May 30, 2026
We Can Share a Bed, But Not a Travel Itinerary
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RSS Feed How would this go over in YOUR relationship: “Hey honey, I’d like to spend my vacation alone this year.” It’s a growing trend among couples in loving relationships, many saying it can actually make you a better partner. You end up missing each other when you’re away and appreciating one another when you come back! Experts do warn however, there is a fine line between healthy independence and avoidance and there are several questions you should ask yourself before deciding to travel solo.
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00:00:02
Speaker 1: It is Saturday, May thirtieth. We are getting into the summer vacation season. And what are you gonna say when your sweetheart sits you down? You start making vacation plans and your partner says, you know what, I'm gonna take a solo vacation this summer.
00:00:20
Speaker 2: Record scratch.
00:00:22
Speaker 1: What's your reaction gonna be? And with that, welcome to this episode of Amy and TJ. That would be your reaction to this growing trend. I sit you down and we talk about some of vacation plans and I say, hey, baby, I'm going to take a solo trip to Portugal.
00:00:39
Speaker 2: I immediately feel rejected. I'm not gonna lie. Is that what?
00:00:43
Speaker 1: Automatically?
00:00:43
Speaker 2: I immediately would feel rejected.
00:00:45
Speaker 1: So I would need to name a place that maybe you don't necessarily want to go. You'd feel better about that.
00:00:49
Speaker 2: I think if you said, hey, I'm going on a golfing trip with my buddies, I get that. Or if you said I want to take my mom somewhere, my father somewhere, or yeah, there's some meaningful moment you'd like to have with I get another person that when you bring your spouse or your fiance or your girlfriend with you changes things.
00:01:11
Speaker 1: Not what we're talking about fully understanding. Nope, Nope, nope, nope, nope. I am saying me as an individual, I would like to go take a full on vacation by myself. You know what, Rome sounds good. I think it's a little warm, But you know what, I would go explore that city on my own. You okay with that, baby.
00:01:33
Speaker 2: Look, I would have to be I mean, I think at the end of the day, it wouldn't It wouldn't be. Yes, I'm just being fully honest. It would initially make me feel rejected or that you needed to get away from me, or that you wanted to do something that And you just named places that we will at least Rome. We've traveled and had beautiful memories together, but you just describe romantic places romantic But that would feel concerning to me. Yes, it would need context and I would need to understand. And I'm not saying that I wouldn't that I would like I would never Obviously, we're individuals, and I think we've learned enough in different relationships. You have to let people be who they are. Controlling someone trying to change, someone trying to force something. It never works, and it speaks to maybe another underlying issue. I would just want to get curious and understand why, and that would be my reaction. How about you, So what would you say?
00:02:29
Speaker 1: I will give you my response, but I have to put this in there because it goes perfectly into and I didn't know you were going to do this, but it goes into something I was going to hit on later. A quote actually that's from this article that spawned this whole conversation for us. And the quote was this from a therapist about traveling solo. If you're in a relationship, it's not good or bad. It just amplifies whatever is already happening in your relationship. Yes, that makes sense. Okay, Now I will get my answer to you. I And again, we have to be clear what we're talking about. If you come to me and set my mom and I are going to go to the lake spend a three day weekend, that's different. If I say to you, even if I'm going with the boys to Vegas, that's not what we're talking about. We're not talking about that kind of stuff. A girl trip, a boy trip, connecting with a father son, fishing trip. No, no, no, Because we've done that.
00:03:17
Speaker 2: You've gone somewhere with Sabina. I've gone somewhere with my dog.
00:03:19
Speaker 1: That's happened. We are talking about people in committed relationships who are making a conscious decision to go take a full on vacation without their partner. And this came to us, Robes became to us. You brought this to my attention because of an article you read. You've been excited about this for the last couple of days. But the article New York Times give them credit. I love you, but I don't want to travel with you is the name of the article, and it gets into robes what is a growing trend? And even they put it as a booming business of people wanting to travel on their own who are in committed relationships. So on its surface, does that make sense.
00:03:59
Speaker 2: It doesn't to me, only because I will experience though my experience. Look, I will say in other relationships, wanting to travel solo was me going on business trips and I got a lot of it and I liked it. So I understand that. But I do think in at least I can only speak to my relationship with you, the two of us, we are best friends. When I experience something beautiful and some people might call this codependency, but I want to share it with you. You're my favorite person to do anything and everything with. And yes, while I'm capable of being on my own, I would never prefer it or ask for time apart from you to do it. And I'm not I'm not shading anyone or throwing shade on anyone who prefers that for me. It wouldn't be something I would want to do. I know time is limited. I know time off of work is also extremely limited, and when I do have downtime, I would prefer to be with you. If I didn't prefer to be with you, that's okay too, But maybe it's a different kind of relationship. Everyone has different relationships. I've had different relationships in and within marriages that I have with you.
00:05:06
Speaker 1: Okay, so this is not my jam, this wouldn't be my thing. I wouldn't travel so low, and I would have a very difficult time understanding even though we are together so much, downtime is limited, vacation time becomes even more limited. Even vacation time ends up being work time. So if we have if there is a moment to completely breathe and be free and enjoy one of the most beautiful places on earth. That's not something I'm ever going to think, Wow, I really want to go on my own, or even want to go without her to experience this. Now we'll get into some of the reasons and the logic, and maybe this will make a whole lot of sense to a lot of people. But one argument being made robes that you're actually helping your relationship by improving yourself as an individual, suggesting that you go out, you meet new people, you learn new thing things, you get rejuvenated, and maybe you even miss your partner a little bit, and then you come back in a better place, in a better position to be a better partner. Does that read?
00:06:12
Speaker 2: It? Absolutely does. But it's interesting because I have had the opposite experience. Again, I have gone through my travels with NBC and ABC to some of the most beautiful exotic I remember being in the Seychelles for three weeks in this gorgeous, gorgeous home and thinking when I came.
00:06:27
Speaker 1: Back, maybe you're working. That's a different thing. Fine, we're not talking about this.
00:06:30
Speaker 2: I had a lot of downtime and a lot of alone time.
00:06:32
Speaker 1: We're not talking about that. You did not choose to go take a solo vacation when you're looking at your partner. I understand that's what we're talking about.
00:06:40
Speaker 2: I'm not saying that. What I'm saying is I came back from that not missing my partner, and it actually woke me up. So my point is that would be when you go and you do these things, that's awesome. If you miss your partner and you're rejuvenated and you are working on yourself, I think that's beautiful. But I guess I would just worry that what if you realized you didn't it's your partner.
00:07:01
Speaker 1: See. But that's again, it's different there because you left already wanting a break from a partner. That is a different situation we're talking about. We're talking about a person who is in a relationship that is not failing or faltering some way. We're not suggesting that, OK, you're in a strong and a good relationship, satiated in your relationship, whatever words you want to use, you're fine. But you're choosing to take time away from this person when you have leisure time and it's very limited time. So when you do go out they suggest and you do this, you are feeling like you're dating again or missing somebody again, or you're picking up experiences even robes that you're excited to go tell your partner about. That.
00:07:43
Speaker 2: Is your partner going to be excited to hear about how much fun you had without that?
00:07:46
Speaker 1: Okay? Clearly I am not taking a solo vacation. Okay. So these are some of the questions, and you're starting to bring them up, But you ask that question first and foremost, robes why yes, why do you want to try without me? The answer to that, I'm not sure. There are some answers, but what what would you buy what works?
00:08:09
Speaker 2: If you told me? Look, I am having I want to find my own personal joy and I want to rediscover who I am and what I love on my own without a relationship. I just really need some time alone to work on myself. Yeah, how could you say no to that?
00:08:28
Speaker 1: Of course, that ain't what we're talking about. Actually, we're simply talking We're not talking about a journey of self discovery. Baby. We are talking about a normal, everyday relationship going along just fine. I voluntarily want to go spend time enjoying myself fishing, snorkeling, scuba diving, boating, beaching whatever.
00:08:48
Speaker 2: If it's an activity that I don't love and that.
00:08:50
Speaker 1: You do not, you keep giving me caveats that ain't there period. I just want to go enjoy a beach vacation. I just want to go.
00:09:02
Speaker 2: I would feel rejected seeing Lisbon on my ear. I would feel rejected. Would you feel rejected if I said, Hey, babe, i want to go to Paris all by myself. I'm going to spend a week and just enjoy the city with me, myself and I okay.
00:09:16
Speaker 1: I would start with questions, right, not gonna get upset initially, but for our relationship that would sound that would be alarm bellance, right.
00:09:26
Speaker 2: Exactly?
00:09:26
Speaker 1: The question how long have you been thinking about this? Why would you want to do this? Are there other people you're going to meet up with you when you're there? There's a safety concern. Are you going to be doing group things? Babe? We've always taken vacations together. Why now are you trying to do this? What is it you have been met? I would have question after question after question about why you want to do that because this flies in the face of our relationship. Correct obviously, Now for other relationships, maybe this is just the way they've ruled.
00:09:55
Speaker 2: And that's my point. I think depending on the relationship you're in, it could have a whole different set of meanings and a whole different level of understanding our relationship. This would make zero sense. Yeah, okay, yeah, I guess, and so I'm looking at it from that perspective. But having had other relationships, I can understand how that would have actually been not even a big deal. But you and I are so deeply connected on a friendship and romantic level. We're so and we've waited so long to be together, We're so excited to be with one another. I can't come up with a scenario where that makes a whole lot of sense for me. Because I love you. I would support you, but I would be worried.
00:10:39
Speaker 1: Okay, so let me Dad didn't ask directly. Have you ever done this? Have you ever taken a solo trip? I'm not talking about me and a couple girls go somewhere, You pack up with your passport and take off to take a leisure vacation all on your own.
00:10:55
Speaker 2: No, when I was not in a relationship, when I was ending one, I have spent a couple nights, have gone up to a cabin by myself for two nights.
00:11:02
Speaker 1: But that was it. Now you're not one to go, frankly, to go eat dinner by yourself, do have a drink by yourself, to go to a movie by yourself, do anything by yourself. To be honest, I like not you.
00:11:11
Speaker 2: You know what I like. I like doing certain things self care, shopping, I'm fine. But when it comes to enjoying an experience a meal, a movie, a sight seeing, I do prefer sharing it with someone. Absolutely, I'd rather be with someone than by myself.
00:11:28
Speaker 1: And this is something I don't we don't necessarily fully comprehend, and I guess we're not on the same page a lot of times with it. I am not wanting to be alone because of some journey of self discovery, I need to reflect or anything else. I just like to be left alone.
00:11:42
Speaker 2: Sometimes people annoy you.
00:11:43
Speaker 1: So yeah, I will sit and I want to have a meal. I will sit and eat dinner by myself, new problem, at a bar, at a whatever.
00:11:52
Speaker 2: And that makes me sad.
00:11:53
Speaker 1: Love it to do that or to hear that. I don't know.
00:11:56
Speaker 2: No, I think it's awesome that you love to do it. It makes me sad. I'll I'll probably start talking to the bartender, I'll probably start. Yeah. I just I like engaging with people. I do and know if i'm I believe believe me. I've been on plenty again work trips, roll I'll even have brought up I brought a book to a restaurant and I've sat at the bar and read a book and absolutely done that at the airport, and I'm fine, but I prefer to be with someone who I could have a good conversation.
00:12:23
Speaker 1: And look, people are different, and that's that's okay. Some people prefer and have no problems traveling alone. But Robes, one of this articles certainly quoted. It's one of the biggest things, and I think you might have said it in the first ninety seconds of this podcast, Rejection, Rejection, Rejection. You have to ask why is it you want to do this wonderful thing without me? I don't know. That's a tough one to answer. And look, if you and your partner have a certain type of relationship, maybe that could be fine. But Robes, how I name the cities Paris, London, Rome, Niece, Cape Town, Cosablanca. I mean, hell, you can even say New Orleans, Las Vegas, Los.
00:13:01
Speaker 2: Angeles, I'd want to be with you in all those cities.
00:13:04
Speaker 1: I mean keep naming them. Why would you want to go have this wonderful experience and not want me by your side. That's a tough one to answer.
00:13:12
Speaker 2: And I understand when you're not in a relationship that it's an awesome opportunity for you to go out and meet new people and experience new things and really grow your own sense and feeling of independence. I think that's awesome. But if you're in a committed, beautiful relationship, I don't understand why you wouldn't prefer to have that person with you.
00:13:31
Speaker 1: The other part of this robes, which can be difficult with the rejection part, is look, most couples, we are blessed. Somebody would say we're cursed, but we're blessed to spend as much time as we do together. I appreciate that we do have that rose most couples don't. Sometimes a lot of couples don't even live in the same house. A lot of couples right younger they are a year in two years in a.
00:13:52
Speaker 2: Lot of people don't share bedrooms, bathrooms at things.
00:13:55
Speaker 1: Yeah, even if they do. Robes, you go to work, I go to work. We're apart eight hours a day. I see you at night. We finally get time for a vacation this summer, and you're going to use seven of your days to go be by yourself again. People make the point that this is good to always harness your individuality, to always make sure you're separate, to always make sure you are your own person. I think that is fine, and okay, I don't necessarily subscribe to that mentality, and you know I don't. There are this is a partnership now, and there's some parts of that thing you do give up. And the idea now is if you lose any part of yourself, then now you're losing all of yourself and you shouldn't compromise in any way.
00:14:44
Speaker 2: It sounds like the younger generation.
00:14:46
Speaker 1: I am not of that thinking. But this is a growing trend, a newer trend, and it's happening. You brought to my attention. When you first brought to my attention, I'm like, that's silly. I don't want to do that story because I'm like, who does that? A lot of people I didn't know. But how about this line robes? They said in this article, there is a fine line between healthy independence and avoidance. So I know that this is where red flags start to come up. You do have to ask yourself. You have to ask your partner if this comes up, Robes, why really are you wanting to do this?
00:15:18
Speaker 2: That would be my first question.
00:15:20
Speaker 1: And I think that the way they put it with healthy independence avoidance, where is that fine line?
00:15:29
Speaker 2: It's a question most people avoid asking.
00:15:33
Speaker 1: So there are some things that you need to address in one very major thing that needs to be addressed if you are considering this. Obviously Robes and I are not. But if you are considering this, there is one thing in particular that some of you may have already been thinking of that could be an issue. If you're trying to vacation solo. Stay here, right, we continue here on Amy and TJ making our travel plans, will certainly be making them together.
00:16:12
Speaker 2: You were actually just doing that yesterday. We were trying to figure out where we're going. We kind of have it all worked out. But yes, never have I sat down and thought where would I like to go? Me myself and I and how do I bring this up to DJ?
00:16:26
Speaker 1: I don't you know what I got? Not even a trip. I'm just going out with the Boys on Sunday tomorrow, and even I was tiptoeing around. Now I'm like, oh shit, she's not gonna like this. Oh no, I'm saying, it's just so rare that we do things apart.
00:16:42
Speaker 2: That is true.
00:16:42
Speaker 1: It is like one hundred percent apart.
00:16:45
Speaker 2: I actually feel maybe it's just my own but I feel like maybe part of me thinks, am I being silently judged by friends and family who think, Wow, they are never apart?
00:16:55
Speaker 1: What is the judgment there? I think I judgment versus is an inability to relate right. People see you from a distance and they think they know what your relationship it is or should be, and if they see something that's out of whack with what they think a relationship should be, then they think it's bullshit or it's not right or it's wrong. Yes, folks, we are together, Dan near twenty four to seven, happy as hell. I wish it was twenty five to eight. That's ridiculous, but it is the truth. And when people see that, that doesn't make sense and they don't say, there's no way I could spend that much time with my partner. There's no way they're happy or enjoy So yes.
00:17:34
Speaker 2: It wouldn't have made sense to me. I will be honest, it would not have made sense to me. Ever, until my relationship with you, I have never been I've never felt that way before. So yes, I can understand from the outside looking in whether you see people who don't spend much time at all. And it works because people will happily and proudly say we have separate places. We have and that's the key to our success or the key to our success is that my partner travels fifty percent of the time, or we have separate bedrooms or whatever, and that's great for you and for us.
00:18:07
Speaker 1: It is okay.
00:18:08
Speaker 2: Basically living our lives together. Pretty much aside from bathroom time, we are together.
00:18:17
Speaker 1: That is really true. Even sometimes when you go you go get your nails done, the salala is right up the street. You swing by the last couple of times, Yeah, Sabina and I dip in there. Yeah, what's going on? Seven times we walk past the window and the ladies that work in there are waving us.
00:18:34
Speaker 2: Down like hey, come on and in and say hi, I know, I know, I know, I know.
00:18:39
Speaker 1: It's what we are and that's fine. I'm trying to it. There should be no judgment for somebody else's decision to do this, and there should be no judgment of what their relationship is because correct they decide to do this, this can work perfectly for We're blown away to hear people have homes on two different coasts and they're in loving marriages.
00:18:58
Speaker 2: Yeah, and that's great because look, some people, and I get it, some people, a lot of it is how you came up and what you've done to feel good and happy, and how you cope and how you handle stress. And a lot of people prefer to do it on their own and then come together and that I don't judge that either, because if it works for you, it's amazing. I find it fascinating. I've never ever gone to someone I was in a relationship with and said I'd like to travel on my own. I've just never done that, But I think it's cool if that's something you want to do and you have a relationship where that is a healthy exercise.
00:19:35
Speaker 1: I haven't done that, right, have I taken a I'm trying to think of the trips we've taken without each other, and obviously you and the girls. It's with vacation stuff. Sabine and I I'm trying to think Ozara even.
00:19:46
Speaker 2: Yeah, I had a couple of girls trips like with me. Well no, well, the only one I did was to go visit Ava and Berlin, and I had Nikki and Morgan with me and so we kind of turned it into it. But I was still going to visit my daughter.
00:19:59
Speaker 1: But if hell, even though going to see at least in Spain, I was on that trip as well. But even we've had individual like events and whatnot that the other person wasn't required to be at and we were still rolling together. Absolutely feature made in Atlanta the thing did to Miami. With all this stuff, we still are together.
00:20:19
Speaker 2: Because we support each other and we have the ability to because we work together.
00:20:23
Speaker 1: Okay, so here's the other thing, Ropes. This is the question they went to that you have to have to ask of yourself, really, if you are going to or you're considering traveling alone. Ropes, that's a pretty good one. What is it that traveling solo is going to bring me?
00:20:37
Speaker 2: Mm?
00:20:38
Speaker 1: Like, why do I why is it this important? And again, your partner might be perfectly fine, or at least tell you they're perfectly fine, but ah, what is it? What is it that this is going to bring me that it's so important for me to travel on my own even though I'm in a relationship.
00:20:54
Speaker 2: Is it okay in a relationship to say I just need a break from that person. I need some time away from that person. Is that a healthy way? I don't know if that's a healthy reaction.
00:21:04
Speaker 1: But do you need a passport to need time away? That's more just going to stay with the family for the parents for the weekend kind of a thing.
00:21:11
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I'm also thinking like, do you come back and tell your partner how much fun you had without them? That feels me, But if you're.
00:21:18
Speaker 1: In a good relationship, the partner should receive it and be excited and go, wow, tell me about your trip, right.
00:21:24
Speaker 2: I think that takes a very open hearted and super secure person to be able to handle that, because I'm just imagining you going I'm just gonna throw out you mentioned Portugal and you're showing me all these beautiful places you've been, and I would be like, I'm sorry, I'm a human being. That would bother me.
00:21:45
Speaker 1: I'm just being honest as a human being.
00:21:47
Speaker 2: Yeah, but I would suck it up, but it would bother me.
00:21:50
Speaker 1: It's one thing to be happy for your partner having a good time. If they're on a a work retreat, if they're on a work trip, they are doing a father son Yeah, that's easy, that's like, wow, they're having a good time and right, But when you were choosing to have to be on the Big Island in Hawaii by yourself, don't send me a freaking picture.
00:22:17
Speaker 2: Yeah. And the only time I could think of where I would say, hey, babe, I would like to do this on my own, would only because you said I don't want to go, And that would be hiking, and I would still bring a girlfriend. I wouldn't I would not hike alone, but that I would still ask you first.
00:22:31
Speaker 1: I would I still enjoy the flight. I don't have to hike.
00:22:35
Speaker 2: I could go do like an excursion on my own.
00:22:38
Speaker 1: Most of our fun happens between the uber ride to the airport, going through security. We enjoyed doing all this stuff. The process of traveling is an experience with you. I would never want to do that on my own. I don't want to talk to anybody. I don't want to meet new people my seat mate, Are you kidding me? Stop? I got somebody at home I could talk to and I'm traveling soul and I got to talk to this idiot, No, who wants to do that? And I'm obviously just kind of joking, but roll, this is a So what is it? Traveling solo is going to bring you? What robes?
00:23:17
Speaker 2: I guess the only thing I could think of if I went on my own, for me, it would be about a self improvement, maybe just showing or proving to myself that I can enjoy things without anyone else, that I can just enjoy things by myself. But it would be an exercise of self discovery. It wouldn't be just something I would want to do on my own. I would actually it would be a very deliberate decision, and I and I would struggle with it.
00:23:47
Speaker 1: I'm sitting over here trying to think of what places I could possibly want to go, and you would go, hh, that's cool. I don't want to go there because all the places I want to go, you would go, Hell, yeah, I want to go there. I mean I can't. I'm actually sitting here. I've been trying to think of one this entire time. Some trip I want to take, that's Miami, New Orleans. If I want to go to Atlanta. I want to go to Memphis. I want to go to Little Rock. If I want to go to Las Vegas, if I want to go to Phoenix, I want to go to La San Francisco. If I want to go Ropes to Cape Town, by all the places. I can't come up with something that's such an individualized experience or desire that you would go, okay, like yourself out. I can't think of one.
00:24:25
Speaker 2: Is there something no, I was actually trying to imagine, because I look, I think you and I both got into the business. We did journalism to see the world, to experience new things and new people and new So there's nothing that I would say I don't want to do that. I'm I think I'm someone who's always game to go anywhere. And so yes, that's why maybe it would feel a bit of a rejection because obviously I'm a yes, okay.
00:24:48
Speaker 1: Obviously yes, last thing here, and Roseman, maybe this was on some people's minds as we were having this conversation. But if there's is, or has been any question of trust relationship in fidelity, it's going to call us problems absolutely.
00:25:04
Speaker 2: And so the suggestion is from the experts who are trying to just kind of say, here's a safe and healthy way to travel on your own. Turn your location services on, let your other partner know where you are, and be available and understand that there are feelings of distrust that have that have real legs to them, that there's a reason why, and you have to be understanding and accommodate those feelings that are real.
00:25:30
Speaker 1: This was fascinating. I did not know this was a thing, and I think, would it be fair to say, rope this is more of a thing for women.
00:25:39
Speaker 2: Well, I think there are a lot of movies out there romanticizing it. You know, Eat, Pray, Love is probably the most obvious example, and that was a real story about a woman who was on a journey of self discovery, and I think it sounds really romantic. I actually even had one of them, you know, Nikki. She she was not in a relationship, and she was I was busy and we were trying partners a lot, and she's like, you know what, she said, you helped encourage me. She went to Copenhagen on her own and had a great time and she met new people and it was a good experience for her. But I think now that she's in a loving relationship. I don't. I can't imagine she would ever choose that.
00:26:14
Speaker 1: Yeah, what you just named de pray love? Yes, I'm going to put you on the spot on purpose on this one. Can you start reeling off movies and shows in which that was the premise essentially some woman taking some trip or being some solo in some exotic place. It's not exactly the same, but already for me Emily in Paris to show, y'all, isn't it kind.
00:26:33
Speaker 2: Of something along that? Yeah? I mean she went there for work, but then, yeah, started discovering herself in a new city on her own. She left her fiance back home in Chicago. Yes, it's this idea of women and self empowerment and finding who you are and being independent and not needing a man. Yes, that is a very common theme in almost all movies these days.
00:26:53
Speaker 1: You don't need a man until you're in the wrong neighborhood in the wrong country. That's just yeah, fair, But that's not me. We don't, no way in hell. We let our the girls travel by themselves in certain places.
00:27:05
Speaker 2: You hear me, Ava Abe was going to Istanbul and I was like, look, it's a lovely city. But I don't want you there alone, and I actually prefer if you have a guy with you. She didn't, but it was two girls and they figured out. Also, backpacking through South America makes me nervous as hell. To have two girls, I would feel better if a guy was with them. Yes, just from a physical safety standpoint one hundred percent.
00:27:26
Speaker 1: Whoever that guy is doesn't have to be their boyfriend because you can travel solo now and that's okay, all right, folks, this is a fun one on a Saturday. So as you're making your vacation plans, I guess maybe you can make that suggestion to your partner as well. Yes, we could take a group trip, but you know what, I really been wanting to go to Lisbon on my own and dip down the Casa Blanca.
00:27:48
Speaker 2: Maybe let's see how that goes.
00:27:52
Speaker 1: Good luck with your vacation plans, folks. My Damy rodbock up DJ Hall to talk to y'allsod tur
Speaker 1: It is Saturday, May thirtieth. We are getting into the summer vacation season. And what are you gonna say when your sweetheart sits you down? You start making vacation plans and your partner says, you know what, I'm gonna take a solo vacation this summer.
00:00:20
Speaker 2: Record scratch.
00:00:22
Speaker 1: What's your reaction gonna be? And with that, welcome to this episode of Amy and TJ. That would be your reaction to this growing trend. I sit you down and we talk about some of vacation plans and I say, hey, baby, I'm going to take a solo trip to Portugal.
00:00:39
Speaker 2: I immediately feel rejected. I'm not gonna lie. Is that what?
00:00:43
Speaker 1: Automatically?
00:00:43
Speaker 2: I immediately would feel rejected.
00:00:45
Speaker 1: So I would need to name a place that maybe you don't necessarily want to go. You'd feel better about that.
00:00:49
Speaker 2: I think if you said, hey, I'm going on a golfing trip with my buddies, I get that. Or if you said I want to take my mom somewhere, my father somewhere, or yeah, there's some meaningful moment you'd like to have with I get another person that when you bring your spouse or your fiance or your girlfriend with you changes things.
00:01:11
Speaker 1: Not what we're talking about fully understanding. Nope, Nope, nope, nope, nope. I am saying me as an individual, I would like to go take a full on vacation by myself. You know what, Rome sounds good. I think it's a little warm, But you know what, I would go explore that city on my own. You okay with that, baby.
00:01:33
Speaker 2: Look, I would have to be I mean, I think at the end of the day, it wouldn't It wouldn't be. Yes, I'm just being fully honest. It would initially make me feel rejected or that you needed to get away from me, or that you wanted to do something that And you just named places that we will at least Rome. We've traveled and had beautiful memories together, but you just describe romantic places romantic But that would feel concerning to me. Yes, it would need context and I would need to understand. And I'm not saying that I wouldn't that I would like I would never Obviously, we're individuals, and I think we've learned enough in different relationships. You have to let people be who they are. Controlling someone trying to change, someone trying to force something. It never works, and it speaks to maybe another underlying issue. I would just want to get curious and understand why, and that would be my reaction. How about you, So what would you say?
00:02:29
Speaker 1: I will give you my response, but I have to put this in there because it goes perfectly into and I didn't know you were going to do this, but it goes into something I was going to hit on later. A quote actually that's from this article that spawned this whole conversation for us. And the quote was this from a therapist about traveling solo. If you're in a relationship, it's not good or bad. It just amplifies whatever is already happening in your relationship. Yes, that makes sense. Okay, Now I will get my answer to you. I And again, we have to be clear what we're talking about. If you come to me and set my mom and I are going to go to the lake spend a three day weekend, that's different. If I say to you, even if I'm going with the boys to Vegas, that's not what we're talking about. We're not talking about that kind of stuff. A girl trip, a boy trip, connecting with a father son, fishing trip. No, no, no, Because we've done that.
00:03:17
Speaker 2: You've gone somewhere with Sabina. I've gone somewhere with my dog.
00:03:19
Speaker 1: That's happened. We are talking about people in committed relationships who are making a conscious decision to go take a full on vacation without their partner. And this came to us, Robes became to us. You brought this to my attention because of an article you read. You've been excited about this for the last couple of days. But the article New York Times give them credit. I love you, but I don't want to travel with you is the name of the article, and it gets into robes what is a growing trend? And even they put it as a booming business of people wanting to travel on their own who are in committed relationships. So on its surface, does that make sense.
00:03:59
Speaker 2: It doesn't to me, only because I will experience though my experience. Look, I will say in other relationships, wanting to travel solo was me going on business trips and I got a lot of it and I liked it. So I understand that. But I do think in at least I can only speak to my relationship with you, the two of us, we are best friends. When I experience something beautiful and some people might call this codependency, but I want to share it with you. You're my favorite person to do anything and everything with. And yes, while I'm capable of being on my own, I would never prefer it or ask for time apart from you to do it. And I'm not I'm not shading anyone or throwing shade on anyone who prefers that for me. It wouldn't be something I would want to do. I know time is limited. I know time off of work is also extremely limited, and when I do have downtime, I would prefer to be with you. If I didn't prefer to be with you, that's okay too, But maybe it's a different kind of relationship. Everyone has different relationships. I've had different relationships in and within marriages that I have with you.
00:05:06
Speaker 1: Okay, so this is not my jam, this wouldn't be my thing. I wouldn't travel so low, and I would have a very difficult time understanding even though we are together so much, downtime is limited, vacation time becomes even more limited. Even vacation time ends up being work time. So if we have if there is a moment to completely breathe and be free and enjoy one of the most beautiful places on earth. That's not something I'm ever going to think, Wow, I really want to go on my own, or even want to go without her to experience this. Now we'll get into some of the reasons and the logic, and maybe this will make a whole lot of sense to a lot of people. But one argument being made robes that you're actually helping your relationship by improving yourself as an individual, suggesting that you go out, you meet new people, you learn new thing things, you get rejuvenated, and maybe you even miss your partner a little bit, and then you come back in a better place, in a better position to be a better partner. Does that read?
00:06:12
Speaker 2: It? Absolutely does. But it's interesting because I have had the opposite experience. Again, I have gone through my travels with NBC and ABC to some of the most beautiful exotic I remember being in the Seychelles for three weeks in this gorgeous, gorgeous home and thinking when I came.
00:06:27
Speaker 1: Back, maybe you're working. That's a different thing. Fine, we're not talking about this.
00:06:30
Speaker 2: I had a lot of downtime and a lot of alone time.
00:06:32
Speaker 1: We're not talking about that. You did not choose to go take a solo vacation when you're looking at your partner. I understand that's what we're talking about.
00:06:40
Speaker 2: I'm not saying that. What I'm saying is I came back from that not missing my partner, and it actually woke me up. So my point is that would be when you go and you do these things, that's awesome. If you miss your partner and you're rejuvenated and you are working on yourself, I think that's beautiful. But I guess I would just worry that what if you realized you didn't it's your partner.
00:07:01
Speaker 1: See. But that's again, it's different there because you left already wanting a break from a partner. That is a different situation we're talking about. We're talking about a person who is in a relationship that is not failing or faltering some way. We're not suggesting that, OK, you're in a strong and a good relationship, satiated in your relationship, whatever words you want to use, you're fine. But you're choosing to take time away from this person when you have leisure time and it's very limited time. So when you do go out they suggest and you do this, you are feeling like you're dating again or missing somebody again, or you're picking up experiences even robes that you're excited to go tell your partner about. That.
00:07:43
Speaker 2: Is your partner going to be excited to hear about how much fun you had without that?
00:07:46
Speaker 1: Okay? Clearly I am not taking a solo vacation. Okay. So these are some of the questions, and you're starting to bring them up, But you ask that question first and foremost, robes why yes, why do you want to try without me? The answer to that, I'm not sure. There are some answers, but what what would you buy what works?
00:08:09
Speaker 2: If you told me? Look, I am having I want to find my own personal joy and I want to rediscover who I am and what I love on my own without a relationship. I just really need some time alone to work on myself. Yeah, how could you say no to that?
00:08:28
Speaker 1: Of course, that ain't what we're talking about. Actually, we're simply talking We're not talking about a journey of self discovery. Baby. We are talking about a normal, everyday relationship going along just fine. I voluntarily want to go spend time enjoying myself fishing, snorkeling, scuba diving, boating, beaching whatever.
00:08:48
Speaker 2: If it's an activity that I don't love and that.
00:08:50
Speaker 1: You do not, you keep giving me caveats that ain't there period. I just want to go enjoy a beach vacation. I just want to go.
00:09:02
Speaker 2: I would feel rejected seeing Lisbon on my ear. I would feel rejected. Would you feel rejected if I said, Hey, babe, i want to go to Paris all by myself. I'm going to spend a week and just enjoy the city with me, myself and I okay.
00:09:16
Speaker 1: I would start with questions, right, not gonna get upset initially, but for our relationship that would sound that would be alarm bellance, right.
00:09:26
Speaker 2: Exactly?
00:09:26
Speaker 1: The question how long have you been thinking about this? Why would you want to do this? Are there other people you're going to meet up with you when you're there? There's a safety concern. Are you going to be doing group things? Babe? We've always taken vacations together. Why now are you trying to do this? What is it you have been met? I would have question after question after question about why you want to do that because this flies in the face of our relationship. Correct obviously, Now for other relationships, maybe this is just the way they've ruled.
00:09:55
Speaker 2: And that's my point. I think depending on the relationship you're in, it could have a whole different set of meanings and a whole different level of understanding our relationship. This would make zero sense. Yeah, okay, yeah, I guess, and so I'm looking at it from that perspective. But having had other relationships, I can understand how that would have actually been not even a big deal. But you and I are so deeply connected on a friendship and romantic level. We're so and we've waited so long to be together, We're so excited to be with one another. I can't come up with a scenario where that makes a whole lot of sense for me. Because I love you. I would support you, but I would be worried.
00:10:39
Speaker 1: Okay, so let me Dad didn't ask directly. Have you ever done this? Have you ever taken a solo trip? I'm not talking about me and a couple girls go somewhere, You pack up with your passport and take off to take a leisure vacation all on your own.
00:10:55
Speaker 2: No, when I was not in a relationship, when I was ending one, I have spent a couple nights, have gone up to a cabin by myself for two nights.
00:11:02
Speaker 1: But that was it. Now you're not one to go, frankly, to go eat dinner by yourself, do have a drink by yourself, to go to a movie by yourself, do anything by yourself. To be honest, I like not you.
00:11:11
Speaker 2: You know what I like. I like doing certain things self care, shopping, I'm fine. But when it comes to enjoying an experience a meal, a movie, a sight seeing, I do prefer sharing it with someone. Absolutely, I'd rather be with someone than by myself.
00:11:28
Speaker 1: And this is something I don't we don't necessarily fully comprehend, and I guess we're not on the same page a lot of times with it. I am not wanting to be alone because of some journey of self discovery, I need to reflect or anything else. I just like to be left alone.
00:11:42
Speaker 2: Sometimes people annoy you.
00:11:43
Speaker 1: So yeah, I will sit and I want to have a meal. I will sit and eat dinner by myself, new problem, at a bar, at a whatever.
00:11:52
Speaker 2: And that makes me sad.
00:11:53
Speaker 1: Love it to do that or to hear that. I don't know.
00:11:56
Speaker 2: No, I think it's awesome that you love to do it. It makes me sad. I'll I'll probably start talking to the bartender, I'll probably start. Yeah. I just I like engaging with people. I do and know if i'm I believe believe me. I've been on plenty again work trips, roll I'll even have brought up I brought a book to a restaurant and I've sat at the bar and read a book and absolutely done that at the airport, and I'm fine, but I prefer to be with someone who I could have a good conversation.
00:12:23
Speaker 1: And look, people are different, and that's that's okay. Some people prefer and have no problems traveling alone. But Robes, one of this articles certainly quoted. It's one of the biggest things, and I think you might have said it in the first ninety seconds of this podcast, Rejection, Rejection, Rejection. You have to ask why is it you want to do this wonderful thing without me? I don't know. That's a tough one to answer. And look, if you and your partner have a certain type of relationship, maybe that could be fine. But Robes, how I name the cities Paris, London, Rome, Niece, Cape Town, Cosablanca. I mean, hell, you can even say New Orleans, Las Vegas, Los.
00:13:01
Speaker 2: Angeles, I'd want to be with you in all those cities.
00:13:04
Speaker 1: I mean keep naming them. Why would you want to go have this wonderful experience and not want me by your side. That's a tough one to answer.
00:13:12
Speaker 2: And I understand when you're not in a relationship that it's an awesome opportunity for you to go out and meet new people and experience new things and really grow your own sense and feeling of independence. I think that's awesome. But if you're in a committed, beautiful relationship, I don't understand why you wouldn't prefer to have that person with you.
00:13:31
Speaker 1: The other part of this robes, which can be difficult with the rejection part, is look, most couples, we are blessed. Somebody would say we're cursed, but we're blessed to spend as much time as we do together. I appreciate that we do have that rose most couples don't. Sometimes a lot of couples don't even live in the same house. A lot of couples right younger they are a year in two years in a.
00:13:52
Speaker 2: Lot of people don't share bedrooms, bathrooms at things.
00:13:55
Speaker 1: Yeah, even if they do. Robes, you go to work, I go to work. We're apart eight hours a day. I see you at night. We finally get time for a vacation this summer, and you're going to use seven of your days to go be by yourself again. People make the point that this is good to always harness your individuality, to always make sure you're separate, to always make sure you are your own person. I think that is fine, and okay, I don't necessarily subscribe to that mentality, and you know I don't. There are this is a partnership now, and there's some parts of that thing you do give up. And the idea now is if you lose any part of yourself, then now you're losing all of yourself and you shouldn't compromise in any way.
00:14:44
Speaker 2: It sounds like the younger generation.
00:14:46
Speaker 1: I am not of that thinking. But this is a growing trend, a newer trend, and it's happening. You brought to my attention. When you first brought to my attention, I'm like, that's silly. I don't want to do that story because I'm like, who does that? A lot of people I didn't know. But how about this line robes? They said in this article, there is a fine line between healthy independence and avoidance. So I know that this is where red flags start to come up. You do have to ask yourself. You have to ask your partner if this comes up, Robes, why really are you wanting to do this?
00:15:18
Speaker 2: That would be my first question.
00:15:20
Speaker 1: And I think that the way they put it with healthy independence avoidance, where is that fine line?
00:15:29
Speaker 2: It's a question most people avoid asking.
00:15:33
Speaker 1: So there are some things that you need to address in one very major thing that needs to be addressed if you are considering this. Obviously Robes and I are not. But if you are considering this, there is one thing in particular that some of you may have already been thinking of that could be an issue. If you're trying to vacation solo. Stay here, right, we continue here on Amy and TJ making our travel plans, will certainly be making them together.
00:16:12
Speaker 2: You were actually just doing that yesterday. We were trying to figure out where we're going. We kind of have it all worked out. But yes, never have I sat down and thought where would I like to go? Me myself and I and how do I bring this up to DJ?
00:16:26
Speaker 1: I don't you know what I got? Not even a trip. I'm just going out with the Boys on Sunday tomorrow, and even I was tiptoeing around. Now I'm like, oh shit, she's not gonna like this. Oh no, I'm saying, it's just so rare that we do things apart.
00:16:42
Speaker 2: That is true.
00:16:42
Speaker 1: It is like one hundred percent apart.
00:16:45
Speaker 2: I actually feel maybe it's just my own but I feel like maybe part of me thinks, am I being silently judged by friends and family who think, Wow, they are never apart?
00:16:55
Speaker 1: What is the judgment there? I think I judgment versus is an inability to relate right. People see you from a distance and they think they know what your relationship it is or should be, and if they see something that's out of whack with what they think a relationship should be, then they think it's bullshit or it's not right or it's wrong. Yes, folks, we are together, Dan near twenty four to seven, happy as hell. I wish it was twenty five to eight. That's ridiculous, but it is the truth. And when people see that, that doesn't make sense and they don't say, there's no way I could spend that much time with my partner. There's no way they're happy or enjoy So yes.
00:17:34
Speaker 2: It wouldn't have made sense to me. I will be honest, it would not have made sense to me. Ever, until my relationship with you, I have never been I've never felt that way before. So yes, I can understand from the outside looking in whether you see people who don't spend much time at all. And it works because people will happily and proudly say we have separate places. We have and that's the key to our success or the key to our success is that my partner travels fifty percent of the time, or we have separate bedrooms or whatever, and that's great for you and for us.
00:18:07
Speaker 1: It is okay.
00:18:08
Speaker 2: Basically living our lives together. Pretty much aside from bathroom time, we are together.
00:18:17
Speaker 1: That is really true. Even sometimes when you go you go get your nails done, the salala is right up the street. You swing by the last couple of times, Yeah, Sabina and I dip in there. Yeah, what's going on? Seven times we walk past the window and the ladies that work in there are waving us.
00:18:34
Speaker 2: Down like hey, come on and in and say hi, I know, I know, I know, I know.
00:18:39
Speaker 1: It's what we are and that's fine. I'm trying to it. There should be no judgment for somebody else's decision to do this, and there should be no judgment of what their relationship is because correct they decide to do this, this can work perfectly for We're blown away to hear people have homes on two different coasts and they're in loving marriages.
00:18:58
Speaker 2: Yeah, and that's great because look, some people, and I get it, some people, a lot of it is how you came up and what you've done to feel good and happy, and how you cope and how you handle stress. And a lot of people prefer to do it on their own and then come together and that I don't judge that either, because if it works for you, it's amazing. I find it fascinating. I've never ever gone to someone I was in a relationship with and said I'd like to travel on my own. I've just never done that, But I think it's cool if that's something you want to do and you have a relationship where that is a healthy exercise.
00:19:35
Speaker 1: I haven't done that, right, have I taken a I'm trying to think of the trips we've taken without each other, and obviously you and the girls. It's with vacation stuff. Sabine and I I'm trying to think Ozara even.
00:19:46
Speaker 2: Yeah, I had a couple of girls trips like with me. Well no, well, the only one I did was to go visit Ava and Berlin, and I had Nikki and Morgan with me and so we kind of turned it into it. But I was still going to visit my daughter.
00:19:59
Speaker 1: But if hell, even though going to see at least in Spain, I was on that trip as well. But even we've had individual like events and whatnot that the other person wasn't required to be at and we were still rolling together. Absolutely feature made in Atlanta the thing did to Miami. With all this stuff, we still are together.
00:20:19
Speaker 2: Because we support each other and we have the ability to because we work together.
00:20:23
Speaker 1: Okay, so here's the other thing, Ropes. This is the question they went to that you have to have to ask of yourself, really, if you are going to or you're considering traveling alone. Ropes, that's a pretty good one. What is it that traveling solo is going to bring me?
00:20:37
Speaker 2: Mm?
00:20:38
Speaker 1: Like, why do I why is it this important? And again, your partner might be perfectly fine, or at least tell you they're perfectly fine, but ah, what is it? What is it that this is going to bring me that it's so important for me to travel on my own even though I'm in a relationship.
00:20:54
Speaker 2: Is it okay in a relationship to say I just need a break from that person. I need some time away from that person. Is that a healthy way? I don't know if that's a healthy reaction.
00:21:04
Speaker 1: But do you need a passport to need time away? That's more just going to stay with the family for the parents for the weekend kind of a thing.
00:21:11
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I'm also thinking like, do you come back and tell your partner how much fun you had without them? That feels me, But if you're.
00:21:18
Speaker 1: In a good relationship, the partner should receive it and be excited and go, wow, tell me about your trip, right.
00:21:24
Speaker 2: I think that takes a very open hearted and super secure person to be able to handle that, because I'm just imagining you going I'm just gonna throw out you mentioned Portugal and you're showing me all these beautiful places you've been, and I would be like, I'm sorry, I'm a human being. That would bother me.
00:21:45
Speaker 1: I'm just being honest as a human being.
00:21:47
Speaker 2: Yeah, but I would suck it up, but it would bother me.
00:21:50
Speaker 1: It's one thing to be happy for your partner having a good time. If they're on a a work retreat, if they're on a work trip, they are doing a father son Yeah, that's easy, that's like, wow, they're having a good time and right, But when you were choosing to have to be on the Big Island in Hawaii by yourself, don't send me a freaking picture.
00:22:17
Speaker 2: Yeah. And the only time I could think of where I would say, hey, babe, I would like to do this on my own, would only because you said I don't want to go, And that would be hiking, and I would still bring a girlfriend. I wouldn't I would not hike alone, but that I would still ask you first.
00:22:31
Speaker 1: I would I still enjoy the flight. I don't have to hike.
00:22:35
Speaker 2: I could go do like an excursion on my own.
00:22:38
Speaker 1: Most of our fun happens between the uber ride to the airport, going through security. We enjoyed doing all this stuff. The process of traveling is an experience with you. I would never want to do that on my own. I don't want to talk to anybody. I don't want to meet new people my seat mate, Are you kidding me? Stop? I got somebody at home I could talk to and I'm traveling soul and I got to talk to this idiot, No, who wants to do that? And I'm obviously just kind of joking, but roll, this is a So what is it? Traveling solo is going to bring you? What robes?
00:23:17
Speaker 2: I guess the only thing I could think of if I went on my own, for me, it would be about a self improvement, maybe just showing or proving to myself that I can enjoy things without anyone else, that I can just enjoy things by myself. But it would be an exercise of self discovery. It wouldn't be just something I would want to do on my own. I would actually it would be a very deliberate decision, and I and I would struggle with it.
00:23:47
Speaker 1: I'm sitting over here trying to think of what places I could possibly want to go, and you would go, hh, that's cool. I don't want to go there because all the places I want to go, you would go, Hell, yeah, I want to go there. I mean I can't. I'm actually sitting here. I've been trying to think of one this entire time. Some trip I want to take, that's Miami, New Orleans. If I want to go to Atlanta. I want to go to Memphis. I want to go to Little Rock. If I want to go to Las Vegas, if I want to go to Phoenix, I want to go to La San Francisco. If I want to go Ropes to Cape Town, by all the places. I can't come up with something that's such an individualized experience or desire that you would go, okay, like yourself out. I can't think of one.
00:24:25
Speaker 2: Is there something no, I was actually trying to imagine, because I look, I think you and I both got into the business. We did journalism to see the world, to experience new things and new people and new So there's nothing that I would say I don't want to do that. I'm I think I'm someone who's always game to go anywhere. And so yes, that's why maybe it would feel a bit of a rejection because obviously I'm a yes, okay.
00:24:48
Speaker 1: Obviously yes, last thing here, and Roseman, maybe this was on some people's minds as we were having this conversation. But if there's is, or has been any question of trust relationship in fidelity, it's going to call us problems absolutely.
00:25:04
Speaker 2: And so the suggestion is from the experts who are trying to just kind of say, here's a safe and healthy way to travel on your own. Turn your location services on, let your other partner know where you are, and be available and understand that there are feelings of distrust that have that have real legs to them, that there's a reason why, and you have to be understanding and accommodate those feelings that are real.
00:25:30
Speaker 1: This was fascinating. I did not know this was a thing, and I think, would it be fair to say, rope this is more of a thing for women.
00:25:39
Speaker 2: Well, I think there are a lot of movies out there romanticizing it. You know, Eat, Pray, Love is probably the most obvious example, and that was a real story about a woman who was on a journey of self discovery, and I think it sounds really romantic. I actually even had one of them, you know, Nikki. She she was not in a relationship, and she was I was busy and we were trying partners a lot, and she's like, you know what, she said, you helped encourage me. She went to Copenhagen on her own and had a great time and she met new people and it was a good experience for her. But I think now that she's in a loving relationship. I don't. I can't imagine she would ever choose that.
00:26:14
Speaker 1: Yeah, what you just named de pray love? Yes, I'm going to put you on the spot on purpose on this one. Can you start reeling off movies and shows in which that was the premise essentially some woman taking some trip or being some solo in some exotic place. It's not exactly the same, but already for me Emily in Paris to show, y'all, isn't it kind.
00:26:33
Speaker 2: Of something along that? Yeah? I mean she went there for work, but then, yeah, started discovering herself in a new city on her own. She left her fiance back home in Chicago. Yes, it's this idea of women and self empowerment and finding who you are and being independent and not needing a man. Yes, that is a very common theme in almost all movies these days.
00:26:53
Speaker 1: You don't need a man until you're in the wrong neighborhood in the wrong country. That's just yeah, fair, But that's not me. We don't, no way in hell. We let our the girls travel by themselves in certain places.
00:27:05
Speaker 2: You hear me, Ava Abe was going to Istanbul and I was like, look, it's a lovely city. But I don't want you there alone, and I actually prefer if you have a guy with you. She didn't, but it was two girls and they figured out. Also, backpacking through South America makes me nervous as hell. To have two girls, I would feel better if a guy was with them. Yes, just from a physical safety standpoint one hundred percent.
00:27:26
Speaker 1: Whoever that guy is doesn't have to be their boyfriend because you can travel solo now and that's okay, all right, folks, this is a fun one on a Saturday. So as you're making your vacation plans, I guess maybe you can make that suggestion to your partner as well. Yes, we could take a group trip, but you know what, I really been wanting to go to Lisbon on my own and dip down the Casa Blanca.
00:27:48
Speaker 2: Maybe let's see how that goes.
00:27:52
Speaker 1: Good luck with your vacation plans, folks. My Damy rodbock up DJ Hall to talk to y'allsod tur