July 18, 2026
The Worst Passive Aggressive Phrases We All Use… And What To Say Instead
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RSS Feed We are all guilty of using passive aggressive phrases and behaviors, and we’ve all experienced them too. We break down why we are passive aggressive and name some of the worst phrases out there. The best part of the episode, we give you the alternative phrase to say and we are willing to bet, if you can make the switch to directly communicate your feelings, it will improve every relationship in your life.
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00:00:02
Speaker 1: Hey there, everybody welcome. It is Saturday, July eighteenth, and we are talking about something that we all do, some of us more than other, and that is take that passive aggressive approach to relationships. And we have six of the most passive aggressive phrases that I would argue probably each of us have uttered and some of us have said daily. And so we're going to go over some of these phrases that I laughed out loud because I had to take full accountability of absolutely being guilty of saying them and offer an alternative way to say what you really mean. And with that, everyone, welcome to this episode of Amy and TJ. Would you say that you have been can be passive aggressive? No, you don't think you are not at all? All right, it'll be interesting.
00:00:58
Speaker 2: I'm actually I would say that because you actually get onto me for being too direct, too clear, and I don't dance around stuff and need to get a point across. That is true, but there is something.
00:01:09
Speaker 1: There are things that people do that are passive aggressive that aren't necessarily freezing. So the point being is, at least according to the experts, everybody has a version of it, and yes, some people are way worse than others, and I will take full accountability. I am among that group and I am working on it. But what does passive aggressive mean? I thought this is a really because look, we use that word, and we'd say that people are we throw all sorts of labels around, But here is what it actually means. It's when you express negative emotions like anger or hostility in an indirect manner, particularly in a way that is easily deniable or not directly linked to you. And so it's classified as a defense mechanism. And this makes a lot of sense because basically, what you're doing when you're being passive aggressive is you're defending yourself from potential pain of expressing your anger directly and then reaping the response from the person who you are putting it towards. You're trying to avoid accountability, You're trying to avoid getting anger being directed back at you for expressing something that you're uncomfortable with.
00:02:19
Speaker 2: Man, it's a lot heavier and complicated than I thought, but all that makes sense.
00:02:23
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, okay, So and look they say this tends to be this happens to people who are either avoidant or conflict averse. So maybe you've grown up and you've tried to avoid conflict, and so this is how you try to avoid conflict, but oftentimes you create more conflict by trying to avoid conflict, or it happens in a lot of people who lack self esteem, and it could be a combination of all of the three. But they say passive aggressiveness can show up in many forms, and this is what I thought was interesting. Yes, and the way you say things, how you phrase things, giving people the silent treatment, that is absolutely passive aggressive because you are not directly addressing the issue. Pouting is passive aggressive. And procrastinating on a task that you agreed to do that's also passive aggressive because you're finding a way to get back at someone without actually saying it.
00:03:14
Speaker 2: That didn't own that sounded eventful, that sounded that's no way to be to get people back. Listen to this example they gave.
00:03:21
Speaker 1: I wasn't even gonna include it, but I read it and I laughed out loud, and I thought, that's just mean. That's not passive aggressive. They suggested an example of that was you agreed to pick someone up at the train station and then you just forget what.
00:03:36
Speaker 2: That's terrible, Dammit, you know what you just gave me what last season Huda's last date with the Big Black Eye, and you wouldn't carry across the water? Absolutely, absolutely, they refused to be a gentleman to her anymore because they just broke up. That was an amazing scene, by the way, you could forget that the woman that came out and saying at the end it was so uncomfortable. We got to go back and why they.
00:04:00
Speaker 1: Created this whole romantic setting where they thought they were either gonna you know, fall deeper in love. Instead they broke up and then he refused to carry her over the water.
00:04:09
Speaker 2: So what that was? That was a bad moment, But again passive aggressive. We don't know how to react when we're hurt.
00:04:15
Speaker 1: There you go, all right, so these phrases, babe, you were gonna laugh out loud? And then so they this isn't in any order. This is just number one.
00:04:25
Speaker 2: Can I ask something? But do they have any statistics or any breakdown of is this stuff? Men and women both do this?
00:04:32
Speaker 1: The article said everybody does it, you can, and some people do it more than others. But I didn't see that in this article. But that would be an interesting question. Yeah, I don't know what that would be. That's interesting. Okay, first phrase, good for you.
00:04:50
Speaker 2: Yeah, man, that's that's that's I've heard you say that several times. Good for you. It is one of the nastiest things I hate, because you're you're expressing that you're not happy for somebody who actually had something positive happened to them. Is how it's that's not.
00:05:07
Speaker 1: One that I know, one that I've said that, one I did not know was in my vernacular. Oh yeah, good for you. This can be envy or resentment lurking below the surface, and it's truly a statement about unfairness. So you just need to express that it's unfair, and they say instead, try to if someone needs to be congratulated, sincerely congratulating the other person. But then you can also acknowledge that you feel it's unfair, or you could say can you help me strategize ways to get where you are, or to just acknowledge that you feel pain that if there is something that needs to be addressed and you need to get out the feeling, you have to be direct about it. You can't say good for you.
00:05:46
Speaker 2: Okay. See this, I took this totally differently because usually when it comes out. It's not a matter of anybody having a confrontation. There is no problem, there is no issue. It's just someone is jealous. Someone is jealous of something that the other person good for you, Like you're you're so upset to see them celebrating in the moment, you're so upset to see that success, and then you just kind of good for you. I see it presented in that manner to where, uh, there is no the two of us don't have beef, but you can't be happy for me, so good for you.
00:06:19
Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't remember feeling that towards you. That's so interesting. Another one. I'm sorry you feel that way. Obviously, this is terrible you're saying. I stand by what I said, and I'm sorry you're having this reaction to it.
00:06:32
Speaker 2: But it's your problem. That should never that phrase should never be uttered.
00:06:36
Speaker 1: And people use it all Yeah time.
00:06:38
Speaker 2: That should go up in like the level of some things that just that should never come out of a person's mouth. There's no good that can come. Yes, get rid of that, folks y, don't ever ever ever say that again. I will absolutely say that.
00:06:50
Speaker 1: I have said that before, and the moment I say it, I think, at least as of late, I rescind it because I realize, holy hell, that is awful. I stand by what I said, and I'm sorry you're having a reaction to it. That is what I'm sorry you feel that way means. And I think a lot of times that's very like intentional, like you know what you're saying when you say that.
00:07:08
Speaker 2: Don't we see that in a lot of apologies, like public apologies, they've take taking responsibility. Yeah, I'm sorry what I said made you feel that way kind of a thing, But I still stand by what I said. I'm sorry that you were upset by my words.
00:07:20
Speaker 1: Yes, so they say instead I love that in this article they give you what you can say instead, instead take accountability. Say I'm sorry I hurt you. Or you say I apologize that what I said caused you pain.
00:07:36
Speaker 2: That's a better way to say it. But not being sorry for what you said that was a two different things.
00:07:40
Speaker 1: Well, maybe you aren't sorry for what you said, and that can still be true. You don't have to be passive aggressive about it. You can say I'm sorry I hurt you, I'm sorry my words hurt you.
00:07:49
Speaker 2: When you said I this is not a good dress for you. I'm sorry you didn't take that well.
00:07:57
Speaker 1: I'm sorry my words hurt you. Then just don't add but.
00:08:01
Speaker 2: Still a bad dress. But I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that.
00:08:05
Speaker 1: I mean, what do you do if you're honestly saying something to someone though? I mean, I don't think you can lie. You can just say I'm sorry I hurt you, babe.
00:08:13
Speaker 2: See, this goes into a different lane. I think passive aggressive comes with some malintent. I think passive aggressive is something when when there is some conflict between those two individuals. I think you can say things wrong and not be passive. You know what I'm saying. Yeah, I find it.
00:08:33
Speaker 1: I went back to go look at what they actually This is what an expert said. It's classified as a defense mechanism because you're defending yourself from potential pain of expressing your anger.
00:08:45
Speaker 2: So you so it, Okay, Yes, that's a good way to Maybe you.
00:08:50
Speaker 1: Don't demonize the other person for doing it. You can actually have pity for them because they don't have the confidence or the self awareness to be able to be direct with how they're feeling. And so if that's maybe a way to look at someone through that lens. It might help the person who's being offended that it's actually a defense mechanism by the other person. Here's another one. It's fine. You do say that it's fine.
00:09:19
Speaker 2: Daily, several times a day, maybe in different variations. Oh good, yes, exact same thing.
00:09:27
Speaker 1: Okay, So here's what they say that really means what you're really saying. You're testing the other person. You're hoping that the other person will take action to address the fact that you're not actually fine. But you're not asking for support or attention.
00:09:42
Speaker 2: I didn't get that last part.
00:09:42
Speaker 1: But you're refusing to ask for the support or attention, and you're hoping that the other person will just take action to address the fact that you're not actually fine.
00:09:51
Speaker 2: Well, you lost me in the last part. But yes the first part, Yes, I do this, and you see me do this. When I say it's fine, I am am off to the races in handling whatever the thing is that needed to get me.
00:10:04
Speaker 1: But you're shutting me out of it, and I feel responsible for it, and I remember feeling like you feel a little helpless. But what Yeah, yes, they say the what the what you should say instead is lol, you should tell the other person how you're actually feeling.
00:10:20
Speaker 2: Yeah, tell about you're actually feeling. Okay, I get what they're saying. I can agree with I'm I'm making it too personal and that's why I'm taking issue with it. But no, no, that makes sense. That makes okay.
00:10:30
Speaker 1: Here's here's the fourth one. This Honestly, I hate this word so much. And if I ever say this to you, babe, tell me you said this was your your least favorite word.
00:10:42
Speaker 2: You don't think you say it, I absolutely might have to.
00:10:44
Speaker 1: I will not say that I didn't, but I when I when I see this word, it actually makes my chest tightened. Whatever that is an awful word. No one should ever say that, So I like this. They say it usually comes up after you've tried to explain your viewpoint a few times, maybe even to no avail, and then you just resign, resign yourself to not being understood, and you say whatever, yeah.
00:11:12
Speaker 2: And the way you just said it, whatever is never said without that inflection. You just have the end, right, you go, whatever, you go? Whatever. Yes, it's always yes. That is a nasty word.
00:11:25
Speaker 1: I think it's one of the nastiest words in the English dictionary. And I didn't realize it until I saw it on print, and it was so funny how it created a I actually had a visceral reaction to seeing the word whatever. And I am not saying that I have not done that. I'm not trying to say I'm some saying here. I'm pretty sure I've done it. But when I saw it, it reminded me. Never say that word.
00:11:46
Speaker 2: And you know it can almost come all hum and worse, be a text. Oh you have texted that to me?
00:11:53
Speaker 1: You have? Actually, that's hilarious, Oh my goodness. Okay, instead, this is funny. I can't I can't hear you saying this or me saying this, but they suggest you say this instead. Hey, it seems like we're not really hearing each other. Let's talk about what you like and I'll tell you what I don't like, and maybe we can find a compromise.
00:12:11
Speaker 2: Okay, some variation of that. I understand the sentiment there.
00:12:14
Speaker 1: Yes, like Okay, obviously we're not agreeing on something, so let's try to find a compromise instead of just going whatever.
00:12:22
Speaker 2: And so it should that word should always be a part of a full sentence. It should never be whatever should never be the full sentence. It has to be accompanied. Whatever you'd like to do today sounds great to me. Whatever happens at the end of this happened, or it should be a full sentence. Yes, whatever is without sarcasm out can never ever be a one sentence. It never should be used alone. Yes, you know what.
00:12:45
Speaker 1: I love this episode because I am learning things like when it's out there and it's put in print and it's explained, you can actually process it in a way when you're not in an argument, when you're not in a conflict, and you can tell yourself, I choose not to do this.
00:13:00
Speaker 2: I choose not to use these phrases.
00:13:02
Speaker 1: And now that we're on the record with these phrases, I promise you I am going to do my best not to say them, and if I do, I will take accountability for saying them.
00:13:10
Speaker 2: You don't use these no, you know was the one at the top of you said.
00:13:13
Speaker 1: You, and I was like, wow, good for you. I will never say that you used that before. Yeah, and you've said whatever.
00:13:19
Speaker 2: That's not a common thing you used And the rest of this is common.
00:13:22
Speaker 1: But when we come back, we have two more and they are doozies. Welcome back everyone to this episode of Amy and TJ. We are talking about some of the most passive aggressive phrases that you have probably said, and maybe you even say them daily. And look, I do think I love the idea of not demonizing the person who is being passive aggressive, but trying to understand that this is a defense mechanism. This is someone who is either insecure, someone who is trying to protect their feelings, who is conflict avoidant. And if you can try to look at it through that lens, maybe you'll be a little less offended when you're the recipient of passive aggressiveness. And hopefully this will make folks aware when you are the passive aggressor. Is that a word or a phrase when you are the passive aggressor that you stop yourself and say, wow, I am avoiding what I really need to say. I am avoiding actually being honest and direct, and I have been working on being more direct. I fully recognize that I have leaned on some of this and it's not healthy and oftentimes it leads to greater conflict.
00:14:41
Speaker 2: Would you not say, wait, that was a lot Then you're a.
00:14:44
Speaker 1: Passive aggressive You're trying to avoid conflict. A lot of times you're trying to get the message across without taking accountability.
00:14:51
Speaker 2: For extending the message, which is.
00:14:53
Speaker 1: A total crap way to go about life. But sometimes that breeds more resentment and creates more problems versus rather addressing how you're feeling, even if it hurts in the moment to the other person.
00:15:04
Speaker 2: Yeah, I thought about the back and forth or back and forth you and I often have when you're always asking me, what do you mean? What does that really mean? What is wrong? And all these things? And I stop you and I say, Babe, do you think I have any problem telling you that I have a problem with you. I'm just I say that to you all the time. You're trying to interpret so much of what's going on, where I really, sincerely don't have a problem knowing you. I got a problem with you, right.
00:15:32
Speaker 1: I think sometimes you're just mad at a situation or at the world, or at events, and they have nothing to do with me. And I'm trying to determine if I was a part of it. When I say how you doing, You're like terrific. I know you're not terrific. That's just sarcasm.
00:15:45
Speaker 2: We do that jokingly. Now, that's not mudding the waters. Now, no, that's just sarcasm.
00:15:49
Speaker 1: Oh okay, here is the next passive aggressive phrase. I don't know if we use this one, but well if you say so. If you say so, I don't think I get it. But no, that's not in our house.
00:16:04
Speaker 2: I don't think we do this often.
00:16:06
Speaker 1: So what this is basically saying, you're communicating that you don't wish to continue the conversation, and even if that person does continue, you really don't have any interest or investment in what's being said.
00:16:17
Speaker 2: If you say so, this is the cousin of whatever. This is the same thing.
00:16:23
Speaker 1: That is such a good way to put it. I think it's actually a nicer cousin to whatever. If you say so, you are completely dismissing what that person is saying. But it is a go to phrase that people lean on, so they suggest instead say this, I'm not sure I understand what you're saying. Could you please clarify what you mean, because then at least you care what they mean, You care what they're trying to communicate, versus just brushing it off.
00:16:49
Speaker 2: If you say so, but you're essentially that sounds like a rejection of what they're saying. It sounds like you're disagreeing, yeah, without doing it. It's like you are almost capitulating. You're almost just caving even though you know you're right. It's almost one of those Okay, i'll let you have it, you say so, I love it.
00:17:08
Speaker 1: It's the cousin of whatever I'll let you have it?
00:17:11
Speaker 2: Is that not on there?
00:17:12
Speaker 1: No, But that's like, yes, they're all related, all of those phrases. So, but I do like the idea if you could just say, look, I don't understand what you're saying, could you clarify? Like even that shows you care, you want to know, you want to learn.
00:17:25
Speaker 2: It's better than if you say so.
00:17:28
Speaker 1: And here's one that I will fully This is the one that I will fully cop to, and you might get I might get a rise out of you on this one because I'm admitting it. I don't say it exactly like this, but I have reference this.
00:17:40
Speaker 2: You're just too sensitive and that's something you I mean, you rail against the idea of any guy ever saying that something like that to you, being told you're sensitive. You're ridiculous.
00:17:52
Speaker 1: You're being I hate that, You're ridangulous, You're out of it. Yeah, that whole calm down.
00:17:59
Speaker 2: Oh, Yeah, that's your ridiculous. That's all on the same vein. If you're dismissing or you're justifying, you're only behaving that way because you're not rational, calm, mature like me. You're behaving this way because there's a deficiency, there's a problem with you that's causing you to act that way.
00:18:16
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's awful, and you're gonna appreciate this. The way they describe you're just too sensitive. What you're really saying is why are you so weak that you can't handle the pain I just inflicted on you?
00:18:30
Speaker 2: Sensitive? And again, that is something in terms you're talking to a woman talking to a man, a woman coming to a man saying something like that, a man is not supposed to express himself or be hurt or be sensitive when you all do that to us, and the reaction then, oftentimes from a woman, is why is this man not taking it? Those are the dynamics. I keep going back to Casey, so true. I'll keep going back to Casey on Love Island. Yes, yes, Bro's that happens. So I don't know. So you all aren't giving men the permission to be soft and sensitive and what you want, because when we do it? What's wrong with you? Why you can't take it? Why are you not being man enough? And all these things?
00:19:16
Speaker 1: Man up right.
00:19:17
Speaker 2: But then, on the other flip side, if a guy says that to a woman who is already considered the kinder, softer, and more sensitive gender, you don't want to hear that shit.
00:19:28
Speaker 1: No, you do not. You're just too sensitive. But I do, like I do appreciate. Just the next time you think about saying that to someone, remember you are saying, why are you so weak that you can't handle the pain I just inflicted on you? You are absolutely deflecting and not holding yourself accountable for the pain you caused. Whether you think it's justified or not. That person is in pain. We have had this conversation, and I think that's really interesting, and instead they say you should say this. I think this is beautiful. I can see that I hurt you and I'm very sorry for that. I'd like to understand how I hurt you so I don't do it again. Can you tell me what upset you? And that's about wanting to understand, because it is absolutely true that you can piss someone off and do something, and you could hurt someone and not have intended it or not have realized that you did it. But don't dismiss the fact that they're hurt. Don't say they're being ridiculous. Get curious instead of defensive. I think that is the key.
00:20:25
Speaker 2: I think in relationship it's few and four between that part you read that you might not know that you upset somebody, You might not know what actually set them off. This is the problem with that phrase about your being too sensitive. You know exactly what the hell you did to upset this person, and you're so And I find that on the other side of that, folks can't handle the idea of hurting. You don't want to be the bad guy in a situation, absolutely, so you have to find a reason that your reaction to what I did is the problem. And it's not really what I did. Man, this is this. We could do this all time, yeah, the past.
00:21:01
Speaker 1: And so it's so interesting the passive aggressive phrases that we all go to and really there and I love the beginning of this. They are all defense mechanisms and they all require you if you're the person saying these phrases, then you need to examine why you're using them, why you're relying on them and actually get honest with yourself and dig deep and say why am I avoiding conflict and trying to defend myself instead of trying to understand the actual situation. So I thought this was so interesting and for me, like just seeing those phrases life changing. And I think we can all commit to not our doing our best not to utter them. And if we do, recognize it immediately and take accountability for it, what have I think what you meant to say is I'm Sorah. I didn't exactly understand what you say.
00:21:57
Speaker 2: Can you clarify that for me? You say so It's fine, And with.
00:22:03
Speaker 1: That, everyone, we hope you have a wonderful day today.
00:22:06
Speaker 2: We always appreciate you listening to us.
00:22:08
Speaker 1: I made me Brobok alongside d J.
00:22:10
Speaker 2: Holmes. We'll talk Si
Speaker 1: Hey there, everybody welcome. It is Saturday, July eighteenth, and we are talking about something that we all do, some of us more than other, and that is take that passive aggressive approach to relationships. And we have six of the most passive aggressive phrases that I would argue probably each of us have uttered and some of us have said daily. And so we're going to go over some of these phrases that I laughed out loud because I had to take full accountability of absolutely being guilty of saying them and offer an alternative way to say what you really mean. And with that, everyone, welcome to this episode of Amy and TJ. Would you say that you have been can be passive aggressive? No, you don't think you are not at all? All right, it'll be interesting.
00:00:58
Speaker 2: I'm actually I would say that because you actually get onto me for being too direct, too clear, and I don't dance around stuff and need to get a point across. That is true, but there is something.
00:01:09
Speaker 1: There are things that people do that are passive aggressive that aren't necessarily freezing. So the point being is, at least according to the experts, everybody has a version of it, and yes, some people are way worse than others, and I will take full accountability. I am among that group and I am working on it. But what does passive aggressive mean? I thought this is a really because look, we use that word, and we'd say that people are we throw all sorts of labels around, But here is what it actually means. It's when you express negative emotions like anger or hostility in an indirect manner, particularly in a way that is easily deniable or not directly linked to you. And so it's classified as a defense mechanism. And this makes a lot of sense because basically, what you're doing when you're being passive aggressive is you're defending yourself from potential pain of expressing your anger directly and then reaping the response from the person who you are putting it towards. You're trying to avoid accountability, You're trying to avoid getting anger being directed back at you for expressing something that you're uncomfortable with.
00:02:19
Speaker 2: Man, it's a lot heavier and complicated than I thought, but all that makes sense.
00:02:23
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, okay, So and look they say this tends to be this happens to people who are either avoidant or conflict averse. So maybe you've grown up and you've tried to avoid conflict, and so this is how you try to avoid conflict, but oftentimes you create more conflict by trying to avoid conflict, or it happens in a lot of people who lack self esteem, and it could be a combination of all of the three. But they say passive aggressiveness can show up in many forms, and this is what I thought was interesting. Yes, and the way you say things, how you phrase things, giving people the silent treatment, that is absolutely passive aggressive because you are not directly addressing the issue. Pouting is passive aggressive. And procrastinating on a task that you agreed to do that's also passive aggressive because you're finding a way to get back at someone without actually saying it.
00:03:14
Speaker 2: That didn't own that sounded eventful, that sounded that's no way to be to get people back. Listen to this example they gave.
00:03:21
Speaker 1: I wasn't even gonna include it, but I read it and I laughed out loud, and I thought, that's just mean. That's not passive aggressive. They suggested an example of that was you agreed to pick someone up at the train station and then you just forget what.
00:03:36
Speaker 2: That's terrible, Dammit, you know what you just gave me what last season Huda's last date with the Big Black Eye, and you wouldn't carry across the water? Absolutely, absolutely, they refused to be a gentleman to her anymore because they just broke up. That was an amazing scene, by the way, you could forget that the woman that came out and saying at the end it was so uncomfortable. We got to go back and why they.
00:04:00
Speaker 1: Created this whole romantic setting where they thought they were either gonna you know, fall deeper in love. Instead they broke up and then he refused to carry her over the water.
00:04:09
Speaker 2: So what that was? That was a bad moment, But again passive aggressive. We don't know how to react when we're hurt.
00:04:15
Speaker 1: There you go, all right, so these phrases, babe, you were gonna laugh out loud? And then so they this isn't in any order. This is just number one.
00:04:25
Speaker 2: Can I ask something? But do they have any statistics or any breakdown of is this stuff? Men and women both do this?
00:04:32
Speaker 1: The article said everybody does it, you can, and some people do it more than others. But I didn't see that in this article. But that would be an interesting question. Yeah, I don't know what that would be. That's interesting. Okay, first phrase, good for you.
00:04:50
Speaker 2: Yeah, man, that's that's that's I've heard you say that several times. Good for you. It is one of the nastiest things I hate, because you're you're expressing that you're not happy for somebody who actually had something positive happened to them. Is how it's that's not.
00:05:07
Speaker 1: One that I know, one that I've said that, one I did not know was in my vernacular. Oh yeah, good for you. This can be envy or resentment lurking below the surface, and it's truly a statement about unfairness. So you just need to express that it's unfair, and they say instead, try to if someone needs to be congratulated, sincerely congratulating the other person. But then you can also acknowledge that you feel it's unfair, or you could say can you help me strategize ways to get where you are, or to just acknowledge that you feel pain that if there is something that needs to be addressed and you need to get out the feeling, you have to be direct about it. You can't say good for you.
00:05:46
Speaker 2: Okay. See this, I took this totally differently because usually when it comes out. It's not a matter of anybody having a confrontation. There is no problem, there is no issue. It's just someone is jealous. Someone is jealous of something that the other person good for you, Like you're you're so upset to see them celebrating in the moment, you're so upset to see that success, and then you just kind of good for you. I see it presented in that manner to where, uh, there is no the two of us don't have beef, but you can't be happy for me, so good for you.
00:06:19
Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't remember feeling that towards you. That's so interesting. Another one. I'm sorry you feel that way. Obviously, this is terrible you're saying. I stand by what I said, and I'm sorry you're having this reaction to it.
00:06:32
Speaker 2: But it's your problem. That should never that phrase should never be uttered.
00:06:36
Speaker 1: And people use it all Yeah time.
00:06:38
Speaker 2: That should go up in like the level of some things that just that should never come out of a person's mouth. There's no good that can come. Yes, get rid of that, folks y, don't ever ever ever say that again. I will absolutely say that.
00:06:50
Speaker 1: I have said that before, and the moment I say it, I think, at least as of late, I rescind it because I realize, holy hell, that is awful. I stand by what I said, and I'm sorry you're having a reaction to it. That is what I'm sorry you feel that way means. And I think a lot of times that's very like intentional, like you know what you're saying when you say that.
00:07:08
Speaker 2: Don't we see that in a lot of apologies, like public apologies, they've take taking responsibility. Yeah, I'm sorry what I said made you feel that way kind of a thing, But I still stand by what I said. I'm sorry that you were upset by my words.
00:07:20
Speaker 1: Yes, so they say instead I love that in this article they give you what you can say instead, instead take accountability. Say I'm sorry I hurt you. Or you say I apologize that what I said caused you pain.
00:07:36
Speaker 2: That's a better way to say it. But not being sorry for what you said that was a two different things.
00:07:40
Speaker 1: Well, maybe you aren't sorry for what you said, and that can still be true. You don't have to be passive aggressive about it. You can say I'm sorry I hurt you, I'm sorry my words hurt you.
00:07:49
Speaker 2: When you said I this is not a good dress for you. I'm sorry you didn't take that well.
00:07:57
Speaker 1: I'm sorry my words hurt you. Then just don't add but.
00:08:01
Speaker 2: Still a bad dress. But I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that.
00:08:05
Speaker 1: I mean, what do you do if you're honestly saying something to someone though? I mean, I don't think you can lie. You can just say I'm sorry I hurt you, babe.
00:08:13
Speaker 2: See, this goes into a different lane. I think passive aggressive comes with some malintent. I think passive aggressive is something when when there is some conflict between those two individuals. I think you can say things wrong and not be passive. You know what I'm saying. Yeah, I find it.
00:08:33
Speaker 1: I went back to go look at what they actually This is what an expert said. It's classified as a defense mechanism because you're defending yourself from potential pain of expressing your anger.
00:08:45
Speaker 2: So you so it, Okay, Yes, that's a good way to Maybe you.
00:08:50
Speaker 1: Don't demonize the other person for doing it. You can actually have pity for them because they don't have the confidence or the self awareness to be able to be direct with how they're feeling. And so if that's maybe a way to look at someone through that lens. It might help the person who's being offended that it's actually a defense mechanism by the other person. Here's another one. It's fine. You do say that it's fine.
00:09:19
Speaker 2: Daily, several times a day, maybe in different variations. Oh good, yes, exact same thing.
00:09:27
Speaker 1: Okay, So here's what they say that really means what you're really saying. You're testing the other person. You're hoping that the other person will take action to address the fact that you're not actually fine. But you're not asking for support or attention.
00:09:42
Speaker 2: I didn't get that last part.
00:09:42
Speaker 1: But you're refusing to ask for the support or attention, and you're hoping that the other person will just take action to address the fact that you're not actually fine.
00:09:51
Speaker 2: Well, you lost me in the last part. But yes the first part, Yes, I do this, and you see me do this. When I say it's fine, I am am off to the races in handling whatever the thing is that needed to get me.
00:10:04
Speaker 1: But you're shutting me out of it, and I feel responsible for it, and I remember feeling like you feel a little helpless. But what Yeah, yes, they say the what the what you should say instead is lol, you should tell the other person how you're actually feeling.
00:10:20
Speaker 2: Yeah, tell about you're actually feeling. Okay, I get what they're saying. I can agree with I'm I'm making it too personal and that's why I'm taking issue with it. But no, no, that makes sense. That makes okay.
00:10:30
Speaker 1: Here's here's the fourth one. This Honestly, I hate this word so much. And if I ever say this to you, babe, tell me you said this was your your least favorite word.
00:10:42
Speaker 2: You don't think you say it, I absolutely might have to.
00:10:44
Speaker 1: I will not say that I didn't, but I when I when I see this word, it actually makes my chest tightened. Whatever that is an awful word. No one should ever say that, So I like this. They say it usually comes up after you've tried to explain your viewpoint a few times, maybe even to no avail, and then you just resign, resign yourself to not being understood, and you say whatever, yeah.
00:11:12
Speaker 2: And the way you just said it, whatever is never said without that inflection. You just have the end, right, you go, whatever, you go? Whatever. Yes, it's always yes. That is a nasty word.
00:11:25
Speaker 1: I think it's one of the nastiest words in the English dictionary. And I didn't realize it until I saw it on print, and it was so funny how it created a I actually had a visceral reaction to seeing the word whatever. And I am not saying that I have not done that. I'm not trying to say I'm some saying here. I'm pretty sure I've done it. But when I saw it, it reminded me. Never say that word.
00:11:46
Speaker 2: And you know it can almost come all hum and worse, be a text. Oh you have texted that to me?
00:11:53
Speaker 1: You have? Actually, that's hilarious, Oh my goodness. Okay, instead, this is funny. I can't I can't hear you saying this or me saying this, but they suggest you say this instead. Hey, it seems like we're not really hearing each other. Let's talk about what you like and I'll tell you what I don't like, and maybe we can find a compromise.
00:12:11
Speaker 2: Okay, some variation of that. I understand the sentiment there.
00:12:14
Speaker 1: Yes, like Okay, obviously we're not agreeing on something, so let's try to find a compromise instead of just going whatever.
00:12:22
Speaker 2: And so it should that word should always be a part of a full sentence. It should never be whatever should never be the full sentence. It has to be accompanied. Whatever you'd like to do today sounds great to me. Whatever happens at the end of this happened, or it should be a full sentence. Yes, whatever is without sarcasm out can never ever be a one sentence. It never should be used alone. Yes, you know what.
00:12:45
Speaker 1: I love this episode because I am learning things like when it's out there and it's put in print and it's explained, you can actually process it in a way when you're not in an argument, when you're not in a conflict, and you can tell yourself, I choose not to do this.
00:13:00
Speaker 2: I choose not to use these phrases.
00:13:02
Speaker 1: And now that we're on the record with these phrases, I promise you I am going to do my best not to say them, and if I do, I will take accountability for saying them.
00:13:10
Speaker 2: You don't use these no, you know was the one at the top of you said.
00:13:13
Speaker 1: You, and I was like, wow, good for you. I will never say that you used that before. Yeah, and you've said whatever.
00:13:19
Speaker 2: That's not a common thing you used And the rest of this is common.
00:13:22
Speaker 1: But when we come back, we have two more and they are doozies. Welcome back everyone to this episode of Amy and TJ. We are talking about some of the most passive aggressive phrases that you have probably said, and maybe you even say them daily. And look, I do think I love the idea of not demonizing the person who is being passive aggressive, but trying to understand that this is a defense mechanism. This is someone who is either insecure, someone who is trying to protect their feelings, who is conflict avoidant. And if you can try to look at it through that lens, maybe you'll be a little less offended when you're the recipient of passive aggressiveness. And hopefully this will make folks aware when you are the passive aggressor. Is that a word or a phrase when you are the passive aggressor that you stop yourself and say, wow, I am avoiding what I really need to say. I am avoiding actually being honest and direct, and I have been working on being more direct. I fully recognize that I have leaned on some of this and it's not healthy and oftentimes it leads to greater conflict.
00:14:41
Speaker 2: Would you not say, wait, that was a lot Then you're a.
00:14:44
Speaker 1: Passive aggressive You're trying to avoid conflict. A lot of times you're trying to get the message across without taking accountability.
00:14:51
Speaker 2: For extending the message, which is.
00:14:53
Speaker 1: A total crap way to go about life. But sometimes that breeds more resentment and creates more problems versus rather addressing how you're feeling, even if it hurts in the moment to the other person.
00:15:04
Speaker 2: Yeah, I thought about the back and forth or back and forth you and I often have when you're always asking me, what do you mean? What does that really mean? What is wrong? And all these things? And I stop you and I say, Babe, do you think I have any problem telling you that I have a problem with you. I'm just I say that to you all the time. You're trying to interpret so much of what's going on, where I really, sincerely don't have a problem knowing you. I got a problem with you, right.
00:15:32
Speaker 1: I think sometimes you're just mad at a situation or at the world, or at events, and they have nothing to do with me. And I'm trying to determine if I was a part of it. When I say how you doing, You're like terrific. I know you're not terrific. That's just sarcasm.
00:15:45
Speaker 2: We do that jokingly. Now, that's not mudding the waters. Now, no, that's just sarcasm.
00:15:49
Speaker 1: Oh okay, here is the next passive aggressive phrase. I don't know if we use this one, but well if you say so. If you say so, I don't think I get it. But no, that's not in our house.
00:16:04
Speaker 2: I don't think we do this often.
00:16:06
Speaker 1: So what this is basically saying, you're communicating that you don't wish to continue the conversation, and even if that person does continue, you really don't have any interest or investment in what's being said.
00:16:17
Speaker 2: If you say so, this is the cousin of whatever. This is the same thing.
00:16:23
Speaker 1: That is such a good way to put it. I think it's actually a nicer cousin to whatever. If you say so, you are completely dismissing what that person is saying. But it is a go to phrase that people lean on, so they suggest instead say this, I'm not sure I understand what you're saying. Could you please clarify what you mean, because then at least you care what they mean, You care what they're trying to communicate, versus just brushing it off.
00:16:49
Speaker 2: If you say so, but you're essentially that sounds like a rejection of what they're saying. It sounds like you're disagreeing, yeah, without doing it. It's like you are almost capitulating. You're almost just caving even though you know you're right. It's almost one of those Okay, i'll let you have it, you say so, I love it.
00:17:08
Speaker 1: It's the cousin of whatever I'll let you have it?
00:17:11
Speaker 2: Is that not on there?
00:17:12
Speaker 1: No, But that's like, yes, they're all related, all of those phrases. So, but I do like the idea if you could just say, look, I don't understand what you're saying, could you clarify? Like even that shows you care, you want to know, you want to learn.
00:17:25
Speaker 2: It's better than if you say so.
00:17:28
Speaker 1: And here's one that I will fully This is the one that I will fully cop to, and you might get I might get a rise out of you on this one because I'm admitting it. I don't say it exactly like this, but I have reference this.
00:17:40
Speaker 2: You're just too sensitive and that's something you I mean, you rail against the idea of any guy ever saying that something like that to you, being told you're sensitive. You're ridiculous.
00:17:52
Speaker 1: You're being I hate that, You're ridangulous, You're out of it. Yeah, that whole calm down.
00:17:59
Speaker 2: Oh, Yeah, that's your ridiculous. That's all on the same vein. If you're dismissing or you're justifying, you're only behaving that way because you're not rational, calm, mature like me. You're behaving this way because there's a deficiency, there's a problem with you that's causing you to act that way.
00:18:16
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's awful, and you're gonna appreciate this. The way they describe you're just too sensitive. What you're really saying is why are you so weak that you can't handle the pain I just inflicted on you?
00:18:30
Speaker 2: Sensitive? And again, that is something in terms you're talking to a woman talking to a man, a woman coming to a man saying something like that, a man is not supposed to express himself or be hurt or be sensitive when you all do that to us, and the reaction then, oftentimes from a woman, is why is this man not taking it? Those are the dynamics. I keep going back to Casey, so true. I'll keep going back to Casey on Love Island. Yes, yes, Bro's that happens. So I don't know. So you all aren't giving men the permission to be soft and sensitive and what you want, because when we do it? What's wrong with you? Why you can't take it? Why are you not being man enough? And all these things?
00:19:16
Speaker 1: Man up right.
00:19:17
Speaker 2: But then, on the other flip side, if a guy says that to a woman who is already considered the kinder, softer, and more sensitive gender, you don't want to hear that shit.
00:19:28
Speaker 1: No, you do not. You're just too sensitive. But I do, like I do appreciate. Just the next time you think about saying that to someone, remember you are saying, why are you so weak that you can't handle the pain I just inflicted on you? You are absolutely deflecting and not holding yourself accountable for the pain you caused. Whether you think it's justified or not. That person is in pain. We have had this conversation, and I think that's really interesting, and instead they say you should say this. I think this is beautiful. I can see that I hurt you and I'm very sorry for that. I'd like to understand how I hurt you so I don't do it again. Can you tell me what upset you? And that's about wanting to understand, because it is absolutely true that you can piss someone off and do something, and you could hurt someone and not have intended it or not have realized that you did it. But don't dismiss the fact that they're hurt. Don't say they're being ridiculous. Get curious instead of defensive. I think that is the key.
00:20:25
Speaker 2: I think in relationship it's few and four between that part you read that you might not know that you upset somebody, You might not know what actually set them off. This is the problem with that phrase about your being too sensitive. You know exactly what the hell you did to upset this person, and you're so And I find that on the other side of that, folks can't handle the idea of hurting. You don't want to be the bad guy in a situation, absolutely, so you have to find a reason that your reaction to what I did is the problem. And it's not really what I did. Man, this is this. We could do this all time, yeah, the past.
00:21:01
Speaker 1: And so it's so interesting the passive aggressive phrases that we all go to and really there and I love the beginning of this. They are all defense mechanisms and they all require you if you're the person saying these phrases, then you need to examine why you're using them, why you're relying on them and actually get honest with yourself and dig deep and say why am I avoiding conflict and trying to defend myself instead of trying to understand the actual situation. So I thought this was so interesting and for me, like just seeing those phrases life changing. And I think we can all commit to not our doing our best not to utter them. And if we do, recognize it immediately and take accountability for it, what have I think what you meant to say is I'm Sorah. I didn't exactly understand what you say.
00:21:57
Speaker 2: Can you clarify that for me? You say so It's fine, And with.
00:22:03
Speaker 1: That, everyone, we hope you have a wonderful day today.
00:22:06
Speaker 2: We always appreciate you listening to us.
00:22:08
Speaker 1: I made me Brobok alongside d J.
00:22:10
Speaker 2: Holmes. We'll talk Si