Golden Advice with Kathy Swarts and Susan Noles

00:00:14
Speaker 1: It's I Do Part two, and it's some of your favorite villain hosts from The Golden Bachelor Season one. It's Kathy Swart.

00:00:22
Speaker 2: And Susan Knowles, and we're in San Francisco with iHeart for the Jonas Brothers concert and we're having the best time hanging out with the crew.

00:00:30
Speaker 1: Huh, Katy, Yeah, we are who knew? On this podcast, we're always asking you to call and write in when you need advice, So today we're going to be answering your questions.

00:00:41
Speaker 3: Little boy. Here we go.

00:00:43
Speaker 2: First, one's from Allison and Omaha, I'm going on my first date since losing my husband five years ago. I haven't been on a date in over thirty years. What's something I should try to do on the date so that he gets to know me?

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Speaker 3: And I'm not just nervous drink heavily?

00:01:07
Speaker 1: No this, You know, this is actually an easy question because Alison, I'm right there with you. I'm just dating and my husband died six years ago. So here's my advice to you. You should ask him questions about himself because everybody loves to talk about themselves, and if you ask him something about himself, you know his family, what he does what he likes to do on a weekend. That's going to help you come up with other ideas and he'll ask you some questions.

00:01:36
Speaker 3: Hopefully he asks her some question.

00:01:38
Speaker 1: But you know what, don't be nervous, Alison. You know it's only dating. You're not signing your life away yet, so go enjoy it, have some fun, relax and you know, get to know a guy you never know. You never know when the arrow is going to shoot.

00:01:52
Speaker 2: And for me, just take a big, deep, cleansing breath before you walk in and just do you. Just be you, because you're what matters, not him. Okay, so if you feel chemistry, just be yourself and I think the conversation will flow.

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Speaker 3: I really do.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. I would add one more thing to that, Alison. If there's something special, you know, some special thing you like to do, hiking or kayaking or something you know, bring up that, bring up something that's important to you and see if you can get a conversation started going.

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Speaker 3: Now, way to talk about it.

00:02:25
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, don't go too deep and let us know Alison, how that date goes in omhand, Rascal, we want to hear one.

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Speaker 2: Thing I will say, do not say, what are you looking for the worst question ever ever.

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Speaker 1: Well, unless she's looking for a glass of wine and then wave the waiter over.

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Speaker 2: All right, thank you for writing in Alison. Let us know how you make it. We would love to hear.

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Speaker 1: Okay. The second one is from Rachel in Miami, Florida. My marriage ended ten years ago after my husband cheated on me. I haven't been in a relationship since, and now I'm going through menopause. Do you recommend sex toys? I'm tired, but I haven't lost desire. Wellna, this one was for sus She's got about two suitcases full of under her bed.

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Speaker 2: Go for it, But I do have a favorite, my love. I should take stock in this company. The woman eyeser. No, Absolutely, pleasure yourself. There is nothing wrong with it. You're still alive and I don't know about you, but for me menopause it kicked in like it was way more than I ever felt.

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Speaker 3: As far as the changes you mean that you went through.

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Speaker 2: No, the desire for sex, and I didn't have anybody in my life during that time, So yes, by all means, I.

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Speaker 1: Guess that's two thumbs up for sex toys. I'd also say to you, nothing wrong with sex toys. But you know what, maybe you'd like to look in to find your relationship with a guy too. You know, it's not one of the other, Rachel, it's not one of the.

00:03:56
Speaker 3: Oh, it's both. Definitely both.

00:03:58
Speaker 1: So good luck to you, and I hope you find some great sex toys and hope you maybe find a good relationship the womanizer.

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Speaker 2: Anyhow, Okay, thank you Rachel. Janet from Brentwood, California. My youngest kid just left for college and I'm officially an empty nester. I've been putting my dating life on the back burner till my kids were grown. How soon into dating someone should I bring them into my world with my kids?

00:04:26
Speaker 3: Well that's a personal.

00:04:27
Speaker 2: Well so not the first date as well.

00:04:31
Speaker 1: Her kids are older, So, Janet, your kids are older and they're out of the house. So I think for you it's a little bit different. I think when you have young children, they're very impressionable. I think in your case, we don't know, you know, if you're a widow, we don't know if you're divorced, we don't know what your kids think of their dad. All those things really matter. But my advice you would be, don't bring somebody in to meet your children unless it's somebody you think you might want to have relationship with. Otherwise your kids are going to go. Here comes the next one. Here it comes the next one.

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Speaker 2: See how you feel about him when it's getting to that point where you're in a committed relationship, if you will. Well, some people don't bring them home for six months, and I don't think that's fair for anybody.

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Speaker 3: You think you should meet the one's family.

00:05:21
Speaker 1: Well, I agree, but again her children are older and theoretically a little bit more and alone responsible and a little bit more sophisticated. And understand we hope that their mom wants to date. There's something wrong with that, but I would not be saying, you know, this week it's Jack, next week it's John. And by the way, I'll let you meet Tom in two weeks. That's not going to play well. But we wish you luck and the dating. And can't get discouraged because Jannet, Can I ask a favor? Yeah, not you, Susan a message, Janet, here's my favorite, Janet. Can I have your cast offs? Can you send them my way? You know I'm not that picky, so you know, send me your send your cast offs. And who knows we could have loved budding in the air at any moment.

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Speaker 3: All Right.

00:06:05
Speaker 1: The next one is from Kristin, and she's from Paris, Texas. And I know right where Paris, Texas is, Kristin, because I've been through there. Okay, I've been seeing a guy for four months. He's a single dad and I'm a single mom. Every time we're together, his ex wife is calling or blowing up his cell phone. I haven't met her yet, But how do I approach him that it bothers me without making myself sound clingy?

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Speaker 3: Four months?

00:06:35
Speaker 1: Huh?

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Speaker 2: It's yeah, every time? I want to know, does he complain about it as well?

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Speaker 3: Or is it just you? You're gonna have to bite your tongue, sweetie.

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Speaker 1: I'm not gonna what a chocker Susan you and are going to disagree. Those of you don't listen to us regularly.

00:06:51
Speaker 2: I don't think it would make her sound clingy by complaining that's I wouldn't use the word clean.

00:06:57
Speaker 1: I think I think what she's really saying is it made my curse sound jealousy, like, do you still have a thing? Here's what I want to know, christ annoying? Well, here's Here's it depends why. If she is calling because they have a child that has special needs, if there's a reason, if she's blowing up his phone because, you know, do you have the number of a good plumber because my dishwasher just went out, I'd have a problem with that.

00:07:28
Speaker 2: I think maybe wait, blowing up his phone because she didn't want the divorce.

00:07:33
Speaker 1: We don't know. What I'm saying is I'd wait a few more months. And if this develops into a serious relationship for you and you think you see a future with this guy, then it's time to bring it up.

00:07:44
Speaker 2: But something Kathy and I do agree on is communication. Conversation.

00:07:50
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm not trying to have it yet, but.

00:07:51
Speaker 2: She's just seeing a guy. She's not saying she's in a relationship for four months. She's seeing a guy.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. So, and let me just say, Kristen, if every time you guys are together, his ex wife is calling and or blowing up his cell phone, one of you needs to go out and buy a lottery ticket because the odds of that happening every time you're together, you're either together twenty four to seven or she has you know what, she's got an apple tag on him.

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Speaker 2: Maybe she knows been more than once while they were together, and it's getting on on Kristen's nerves.

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Speaker 3: That's what I think.

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Speaker 1: I'd tread lightly Kristen for a little bit longer, and then.

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Speaker 3: Slow approach to this one, but have a conversation.

00:08:31
Speaker 1: If it gets Yeah, I would absolutely do. Thank you for sy snow, Kristin. And by the way, Paris, Texas is a great place. You've chosen a good town to live in, Okay.

00:08:41
Speaker 2: Helen from Rutland, Virginia writes, I've been divorced for a handful of years now and have decided I want something less conventional the second time around. Dating someone long distance seems appealing. What's one thing that no one anticipates though? When they start doing that? Well, I can tell you firsthand it seems easy, but it's not. It's some days are more difficult, but you get through that. As long as you have a plan for the next visit. That always helps. It is appealing because they're not underfoot twenty four to seven. You know you've been on your own for a while. I know I've been, you know, by myself for a while. And when he is here for two weeks, I love every minute of it. But it's like, oh my god. And then he leaves and she calls me, clean this up, do this, do this, shut the door.

00:09:38
Speaker 1: Here's what I think. I don't. I have never dated someone long distance, but I can imagine that no one would anticipate that maybe one or the other of you form stronger feelings and you don't want to be long distance anymore. Or you say right now, Helen, that you'd like to be a dating long distance. It seems appealing, it's less conventional. It allows you to be in your lane, by yourself. Sometimes it allows you to be with him. But here's the thing. Once you're with him for a while or he with you, you might change your mind or he might change his mind. And then here's the issue. You fall in love, he falls in love. You really down the road, you see yourself wanting to spend twenty four to seven oops, you're leaving Rutland, Virginia, or he's arriving on your doorstep, and you don't anticipate that, thinking.

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Speaker 3: It sounds good, and it is good.

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Speaker 2: It is, But then it also depends on how far of a long distance. Yeah, if he's in Europe, that's a hell of a plane ride.

00:10:47
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, I'm guessing you know she's she's thinking probably another state. But I also would say one other thing. You said, what's one thing? Let me give you one other thing that I don't think people are into topate. When you're with someone all the time, it's it doesn't take long till you see that they leave their socks in the middle of the bedroom. But when you but when you see them on an occasional basis, everybody's on their best behavior, and so you may or may not get to know the real person until you spend extended amount of time together.

00:11:23
Speaker 4: So so maybe though that's what she's wanted to know, and that's there's nothing wrong with no.

00:11:28
Speaker 1: And again, Helen, there's a common theme here. Send me your cast off too, Thank you so much. We have one from Lindsay from Newport Beach, California. Here we go. My ex husband and I are going through a long, contentious divorce. It's been over two years and I don't know when it will end. We've both moved on. He is in another relationship and I've been dating someone for six months. My kids have no problem with their dad dating, but are upset with me and treat my boyfriend terribly when he's around. What should I do? My exes? No help? What should you do? Well? First of all, I got some humor in here. You know, when the divorce, you know, in the contentious divorce is going to be over, when the lawyers cannot rent one more dollars for either one of yours, that's my other. You know what, kids, I have to be honest with her. My kids struggle until recently, and I've been single now six years. Until recently, my kids have struggled with me, particularly my daughter. Bringing a man into my life. Your kids, uh, six months probably seems a long time to you. I wonder how old your kids are because that makes a difference how old your kids are.

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Speaker 4: Also, do your kids live with you? Because they don't have a problem with their dad? Because I'm sure if he gets them every other weekend, he's not with that person. You know, when she's with somebody and they live with her, they're seeing him. As she says, they treat him awful.

00:13:14
Speaker 1: Right, But she said, but she said, the kids have no problem with their dad dating, So you're right.

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Speaker 3: I know he's dating, but maybe it's not in their face.

00:13:22
Speaker 1: And you know what, maybe that's, lindsay, something to try. Maybe don't date, get a babysitter, don't bring him home, go out, you know.

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Speaker 2: Not only that, depending on how old the children are, you have a conversation with them too. Hey, I'm alive. There's nothing you know what with eating. I'm going to move on.

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Speaker 1: So my parents were divorced when I was six, and that is not a conversation that I would have understood. That's why I says, Well, we don't know how older children. Oh, that's why I said, so you know, if they're teenagers, let's just be let's just cut caught what it is. Teenagers tend to be selfish and only think of themselves. So you know, they want to ride to the skating rink. They don't want you out on a date. I mean, there's we don't have enough information here, lindsay, but give it again, give it some time, give it time, don't don't push your kids. Just remember it's been a contentious divorce for you, but it's also been tough for them. They've lost their family.

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Speaker 2: You have noticed that, you said, my ex is no help. What do you expect him to help with? You want him to talk to your children? Maybe and say it's okay that mom dates, like I don't understand that part.

00:14:27
Speaker 1: That's probably what she's thinking. That dad could say, Hey, you know you don't mind being dating, right, you know you don't mind I'm dating Louise. Your mother should be able to date Joe. Good luck. Divorce. Divorce sucks, it's hard. I'm sure you're be kind to yourself too, you know.

00:14:46
Speaker 3: You're give it some time, Give it some.

00:14:48
Speaker 1: Time, give yourself the great, the great.

00:14:51
Speaker 3: My boys.

00:14:51
Speaker 2: I've been divorced eighteen years and my boys still don't want to meet anybody.

00:14:56
Speaker 1: That's a whole nother question for a whole nother podcast. It's called you know, send them upstairs for the Kedemine therapy. All right. The next one is from.

00:15:06
Speaker 3: David in Manhattan.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, I'm retired and my wife passed away more than a decade ago. Since then, my only focus was raising our kids. I have built a lot of financial security for myself and my kids. Now that I'm dating again, how do I bring up the nancys because it's important to me and I'm not going to do anything that would impact my kids negatively.

00:15:33
Speaker 2: Well, I don't blame me there, but I mean, you're just dating. There's no reason for that conversation immediately.

00:15:42
Speaker 1: Well, and let me just say, I think this is a tricky one. Yeah, And it's tricky because you have built financial security for yourself and your children. And I feel exactly the same way. My husband passed away, as I said, six years ago, and the money I have, I'm financially secure. My husband and I worked hard for that income, and I want my kids to benefit from that when I go. So I don't think David, that you have to bring it up right now. I think that only.

00:16:21
Speaker 2: If you're getting serious, moving in together or remarrying.

00:16:24
Speaker 1: But I think before you remarry, before you move in, you would have just like if you, David, just as if you were dating for the first time, you know, you had no kids, you would talk about do you want kids? Are we going to have a joint checking account, who's going to pay the bills, how are we going to pay the bills, who's going to do the laundry? You know, if and when it gets to that time with a potential mate, that's when you have those conversations. You You don't say to her, hey, let's move in together and then have the conversation.

00:16:53
Speaker 3: Called a prenup. If you get married right.

00:16:56
Speaker 1: Well, yeah, and then find a good lawyer who can break it.

00:17:00
Speaker 2: David, good luck, But don't be real quick to bring that up, because you'll turn somebody right off. And hopefully you'll find somebody that's comfortable financially themselves and that won't be a problem.

00:17:10
Speaker 1: Hold on, I just got a quick follow up here. I feel like I'm an attorney. Quick follow up, quick follow up question.

00:17:17
Speaker 3: You'd be good.

00:17:18
Speaker 1: I want to go to law school. Just couldn't couldn't get together. Here's here's my question for you. If if you are dating someone of means and you have means whose means pay first? And by that I mean what do you mean? I mean seriously? Yeah, like, think about it. If he if David from Manhattan finds a woman with means.

00:17:43
Speaker 3: It's the same as he has.

00:17:44
Speaker 1: Are we cutting it fifty to fifty?

00:17:46
Speaker 3: I guess?

00:17:46
Speaker 1: So I don't want to. I don't want to be told I'm an old time princess.

00:17:52
Speaker 4: Oh oh, don't you dare said princess? Emphasis on the old Okay, we have a thing about the word princess. Okay, you know, be stor right. The next one is from Chelsea from Phoenix, Arizona. My ex husband cheated on me and started a relationship with the woman he had an affair with. They ended up getting married, and after seven years, she's now found out he cheated on her. She's trying to turn to me for sympathy. I feel bad, but what do I do? She's the reason my marriage ended.

00:18:28
Speaker 1: Can I answer this question?

00:18:30
Speaker 3: Yeah?

00:18:30
Speaker 1: I'm going to too, but go right in this one. To me, honestly, Susan is so simple. I'm not going to say what many women say is wants a cheater, always a cheater. Now, I'm not going to say that. I'm going to say, why would you want anything to do with a woman who, theoretically, in your words, is the reason your marriage ended? So you know what, It's called busy signal. That's showing my age. If she calls, block her email, don't answer her text, and if she persists, say you know, Louise for the name of the day, Louise, I'm really sorry. I guess you know how I felt now, but we're going to go our separate ways. I've built a new life and I suggest you do the same. Be nice, be firm, be polite it's over, or or you'd be more like me. Oh god, Susan's going to invite you over for tea.

00:19:31
Speaker 2: After seven years, I'm well over it, and I would feel bad and bring her hugger and says and one of the things I could say, as you just did, that's exactly how I felt. I know what you're feeling, and I feel for you.

00:19:46
Speaker 1: And then the conversation is over.

00:19:47
Speaker 3: I can't fix it. And where do I want to be your best friend? I'll hold her hand.

00:19:54
Speaker 2: No, I'm not going to ignore her and make her go away busy signal.

00:19:57
Speaker 3: I'm going to say, give me pleasu sure to hug her.

00:20:01
Speaker 1: See.

00:20:02
Speaker 4: See, this is the different, This is the That's exactly how you feel right now is what I went through. However, it's been seven years and I'm over it, so bringing in, let me give you a hug.

00:20:14
Speaker 1: But really you're being like it. But you know what, I don't know because I never was cheated on. But but Chelsea, I don't blame you if you're not over it. I think that's.

00:20:27
Speaker 4: Really feel But what do I do you do? What makes what you are comfortable with?

00:20:32
Speaker 1: I mean you if you are looking to Susan and me for approval to tell her, you know, you take a short trip off a long pier. That's you don't need our permission do it. If you want to be the hug it out Susan type, you don't need our permission to do that either. I myself would not answer the phone, block her calls. And if I saw in the grocery aisle, you know, in the peanut butter aisle, and she came up to me and said let's have coffee, I'd really like to talk with you. I would say, Louise, you know what now you know how I feel or how I felt seven years ago. I don't want to go back and relive what I had to go through when John or had an affair with you. So I wish you all the best, but I have to go pick up my turkey in the deli aisle.

00:21:22
Speaker 2: Now, so where she can also say to her for the next one, how would you feel when the person that he cheated on you with seven years?

00:21:33
Speaker 3: What are you going to hug them? What do you want me to do for you?

00:21:36
Speaker 1: Susan. Don't ask a question that you either know the answer to or you don't want the answer. Okay, well you know what that's but you know what you do, what you want to do, whatever, and write snow Chelsea personally.

00:21:50
Speaker 3: But an ass he's an.

00:21:53
Speaker 1: Oh now it comes out. Oh wait, what happened to the hugged out her?

00:21:58
Speaker 3: Kumba said him.

00:22:00
Speaker 1: I'm sure he's a lovely man. All right. Well, thanks everybody for writing in. Keep your questions coming. This podcast is all about you, the listeners.

00:22:09
Speaker 2: And if you're dealing with a difficult X bouncing back after divorce, need some guidance, call us or email us. All the info is in the show notes.

00:22:22
Speaker 1: Follow us on socials. Make sure to rate and review the podcast.

00:22:26
Speaker 2: I Do Part two an iHeartRadio podcast where falling in love is the main objective