so the point of this is basically here's the headline. Stop turning every small habit you see in someone else into a referendum on your relationship or a referendum on even the possibility of a relationship. Okay.
00:03:45
Speaker 1: You said you had examples though. I need to hear this.
00:03:47
Speaker 3: Yes. Yes.
00:03:48
Speaker 4: Okay.
00:03:48
Speaker 3: So here are some beige flag examples that they give. And we could actually, I actually, it made me think of what hours are that we started to learn about each other when we got into a relationship.
00:03:58
Speaker 4: But some of them are, you just laughed.
00:04:01
Speaker 3: You know, when you said to me, by the way, when we first started dating, you said, wow, I hope all these quirky little things that you do remain cute to me.
00:04:11
Speaker 4: Because when they stop being cute, we might be in trouble.
00:04:14
Speaker 2: You said when we first started dating. I thought that's like a weekly saying I have for you.
00:04:19
Speaker 3: I just remember you saying that early on in our romantic relationship. Because it's one thing to see it in a friend. It's another thing to see it in a romantic partner.
00:04:28
Speaker 1: That is true. So, okay.
00:04:30
Speaker 3: Here are some of the beige flag examples that they give. Talking to yourself.
00:04:35
Speaker 4: Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
00:04:36
Speaker 1: If someone talked.
00:04:38
Speaker 3: Yep. Just constantly talks to themselves. People might be like, what the hell is that person doing? That would be one of my beige flags.
00:04:45
Speaker 2: That might be red for me because that suggests, well, all kinds of things.
00:04:49
Speaker 4: Well, you ask me all the time. Are you speaking to me or are you just talking to yourself?
00:04:54
Speaker 2: Talking to yourself is different from just talking like your thoughts out loud.
00:04:58
Speaker 4: Well, yeah, that's what we're talking about.
00:05:00
Speaker 1: Well, some people talk to themselves. It's different, baby.
00:05:03
Speaker 3: Well, and I would go so far as to say talking about yourself in third person. Now that's a full on red flag for me.
00:05:08
Speaker 1: Okay, I do that often. Like, TJ, you idiot. I do that. You hear me do that often. You do, but you.
00:05:14
Speaker 4: Don't use it in a narcissistic way. Like, TJ thinks that he's hungry.
00:05:19
Speaker 1: TJ's strong.
00:05:21
Speaker 3: Yes, we're not talking about that. All right, here's another one. Beige flag examples.
00:05:26
Speaker 4: Excuse me. Keeping 40 tabs open on their computer.
00:05:28
Speaker 1: Is that a beige flag?
00:05:31
Speaker 4: It's a quirk and it can bother people.
00:05:33
Speaker 3: Sometimes when people look, I've had people complain about the number of messages, unread messages that people will see in their partner's phone and how irritating that is to them.
00:05:42
Speaker 4: They have like 5,000 unread messages.
00:05:44
Speaker 3: Yes.
00:05:45
Speaker 4: So that's a beige flag.
00:05:47
Speaker 1: Okay.
00:05:47
Speaker 2: Well, you just named two, two out of the three.
00:05:50
Speaker 1: I got them.
00:05:52
Speaker 4: Eating the same breakfast every morning.
00:05:55
Speaker 1: I do that too. Actually, I do mix it up. Sorry.
00:05:58
Speaker 4: Sometimes you do. Um, Quoting movie lines during serious conversations.
00:06:03
Speaker 1: That's all day long.
00:06:05
Speaker 4: So in my notes, I wrote, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, TJ. Not during a serious conversation.
00:06:10
Speaker 3: Oh, no. Sometimes you will, and I kind of take offense.
00:06:12
Speaker 4: You're like, babe, that was actually from a movie.
00:06:14
Speaker 3: And then you will tell me who said it and what movie it was in so I don't get further upset.
00:06:19
Speaker 1: That's onlyâ oh, my goodness. Okay. Well, obviously, these are allâ I do every single one of these.
00:06:26
Speaker 3: Keeping a detailed spreadsheet ranking every restaurant they've visited. Okay. No.
00:06:32
Speaker 4: No, but you have it in your mind.
00:06:33
Speaker 1: I have what?
00:06:34
Speaker 4: A spreadsheet of the service, the food, whether or not we can go back.
00:06:40
Speaker 1: We go to five, please.
00:06:41
Speaker 4: That's true. That's true.
00:06:43
Speaker 3: Okay, here's one of my beige flags, because you'll laugh when I say this one. Telling the same five stories at every social gathering.
00:06:49
Speaker 1: Everybody does that. You know who's the worst at that?
00:06:52
Speaker 3: Chuck.
00:06:54
Speaker 1: You've heard them now. You haven't even known them that long. You've heard the same stories.
00:06:57
Speaker 4: Oh, my God. All right. Refusing to use GPS because they know a better way. Neither one of us do that.
00:07:04
Speaker 1: Okay, that's just a warning for every woman dating a man. Exactly.
00:07:10
Speaker 4: Whistling while they walk.
00:07:13
Speaker 1: Really?
00:07:13
Speaker 4: Yeah, that can be like, what? It seems strange.
00:07:17
Speaker 3: You whistle around the house with a vibrato, which I actually think is cute.
00:07:21
Speaker 2: But I often do that to Sue. to calm myself down, to get a tune going. But if I'm out walking and whistling, I made it in America. Who the hell has time to just take a walk and start whistling?
00:07:34
Speaker 1: Nobody.
00:07:35
Speaker 4: All right. Owning an unusual amount of clothing in the same color.
00:07:39
Speaker 1: Hmm. Hmm.
00:07:41
Speaker 3: And basically, it's defined solely as behaviors you notice and find weird. I will tell you some of the things I noticed about you when we first started dating that I would absolutely describe as beige flags. Because I had to say, wow, okay, this isn't something I'm used to.
00:07:56
Speaker 1: It's going to be Thanksgiving in here somewhere?
00:07:59
Speaker 3: Well.
00:07:59
Speaker 4: I was going to go with your Die Hard obsession.
00:08:01
Speaker 1: That's what I mean. Thanksgiving.
00:08:02
Speaker 3: Yes.
00:08:03
Speaker 4: I thought that was what you were referencing.
00:08:05
Speaker 1: Yes. I don't know why it was a big deal.
00:08:06
Speaker 4: That was a little strange to me.
00:08:08
Speaker 1: Ten months out of the year, I've never watched Die Hard.
00:08:10
Speaker 4: It remains strange to me.
00:08:12
Speaker 1: I do it.
00:08:13
Speaker 4: You want to tell the exact quirky habit you have?
00:08:15
Speaker 1: Oh, my goodness. Starting on Thanksgiving Day, Die Hard. Yes. Bruce Willis.
00:08:24
Speaker 3: 1988.
00:08:24
Speaker 1: That movie, which is obviously one of my favorites.
00:08:28
Speaker 2: Plays in the house where I am, no matter where I am, 24-7 through January 1.
00:08:34
Speaker 3: And we leave the house, and one of the TVs has to remain on with Die Hard on it. In fact, you have a DVD player, right? And it just is on a loop, and it just plays Die Hard. So even if we turn off other TVs, you'll know at least there's one TV dedicated to the Die Hard loop.
00:08:52
Speaker 4: Yes, that is a beige flag.
00:08:55
Speaker 3: Okay.
00:08:55
Speaker 2: It's a bit when you're looking for something but why is that a beige flag we all have.
00:08:59
Speaker 3: Our things um and then the tv on while you're sleeping that's it sometimes it feels like a red flag but it's a beige flag it's just you need that to soothe yourself and so i have learned to adapt.
00:09:09
Speaker 2: But you know the funny thing die hard i always thought you might mention the other thing uh i always have the ipad in the bathroom usually archers on right That's your other page.
00:09:18
Speaker 1: I have another. There's a couple things.
00:09:21
Speaker 4: You have quirks.
00:09:21
Speaker 1: But you know what, Ro? I did the, oh, He-Man.
00:09:24
Speaker 2: I had He-Man playing the other day, the old commercial. And I also have the DVD set of every single He-Man cartoon that's ever been made.
00:09:31
Speaker 1: I have it. You know what, Ro?
00:09:32
Speaker 2: You know this about me. It's the cleaning thing, too. I don't eat for comfort when I'm struggling like some people might do. I'm looking for comforts.
00:09:41
Speaker 1: He-Man makes me comfortable. Die Hard makes me comfortable. Die Hard makes me comfortable. These are things, really, they do, baby.
00:09:47
Speaker 2: It's the same, maybe, as you would compare to somebody who is struggling or depressed or whatever, and they turn to food because it's their emotion. Those are the things. You see me sometimes put on Aladdin. When you see these things around the house.
00:09:58
Speaker 4: I know you're not doing well.
00:09:59
Speaker 1: DJ is struggling.
00:10:00
Speaker 4: When I saw He-Man, I was like, oh, wow.
00:10:02
Speaker 3: He is going back to his childhood binky at this point.
00:10:05
Speaker 4: He's not doing well. He needs to be comforted.
00:10:07
Speaker 1: Those things soothe me. I calm. I don't lash out. I'm not yelling and screaming and all this. I soothe. So yes, maybe they're red flags. No, they're beige flags.
00:10:17
Speaker 4: Yeah, and it's just one of those things. Everybody's got them. Everybody's got them. All right, what are my beige flags?
00:10:23
Speaker 3: I was going to say, is it wearing my red light mask? No.
00:10:27
Speaker 2: Well, I wouldn't... I don't know. I never put them in that kind of category. A beige flag, a weird thing, a quirky thing. Some of it's just cultural. Some of it's your background. I never... I mean, things you do. I don't know if there's some quirky thing. You play Candy Crush.
00:10:43
Speaker 3: Yeah.
00:10:43
Speaker 1: Okay, so... I like to play Super Mario Brothers. We have a game machine at the house. Like, I don't know. It's different. It's quirky. I never say, ooh, I better watch out because I don't like that.
00:10:57
Speaker 4: It's just a quirky, unusual behavior.
00:10:59
Speaker 2: But you said it means it needs to be put through some kind of, you have to give it some kind of scrutiny.
00:11:05
Speaker 3: It stands out and then you have to decide, wait, is this going to bother me enough where I'm going to judge this person by that behavior or stop a relationship.
00:11:13
Speaker 4: Because of that behavior?
00:11:14
Speaker 3: And so, yes, I do like the idea that this whole concept is being talked about and being described because it should be an opportunity for us to actually take a step back and say, yeah, we're all unique human beings who have quirks.
00:11:30
Speaker 4: And this is the big thing. I thought this was so interesting.
00:11:34
Speaker 3: Relationship experts say, Think about how you regard someone's quirkiness, someone's unusual behaviors, or someone who does something that you don't understand or that you've never seen before. It tells us less about the person we're observing and it tells us more about our reaction to them. And so this should be a signal to actually reflect about why you're feeling the way we're feeling. So when we come back, we're gonna tell you how you should treat, according to the experts, beige flags in your relationship and how you can turn those beige flags into into green flax. Welcome back everyone to another edition of our Relationship Saturday.
00:12:22
Speaker 4: These are fun.
00:12:22
Speaker 3: We like having these conversations because you learn something. And I think it's actually just fun to have these conversations with the person you're dating or Even just thinking about it, reflecting on some of these topics as you're looking for your person.
00:12:35
Speaker 1: I have a question.
00:12:37
Speaker 2: Can a beige flag is are we looking at these things because we actually have a problem with that person? We're questioning the relationship, not. necessarily some quirky behavior? Is that a part of this at all?
00:12:50
Speaker 3: So relationship experts are saying that because of the way we are dating now and the way we are in relationships, I think with social media, all sorts of these chat rooms and forums, Reddit, you can kind of crowdsource, what should I think about this? And no one's actually just doing some self-reflection and actually asking themselves, why does this stand out to me?
00:13:10
Speaker 4: Why is this bothering me?
00:13:11
Speaker 3: Or why is this And so they said, just remember, dating is not supposed to be or it's not supposed to feel like a background check. And it's become so focused on categorizing people.
00:13:24
Speaker 4: We label everyone. We vet people. And we start to.
00:13:27
Speaker 3: Treat every single quirk, or maybe you even could call it a human imperfection, as evidence that, oh, they're not compatible with me. And it's almost like we're looking for an excuse to get out of a relationship or to not even get into one because it's scary and we have to be vulnerable and we have to compromise and we have to expand our heads and our hearts. And that is uncomfortable sometimes. And so instead of being willing to do that, we just say, oh, See, that means we're not compatible because I would never do that. And that's so weird that he or she is doing that.
00:13:59
Speaker 4: So I'm out or I won't even start. And that is the caution here. It makes sense.
00:14:06
Speaker 3: So they say a better question instead of asking, like, why does he do that or why is she behaving like that? You should actually ask yourself. How does this person consistently make me feel?
00:14:17
Speaker 4: Do I feel safe? Do I feel seen? Do I feel valued?
00:14:20
Speaker 3: That tells you way more about that person than whether or not they have some weird collection of spoons in their house.
00:14:26
Speaker 4: Whatever it is that people do. People collect strange things.
00:14:30
Speaker 3: I've had a friend who was dating a guy who she was really kind of into. He brought her over to her apartment. I'll tell you who it is afterwards. And she saw he had, if this person's listening, they will know who they are. He had like a, and he was well off and had a great job, but a wild collection of like race, like hot, hot cars.
00:14:49
Speaker 4: What are they called? Hot wheels.
00:14:51
Speaker 3: And he had them like all over his apartment and like had them encased.
00:14:55
Speaker 4: And she was like, yeah, this is just too weird for me.
00:14:58
Speaker 1: I'm out.
00:14:59
Speaker 3: Wow.
00:15:00
Speaker 4: She thought it made, it made him seem juvenile.
00:15:02
Speaker 3: It made him seem, like a little boy, and she just was immediately turned off.
00:15:06
Speaker 1: Okay. Take the cars out of it. Did he act like a little boy?
00:15:10
Speaker 3: No. She didn't like that he was a weird collector of Hot Wheels. No, no, no.
00:15:14
Speaker 2: He was a normal guy who collected Hot Wheels. I look at that as, wow, he has a passion that even in his older years, he's still holding on to those ropes.
00:15:25
Speaker 1: I say that about you all the time.
00:15:26
Speaker 2: The best thing about you is you still act like a little kid at times and get excited about things. You will see joy. And adults like that, acting like kids, that's too bad.
00:15:38
Speaker 1: The Hot Wheels guy.
00:15:40
Speaker 4: I know. I don't know.
00:15:41
Speaker 3: But, I mean, maybe there were other things and that was just the final straw. But when she tells the story, it's funny. But, yes, people love... telling the story of why they couldn't date someone or why they got out of a relationship. But this is the headline. And this is how therapists say, you start to turn beige, first acknowledge they're beige flags.
00:16:00
Speaker 4: They're not affecting you.
00:16:02
Speaker 3: They don't mean this person's bad or undateable or incompatible with you.
00:16:07
Speaker 4: It's just different than you.
00:16:08
Speaker 3: And so real relationships, remember, are built not by finding someone who doesn't have strange habits. Every single person on the planet has a strange habit to someone else. It might not feel strange to you, but it's strange to everyone else. And beige flags are actually what make someone uniquely them. And so if you can start to look at this person, so I see the fact that you've got He-Man on or Die Hard on.
00:16:37
Speaker 4: And instead of going, that's so weird. Like, what is that?
00:16:40
Speaker 3: You could say, wow, that's so sweet that he's connected to this part of his youth that brings him a feeling of safety and comfort.
00:16:47
Speaker 4: And that's super sweet. Like I love that about him. That's unique to him.
00:16:52
Speaker 3: And it's part of the reason why I love him because it's a completer fuller version of him. And so if his vulnerabilities, I think that's actually, and if you can actually look at it from that vantage point, and I think you've said that about some of my quirks, like to, I hope I still keep thinking all the little things you do are cute because, but if that's how you can look at through that, like that is what makes that person unique.
00:17:17
Speaker 1: Yeah. It's, I mean, I guess robe, some people find out about these flags later.
00:17:23
Speaker 2: And is that the, no, you're talking about some people finding these early on while they're dating.
00:17:28
Speaker 3: And maybe when, maybe when you move in with someone, you see, wow, they do their squats while they're brushing their teeth.
00:17:33
Speaker 4: That's weird.
00:17:34
Speaker 3: But instead of saying that, they say some of those things that seem strange or maybe even mildly annoying at first, if you can actually view them through the lens of, yes, this is what makes them special, they say eventually those are the very things 20 years down the road that you actually might find most endearing about them.
00:17:52
Speaker 4: I love that.
00:17:53
Speaker 3: And sometimes so much of relationships and so much of the world is how we choose to see them. And we can change how we view things. We can decide things. to see them through a different lens instead of one of annoyance. Think about it like, wow, that's so cute or that's so sweet or that's so special and no one else in the world does that but them.
00:18:15
Speaker 2: It's hard to do when you're first meeting somebody, right? It just is. You could pull out any weird habit now and I'm like, oh, that's my girl. But when you get to know somebody over time and you care about that person over time and you know that person is going to be in your life, then when things start to show up, They're not deal breakers because you have a foundation that you've established that this is a good person and I care about them and we hit it off. But yeah, at the beginning, these are just excuses. You always say, babe, nobody wants to, you're always trying to protect yourself. You don't want to get hurt. So let me bail and use this as an excuse before that person finds out about my weird shit and dump me.
00:18:52
Speaker 4: Exactly.
00:18:53
Speaker 3: And look, I love this final line. One of the relationship experts said this, it's important to remember that You are never going to love every single thing about your partner, period.
00:19:04
Speaker 4: And just accept that and then lean into the quirks.
00:19:07
Speaker 1: What was the rule? It was the 80-20 rule or something for a little while.
00:19:10
Speaker 2: Like you can, they got 80% of what you love and 20% of what you hate.
00:19:14
Speaker 1: Congratulations. Marry that person.
00:19:17
Speaker 4: I love that.
00:19:18
Speaker 3: So let your beige flag fly, everyone. And with that, we always appreciate you listening to us. I'm Amy Robach alongside TJ Holmes.
00:19:26
Speaker 4: We'll talk soon.