June 13, 2026
How To Know When Your Friendship Isn’t Worth Saving
Apple Podcasts 
Spotify 
Castro 
RSS Feed We’ve all been there, friendship drama is real, but how do you know if it’s worth your time and emotions to keep making the effort. This week, a fascinating article in the Washington Post highlighted what therapists go over the three signs that tell you it’s time to reevaluate the friendship. Remember, with the right friends, it rarely feels like “work," but we all have to recognize that most friendships need maintenance.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
00:00:02
Speaker 1: Taylor.
00:00:02
Speaker 2: Folks, it is Saturday, June thirteenth, a relationship Saturday, you know, the day we spend so much time with the people we love, whether that's somebody we're in a relationship with or with a friend. But Robes has been telling me she has been dying to talk about this this week. When do you know there are some friendships you just need to let go of? And with that, welcome to this episode of Amy and TJ on this Saturday. Yes, friends, family and relationships. People spend these Saturdays together. A lot of time is spent on relationships on Saturday, including friendships. But this might be your last Saturday with this particular friend.
00:00:41
Speaker 1: After you listen to Robach.
00:00:43
Speaker 3: Well, I'm curious from a man's perspective, I think all the ladies listening know that.
00:00:48
Speaker 4: Girls.
00:00:49
Speaker 3: I just think throughout the arg of a girl's life, you go through some friends and there are some really tough friendships, and you're oftentimes wondering in different phases of your life whether or not a friendship is worth saving or if you should go ahead and break off a friendship.
00:01:04
Speaker 4: Do men have those same dilemmas throughout their lives?
00:01:07
Speaker 2: Generally, No, we just end a friendship, never heard from him again, or we fight it out or something. It's just not And I've learned a lot from watching you and also watching Love Island, and you explain things to me to where men just don't have oftentimes the complications you all seem to have. And we're in your face about it, right, you all play games.
00:01:28
Speaker 4: Oh we're passive aggressive.
00:01:30
Speaker 1: Yeah we don't.
00:01:31
Speaker 4: Yes, we're passive aggressive.
00:01:32
Speaker 3: We don't directly confront issues often and we try to manipulate and control.
00:01:40
Speaker 4: That is just the way we are. I can honestly admit that.
00:01:44
Speaker 2: Okay, there's a you know, I love my stand up comics, and there was a guys have talked about this.
00:01:49
Speaker 1: Dudes don't do this.
00:01:50
Speaker 2: We say, I saw this guy, he went that way. I called him a name, I punched him in a face, and that was the end up Like we just got into a fight. It was done like a very few steps in a male just I'm Marvel. We will have a Love Island episode up here in a bit.
00:02:03
Speaker 3: But watching how men handle conflict with one another versus how women handle conflict with one another, it is remarkable.
00:02:11
Speaker 2: Been five episodes of women conflict. Two dou handled it in thirty seconds, may the best man win, and they moved on.
00:02:18
Speaker 1: Yes, that's how we end.
00:02:20
Speaker 4: It's crazy to watch.
00:02:21
Speaker 3: So yes, us women, this probably is for the ladies listening solely because you probably you were kind of like when I explained this article, I was like, this is so good. They had relationship experts talk about how to know whether or not you should end a friendship, and once you make that determination, how to end it.
00:02:40
Speaker 4: And you looked at me like I had three eyes.
00:02:42
Speaker 1: You're like, what, Okay? First of all, it was about how to know, first of all, if you need to get rid of a friendship.
00:02:48
Speaker 2: Yes, okay, I'm dying to hear this because I mean this all applied to everybody though, right.
00:02:52
Speaker 3: I think, yeah, absolutely, And look they start on these this foundation that you should recognize that friendships are built. They don't just exist like family relationships. They're there, but a friendship is built, it's chosen, and most friendships require small but meaningful acts of maintenance. And if you don't or aren't willing to do those things, it probably is pointing to something.
00:03:17
Speaker 1: Well was considered maintenance in a friendship.
00:03:19
Speaker 3: Just checking in texting, even if you no longer live with or around or near one another. It's just that effort. A friendship requires effort, I guess is the point. But imbalance is inevitable and changes often take place with different phases of your life.
00:03:35
Speaker 4: And so I don't know.
00:03:36
Speaker 3: Again, men might be different, but women, we move around, we get married, maybe we get divorced, we have kids who're working, we're not working. All of those dramatically impact the level of closeness you have with a friend.
00:03:49
Speaker 1: Same for men.
00:03:49
Speaker 4: Okay, all right, we're with you so far. All right, So that's the foundation.
00:03:54
Speaker 3: Here are three signs, according to the experts, that it's time to reevaluate and potentially end your friendship.
00:04:01
Speaker 2: What we're gonna do one at a time. You're gonna name them all and then we just got how we're gonna do it.
00:04:04
Speaker 4: We'll do one at a time.
00:04:04
Speaker 3: Okay, you can't be yourself without worrying about losing the friendship.
00:04:10
Speaker 4: Oh god, yeah, women.
00:04:12
Speaker 3: That will land like you need to try and can amend what you think or believe or want to do to try and make the other person happy. So the point being is with your friends, you got to be able to be authentic. That's the whole point of a friendship to be able to tell your friend what you really think. Maybe something you wouldn't tell your significant other because they might fall out of love with you if they heard.
00:04:33
Speaker 4: But something you can. You need to have that friend that you can tell anything and everything too.
00:04:37
Speaker 1: Say the thing again, how's it put?
00:04:39
Speaker 3: The sign that it's time to reevaluate your friendship is you cannot be yourself without worrying about losing the friendship.
00:04:47
Speaker 2: Man, I can't think of one. Do you have one even in the past five years?
00:04:53
Speaker 3: No, I can't, because here are the signs. You're softening your opinions, you downplay your accomplished, you pretend to be more agreeable, you're trying to secure approval, and you're trying to avoid judgment. And anyway, they're just saying a friendship. I thought this was really interesting. Think about it like this. The bare minimum of a healthy friendship is feeling understood and accepted for who you actually are.
00:05:20
Speaker 2: Understood and accepted for who you actually are. Okay, I had a question I was about to ask, does this apply? Does it matter the need to be male male friendships, women women friendships? Does it matter if it's man woman doesn't matter?
00:05:33
Speaker 1: Gay? Straight? Does This is just friendships.
00:05:34
Speaker 4: This is friendship period.
00:05:35
Speaker 3: I mean you and I had a deep friendship for eight years and I feel like I was the person you came to to feel understood.
00:05:42
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, it makes it easy to date later on because you don't have anything to hide, like O, hell.
00:05:48
Speaker 4: I love all you're ugly, and you saw allmine.
00:05:50
Speaker 2: And she's still here, then we're good. Okay, that's not a guy I'd never Yeah, the thing you say that about softening opinions or changing things?
00:06:00
Speaker 4: Girls do that?
00:06:00
Speaker 2: Think of anything or any guy I've ever been around where I am tiptoeing in some way, or.
00:06:07
Speaker 4: It's a need to be liked.
00:06:08
Speaker 3: It's a desire to be wanted at all costs, even if it means removing part of who you are. That's a sign you're not in a good friendship. That's a sign that that might not be someone you should be friends with it Okay, number two, here's another sign. You organize and initiate every interaction. That's a big red flag. So look, a busy friend will make time to feel like you matter, even if it's just a text. Because yes, I will admit I sometimes feel like I'm not being as good of a friend because I'm so busy. We're working NonStop, but I will text and say how's your day going? Like, there are ways if you want to be in a friendship with someone and you want to have a relationship with someone. I text my friends almost every day, but at least every other day. Yeah, guys aren't the same.
00:06:55
Speaker 2: If that's the case, you organize initiate every interaction all of my friends. We should just all break up now because guys, we don't hear from each other for weeks and then all of a sudden it's hot. We just don't do that. We don't check in every day every other day. We got friends that are bit Two of my busiest friends ever just hit me up invited me to watch the NBA Finals game going out tonight. We're not there, but yeah, what I'm saying is we come up with stuff randomly here and there. We don't we don't just check in every two days.
00:07:26
Speaker 4: But it isn't one sided.
00:07:27
Speaker 3: Like you will check in on them, they'll check in on it a couple of weeks. Yeah, Like, guys are different and different. And also I have different friendships where I have a couple girlfriends who we live far apart, we haven't seen each other in a while, but every couple, like on birthdays, on Mother's Day, on certain days.
00:07:44
Speaker 4: Or you'll just throw a throat like Sarah Hanes.
00:07:46
Speaker 3: Will throw me a throwback picture from ten years ago and say thinking of you, and I might not have heard from her in a month.
00:07:52
Speaker 4: So I have friends like that.
00:07:53
Speaker 3: But that's just a it's a it's a show of hey, I still care about you, and we might be in different faces right now, but like, here's here's the good thing. I like, this is a good way to look at it. What would happen if you stop reaching out? Would there even be a friendship anymore?
00:08:10
Speaker 2: I'm trying to think of anybody. If I stop reaching out to Oh no, I would get welfare checks exactly.
00:08:16
Speaker 3: So that means those are your friends. But that is a really good way to look at it. If you stopped reaching out, would you ever hear from them again?
00:08:23
Speaker 1: You know what?
00:08:23
Speaker 2: The only have one friend like that, and you'll know, I kind of want to call him out, you know, it is the only one because he's a malicious He's a moron. He's an absolute maron. I can't stand him. He is I hate him and he knows I'm talking about him right now. I'm going to afford him this episode, and we could call him out publicly because he's publicly.
00:08:43
Speaker 4: Known, and he would laugh.
00:08:45
Speaker 1: No, he wouldn't. He'd start calling Oh.
00:08:47
Speaker 4: All right, well maybe you should send him this. I love it.
00:08:49
Speaker 1: I would never call Matt out like that.
00:08:51
Speaker 4: Haha, I love it.
00:08:53
Speaker 3: You just said his name, all right. Number three, here's the third sign. You can't work through problems together. That sounds obvious, but it's basically people who care about a friendship act like it. Basically believe people when they show you who you are. So you should be able to apologize, sit through uncomfortable conversations, and then change behavior based on those conversations. And I can say Nicky and I have had maybe two tough conversations and they were uncomfortable and we were fighting, and it seems weird because when you see us, we don't seem like people who would ever fight, But those were actually transformational conversations where we understood each other. And so yes, if you can't have those conversations or you're afraid to have that conversation with someone, you probably shouldn't be in a friendship with them.
00:09:41
Speaker 1: I'm trying to think of one fight.
00:09:42
Speaker 2: I have a hat, what a dude, and we had to work through something in our friendship.
00:09:47
Speaker 1: I can't remember.
00:09:48
Speaker 3: I'm thinking about just that idea with men in general. It sounds funny, not that it isn't true and it isn't real, but it sounds funny because it just doesn't seem like something men.
00:09:57
Speaker 1: Trying to find one.
00:09:58
Speaker 2: The only uncomfortable had convers I had with a friend was Chuck, and he was mad at me because I was leaving one job and going to another place and he thought that was.
00:10:05
Speaker 1: A bad move.
00:10:06
Speaker 4: He cared about you.
00:10:07
Speaker 2: He was really trying to get me to stop, and that was uncomfortable.
00:10:10
Speaker 1: I me.
00:10:11
Speaker 2: It was Oceanaire at the bar in Atlanta. I remember it to this day, and erbes I didn't listen to him. The friendship continue. But at the end of that, you know what happened. I do you do you like? He tried and tried and tried, but at the end, fuck it, that's your call. You do your thing. And we continued on, but he was not. That was the most uncomfortable conversation I've ever had.
00:10:35
Speaker 4: Interesting, but it's because he cared about you. So that you knew where.
00:10:38
Speaker 3: It was coming from. And that actually is a sign of a good relationship.
00:10:42
Speaker 2: Art that was more than a decade ago. I can't remember another confrontation with them.
00:10:45
Speaker 3: Yes, yes, and that okay, and my point, yes, and I think my worst friendship breakup ever. Actually, I've had two really really tough ones, and you know how they ended with the refusal of the other party to talk to me.
00:11:00
Speaker 4: And that is when.
00:11:02
Speaker 3: That's the biggest red sign ever, I mean red flag and the biggest sign ever. I just complated those two things because this is what the bottom line is. It is telling how willing someone is to fight for the relationship. You can be mad, you can be sad, you can be hurt, but if you are unwilling to fight for the relationship, you should walk away.
00:11:22
Speaker 2: I'm with you on that, But that was that whole situa. Now i't get into that again. But yes, I get what you're saying. In the larger point, I don't know. It's don't we know. I'll ask you, don't you know? And the friendships use lost and things that happened over the years. Let me hell go back to your high school days. Yeah, after you lost them or you're really that surprised after you give reflection and look back on it, are you really that surprised?
00:11:44
Speaker 3: I have one that know on one of them, But yes, I am still surprised about one of them. I feel I actually feel fooled. Yes, it's the one that surprised me the most. I had another one that when I looked back, I thought, yeah, there were signs.
00:11:57
Speaker 1: And the one you're talking about, your mama not surprised.
00:12:02
Speaker 3: Yes, you could see things that I couldn't. All right, So when we come back, this is pretty cool. Not only did these experts give the warning signs, but they also gave some advice on what to do if your friendship is no longer serving you. And welcome back everyone to this Saturday Relationship episode of Amy and DJ. And it's not just about romantic relationships here we talk about on the podcast.
00:12:35
Speaker 4: It's friendships too, platonic ones. Those are so important.
00:12:40
Speaker 3: I can't imagine my life without friends, and I know most people feel.
00:12:43
Speaker 4: The same way.
00:12:44
Speaker 3: It's the people you turn to and typically you give your deepest, darkest secrets to and they're entrusted with a part of your soul. I think it's such an important part of relationships or just how you go through life is who your friends are.
00:12:59
Speaker 2: I think that's that's probably something with women when it comes to I mean even relationships, romantic relationships. Right, trusts vulnerability, and you give that over unabashedly to another woman. So when that woman then breaks up with you and she takes all that with her, that stings. It sings sometimes that your spouse doesn't correct and sometimes uses things against you, or it can get ugly, it can get nasty.
00:13:26
Speaker 4: So how to keep it from doing that?
00:13:28
Speaker 3: Look, we gave you the warning signs according to experts about when your friendship might need to end, But how do you break up with a friend? I thought this was interesting because I just told you before the break the two that I really remember didn't end with some explosive argument. They just refuse to speak about an issue. So they say, most friendships do not end with a dramatic confrontation or a talk. Most friendships dissolve through gradual fade, less.
00:13:57
Speaker 4: Contact or just no expectations.
00:14:01
Speaker 1: Yeah, just goes away. That sounds like a guy thing.
00:14:03
Speaker 4: There, we just that does. It's called the gradual fade.
00:14:07
Speaker 2: Okay, it's like sudden foment. Yeah, you just got. It's like ghosting, slow ghosting.
00:14:11
Speaker 3: Yeah, yes, it's slow ghosting, gradual faide. They say that's appropriate if you had a if it's a newer friendship, if it's a more casual friendship, that happens. I think I've had gradual faids and it was never like I made a decision, it's just what happened.
00:14:25
Speaker 2: Okay, that's that sounds different to me. That sounds like people just floating apart, drifting apart.
00:14:30
Speaker 3: A lot of times it's jobs changes or or you move cities and it just whatever. But they say you should and you need mentally, emotionally a conversation.
00:14:40
Speaker 4: If a long time friend.
00:14:42
Speaker 3: Or someone who has been extremely close to you that doesn't want to reciprocate or for whatever reason doesn't want to talk, that it's important to try and get that closing conversation, that it does matter, that it does help with with with closure for both sides. And so they say, if both parties agree, the tip is to keep it broad, don't make it personal, don't get into the you did this and you said this and that's why I'm upset.
00:15:10
Speaker 1: Wait.
00:15:10
Speaker 2: The suggestion is that an official breakup needs to happen like an official.
00:15:14
Speaker 3: Yes, but it's the healthy way to do it because at least both parties can leave without this feeling of anger and like you actually can resolve it by keeping it broad. And look, this is hilarious because this is the it's not you, it's me speech. But that is what they suggest. They say that you should keep it broad. Do not get into every grievance, every issue, every pain, everything you're upset about. But to just say, I'm going through some big changes right now and I'm not sure I can be the friend to you that I was before.
00:15:42
Speaker 1: Stop. Nobody has ever had that conversation.
00:15:46
Speaker 3: Bro. They said, don't make it about them, make it about what's going on in your life.
00:15:50
Speaker 2: Okay, fine, I just don't find that to be realistic. And fine, I know they're the experts and this is the way it should go. Yes, have you ever had a conversation like that?
00:15:58
Speaker 3: No?
00:15:59
Speaker 2: Yeah, can imagine sending a friend down you know what, I just can't be the friend to you I need.
00:16:04
Speaker 1: To be, So I just.
00:16:07
Speaker 4: I don't know how genuine that would feel. That this is what the.
00:16:10
Speaker 3: Experts suggest, And I understand because if you get it, if you get into every tit for tat. They're just going to argue and they're going to just defend themselves and it's just gonna blow up and it's gonna end back.
00:16:20
Speaker 1: Do you have to contact that person again? Go on? Everybody's gone on with their lives.
00:16:26
Speaker 3: What if the person who you don't want to be friends with is constantly texting you and asking you to go out and hang out and you just don't want to, then you might need to have that conversation with them.
00:16:37
Speaker 1: But what has happened that it's so one sided?
00:16:40
Speaker 4: I don't know.
00:16:40
Speaker 2: I thought that was part of the issue. Yeah, somebody is not reaching out, So you're the problem in the relationship.
00:16:44
Speaker 4: Possibly. I mean, I'm just saying you could be on either side of it.
00:16:47
Speaker 3: They're just saying a conversation is best, and a broad conversation is the best strategy.
00:16:54
Speaker 4: You're like, I prefer the gradual fade.
00:16:56
Speaker 1: It just it's not even gradual. I just I stopped talking to you. We don't, we don't roll.
00:17:01
Speaker 4: Again, abrupt goodbye.
00:17:02
Speaker 1: It's just oh, but I don't even think about it being a good.
00:17:04
Speaker 4: Pri can irish goodbye? It's like you just leave.
00:17:07
Speaker 2: But there are friends I had at places I used to work when I moved. I know I talked to those people again, but we were friends, we were hanging out together, and just it's I.
00:17:18
Speaker 4: Mean, yes, that's obviously happened to me too. You know what will happen though.
00:17:21
Speaker 3: Every now and then on social media, though, you'll get a like, or you'll get a little comment or I'm so bad at looking at my dms, you'll get a DM like it is nice. Sometimes someone will blastem your past ten years ago. You'll get this every now and again.
00:17:32
Speaker 1: I haven't looked a D five.
00:17:34
Speaker 4: I know you don't even you don't even look at your texts.
00:17:35
Speaker 1: I haven't posted in.
00:17:37
Speaker 3: And it doesn't come from me or Sabine. You're like, yeah, I'm not looking at that pretty much.
00:17:44
Speaker 2: And Lola, when you all are with me, I don't look at my phone at all. If you want to make sure, you're not gonna get a message to tj Olmes message while his two ladies are with him.
00:17:53
Speaker 1: There's no reason look at my phone.
00:17:54
Speaker 4: We're all the friends you need. No, no, you do.
00:17:56
Speaker 3: You do text back and forth with your boys. I'm abeasing, but no, I I just thought this was really interesting. It's something that most of us, if not all of us listening to this, have gone through. And I just think some of those red flags were really telling. And I especially liked the one that said, it's telling how willing someone is to fight for the relationship. That's like, to me, the biggest acknowledgment about whether or not this is something that you should continue to work on.
00:18:22
Speaker 2: Where do you fall out so much that you need to end a relationship. I'm saying I don't.
00:18:27
Speaker 4: It's usually dramatic, right, I haven't.
00:18:28
Speaker 2: Had Yeah, if something is that big of a deal, these rules don't seem to apply.
00:18:33
Speaker 4: Yeah.
00:18:33
Speaker 3: Maybe this is just in general for some of those some of those more casual friendships and relationships, the serious ones.
00:18:40
Speaker 4: Hopefully you all can talk it.
00:18:41
Speaker 2: Out serious and casual. All the rules are the same, but we handle them all the same.
00:18:47
Speaker 4: Way, all right.
00:18:48
Speaker 3: And with that everyone, we always appreciate you listening to us. I made me, Wroteboch alongside DJ Holmes.
00:18:53
Speaker 4: We'll talk to you, Sam
Speaker 1: Taylor.
00:00:02
Speaker 2: Folks, it is Saturday, June thirteenth, a relationship Saturday, you know, the day we spend so much time with the people we love, whether that's somebody we're in a relationship with or with a friend. But Robes has been telling me she has been dying to talk about this this week. When do you know there are some friendships you just need to let go of? And with that, welcome to this episode of Amy and TJ on this Saturday. Yes, friends, family and relationships. People spend these Saturdays together. A lot of time is spent on relationships on Saturday, including friendships. But this might be your last Saturday with this particular friend.
00:00:41
Speaker 1: After you listen to Robach.
00:00:43
Speaker 3: Well, I'm curious from a man's perspective, I think all the ladies listening know that.
00:00:48
Speaker 4: Girls.
00:00:49
Speaker 3: I just think throughout the arg of a girl's life, you go through some friends and there are some really tough friendships, and you're oftentimes wondering in different phases of your life whether or not a friendship is worth saving or if you should go ahead and break off a friendship.
00:01:04
Speaker 4: Do men have those same dilemmas throughout their lives?
00:01:07
Speaker 2: Generally, No, we just end a friendship, never heard from him again, or we fight it out or something. It's just not And I've learned a lot from watching you and also watching Love Island, and you explain things to me to where men just don't have oftentimes the complications you all seem to have. And we're in your face about it, right, you all play games.
00:01:28
Speaker 4: Oh we're passive aggressive.
00:01:30
Speaker 1: Yeah we don't.
00:01:31
Speaker 4: Yes, we're passive aggressive.
00:01:32
Speaker 3: We don't directly confront issues often and we try to manipulate and control.
00:01:40
Speaker 4: That is just the way we are. I can honestly admit that.
00:01:44
Speaker 2: Okay, there's a you know, I love my stand up comics, and there was a guys have talked about this.
00:01:49
Speaker 1: Dudes don't do this.
00:01:50
Speaker 2: We say, I saw this guy, he went that way. I called him a name, I punched him in a face, and that was the end up Like we just got into a fight. It was done like a very few steps in a male just I'm Marvel. We will have a Love Island episode up here in a bit.
00:02:03
Speaker 3: But watching how men handle conflict with one another versus how women handle conflict with one another, it is remarkable.
00:02:11
Speaker 2: Been five episodes of women conflict. Two dou handled it in thirty seconds, may the best man win, and they moved on.
00:02:18
Speaker 1: Yes, that's how we end.
00:02:20
Speaker 4: It's crazy to watch.
00:02:21
Speaker 3: So yes, us women, this probably is for the ladies listening solely because you probably you were kind of like when I explained this article, I was like, this is so good. They had relationship experts talk about how to know whether or not you should end a friendship, and once you make that determination, how to end it.
00:02:40
Speaker 4: And you looked at me like I had three eyes.
00:02:42
Speaker 1: You're like, what, Okay? First of all, it was about how to know, first of all, if you need to get rid of a friendship.
00:02:48
Speaker 2: Yes, okay, I'm dying to hear this because I mean this all applied to everybody though, right.
00:02:52
Speaker 3: I think, yeah, absolutely, And look they start on these this foundation that you should recognize that friendships are built. They don't just exist like family relationships. They're there, but a friendship is built, it's chosen, and most friendships require small but meaningful acts of maintenance. And if you don't or aren't willing to do those things, it probably is pointing to something.
00:03:17
Speaker 1: Well was considered maintenance in a friendship.
00:03:19
Speaker 3: Just checking in texting, even if you no longer live with or around or near one another. It's just that effort. A friendship requires effort, I guess is the point. But imbalance is inevitable and changes often take place with different phases of your life.
00:03:35
Speaker 4: And so I don't know.
00:03:36
Speaker 3: Again, men might be different, but women, we move around, we get married, maybe we get divorced, we have kids who're working, we're not working. All of those dramatically impact the level of closeness you have with a friend.
00:03:49
Speaker 1: Same for men.
00:03:49
Speaker 4: Okay, all right, we're with you so far. All right, So that's the foundation.
00:03:54
Speaker 3: Here are three signs, according to the experts, that it's time to reevaluate and potentially end your friendship.
00:04:01
Speaker 2: What we're gonna do one at a time. You're gonna name them all and then we just got how we're gonna do it.
00:04:04
Speaker 4: We'll do one at a time.
00:04:04
Speaker 3: Okay, you can't be yourself without worrying about losing the friendship.
00:04:10
Speaker 4: Oh god, yeah, women.
00:04:12
Speaker 3: That will land like you need to try and can amend what you think or believe or want to do to try and make the other person happy. So the point being is with your friends, you got to be able to be authentic. That's the whole point of a friendship to be able to tell your friend what you really think. Maybe something you wouldn't tell your significant other because they might fall out of love with you if they heard.
00:04:33
Speaker 4: But something you can. You need to have that friend that you can tell anything and everything too.
00:04:37
Speaker 1: Say the thing again, how's it put?
00:04:39
Speaker 3: The sign that it's time to reevaluate your friendship is you cannot be yourself without worrying about losing the friendship.
00:04:47
Speaker 2: Man, I can't think of one. Do you have one even in the past five years?
00:04:53
Speaker 3: No, I can't, because here are the signs. You're softening your opinions, you downplay your accomplished, you pretend to be more agreeable, you're trying to secure approval, and you're trying to avoid judgment. And anyway, they're just saying a friendship. I thought this was really interesting. Think about it like this. The bare minimum of a healthy friendship is feeling understood and accepted for who you actually are.
00:05:20
Speaker 2: Understood and accepted for who you actually are. Okay, I had a question I was about to ask, does this apply? Does it matter the need to be male male friendships, women women friendships? Does it matter if it's man woman doesn't matter?
00:05:33
Speaker 1: Gay? Straight? Does This is just friendships.
00:05:34
Speaker 4: This is friendship period.
00:05:35
Speaker 3: I mean you and I had a deep friendship for eight years and I feel like I was the person you came to to feel understood.
00:05:42
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, it makes it easy to date later on because you don't have anything to hide, like O, hell.
00:05:48
Speaker 4: I love all you're ugly, and you saw allmine.
00:05:50
Speaker 2: And she's still here, then we're good. Okay, that's not a guy I'd never Yeah, the thing you say that about softening opinions or changing things?
00:06:00
Speaker 4: Girls do that?
00:06:00
Speaker 2: Think of anything or any guy I've ever been around where I am tiptoeing in some way, or.
00:06:07
Speaker 4: It's a need to be liked.
00:06:08
Speaker 3: It's a desire to be wanted at all costs, even if it means removing part of who you are. That's a sign you're not in a good friendship. That's a sign that that might not be someone you should be friends with it Okay, number two, here's another sign. You organize and initiate every interaction. That's a big red flag. So look, a busy friend will make time to feel like you matter, even if it's just a text. Because yes, I will admit I sometimes feel like I'm not being as good of a friend because I'm so busy. We're working NonStop, but I will text and say how's your day going? Like, there are ways if you want to be in a friendship with someone and you want to have a relationship with someone. I text my friends almost every day, but at least every other day. Yeah, guys aren't the same.
00:06:55
Speaker 2: If that's the case, you organize initiate every interaction all of my friends. We should just all break up now because guys, we don't hear from each other for weeks and then all of a sudden it's hot. We just don't do that. We don't check in every day every other day. We got friends that are bit Two of my busiest friends ever just hit me up invited me to watch the NBA Finals game going out tonight. We're not there, but yeah, what I'm saying is we come up with stuff randomly here and there. We don't we don't just check in every two days.
00:07:26
Speaker 4: But it isn't one sided.
00:07:27
Speaker 3: Like you will check in on them, they'll check in on it a couple of weeks. Yeah, Like, guys are different and different. And also I have different friendships where I have a couple girlfriends who we live far apart, we haven't seen each other in a while, but every couple, like on birthdays, on Mother's Day, on certain days.
00:07:44
Speaker 4: Or you'll just throw a throat like Sarah Hanes.
00:07:46
Speaker 3: Will throw me a throwback picture from ten years ago and say thinking of you, and I might not have heard from her in a month.
00:07:52
Speaker 4: So I have friends like that.
00:07:53
Speaker 3: But that's just a it's a it's a show of hey, I still care about you, and we might be in different faces right now, but like, here's here's the good thing. I like, this is a good way to look at it. What would happen if you stop reaching out? Would there even be a friendship anymore?
00:08:10
Speaker 2: I'm trying to think of anybody. If I stop reaching out to Oh no, I would get welfare checks exactly.
00:08:16
Speaker 3: So that means those are your friends. But that is a really good way to look at it. If you stopped reaching out, would you ever hear from them again?
00:08:23
Speaker 1: You know what?
00:08:23
Speaker 2: The only have one friend like that, and you'll know, I kind of want to call him out, you know, it is the only one because he's a malicious He's a moron. He's an absolute maron. I can't stand him. He is I hate him and he knows I'm talking about him right now. I'm going to afford him this episode, and we could call him out publicly because he's publicly.
00:08:43
Speaker 4: Known, and he would laugh.
00:08:45
Speaker 1: No, he wouldn't. He'd start calling Oh.
00:08:47
Speaker 4: All right, well maybe you should send him this. I love it.
00:08:49
Speaker 1: I would never call Matt out like that.
00:08:51
Speaker 4: Haha, I love it.
00:08:53
Speaker 3: You just said his name, all right. Number three, here's the third sign. You can't work through problems together. That sounds obvious, but it's basically people who care about a friendship act like it. Basically believe people when they show you who you are. So you should be able to apologize, sit through uncomfortable conversations, and then change behavior based on those conversations. And I can say Nicky and I have had maybe two tough conversations and they were uncomfortable and we were fighting, and it seems weird because when you see us, we don't seem like people who would ever fight, But those were actually transformational conversations where we understood each other. And so yes, if you can't have those conversations or you're afraid to have that conversation with someone, you probably shouldn't be in a friendship with them.
00:09:41
Speaker 1: I'm trying to think of one fight.
00:09:42
Speaker 2: I have a hat, what a dude, and we had to work through something in our friendship.
00:09:47
Speaker 1: I can't remember.
00:09:48
Speaker 3: I'm thinking about just that idea with men in general. It sounds funny, not that it isn't true and it isn't real, but it sounds funny because it just doesn't seem like something men.
00:09:57
Speaker 1: Trying to find one.
00:09:58
Speaker 2: The only uncomfortable had convers I had with a friend was Chuck, and he was mad at me because I was leaving one job and going to another place and he thought that was.
00:10:05
Speaker 1: A bad move.
00:10:06
Speaker 4: He cared about you.
00:10:07
Speaker 2: He was really trying to get me to stop, and that was uncomfortable.
00:10:10
Speaker 1: I me.
00:10:11
Speaker 2: It was Oceanaire at the bar in Atlanta. I remember it to this day, and erbes I didn't listen to him. The friendship continue. But at the end of that, you know what happened. I do you do you like? He tried and tried and tried, but at the end, fuck it, that's your call. You do your thing. And we continued on, but he was not. That was the most uncomfortable conversation I've ever had.
00:10:35
Speaker 4: Interesting, but it's because he cared about you. So that you knew where.
00:10:38
Speaker 3: It was coming from. And that actually is a sign of a good relationship.
00:10:42
Speaker 2: Art that was more than a decade ago. I can't remember another confrontation with them.
00:10:45
Speaker 3: Yes, yes, and that okay, and my point, yes, and I think my worst friendship breakup ever. Actually, I've had two really really tough ones, and you know how they ended with the refusal of the other party to talk to me.
00:11:00
Speaker 4: And that is when.
00:11:02
Speaker 3: That's the biggest red sign ever, I mean red flag and the biggest sign ever. I just complated those two things because this is what the bottom line is. It is telling how willing someone is to fight for the relationship. You can be mad, you can be sad, you can be hurt, but if you are unwilling to fight for the relationship, you should walk away.
00:11:22
Speaker 2: I'm with you on that, But that was that whole situa. Now i't get into that again. But yes, I get what you're saying. In the larger point, I don't know. It's don't we know. I'll ask you, don't you know? And the friendships use lost and things that happened over the years. Let me hell go back to your high school days. Yeah, after you lost them or you're really that surprised after you give reflection and look back on it, are you really that surprised?
00:11:44
Speaker 3: I have one that know on one of them, But yes, I am still surprised about one of them. I feel I actually feel fooled. Yes, it's the one that surprised me the most. I had another one that when I looked back, I thought, yeah, there were signs.
00:11:57
Speaker 1: And the one you're talking about, your mama not surprised.
00:12:02
Speaker 3: Yes, you could see things that I couldn't. All right, So when we come back, this is pretty cool. Not only did these experts give the warning signs, but they also gave some advice on what to do if your friendship is no longer serving you. And welcome back everyone to this Saturday Relationship episode of Amy and DJ. And it's not just about romantic relationships here we talk about on the podcast.
00:12:35
Speaker 4: It's friendships too, platonic ones. Those are so important.
00:12:40
Speaker 3: I can't imagine my life without friends, and I know most people feel.
00:12:43
Speaker 4: The same way.
00:12:44
Speaker 3: It's the people you turn to and typically you give your deepest, darkest secrets to and they're entrusted with a part of your soul. I think it's such an important part of relationships or just how you go through life is who your friends are.
00:12:59
Speaker 2: I think that's that's probably something with women when it comes to I mean even relationships, romantic relationships. Right, trusts vulnerability, and you give that over unabashedly to another woman. So when that woman then breaks up with you and she takes all that with her, that stings. It sings sometimes that your spouse doesn't correct and sometimes uses things against you, or it can get ugly, it can get nasty.
00:13:26
Speaker 4: So how to keep it from doing that?
00:13:28
Speaker 3: Look, we gave you the warning signs according to experts about when your friendship might need to end, But how do you break up with a friend? I thought this was interesting because I just told you before the break the two that I really remember didn't end with some explosive argument. They just refuse to speak about an issue. So they say, most friendships do not end with a dramatic confrontation or a talk. Most friendships dissolve through gradual fade, less.
00:13:57
Speaker 4: Contact or just no expectations.
00:14:01
Speaker 1: Yeah, just goes away. That sounds like a guy thing.
00:14:03
Speaker 4: There, we just that does. It's called the gradual fade.
00:14:07
Speaker 2: Okay, it's like sudden foment. Yeah, you just got. It's like ghosting, slow ghosting.
00:14:11
Speaker 3: Yeah, yes, it's slow ghosting, gradual faide. They say that's appropriate if you had a if it's a newer friendship, if it's a more casual friendship, that happens. I think I've had gradual faids and it was never like I made a decision, it's just what happened.
00:14:25
Speaker 2: Okay, that's that sounds different to me. That sounds like people just floating apart, drifting apart.
00:14:30
Speaker 3: A lot of times it's jobs changes or or you move cities and it just whatever. But they say you should and you need mentally, emotionally a conversation.
00:14:40
Speaker 4: If a long time friend.
00:14:42
Speaker 3: Or someone who has been extremely close to you that doesn't want to reciprocate or for whatever reason doesn't want to talk, that it's important to try and get that closing conversation, that it does matter, that it does help with with with closure for both sides. And so they say, if both parties agree, the tip is to keep it broad, don't make it personal, don't get into the you did this and you said this and that's why I'm upset.
00:15:10
Speaker 1: Wait.
00:15:10
Speaker 2: The suggestion is that an official breakup needs to happen like an official.
00:15:14
Speaker 3: Yes, but it's the healthy way to do it because at least both parties can leave without this feeling of anger and like you actually can resolve it by keeping it broad. And look, this is hilarious because this is the it's not you, it's me speech. But that is what they suggest. They say that you should keep it broad. Do not get into every grievance, every issue, every pain, everything you're upset about. But to just say, I'm going through some big changes right now and I'm not sure I can be the friend to you that I was before.
00:15:42
Speaker 1: Stop. Nobody has ever had that conversation.
00:15:46
Speaker 3: Bro. They said, don't make it about them, make it about what's going on in your life.
00:15:50
Speaker 2: Okay, fine, I just don't find that to be realistic. And fine, I know they're the experts and this is the way it should go. Yes, have you ever had a conversation like that?
00:15:58
Speaker 3: No?
00:15:59
Speaker 2: Yeah, can imagine sending a friend down you know what, I just can't be the friend to you I need.
00:16:04
Speaker 1: To be, So I just.
00:16:07
Speaker 4: I don't know how genuine that would feel. That this is what the.
00:16:10
Speaker 3: Experts suggest, And I understand because if you get it, if you get into every tit for tat. They're just going to argue and they're going to just defend themselves and it's just gonna blow up and it's gonna end back.
00:16:20
Speaker 1: Do you have to contact that person again? Go on? Everybody's gone on with their lives.
00:16:26
Speaker 3: What if the person who you don't want to be friends with is constantly texting you and asking you to go out and hang out and you just don't want to, then you might need to have that conversation with them.
00:16:37
Speaker 1: But what has happened that it's so one sided?
00:16:40
Speaker 4: I don't know.
00:16:40
Speaker 2: I thought that was part of the issue. Yeah, somebody is not reaching out, So you're the problem in the relationship.
00:16:44
Speaker 4: Possibly. I mean, I'm just saying you could be on either side of it.
00:16:47
Speaker 3: They're just saying a conversation is best, and a broad conversation is the best strategy.
00:16:54
Speaker 4: You're like, I prefer the gradual fade.
00:16:56
Speaker 1: It just it's not even gradual. I just I stopped talking to you. We don't, we don't roll.
00:17:01
Speaker 4: Again, abrupt goodbye.
00:17:02
Speaker 1: It's just oh, but I don't even think about it being a good.
00:17:04
Speaker 4: Pri can irish goodbye? It's like you just leave.
00:17:07
Speaker 2: But there are friends I had at places I used to work when I moved. I know I talked to those people again, but we were friends, we were hanging out together, and just it's I.
00:17:18
Speaker 4: Mean, yes, that's obviously happened to me too. You know what will happen though.
00:17:21
Speaker 3: Every now and then on social media, though, you'll get a like, or you'll get a little comment or I'm so bad at looking at my dms, you'll get a DM like it is nice. Sometimes someone will blastem your past ten years ago. You'll get this every now and again.
00:17:32
Speaker 1: I haven't looked a D five.
00:17:34
Speaker 4: I know you don't even you don't even look at your texts.
00:17:35
Speaker 1: I haven't posted in.
00:17:37
Speaker 3: And it doesn't come from me or Sabine. You're like, yeah, I'm not looking at that pretty much.
00:17:44
Speaker 2: And Lola, when you all are with me, I don't look at my phone at all. If you want to make sure, you're not gonna get a message to tj Olmes message while his two ladies are with him.
00:17:53
Speaker 1: There's no reason look at my phone.
00:17:54
Speaker 4: We're all the friends you need. No, no, you do.
00:17:56
Speaker 3: You do text back and forth with your boys. I'm abeasing, but no, I I just thought this was really interesting. It's something that most of us, if not all of us listening to this, have gone through. And I just think some of those red flags were really telling. And I especially liked the one that said, it's telling how willing someone is to fight for the relationship. That's like, to me, the biggest acknowledgment about whether or not this is something that you should continue to work on.
00:18:22
Speaker 2: Where do you fall out so much that you need to end a relationship. I'm saying I don't.
00:18:27
Speaker 4: It's usually dramatic, right, I haven't.
00:18:28
Speaker 2: Had Yeah, if something is that big of a deal, these rules don't seem to apply.
00:18:33
Speaker 4: Yeah.
00:18:33
Speaker 3: Maybe this is just in general for some of those some of those more casual friendships and relationships, the serious ones.
00:18:40
Speaker 4: Hopefully you all can talk it.
00:18:41
Speaker 2: Out serious and casual. All the rules are the same, but we handle them all the same.
00:18:47
Speaker 4: Way, all right.
00:18:48
Speaker 3: And with that everyone, we always appreciate you listening to us. I made me, Wroteboch alongside DJ Holmes.
00:18:53
Speaker 4: We'll talk to you, Sam