Aug. 15, 2026
The Secret To Happiness: FEELING Loved… So Here’s How To Get More Love In Your Life!
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RSS Feed A researcher in the science of happiness has written a book that teaches us all how to feel more loved. Professor Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky says previous research on happiness has focused on the love we feel FOR others, but she makes the argument that what truly makes us happy is the love we feel FROM others. How do we get that feeling? By changing our conversations. If we intentionally have conversations where we listen to learn, where we don’t interrupt or give advice or turn the topic to ourselves, our partners will feel more loved and, in turn, will become more willing and even eager to do the same for you.
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00:00:02
Speaker 1: Hey, that evokes It is Saturday, August fifteenth. Have you ever wondered and have you ever even asked somebody what is the secret to happiness? Did you get a good answer? Well, we have a good one for you this morning, and it might be the most definitive one we have ever heard. And with that, welcome to this episode of Amy and TJ, an episode brought to you by Amy Robot, who brought this story to my attention. But Robes, we hear it all the time. You want to ask you what's the secret? Who's the secret to happiness? This was a damn good answer, Robes. Have you had a better answer than this?
00:00:41
Speaker 2: No? Because I think it was an honest answer. Okay, I think a lot of times we talk about it's you know, the love you have for other people or the love you have for yourself, and all of that can make sense. Sure love is usually involved with being happy. Right you want to sure either be giving love or your secure and your loving to yourself, positive thinking, gratitude, a sense of control, something to look forward to. I've heard all sorts of different ideas about what makes you happy.
00:01:14
Speaker 1: Don't they throw in there? A lot of time being philanthropic. Anytime you're down or I'm back, go help somebody else, Go help contribute. All these things were told, Robes. You brought this to my attention, and I say it sounds cool reading into it more. The reason this wouldn't have made sense to me when I was twenty seven interesting, I've been there and done that and live this now. Yes, this is Robes. Is hits hard. It's honest, this hits hard. So the secret to happiness, Robes lies in our ability to feel loved. Now that sounds simple, feeling loved. And the first thing I think, Robes is it's fair to say feeling love sounds like, well, I need to get something from the outside. But the key to this, Robes is it gives you a formula for being in control actually of the love you receive. I love this shit.
00:02:16
Speaker 2: Because look and that it makes sense because because we want to feel in control. We want to think that what we do, what we say, how we act, has an impact, an intended impact. Correct, But we don't know how to do it. We don't know what we're saying, we don't know what we're feeling. We're a mess out there, and so we're we're not focused on happiness, and we're not focused on how we actually receive love. We're focused on trying to be loved, but by maybe controlling the other person or by controlling the environment we're in. And every therapist I've ever spoken to, or I've ever read anything from will tell you you can't get joy from outside sources. So it was I was really interested to see what this leading researcher in the science of happiness.
00:03:05
Speaker 1: It's a real thing.
00:03:06
Speaker 2: It is. How cool is that?
00:03:08
Speaker 1: And well researched. Actually, this is a very big area of research.
00:03:12
Speaker 2: It is, and so I love this. She said that people who want to feel more loved, they usually take one of two approaches that aren't affected.
00:03:20
Speaker 1: And if we do this in relationships right if you're in a relationship with relationship with somebody right now and you want to feel more love, there are two things you're going to do.
00:03:28
Speaker 2: I'm going to fix myself or or I'm going to fix my partner.
00:03:31
Speaker 1: Yes, simpol So I need to change what about me? If I was nicer, if I was sweeter, if I did this differently, if I dressed better, if I follow these things, all these things, then then I would be a more lovable person, yes, or the other way. You know what, this idiot doesn't know how to how to love me.
00:03:51
Speaker 2: So I'm going to tell him my love language. I'm going to explain to him what I need to feel loved. I need acts of service, I need physical touch, and then then I'll feel more loved because he'll love me the way I want to be loved.
00:04:04
Speaker 1: Have you applied this? Have you done this? Do people do this? Does this make sense?
00:04:07
Speaker 2: Right? Absolutely? And I think that's where for me. When I started reading this, it was like, Yep, I've done that, Yep, I've thought that, and Nope, it hasn't worked.
00:04:20
Speaker 1: The thing. It seems odd to be able to control how you're loved and how much of it you get. But this is how they explain it. The right way to go about this. Folks, don't change yourself. You need to change the conversation. And we're gonna get well into that. But Robes just came about because you tracked down an article. It was in the Times. It was focused on this particular author and this researcher you talked about. Yeah, who did have a new book that came out this year, the title You Have to.
00:04:50
Speaker 2: Feel Loved how to feel loved. It's just like our tacos and tequila, Like you know exactly what you're getting when you pick up that book. And honestly, if I hadn't seen this book, I probably would have pulled it off the shelf. How many people would love to be loved? Everyone?
00:05:03
Speaker 1: How to feel love? It sounds like an outside It sounds like an outside solution, yes, but how to feel Where am I supposed to get? This stuff fries in.
00:05:13
Speaker 2: The face of everything I've been trained to think and believe about happiness. But the interesting thing is, it isn't how to get loved. It isn't how to be loved. It's how to feel loved. Someone can love you, and it just might not be hitting the way it's supposed to. And I have experienced this, I'm sure you have too, where you know that that person probably loves you, but you don't feel loved by them.
00:05:38
Speaker 1: Okay, ding Ding the frickin' ding Robes, This is wild. We've talked about this a lot over the year, surely, but even recently I think this has come up. Robes, this idea that people feel they're in a relationship for what it can bring to them and not what they're supposed to be contributing to a unity, to a family, to a partnership. This flies in the face of that Robes and I think it's something perfectly digestible. But this simple concept, if you want to feel more loved, that person that you want the love from needs to feel more loved by you sit with that.
00:06:19
Speaker 2: And it makes perfect sense. And she gives very specific, step by step instructions on how to change this, how to make this happen well Rapes.
00:06:32
Speaker 1: Does that make sense, yes, but we don't. We do not. Some people heard that and are pushing back to where why do I have to do anything today? We always think we're just deserving of it. It should just come. I don't have to explain. I don't have to do anything. I am wonderful. If you're not loving me right, that's on you.
00:06:49
Speaker 2: I deserve better. How many times do we see are we here? In all of these relationship shows we love to watch. The big thing is when someone isn't feeling loved then and say I deserve this, I deserve that, I should be treated this way, I should be treated that way, absolutely pointing the finger at why they don't feel loved. But it starts with you. I love this because it is empowering. It does start with you, the individual who needs and wants to feel more loved.
00:07:21
Speaker 1: I think it's I love this concept, Robes that you still do have control. You don't have to sit around and wait for the right person to come along again, I have to sit and wait for anybody to act right. You can actively do this. And when they went back Robes, we said, how do you feel this love? How are you supposed to do this? Like we said, you need to change the conversation. What are we talking about that person that you need to or want to feel more love from. You need to change the conversation you're having with that person. And it's a very simple concept, Robes. When you have a conversation with this person, you need to start practicing this listening to learn. I love this.
00:07:59
Speaker 2: This is you know, jam I love this. And she points out that a lot of us think that we're pretty good listeners, or we at least try to be. But if you're really actually being honest with yourself, how often do you sit there and wait for your turn to speak? I mean, I fully admit I struggle with that. You know, I do you're waiting to bring your thoughts into it or give your advice, and that is not the mindset you should have listening to learn. So instead of focusing on your response what you're going to say next, your focus should be on understanding this.
00:08:38
Speaker 1: Is very simple stuff. And the reason you know I was going crazy with this article is because this is what I practice and I preach, and it served me so well and I love it and I learned it very early on. You just have to stop. Well, I've done this with you in this studio plenty of times, and I do it all the time. You look at me like I'm joking, or you're like no, no, no, no, I don't want to bother you. You start talking to me. I stop everything I'm doing, I stop typing, I stop looking at the computer, I take all AirPods out, and I lean into the table and I listen to what you're saying. And if it's a small or something, you get embarrassed like, ooh, you don't have to do all that.
00:09:17
Speaker 2: I just wanted to exactly. I'm like, you don't have to stop what you're doing. I just wanted to alert you about something.
00:09:22
Speaker 1: But the thing they're saying Robes is that's all you have to do is be attentive, make eye contact, lean in, and actually listen to that person, not because you have something to say, but you're actually trying to comprehend, learn something, and understand something. If you start with that concept, it changes everything.
00:09:43
Speaker 2: I love it, and you go into conversations with intention where you actually say, I am genuinely going to focus on what this person is saying to me, and it's rare. It's rare, but she even says, ask yourself when someone when you feel seen, when you feel understood, you're so much more willing to see the other person, to understand the other person, to listen to the other person, to be genuinely interested in the other person because you felt listened to and understood and seen and validated. When someone makes you feel that way, there is no greater joy, and you are so much more willing and actually excited to return.
00:10:26
Speaker 1: That which is love, which is going to come back to you as love and you feeling love by doing the simplest of tasks, Robe Robes is just to listen to someone, make them feel cared for, important, validated. You don't have to go out and get flowers fellas. You don't have to send cards, there's no gifts, you don't have to book a trip. She's talking. Listen to her, look at her and listen and ask a follow up robes, this is just something I happen. I am all about this and I did not know there was an area of research.
00:11:04
Speaker 2: And in the follow up, I love how she said there are three words that you should say, at least a version of this after someone's talking to you, and you can get it from Greece, tell me more, tell me more, tell me more, tell me more. Maybe so this is pretty cool, but they say, like you actually making a decision to do this is going to change your life, first of all, and they say to focus on one relationship at a time. So pick the person who maybe you want to feel more loved by, and you pick that person and you make a decision, you say I'm going to choose, and then you become intentional about it and you'll get better at it. It does take practice, especially when say me spent the last five decades not being intentional. Yes, I know I need to listen more. I'm very much aware of that. I know this is a problem area in my life. And then choose the one person who you want to then feel that love.
00:12:04
Speaker 1: They've made clear of this is not a one size fits all. Don't decide Okay, I'm gonna change my life and I'm going to start doing this thing start because people are different. Frankly, and the other thing Robes they've mentioned is that maybe you will figure out that some people shouldn't be in your life. Can you have you even in practicing this, you might find yourself I really don't give a damn about what this person is saying.
00:12:26
Speaker 2: Yes, it actually will clarify. Yeah, you're curious of your relationships and you might actually just be able to pare down your social circle to the people who actually you really want to receive love from. And that's pretty interesting. But they actually she actually gives you like homework and say, okay, if you want to do this in the next week, take three conversations where you choose to actually show real curiosity, where you're actually leaning in, you're listening, tell me more, and you lift that person up. You'll see it in their eyes, in their face, in their expression that they are receiving love and they're going to feel great and they're going to give it back.
00:13:10
Speaker 1: Think about how that feels robes when somebody's paying attention, and they might be paying attention, or you think they're paying attention, but then it's confirmed when you stop talking and they ask a follow up about something you mentioned at the very beginning of what you were saying. Oh, they were listening, they remembered that robes. It changes everything in the dynamic we talk. Who is the awe or comment the Bill Clinton? Yes, reference you used and I didn't know that that was in there. I have told this story countless times in my life.
00:13:40
Speaker 2: Yes, so you have talked about President Clinton and how he makes people feel and just obviously he is somebody who has incredible charisma. But it's pretty specific. And yes, one of the comments on this article said, I have several times read that President Clinton made anyone he was talking to feel as though they were the only person in the room. I've been trying to do the same thing for more than a decade, and wow, it has completely changed my world.
00:14:09
Speaker 1: So this, I thought, this person, So they didn't. They just heard about it.
00:14:12
Speaker 2: They hadn't met him, right, Okay, they just heard about it and decided to emulate him. I watched him and they But you actually met him and had the exact same response.
00:14:20
Speaker 1: Twenty I was twenty two, maybe twenty two. I was working in Little Rock Robes. I was there from two thousand and two thousand and three. There was an event that took place there. How excited am I as a twenty two year old whatever getting a chance to go hang out at some event with Bill Clinton? And he did a little press conference thing and he was mingling in the room. He came back to where the reporters were, a small room, elbowed, elbow to elbow, and I'm up on this stand in the back where the reporters are, and he came back. I don't know how I ended up talking to him about whatever it was, Robes. There is nobody that was more important to him in that moment than me. I'm sitting here looking at you still.
00:15:00
Speaker 2: Remembering that moment and how it made you feel.
00:15:03
Speaker 1: I cannot believe this important guy doesn't give a damn about anything else going on and Roase. From that moment at twenty two, it changed how I functioned the rest of my public life. And I hope and I certainly do believe it is serves me well, but roades the places I go, you've gone places with me, and then somebody will say, yeah, when I was in high school, you did d da da, Like really I did? I don't remember this. All of our security guys that the guys who are not high on the totem pole, I spend the most time with and just stopping and focusing and he I learned that. I swear to God, baby, I learned this and I practiced it because Clinton taught me that very early and observing roabes. This is everything, and you see me do it with you. I've heard all of your stories at this point.
00:15:52
Speaker 2: You have and everything I can bring up on that you don't know.
00:15:55
Speaker 1: And every time you tell it, I set up well, maybe there'll be a detail here I've never heard before and I'll have to ask her about you all. I am telling you this is everything. It is the simplest thing to do. It is not hard to do. Consciously, just listen to someone with the intent of not contributing to the conversation or letting them hear how you feel about it or giving any advice. But every time somebody speaks to you, it requires a follow up. There's something. If you're curious, you go, really what time of day was that? Or what restaurant was it? Why'd you go there today? Oh? What happened to your mom?
00:16:33
Speaker 2: Or what?
00:16:34
Speaker 1: There's always something, Robes. It feels like everything to us person to make was aligned. People never forget how you make them feel.
00:16:41
Speaker 2: Yes, they might forget what you said, they might forget what you did, but they'll never forget how you made them feel. And when you make people feel seen and validated and loved, yes they eagerly return it. And look, she points out, if they don't, that also is really good information to know because that might not be someone you want in your life. And that actually is valuable in and of itself because you learn that sometimes we actually focus in on and are choosing the wrong person who we want to feel more love by, and it just might not be in them. It might not be the right person for you, And employing this tactic in your life actually will make things more obvious.
00:17:21
Speaker 1: That's it, Robes. This is this is a good way to we eat folks. The very simple thing. Do you actually sit there and think, I really don't I don't care, I'm not curious, I'm trying. Actually right now, this just might not might not be the person for you. I absolutely love this and you know I do. But stay here, folks. There is a very simple analogy that they use, having to do with a children's playground that could help you understand why this is such an effective tool. Also, there are some tips that they give for being yes, a better listener.
00:18:03
Speaker 2: Welcome back everyone to Amy and TJ. We hope you were listening because that is the key to feeling more love. And if you feel loved, you are almost certainly going to be happy. Look, everyone is in pursuit of finding more joy, finding happiness. And yes, we've been told by everyone to not look for that outside of you, that it's within you that you're the only one who can actually make yourself happy. However, we're not taking that away because that is true. But there are things you can do that you are in control of that will absolutely make you feel more loved. And in turn, so will your partner, So will your friend, so will your relative.
00:18:55
Speaker 1: You know, no, I'm worried anybody going to take this advice and run out and tell their partner need to listen to me more. You know how you need to do it. You need to do it like this.
00:19:04
Speaker 2: No, you lead the way you start doing it and then watch people change, watch people change. It's kind of cool. I'm excited about about putting this into practice and actually watching relationships get better.
00:19:19
Speaker 1: You mentioned the word of practice, and that's what they say it take. So how am I supposed to become a better listener? They literally ropes. They say, you need to practice this. You need to be conscious as you're going about next conversation. You have sit there consciously think, be aware of what you're doing, and listen to that person as I'm trying to understand something. I'm trying to learn something, and then I'm going to have a follow up to something they say, or it's everything. I just I promise you, folks, you will see a change in the person sitting across from you if you just stop what you're doing, put the phone down, look into their eyes, even interrupt to ask a question. Don't interrupt because you you have something brilliant you want to say, want to interject your own personal story, but robes. When somebody says something I do this, that you've seen me do this all the time, I say, oh, I've apologized in meetings like I'm sorry, but you brought something up that triggered a question, and I could save it to the end or do it along the way. What do you prefer, like, just sit up and pay attention and be aware, Robes. It changes everything. It changes everything, Robes. This is I don't preach it necessarily. I guess we haven't gone on and done our own episode about this, but this has now given me permission. I feel validated, Robes. I am all about this the simplest things in human relation. And don't even get me started on applying this to politics, applying this to people you don't agree with, applying this to somebody on the other side of the aisle or whatever it may be. Just listen to them, no matter what they might be spewing. Well, don't you want to understand how you how did you get to that place that you hate trans people? Like what happened? And I use that example, but I'm saying, just stop and listen for a second instead of just condemning. I love this. We will absolutely get this researcher on, yes.
00:21:11
Speaker 2: Because this is years and years of research. But it makes so much sense. And look, you mentioned that you could interrupt with a question perhaps, but one of the main things you and this is where I have been working on it. I have gotten better. I still have work to do, but not interrupting people that do not interrupt, And it's just a bad rude habit, especially when you're interrupting about what bringing the conversation back to yourself, or offering advice without being asked what you think about something. Those are two major notes lost.
00:21:44
Speaker 1: People do that ego.
00:21:46
Speaker 2: Driven, and you know, I do think look from as someone who has been a habitual interruptor, and certainly I've turned the conversation back to myself plenty of times. I think a lot of times, yes, one hundred percent, it is ego. But I think you think I'm connecting, I'm contributing. I'm I'm saying, oh me too, and we're in this together. And I've had that same experience and that's part of what it is. But truly it takes away from that person's experience period.
00:22:15
Speaker 1: This is wild, you know how. This is just one of those things. For me. It's like standing on an escalator right as far as my biggest well, you're not.
00:22:23
Speaker 2: Like the others. If you see TJ on an escalator, start walking, he cannot, he goes. It's not a ride but I actually think sometimes it doesn't break, it's.
00:22:33
Speaker 1: Not being This is another one of those things in life. Just people stop interrupting, listen to someone, ask a follow up about someone, and it does. Is one of the kindest things you can do. But we can all do it today. The person at the checkout line when they bringing you in, when they you say how you doing, and they just say, I'm good, it's okay to follow it. How many time you heard me say like, really, that's all you got? It wasn't very convincing. You sure everything is all right? You just that means you were listening to them and you.
00:23:07
Speaker 2: Care about them. You're not just making small talk.
00:23:09
Speaker 1: But you're proving that you matter to me to the point that I can do the simplest thing, which is listen. I love this so much.
00:23:19
Speaker 2: You mentioned the school yard analogy.
00:23:21
Speaker 1: Oh I got the sea saw. Did you like this?
00:23:23
Speaker 2: Yes?
00:23:23
Speaker 1: It makes sense right. Imagine a sea saw. Everybody's been on sea saw before. How does the seesaw work? The other person goes up when you come down, when you put your weight down, this was the thing they were saying. Roll this idea. You lift them up with the weight of your attention. And genuine curiosity. You are so into this person. The weight of all of that lifts them up. And this researcher used a seesaw analogy. Look at it that way, you're literally lifting them in the air.
00:23:52
Speaker 2: I love that. But the simplest that's empowering not only to them but for you as well. And look, I've started to check myself. I start, I hear myself, Oh my god, I just turned the conversation back to me. Shame on you, Amy, and then immediately redirect. You're gonna make mistakes. And I have been, actually before this article, before I even read this, have been trying to take notes seeing myself, watching myself do things out of whatever, have it ego, you name it, even maybe excitement or passion, and I forget that that person was telling their story, and so I have. But it's okay, you're gonna it's not gonna. You're not gonna be perfect, but just having the intention and knowing it's something you want to work on will make a tremendous difference in all of your relationships, which will therefore make a tremendous difference in your level of personal happiness.
00:24:43
Speaker 1: It will, so, folks, the key to happiness. Shut up. Oh no, get curious, Get curious. We talked. Oh my god, from the Burnsteins of the world Gaby Bury's this is be curious. Oh this is great, rogues. Part two of this is coming up. I don't know if it is, but this is a great one. Thank you for bringing it to my attention. As often as the case, you'll give me a headline or something you say, ah, you're into that. I don't know. I need to look into it. And I look into it, and I'm as fired up. You understold this one, baby.
00:25:13
Speaker 2: Well, and I'm excited you were into it because I knew and I know that this is your bread and butter. This is how you operate. I actually didn't even know that. Hilariously, the first comment would be attributing it back to Bill Clinton, who I know. I've been telling this absolutely have looked to in terms of just how he operates.
00:25:31
Speaker 1: Twenty five years ago. I've been around him plenty times since. I don't think i've told him this story. That moment with him changed how I operated throughout my professional career in dealing with the public.
00:25:42
Speaker 2: It's incredible. And you know, I've only met President Clinton one time in my life, met his wife several others when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Yes, you get inundated with all sorts of things. I actually was looking through some stuff in my I was looking for some documents and went back just this week and found a beautiful card stock. President Bill Clinton hand wrote me a letter when I was diagnosed, wishing me well. That what I've met him one time. That was so meaningful, those moments of just reaching out, remembering, recognizing, it's tremendous. So, yes, there is a reason.
00:26:21
Speaker 1: There's a reason he was as successful as a politician as he was, and it's talked about. It's stuff of legend at this point. Two things, how late he was to us events, and awesome he was when you were with him one on one brokes. He just was so folks, take that with you today. I hope it does help, and I hope you can put this into practice it in some way, but we promise you it works. And with that, we appreciate you as always spending some time on TJ on behalf of my dear Amy Robot. We'll talk soon.
Speaker 1: Hey, that evokes It is Saturday, August fifteenth. Have you ever wondered and have you ever even asked somebody what is the secret to happiness? Did you get a good answer? Well, we have a good one for you this morning, and it might be the most definitive one we have ever heard. And with that, welcome to this episode of Amy and TJ, an episode brought to you by Amy Robot, who brought this story to my attention. But Robes, we hear it all the time. You want to ask you what's the secret? Who's the secret to happiness? This was a damn good answer, Robes. Have you had a better answer than this?
00:00:41
Speaker 2: No? Because I think it was an honest answer. Okay, I think a lot of times we talk about it's you know, the love you have for other people or the love you have for yourself, and all of that can make sense. Sure love is usually involved with being happy. Right you want to sure either be giving love or your secure and your loving to yourself, positive thinking, gratitude, a sense of control, something to look forward to. I've heard all sorts of different ideas about what makes you happy.
00:01:14
Speaker 1: Don't they throw in there? A lot of time being philanthropic. Anytime you're down or I'm back, go help somebody else, Go help contribute. All these things were told, Robes. You brought this to my attention, and I say it sounds cool reading into it more. The reason this wouldn't have made sense to me when I was twenty seven interesting, I've been there and done that and live this now. Yes, this is Robes. Is hits hard. It's honest, this hits hard. So the secret to happiness, Robes lies in our ability to feel loved. Now that sounds simple, feeling loved. And the first thing I think, Robes is it's fair to say feeling love sounds like, well, I need to get something from the outside. But the key to this, Robes is it gives you a formula for being in control actually of the love you receive. I love this shit.
00:02:16
Speaker 2: Because look and that it makes sense because because we want to feel in control. We want to think that what we do, what we say, how we act, has an impact, an intended impact. Correct, But we don't know how to do it. We don't know what we're saying, we don't know what we're feeling. We're a mess out there, and so we're we're not focused on happiness, and we're not focused on how we actually receive love. We're focused on trying to be loved, but by maybe controlling the other person or by controlling the environment we're in. And every therapist I've ever spoken to, or I've ever read anything from will tell you you can't get joy from outside sources. So it was I was really interested to see what this leading researcher in the science of happiness.
00:03:05
Speaker 1: It's a real thing.
00:03:06
Speaker 2: It is. How cool is that?
00:03:08
Speaker 1: And well researched. Actually, this is a very big area of research.
00:03:12
Speaker 2: It is, and so I love this. She said that people who want to feel more loved, they usually take one of two approaches that aren't affected.
00:03:20
Speaker 1: And if we do this in relationships right if you're in a relationship with relationship with somebody right now and you want to feel more love, there are two things you're going to do.
00:03:28
Speaker 2: I'm going to fix myself or or I'm going to fix my partner.
00:03:31
Speaker 1: Yes, simpol So I need to change what about me? If I was nicer, if I was sweeter, if I did this differently, if I dressed better, if I follow these things, all these things, then then I would be a more lovable person, yes, or the other way. You know what, this idiot doesn't know how to how to love me.
00:03:51
Speaker 2: So I'm going to tell him my love language. I'm going to explain to him what I need to feel loved. I need acts of service, I need physical touch, and then then I'll feel more loved because he'll love me the way I want to be loved.
00:04:04
Speaker 1: Have you applied this? Have you done this? Do people do this? Does this make sense?
00:04:07
Speaker 2: Right? Absolutely? And I think that's where for me. When I started reading this, it was like, Yep, I've done that, Yep, I've thought that, and Nope, it hasn't worked.
00:04:20
Speaker 1: The thing. It seems odd to be able to control how you're loved and how much of it you get. But this is how they explain it. The right way to go about this. Folks, don't change yourself. You need to change the conversation. And we're gonna get well into that. But Robes just came about because you tracked down an article. It was in the Times. It was focused on this particular author and this researcher you talked about. Yeah, who did have a new book that came out this year, the title You Have to.
00:04:50
Speaker 2: Feel Loved how to feel loved. It's just like our tacos and tequila, Like you know exactly what you're getting when you pick up that book. And honestly, if I hadn't seen this book, I probably would have pulled it off the shelf. How many people would love to be loved? Everyone?
00:05:03
Speaker 1: How to feel love? It sounds like an outside It sounds like an outside solution, yes, but how to feel Where am I supposed to get? This stuff fries in.
00:05:13
Speaker 2: The face of everything I've been trained to think and believe about happiness. But the interesting thing is, it isn't how to get loved. It isn't how to be loved. It's how to feel loved. Someone can love you, and it just might not be hitting the way it's supposed to. And I have experienced this, I'm sure you have too, where you know that that person probably loves you, but you don't feel loved by them.
00:05:38
Speaker 1: Okay, ding Ding the frickin' ding Robes, This is wild. We've talked about this a lot over the year, surely, but even recently I think this has come up. Robes, this idea that people feel they're in a relationship for what it can bring to them and not what they're supposed to be contributing to a unity, to a family, to a partnership. This flies in the face of that Robes and I think it's something perfectly digestible. But this simple concept, if you want to feel more loved, that person that you want the love from needs to feel more loved by you sit with that.
00:06:19
Speaker 2: And it makes perfect sense. And she gives very specific, step by step instructions on how to change this, how to make this happen well Rapes.
00:06:32
Speaker 1: Does that make sense, yes, but we don't. We do not. Some people heard that and are pushing back to where why do I have to do anything today? We always think we're just deserving of it. It should just come. I don't have to explain. I don't have to do anything. I am wonderful. If you're not loving me right, that's on you.
00:06:49
Speaker 2: I deserve better. How many times do we see are we here? In all of these relationship shows we love to watch. The big thing is when someone isn't feeling loved then and say I deserve this, I deserve that, I should be treated this way, I should be treated that way, absolutely pointing the finger at why they don't feel loved. But it starts with you. I love this because it is empowering. It does start with you, the individual who needs and wants to feel more loved.
00:07:21
Speaker 1: I think it's I love this concept, Robes that you still do have control. You don't have to sit around and wait for the right person to come along again, I have to sit and wait for anybody to act right. You can actively do this. And when they went back Robes, we said, how do you feel this love? How are you supposed to do this? Like we said, you need to change the conversation. What are we talking about that person that you need to or want to feel more love from. You need to change the conversation you're having with that person. And it's a very simple concept, Robes. When you have a conversation with this person, you need to start practicing this listening to learn. I love this.
00:07:59
Speaker 2: This is you know, jam I love this. And she points out that a lot of us think that we're pretty good listeners, or we at least try to be. But if you're really actually being honest with yourself, how often do you sit there and wait for your turn to speak? I mean, I fully admit I struggle with that. You know, I do you're waiting to bring your thoughts into it or give your advice, and that is not the mindset you should have listening to learn. So instead of focusing on your response what you're going to say next, your focus should be on understanding this.
00:08:38
Speaker 1: Is very simple stuff. And the reason you know I was going crazy with this article is because this is what I practice and I preach, and it served me so well and I love it and I learned it very early on. You just have to stop. Well, I've done this with you in this studio plenty of times, and I do it all the time. You look at me like I'm joking, or you're like no, no, no, no, I don't want to bother you. You start talking to me. I stop everything I'm doing, I stop typing, I stop looking at the computer, I take all AirPods out, and I lean into the table and I listen to what you're saying. And if it's a small or something, you get embarrassed like, ooh, you don't have to do all that.
00:09:17
Speaker 2: I just wanted to exactly. I'm like, you don't have to stop what you're doing. I just wanted to alert you about something.
00:09:22
Speaker 1: But the thing they're saying Robes is that's all you have to do is be attentive, make eye contact, lean in, and actually listen to that person, not because you have something to say, but you're actually trying to comprehend, learn something, and understand something. If you start with that concept, it changes everything.
00:09:43
Speaker 2: I love it, and you go into conversations with intention where you actually say, I am genuinely going to focus on what this person is saying to me, and it's rare. It's rare, but she even says, ask yourself when someone when you feel seen, when you feel understood, you're so much more willing to see the other person, to understand the other person, to listen to the other person, to be genuinely interested in the other person because you felt listened to and understood and seen and validated. When someone makes you feel that way, there is no greater joy, and you are so much more willing and actually excited to return.
00:10:26
Speaker 1: That which is love, which is going to come back to you as love and you feeling love by doing the simplest of tasks, Robe Robes is just to listen to someone, make them feel cared for, important, validated. You don't have to go out and get flowers fellas. You don't have to send cards, there's no gifts, you don't have to book a trip. She's talking. Listen to her, look at her and listen and ask a follow up robes, this is just something I happen. I am all about this and I did not know there was an area of research.
00:11:04
Speaker 2: And in the follow up, I love how she said there are three words that you should say, at least a version of this after someone's talking to you, and you can get it from Greece, tell me more, tell me more, tell me more, tell me more. Maybe so this is pretty cool, but they say, like you actually making a decision to do this is going to change your life, first of all, and they say to focus on one relationship at a time. So pick the person who maybe you want to feel more loved by, and you pick that person and you make a decision, you say I'm going to choose, and then you become intentional about it and you'll get better at it. It does take practice, especially when say me spent the last five decades not being intentional. Yes, I know I need to listen more. I'm very much aware of that. I know this is a problem area in my life. And then choose the one person who you want to then feel that love.
00:12:04
Speaker 1: They've made clear of this is not a one size fits all. Don't decide Okay, I'm gonna change my life and I'm going to start doing this thing start because people are different. Frankly, and the other thing Robes they've mentioned is that maybe you will figure out that some people shouldn't be in your life. Can you have you even in practicing this, you might find yourself I really don't give a damn about what this person is saying.
00:12:26
Speaker 2: Yes, it actually will clarify. Yeah, you're curious of your relationships and you might actually just be able to pare down your social circle to the people who actually you really want to receive love from. And that's pretty interesting. But they actually she actually gives you like homework and say, okay, if you want to do this in the next week, take three conversations where you choose to actually show real curiosity, where you're actually leaning in, you're listening, tell me more, and you lift that person up. You'll see it in their eyes, in their face, in their expression that they are receiving love and they're going to feel great and they're going to give it back.
00:13:10
Speaker 1: Think about how that feels robes when somebody's paying attention, and they might be paying attention, or you think they're paying attention, but then it's confirmed when you stop talking and they ask a follow up about something you mentioned at the very beginning of what you were saying. Oh, they were listening, they remembered that robes. It changes everything in the dynamic we talk. Who is the awe or comment the Bill Clinton? Yes, reference you used and I didn't know that that was in there. I have told this story countless times in my life.
00:13:40
Speaker 2: Yes, so you have talked about President Clinton and how he makes people feel and just obviously he is somebody who has incredible charisma. But it's pretty specific. And yes, one of the comments on this article said, I have several times read that President Clinton made anyone he was talking to feel as though they were the only person in the room. I've been trying to do the same thing for more than a decade, and wow, it has completely changed my world.
00:14:09
Speaker 1: So this, I thought, this person, So they didn't. They just heard about it.
00:14:12
Speaker 2: They hadn't met him, right, Okay, they just heard about it and decided to emulate him. I watched him and they But you actually met him and had the exact same response.
00:14:20
Speaker 1: Twenty I was twenty two, maybe twenty two. I was working in Little Rock Robes. I was there from two thousand and two thousand and three. There was an event that took place there. How excited am I as a twenty two year old whatever getting a chance to go hang out at some event with Bill Clinton? And he did a little press conference thing and he was mingling in the room. He came back to where the reporters were, a small room, elbowed, elbow to elbow, and I'm up on this stand in the back where the reporters are, and he came back. I don't know how I ended up talking to him about whatever it was, Robes. There is nobody that was more important to him in that moment than me. I'm sitting here looking at you still.
00:15:00
Speaker 2: Remembering that moment and how it made you feel.
00:15:03
Speaker 1: I cannot believe this important guy doesn't give a damn about anything else going on and Roase. From that moment at twenty two, it changed how I functioned the rest of my public life. And I hope and I certainly do believe it is serves me well, but roades the places I go, you've gone places with me, and then somebody will say, yeah, when I was in high school, you did d da da, Like really I did? I don't remember this. All of our security guys that the guys who are not high on the totem pole, I spend the most time with and just stopping and focusing and he I learned that. I swear to God, baby, I learned this and I practiced it because Clinton taught me that very early and observing roabes. This is everything, and you see me do it with you. I've heard all of your stories at this point.
00:15:52
Speaker 2: You have and everything I can bring up on that you don't know.
00:15:55
Speaker 1: And every time you tell it, I set up well, maybe there'll be a detail here I've never heard before and I'll have to ask her about you all. I am telling you this is everything. It is the simplest thing to do. It is not hard to do. Consciously, just listen to someone with the intent of not contributing to the conversation or letting them hear how you feel about it or giving any advice. But every time somebody speaks to you, it requires a follow up. There's something. If you're curious, you go, really what time of day was that? Or what restaurant was it? Why'd you go there today? Oh? What happened to your mom?
00:16:33
Speaker 2: Or what?
00:16:34
Speaker 1: There's always something, Robes. It feels like everything to us person to make was aligned. People never forget how you make them feel.
00:16:41
Speaker 2: Yes, they might forget what you said, they might forget what you did, but they'll never forget how you made them feel. And when you make people feel seen and validated and loved, yes they eagerly return it. And look, she points out, if they don't, that also is really good information to know because that might not be someone you want in your life. And that actually is valuable in and of itself because you learn that sometimes we actually focus in on and are choosing the wrong person who we want to feel more love by, and it just might not be in them. It might not be the right person for you, And employing this tactic in your life actually will make things more obvious.
00:17:21
Speaker 1: That's it, Robes. This is this is a good way to we eat folks. The very simple thing. Do you actually sit there and think, I really don't I don't care, I'm not curious, I'm trying. Actually right now, this just might not might not be the person for you. I absolutely love this and you know I do. But stay here, folks. There is a very simple analogy that they use, having to do with a children's playground that could help you understand why this is such an effective tool. Also, there are some tips that they give for being yes, a better listener.
00:18:03
Speaker 2: Welcome back everyone to Amy and TJ. We hope you were listening because that is the key to feeling more love. And if you feel loved, you are almost certainly going to be happy. Look, everyone is in pursuit of finding more joy, finding happiness. And yes, we've been told by everyone to not look for that outside of you, that it's within you that you're the only one who can actually make yourself happy. However, we're not taking that away because that is true. But there are things you can do that you are in control of that will absolutely make you feel more loved. And in turn, so will your partner, So will your friend, so will your relative.
00:18:55
Speaker 1: You know, no, I'm worried anybody going to take this advice and run out and tell their partner need to listen to me more. You know how you need to do it. You need to do it like this.
00:19:04
Speaker 2: No, you lead the way you start doing it and then watch people change, watch people change. It's kind of cool. I'm excited about about putting this into practice and actually watching relationships get better.
00:19:19
Speaker 1: You mentioned the word of practice, and that's what they say it take. So how am I supposed to become a better listener? They literally ropes. They say, you need to practice this. You need to be conscious as you're going about next conversation. You have sit there consciously think, be aware of what you're doing, and listen to that person as I'm trying to understand something. I'm trying to learn something, and then I'm going to have a follow up to something they say, or it's everything. I just I promise you, folks, you will see a change in the person sitting across from you if you just stop what you're doing, put the phone down, look into their eyes, even interrupt to ask a question. Don't interrupt because you you have something brilliant you want to say, want to interject your own personal story, but robes. When somebody says something I do this, that you've seen me do this all the time, I say, oh, I've apologized in meetings like I'm sorry, but you brought something up that triggered a question, and I could save it to the end or do it along the way. What do you prefer, like, just sit up and pay attention and be aware, Robes. It changes everything. It changes everything, Robes. This is I don't preach it necessarily. I guess we haven't gone on and done our own episode about this, but this has now given me permission. I feel validated, Robes. I am all about this the simplest things in human relation. And don't even get me started on applying this to politics, applying this to people you don't agree with, applying this to somebody on the other side of the aisle or whatever it may be. Just listen to them, no matter what they might be spewing. Well, don't you want to understand how you how did you get to that place that you hate trans people? Like what happened? And I use that example, but I'm saying, just stop and listen for a second instead of just condemning. I love this. We will absolutely get this researcher on, yes.
00:21:11
Speaker 2: Because this is years and years of research. But it makes so much sense. And look, you mentioned that you could interrupt with a question perhaps, but one of the main things you and this is where I have been working on it. I have gotten better. I still have work to do, but not interrupting people that do not interrupt, And it's just a bad rude habit, especially when you're interrupting about what bringing the conversation back to yourself, or offering advice without being asked what you think about something. Those are two major notes lost.
00:21:44
Speaker 1: People do that ego.
00:21:46
Speaker 2: Driven, and you know, I do think look from as someone who has been a habitual interruptor, and certainly I've turned the conversation back to myself plenty of times. I think a lot of times, yes, one hundred percent, it is ego. But I think you think I'm connecting, I'm contributing. I'm I'm saying, oh me too, and we're in this together. And I've had that same experience and that's part of what it is. But truly it takes away from that person's experience period.
00:22:15
Speaker 1: This is wild, you know how. This is just one of those things. For me. It's like standing on an escalator right as far as my biggest well, you're not.
00:22:23
Speaker 2: Like the others. If you see TJ on an escalator, start walking, he cannot, he goes. It's not a ride but I actually think sometimes it doesn't break, it's.
00:22:33
Speaker 1: Not being This is another one of those things in life. Just people stop interrupting, listen to someone, ask a follow up about someone, and it does. Is one of the kindest things you can do. But we can all do it today. The person at the checkout line when they bringing you in, when they you say how you doing, and they just say, I'm good, it's okay to follow it. How many time you heard me say like, really, that's all you got? It wasn't very convincing. You sure everything is all right? You just that means you were listening to them and you.
00:23:07
Speaker 2: Care about them. You're not just making small talk.
00:23:09
Speaker 1: But you're proving that you matter to me to the point that I can do the simplest thing, which is listen. I love this so much.
00:23:19
Speaker 2: You mentioned the school yard analogy.
00:23:21
Speaker 1: Oh I got the sea saw. Did you like this?
00:23:23
Speaker 2: Yes?
00:23:23
Speaker 1: It makes sense right. Imagine a sea saw. Everybody's been on sea saw before. How does the seesaw work? The other person goes up when you come down, when you put your weight down, this was the thing they were saying. Roll this idea. You lift them up with the weight of your attention. And genuine curiosity. You are so into this person. The weight of all of that lifts them up. And this researcher used a seesaw analogy. Look at it that way, you're literally lifting them in the air.
00:23:52
Speaker 2: I love that. But the simplest that's empowering not only to them but for you as well. And look, I've started to check myself. I start, I hear myself, Oh my god, I just turned the conversation back to me. Shame on you, Amy, and then immediately redirect. You're gonna make mistakes. And I have been, actually before this article, before I even read this, have been trying to take notes seeing myself, watching myself do things out of whatever, have it ego, you name it, even maybe excitement or passion, and I forget that that person was telling their story, and so I have. But it's okay, you're gonna it's not gonna. You're not gonna be perfect, but just having the intention and knowing it's something you want to work on will make a tremendous difference in all of your relationships, which will therefore make a tremendous difference in your level of personal happiness.
00:24:43
Speaker 1: It will, so, folks, the key to happiness. Shut up. Oh no, get curious, Get curious. We talked. Oh my god, from the Burnsteins of the world Gaby Bury's this is be curious. Oh this is great, rogues. Part two of this is coming up. I don't know if it is, but this is a great one. Thank you for bringing it to my attention. As often as the case, you'll give me a headline or something you say, ah, you're into that. I don't know. I need to look into it. And I look into it, and I'm as fired up. You understold this one, baby.
00:25:13
Speaker 2: Well, and I'm excited you were into it because I knew and I know that this is your bread and butter. This is how you operate. I actually didn't even know that. Hilariously, the first comment would be attributing it back to Bill Clinton, who I know. I've been telling this absolutely have looked to in terms of just how he operates.
00:25:31
Speaker 1: Twenty five years ago. I've been around him plenty times since. I don't think i've told him this story. That moment with him changed how I operated throughout my professional career in dealing with the public.
00:25:42
Speaker 2: It's incredible. And you know, I've only met President Clinton one time in my life, met his wife several others when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Yes, you get inundated with all sorts of things. I actually was looking through some stuff in my I was looking for some documents and went back just this week and found a beautiful card stock. President Bill Clinton hand wrote me a letter when I was diagnosed, wishing me well. That what I've met him one time. That was so meaningful, those moments of just reaching out, remembering, recognizing, it's tremendous. So, yes, there is a reason.
00:26:21
Speaker 1: There's a reason he was as successful as a politician as he was, and it's talked about. It's stuff of legend at this point. Two things, how late he was to us events, and awesome he was when you were with him one on one brokes. He just was so folks, take that with you today. I hope it does help, and I hope you can put this into practice it in some way, but we promise you it works. And with that, we appreciate you as always spending some time on TJ on behalf of my dear Amy Robot. We'll talk soon.