May 16, 2026
The Secret To Happiness, How To Make The Right Decisions In Life From Romantic Partners To What You Eat For Breakfast
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RSS Feed This is not an overstatement: Listening to this episode could change your life. We go over an essay this week from the New York Times from a Nobel winning psychologist who believed he found the secret to happiness! It’s all about HOW we make decisions and what we do after we make them. There’s science, math and logic behind the theory and the best part, it’s something all of us can begin to apply to our lives today.
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00:00:02
Speaker 1: Hey there, folks.
00:00:02
Speaker 2: It is Saturday, May sixteenth, and the secret to happiness has been found and it boils down to this, are you a maximizer or a satisfiser? And with that, welcome to this episode of Amy and TJ.
00:00:22
Speaker 1: Robes.
00:00:23
Speaker 2: The secret to happeness has been discovered. I am one hundred percent of believer in what they have figured out, Robes. I love this. I'm not over selling. I think this is it wow.
00:00:34
Speaker 1: And I actually full disclosure here.
00:00:36
Speaker 3: You asked me not to read the article because you wanted to have a little fun with this, and I'll be learning along with all of you listeners what the secret to happiness is and what those words were that he just said, what they mean maximiser and meister.
00:00:51
Speaker 1: Yes, well what was it? And it can't even repeat what you said?
00:00:55
Speaker 2: A maximizer, a maximizer or a satusfeiser?
00:00:59
Speaker 3: Okay, is peiser? That's where I got, meister, because there is speiser.
00:01:03
Speaker 2: So satis spicer is a combination of these two words satisfy and suffice, a sadus peisser. We will get into and explain. But this came to us. It has come from Sam as well, our producer.
00:01:15
Speaker 1: Uh No, I found this actually just this week.
00:01:17
Speaker 3: I actually saw a headline that said secret to Happiness, and I thought, hmm, this could be good. So I just, you know, you just copy and paste and stored this article away, but I didn't actually read it. I saved it for a rainy day. You actually clicked on it.
00:01:31
Speaker 2: I did. I went so deep into a dive on this thing, because you do see a lot of stuff that's clickbait. Secret of Happiness, secrete, Keita living Longer has been discovered, all kinds of stuff, and you click and it's just some BS. Correct, this was not BS. So the article you found it was from the New York Times and it was titled the Nobel winning Psychologist who believed he found the Secret to Success. It was written by an author by the name of David Epstein who was doing a guest essay. Before we get into it all, let me give you this bottom line, robes to Secret to Happiness. You are spoiling everything, every relationship, every experience, and every moment by wondering if something better is out there than the decision you've made.
00:02:15
Speaker 1: Wow, the grass is greener? Does that make sense?
00:02:18
Speaker 3: We drive ourselves crazy with comparison. Is the thief of joy is what people say. It sounds a little bit like that where you're always comparing or imagining a better life, a better partner, a better job, a better house, a better vacation, a better car, yes, a better life, and you're thinking someone else has it and you want it.
00:02:37
Speaker 2: This is the we've heard generally, and you and I have even studied some things along the way. We hear ideas of this put different ways of the way. You just put it. This is the best I've ever heard it put. This comes to us from a pioneering social scientist by the name of Herbert Simon, and the idea basically here is stop searching for the best when you're making a decision. Did you say that's a tendency we all have? All right, I need to go get a new computer. What's the best thing available?
00:03:05
Speaker 1: All right?
00:03:06
Speaker 2: I'm picking out fruit at the grocery store. Which one is the best orange? Let me pick it up and put it. Would you say, that's just generally what we do.
00:03:12
Speaker 1: Absolutely we all do it.
00:03:13
Speaker 2: Yes, Okay, something as simple as a restaurant. Would you say, man, I'm looking for the particular thing, the best thing, and certainly dating would you say, that's a mind set that people generally have. I'm looking for what is it the best? Just okay, I'm looking for this. I'm looking for what.
00:03:31
Speaker 3: No, you want the best, and then if you feel like you don't have it, or you feel like someone else has it, you imagine what it would how much better your life would be if you could have that.
00:03:40
Speaker 1: I think that's a big part of it.
00:03:42
Speaker 3: But yes, when you're dating and you're looking for your partner, I think that's the biggest decision we all make. It's the biggest decision you make that has the biggest impact on your happiness.
00:03:50
Speaker 1: For sure.
00:03:51
Speaker 3: Who you end up with absolutely is the biggest part of what your life looks like or how you feel about your life.
00:04:00
Speaker 2: And a part of this I'll mention now at the bottom, they do give a dating strategy. Strategy that's a matter of probability when it comes to decision making that you have to hear to believe. But yes, what you describe robes this doctor Herbert Simon, this social scientist, said that is the absolute wrong strategy, and that's what's making you unhappy. Your tendency to search for the best in decisions that you're making that this guy actually died in two thousand and one. Roads he did win a Nobel Prize in Economic sciences wow in never nineteen seventy eight. Now, his daughter was interviewed as a part of this, but she said he didn't just study this, he lived it. The man wore one brand of socks his entire adult life. He lived in the same house for forty six years. He had the same exact breakfast every single morning. They said, by taking out all these mundane decisions they're already been made, your mind is freed up for things that actually matter.
00:05:02
Speaker 1: I just got chills.
00:05:04
Speaker 3: Never ever considered that ever, because we're so busy trying to find what would be the best thing that we miss out on just being able to use our minds and our hearts for something better. You know what this reminds me of, though, It's funny, like I think about some of the things my parents instilled in me, and one of the things my mom used to get crazy when she would see You're sitting in a restaurant, right and you see parents bringing their young kids to a restaurant, which we really never got to go to.
00:05:34
Speaker 1: But as an adult, we've witnessed this and the kid, They're like, what do you want? Do you want this? Now? Do you want the chicken nut?
00:05:42
Speaker 3: No?
00:05:42
Speaker 1: Do you want the pizza?
00:05:43
Speaker 3: No?
00:05:43
Speaker 1: And we can sit there and listen, and my mom is like, too many choices? This is driving me hard.
00:05:48
Speaker 3: Parents are why are they giving their kids twelve choices? You tell them is the chicken nuggets or the pizza?
00:05:54
Speaker 1: Pick?
00:05:55
Speaker 3: And you don't give them the menu. And so when they're at a certain age. So we used to drive my mom and dad crazy. And I would hear them and I think I tried to do the same thing, like you give people too many choices, they get overwhelmed. But they were only talking about kids. Apparently it's for all of us.
00:06:09
Speaker 2: Okay, you're not looking at my rundown I put together here.
00:06:11
Speaker 1: You are taking.
00:06:12
Speaker 2: You are transistioning me exactly into the next thing. This is a key finding. You're unhappy because your mind can't really evaluate all the information necessary with your options to make a good decision. Anyway, we can't.
00:06:28
Speaker 1: Compute ropes so much. Is that you want to go buy a new TV?
00:06:32
Speaker 2: What do you wanna do? You want to go with LG, you want to go with Samsong, You want to go with sixty five inch, you want to go with fifty five inch. You want to get the one that has the built in monitor.
00:06:39
Speaker 1: It's plasma screen, the whatever.
00:06:41
Speaker 2: Yes, there are too many options. You cannot take in all the info. This is what they say. Try instead, find a good option, look at a few alternatives, make a choice, move on with your life.
00:06:55
Speaker 1: You know what is so funny.
00:06:57
Speaker 3: I do a lot of things wrong, but I will tell you, and I've always thought maybe this was a bad this is something I do that isn't good.
00:07:04
Speaker 1: I make quick decisions I make.
00:07:07
Speaker 3: I make gut instincts like I and a lot of the like because I know not about life big time things I'm saying like a car, an outfit, a pair of shoes. I tend to just say, you know what, it's good enough. I do, And then sometimes I look.
00:07:22
Speaker 1: Then I regret, like I should. I should have planned more, I should have looked more. I should have considered more options. I should. But I do make quick decisions.
00:07:30
Speaker 2: You're taking me actually into another thing. We're going to hit on good enough, good enough and settling end up getting mixed up. And this is why people have a problem. Damn, you are taking me right through this thing.
00:07:42
Speaker 1: One more thing on your guy, look at the computer screen again.
00:07:46
Speaker 2: The one more thing on our guy. Herbert Simon is I told you ate the same breakfast, same house, saying brand of socks his daughter, and speaking on this article in New York Times, said he actually only had three sets of clothes, as what he believed at least three of clothes, the one you're wearing, the one in the hamper, and the one hanging up in the closet ready to go. That's all you need. It's a sent Well, most people can't live that way.
00:08:11
Speaker 1: I was trying to imagine.
00:08:12
Speaker 2: No, no, no, there's no way, but there is. Even if you can't go with that, it doesn't seem reasonable. It is quite frankly understandable. Why do you need more than that? How many more decisions are you trying to make? I understand people want to look, But it's just the point that he was making, You know.
00:08:28
Speaker 3: What brings me to I remember thinking there was so much peace in my house with my two daughters because through eighth grade they went to this little Catholic school here in Manhattan, and they had uniforms.
00:08:41
Speaker 1: Every day they had to wear.
00:08:43
Speaker 3: The same thing, and it was the same thing as everyone else, and life was simple when when and then Annelie's had she had.
00:08:50
Speaker 1: A uniform all the way through high school. But when Ava got to high school, she went to public high school and just to what do I wear?
00:08:56
Speaker 3: The stress of what she was wearing and how it would be com heard to others, and it was a completely different scenario versus a uniform. It made things simple, easy and peaceful.
00:09:09
Speaker 1: Rope.
00:09:10
Speaker 2: I gave a couple of scenarios earlier. I won't come up with one better than what you just described. How was the mourning for analyse versus the morning for Ava? How was the how was getting to school and meeting up with friends in the morning ib for Ava eyeballing what everybody else was wearing and anat least not having that stress she was Analyst was freed up for other things. Ava's mind is still caught up in. That is a perfect example exactly what they're talking about. And you saw it in your own house.
00:09:37
Speaker 1: I did.
00:09:38
Speaker 2: With a decision that had to be made every day versus one that was already made.
00:09:42
Speaker 1: That's kind of amazing.
00:09:43
Speaker 2: Okay, So the status feisser versus the maximizer. So the guy coined the phrame's satisficing to be satisfied and have it suffice. Satisficer versus A maximizer is the person who thinks you can find the best if we look hard enough and long enough.
00:10:04
Speaker 3: You know what. I look at this with verbos too, You and I going back and forth trying to pick where we're going to stay when.
00:10:10
Speaker 1: We go on vacation. It's true.
00:10:12
Speaker 3: If you just can be a satisficer, you get your decision made much quicker.
00:10:16
Speaker 1: It's not stressful.
00:10:17
Speaker 3: Yeah, there might be a better house somewhere for a better value, but you know what, the amount of time it is going to take to find it makes you so annoyed and frustrated.
00:10:27
Speaker 1: That it's not worth it.
00:10:28
Speaker 2: Which one are you?
00:10:29
Speaker 1: Oh, I'm a satisficer?
00:10:30
Speaker 2: Thanks? So really?
00:10:31
Speaker 1: I do? I do think I am?
00:10:33
Speaker 3: I Actually I lean more towards saying it's good enough, and I'd rather protect my piece.
00:10:38
Speaker 2: Maximizers tend to be less satisfied with their decisions and with their lives.
00:10:45
Speaker 3: Wow, because they always think they could have done better, or they could find better.
00:10:50
Speaker 2: And you know what's not helping is social media because you are seeing a perfectly put together image of somebody else's life, you know what yours is, So you always, no matter what you have, you always think and you can pick up your phone and see that somebody has better, more, or whatever it may be. And you're never ever going to be satisfied as a maximizer.
00:11:18
Speaker 1: Yeah, and I think we all do that.
00:11:19
Speaker 3: Like I'm not saying that I don't do that, and I haven't been there, and I don't find myself there. I think now hearing something like this, you can recognize it and stop and say I'm going to stop. I'm going to be a satisficer right now, and it's going to be good enough and I'm going to be happy.
00:11:35
Speaker 2: So this is the pushback you get from maximizers often because we hate the idea of settling, like I'm settling for something, right. We hear that in relationships all the time.
00:11:44
Speaker 1: I'm not going to settle no matter what I've settled, damn it. Yes, but you can.
00:11:50
Speaker 2: Apply it to damn near everything. So folks hate the idea. Nope, this sounds like you're settling. Why shouldn't I go out there and get the best, And why shouldn't I go out there and fight and make sure I have the best here's the problem, Ropes. There's a difference between settling and also accepting what's good enough for you. There's a standard you can set of I want the best, or your standard could be this is acceptable for me, and when you find that thing, stop fucking looking. Yeah, stop right there, And that's the key to being happy in life.
00:12:26
Speaker 1: Which one are you?
00:12:27
Speaker 2: I think I'm one hundred percent satisfy, sir. I'm You've been around me plenty, and Ropes, you see me be very thorough. And but once I'm thorough, I'm not worried about because I know what I want. We did this week. We bought a truck not too long ago. I knew exactly that's true. We want it, sure, But you handed that thing off to me and said, TJ, you got a different standard for what we're going to do.
00:12:51
Speaker 1: Because whatever was good enough for you.
00:12:54
Speaker 2: Whatever. Yes, I had a standard, Ropes. As soon as we found what I said was good enough, done deal Yep, it was done.
00:13:03
Speaker 3: That's true. But you have to come to that decision and then operate from that place.
00:13:08
Speaker 2: Because I wasn't trying to find the best truck that was out there. I was trying to find the one that meet the standard that was okay for us, and as soon as we find it, we didn't go, oh, okay, well maybe we look around at this other thing. Well, maybe we can find one that has an extra this. Nope, move forward, straight ahead. So that's a satisfy sir. Here's the key. If you set a standard of what's good enough for you and stick to it, you'll be satisfied with your choices. If your standing is the best out there, you'll never be satisfied with whatever choice you make, because the best is the enemy of the good.
00:13:43
Speaker 3: Wow, the best is the enemy of the good. That is a powerful statement that I have never heard put that way before.
00:13:52
Speaker 2: Okay, Robes, I swear I'm not twenty years old standing in the control room at UATV, my senior year. Bob Steele, the news director at KATV at ABC. There for journalism days. They bring in all these professionals to mingle with the kids who are going to be graduating. Maybe you'll find a job. He was looking at my resume tape and looking at a peace of mine, and he was talking to me and then hearing my voice sound different in the piece, and he said, why are you doing like that? You're trying to pronounce and see it to be very perfectly. He said, never let perfect get in the way of good. I was twenty years old. That has been with me my entire life.
00:14:31
Speaker 1: You say it all the time, and I never thought about it. But that is this theory.
00:14:35
Speaker 2: And when you came in this mind, I said, Rose, we got dog. I'm losing my mind.
00:14:40
Speaker 1: Validation. I was losing my mind. It makes perfect sense. But we get into this where did we get it?
00:14:46
Speaker 2: Rose? That everything has to be perfect, or that you're settling if you're not getting the absolute best thing out there or the best person out there. You're always looking for something better when what's right in front of you actually what you wanted and is damn good.
00:15:00
Speaker 1: Why do we do that? I don't know, that's the answer. I don't know.
00:15:04
Speaker 3: I know that my mom used to tell me this, and she had a lot I look back down and I think, wow, I should have followed that advice a little bit more. But she used to always say, stop looking around the room for someone better. There's always going and even when you think about yourself and how you regard yourself, there is always going to be someone in the room who's prettier, who's smarter, who's richer, who's friendlier, who's funnier? Like that's always going to be, So just accept who you are, stop comparing.
00:15:32
Speaker 2: Oh that is amazing, And Robes, you're going to take me right into this break because Robes has teed me up perfectly for how I have chosen to end this episode. And it comes with two things. One, you've liked a lot of the quotes I've used so far in here, Robes. The next one is going to top it all and bring it all home, I assure you. And then the other there is a mathematical equation that they say will increase your chances of finding the person you're going to be with, should be with, and going to be happy with Robes. You ain't gonna believe this one's they here all right? We continue here on this maximizer versus satisficer episode of Amy and TJ or is that we just said in the break there to each other, this is the simplest stuff, and we just can't adhere to it. So often.
00:16:33
Speaker 3: It's exciting though, because sometimes it takes an article like this we get into folks who spend their lives studying happiness, joy peace.
00:16:42
Speaker 1: And I know a lot of people get to a place in.
00:16:44
Speaker 3: Their lives where you start reading these self help books and you're trying to figure out why you're unhappy, or why you're not settled, or why you're just you're still craving something that you can't figure out. And so I get excited when you hear something that makes perfect sense, but you hadn't about it that way, where you didn't have this is It gives you a framework with which to build your daily routine and your mental routine. And I do love getting this kind of guidance because it is simple and it's so easy to put in practice if you just make it a part of your daily practice.
00:17:21
Speaker 2: There are a lot of books out there, roes are plenty on the shelf right here behind us, right This is one article that just gives one tool if you're just mindful about it. This is one of the best things I have seen. Rose. There's a lot of self help, a lot of stuff, a lot of clickbaiting.
00:17:35
Speaker 3: This was a small little op ed in the New York Times is like midweek, So this is so cool.
00:17:39
Speaker 2: I want to give him credit one more time. His name is David Epstein, he's an author, but it was a guest essay in the New York Times. The Nobel winning psychologist who believed he found the secret to happiness Ropes. He quoted another psychologist in this article that put it this way, and this is the one you can really take with you quote. By investing in the choice you made instead of focusing on what better option might come later, A great deal of energy gets freed up for living instead of being spent on wondering how to live.
00:18:15
Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, can you say that one more time?
00:18:17
Speaker 2: Bro the ant? A great deal of energy gets freed up for living instead of being spent on wondering how to live?
00:18:24
Speaker 3: You know what, God, I just got chills because something that has always stuck with me. And I find myself doing this as I think we all do, and I remind myself stop saying what if, should have, could have? If only those phrases in whatever form they take, will cause you more harm than anything else, because it's silly. You can't what good comes of that nothing. But somehow we all ruminate and we start trying to see what we could have done, what we should have done, And it just makes you crazy. We are our own worst enemies period.
00:19:05
Speaker 2: Hear me say that all the time when something goes until I said, well I could I that could have, would have, should have automia didn't, didn't.
00:19:12
Speaker 1: Let's move on, won't stop. Just just move.
00:19:15
Speaker 2: On and let this go. But you were talking about the dating and another good example, Robes, I just thought of. But consider the dating apps. You swipe, Oh my gosh, oh that guy looks great. I should check you know what, Let me swipe might be something better. You keep swiping, and you keep swiping. He's good, but next guy might be better. Next guy might be better. You keep swiping, You keep swiping, and keep swiping. So I will leave you with this. In the article, they did quote the sky a mathematician of all things named John Alan Paulos, and he had an equation. He had a mathematical equation for how you should date. And this Robes is going. It goes in line with what we've been talking about. But he said, this is your best chance of finding love and happiness. One estimate how many people you could date in your lifetime. Now, if you think about that as an adult, what would you just say? In general, you're starting your adult dating at twenty one throughout until I don't know, forty or or the next ten years. You're no people you're going to actually date.
00:20:13
Speaker 1: So you're not you're not coupled ups. Like from like, how.
00:20:17
Speaker 2: Many people do you think you generally would date throughout your adult life.
00:20:23
Speaker 1: Without being in a serious relationship? Yeah, okay, Oh.
00:20:26
Speaker 2: It could be a few months, it could be whatever it is. But just somebody you're legitiminely dating.
00:20:30
Speaker 1: I mean I would say, you know, an adult it does.
00:20:34
Speaker 2: Okay, let's go with that number a doesn't you know what that's a good number. Let's go with a dozen, all right, So he says, find that number first, take that number. Let's go at twelve. A third of that would be what four people?
00:20:47
Speaker 1: All right?
00:20:47
Speaker 2: So now they say date a third of that number with no intention of committing. So four people you're gonna date and your door like, just date them, have no intention of having a good time with the idea that all you're doing is getting an idea of what you like and what you don't like.
00:21:08
Speaker 1: Wow, like to have no intention.
00:21:10
Speaker 2: Don't don't put that string you say it all the time, expectations.
00:21:13
Speaker 1: Right, oh yes, so don't put that on it.
00:21:16
Speaker 2: The goal at the end, I am just gonna date these four people to see what I like and they don't like. Now, after you get through that third, commit to the very next person you like better than anyone else you've dated. Wow, the very next person after those first four that you date, And it could be two down the road, five down the road, it could you don't know. The very next person you date better than everybody else you've dated, that's your one.
00:21:48
Speaker 3: Because you've had a sample, you have a general idea of what you like and what you don't like. And so by that theory, they would never suggest that you should just marry the first person you date. Oh no, God, no, see, and that's what I did. I married my first boyfriend.
00:22:05
Speaker 1: They say, date the first four.
00:22:06
Speaker 2: That is a problem, no matter what that feeling might be on number one, who gives a damn already made the decision. I am just dancing around these first four.
00:22:16
Speaker 3: That's so interesting. And I do feel like it's like I see younger folks doing this now.
00:22:21
Speaker 1: I think they've seen going around or.
00:22:23
Speaker 3: Yes, like for instance, my daughter is my oldest is Eve is what twenty three? Now we were both married at twenty three. I married my first boyfriend her father. But she, I think sees this, and I think a lot of young folks see that is a cautionary tale. We're not seeing kids get married. They are seeing what's out there. The problem I worry about is they're always going to be looking for that best or perfect person.
00:22:46
Speaker 1: I knew you were.
00:22:47
Speaker 2: I knew you were going to take me exactly to where I was gonna wrap up.
00:22:49
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's my fear, right, And this.
00:22:52
Speaker 2: Is the problem this mathematician, this is how he put it. If you go too far past that person, you'll end up with a worse option, or maybe no option at all. Yep, because it's right there there it is.
00:23:06
Speaker 1: And you keep thinking you're going.
00:23:07
Speaker 2: To get better because you already dated the first third. You actually know what you'rek and you don't like. And now as you continue to date, you find the person that's better than everything else, that has all those things, and you go ooof, maybe there's another.
00:23:21
Speaker 1: Rum I could do better.
00:23:22
Speaker 3: So the point I get it now from a mathematical standpoint, you've got a good sample, so you know you've sampled.
00:23:29
Speaker 1: And that's the thing I think.
00:23:30
Speaker 3: I look back and again, not about regret, but just to learn and understand that's it. I didn't give myself that opportunity or that time, and so I didn't know what I liked, and I didn't know what I didn't like, and I didn't know what I wanted.
00:23:43
Speaker 2: So plenty of people will explain it that way. From uh, I mean anecdotal evidence, from your friends you talked to, from folks to the bar, from experience, from we understand that this is a guy putting it in mathematical terms, that the law of probability. You have figured out what you like. Now you have enough experience to know the next thing that comes. Oh, this work, you have the confidence in knowing it. The problem is and this is how we put it. Stop searching before you're out of options. Wow, I'm telling you this thing blew my mind. Rose, It's fantastic.
00:24:18
Speaker 3: What a great, great article. So many, so many applications.
00:24:24
Speaker 2: Stop searching, and my favorite one robes that takes away And I will leave this one because you know this happens to us all the time. Looking for a movie on Netflix. Looking for a movie not just on Netflix. Oh, we have Amazon, we have HBO Max too, we have Hulu over here as well. We got Stars, We've got Prime video. We're trying to find a movie. How many times do I say it to you?
00:24:46
Speaker 1: Baby? Just stop? Just pick a movie. Just stop stop looking. What's happening. We spend too much time looking at for movies.
00:24:53
Speaker 2: And it's taking away from the experience of enjoying a movie with my fiance because we always that one looks good, Maybe we could find it better. Ooh, that one looks kind of cool. Maybe and you keep going and all of a sudden, now you know what do you think? Oh man, there's nothing on TV. Man, I'm bored. That's what happens. Make a choice. Once you set a standard for what's good enough for you, when you find it, pick it and stick with it and move on.
00:25:23
Speaker 1: I love love, love love love. Sorry, that is amazing.
00:25:28
Speaker 3: Well, we certainly hope it helps all of us actually make better decisions, have better relationships, and free up time for fun. Right, that's what it's all about. Enjoy your life, all right? With that, everyone, we always appreciate you listening to us. I made Robock alongside TJ.
00:25:45
Speaker 1: Holmes. We'll talk to you soon.
Speaker 1: Hey there, folks.
00:00:02
Speaker 2: It is Saturday, May sixteenth, and the secret to happiness has been found and it boils down to this, are you a maximizer or a satisfiser? And with that, welcome to this episode of Amy and TJ.
00:00:22
Speaker 1: Robes.
00:00:23
Speaker 2: The secret to happeness has been discovered. I am one hundred percent of believer in what they have figured out, Robes. I love this. I'm not over selling. I think this is it wow.
00:00:34
Speaker 1: And I actually full disclosure here.
00:00:36
Speaker 3: You asked me not to read the article because you wanted to have a little fun with this, and I'll be learning along with all of you listeners what the secret to happiness is and what those words were that he just said, what they mean maximiser and meister.
00:00:51
Speaker 1: Yes, well what was it? And it can't even repeat what you said?
00:00:55
Speaker 2: A maximizer, a maximizer or a satusfeiser?
00:00:59
Speaker 3: Okay, is peiser? That's where I got, meister, because there is speiser.
00:01:03
Speaker 2: So satis spicer is a combination of these two words satisfy and suffice, a sadus peisser. We will get into and explain. But this came to us. It has come from Sam as well, our producer.
00:01:15
Speaker 1: Uh No, I found this actually just this week.
00:01:17
Speaker 3: I actually saw a headline that said secret to Happiness, and I thought, hmm, this could be good. So I just, you know, you just copy and paste and stored this article away, but I didn't actually read it. I saved it for a rainy day. You actually clicked on it.
00:01:31
Speaker 2: I did. I went so deep into a dive on this thing, because you do see a lot of stuff that's clickbait. Secret of Happiness, secrete, Keita living Longer has been discovered, all kinds of stuff, and you click and it's just some BS. Correct, this was not BS. So the article you found it was from the New York Times and it was titled the Nobel winning Psychologist who believed he found the Secret to Success. It was written by an author by the name of David Epstein who was doing a guest essay. Before we get into it all, let me give you this bottom line, robes to Secret to Happiness. You are spoiling everything, every relationship, every experience, and every moment by wondering if something better is out there than the decision you've made.
00:02:15
Speaker 1: Wow, the grass is greener? Does that make sense?
00:02:18
Speaker 3: We drive ourselves crazy with comparison. Is the thief of joy is what people say. It sounds a little bit like that where you're always comparing or imagining a better life, a better partner, a better job, a better house, a better vacation, a better car, yes, a better life, and you're thinking someone else has it and you want it.
00:02:37
Speaker 2: This is the we've heard generally, and you and I have even studied some things along the way. We hear ideas of this put different ways of the way. You just put it. This is the best I've ever heard it put. This comes to us from a pioneering social scientist by the name of Herbert Simon, and the idea basically here is stop searching for the best when you're making a decision. Did you say that's a tendency we all have? All right, I need to go get a new computer. What's the best thing available?
00:03:05
Speaker 1: All right?
00:03:06
Speaker 2: I'm picking out fruit at the grocery store. Which one is the best orange? Let me pick it up and put it. Would you say, that's just generally what we do.
00:03:12
Speaker 1: Absolutely we all do it.
00:03:13
Speaker 2: Yes, Okay, something as simple as a restaurant. Would you say, man, I'm looking for the particular thing, the best thing, and certainly dating would you say, that's a mind set that people generally have. I'm looking for what is it the best? Just okay, I'm looking for this. I'm looking for what.
00:03:31
Speaker 3: No, you want the best, and then if you feel like you don't have it, or you feel like someone else has it, you imagine what it would how much better your life would be if you could have that.
00:03:40
Speaker 1: I think that's a big part of it.
00:03:42
Speaker 3: But yes, when you're dating and you're looking for your partner, I think that's the biggest decision we all make. It's the biggest decision you make that has the biggest impact on your happiness.
00:03:50
Speaker 1: For sure.
00:03:51
Speaker 3: Who you end up with absolutely is the biggest part of what your life looks like or how you feel about your life.
00:04:00
Speaker 2: And a part of this I'll mention now at the bottom, they do give a dating strategy. Strategy that's a matter of probability when it comes to decision making that you have to hear to believe. But yes, what you describe robes this doctor Herbert Simon, this social scientist, said that is the absolute wrong strategy, and that's what's making you unhappy. Your tendency to search for the best in decisions that you're making that this guy actually died in two thousand and one. Roads he did win a Nobel Prize in Economic sciences wow in never nineteen seventy eight. Now, his daughter was interviewed as a part of this, but she said he didn't just study this, he lived it. The man wore one brand of socks his entire adult life. He lived in the same house for forty six years. He had the same exact breakfast every single morning. They said, by taking out all these mundane decisions they're already been made, your mind is freed up for things that actually matter.
00:05:02
Speaker 1: I just got chills.
00:05:04
Speaker 3: Never ever considered that ever, because we're so busy trying to find what would be the best thing that we miss out on just being able to use our minds and our hearts for something better. You know what this reminds me of, though, It's funny, like I think about some of the things my parents instilled in me, and one of the things my mom used to get crazy when she would see You're sitting in a restaurant, right and you see parents bringing their young kids to a restaurant, which we really never got to go to.
00:05:34
Speaker 1: But as an adult, we've witnessed this and the kid, They're like, what do you want? Do you want this? Now? Do you want the chicken nut?
00:05:42
Speaker 3: No?
00:05:42
Speaker 1: Do you want the pizza?
00:05:43
Speaker 3: No?
00:05:43
Speaker 1: And we can sit there and listen, and my mom is like, too many choices? This is driving me hard.
00:05:48
Speaker 3: Parents are why are they giving their kids twelve choices? You tell them is the chicken nuggets or the pizza?
00:05:54
Speaker 1: Pick?
00:05:55
Speaker 3: And you don't give them the menu. And so when they're at a certain age. So we used to drive my mom and dad crazy. And I would hear them and I think I tried to do the same thing, like you give people too many choices, they get overwhelmed. But they were only talking about kids. Apparently it's for all of us.
00:06:09
Speaker 2: Okay, you're not looking at my rundown I put together here.
00:06:11
Speaker 1: You are taking.
00:06:12
Speaker 2: You are transistioning me exactly into the next thing. This is a key finding. You're unhappy because your mind can't really evaluate all the information necessary with your options to make a good decision. Anyway, we can't.
00:06:28
Speaker 1: Compute ropes so much. Is that you want to go buy a new TV?
00:06:32
Speaker 2: What do you wanna do? You want to go with LG, you want to go with Samsong, You want to go with sixty five inch, you want to go with fifty five inch. You want to get the one that has the built in monitor.
00:06:39
Speaker 1: It's plasma screen, the whatever.
00:06:41
Speaker 2: Yes, there are too many options. You cannot take in all the info. This is what they say. Try instead, find a good option, look at a few alternatives, make a choice, move on with your life.
00:06:55
Speaker 1: You know what is so funny.
00:06:57
Speaker 3: I do a lot of things wrong, but I will tell you, and I've always thought maybe this was a bad this is something I do that isn't good.
00:07:04
Speaker 1: I make quick decisions I make.
00:07:07
Speaker 3: I make gut instincts like I and a lot of the like because I know not about life big time things I'm saying like a car, an outfit, a pair of shoes. I tend to just say, you know what, it's good enough. I do, And then sometimes I look.
00:07:22
Speaker 1: Then I regret, like I should. I should have planned more, I should have looked more. I should have considered more options. I should. But I do make quick decisions.
00:07:30
Speaker 2: You're taking me actually into another thing. We're going to hit on good enough, good enough and settling end up getting mixed up. And this is why people have a problem. Damn, you are taking me right through this thing.
00:07:42
Speaker 1: One more thing on your guy, look at the computer screen again.
00:07:46
Speaker 2: The one more thing on our guy. Herbert Simon is I told you ate the same breakfast, same house, saying brand of socks his daughter, and speaking on this article in New York Times, said he actually only had three sets of clothes, as what he believed at least three of clothes, the one you're wearing, the one in the hamper, and the one hanging up in the closet ready to go. That's all you need. It's a sent Well, most people can't live that way.
00:08:11
Speaker 1: I was trying to imagine.
00:08:12
Speaker 2: No, no, no, there's no way, but there is. Even if you can't go with that, it doesn't seem reasonable. It is quite frankly understandable. Why do you need more than that? How many more decisions are you trying to make? I understand people want to look, But it's just the point that he was making, You know.
00:08:28
Speaker 3: What brings me to I remember thinking there was so much peace in my house with my two daughters because through eighth grade they went to this little Catholic school here in Manhattan, and they had uniforms.
00:08:41
Speaker 1: Every day they had to wear.
00:08:43
Speaker 3: The same thing, and it was the same thing as everyone else, and life was simple when when and then Annelie's had she had.
00:08:50
Speaker 1: A uniform all the way through high school. But when Ava got to high school, she went to public high school and just to what do I wear?
00:08:56
Speaker 3: The stress of what she was wearing and how it would be com heard to others, and it was a completely different scenario versus a uniform. It made things simple, easy and peaceful.
00:09:09
Speaker 1: Rope.
00:09:10
Speaker 2: I gave a couple of scenarios earlier. I won't come up with one better than what you just described. How was the mourning for analyse versus the morning for Ava? How was the how was getting to school and meeting up with friends in the morning ib for Ava eyeballing what everybody else was wearing and anat least not having that stress she was Analyst was freed up for other things. Ava's mind is still caught up in. That is a perfect example exactly what they're talking about. And you saw it in your own house.
00:09:37
Speaker 1: I did.
00:09:38
Speaker 2: With a decision that had to be made every day versus one that was already made.
00:09:42
Speaker 1: That's kind of amazing.
00:09:43
Speaker 2: Okay, So the status feisser versus the maximizer. So the guy coined the phrame's satisficing to be satisfied and have it suffice. Satisficer versus A maximizer is the person who thinks you can find the best if we look hard enough and long enough.
00:10:04
Speaker 3: You know what. I look at this with verbos too, You and I going back and forth trying to pick where we're going to stay when.
00:10:10
Speaker 1: We go on vacation. It's true.
00:10:12
Speaker 3: If you just can be a satisficer, you get your decision made much quicker.
00:10:16
Speaker 1: It's not stressful.
00:10:17
Speaker 3: Yeah, there might be a better house somewhere for a better value, but you know what, the amount of time it is going to take to find it makes you so annoyed and frustrated.
00:10:27
Speaker 1: That it's not worth it.
00:10:28
Speaker 2: Which one are you?
00:10:29
Speaker 1: Oh, I'm a satisficer?
00:10:30
Speaker 2: Thanks? So really?
00:10:31
Speaker 1: I do? I do think I am?
00:10:33
Speaker 3: I Actually I lean more towards saying it's good enough, and I'd rather protect my piece.
00:10:38
Speaker 2: Maximizers tend to be less satisfied with their decisions and with their lives.
00:10:45
Speaker 3: Wow, because they always think they could have done better, or they could find better.
00:10:50
Speaker 2: And you know what's not helping is social media because you are seeing a perfectly put together image of somebody else's life, you know what yours is, So you always, no matter what you have, you always think and you can pick up your phone and see that somebody has better, more, or whatever it may be. And you're never ever going to be satisfied as a maximizer.
00:11:18
Speaker 1: Yeah, and I think we all do that.
00:11:19
Speaker 3: Like I'm not saying that I don't do that, and I haven't been there, and I don't find myself there. I think now hearing something like this, you can recognize it and stop and say I'm going to stop. I'm going to be a satisficer right now, and it's going to be good enough and I'm going to be happy.
00:11:35
Speaker 2: So this is the pushback you get from maximizers often because we hate the idea of settling, like I'm settling for something, right. We hear that in relationships all the time.
00:11:44
Speaker 1: I'm not going to settle no matter what I've settled, damn it. Yes, but you can.
00:11:50
Speaker 2: Apply it to damn near everything. So folks hate the idea. Nope, this sounds like you're settling. Why shouldn't I go out there and get the best, And why shouldn't I go out there and fight and make sure I have the best here's the problem, Ropes. There's a difference between settling and also accepting what's good enough for you. There's a standard you can set of I want the best, or your standard could be this is acceptable for me, and when you find that thing, stop fucking looking. Yeah, stop right there, And that's the key to being happy in life.
00:12:26
Speaker 1: Which one are you?
00:12:27
Speaker 2: I think I'm one hundred percent satisfy, sir. I'm You've been around me plenty, and Ropes, you see me be very thorough. And but once I'm thorough, I'm not worried about because I know what I want. We did this week. We bought a truck not too long ago. I knew exactly that's true. We want it, sure, But you handed that thing off to me and said, TJ, you got a different standard for what we're going to do.
00:12:51
Speaker 1: Because whatever was good enough for you.
00:12:54
Speaker 2: Whatever. Yes, I had a standard, Ropes. As soon as we found what I said was good enough, done deal Yep, it was done.
00:13:03
Speaker 3: That's true. But you have to come to that decision and then operate from that place.
00:13:08
Speaker 2: Because I wasn't trying to find the best truck that was out there. I was trying to find the one that meet the standard that was okay for us, and as soon as we find it, we didn't go, oh, okay, well maybe we look around at this other thing. Well, maybe we can find one that has an extra this. Nope, move forward, straight ahead. So that's a satisfy sir. Here's the key. If you set a standard of what's good enough for you and stick to it, you'll be satisfied with your choices. If your standing is the best out there, you'll never be satisfied with whatever choice you make, because the best is the enemy of the good.
00:13:43
Speaker 3: Wow, the best is the enemy of the good. That is a powerful statement that I have never heard put that way before.
00:13:52
Speaker 2: Okay, Robes, I swear I'm not twenty years old standing in the control room at UATV, my senior year. Bob Steele, the news director at KATV at ABC. There for journalism days. They bring in all these professionals to mingle with the kids who are going to be graduating. Maybe you'll find a job. He was looking at my resume tape and looking at a peace of mine, and he was talking to me and then hearing my voice sound different in the piece, and he said, why are you doing like that? You're trying to pronounce and see it to be very perfectly. He said, never let perfect get in the way of good. I was twenty years old. That has been with me my entire life.
00:14:31
Speaker 1: You say it all the time, and I never thought about it. But that is this theory.
00:14:35
Speaker 2: And when you came in this mind, I said, Rose, we got dog. I'm losing my mind.
00:14:40
Speaker 1: Validation. I was losing my mind. It makes perfect sense. But we get into this where did we get it?
00:14:46
Speaker 2: Rose? That everything has to be perfect, or that you're settling if you're not getting the absolute best thing out there or the best person out there. You're always looking for something better when what's right in front of you actually what you wanted and is damn good.
00:15:00
Speaker 1: Why do we do that? I don't know, that's the answer. I don't know.
00:15:04
Speaker 3: I know that my mom used to tell me this, and she had a lot I look back down and I think, wow, I should have followed that advice a little bit more. But she used to always say, stop looking around the room for someone better. There's always going and even when you think about yourself and how you regard yourself, there is always going to be someone in the room who's prettier, who's smarter, who's richer, who's friendlier, who's funnier? Like that's always going to be, So just accept who you are, stop comparing.
00:15:32
Speaker 2: Oh that is amazing, And Robes, you're going to take me right into this break because Robes has teed me up perfectly for how I have chosen to end this episode. And it comes with two things. One, you've liked a lot of the quotes I've used so far in here, Robes. The next one is going to top it all and bring it all home, I assure you. And then the other there is a mathematical equation that they say will increase your chances of finding the person you're going to be with, should be with, and going to be happy with Robes. You ain't gonna believe this one's they here all right? We continue here on this maximizer versus satisficer episode of Amy and TJ or is that we just said in the break there to each other, this is the simplest stuff, and we just can't adhere to it. So often.
00:16:33
Speaker 3: It's exciting though, because sometimes it takes an article like this we get into folks who spend their lives studying happiness, joy peace.
00:16:42
Speaker 1: And I know a lot of people get to a place in.
00:16:44
Speaker 3: Their lives where you start reading these self help books and you're trying to figure out why you're unhappy, or why you're not settled, or why you're just you're still craving something that you can't figure out. And so I get excited when you hear something that makes perfect sense, but you hadn't about it that way, where you didn't have this is It gives you a framework with which to build your daily routine and your mental routine. And I do love getting this kind of guidance because it is simple and it's so easy to put in practice if you just make it a part of your daily practice.
00:17:21
Speaker 2: There are a lot of books out there, roes are plenty on the shelf right here behind us, right This is one article that just gives one tool if you're just mindful about it. This is one of the best things I have seen. Rose. There's a lot of self help, a lot of stuff, a lot of clickbaiting.
00:17:35
Speaker 3: This was a small little op ed in the New York Times is like midweek, So this is so cool.
00:17:39
Speaker 2: I want to give him credit one more time. His name is David Epstein, he's an author, but it was a guest essay in the New York Times. The Nobel winning psychologist who believed he found the secret to happiness Ropes. He quoted another psychologist in this article that put it this way, and this is the one you can really take with you quote. By investing in the choice you made instead of focusing on what better option might come later, A great deal of energy gets freed up for living instead of being spent on wondering how to live.
00:18:15
Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, can you say that one more time?
00:18:17
Speaker 2: Bro the ant? A great deal of energy gets freed up for living instead of being spent on wondering how to live?
00:18:24
Speaker 3: You know what, God, I just got chills because something that has always stuck with me. And I find myself doing this as I think we all do, and I remind myself stop saying what if, should have, could have? If only those phrases in whatever form they take, will cause you more harm than anything else, because it's silly. You can't what good comes of that nothing. But somehow we all ruminate and we start trying to see what we could have done, what we should have done, And it just makes you crazy. We are our own worst enemies period.
00:19:05
Speaker 2: Hear me say that all the time when something goes until I said, well I could I that could have, would have, should have automia didn't, didn't.
00:19:12
Speaker 1: Let's move on, won't stop. Just just move.
00:19:15
Speaker 2: On and let this go. But you were talking about the dating and another good example, Robes, I just thought of. But consider the dating apps. You swipe, Oh my gosh, oh that guy looks great. I should check you know what, Let me swipe might be something better. You keep swiping, and you keep swiping. He's good, but next guy might be better. Next guy might be better. You keep swiping, You keep swiping, and keep swiping. So I will leave you with this. In the article, they did quote the sky a mathematician of all things named John Alan Paulos, and he had an equation. He had a mathematical equation for how you should date. And this Robes is going. It goes in line with what we've been talking about. But he said, this is your best chance of finding love and happiness. One estimate how many people you could date in your lifetime. Now, if you think about that as an adult, what would you just say? In general, you're starting your adult dating at twenty one throughout until I don't know, forty or or the next ten years. You're no people you're going to actually date.
00:20:13
Speaker 1: So you're not you're not coupled ups. Like from like, how.
00:20:17
Speaker 2: Many people do you think you generally would date throughout your adult life.
00:20:23
Speaker 1: Without being in a serious relationship? Yeah, okay, Oh.
00:20:26
Speaker 2: It could be a few months, it could be whatever it is. But just somebody you're legitiminely dating.
00:20:30
Speaker 1: I mean I would say, you know, an adult it does.
00:20:34
Speaker 2: Okay, let's go with that number a doesn't you know what that's a good number. Let's go with a dozen, all right, So he says, find that number first, take that number. Let's go at twelve. A third of that would be what four people?
00:20:47
Speaker 1: All right?
00:20:47
Speaker 2: So now they say date a third of that number with no intention of committing. So four people you're gonna date and your door like, just date them, have no intention of having a good time with the idea that all you're doing is getting an idea of what you like and what you don't like.
00:21:08
Speaker 1: Wow, like to have no intention.
00:21:10
Speaker 2: Don't don't put that string you say it all the time, expectations.
00:21:13
Speaker 1: Right, oh yes, so don't put that on it.
00:21:16
Speaker 2: The goal at the end, I am just gonna date these four people to see what I like and they don't like. Now, after you get through that third, commit to the very next person you like better than anyone else you've dated. Wow, the very next person after those first four that you date, And it could be two down the road, five down the road, it could you don't know. The very next person you date better than everybody else you've dated, that's your one.
00:21:48
Speaker 3: Because you've had a sample, you have a general idea of what you like and what you don't like. And so by that theory, they would never suggest that you should just marry the first person you date. Oh no, God, no, see, and that's what I did. I married my first boyfriend.
00:22:05
Speaker 1: They say, date the first four.
00:22:06
Speaker 2: That is a problem, no matter what that feeling might be on number one, who gives a damn already made the decision. I am just dancing around these first four.
00:22:16
Speaker 3: That's so interesting. And I do feel like it's like I see younger folks doing this now.
00:22:21
Speaker 1: I think they've seen going around or.
00:22:23
Speaker 3: Yes, like for instance, my daughter is my oldest is Eve is what twenty three? Now we were both married at twenty three. I married my first boyfriend her father. But she, I think sees this, and I think a lot of young folks see that is a cautionary tale. We're not seeing kids get married. They are seeing what's out there. The problem I worry about is they're always going to be looking for that best or perfect person.
00:22:46
Speaker 1: I knew you were.
00:22:47
Speaker 2: I knew you were going to take me exactly to where I was gonna wrap up.
00:22:49
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's my fear, right, And this.
00:22:52
Speaker 2: Is the problem this mathematician, this is how he put it. If you go too far past that person, you'll end up with a worse option, or maybe no option at all. Yep, because it's right there there it is.
00:23:06
Speaker 1: And you keep thinking you're going.
00:23:07
Speaker 2: To get better because you already dated the first third. You actually know what you'rek and you don't like. And now as you continue to date, you find the person that's better than everything else, that has all those things, and you go ooof, maybe there's another.
00:23:21
Speaker 1: Rum I could do better.
00:23:22
Speaker 3: So the point I get it now from a mathematical standpoint, you've got a good sample, so you know you've sampled.
00:23:29
Speaker 1: And that's the thing I think.
00:23:30
Speaker 3: I look back and again, not about regret, but just to learn and understand that's it. I didn't give myself that opportunity or that time, and so I didn't know what I liked, and I didn't know what I didn't like, and I didn't know what I wanted.
00:23:43
Speaker 2: So plenty of people will explain it that way. From uh, I mean anecdotal evidence, from your friends you talked to, from folks to the bar, from experience, from we understand that this is a guy putting it in mathematical terms, that the law of probability. You have figured out what you like. Now you have enough experience to know the next thing that comes. Oh, this work, you have the confidence in knowing it. The problem is and this is how we put it. Stop searching before you're out of options. Wow, I'm telling you this thing blew my mind. Rose, It's fantastic.
00:24:18
Speaker 3: What a great, great article. So many, so many applications.
00:24:24
Speaker 2: Stop searching, and my favorite one robes that takes away And I will leave this one because you know this happens to us all the time. Looking for a movie on Netflix. Looking for a movie not just on Netflix. Oh, we have Amazon, we have HBO Max too, we have Hulu over here as well. We got Stars, We've got Prime video. We're trying to find a movie. How many times do I say it to you?
00:24:46
Speaker 1: Baby? Just stop? Just pick a movie. Just stop stop looking. What's happening. We spend too much time looking at for movies.
00:24:53
Speaker 2: And it's taking away from the experience of enjoying a movie with my fiance because we always that one looks good, Maybe we could find it better. Ooh, that one looks kind of cool. Maybe and you keep going and all of a sudden, now you know what do you think? Oh man, there's nothing on TV. Man, I'm bored. That's what happens. Make a choice. Once you set a standard for what's good enough for you, when you find it, pick it and stick with it and move on.
00:25:23
Speaker 1: I love love, love love love. Sorry, that is amazing.
00:25:28
Speaker 3: Well, we certainly hope it helps all of us actually make better decisions, have better relationships, and free up time for fun. Right, that's what it's all about. Enjoy your life, all right? With that, everyone, we always appreciate you listening to us. I made Robock alongside TJ.
00:25:45
Speaker 1: Holmes. We'll talk to you soon.