Is It True Love Or Are You Being Love Bombed?

00:00:02
Speaker 1: Hey there, everybody.

00:00:02
Speaker 2: It is Sunday, August sixteenth, And there is a fine line between love and love bombing, and with that, welcome to this episode of Amy and TJ.

00:00:13
Speaker 3: Supposed to be a fine line between love and hate? Isn't that the way you goes?

00:00:16
Speaker 4: Yes, that is what they usually say.

00:00:17
Speaker 1: Okay, but there's a fine line between that.

00:00:19
Speaker 3: Love bombing is something I only am up on the past couple of years because you started talking to me about it.

00:00:27
Speaker 1: It sounded like a good thing to me.

00:00:29
Speaker 5: I get it, and at first it does feel like a good thing, and oftentimes most people don't recognize it's happening to them until the love bombing shifts into something else and sometimes more sinister, borderline abuse abusive.

00:00:45
Speaker 4: It goes from being effusive.

00:00:47
Speaker 5: To controlling, and that is where psychologists step in and say women and men who are in these types of relationships need to pay attention to the red flags because it could just be ick or annoying, or it could actually be controlling and abuses.

00:01:03
Speaker 3: I got so many questions throughout. I know you've got a lot of stuff in front. This is one of those episodes, folks, where she has she has a whole list of notes and things in front of her that she's gonna hit me with that she's just gonna let me react or overreact to perhaps. But I got a bunch of questions already, and the first one is is this mostly something done by men to women or women?

00:01:21
Speaker 5: It is, yes, absolutely, that is because it's the courtship, it's the chase, it's the you know, the conquest, so to speak.

00:01:29
Speaker 3: So yeah, another question, because it's only during your dating period or does it happen once you're in.

00:01:33
Speaker 5: An The love bombing happens in the courtship focus. And so that is why it is so effective, because it's early on and it's done by someone to capture your heart.

00:01:45
Speaker 4: There they are a little Okay.

00:01:46
Speaker 5: A clinical psychologist put it like this, I'll give you the clinical definition.

00:01:50
Speaker 4: Of love bombing.

00:01:51
Speaker 1: Wait they're studying.

00:01:52
Speaker 5: This, Oh yeah, and I'm going to give you some history on it too. I learned some things. So a clinical psychologist put it like this, It is a full form of idealization and seduction that becomes the prelude to what will be emotional manipulation and control.

00:02:08
Speaker 1: Okay, the first part didn't sound terrible? Is that bad? Was the first part?

00:02:10
Speaker 4: That's why it feels so good. Yeah, it's a form of idealization.

00:02:14
Speaker 5: They're idolizing you, they're putting you up, and they're they're making you feel.

00:02:17
Speaker 4: Like you're perfect, and they think you're perfect.

00:02:19
Speaker 3: And another question, can you do that part without getting to the next part? Can you just give the love without the bomb? I'm saying, can you do all these things that idolize somebody but then stop short of the control thing? Is that still it is possible?

00:02:34
Speaker 5: And they did say that not all love bombers become abusive, but this was interesting. A woman who is in the John Jay Criminal John Jay College of Criminal Justice, I thought this was so interesting. She said, she has noticed in every domestic violence case she's ever had, there was a period of love bombing. Wow, not all love bombers become abusive, but most women who find themselves in abusive situations were love bombed.

00:03:03
Speaker 3: Can I ask this, can even if the love bombing doesn't lead to the abusive stuff later physical or emotional otherwise, is it still bad?

00:03:13
Speaker 1: Yes, love bombing is still bad.

00:03:14
Speaker 4: Manipulative.

00:03:15
Speaker 5: It's not necessarily coming from a place of truth, It's coming from a place of manipulation.

00:03:20
Speaker 4: They want to make you feel so.

00:03:22
Speaker 5: Good and that they're the only ones who can make you feel that good, that you're beholden to them in a way that you wouldn't have been otherwise.

00:03:30
Speaker 4: That's what it is.

00:03:31
Speaker 5: But listen to where this came from. This actually was a tactic. The phrase love bombing was coined by the Unification Church in South Korea. This was referred to it's referred to as a cult by former members. But this is from the nineteen seventies, and this was something they did where they would shower potential recruits into this cult by giving them warmth and praise, and they would feel so good that they would join. And that's how they would get new cult members into their group. And so they called it love bombing, and that is now what we casually refer to oftentimes men laying it on thick to try and get a woman to date him.

00:04:15
Speaker 3: Okay, Okay, I need examples. Okay, because what stops short of love bombing?

00:04:20
Speaker 5: Right?

00:04:20
Speaker 3: Because sending flowers nice notes? How much is too much? Does it needs to be a grand gesture that makes it love bombing? What exactly are we talking about?

00:04:29
Speaker 5: Okay, it's all of the above, So how it begins. If this is what they say to start looking for. He starts praising you, incessantly, tells you you're perfect, that sounds complimentary, tells you you're the woman he's been waiting for his entire life. I send you flowers, takes you out on lavish day, he send you loving texts. Yes, but it's all day, every day, they say, love bombers. Won't go a day without seeing you, won't go a day without texting you, and.

00:04:59
Speaker 4: Will check in with you. They'll send you funny jokes.

00:05:02
Speaker 5: But it's just non stop, and it's over the top, and it never sees says who is.

00:05:08
Speaker 1: Over the top?

00:05:09
Speaker 3: Would won't You find a lot of women who hear then go wow, wish my man would do.

00:05:11
Speaker 5: That exactly, And that is the lure most Yes, most of us are like, it feels really good, especially when it's someone you're attracted to, someone you think is marriage material or boyfriend material. Yeah, you're going to get swept up in it, that's the whole point.

00:05:28
Speaker 4: Yes, it does feel good.

00:05:29
Speaker 3: But isn't there robes room that needs to be left for that being sincere?

00:05:36
Speaker 5: Yes, and they do say that it is possible that it's just a fine line between someone who is courting you and someone who is love bombing you. Here's when you know it begins to shift. He starts monitoring your texts and calls. He starts challenging you when you're talking to other friends or you say you have other things to do. He makes you feel like you have to go along with what he wants or you'll lose him. So they start to he starts and oh, here's the other thing. You start to recognize this a love bomber. A true love bomber has a strategy, and they play on your weakness. So if you don't think you're that attractive, he will constantly tell you how beautiful you are. If you don't feel like you're that smart, he will constantly tell you how intelligent you are. He will feed off your vulnerabilities. He will see where you're weak and he will lavish praise specific to those weaknesses.

00:06:30
Speaker 3: Okay again, though, can do we not recognize a love bomber until the bad stuff starts happening? Because what you are explaining, and I'm the pushback here I hear is that, yeah, he's lifting a woman up who might have areas that she's not confident it.

00:06:48
Speaker 1: Some would say that's awesome.

00:06:51
Speaker 5: Yes, but then some would say that's manipulative, and some would say that it's they say, you know, as a woman, deep down, this doesn't feel right, like why is he saying all of these things like it? Yes, So there is a final line. And here's the other thing. This was the big this is the big difficult part about this. And that's why you hear on Love Island and all these relationship shows women with other women questioning or saying he's love bombing you or I feel like he might be love bombing me.

00:07:21
Speaker 4: It's a it's a red flag, it's a warning sign. It doesn't feel genuine.

00:07:25
Speaker 5: And so the problem is oftentimes you get lured into the relationship before you realize what's happening, and.

00:07:33
Speaker 4: That is part of the problem.

00:07:34
Speaker 5: So you have to kind of have a an antenna up that this is something that happens, This is something that men do. So it is the basis and the intent behind it is controlled.

00:07:49
Speaker 3: So if a guy is being very loving, attentive, giving you compliments, sending you flowers and notes, run no it had I.

00:07:59
Speaker 1: Know you're saying, yeah, I did.

00:08:04
Speaker 5: Obviously, you know what all of those things are great. It's about the intensity of them. It's the intensity because all of those things are great. And that's why it's a fine line. Because, yes, what woman who's attracted to a man doesn't want to get flowers from him, surprise in the office. What woman doesn't want to hear she's beautiful, or that dress looks hot on you, baby, or someone who gets sent funny.

00:08:30
Speaker 3: Joe, I don't want to hear it, or.

00:08:33
Speaker 4: Like this made me think of you texts someone who wants to see you every day. That's great, but all of a sudden.

00:08:42
Speaker 5: There's an intensity, almost like a mania behind it, and that you should just have an intent up. It's not to distrust love or to distrust affection or attention.

00:08:53
Speaker 4: But there is.

00:08:54
Speaker 5: I do think we all have spidy senses. Okay, let me flip it and reverse it.

00:08:58
Speaker 4: I know, I don't know. Do men feel immediate immediately one way or the other if a woman intensely likes.

00:09:07
Speaker 3: Them, Yeah, we say she's too much and we go about our business. We don't need to stick around and await from manipulation. She's almight, she's feeding my egos, she's doing this, and she's texting out, oh my God, this is too much and we will step back. I guess it doesn't get to that next point necessarily because many guys do respond to a woman doing that by saying, what.

00:09:30
Speaker 4: She's crazy, she's controlling.

00:09:32
Speaker 1: Yeah, she's some obsessed obsession.

00:09:34
Speaker 5: Right.

00:09:35
Speaker 3: This whole idea of the crazy girlfriend be that kind of thing. Guys recognize that and run from that fairly immediately.

00:09:42
Speaker 5: Guys don't like that type of attention typically, correct would you say? They don't like being lavish with gifts and texts and phone calls.

00:09:50
Speaker 3: Let me go with Casey from Love Island for you, what happened when he finally got some attention?

00:09:54
Speaker 1: What fine?

00:09:55
Speaker 5: You know?

00:09:55
Speaker 1: Remember that he.

00:09:56
Speaker 3: Didn't have it and then he got it. It can feed a guy's ego. It can make him feel warm, welcomed. It can be that case I guess the line you use robes with the word is intensity. Yes, and that's the first thing you said that. It started to make sense to me, like, okay, intensity, there is a different level of intensity. Sincerity and intensity don't necessarily go hand in hand in my opinion, because when you're being sincere, it goes over a line to where you are trying to do something.

00:10:29
Speaker 1: You are trying to get a result.

00:10:30
Speaker 3: You are trying, you are you do have a plan if it gets to that level of intensity sincerity with a note. We can recognize that somebody leaving sending flowers just for that, we can recognize it. But intensity was the first thing that finally helped me understand this.

00:10:46
Speaker 1: A little bit.

00:10:47
Speaker 5: Yes, yes, and you know what, I think you also just hit something when you feel like someone is trying to prove something to you that that to me belies their sincerity right there, that they're they're trying too hard for a reason, and that should be noticed.

00:11:03
Speaker 3: How much this is different from the what's the other thing? It's performative when someone does something because they want everybody else to see, or their grand gesture and they get credit.

00:11:12
Speaker 5: For like throwing you a part of your kind of I think that's a part of it too, But that's more just ego right where you act like you're giving a gift to someone else, but it's more like, look at the gift I just gave you. Everybody look at me.

00:11:26
Speaker 3: Yeah that's okay, that's a different thing. You don't want to money the waters, Yeah, I'm sorry, Please.

00:11:29
Speaker 4: Continu all right, when we come back.

00:11:31
Speaker 5: We are going to go over some of the traits of love bombers and what to do if you think you're with one. Welcome back everyone to Amy and TJ. Yes, we are going over some of the traits of love bombers. And again, I do think this needs to be said. While some well it looks like a lot of abusers were love bombers, not all love bombers become abusive, and I do think that that should be noted. We're not saying just because someone's intense in their affection and attention towards you, that that somehow means they're going to turn into a controlling, abusive, horrific significant out there.

00:12:13
Speaker 3: And again we're talking about what point of clarity here, babe, physical and emotional abuse are we talking about?

00:12:19
Speaker 4: Well, yes, in cases, yes, mostly it's emotional abuse. But this woman who.

00:12:24
Speaker 5: Was at the John Jay College of Criminal Justice said that she did see and that was physical that almost in every single instance of domestic violence, of physical violence, she could go back and talk to the woman and there was a history where she was being love bombing. It was a part of the tactic to get women under their control. They had to feel like we always wonder why does she stay? Why would she be with someone like this? There was often a pretty intense period leading up to that abuse where she felt loved and cared for and special, and special being the big part of this. They say, love bombers make you feel like they're the only ones who will love you the way you're being loved, so that feeling, that dopamine hit that Wow, it feels so good to feel loved.

00:13:09
Speaker 4: I won't get that from anyone else.

00:13:10
Speaker 5: And so they keep staying and they keep trying because they're hoping that feeling comes back.

00:13:15
Speaker 1: Another thing, the.

00:13:18
Speaker 3: Do we put manipulation in the same category as abuse, as emotional abusive some kind?

00:13:23
Speaker 1: That is?

00:13:24
Speaker 5: Yes, absolutely, and this is a part of it, so yes, And they say those who do become emotionally abusive do not think they're doing it. They don't even recognize that their emotional abusers. It's it's not even a conscious thing. And they'll even describe themselves as well, the world just doesn't understand me, and they'll just kind of act like they're different than everyone else, but they'll never cop to actually being manipulative and actually being emotionally abusive. And the other thing that they all possess narcissistic traits and behaviors indicating entitlement. So if you are with this person and they they have narcissist traits, and just how they walk around the world, how they move, are they entitled? How do they treat other people? It's this, It all goes in line. Love bombers are entitled narcissists almost all the time.

00:14:13
Speaker 3: That's something you can recognize even outside of your relationship.

00:14:16
Speaker 1: You can see this how they go about moving around the world.

00:14:19
Speaker 5: Yes, so as you're questioning, hmm, this isn't feeling right, then you start seeing other traits and other behaviors. It all falls in line and they say something else that love bombers do. Oftentimes they make ghost you for a few days to illicit panic. They want you to want to realize I might leave, and so again that's the controlling thing. They'll ghost for a couple of days so that you start freaking out, like, oh my god, where they go? So they love bomb, love bomb, love bomb, and then disappear and then come back.

00:14:48
Speaker 4: And now you won't.

00:14:49
Speaker 5: Do anything to upset them because you don't want them to leave. They create this feeling of need and panic. That was really fascinating to me.

00:14:58
Speaker 3: Roll this is and you tell me if I'm taking it too far, But yes, we hear love bombing, and oftentimes I think sometimes we can be dismissive and have even cute little conversations. Oh that's too much, bro, Just sounds like this is serious, something you should look out for. I say, But yes, a woman who treats women with domestic violence is telling us that this was a first sign.

00:15:22
Speaker 1: Yes, really, this is significant.

00:15:24
Speaker 4: And so that was what really piqued my interest.

00:15:26
Speaker 5: I didn't realize, like, and I'm not trying to discount or dismiss emotional abuse, because that is real and awful, but to think it does make sense. I never consider that being another step or another possibility. But that makes a lot of sense now. And so what the experts say is be wary of partners who resent your boundaries, resent your personal interests, resent your friendships, or put pressure on you to prove your loyalty to them. Those are all very significant signs that you're in a love bombing relationship.

00:16:00
Speaker 3: If they resent your independence in anything that brings you joy outside of them.

00:16:03
Speaker 4: Exactly, holy hell, exactly.

00:16:07
Speaker 5: And they say when in these kinds of relationships, they say, are really really hard to end because once you walk away as a woman or I'm just saying a woman, because that's the most most likely scenario or the one that is most prominent. They say that if you try to end it, you oftentimes get retaliation, angry texts, stalking it. Does they just be aware when you end it, it is tough, and so getting up early and recognizing it early is far better. Ultimately, trust your gut. If it feels like it's too much, it probably is.

00:16:41
Speaker 4: And that is it.

00:16:42
Speaker 5: We all know deep down, if it feels like it's too much, it probably is.

00:16:48
Speaker 1: Yeah, You're rarely wrong about these things.

00:16:52
Speaker 4: It's true. We can have moments of hmm.

00:16:54
Speaker 5: But if you are getting a constant, constant feeling that you are being just overwhelmed by somebody, there's a reason behind it. And I just thought this was This is the New York Times, by the way, if anyone wants to read this article really really fascinating about love bombing.

00:17:08
Speaker 1: You've been love bombed.

00:17:10
Speaker 4: I have. I have had it happen once in my life.

00:17:13
Speaker 5: It was not not a love bomber.

00:17:17
Speaker 4: You have you know what you were so.

00:17:20
Speaker 5: I wanted to qualify it because you do. Like you left roses by my nightstand one day this week.

00:17:27
Speaker 1: I'll never do that again.

00:17:29
Speaker 5: It was so every now and then we get I get a gift in the mail, it'll be a new pair of shoes.

00:17:34
Speaker 4: No, it's just sweet little moments.

00:17:37
Speaker 1: I'm back. Those are expensive shoes. It was too much.

00:17:41
Speaker 4: You're the opposite. You're very kind and considerate, but it's not manipulative. So thank you for being you.

00:17:47
Speaker 3: No, but now I'm learning I don't want to even be anywhere close to the category of love bombitka.

00:17:52
Speaker 1: I will back from a little bit.

00:17:53
Speaker 4: Go ahead and tell me how beautiful I am.

00:17:55
Speaker 1: There's a few things that you can't tell me.

00:17:56
Speaker 4: Actually, I'm cool with that too.

00:17:57
Speaker 3: I actually do tell you that alright.

00:18:01
Speaker 5: And without everyone, we always appreciate you listening to us.

00:18:04
Speaker 4: I may be robot alongside T. J.

00:18:06
Speaker 5: Holmes.

00:18:06
Speaker 4: We'll talk soon.