Dec. 13, 2025
RHOC Jennifer Pedranti and fiancé Ryan Reveal if Divorce is Easier Than Real Housewives
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RSS Feed RHOC Jennifer Pedranti and her fiancé Ryan, are opening up about marrying young, divorce, and how to blend families.
This couple gives sound advice to how they navigated dating while having 7 kids between them!
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00:00:13
Speaker 1: Welcome back you guys. I do Part two.
00:00:16
Speaker 2: It's your celebrity mentor Jen Fessler, and today I am joined by two of my friends and you know them from the Real Housewives of Orange County. It is Jen Pedantry and Ryan. Hi, guys, Hi, how are you? So you guys listeners should know that these are actually my friends. We have been out to dinner. My husband Jeff just adores Ryan. We all adore Jen. I'm happy to have you because I know it's been very hard to book you guys.
00:00:44
Speaker 1: You have been busy.
00:00:46
Speaker 3: Well no, listen, I've been wanting to do this with you because one you are my girlfriend. I love doing this stuff with you, and two we've not been able to make it work.
00:00:55
Speaker 4: So I'm so happy to be here with you today.
00:00:57
Speaker 1: Jen agreed. I know it's hard also when you're filming.
00:01:00
Speaker 2: All right, my friends, So I know you know already what this podcast is about, but we're really talking. We talk to people who are on their part two or three, or four or five. You know, I have shared with you guys, I'm sort of on my part two. Jeff and I were separated for like a year and a half and I consider this a part two and I know that both of you are on your part.
00:01:20
Speaker 5: Two.
00:01:21
Speaker 2: Ryan, I believe you have been married before. I know you have two kids, right, Yes.
00:01:25
Speaker 5: I was married for eighteen years.
00:01:28
Speaker 1: Okay, wow, Okay, that's a long time. Jen. How are you? How long were you married?
00:01:32
Speaker 4: I was married like twenty one years.
00:01:35
Speaker 1: Twenty one yeah, a long time.
00:01:37
Speaker 4: Twenteen years.
00:01:38
Speaker 2: You guys, before we sort of jump into the two of you, and I don't want to be too intrusive, but can you tell me a little bit about well Ryan, first you because I don't think the viewers really got to know too much about your first marriage. A little bit about I don't know how that was, and not too much before he.
00:01:56
Speaker 4: Says anything, Can I tell you something? You tell me. You're never too intrusive and we would share anything.
00:02:02
Speaker 5: Yeah, ask all the question, ask away.
00:02:04
Speaker 1: I love you, guys, Thank you. I'll be sorry you said that, not really.
00:02:10
Speaker 5: Tell us again.
00:02:11
Speaker 6: Yes, I met her in high school, going into freshman year of high school.
00:02:16
Speaker 5: We started dating, ended up married at twelve.
00:02:19
Speaker 2: It's not even high school, going into freshman year, almost like middle school.
00:02:23
Speaker 6: Yes, we met essentially in middle school, started dating. We dated on and off all the way till I was twenty three and we got.
00:02:30
Speaker 1: Married at twenty three.
00:02:32
Speaker 6: Twenty three, yeah, I think married to twenty three. My first son who's now twenty two, when I was twenty five, and then my daughter a year later and she's a twenty year old.
00:02:42
Speaker 2: That's so crazy to me, only because I have a twenty three year old daughter and I just can't even imagine that.
00:02:50
Speaker 1: But listen, and I was married a little bit late.
00:02:52
Speaker 2: But all right, so you were married a long time, which I don't know if that was part of it, getting married so young. I do hear that story. Sometimes people change, things change. Tell me a little bit maybe about the marriage and when it stopped working.
00:03:08
Speaker 6: You know, Heather, who's my ex, is an amazing woman, and I'm so grateful for the mom that she is and the way.
00:03:16
Speaker 2: I'm not just I'm sorry, but what a lovely, fabulous thing to say.
00:03:20
Speaker 6: I just, I mean truly, for someone who has kids being a father, the world kind of revolves around the kids and co parenting. So being on part two and being able to co parent in a the most healthy possible way. It hasn't always been easy, but to sit where we sit now is a gift. But I will say you mentioned a jen. When you meet someone at I don't know, thirteen years old, A lot changes from you know, thirteen, then married at twenty three and divorced at forty.
00:03:48
Speaker 5: Yeah, so a lot changes.
00:03:50
Speaker 6: I do take full responsibility for the decline of my.
00:03:54
Speaker 2: Marriage, full responsibility I do anyone fully Is anyone fully responsible?
00:03:59
Speaker 1: That's general I think No, I don't think.
00:04:01
Speaker 6: I don't think anyone is fully right because everything, if you have two people involved, there's you know, personalities and two different people. But the reason my marriage failed ultimately was because of me and my infidelity. So I take full responsibility. Should I could I say, Heather, my ex could have done this or that.
00:04:20
Speaker 5: At the end of the day, it's on me.
00:04:22
Speaker 1: I can't help it.
00:04:24
Speaker 2: Just that just I find that so well honest of course, but admirable and thank you.
00:04:32
Speaker 5: I'm not saying it to be admirable. I'm just saying I.
00:04:34
Speaker 1: Know, I understand that, I understand that.
00:04:37
Speaker 6: And I would say this looking back now, I'm forty nine, so looking through a different lens, looking back nine years ago, saying when the divorce failed, I don't know if you've sat if I sat down at forty with you, if I would say that, but truly it's how I feel now looking back through the lens I look through being a little bit more responsible and mature. It fell on my shoulders, and that's okay, And I'm super grateful Jen Moses super honest and transparent with my kids. So we have the real conversations as to why it failed, because they're in just like you said your daughter, they're getting to the ages where my son has been dating his girl girlfriend for six years and could be in might be in that position in the next year or so. So I have these very open dialogue conversations with both of them.
00:05:24
Speaker 2: It's interesting because when I went on Jersey, my kids, so this is now got five years ago or something, but you know, we had a lot of family meetings about it. But also you know, they at their age know that, you know, obviously they were there when their father and I separated, but also they knew that there was infidelity and and I mean we did, we got back together, but I don't remember ever really feeling with them that like ashamed of it in the sense that like I know a lot of parents are, but I felt, like, you know, I am at that point, I was an adult it was my my you know, my journey and my path and it turned out well and it wasn't really about them.
00:06:10
Speaker 1: A lot of people don't feel that way, right.
00:06:12
Speaker 3: But Jeff and I felt like that, Jen, you feel like I was opposite you. I felt that I was the one that felt the guilt, Like, yeah, you know, I'm very I'm like Ryan, I'm very transparent with my kids as well.
00:06:24
Speaker 4: But there was almost like a for me, like.
00:06:29
Speaker 3: Uh, scarlet letter kind of like I felt like, as a mom, I'm not supposed to do those types of things, and I've let all of these kids down by that behavior of mine.
00:06:39
Speaker 2: So let me let me maybe part of my attitude is because we both were unfaithful.
00:06:46
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, So I don't know about Will.
00:06:49
Speaker 2: And by the way, you guys, for all you listeners, my husband Jeff and knows actually Jen's ex Will. They've done, I guess they they've been in not in business together, but they got to know each other because of their you know, respected businesses, which is so which is so.
00:07:03
Speaker 1: Crazy, right, crazy, just a small world.
00:07:07
Speaker 3: He always says the nicest things about Will, and Will has always said the nicest things as well.
00:07:11
Speaker 2: So yeah, yeah, well I'm going to jump ahead of myself. I feel like even you Jen have said really nice things about Will and I know that Ryan, You've had a relationship, a relationship with him where it feels like you've been very respectful of him.
00:07:25
Speaker 1: I know there are issues. I watched the show, so I get that.
00:07:30
Speaker 2: But yeah, with in terms of like the infidelity, I guess because it was both of us, I felt like it was between us when they got older. You know what I was I felt guilty about was the separation, right, yeah, right, just And I don't know if guilt is the word. I mean, I was both my parents combination of seven marriages between them, and I kind of thought divorce came with the territory a little bit. But then watching my kids when Jeff moved out was really way harder than I expected. But and you know, people of all kinds of feelings about it. It was a sad time for sure, But you know, we do what we need to do. I mean, look at you guys now, and there's something to be said for that.
00:08:11
Speaker 3: There is something to be said for that. And we have some friends who are currently going like starting this whole process. And it's interesting because, like Ryan, and I always say, it's not like we're some divorce advocates like if you can do what you guys did and put it back together and find happiness and keep the family unit one, my gosh, is that not an easier path because nobody's kidding themselves, like the second time around it it's not easy now. I will say for me, Jen, like I know now the things that I let go for so many years in my marriage that I never stood up for, I never voiced, or I didn't have an expectation on my husband. He doesn't get away with any of them now and vice versa. Like it's kind of like, this is my second go around at this, So it's either you're going to work and what doesn't work, we're going to figure it out, or this doesn't work.
00:08:59
Speaker 4: I just I don't.
00:09:00
Speaker 2: Yeah, I have to tell you, like I know you so you know, not just as a viewer but as a friend. But I don't know that that comes across on the show. You know, I don't know, what do you think, Ran, I don't.
00:09:11
Speaker 5: I don't think it does.
00:09:12
Speaker 6: I think they you know, I'm not talking about editing, but I think she's always kind of like the deer and headlights.
00:09:18
Speaker 5: If it's relationships, yes.
00:09:22
Speaker 1: H yeah, I mean.
00:09:26
Speaker 2: I just I feel like that piece of it that you know, you learn, you live, you learn, you grow, But that piece of your relationship where you're not taking ship, you know, is so important and different.
00:09:38
Speaker 4: And you know, but I think I'm sounding like I'm something.
00:09:41
Speaker 1: Not that you gave her any Ryan, No, he gives me.
00:09:44
Speaker 4: I give him too, John Like, it's and here's the other thing I want to say.
00:09:48
Speaker 3: It's not that I left this horrific marriage and now I found the most perfect person in the world. Listen, Every relationship comes with their quirks, their their hang up so it's it's like finding the person that their hang ups are okay for you or he's willing to work through it with me. Like my ex husband, I had zero communication. I couldn't get will to have a conversation with me to save my life. This guy, I'm like, but I'm not done talking.
00:10:17
Speaker 4: But I'm not done.
00:10:17
Speaker 3: I wait, hold on, I have one more question. And I drive him a little bananas with it. But he knows that's kind of a thing for me, and he's he is naturally a communicator, so it works so much better. It's not that it's perfect, it's that I have the ability to communicate and inside this dynamic with Ryan.
00:10:35
Speaker 1: Yeah.
00:10:35
Speaker 2: And also I feel like Ryan, you are a communicator, like at least that's again, well I know you are, but that's how I feel like viewers feel like you do like to communicate, like to sort of work things through, have have some kind of you're in touch with your emotional you know side.
00:10:54
Speaker 1: And I don't want to.
00:10:55
Speaker 2: Say you're a feminine side, but you're like you're just you seem like that guide to me, like you are.
00:11:00
Speaker 6: I appreciate you saying that. And I can say that probably wasn't that probably wasn't true. In my thirties and till I got divorced, A lot changed after that, A lot of self introspection changed of who I wanted to be.
00:11:17
Speaker 5: Jen knows this.
00:11:18
Speaker 6: I think the former me, I would say, and I know that sounds weird. I was wearing a mask at all times, just trying to be a people pleaser, being kind of yes that yes guy. And it was at forty with a divorce where I just said, I just want to be better, a better version of me. I want to be more authentic, I want to be honest in all aspects of my life, and I didn't know that was possible.
00:11:44
Speaker 5: And then meeting Jen and having the ability to communicate.
00:11:47
Speaker 6: I know everyone says this, everyone hears, and everyone says relationships are work. I actually feel like, and this isn't lip service, my relationship or the one that I'm in with Jen, is not work because we're work as something like you go punch a time card, and I never feel I'm doing that, even if it's the moments where Jen wants to over communicate, or you know, sometimes I just beat something till there's nothing left to talk about.
00:12:11
Speaker 5: I still don't find it work. I'm so very interesting.
00:12:14
Speaker 2: That's such an interest point because guess what, as you're saying that, I'm thinking I don't find it work, but I'm saying it's not. We don't fight. I'm not saying we don't have hard moments. I'm not saying it doesn't, you know, frustrate the shit out of me, and certainly I do him, But I don't know.
00:12:30
Speaker 1: I don't. I don't think of it like that either.
00:12:33
Speaker 6: Yeah, but we've all heard it right. Relationships are work. Marriage is work. And I am so grateful to sit here this second go around and say it's not work. I also didn't know. And this is something I learned about me along the way. Not a knock on my first wife, Heather, but just more about learning me. I didn't think it was possible to be in a relationship with your actual best friend.
00:12:59
Speaker 5: I used to do and do all the had.
00:13:01
Speaker 6: You know, my first phone call was to my buddies, and probably the first three phone calls would be to my buddies versus my ex wife. My first phone call now good, bad, indifferent in the middle. My first opportunity to spend time is with Jen, and I'm so grateful for that and the fact that we're able to do it with our schedules with seven kids. I attribute and I am so grateful for Jen of that because she creates the time and makes the time. It makes me feel like had very special in that way.
00:13:44
Speaker 2: I was just recently in LA and we did and I do Part two with a bunch of hosts, and we were talking a lot about this like the change and when there's a like for me a spark right now, and a lot of people talk about the spark, and I know you guys had a lot of chemistry when you met, but a spark now is this feeling of not only peace of my life, but I really like Jeff. I like spending time with him, like I really respect him, and I really like him, and of course I love him as well. And I think that's like what you're describing, wanting to spend time with Jeff. With Jeff, I'm sorry with Jen, but enjoying that time. You know, I am getting to the point of my life where I just I can't stand most people, so which you know I can't. I can barely have people come and spend the night in my house anymore. Like I just I have no or stay in people's homes when I travel. But I can do all of that with Jeff. And and we are you know, we're just symbiotic. I mean we are man and wife or husband and wife, excuse me. But also just I enjoy him. I enjoy his company, which is such a pleasure, you know.
00:14:55
Speaker 3: Well he It's so funny for Riot because I'm sure through the show people have seen or made the assumption like before me, Ryan had this big past, you know, and his big past was chasing women and sunshine and vacation and you know, all his all his.
00:15:10
Speaker 4: Past girlfriends and whatever.
00:15:12
Speaker 3: And it's so funny because it's so cute to me now because he tells me all the time like you're my best friend, like you're you're the whole, like you're everything, like everything's in you.
00:15:20
Speaker 4: And I'm like, I know, babe, or that for me too.
00:15:23
Speaker 3: But he had like like you're saying, he had the ex wife and then he had his guy friends, and then he had the girls he would chase.
00:15:29
Speaker 4: But I know him so well he was.
00:15:32
Speaker 3: Just chasing and feeling boyds when really the boid he was really chasing after was figuring out him, like who was he?
00:15:39
Speaker 4: Who's Ryan? Who's the hole Ryan?
00:15:41
Speaker 3: And he'll tell me all the time like you're home, Like he always tells me like you're home for me and and I know that, like I and when.
00:15:50
Speaker 1: That's how it feels, right, I know that, yes is how it feels.
00:15:54
Speaker 2: Do you guys have ever go through either one of you have do therapy at all?
00:15:58
Speaker 4: Oh my god, we love therapy.
00:16:00
Speaker 6: It is actually my therapist who would say, you're chasing ghosts, like what you're doing and you come in here and you have the highs and the lows, but at the end of the day. Take a look in the mirror, it's you and number two what you're chasing as a ghost and.
00:16:14
Speaker 1: Does that does she mean it? Does she mean it? When you were chasing women or just chasing.
00:16:18
Speaker 6: Everything, chasing everything, a new car, you know, and whatever it is sometimes as males.
00:16:23
Speaker 5: And they call it. You know what do they call it? When we go through mid.
00:16:25
Speaker 1: Life christis you start.
00:16:27
Speaker 6: Like, it's just amazing when someone can sit down and you you mentioned it earlier, Jen, and I'm grateful that I have a very spiritual side and a faith based side that I can sit down with my therapist or I respect in that way. Agendas too were the same one and she can say it's you, buddy, look in the mirror, you're the problem, and ye're when you're in position to hear it, and it actually moves the meter in your own like soul and you're like, I want to be different.
00:16:57
Speaker 5: It just changes a lot of things.
00:17:01
Speaker 2: I hope that next season you guys get to showcase some of this because.
00:17:06
Speaker 1: It's so Maybe it's.
00:17:08
Speaker 2: Because I love you, but it's just it's so endearing, you know, I love I love just hearing about this and these parts of your relationship as opposed to I don't know, whatever other mess.
00:17:20
Speaker 4: It's funny when you talk about the spark.
00:17:21
Speaker 3: I feel like people look at Ryan and I like it's like some sexual thing constantly with Ryan and I and no, kid yourself, I have that with him. But and it is different I think for men and women. But like what you're saying, Jen, like my spark is to be five years in with this man and I'm safe and what he tells me he does. Like if Ryan tells me something's going to happen, I know that that's accurate.
00:17:47
Speaker 4: I'm safe.
00:17:48
Speaker 2: That's so important, Jen. But you just say that is I know, be able to count on him like that?
00:17:52
Speaker 1: I know it is.
00:17:53
Speaker 2: Yes, I still appreciate that to this day, that I know, no matter what, I can count on Jeff Bessler.
00:18:00
Speaker 1: Listen.
00:18:01
Speaker 2: I have a lot of friends who have been divorced and they speak to that, right, like how important that is that you know? I remember when Jeff and I first got together, so silly, but we were engaged and I had moved to his place in Jersey and I just started a new job, and he said to me, like at the beginning of the day, He's like, well, you know, I'll take you, I'll show you where to catch the bus or whatever. And I remember thinking in my head, for some reason, he's not going to remember to do that.
00:18:29
Speaker 1: Like most boyfriends I had had.
00:18:31
Speaker 2: Really give a shit, right, And I just I always think, like when I'm talking about this, I remember at the end of the day and it was late, like we've been out all day. It was like seven o'clock and he's like, all right, let's go by. And I just silly things like that that always stick with me. If Jeff says he's going to do something, he just does it, period, and I appreciate it.
00:18:49
Speaker 3: And I feel like for women that translates in my marriage to my husband. At first, like it was intimacy was used to like just get attention from him. Then I got so that like we would have intimacy but no time together. Then I would be like, Okay, I don't even now because what you say doesn't happen.
00:19:07
Speaker 4: We're never together.
00:19:08
Speaker 3: I don't feel it being intimate with you. And I would say to anybody that's on number two or number three or number ten, do what you say, say what you mean, and put the time in, because now it's like I can't believe I'm five years and I still have butterflies. But it's not just the sexual side of it. It's the Yeah, it's who he is with me, with my kids. I look at him and I'm like, oh my gosh, that's all mine. And I'm not talking about the man sitting poolside and his wareshorts hot as hell to me.
00:19:36
Speaker 4: I'm talking about the man in my home.
00:19:38
Speaker 3: And when I feel like for women, there's the spark, right, like you're gonna lit a spark, like do something and say what you do or do what you say.
00:19:46
Speaker 4: She is going to be like, I'm that that is mine.
00:19:48
Speaker 1: Like I tell that to my kids.
00:19:51
Speaker 2: I tell it specifically to my daughter, like, yes, you're gonna fall with your heart and with your body. Yeah, you gotta just try if you can, and at this young age to not be completely controlled by that to think, you know, and my grandmother used to say to me all the time, he doesn't have to be rich, he has to be ambitious, he doesn't have to be I don't know. A million things like that that I always took with me, and I try to sort of, you know, put to give them my kids those same values anyway, not about me moving on, since we're talking about ten million kids between you, how did the mix go guys, like from the beginning, well, go ahead.
00:20:33
Speaker 6: We were just talking about it yesterday to a friend who the one Jen mentioned is going through divorce right now.
00:20:39
Speaker 1: Yeah.
00:20:41
Speaker 5: I think it was so organic.
00:20:42
Speaker 4: We let it be organic, so there was no forcing it.
00:20:45
Speaker 3: It was kind of like the kids knew about Ryan, Ryan's kids knew about me, and then there was never like a we are going to dinner and you guys are going to meet and I have by Ryan has two, so it was a weird. One would be kind of ready and then that would be like a hangout with that. And it took time, though, Jen. And there's this one trip when my daughter was on board, ready to go, loved him, and it was our first travel trip together and we went to Vegas with my daughter and her girlfriend and I remember Ryan, when we were holding hands and walking down Vegas, my daughter shut down like that was it. And so that trip took a turn we didn't anticipate. So it was a lot of me with Evvy's, a lot of talking with her. I think it was the realization of seeing mom, not with dad, but seeing mom like with Ryan like I'm holding Ryan's hand, I'm walking with Ryan, I'm and that was emotional for her, and I just think the best thing my advice is you've got to let the kids feel what they feel. There's no way to make it right when it's wrong. There's no way to make them. You just have to let it be and they do come around. I mean we were faced with early on Jen. Will set the kids down and he was like, this is who took your mom. This is he's a bad man. And you told me, you said it's hurt from Will's just hurt, and this is what he's That's okay, he's just hurt right now, and we're going to keep showing up for these kids for time.
00:22:11
Speaker 4: They'll see it and I'm telling you, it just took the.
00:22:14
Speaker 1: Time, and they do.
00:22:15
Speaker 6: I would say for me, it was more of like a three pronged approach. My two kids at the time Jen entered my life. I'm now four years divorced, so my kids were ready and open for dad to meet somebody. Jen's kids met me at a time where yeah, so it was that parncy.
00:22:36
Speaker 5: It was chaos because Jen left her marriage and went right to me.
00:22:39
Speaker 6: So the kids didn't have this rougher time of Hey, mom and dad have been separated, divorced for a year or two and now mom met somebody. There was not that, So I think first prong would be my kids were open ready, and it was so easy for my kids in Jen and I and then Jen's youngest two at the time, Jeez Dom's eleven now it was five, and Eddie is fifteen. She was like nine.
00:23:04
Speaker 5: They were much more easy and open and it was her older boys, I think boys in general, but their ages.
00:23:12
Speaker 6: Made that a little bit more, that runway a little bit longer for them to who is this guy, what's he here for?
00:23:18
Speaker 5: And I can respect that.
00:23:19
Speaker 6: So I think in the three prong approach, we just let it continue to unfold without having any.
00:23:25
Speaker 4: You know, expectation, expectation or timelines.
00:23:28
Speaker 5: And it's been it worked in our favor.
00:23:40
Speaker 2: I said earlier that I didn't I don't feel guilty to my kids about the infidelities. I feel guilty though, about some of the ways in which I handled them when we were separated, because I had a boyfriend and he became part of the household, and I definitely, looking back, have guilt about that. For allowing that even though and my kids were really young and well like seven and nine, so not quite as young as yours, but so they really didn't even have I don't think like the wherewithal to say we don't like this right, But I should have had the wherewithal to say this needs more time to breathe. And I got very wrapped up in this boyfriend and it wasn't not blaming him, but we moved very quickly into this thing.
00:24:33
Speaker 1: And so I don't have, like I said, guilt.
00:24:36
Speaker 2: I do have guilt, not, you know, not when it comes to maybe some of the infidelities and things that happened between me and Jeff, I feel like they're between me and Jeff. But the things that I guess affected my kids, I do, and I get that, gen You're not alone because I made mistakes in that area as well.
00:24:50
Speaker 4: I think mom guilt is like such a thing. I still do it.
00:24:54
Speaker 3: I just told him yesterday. I used to be like the Christmas mom, I mean, freaking miss clause here.
00:25:00
Speaker 4: Now I can see that dress around money.
00:25:03
Speaker 1: Is it enough?
00:25:04
Speaker 4: Is it the Christmases they used to have.
00:25:06
Speaker 3: I mom guilt myself, like, well, I just want the holidays done because I need to know it was enough that they're happy and they felt like it was Christmas, damn it.
00:25:12
Speaker 4: And I did enough.
00:25:13
Speaker 3: But I don't know why we do that, Jeff, Like I can mom guilt myself over anything, and I feel like I want to. That is something I want to get better at because I know you and I know me. We're damn good moms.
00:25:25
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I don't know why we do that.
00:25:27
Speaker 4: I don't feel like men do that as much as women do. Like dad, guilt is not a thing, No, not like that.
00:25:34
Speaker 2: Uh, Jeff Fessler is as perfect a father as I could have ever hoped for. And I am not a perfect mother. So you know it's like I try, I think to myself, I can't imagine him. I try to guilt him sometimes, but he is nothing.
00:25:47
Speaker 5: It doesn't want work, No, he.
00:25:50
Speaker 2: Just has nothing to feel to feel guilty about. But I make plenty of mistakes and have had plenty of guilt as a mom.
00:25:57
Speaker 1: You know over them.
00:25:58
Speaker 2: I know that that you're right. That is that is so so common. Gen I look at you and I think you must be and I see it on TV. But the most loving, devoted mother, just the whole way you have about you, and I see it in your relationships with your kids on TV.
00:26:14
Speaker 1: So interesting.
00:26:14
Speaker 2: And I had a mother who listen, she had a lot to deal with and it wasn't great a my house growing up. And my therapist always says to me, it's not very easy to break that. It's certainly it's very difficult to break patterns. And I do know that I've been a very good mom, and I know that it was without really working hard on myself, I wouldn't have been the mom that I've been. But I've been in therapy for so many years and it's helped me so much. And I think that specifically, I speak so much about my kids in therapy and I get so much great feedback and that has really helped me. But with all of that, gen, You're right, we all have mom guilt, and Ryan, I would think you have some dad guilt.
00:26:56
Speaker 6: I mean, oh, definitely, especially in the beginning, right because I was a doer. I'm the one that wanted the divorce. I definitely like some guilt. I think fast forward now, and this is the great part about you can attest to this gen with your kids being the age as they are, they're now at ages where we're parents and we're friends. Yeah, And I enjoy my kids so much. They actually I want to go to dinner with my kids, where before it's like we got to take the kids dinner and feed them. Now it's like, you know, we want them when we get to bring them with us, the older ones, especially, just because the dialogue communication is different. My kids would sit here with us today and have told us I can't even imagine you a mom being together. You're so different as people. Mom's great in her way and you're great in your way. But I can't even imagine. And they were old enough when we were obviously together, they just can't see it. So it's cool that they can mature through it, and that erode some of the guilt that we may put on ourselves. When the kids can say, oh, mom's so happy, Mom's doing great. I couldn't even imagine you a mom together that type thing.
00:27:53
Speaker 1: Ah, I totally can imagine. That's such a relief.
00:27:55
Speaker 2: It's so interesting because even like in this Ryan, you're so honest, Like when they were younger, it's like kids out to dinner with Yeah, right, that is the truth of it, and it is I mean, I said to Rachel my daughter yesterday, I'm like, I can't. We like opened a bottle of wine. I'm like every time i feel like like I'm drinking wine and then I'm like, wait a second, Yeah, yeah, it's incredible. We also smoke pot for the first time.
00:28:21
Speaker 4: Together, so that was Actually, that's hilarious.
00:28:25
Speaker 2: I shouldn't admitted that on the pod, but anyway, anyway, anyway, I wish, I really do that we had seen more of you with Ryan, with your relationship with your kids on the show.
00:28:35
Speaker 1: I don't know if they are. Maybe they're not interested in being on it.
00:28:38
Speaker 5: So my son is a senior in college, so he's not you know.
00:28:41
Speaker 6: We filmed our gene typically films from let's call it February to May, and he's in school so he's not here.
00:28:48
Speaker 5: And then my daughter, twenty years old is has a full time job.
00:28:53
Speaker 6: So it's tough. Both of them would be interested if they were. Yeah, just tough schedule wise to get seven kids. Hey, we're filming at this time with their lives in school and everything else.
00:29:04
Speaker 4: Mine, see, this is the difference Jen, like with mine.
00:29:06
Speaker 3: I can tell Harrison who's at USC like they need to see you, like I need to film with you, so you have to pick a weekend and come home because they you know, producers or whatever. We'll say, like what's question. But when it comes to his kids, I do still feel like there's like a fine line and a boundary that I need to respect as stepmom that his kids have lives and my job is not their job. Right, And so we did have a couple of times they didn't show it, but we had a great couple of like all of the kids and my god, it was like the best morning and everybody was here.
00:29:39
Speaker 4: So it has happened a couple of times. It just didn't you know, how things get cut.
00:29:42
Speaker 1: Yeah, So I mean Heather, and Heather's okay with it.
00:29:49
Speaker 5: Excellent with it. Yeah.
00:29:50
Speaker 6: I mean, like I said, we're just in different places and stages. So yeah, she's in full support of the kids being a part of it if they want to be a part of it. And she also knows that it's are strong enough to say, yeah I don't really want to I don't want to be a part of it or not today for whatever reason.
00:30:05
Speaker 5: Yeah, a lot of respect there.
00:30:07
Speaker 1: Yeah, and will jen is he's been okay with it.
00:30:10
Speaker 4: Well, he doesn't have a choice, Jen, I mean, I don't need.
00:30:12
Speaker 1: To make money, right, I need to make the money and so.
00:30:17
Speaker 3: Yes, And so I think I think Will understands, like in the position he's in right now, that he's not being able to support the way he anticipated. So I think he has no say to be like I don't want you doing this, you know, because he knows that's what provides for the kids and I.
00:30:31
Speaker 4: So he doesn't say anything. He honestly, you know, it would be so cool. And I've thought about this. I wish they would build like I am so open.
00:30:40
Speaker 3: I would love to be like you know, Will has this new dynamic in his life with his new girlfriend or not new, but they've been together, and we'll talk about it, like I see who I was married to, and then I see this man with his girlfriend.
00:30:52
Speaker 4: I'm like, Wow, No, wonder we didn't work.
00:30:55
Speaker 3: You know, you can that person in that new relationship and they wag their dynamics are in the way our dynamics were. It's so weird to think that Will and I tried for so long to make it work. And I wish we could all be way more friendlier.
00:31:08
Speaker 4: And open than it's been to me.
00:31:10
Speaker 3: I hate this on my side, Jen, the co parenting has sucked, like big time and his wife or whatever she is, I've known her for years, Like really, yeah, this was a girl that I just loved pieces and she's got four kids.
00:31:25
Speaker 1: Do I remember that? Did you talk about that on the show?
00:31:28
Speaker 4: Yeah, we talked about it briefly.
00:31:29
Speaker 1: It sounds familiar. Okay, So it's so sad and so.
00:31:33
Speaker 3: Weird, like why can't like they're so happy, We're so happy? My gosh, looks like y'all do making a prediction.
00:31:39
Speaker 2: Remember I said this, I am predicting that the four of you are going to be friends whatever that looks like. I can see it comings who because of who the two of you are and maybe even the six of you.
00:31:51
Speaker 1: Wait, does Heather have a boyfriend for years?
00:31:56
Speaker 4: His name's Ryan?
00:31:57
Speaker 5: Two?
00:31:57
Speaker 1: Are you serious? And do you guys you're all get along? And Jen, of course you do right on our side?
00:32:04
Speaker 4: Yes, side is easy?
00:32:06
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's coming. I feel like you're I know, but I feel like it's coming. How were you able to not discuss the issues about money with the kids or did it just no?
00:32:16
Speaker 3: I tell them, they yeah, no, no, no, in the beginning, But now it's very We're just very open. Listen, I'm not trash talking their father. And when I talk, I know you about it. I talk about Dad's in the spot. Dad, Dad's in the spot. Dad's not able to commit to what he needs to right now. So we're not doing Chick fil A five times this week, or you know, Grayson will be like, I need gas and he'll say, do you want me to ask Dad? And I always say, sure, try Dad, But if it doesn't work, you.
00:32:44
Speaker 4: Know, coming.
00:32:46
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right you guys.
00:32:48
Speaker 2: So I have definitely been hitting you with a lot of questions. I'm sorry I have a lot more. So we are going to have to come back with a part two.
Speaker 1: Welcome back you guys. I do Part two.
00:00:16
Speaker 2: It's your celebrity mentor Jen Fessler, and today I am joined by two of my friends and you know them from the Real Housewives of Orange County. It is Jen Pedantry and Ryan. Hi, guys, Hi, how are you? So you guys listeners should know that these are actually my friends. We have been out to dinner. My husband Jeff just adores Ryan. We all adore Jen. I'm happy to have you because I know it's been very hard to book you guys.
00:00:44
Speaker 1: You have been busy.
00:00:46
Speaker 3: Well no, listen, I've been wanting to do this with you because one you are my girlfriend. I love doing this stuff with you, and two we've not been able to make it work.
00:00:55
Speaker 4: So I'm so happy to be here with you today.
00:00:57
Speaker 1: Jen agreed. I know it's hard also when you're filming.
00:01:00
Speaker 2: All right, my friends, So I know you know already what this podcast is about, but we're really talking. We talk to people who are on their part two or three, or four or five. You know, I have shared with you guys, I'm sort of on my part two. Jeff and I were separated for like a year and a half and I consider this a part two and I know that both of you are on your part.
00:01:20
Speaker 5: Two.
00:01:21
Speaker 2: Ryan, I believe you have been married before. I know you have two kids, right, Yes.
00:01:25
Speaker 5: I was married for eighteen years.
00:01:28
Speaker 1: Okay, wow, Okay, that's a long time. Jen. How are you? How long were you married?
00:01:32
Speaker 4: I was married like twenty one years.
00:01:35
Speaker 1: Twenty one yeah, a long time.
00:01:37
Speaker 4: Twenteen years.
00:01:38
Speaker 2: You guys, before we sort of jump into the two of you, and I don't want to be too intrusive, but can you tell me a little bit about well Ryan, first you because I don't think the viewers really got to know too much about your first marriage. A little bit about I don't know how that was, and not too much before he.
00:01:56
Speaker 4: Says anything, Can I tell you something? You tell me. You're never too intrusive and we would share anything.
00:02:02
Speaker 5: Yeah, ask all the question, ask away.
00:02:04
Speaker 1: I love you, guys, Thank you. I'll be sorry you said that, not really.
00:02:10
Speaker 5: Tell us again.
00:02:11
Speaker 6: Yes, I met her in high school, going into freshman year of high school.
00:02:16
Speaker 5: We started dating, ended up married at twelve.
00:02:19
Speaker 2: It's not even high school, going into freshman year, almost like middle school.
00:02:23
Speaker 6: Yes, we met essentially in middle school, started dating. We dated on and off all the way till I was twenty three and we got.
00:02:30
Speaker 1: Married at twenty three.
00:02:32
Speaker 6: Twenty three, yeah, I think married to twenty three. My first son who's now twenty two, when I was twenty five, and then my daughter a year later and she's a twenty year old.
00:02:42
Speaker 2: That's so crazy to me, only because I have a twenty three year old daughter and I just can't even imagine that.
00:02:50
Speaker 1: But listen, and I was married a little bit late.
00:02:52
Speaker 2: But all right, so you were married a long time, which I don't know if that was part of it, getting married so young. I do hear that story. Sometimes people change, things change. Tell me a little bit maybe about the marriage and when it stopped working.
00:03:08
Speaker 6: You know, Heather, who's my ex, is an amazing woman, and I'm so grateful for the mom that she is and the way.
00:03:16
Speaker 2: I'm not just I'm sorry, but what a lovely, fabulous thing to say.
00:03:20
Speaker 6: I just, I mean truly, for someone who has kids being a father, the world kind of revolves around the kids and co parenting. So being on part two and being able to co parent in a the most healthy possible way. It hasn't always been easy, but to sit where we sit now is a gift. But I will say you mentioned a jen. When you meet someone at I don't know, thirteen years old, A lot changes from you know, thirteen, then married at twenty three and divorced at forty.
00:03:48
Speaker 5: Yeah, so a lot changes.
00:03:50
Speaker 6: I do take full responsibility for the decline of my.
00:03:54
Speaker 2: Marriage, full responsibility I do anyone fully Is anyone fully responsible?
00:03:59
Speaker 1: That's general I think No, I don't think.
00:04:01
Speaker 6: I don't think anyone is fully right because everything, if you have two people involved, there's you know, personalities and two different people. But the reason my marriage failed ultimately was because of me and my infidelity. So I take full responsibility. Should I could I say, Heather, my ex could have done this or that.
00:04:20
Speaker 5: At the end of the day, it's on me.
00:04:22
Speaker 1: I can't help it.
00:04:24
Speaker 2: Just that just I find that so well honest of course, but admirable and thank you.
00:04:32
Speaker 5: I'm not saying it to be admirable. I'm just saying I.
00:04:34
Speaker 1: Know, I understand that, I understand that.
00:04:37
Speaker 6: And I would say this looking back now, I'm forty nine, so looking through a different lens, looking back nine years ago, saying when the divorce failed, I don't know if you've sat if I sat down at forty with you, if I would say that, but truly it's how I feel now looking back through the lens I look through being a little bit more responsible and mature. It fell on my shoulders, and that's okay, And I'm super grateful Jen Moses super honest and transparent with my kids. So we have the real conversations as to why it failed, because they're in just like you said your daughter, they're getting to the ages where my son has been dating his girl girlfriend for six years and could be in might be in that position in the next year or so. So I have these very open dialogue conversations with both of them.
00:05:24
Speaker 2: It's interesting because when I went on Jersey, my kids, so this is now got five years ago or something, but you know, we had a lot of family meetings about it. But also you know, they at their age know that, you know, obviously they were there when their father and I separated, but also they knew that there was infidelity and and I mean we did, we got back together, but I don't remember ever really feeling with them that like ashamed of it in the sense that like I know a lot of parents are, but I felt, like, you know, I am at that point, I was an adult it was my my you know, my journey and my path and it turned out well and it wasn't really about them.
00:06:10
Speaker 1: A lot of people don't feel that way, right.
00:06:12
Speaker 3: But Jeff and I felt like that, Jen, you feel like I was opposite you. I felt that I was the one that felt the guilt, Like, yeah, you know, I'm very I'm like Ryan, I'm very transparent with my kids as well.
00:06:24
Speaker 4: But there was almost like a for me, like.
00:06:29
Speaker 3: Uh, scarlet letter kind of like I felt like, as a mom, I'm not supposed to do those types of things, and I've let all of these kids down by that behavior of mine.
00:06:39
Speaker 2: So let me let me maybe part of my attitude is because we both were unfaithful.
00:06:46
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, So I don't know about Will.
00:06:49
Speaker 2: And by the way, you guys, for all you listeners, my husband Jeff and knows actually Jen's ex Will. They've done, I guess they they've been in not in business together, but they got to know each other because of their you know, respected businesses, which is so which is so.
00:07:03
Speaker 1: Crazy, right, crazy, just a small world.
00:07:07
Speaker 3: He always says the nicest things about Will, and Will has always said the nicest things as well.
00:07:11
Speaker 2: So yeah, yeah, well I'm going to jump ahead of myself. I feel like even you Jen have said really nice things about Will and I know that Ryan, You've had a relationship, a relationship with him where it feels like you've been very respectful of him.
00:07:25
Speaker 1: I know there are issues. I watched the show, so I get that.
00:07:30
Speaker 2: But yeah, with in terms of like the infidelity, I guess because it was both of us, I felt like it was between us when they got older. You know what I was I felt guilty about was the separation, right, yeah, right, just And I don't know if guilt is the word. I mean, I was both my parents combination of seven marriages between them, and I kind of thought divorce came with the territory a little bit. But then watching my kids when Jeff moved out was really way harder than I expected. But and you know, people of all kinds of feelings about it. It was a sad time for sure, But you know, we do what we need to do. I mean, look at you guys now, and there's something to be said for that.
00:08:11
Speaker 3: There is something to be said for that. And we have some friends who are currently going like starting this whole process. And it's interesting because, like Ryan, and I always say, it's not like we're some divorce advocates like if you can do what you guys did and put it back together and find happiness and keep the family unit one, my gosh, is that not an easier path because nobody's kidding themselves, like the second time around it it's not easy now. I will say for me, Jen, like I know now the things that I let go for so many years in my marriage that I never stood up for, I never voiced, or I didn't have an expectation on my husband. He doesn't get away with any of them now and vice versa. Like it's kind of like, this is my second go around at this, So it's either you're going to work and what doesn't work, we're going to figure it out, or this doesn't work.
00:08:59
Speaker 4: I just I don't.
00:09:00
Speaker 2: Yeah, I have to tell you, like I know you so you know, not just as a viewer but as a friend. But I don't know that that comes across on the show. You know, I don't know, what do you think, Ran, I don't.
00:09:11
Speaker 5: I don't think it does.
00:09:12
Speaker 6: I think they you know, I'm not talking about editing, but I think she's always kind of like the deer and headlights.
00:09:18
Speaker 5: If it's relationships, yes.
00:09:22
Speaker 1: H yeah, I mean.
00:09:26
Speaker 2: I just I feel like that piece of it that you know, you learn, you live, you learn, you grow, But that piece of your relationship where you're not taking ship, you know, is so important and different.
00:09:38
Speaker 4: And you know, but I think I'm sounding like I'm something.
00:09:41
Speaker 1: Not that you gave her any Ryan, No, he gives me.
00:09:44
Speaker 4: I give him too, John Like, it's and here's the other thing I want to say.
00:09:48
Speaker 3: It's not that I left this horrific marriage and now I found the most perfect person in the world. Listen, Every relationship comes with their quirks, their their hang up so it's it's like finding the person that their hang ups are okay for you or he's willing to work through it with me. Like my ex husband, I had zero communication. I couldn't get will to have a conversation with me to save my life. This guy, I'm like, but I'm not done talking.
00:10:17
Speaker 4: But I'm not done.
00:10:17
Speaker 3: I wait, hold on, I have one more question. And I drive him a little bananas with it. But he knows that's kind of a thing for me, and he's he is naturally a communicator, so it works so much better. It's not that it's perfect, it's that I have the ability to communicate and inside this dynamic with Ryan.
00:10:35
Speaker 1: Yeah.
00:10:35
Speaker 2: And also I feel like Ryan, you are a communicator, like at least that's again, well I know you are, but that's how I feel like viewers feel like you do like to communicate, like to sort of work things through, have have some kind of you're in touch with your emotional you know side.
00:10:54
Speaker 1: And I don't want to.
00:10:55
Speaker 2: Say you're a feminine side, but you're like you're just you seem like that guide to me, like you are.
00:11:00
Speaker 6: I appreciate you saying that. And I can say that probably wasn't that probably wasn't true. In my thirties and till I got divorced, A lot changed after that, A lot of self introspection changed of who I wanted to be.
00:11:17
Speaker 5: Jen knows this.
00:11:18
Speaker 6: I think the former me, I would say, and I know that sounds weird. I was wearing a mask at all times, just trying to be a people pleaser, being kind of yes that yes guy. And it was at forty with a divorce where I just said, I just want to be better, a better version of me. I want to be more authentic, I want to be honest in all aspects of my life, and I didn't know that was possible.
00:11:44
Speaker 5: And then meeting Jen and having the ability to communicate.
00:11:47
Speaker 6: I know everyone says this, everyone hears, and everyone says relationships are work. I actually feel like, and this isn't lip service, my relationship or the one that I'm in with Jen, is not work because we're work as something like you go punch a time card, and I never feel I'm doing that, even if it's the moments where Jen wants to over communicate, or you know, sometimes I just beat something till there's nothing left to talk about.
00:12:11
Speaker 5: I still don't find it work. I'm so very interesting.
00:12:14
Speaker 2: That's such an interest point because guess what, as you're saying that, I'm thinking I don't find it work, but I'm saying it's not. We don't fight. I'm not saying we don't have hard moments. I'm not saying it doesn't, you know, frustrate the shit out of me, and certainly I do him, But I don't know.
00:12:30
Speaker 1: I don't. I don't think of it like that either.
00:12:33
Speaker 6: Yeah, but we've all heard it right. Relationships are work. Marriage is work. And I am so grateful to sit here this second go around and say it's not work. I also didn't know. And this is something I learned about me along the way. Not a knock on my first wife, Heather, but just more about learning me. I didn't think it was possible to be in a relationship with your actual best friend.
00:12:59
Speaker 5: I used to do and do all the had.
00:13:01
Speaker 6: You know, my first phone call was to my buddies, and probably the first three phone calls would be to my buddies versus my ex wife. My first phone call now good, bad, indifferent in the middle. My first opportunity to spend time is with Jen, and I'm so grateful for that and the fact that we're able to do it with our schedules with seven kids. I attribute and I am so grateful for Jen of that because she creates the time and makes the time. It makes me feel like had very special in that way.
00:13:44
Speaker 2: I was just recently in LA and we did and I do Part two with a bunch of hosts, and we were talking a lot about this like the change and when there's a like for me a spark right now, and a lot of people talk about the spark, and I know you guys had a lot of chemistry when you met, but a spark now is this feeling of not only peace of my life, but I really like Jeff. I like spending time with him, like I really respect him, and I really like him, and of course I love him as well. And I think that's like what you're describing, wanting to spend time with Jeff. With Jeff, I'm sorry with Jen, but enjoying that time. You know, I am getting to the point of my life where I just I can't stand most people, so which you know I can't. I can barely have people come and spend the night in my house anymore. Like I just I have no or stay in people's homes when I travel. But I can do all of that with Jeff. And and we are you know, we're just symbiotic. I mean we are man and wife or husband and wife, excuse me. But also just I enjoy him. I enjoy his company, which is such a pleasure, you know.
00:14:55
Speaker 3: Well he It's so funny for Riot because I'm sure through the show people have seen or made the assumption like before me, Ryan had this big past, you know, and his big past was chasing women and sunshine and vacation and you know, all his all his.
00:15:10
Speaker 4: Past girlfriends and whatever.
00:15:12
Speaker 3: And it's so funny because it's so cute to me now because he tells me all the time like you're my best friend, like you're you're the whole, like you're everything, like everything's in you.
00:15:20
Speaker 4: And I'm like, I know, babe, or that for me too.
00:15:23
Speaker 3: But he had like like you're saying, he had the ex wife and then he had his guy friends, and then he had the girls he would chase.
00:15:29
Speaker 4: But I know him so well he was.
00:15:32
Speaker 3: Just chasing and feeling boyds when really the boid he was really chasing after was figuring out him, like who was he?
00:15:39
Speaker 4: Who's Ryan? Who's the hole Ryan?
00:15:41
Speaker 3: And he'll tell me all the time like you're home, Like he always tells me like you're home for me and and I know that, like I and when.
00:15:50
Speaker 1: That's how it feels, right, I know that, yes is how it feels.
00:15:54
Speaker 2: Do you guys have ever go through either one of you have do therapy at all?
00:15:58
Speaker 4: Oh my god, we love therapy.
00:16:00
Speaker 6: It is actually my therapist who would say, you're chasing ghosts, like what you're doing and you come in here and you have the highs and the lows, but at the end of the day. Take a look in the mirror, it's you and number two what you're chasing as a ghost and.
00:16:14
Speaker 1: Does that does she mean it? Does she mean it? When you were chasing women or just chasing.
00:16:18
Speaker 6: Everything, chasing everything, a new car, you know, and whatever it is sometimes as males.
00:16:23
Speaker 5: And they call it. You know what do they call it? When we go through mid.
00:16:25
Speaker 1: Life christis you start.
00:16:27
Speaker 6: Like, it's just amazing when someone can sit down and you you mentioned it earlier, Jen, and I'm grateful that I have a very spiritual side and a faith based side that I can sit down with my therapist or I respect in that way. Agendas too were the same one and she can say it's you, buddy, look in the mirror, you're the problem, and ye're when you're in position to hear it, and it actually moves the meter in your own like soul and you're like, I want to be different.
00:16:57
Speaker 5: It just changes a lot of things.
00:17:01
Speaker 2: I hope that next season you guys get to showcase some of this because.
00:17:06
Speaker 1: It's so Maybe it's.
00:17:08
Speaker 2: Because I love you, but it's just it's so endearing, you know, I love I love just hearing about this and these parts of your relationship as opposed to I don't know, whatever other mess.
00:17:20
Speaker 4: It's funny when you talk about the spark.
00:17:21
Speaker 3: I feel like people look at Ryan and I like it's like some sexual thing constantly with Ryan and I and no, kid yourself, I have that with him. But and it is different I think for men and women. But like what you're saying, Jen, like my spark is to be five years in with this man and I'm safe and what he tells me he does. Like if Ryan tells me something's going to happen, I know that that's accurate.
00:17:47
Speaker 4: I'm safe.
00:17:48
Speaker 2: That's so important, Jen. But you just say that is I know, be able to count on him like that?
00:17:52
Speaker 1: I know it is.
00:17:53
Speaker 2: Yes, I still appreciate that to this day, that I know, no matter what, I can count on Jeff Bessler.
00:18:00
Speaker 1: Listen.
00:18:01
Speaker 2: I have a lot of friends who have been divorced and they speak to that, right, like how important that is that you know? I remember when Jeff and I first got together, so silly, but we were engaged and I had moved to his place in Jersey and I just started a new job, and he said to me, like at the beginning of the day, He's like, well, you know, I'll take you, I'll show you where to catch the bus or whatever. And I remember thinking in my head, for some reason, he's not going to remember to do that.
00:18:29
Speaker 1: Like most boyfriends I had had.
00:18:31
Speaker 2: Really give a shit, right, And I just I always think, like when I'm talking about this, I remember at the end of the day and it was late, like we've been out all day. It was like seven o'clock and he's like, all right, let's go by. And I just silly things like that that always stick with me. If Jeff says he's going to do something, he just does it, period, and I appreciate it.
00:18:49
Speaker 3: And I feel like for women that translates in my marriage to my husband. At first, like it was intimacy was used to like just get attention from him. Then I got so that like we would have intimacy but no time together. Then I would be like, Okay, I don't even now because what you say doesn't happen.
00:19:07
Speaker 4: We're never together.
00:19:08
Speaker 3: I don't feel it being intimate with you. And I would say to anybody that's on number two or number three or number ten, do what you say, say what you mean, and put the time in, because now it's like I can't believe I'm five years and I still have butterflies. But it's not just the sexual side of it. It's the Yeah, it's who he is with me, with my kids. I look at him and I'm like, oh my gosh, that's all mine. And I'm not talking about the man sitting poolside and his wareshorts hot as hell to me.
00:19:36
Speaker 4: I'm talking about the man in my home.
00:19:38
Speaker 3: And when I feel like for women, there's the spark, right, like you're gonna lit a spark, like do something and say what you do or do what you say.
00:19:46
Speaker 4: She is going to be like, I'm that that is mine.
00:19:48
Speaker 1: Like I tell that to my kids.
00:19:51
Speaker 2: I tell it specifically to my daughter, like, yes, you're gonna fall with your heart and with your body. Yeah, you gotta just try if you can, and at this young age to not be completely controlled by that to think, you know, and my grandmother used to say to me all the time, he doesn't have to be rich, he has to be ambitious, he doesn't have to be I don't know. A million things like that that I always took with me, and I try to sort of, you know, put to give them my kids those same values anyway, not about me moving on, since we're talking about ten million kids between you, how did the mix go guys, like from the beginning, well, go ahead.
00:20:33
Speaker 6: We were just talking about it yesterday to a friend who the one Jen mentioned is going through divorce right now.
00:20:39
Speaker 1: Yeah.
00:20:41
Speaker 5: I think it was so organic.
00:20:42
Speaker 4: We let it be organic, so there was no forcing it.
00:20:45
Speaker 3: It was kind of like the kids knew about Ryan, Ryan's kids knew about me, and then there was never like a we are going to dinner and you guys are going to meet and I have by Ryan has two, so it was a weird. One would be kind of ready and then that would be like a hangout with that. And it took time, though, Jen. And there's this one trip when my daughter was on board, ready to go, loved him, and it was our first travel trip together and we went to Vegas with my daughter and her girlfriend and I remember Ryan, when we were holding hands and walking down Vegas, my daughter shut down like that was it. And so that trip took a turn we didn't anticipate. So it was a lot of me with Evvy's, a lot of talking with her. I think it was the realization of seeing mom, not with dad, but seeing mom like with Ryan like I'm holding Ryan's hand, I'm walking with Ryan, I'm and that was emotional for her, and I just think the best thing my advice is you've got to let the kids feel what they feel. There's no way to make it right when it's wrong. There's no way to make them. You just have to let it be and they do come around. I mean we were faced with early on Jen. Will set the kids down and he was like, this is who took your mom. This is he's a bad man. And you told me, you said it's hurt from Will's just hurt, and this is what he's That's okay, he's just hurt right now, and we're going to keep showing up for these kids for time.
00:22:11
Speaker 4: They'll see it and I'm telling you, it just took the.
00:22:14
Speaker 1: Time, and they do.
00:22:15
Speaker 6: I would say for me, it was more of like a three pronged approach. My two kids at the time Jen entered my life. I'm now four years divorced, so my kids were ready and open for dad to meet somebody. Jen's kids met me at a time where yeah, so it was that parncy.
00:22:36
Speaker 5: It was chaos because Jen left her marriage and went right to me.
00:22:39
Speaker 6: So the kids didn't have this rougher time of Hey, mom and dad have been separated, divorced for a year or two and now mom met somebody. There was not that, So I think first prong would be my kids were open ready, and it was so easy for my kids in Jen and I and then Jen's youngest two at the time, Jeez Dom's eleven now it was five, and Eddie is fifteen. She was like nine.
00:23:04
Speaker 5: They were much more easy and open and it was her older boys, I think boys in general, but their ages.
00:23:12
Speaker 6: Made that a little bit more, that runway a little bit longer for them to who is this guy, what's he here for?
00:23:18
Speaker 5: And I can respect that.
00:23:19
Speaker 6: So I think in the three prong approach, we just let it continue to unfold without having any.
00:23:25
Speaker 4: You know, expectation, expectation or timelines.
00:23:28
Speaker 5: And it's been it worked in our favor.
00:23:40
Speaker 2: I said earlier that I didn't I don't feel guilty to my kids about the infidelities. I feel guilty though, about some of the ways in which I handled them when we were separated, because I had a boyfriend and he became part of the household, and I definitely, looking back, have guilt about that. For allowing that even though and my kids were really young and well like seven and nine, so not quite as young as yours, but so they really didn't even have I don't think like the wherewithal to say we don't like this right, But I should have had the wherewithal to say this needs more time to breathe. And I got very wrapped up in this boyfriend and it wasn't not blaming him, but we moved very quickly into this thing.
00:24:33
Speaker 1: And so I don't have, like I said, guilt.
00:24:36
Speaker 2: I do have guilt, not, you know, not when it comes to maybe some of the infidelities and things that happened between me and Jeff, I feel like they're between me and Jeff. But the things that I guess affected my kids, I do, and I get that, gen You're not alone because I made mistakes in that area as well.
00:24:50
Speaker 4: I think mom guilt is like such a thing. I still do it.
00:24:54
Speaker 3: I just told him yesterday. I used to be like the Christmas mom, I mean, freaking miss clause here.
00:25:00
Speaker 4: Now I can see that dress around money.
00:25:03
Speaker 1: Is it enough?
00:25:04
Speaker 4: Is it the Christmases they used to have.
00:25:06
Speaker 3: I mom guilt myself, like, well, I just want the holidays done because I need to know it was enough that they're happy and they felt like it was Christmas, damn it.
00:25:12
Speaker 4: And I did enough.
00:25:13
Speaker 3: But I don't know why we do that, Jeff, Like I can mom guilt myself over anything, and I feel like I want to. That is something I want to get better at because I know you and I know me. We're damn good moms.
00:25:25
Speaker 1: Yeah, And I don't know why we do that.
00:25:27
Speaker 4: I don't feel like men do that as much as women do. Like dad, guilt is not a thing, No, not like that.
00:25:34
Speaker 2: Uh, Jeff Fessler is as perfect a father as I could have ever hoped for. And I am not a perfect mother. So you know it's like I try, I think to myself, I can't imagine him. I try to guilt him sometimes, but he is nothing.
00:25:47
Speaker 5: It doesn't want work, No, he.
00:25:50
Speaker 2: Just has nothing to feel to feel guilty about. But I make plenty of mistakes and have had plenty of guilt as a mom.
00:25:57
Speaker 1: You know over them.
00:25:58
Speaker 2: I know that that you're right. That is that is so so common. Gen I look at you and I think you must be and I see it on TV. But the most loving, devoted mother, just the whole way you have about you, and I see it in your relationships with your kids on TV.
00:26:14
Speaker 1: So interesting.
00:26:14
Speaker 2: And I had a mother who listen, she had a lot to deal with and it wasn't great a my house growing up. And my therapist always says to me, it's not very easy to break that. It's certainly it's very difficult to break patterns. And I do know that I've been a very good mom, and I know that it was without really working hard on myself, I wouldn't have been the mom that I've been. But I've been in therapy for so many years and it's helped me so much. And I think that specifically, I speak so much about my kids in therapy and I get so much great feedback and that has really helped me. But with all of that, gen, You're right, we all have mom guilt, and Ryan, I would think you have some dad guilt.
00:26:56
Speaker 6: I mean, oh, definitely, especially in the beginning, right because I was a doer. I'm the one that wanted the divorce. I definitely like some guilt. I think fast forward now, and this is the great part about you can attest to this gen with your kids being the age as they are, they're now at ages where we're parents and we're friends. Yeah, And I enjoy my kids so much. They actually I want to go to dinner with my kids, where before it's like we got to take the kids dinner and feed them. Now it's like, you know, we want them when we get to bring them with us, the older ones, especially, just because the dialogue communication is different. My kids would sit here with us today and have told us I can't even imagine you a mom being together. You're so different as people. Mom's great in her way and you're great in your way. But I can't even imagine. And they were old enough when we were obviously together, they just can't see it. So it's cool that they can mature through it, and that erode some of the guilt that we may put on ourselves. When the kids can say, oh, mom's so happy, Mom's doing great. I couldn't even imagine you a mom together that type thing.
00:27:53
Speaker 1: Ah, I totally can imagine. That's such a relief.
00:27:55
Speaker 2: It's so interesting because even like in this Ryan, you're so honest, Like when they were younger, it's like kids out to dinner with Yeah, right, that is the truth of it, and it is I mean, I said to Rachel my daughter yesterday, I'm like, I can't. We like opened a bottle of wine. I'm like every time i feel like like I'm drinking wine and then I'm like, wait a second, Yeah, yeah, it's incredible. We also smoke pot for the first time.
00:28:21
Speaker 4: Together, so that was Actually, that's hilarious.
00:28:25
Speaker 2: I shouldn't admitted that on the pod, but anyway, anyway, anyway, I wish, I really do that we had seen more of you with Ryan, with your relationship with your kids on the show.
00:28:35
Speaker 1: I don't know if they are. Maybe they're not interested in being on it.
00:28:38
Speaker 5: So my son is a senior in college, so he's not you know.
00:28:41
Speaker 6: We filmed our gene typically films from let's call it February to May, and he's in school so he's not here.
00:28:48
Speaker 5: And then my daughter, twenty years old is has a full time job.
00:28:53
Speaker 6: So it's tough. Both of them would be interested if they were. Yeah, just tough schedule wise to get seven kids. Hey, we're filming at this time with their lives in school and everything else.
00:29:04
Speaker 4: Mine, see, this is the difference Jen, like with mine.
00:29:06
Speaker 3: I can tell Harrison who's at USC like they need to see you, like I need to film with you, so you have to pick a weekend and come home because they you know, producers or whatever. We'll say, like what's question. But when it comes to his kids, I do still feel like there's like a fine line and a boundary that I need to respect as stepmom that his kids have lives and my job is not their job. Right, And so we did have a couple of times they didn't show it, but we had a great couple of like all of the kids and my god, it was like the best morning and everybody was here.
00:29:39
Speaker 4: So it has happened a couple of times. It just didn't you know, how things get cut.
00:29:42
Speaker 1: Yeah, So I mean Heather, and Heather's okay with it.
00:29:49
Speaker 5: Excellent with it. Yeah.
00:29:50
Speaker 6: I mean, like I said, we're just in different places and stages. So yeah, she's in full support of the kids being a part of it if they want to be a part of it. And she also knows that it's are strong enough to say, yeah I don't really want to I don't want to be a part of it or not today for whatever reason.
00:30:05
Speaker 5: Yeah, a lot of respect there.
00:30:07
Speaker 1: Yeah, and will jen is he's been okay with it.
00:30:10
Speaker 4: Well, he doesn't have a choice, Jen, I mean, I don't need.
00:30:12
Speaker 1: To make money, right, I need to make the money and so.
00:30:17
Speaker 3: Yes, And so I think I think Will understands, like in the position he's in right now, that he's not being able to support the way he anticipated. So I think he has no say to be like I don't want you doing this, you know, because he knows that's what provides for the kids and I.
00:30:31
Speaker 4: So he doesn't say anything. He honestly, you know, it would be so cool. And I've thought about this. I wish they would build like I am so open.
00:30:40
Speaker 3: I would love to be like you know, Will has this new dynamic in his life with his new girlfriend or not new, but they've been together, and we'll talk about it, like I see who I was married to, and then I see this man with his girlfriend.
00:30:52
Speaker 4: I'm like, Wow, No, wonder we didn't work.
00:30:55
Speaker 3: You know, you can that person in that new relationship and they wag their dynamics are in the way our dynamics were. It's so weird to think that Will and I tried for so long to make it work. And I wish we could all be way more friendlier.
00:31:08
Speaker 4: And open than it's been to me.
00:31:10
Speaker 3: I hate this on my side, Jen, the co parenting has sucked, like big time and his wife or whatever she is, I've known her for years, Like really, yeah, this was a girl that I just loved pieces and she's got four kids.
00:31:25
Speaker 1: Do I remember that? Did you talk about that on the show?
00:31:28
Speaker 4: Yeah, we talked about it briefly.
00:31:29
Speaker 1: It sounds familiar. Okay, So it's so sad and so.
00:31:33
Speaker 3: Weird, like why can't like they're so happy, We're so happy? My gosh, looks like y'all do making a prediction.
00:31:39
Speaker 2: Remember I said this, I am predicting that the four of you are going to be friends whatever that looks like. I can see it comings who because of who the two of you are and maybe even the six of you.
00:31:51
Speaker 1: Wait, does Heather have a boyfriend for years?
00:31:56
Speaker 4: His name's Ryan?
00:31:57
Speaker 5: Two?
00:31:57
Speaker 1: Are you serious? And do you guys you're all get along? And Jen, of course you do right on our side?
00:32:04
Speaker 4: Yes, side is easy?
00:32:06
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's coming. I feel like you're I know, but I feel like it's coming. How were you able to not discuss the issues about money with the kids or did it just no?
00:32:16
Speaker 3: I tell them, they yeah, no, no, no, in the beginning, But now it's very We're just very open. Listen, I'm not trash talking their father. And when I talk, I know you about it. I talk about Dad's in the spot. Dad, Dad's in the spot. Dad's not able to commit to what he needs to right now. So we're not doing Chick fil A five times this week, or you know, Grayson will be like, I need gas and he'll say, do you want me to ask Dad? And I always say, sure, try Dad, But if it doesn't work, you.
00:32:44
Speaker 4: Know, coming.
00:32:46
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right you guys.
00:32:48
Speaker 2: So I have definitely been hitting you with a lot of questions. I'm sorry I have a lot more. So we are going to have to come back with a part two.