“Meeting Twice in Person and She’s Thinking of Marrying Him?”

00:00:02
Speaker 1: Hey, that folks did is Wednesday, September seventeenth, and Anna wrote into us and she needed some relationship advice. We gave her hours, and then you gave her yours. And apparently there's no middle ground on this one. Welcome to this ask Amy and TJ edition of Amy and TJ robes this one. It sounds like we get arranged usually when people write into our Yahoo advice column, but this is one at least when from what you described, people were either absolutely hell yeah, go for it. I had a good story, or hell, know what's wrong with you?

00:00:40
Speaker 2: Right? So the hell yeah people were those who had similar experiences or quick love like quick dating or engagement periods and got married within months and had successful relationships. Some of them were long distance, some of them were not, but just the duration was an issue, fact that they've only known each other for eight months and have only spent three weeks together. So people went on that angle, and then other people talked about the massive long distance that she's facing because yes, she lives in Oregon and he lives in France, so this is Anna. And then there were those who just said she was flat out crazy. I actually think our advice was middle of the road. I think we said it is going to be very difficult and you have a lot of obstacles to overcome, but we would never tell you to not pursue someone who you think is the love of your life.

00:01:33
Speaker 1: And again we're talking about a young lady who wrote into our latest Yahoo column that you can find on Yahoo dot com in the life section, which she wrote into us dealing with what folks A lot of folks deal with robes a long distance relationship and long distance from for some people can be from Manhattan to Trenton, but for some people it's New York to LA For some people it's Memphis and Chicago. For some people it's a greater This woman is trying to do Orgon in France with a man she did not have an established relationship with. That's always the thing I harp on. Look, if you're a solid you all a solid friendship, and your relationship is solid, then deal with the challenge of distance. It can work the other way too. I guess you could start off with a long distance, but Oregon to France is a tough one.

00:02:22
Speaker 2: It's yes, logistically, it's it's overwhelming.

00:02:26
Speaker 1: You haven't even looked that up by the away as you're doing. How long does it take to get well?

00:02:31
Speaker 2: You do that? I'm going to read just for people who need a refresher, or if you haven't seen the column, I'll read Anna's initial question to us Amy and TJ. I am a twenty five year old woman and have been dating the love of my life for eight months. But there's one problem. He lives in France and I live in Oregon. We've only met in person twice. That's a big problem.

00:02:54
Speaker 1: How many months to get eight? Okay? Sorry?

00:02:57
Speaker 2: Once on a two week road trip here in the US, once when I visited him, and I don't speak French, so I can't communicate with his parents. But I'm convinced he's the one. He's willing to move to the US, but getting a job on a sponsored visa is almost impossible these days. Should I apply for the fiance visa? Do I marry him so he can move here? And hope for the best? Anna, Okay, I.

00:03:23
Speaker 1: Know a lot of people your ears perked up when somebody says hope for the best on something like this, But isn't that what we're all doing every single day in major decisions we're making you do the best you can with the information you have.

00:03:35
Speaker 2: Yes, I think I was definitely struck by that last phrase because I feel it. Wow, that doesn't seem that confident. Hope for the best. Look, you even give me crap When I say I'll try to do that. You say no, you don't try to do something. Either you do it or you don't. So it's kind of funny when someone says I hope for the best. Maybe I've started to come to your way of thinking. No, either you're going to make it work and make it happen or you don't. But don't just hope and leave it up to fate and leave it up to chance. I do think when you're in a relationship, I'll harken back to my mom and how unromantic this all sounded to me. But when she told me, love is a decision, and I get it when you have that real foundation of love and respect, and when you have those two things, I do believe that you can choose to make it work. You can choose to get through the tough times, whether it's distance or a disagreement or whatever, if you choose to keep loving someone no matter what. And I do think that that is the right way to think about a relationship when you're with the right person.

00:04:45
Speaker 1: But again our issue you give advice there. I don't think we would be this measure, this call if our children came to us with this scenario, are that they wanted to bring some guy from so they've known for eight months, seen him for two weeks, and I'm going to be financially responsible for him. For him now, I would argue, there's so many twenty five year olds in this country who are not financially stable and who are dependent on their payers. Most are not already, So how is she going to do all these things? It's just a big hill to climb. I just didn't want to be dismissive of what she's actually experiencing, what she's actually feeling, because it is powerful and it is real and it is wonderful, But it has to come with what's the line, you tell him to stop watching.

00:05:33
Speaker 2: Stop watching rom coms, and start watching ninety Day Fiance.

00:05:36
Speaker 1: Okay, So the difference is fantasy versus reality. And so the fantasy part is the love and that can be real, and my butterflies and my mother flutter and all these things. But then there is the reality, and as long as she's keeping up with the reality, which means this is going to be hard, it can be hell, and you better damn sure make sure he is worth fighting for.

00:06:00
Speaker 2: When it's tough, because it's easy to feel that way when everything's great and rosy and everybody's sweet and says all the right things and you miss them so much. Like I get that, we all get that, but I do think that as long as to your point, she really decides to get through hard times because the love is worth writing for it. That's why the Whope thing threw me a little bit, because I get it, Like, look when I was twenty five once I understand, you know you you don't know until you know, you don't know what you don't know. So she's got a lot of learning to do, a lot of living to do, and maybe she can do it with him and through this, and you only do learn through experiences. So sage, we don't know his age, and we don't know how her family feels about it. She didn't mention any of that, but your comments, the readers who left comments were actually they're always so fun to read. And actually we had a lot of women weigh in although some of them I can't tell if their manner women. So we were kind of we've always had fun with the men seeming to weigh in more than the women. But I can't tell in some of these names if what gender were dealing with.

00:07:08
Speaker 1: So you seem to say in particular, because I always ask right before we record folks, I don't look at the comments. She collects them and then I just reacting to them in real time. But I always ask, what's the theme? That you have more men than women? It sounded to me at least, and you're how you answered the theme this time around. It seemed to be more meanness or something in a lot of the comment or not including those, but you said people were awfully nasty.

00:07:32
Speaker 2: Well, either they were flippant and kind of even arrogant about it, talking about why would you go somewhere other than the United States. It's ridiculous, like there aren't enough men here, there aren't enough potential partners in this country that you have to go to another country, that kind of thing. But really, people were either in one camp or the other. There was not a lot of middle ground.

00:07:53
Speaker 1: I gotta hear this all right, please, Okay, So the.

00:07:55
Speaker 2: First comment comes to us from Axiovert and axio I don't even know what that means, and I don't know.

00:08:02
Speaker 1: If we should apologize. We're actually have helicopters. Don't know if you all can hear it. We're not outside, but we have our windows open as we're looking over our view here, which includes a lot of helicopter traffic.

00:08:13
Speaker 2: Yes, the Hudson River known for its helicopter traffic. All right, so hopefully you didn't hear that. But Axiovert wrote in this comment to Anna, meeting twice for a short time in person and she is thinking of marriage insanity and if she is not willing to put the effort into learning French, forget it. I agree, it's living day to day with somebody, which is the test whether one can live together. That's fair, That is fair.

00:08:44
Speaker 1: That is very fair. The idea of meeting anybody twice and then deciding you want to marry them seems very far fetched. People have their different experiences, but how much do you can you know someone on FaceTime? Even if you're on FaceTime twice a day, four hours a day, oh for months, is that still the same as seeing them where they leave their underwear? How they do their toothbrush, how they treat your kids, how they are even nice to a dog in the elevator. Will tell you a lot about a person, and you don't know that over FaceTime.

00:09:16
Speaker 2: It's so true. And I actually this sounded to me a lot like what you might say to Sabine in a measured tone, just putting it to her in very real terms. And I actually think it is an interesting point. I don't want to judge her or tell her what she should or shouldn't do, but I do think it's interesting that she just said I don't speak French. She didn't say I'm trying to learn French. I want to try to learn more about his culture. I want to be able to converse with his family, and she maybe she is, she just didn't include that in the letter. And that is something to consider. If you love someone you want to blend your life with his and you want that means blending cultures, That means understanding, that means wanting to learn.

00:09:57
Speaker 1: You know what, for me, if you are serious about this being the love of your life, she should be proficient in French by now what I mean by that, if this is important to where you are making a life plan. Step number one is communication. You have to do. This is the most I would argue, most important things she needs to be doing right now.

00:10:16
Speaker 2: I know and I hate you know so many of us, and I get it. I do not. I am not proficient in another language. I can get by on some Spanish, but it is one of those things that I always feel a little embarrassed about as I travel as an American. But if I loved someone who whose first language was another language, I think it would actually be just a fun challenge to put myself into that dual lingo mode and start really working on another language. Now we don't know if she hasn't. She just didn't include that, and she did point out she doesn't speak French.

00:10:45
Speaker 1: She pointed it out though always it's key to me and all these things like why did they mention that? I think it must be relevant for some reason. And the thing is if she she should be. If she has a French teacher, just talk to him in French.

00:11:00
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, how cool is that?

00:11:02
Speaker 1: It's very good. It's the best way to learn. But anyway, we don't know exactly what's going on there with Yes to your point on that point, I didn't emphasize or harp that.

00:11:09
Speaker 2: Enough, so Axiover was not in favor of her applying for the day point visa. All right, MM writes this, I met my then pen friend in July of nineteen eighty one. We had just a six week We had just six weeks writing each other before meeting. That July, we toured the area. I showed him the sites. We went to an Ario Speedwagon concert. I kind of love that. MM. I'm a fan too, and watched the royal wedding of Diana and Charles on TV. He was from England and I from the US. We married the following October in nineteen eighty one. For the following six months he went to war with Argentina and all we had were letters daily. Next month we celebrate forty four years together. So yes, it can happen. I wish them luck and happiness.

00:12:01
Speaker 1: That is so cool. What a great story, But I'm still trying it. What's the timing though? That take me through the dates again. The timing is what she met.

00:12:09
Speaker 2: Her pen friends. So she met him first, and she said, I met my then pen friend in July of nineteen eighty one, and we had so they had just basically they.

00:12:19
Speaker 1: Were writing each other.

00:12:20
Speaker 2: So I had a pen pal when I was in grade school in the eighties actually, and she was in Italy. No, it wasn't a guy. It was just like your friends, like EXAs. But I was a thing back then.

00:12:30
Speaker 1: Don't break up over this baby. It was way back then. I'm not going to hold your past relationships against you.

00:12:34
Speaker 2: Know. The funny thing is, yes, hilarious, so you are still writing. But no, it's a her and it was. It was in second grade. We were given like a writing I can't even remember her name.

00:12:45
Speaker 1: But you might not know if it was a man or a woman.

00:12:48
Speaker 2: It was a class project where we each got a pen pal. But second grade, yes, but it was so exciting anyway, So back then that was the thing. In the eighties, we didn't have email, we didn't have the internet. We had pen pals.

00:13:02
Speaker 1: So I'm setting up her timeline. Yes, a pen pal though, so they could have been communicating. Who knows how long.

00:13:08
Speaker 2: They wrote each other for just six weeks? Oh, actually back and forth. They wrote just for six weeks, back and forth before they ended up meeting in July of nineteen eighty one. They married in October of nineteen eighty one.

00:13:22
Speaker 1: The same year. Yes, the sick say six months, so what's the difference.

00:13:25
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean July, not even July, August, September, October, oh, three months. They met after writing for six weeks and they married in three months. Hey you know, hey, that's true, especially in this case. But then once they got married, he then had to go to Argentina to go to war for six months. Did not know there was a British war that he had to go to in Argentina. But so then for six months they wrote letters daily. So that's pretty cool they had that connection. There is something about a handwritten letter that's pretty cool.

00:13:58
Speaker 1: It's and it's personal, and it takes time, and it takes thought because you can't just erase it and mean to do that. You have to think through what you're saying. I love love love a letter.

00:14:08
Speaker 2: And so he came back from war and they've been together for forty four years.

00:14:11
Speaker 1: I would love to talk to her as well. We should look her up, we should track her down, and we should have her a part of our love story series. But I am that window. What was it in the six weeks of writing? So you're essentially talking about four and a half months of knowing somebody and you were married, correct and only three months of that? Where did you know each other face to face? Is that correct? It can happen, and I think that's the story that's in so many rom coms that works out, and we think that is the norm, or is yes, it's aspirationable, aspirational.

00:14:44
Speaker 2: Even if it's not necessarily likely, right, And I think obviously MM would tell you it wasn't all rainbows and sunshine and unicorn. I mean there are. It's a marriage and it has its ups and downs what I'm talking about, But I think that's pretty cool and it's nice to have Anna see that she talked about hope. MM gave her hope.

00:15:07
Speaker 1: All right, So we got a few more to get through, so stay with us. We got a few more coming and Robes. I'm gonna let you do the tas you tell me. What is it that people got to make sure they stick around in here? In terms of the responses from people to our writer.

00:15:24
Speaker 2: Okay, well, we have another a few other really cool long distance love stories that are worth hearing, like they will inspire you. So that's pretty cool. And then you have well a cheeky response that's fun to listen to.

00:15:42
Speaker 1: All right, stay here for the cheekiness and the fun.

00:15:54
Speaker 2: Welcome back to this edition of Amy and TJ. It is our ask Amy and TJ. But it's our favorite version of that because this is when we read some of our favorite comments that were left from our Yahoo advice column Ask Amy and TJ. It's there in the life section on yahoo dot com. And this was a question from Anna. She's known her the love of her life, she says, for eight months. She's only met him in person twice and spent a total of three weeks with him, and yet she wants to know if she should go ahead and apply for the fiance visa and marry the guy and hope for the best. But she doesn't speak French. She lives in Oregon and he lives in France. So she's got a lot of things working against her, but a lot of love that she wants to share and develop with him. So Martin writes this to Anna, and actually he quotes you in the beginning, so this will be a little ataboy to you. So Martin starts off with your advice and he put it in quotes. If you know he's the love of your life, then why hurry? Why not spend time building the relationship instead of marrying and potentially making a mistake that will take years to undo. If you get engaged and he moves here, then you're responsible for him and you've only known him for eight months and you can't speak French. That's a lot. Do you remember saying that? Sounds like you I was.

00:17:11
Speaker 1: Just about to say that exact thing. What was the first part of that?

00:17:15
Speaker 2: Again, if you know he's the love of your life, then why hurry?

00:17:19
Speaker 1: But others can say, if you know he's the love of your life, why wait?

00:17:23
Speaker 2: Okay, all right, so he goes on. Martin goes on to say, I completely agree with this point. So he agrees with you, TJ. And then he says this, I made the move to India to marry my wife. That was fifteen years ago. We also met online in a chat room. We became friends first, and then over a period of one and a half years, we met when I took my first trip to India. Nearly two years later, I then moved to India and we married.

00:17:55
Speaker 1: Wow.

00:17:55
Speaker 2: What made the difference for us is that we spent the time getting to know each other. Oh yeah, through daily chats, both text and video calls. Through that we were able to establish a sense of not only respect, but one of trust woo, which are cornerstones for any relationship. So from my perspective, I would give the same advice don't rush and take your time because if you are meant to be then be patient and it will happen.

00:18:22
Speaker 1: Hey, how can you? Wow? That's not the last one that this was great. That was a mic dropper. That was great. But I love that people take it seriously, like they are actually feeling like they're looking out for someone and giving genuine advice and they're being vulnerable and doing it. I love it. Thank you, thank you.

00:18:40
Speaker 2: Yeah. And that was really cool because he had a similar experience, but he took a different path than she's suggesting. And I do think that if I agreed with anybody the most, it would be.

00:18:50
Speaker 1: Martin And I say that thing at the top. If you know, then what's the rush? If you know why the wait? Which way do you? Then? Oh?

00:18:59
Speaker 2: WHA can be so in the former category because I have done the rush and it hasn't worked because I didn't take the time to actually get to know someone and this wasn't somebody I was dealing with in a long distance relationship.

00:19:11
Speaker 1: No, it's the one you're saying right right. The argument they're making, both of them.

00:19:15
Speaker 2: If you know somebody's the one, take the time to make sure because you'll make morement.

00:19:20
Speaker 1: So you don't know that because you.

00:19:21
Speaker 2: Know what in that moment. But if that not, that might not be the same knowledge you have a year from now or two years, because you will have learned more. You will have learned more with the knowledge you have right now. You are speaking the truth. But you don't know everything information. You don't have enough information. Please, I have lived this. You don't have enough information in eight months. And look, sometimes my mom will even say this. My mom got married. My mom and dad got married at the age of eighteen, and they literally say this to me all the time. And I don't think it's just to make me feel better about my two exes. They say to me, Amy, at that age, we had no idea what we're doing. We got lucky. We got lucky. And I do think there is something to that. Yes, it can work, it absolutely can. You can meet somebody in the next day marry them, and it can work. But it also probably won't. And I mean, you really do have to get lucky, I think to not know someone the way I think you should know someone and or or the other thing is you come from similar backgrounds, you have this similar belief that you just choose love no matter what, and you just have that same mindset. It's just rare these days. So I just I really like what Martin had to say. Okay, we'll move on now to Patrick. Patrick. Patrick and Kat I've got two short ones that are very similar. So I just included them just to make Anna feel maybe a little bit better about that hope thing. Patrick, my wife and I dated four months when we got married. Two of those months were spent waiting on the church. That was fifty two years ago. It's cute, that's cute. I just wanted to include that little nod.

00:21:06
Speaker 1: And then Keith decide if you wanted to get married in two months?

00:21:08
Speaker 2: Yeah, they knowew in two months, yepo, and fifty two years later they're still together.

00:21:13
Speaker 1: That was all.

00:21:13
Speaker 2: Yeah, it was very quick. It was very cute. Kat had a similar one. I met my hobby. He was in Connecticut. I lived in Ontario, Canada, nineteen ninety eight. Online in an AOL chat room. We met in person a few months later. I would have married him that week celebrated twenty six years in July. It gives you hope, it does. So I just wanted to include those two because if they look, we all are rooting for that, and that sounds so beautiful and amazing, and it actually makes me get emotional hearing both of those. So that's why I wanted to include them. All right, So maybe I shouldn't have ended on this hour note. You're right, I put it. I should have put Martin at the end. See, I'm going to end on.

00:21:54
Speaker 1: Aw do we have to add the last one?

00:21:58
Speaker 2: You know what?

00:21:59
Speaker 1: We're teasing it too much, We don't. We're messing with people.

00:22:01
Speaker 2: I did. I did say there was a little bitterness.

00:22:04
Speaker 1: So now everybody's like that.

00:22:07
Speaker 2: Maybe I'll just end on another nod to Martin at the end?

00:22:11
Speaker 1: All right?

00:22:12
Speaker 2: Richard wrote this, did they run out of men in Oregon or even in the continental US? And did they run out of women in France? You met someone from France and got the hots for him in parentheses lust then fell in love not thinking about the consequences.

00:22:32
Speaker 1: Wah wah, you know what I hear that it is possible. Yeah, he describes a possible some would say likely, but also a very frequent happening. It does, It's going to happen to day somewhere. Okay, so what do you do? Yeah he was a little snarky with that, but the idea out of you can't help who you fall in love with, where that person might be. Sometimes you were blessed enough to be in France and meet somebody. Congratulations to you, but you can't have anything. I get that, and I don't know the dating scene in Oregon. By the way, I don't need anybody.

00:23:10
Speaker 2: And I think somebody, Yeah, well, who doesn't love a French accent? That just makes everybody sexier. You can take like the least sexy person and have them to speak French and I'm like, wow, they're kind of cute.

00:23:23
Speaker 1: And you know what, what's the thing. What's the number one thing about dating that I say? I cannot if I see smoking smoking, can't do it?

00:23:31
Speaker 2: A lot of French smoke. Is that what you're thinking? You know, you can make some exceptions, so the accent would out would outweigh the accent.

00:23:39
Speaker 1: The attitude. The style is just something just we love about the French for some reason something.

00:23:46
Speaker 2: It's that that's what it is.

00:23:48
Speaker 1: We don't actually know what to do, but good luck to you and we are rooting for you. And again to everybody that's been writing in, thank you for being vulnerable. We're just trying to have more realistic relationship conversations this column has allowed us to do. So we're looking forward to possibly expanding and doing much more and bigger things with Yahoo down the pike. But this was a certainly a wonderful, wonderful way for us to get our relationship going with them, and I am rose. This has been great because I didn't expect. People took so much of so many of the questions so seriously and to heart and were vulnerable and we started having conversations I didn't expect. So this has been great.

00:24:28
Speaker 2: Yeah, it has been because it feels a little more old school, back in the day when we didn't have text chat rooms that we had advice columns and people writing in and so this was really fun, a really fun experiment, and we really appreciated everybody coming along the ride with us. But thank you for listening today. I'm Amy Robach alongside TJ. Holmes and we'll talk to you real soon.