Sept. 12, 2026
Is Gentle Parenting Spoiling Our Kids? Experts Say There’s A Better Way, It’s Called “The Aquarium Approach
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RSS Feed After a hilarious conversation with friends about how this next generation is spoiling their kids with a “gentle parenting” approach, a recent article explored this very sentiment many parents and grandparents are feeling these days. We go over the three styles most parents fall into: The “fish bowl” approach, the “ocean approach” and the “aquarium approach” and why the aquarium method is considered the the best way to help children feel both confident and safe while moving them through tough emotions in a productive way. We also discuss what you can do if you’re a frustrated friend or family member who wants to prevent a spoiled child from becoming a troubled adult.
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00:00:10
Speaker 1: Hey there, folks.
00:00:10
Speaker 2: It is Saturday, September 12th. It sounds so lovely. Gentle parenting. Who wouldn't want to be a gentle parent? What kid wouldn't want a gentle parent? Well, if you're one, you are screwing up your kid. And with that, welcome to this episode of Amy and TJ as we continue on this relationship Saturday. If you've checked out Our feed, we started this morning, Robes, talking about beige flags in relationships. We followed that up with talking about public relationships, excuse me, public breakups and asking for divorces via Instagram. Both of those are on our feed just before this story. Be sure to check that one out. But, Robes, you're bringing another one to me, and this is something we've been talking about quite a bit lately.
00:00:56
Speaker 3: Yeah, so this was so interesting.
00:00:57
Speaker 1: We actually had dinner with a friend of yours who was complaining about watching his grandchild being raised in a very different way than he raised his child and how many of us were raised. And he has, I think he even said like, My grandchild's becoming.
00:01:16
Speaker 3: A spoiled whatever.
00:01:18
Speaker 1: I don't know if you put a label on it, but a lot of people would say spoiled brat. And so we were having this funny conversation about how we were raised and how we were trying to raise our kids and how this new generation of kids has a very different mindset. And yes, it's oftentimes called gentle parenting. So we're having this conversation and I pulled up the New York Times and they had an entire article on this because yes, a grandfather wrote in saying, what am I supposed to do? I am watching, this was his stepdaughter, ruin my grandchild's life.
00:01:52
Speaker 2: Okay, first, is that the actual official title of it? It's called Gentle Parenting.
00:01:57
Speaker 3: Gentle Parenting.
00:01:58
Speaker 2: Okay, a couple more questions here. I need to know or ask, do you have an actual definition? Can you define it best you can for me?
00:02:09
Speaker 3: Uh, so, so here's how they put it.
00:02:11
Speaker 1: They say that there is, um, there are three different ways to approach.
00:02:17
Speaker 3: Here's the problem. Here's the scenario. This is what they get.
00:02:19
Speaker 1: A child's waiting in line at an ice cream truck at the park. And before it's her turn, the treat that she wants is sold out. A parent's response to their child indicates their child rearing style. So either you have a fishbowl approach. You have an ocean approach or an aquarium approach.
00:02:38
Speaker 2: Okay. Let me, help me here. So my kid is at the ice cream truck. They run out of the thing Sabine wants.
00:02:44
Speaker 1: Yes.
00:02:45
Speaker 2: Okay.
00:02:45
Speaker 1: She, imagine she's younger, like maybe say she's five or under and she throws, starts to throw a fit.
00:02:50
Speaker 2: Okay.
00:02:51
Speaker 1: Okay.
00:02:51
Speaker 2: So my reaction to her, let me know what category I'd fall in. Oh, babe, that sucks. I'm sure they'll have it next time. You sure there's nothing else you want? You don't have to, but, um, but yeah, next time maybe we'll get here a little earlier. Maybe they just won't run out, but, uh, If you want anything else, cool. If not, I understand.
00:03:07
Speaker 3: Babe, you nailed it.
00:03:08
Speaker 1: I just got chills because you just did the aquarium approach. And that is the approach that parenting experts say is the right way to do it.
00:03:18
Speaker 3: And you know what?
00:03:19
Speaker 1: I did the fishbowl approach, and that's more of the authoritarian. The gentle parenting is more of the ocean approach, and you did the aquarium approach.
00:03:27
Speaker 3: Let me explain.
00:03:28
Speaker 2: Yes, please.
00:03:28
Speaker 1: Thanks. So your approach that you just described is what parenting experts actually recommend. It's called the aquarium approach. This is what they say you would say in response.
00:03:38
Speaker 3: That's a bummer.
00:03:39
Speaker 1: And I know you love that flavor. Maybe next time we can get in line earlier. Let's pick something else. What else looks good?
00:03:45
Speaker 2: Oh, my God.
00:03:46
Speaker 3: That's like literally what you said.
00:03:48
Speaker 1: The aquarium approach takes the leadership of the fishbowl approach and combines it with the respect and compassion of the ocean approach. And this combination makes children feel both confident and safe.
00:03:59
Speaker 3: You nailed it. I told you I have watched you as a being.
00:04:02
Speaker 1: And I am so impressed with how you handle her and how you've handled her moods, how you've handled her even disrespect. And she's not a disrespectful kid, but on the rare occasion, she acts up and she hardly ever does. And she probably doesn't because of how you have parented her. And I actually read this and thought, holy hell, that's how TJ parents. And you just literally almost said it word for word.
00:04:25
Speaker 2: Okay.
00:04:25
Speaker 3: Here's the gentle parenting approach to that same scenario. Oh no, this is so hard. Can you tell me what you're feeling? Are you mad? Are you sad? Let's talk about your mad and sad feelings. I have seen, I watched a parent do this.
00:04:40
Speaker 1: I told you and your friend in our conversation at a restaurant last week, a kid was screaming because he wanted something that the mom couldn't give. She got down and kneeled and right in his face in front of all of us in this restaurant who were trying to eat and he is continuing to scream. She's like, what do you need, sweetie? I see you're really frustrated. why are you so frustrated right now how can mom help was i not there no i was with nikki and i was about to blow a gasket and the kid did not calm down the kid kept screaming and it went on far too long and i wanted to go over there and give the kid a spanking what is that called gentle parenting but no it's leaning into their emotions and validating their feelings at all costs.
00:05:23
Speaker 2: Well i'm going back to the aquarium and the uh fishbowl and the something Does that fall into one of those categories? The ocean approach.
00:05:30
Speaker 3: This is the gentle parenting.
00:05:31
Speaker 2: It's the ocean thing.
00:05:31
Speaker 3: That's the ocean approach.
00:05:33
Speaker 1: Basically, so they say a lot of times these are parents who grew up the way we grew up, and they try to create an open, flexible household for their children, but they take it too far. Every interaction is thoroughly discussed, and they lean way too much into their children's feelings. but it deprives the child of moving through their feelings in a productive way. It lets them actually overindulge in the emotions. And you're like, in an effort to validate your kid's feelings, you turn them into spoiled brats who are screaming because, by the way, when they're like, ah, and they're upset, you're leaning into that.
00:06:11
Speaker 3: It's okay to feel that way. And you validate their feelings.
00:06:14
Speaker 1: I believe that is what your friend was describing watching his granddaughter. just constantly being validated for their emotions, this gentle parenting, it's like it's turning the kid into a spoiled brat.
00:06:25
Speaker 2: Okay, what is the other side to that? I am sure there's got to be some child therapist out there, some parenting expert who is promoting this. Talk to your kids about how they feel. Talk to them through it. Let them sit and let them know their emotions are okay. I don't know the other side to that.
00:06:44
Speaker 1: The other side to that is the way you and I were raised. And honestly, probably the way I raised my kids more so than most. And that's the fishbowl approach. So you're same scenario, kids upset. They don't have the ice cream treat that she wanted.
00:06:58
Speaker 3: Stop pouting. If you pout, you're not going to get any ice cream and we're leaving the park. That's probably what I would have said.
00:07:06
Speaker 2: That's mean parenting. I know.
00:07:08
Speaker 1: But it was kind of like eat it and shut up or deal with it or buck up, Robach. Look, and I think a lot of, I mean, that's how I was raised, like kind of a tough love approach where you're going to learn discipline, you're going to control your emotions right now or we're leaving.
00:07:22
Speaker 2: And I have very German.
00:07:23
Speaker 3: Yes.
00:07:23
Speaker 2: And German parenting.
00:07:25
Speaker 3: Yes, maybe.
00:07:25
Speaker 1: And that's how I was raised. And I remember I have left. I didn't have to do it often, but Ava was a she's a big personality. And I I said, if you do this again, you know, we are leaving.
00:07:35
Speaker 3: She did it again. Now I have to leave. So, boom, I have left a restaurant.
00:07:39
Speaker 1: I have left a dentist office and I have left a shopping mall. I have three specific moments where I remember leaving. I was very strict. She did it.
00:07:47
Speaker 3: Again and I had to leave. Then she's screaming and crying.
00:07:50
Speaker 1: I had to put her in timeout for 45 minutes. Obviously what I was doing was not effective, but I thought it was what was effective because it's what I knew. And what they say is this is an authoritarian style of parenting. And yes, you might get results short term. The child obeys, but out of fear and not because they're learning a lesson. This leaves the child feeling dismissed and shamed for having a normal feeling of disappointment And these children might also grow up to struggle to develop skills needed to self-regulate and make good choices because they've relied on others to manage their behavior.
00:08:25
Speaker 3: This like sent a light bulb off on me. And I've actually talked to the girls.
00:08:28
Speaker 1: I'm like, have I?
00:08:29
Speaker 3: Did I not validate your feelings? I always tried to do it a little.
00:08:31
Speaker 1: Bit, but my go-to was to be an authoritarian, to be strict, to be the disciplinarian. I tried to show a little love, but I also didn't want to make my kids soft, spoiled brats.
00:08:42
Speaker 3: That was what was in my head. So it's so interesting.
00:08:46
Speaker 1: And so a lot of people, they say, who were raised with this fishbowl approach didn't want to do that to their kids, but they go to the other extreme, to this gentle parenting, to this ocean approach, where you just, all you do is validate their feelings and allow them to explore their feelings.
00:09:03
Speaker 2: I'm trying to find the good in that. Because what you're saying sounds pleasant. A kid is upset. Let's explore your feelings. You want to talk to me about how you're feeling.
00:09:12
Speaker 1: I guess that's... you're not giving them tools to move through their feelings in a productive way.
00:09:18
Speaker 3: I thought that was so well put. That is exactly what the issue is.
00:09:21
Speaker 2: You have to sit with it. Where were we? I'm thinking about a thing I did with Sabine that jumped out. The three of us were at dinner. This was in Turks at the old Gansabur place. What was the name of it now?
00:09:35
Speaker 1: Yes, yes.
00:09:36
Speaker 3: I know exactly what you're talking about.
00:09:37
Speaker 2: We were at dinner, and she had a little attitude of what was going on. And I said, Baby, you're welcome to feel how you feel, but you're not going to be allowed to sit here and be rude at dinner. I said, if you want, I offered. I will put you in an Uber and take you back to our house. And then Robach and I are going to continue our dinner here. It's your call. I gave her that agency. Yes, you can feel what you want to feel, but it doesn't give you permission to actually sit here and being an asshole to everybody else. And I remember you looked at me like, what the hell is going on here?
00:10:09
Speaker 3: But you didn't say it in a mean way.
00:10:11
Speaker 1: Oh, no.
00:10:11
Speaker 3: You didn't say it in a threatening way. You weren't angry.
00:10:15
Speaker 1: You actually were very matter-of-fact and supportive. I was blown away. And you know what she did? She said, no, I'll stay.
00:10:22
Speaker 3: And within two to three minutes, she turned it around.
00:10:25
Speaker 2: And I don't know where that comes from.
00:10:27
Speaker 3: I was so impressed.
00:10:30
Speaker 2: I don't know. I didn't study it. aquarium whatever so i don't know where that comes from and i don't remember having that as a kid i don't remember growing up and my parents certainly didn't ask me about my feelings i'm 49 they still haven't asked me about my feelings.
00:10:47
Speaker 1: Did you have did you have more of a german style of parenting i'm laughing it's not german style it's i guess it's called the fishbowl approach.
00:10:55
Speaker 2: Just respect for authority. That is my parent. When they say do something, I know to do it. And it wasn't beyond that. So yeah, I never found them to be the fishbowl thing either.
00:11:05
Speaker 3: So it's funny. This is the metaphor they say.
00:11:07
Speaker 1: So children get stunted in a fishbowl, meaning like they don't trust their own feelings.
00:11:14
Speaker 3: They don't trust.
00:11:15
Speaker 1: even their own decision-making at times because they've been told what to do for so long. They say children get lost in an ocean. If it's just lean into your emotions, like, okay, now what? It's too much about emotions. And they say, but they flourish in an aquarium. And that's the metaphor. Children get lost in an ocean, they get stunted in a fishbowl, and they flourish in an aquarium.
00:11:41
Speaker 3: And so that's a way to remember it. I've never heard it put like that. And I just thought that.
00:11:45
Speaker 1: Was such unbelievably good advice that I wish I had had when I was raising my kids.
00:11:52
Speaker 3: I do ask them all the time. I'm like, I do try to listen to their feelings.
00:11:56
Speaker 1: And I do appreciate the fact that they will stand up to me and they will say things to me in a way that I would never have done or said to my parents before.
00:12:05
Speaker 3: Ever, maybe too much.
00:12:06
Speaker 1: You're laughing, you're smiling, but it's one of those things where it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a needle to thread for folks who didn't have that imprinting. And then to know how to, how to try and do your best with kids.
00:12:20
Speaker 2: Okay.
00:12:20
Speaker 1: So say you've already raised your kids like me, and now you're dealing with potential grandkids or you are, you do have grandkids in your life. What do you do when you see your child doing this ocean thing? type of parenting, this gentle parenting, we've got tips for you too after the break. Welcome back everyone to Amy and TJ. This is our Relationship Saturday and this is about your relationship to your kids, to your grandkids and it isn't always easy. They say if you are the grandparent, you're watching your child gentle parent, your grandchild, and turning your grandchild into a screaming, raving, little, emotional, I hate to use the word brat, but I guess, is there another way to put it? Monster.
00:13:16
Speaker 3: Monster.
00:13:16
Speaker 2: I don't think people use that often.
00:13:18
Speaker 1: So it was really cool to see the advice this expert gave this grandfather. She said, the first thing you do, do not point out your differences. Don't say, well, I would do it like this. You will never get a receptive audience from your child. And in this case, the person who wrote it, it was his stepdaughter. So it was even more of a, you didn't necessarily have that that connection where she would just automatically trust that you had her best interest in heart. But they said, what you can do is model the kind of parenting that you'd like your child to do. So your granddaughter actually might react to your parenting and, if you do it in the right way, because right now she might think you're mean or criticizing her.
00:14:02
Speaker 3: Like she might not be receptive.
00:14:04
Speaker 1: So they say, if you are friendly and noncombative, and that will make her more inclined to trust you and to be more receptive to your approach. You can't control how your child raises your grandchild, obviously, but you can control how you show up in the family dynamic. So they say, if your granddaughter is pouting or throwing a fit, don't react to that, but instead redirect her and say, let's play a game and just get her out of that emotion. Just basically take her over to her.
00:14:35
Speaker 3: Still be warm. But don't react if she continues to reject you or continues to pout.
00:14:42
Speaker 2: Just be warm.
00:14:43
Speaker 3: I believe, how old did he say the grandchild was? She's five years old. So, oh, excuse me.
00:14:51
Speaker 1: Nope. She's been a single mother for five years. The child is 10. Okay, so that's an older child. So they said you can't go in and go hard and start disciplining the child. That will never, ever work as a grandparent. What you have to do is create a relationship where you're trusted, where you're warm and you're kind, but you aren't reacting to the bad behavior. You're not inviting more bad behavior. You're not saying, oh, sweetie, what can I do? You just distract and you redirect. And then you just establish this type of warmth. And I'm not going to put up with this type of behavior, but in a kind way.
00:15:29
Speaker 3: And how you do that is just say, let's go outside. Would you like to take a walk?
00:15:33
Speaker 1: And then when your daughter sees you really trying to create a bond with her child, she might be more receptive to seeing how you're doing.
00:15:41
Speaker 3: And honestly, me watching you and how you have.
00:15:44
Speaker 1: Handled Sabine, I see the trust.
00:15:48
Speaker 3: I see the warmth.
00:15:49
Speaker 1: And that makes everyone feel more receptive to a different type of parenting.
00:15:55
Speaker 2: Is there any... Is there a regional element to this? Is there some area of the country that might be more prone to gentle parenting?
00:16:06
Speaker 3: I didn't see that, and that's a good question.
00:16:09
Speaker 1: They do say that this does tend to be this Gen Z generation that is reacting to what most of us who are Gen Xers, I don't know where the millennials fall into this, but a lot of us were raised with more of an authoritarian parenting style. That was the thing to do in the 70s, maybe even in the 80s, where, yes, tough love, discipline, that's how they were raised. They want you to be the best. They push you to get the good grades and to be achievers. That was how we were raised. And you and I were raised fairly similarly. We had corporal punishment. We had that conversation around the table as well. I believe all of us who are in our 40s and 50s, all sitting at that table, all had been spanked, every single one of us.
00:16:53
Speaker 2: Some of us were whooped. It's a black-white thing, ain't it? Y'all got spankings, we got whoopings.
00:16:59
Speaker 3: Yeah, I guess it's just a different way to say it, different way to describe it.
00:17:03
Speaker 1: But it's now those of us who are raised that way are dealing with children who are raising their kids exceptionally different. And the point being, there is a different way to do it. There's a middle ground.
00:17:14
Speaker 2: It sounds like we're all getting it wrong for the most part.
00:17:17
Speaker 3: Yeah, except for you.
00:17:19
Speaker 2: Well, generally. I don't know. You do the best you can and hope your kid comes out okay. That's kind of it. What works for me and my child might not work with somebody else and their child. But I have actually never seen, and I don't know some, seen out somewhere. I don't know anybody personally that I've seen raise their child like that. Gentle parenting to be that kind of.
00:17:39
Speaker 3: I have.
00:17:40
Speaker 2: Yeah, I haven't seen it.
00:17:41
Speaker 3: I have seen.
00:17:41
Speaker 2: In your life.
00:17:42
Speaker 1: Oh, I won't name anyone, but I have seen plenty of my friends letting their children basically control and dominate all aspects of their life, all their conversations. Adults have to stop talking because the child comes back every three minutes demanding a new snack. And I'm about to lose my mind because I was the opposite of that. But I understand I have to respect that everyone chooses to raise their kids differently, but I can then choose not to be around those children.
00:18:07
Speaker 2: Don't bring them kids to my house. Raise them that way in your home. because they are causing a hell in my place.
00:18:13
Speaker 1: And I think everyone listening has a friend, a daughter, a sister, somebody who's raising their kids that way, and they are exceptionally difficult to be around. And I always say little kids, little problems, big kids, big problems. And so I just, I love this aquarium approach.
00:18:32
Speaker 3: That's a bummer.
00:18:33
Speaker 1: I know you love that flavor. Maybe next time we can get in line earlier. Let's pick something else.
00:18:37
Speaker 3: What else looks good?
00:18:38
Speaker 2: I'm laughing. I gave that word for word. Almost.
00:18:42
Speaker 1: And you did not see this ahead of time. But the bottom line is kids need empathy, but they also need limits. And you have to be able to give them both. And you empower them by letting them choose to calm down. and guiding them, but you don't demand it. You don't threaten them with punishment. And that is what I believe I did. If you don't do this, we're leaving. If you don't do this, you're going to timeout. And I did what I thought was effective at the time, but there were, there.
00:19:12
Speaker 3: Was a better way. There was a better way. There is a better way.
00:19:15
Speaker 2: Did the best you could. But I, I guess my idea is to always give the kid the option. Like you're upset. That's fine. but you're not going to be upset and ruin everybody else's day. You can go back to your room and be upset. I always give that space in that option for, I don't just say straighten up. You're going to stand here and stop looking.
00:19:35
Speaker 3: See, and that's awesome.
00:19:36
Speaker 1: So you validated feelings, but then you also created limits. Yes, that is the key. And so, yes, we can model that behavior with even our grandkids when we choose to do so.
00:19:47
Speaker 3: Even if we didn't get it right with our kids, there's, always the next time.
00:19:51
Speaker 2: That's why grandparents are so good.
00:19:53
Speaker 3: Right.
00:19:53
Speaker 2: Because they they didn't screwed it up once. We all mess it up again.
00:19:57
Speaker 3: All right. Hope this helps some of y'all out there. And with that, everyone, I'm Amy Robach alongside TJ Holmes. We'll talk soon.
Speaker 1: Hey there, folks.
00:00:10
Speaker 2: It is Saturday, September 12th. It sounds so lovely. Gentle parenting. Who wouldn't want to be a gentle parent? What kid wouldn't want a gentle parent? Well, if you're one, you are screwing up your kid. And with that, welcome to this episode of Amy and TJ as we continue on this relationship Saturday. If you've checked out Our feed, we started this morning, Robes, talking about beige flags in relationships. We followed that up with talking about public relationships, excuse me, public breakups and asking for divorces via Instagram. Both of those are on our feed just before this story. Be sure to check that one out. But, Robes, you're bringing another one to me, and this is something we've been talking about quite a bit lately.
00:00:56
Speaker 3: Yeah, so this was so interesting.
00:00:57
Speaker 1: We actually had dinner with a friend of yours who was complaining about watching his grandchild being raised in a very different way than he raised his child and how many of us were raised. And he has, I think he even said like, My grandchild's becoming.
00:01:16
Speaker 3: A spoiled whatever.
00:01:18
Speaker 1: I don't know if you put a label on it, but a lot of people would say spoiled brat. And so we were having this funny conversation about how we were raised and how we were trying to raise our kids and how this new generation of kids has a very different mindset. And yes, it's oftentimes called gentle parenting. So we're having this conversation and I pulled up the New York Times and they had an entire article on this because yes, a grandfather wrote in saying, what am I supposed to do? I am watching, this was his stepdaughter, ruin my grandchild's life.
00:01:52
Speaker 2: Okay, first, is that the actual official title of it? It's called Gentle Parenting.
00:01:57
Speaker 3: Gentle Parenting.
00:01:58
Speaker 2: Okay, a couple more questions here. I need to know or ask, do you have an actual definition? Can you define it best you can for me?
00:02:09
Speaker 3: Uh, so, so here's how they put it.
00:02:11
Speaker 1: They say that there is, um, there are three different ways to approach.
00:02:17
Speaker 3: Here's the problem. Here's the scenario. This is what they get.
00:02:19
Speaker 1: A child's waiting in line at an ice cream truck at the park. And before it's her turn, the treat that she wants is sold out. A parent's response to their child indicates their child rearing style. So either you have a fishbowl approach. You have an ocean approach or an aquarium approach.
00:02:38
Speaker 2: Okay. Let me, help me here. So my kid is at the ice cream truck. They run out of the thing Sabine wants.
00:02:44
Speaker 1: Yes.
00:02:45
Speaker 2: Okay.
00:02:45
Speaker 1: She, imagine she's younger, like maybe say she's five or under and she throws, starts to throw a fit.
00:02:50
Speaker 2: Okay.
00:02:51
Speaker 1: Okay.
00:02:51
Speaker 2: So my reaction to her, let me know what category I'd fall in. Oh, babe, that sucks. I'm sure they'll have it next time. You sure there's nothing else you want? You don't have to, but, um, but yeah, next time maybe we'll get here a little earlier. Maybe they just won't run out, but, uh, If you want anything else, cool. If not, I understand.
00:03:07
Speaker 3: Babe, you nailed it.
00:03:08
Speaker 1: I just got chills because you just did the aquarium approach. And that is the approach that parenting experts say is the right way to do it.
00:03:18
Speaker 3: And you know what?
00:03:19
Speaker 1: I did the fishbowl approach, and that's more of the authoritarian. The gentle parenting is more of the ocean approach, and you did the aquarium approach.
00:03:27
Speaker 3: Let me explain.
00:03:28
Speaker 2: Yes, please.
00:03:28
Speaker 1: Thanks. So your approach that you just described is what parenting experts actually recommend. It's called the aquarium approach. This is what they say you would say in response.
00:03:38
Speaker 3: That's a bummer.
00:03:39
Speaker 1: And I know you love that flavor. Maybe next time we can get in line earlier. Let's pick something else. What else looks good?
00:03:45
Speaker 2: Oh, my God.
00:03:46
Speaker 3: That's like literally what you said.
00:03:48
Speaker 1: The aquarium approach takes the leadership of the fishbowl approach and combines it with the respect and compassion of the ocean approach. And this combination makes children feel both confident and safe.
00:03:59
Speaker 3: You nailed it. I told you I have watched you as a being.
00:04:02
Speaker 1: And I am so impressed with how you handle her and how you've handled her moods, how you've handled her even disrespect. And she's not a disrespectful kid, but on the rare occasion, she acts up and she hardly ever does. And she probably doesn't because of how you have parented her. And I actually read this and thought, holy hell, that's how TJ parents. And you just literally almost said it word for word.
00:04:25
Speaker 2: Okay.
00:04:25
Speaker 3: Here's the gentle parenting approach to that same scenario. Oh no, this is so hard. Can you tell me what you're feeling? Are you mad? Are you sad? Let's talk about your mad and sad feelings. I have seen, I watched a parent do this.
00:04:40
Speaker 1: I told you and your friend in our conversation at a restaurant last week, a kid was screaming because he wanted something that the mom couldn't give. She got down and kneeled and right in his face in front of all of us in this restaurant who were trying to eat and he is continuing to scream. She's like, what do you need, sweetie? I see you're really frustrated. why are you so frustrated right now how can mom help was i not there no i was with nikki and i was about to blow a gasket and the kid did not calm down the kid kept screaming and it went on far too long and i wanted to go over there and give the kid a spanking what is that called gentle parenting but no it's leaning into their emotions and validating their feelings at all costs.
00:05:23
Speaker 2: Well i'm going back to the aquarium and the uh fishbowl and the something Does that fall into one of those categories? The ocean approach.
00:05:30
Speaker 3: This is the gentle parenting.
00:05:31
Speaker 2: It's the ocean thing.
00:05:31
Speaker 3: That's the ocean approach.
00:05:33
Speaker 1: Basically, so they say a lot of times these are parents who grew up the way we grew up, and they try to create an open, flexible household for their children, but they take it too far. Every interaction is thoroughly discussed, and they lean way too much into their children's feelings. but it deprives the child of moving through their feelings in a productive way. It lets them actually overindulge in the emotions. And you're like, in an effort to validate your kid's feelings, you turn them into spoiled brats who are screaming because, by the way, when they're like, ah, and they're upset, you're leaning into that.
00:06:11
Speaker 3: It's okay to feel that way. And you validate their feelings.
00:06:14
Speaker 1: I believe that is what your friend was describing watching his granddaughter. just constantly being validated for their emotions, this gentle parenting, it's like it's turning the kid into a spoiled brat.
00:06:25
Speaker 2: Okay, what is the other side to that? I am sure there's got to be some child therapist out there, some parenting expert who is promoting this. Talk to your kids about how they feel. Talk to them through it. Let them sit and let them know their emotions are okay. I don't know the other side to that.
00:06:44
Speaker 1: The other side to that is the way you and I were raised. And honestly, probably the way I raised my kids more so than most. And that's the fishbowl approach. So you're same scenario, kids upset. They don't have the ice cream treat that she wanted.
00:06:58
Speaker 3: Stop pouting. If you pout, you're not going to get any ice cream and we're leaving the park. That's probably what I would have said.
00:07:06
Speaker 2: That's mean parenting. I know.
00:07:08
Speaker 1: But it was kind of like eat it and shut up or deal with it or buck up, Robach. Look, and I think a lot of, I mean, that's how I was raised, like kind of a tough love approach where you're going to learn discipline, you're going to control your emotions right now or we're leaving.
00:07:22
Speaker 2: And I have very German.
00:07:23
Speaker 3: Yes.
00:07:23
Speaker 2: And German parenting.
00:07:25
Speaker 3: Yes, maybe.
00:07:25
Speaker 1: And that's how I was raised. And I remember I have left. I didn't have to do it often, but Ava was a she's a big personality. And I I said, if you do this again, you know, we are leaving.
00:07:35
Speaker 3: She did it again. Now I have to leave. So, boom, I have left a restaurant.
00:07:39
Speaker 1: I have left a dentist office and I have left a shopping mall. I have three specific moments where I remember leaving. I was very strict. She did it.
00:07:47
Speaker 3: Again and I had to leave. Then she's screaming and crying.
00:07:50
Speaker 1: I had to put her in timeout for 45 minutes. Obviously what I was doing was not effective, but I thought it was what was effective because it's what I knew. And what they say is this is an authoritarian style of parenting. And yes, you might get results short term. The child obeys, but out of fear and not because they're learning a lesson. This leaves the child feeling dismissed and shamed for having a normal feeling of disappointment And these children might also grow up to struggle to develop skills needed to self-regulate and make good choices because they've relied on others to manage their behavior.
00:08:25
Speaker 3: This like sent a light bulb off on me. And I've actually talked to the girls.
00:08:28
Speaker 1: I'm like, have I?
00:08:29
Speaker 3: Did I not validate your feelings? I always tried to do it a little.
00:08:31
Speaker 1: Bit, but my go-to was to be an authoritarian, to be strict, to be the disciplinarian. I tried to show a little love, but I also didn't want to make my kids soft, spoiled brats.
00:08:42
Speaker 3: That was what was in my head. So it's so interesting.
00:08:46
Speaker 1: And so a lot of people, they say, who were raised with this fishbowl approach didn't want to do that to their kids, but they go to the other extreme, to this gentle parenting, to this ocean approach, where you just, all you do is validate their feelings and allow them to explore their feelings.
00:09:03
Speaker 2: I'm trying to find the good in that. Because what you're saying sounds pleasant. A kid is upset. Let's explore your feelings. You want to talk to me about how you're feeling.
00:09:12
Speaker 1: I guess that's... you're not giving them tools to move through their feelings in a productive way.
00:09:18
Speaker 3: I thought that was so well put. That is exactly what the issue is.
00:09:21
Speaker 2: You have to sit with it. Where were we? I'm thinking about a thing I did with Sabine that jumped out. The three of us were at dinner. This was in Turks at the old Gansabur place. What was the name of it now?
00:09:35
Speaker 1: Yes, yes.
00:09:36
Speaker 3: I know exactly what you're talking about.
00:09:37
Speaker 2: We were at dinner, and she had a little attitude of what was going on. And I said, Baby, you're welcome to feel how you feel, but you're not going to be allowed to sit here and be rude at dinner. I said, if you want, I offered. I will put you in an Uber and take you back to our house. And then Robach and I are going to continue our dinner here. It's your call. I gave her that agency. Yes, you can feel what you want to feel, but it doesn't give you permission to actually sit here and being an asshole to everybody else. And I remember you looked at me like, what the hell is going on here?
00:10:09
Speaker 3: But you didn't say it in a mean way.
00:10:11
Speaker 1: Oh, no.
00:10:11
Speaker 3: You didn't say it in a threatening way. You weren't angry.
00:10:15
Speaker 1: You actually were very matter-of-fact and supportive. I was blown away. And you know what she did? She said, no, I'll stay.
00:10:22
Speaker 3: And within two to three minutes, she turned it around.
00:10:25
Speaker 2: And I don't know where that comes from.
00:10:27
Speaker 3: I was so impressed.
00:10:30
Speaker 2: I don't know. I didn't study it. aquarium whatever so i don't know where that comes from and i don't remember having that as a kid i don't remember growing up and my parents certainly didn't ask me about my feelings i'm 49 they still haven't asked me about my feelings.
00:10:47
Speaker 1: Did you have did you have more of a german style of parenting i'm laughing it's not german style it's i guess it's called the fishbowl approach.
00:10:55
Speaker 2: Just respect for authority. That is my parent. When they say do something, I know to do it. And it wasn't beyond that. So yeah, I never found them to be the fishbowl thing either.
00:11:05
Speaker 3: So it's funny. This is the metaphor they say.
00:11:07
Speaker 1: So children get stunted in a fishbowl, meaning like they don't trust their own feelings.
00:11:14
Speaker 3: They don't trust.
00:11:15
Speaker 1: even their own decision-making at times because they've been told what to do for so long. They say children get lost in an ocean. If it's just lean into your emotions, like, okay, now what? It's too much about emotions. And they say, but they flourish in an aquarium. And that's the metaphor. Children get lost in an ocean, they get stunted in a fishbowl, and they flourish in an aquarium.
00:11:41
Speaker 3: And so that's a way to remember it. I've never heard it put like that. And I just thought that.
00:11:45
Speaker 1: Was such unbelievably good advice that I wish I had had when I was raising my kids.
00:11:52
Speaker 3: I do ask them all the time. I'm like, I do try to listen to their feelings.
00:11:56
Speaker 1: And I do appreciate the fact that they will stand up to me and they will say things to me in a way that I would never have done or said to my parents before.
00:12:05
Speaker 3: Ever, maybe too much.
00:12:06
Speaker 1: You're laughing, you're smiling, but it's one of those things where it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a needle to thread for folks who didn't have that imprinting. And then to know how to, how to try and do your best with kids.
00:12:20
Speaker 2: Okay.
00:12:20
Speaker 1: So say you've already raised your kids like me, and now you're dealing with potential grandkids or you are, you do have grandkids in your life. What do you do when you see your child doing this ocean thing? type of parenting, this gentle parenting, we've got tips for you too after the break. Welcome back everyone to Amy and TJ. This is our Relationship Saturday and this is about your relationship to your kids, to your grandkids and it isn't always easy. They say if you are the grandparent, you're watching your child gentle parent, your grandchild, and turning your grandchild into a screaming, raving, little, emotional, I hate to use the word brat, but I guess, is there another way to put it? Monster.
00:13:16
Speaker 3: Monster.
00:13:16
Speaker 2: I don't think people use that often.
00:13:18
Speaker 1: So it was really cool to see the advice this expert gave this grandfather. She said, the first thing you do, do not point out your differences. Don't say, well, I would do it like this. You will never get a receptive audience from your child. And in this case, the person who wrote it, it was his stepdaughter. So it was even more of a, you didn't necessarily have that that connection where she would just automatically trust that you had her best interest in heart. But they said, what you can do is model the kind of parenting that you'd like your child to do. So your granddaughter actually might react to your parenting and, if you do it in the right way, because right now she might think you're mean or criticizing her.
00:14:02
Speaker 3: Like she might not be receptive.
00:14:04
Speaker 1: So they say, if you are friendly and noncombative, and that will make her more inclined to trust you and to be more receptive to your approach. You can't control how your child raises your grandchild, obviously, but you can control how you show up in the family dynamic. So they say, if your granddaughter is pouting or throwing a fit, don't react to that, but instead redirect her and say, let's play a game and just get her out of that emotion. Just basically take her over to her.
00:14:35
Speaker 3: Still be warm. But don't react if she continues to reject you or continues to pout.
00:14:42
Speaker 2: Just be warm.
00:14:43
Speaker 3: I believe, how old did he say the grandchild was? She's five years old. So, oh, excuse me.
00:14:51
Speaker 1: Nope. She's been a single mother for five years. The child is 10. Okay, so that's an older child. So they said you can't go in and go hard and start disciplining the child. That will never, ever work as a grandparent. What you have to do is create a relationship where you're trusted, where you're warm and you're kind, but you aren't reacting to the bad behavior. You're not inviting more bad behavior. You're not saying, oh, sweetie, what can I do? You just distract and you redirect. And then you just establish this type of warmth. And I'm not going to put up with this type of behavior, but in a kind way.
00:15:29
Speaker 3: And how you do that is just say, let's go outside. Would you like to take a walk?
00:15:33
Speaker 1: And then when your daughter sees you really trying to create a bond with her child, she might be more receptive to seeing how you're doing.
00:15:41
Speaker 3: And honestly, me watching you and how you have.
00:15:44
Speaker 1: Handled Sabine, I see the trust.
00:15:48
Speaker 3: I see the warmth.
00:15:49
Speaker 1: And that makes everyone feel more receptive to a different type of parenting.
00:15:55
Speaker 2: Is there any... Is there a regional element to this? Is there some area of the country that might be more prone to gentle parenting?
00:16:06
Speaker 3: I didn't see that, and that's a good question.
00:16:09
Speaker 1: They do say that this does tend to be this Gen Z generation that is reacting to what most of us who are Gen Xers, I don't know where the millennials fall into this, but a lot of us were raised with more of an authoritarian parenting style. That was the thing to do in the 70s, maybe even in the 80s, where, yes, tough love, discipline, that's how they were raised. They want you to be the best. They push you to get the good grades and to be achievers. That was how we were raised. And you and I were raised fairly similarly. We had corporal punishment. We had that conversation around the table as well. I believe all of us who are in our 40s and 50s, all sitting at that table, all had been spanked, every single one of us.
00:16:53
Speaker 2: Some of us were whooped. It's a black-white thing, ain't it? Y'all got spankings, we got whoopings.
00:16:59
Speaker 3: Yeah, I guess it's just a different way to say it, different way to describe it.
00:17:03
Speaker 1: But it's now those of us who are raised that way are dealing with children who are raising their kids exceptionally different. And the point being, there is a different way to do it. There's a middle ground.
00:17:14
Speaker 2: It sounds like we're all getting it wrong for the most part.
00:17:17
Speaker 3: Yeah, except for you.
00:17:19
Speaker 2: Well, generally. I don't know. You do the best you can and hope your kid comes out okay. That's kind of it. What works for me and my child might not work with somebody else and their child. But I have actually never seen, and I don't know some, seen out somewhere. I don't know anybody personally that I've seen raise their child like that. Gentle parenting to be that kind of.
00:17:39
Speaker 3: I have.
00:17:40
Speaker 2: Yeah, I haven't seen it.
00:17:41
Speaker 3: I have seen.
00:17:41
Speaker 2: In your life.
00:17:42
Speaker 1: Oh, I won't name anyone, but I have seen plenty of my friends letting their children basically control and dominate all aspects of their life, all their conversations. Adults have to stop talking because the child comes back every three minutes demanding a new snack. And I'm about to lose my mind because I was the opposite of that. But I understand I have to respect that everyone chooses to raise their kids differently, but I can then choose not to be around those children.
00:18:07
Speaker 2: Don't bring them kids to my house. Raise them that way in your home. because they are causing a hell in my place.
00:18:13
Speaker 1: And I think everyone listening has a friend, a daughter, a sister, somebody who's raising their kids that way, and they are exceptionally difficult to be around. And I always say little kids, little problems, big kids, big problems. And so I just, I love this aquarium approach.
00:18:32
Speaker 3: That's a bummer.
00:18:33
Speaker 1: I know you love that flavor. Maybe next time we can get in line earlier. Let's pick something else.
00:18:37
Speaker 3: What else looks good?
00:18:38
Speaker 2: I'm laughing. I gave that word for word. Almost.
00:18:42
Speaker 1: And you did not see this ahead of time. But the bottom line is kids need empathy, but they also need limits. And you have to be able to give them both. And you empower them by letting them choose to calm down. and guiding them, but you don't demand it. You don't threaten them with punishment. And that is what I believe I did. If you don't do this, we're leaving. If you don't do this, you're going to timeout. And I did what I thought was effective at the time, but there were, there.
00:19:12
Speaker 3: Was a better way. There was a better way. There is a better way.
00:19:15
Speaker 2: Did the best you could. But I, I guess my idea is to always give the kid the option. Like you're upset. That's fine. but you're not going to be upset and ruin everybody else's day. You can go back to your room and be upset. I always give that space in that option for, I don't just say straighten up. You're going to stand here and stop looking.
00:19:35
Speaker 3: See, and that's awesome.
00:19:36
Speaker 1: So you validated feelings, but then you also created limits. Yes, that is the key. And so, yes, we can model that behavior with even our grandkids when we choose to do so.
00:19:47
Speaker 3: Even if we didn't get it right with our kids, there's, always the next time.
00:19:51
Speaker 2: That's why grandparents are so good.
00:19:53
Speaker 3: Right.
00:19:53
Speaker 2: Because they they didn't screwed it up once. We all mess it up again.
00:19:57
Speaker 3: All right. Hope this helps some of y'all out there. And with that, everyone, I'm Amy Robach alongside TJ Holmes. We'll talk soon.