Aug. 29, 2026
Fighting 101 (Part 3) Dealing With A “Resentful Martyr”
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RSS Feed We’ve all been around this person: they appear nice, helpful and giving, but in reality their actions actually have nothing to do with you at all, they have to do with them getting praise and attention. The help they offer is sometimes even used as a bargaining chip or emotional blackmail and if you don’t accept it, or don’t like it, all hell will break loose. We have tips on how to recognize a resentful martyr and how to manage a healthier relationship with them.
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00:00:02
Speaker 1: Hey there everybody happy saturday it is saturday august 29th and this is our third and final installment of our fighting 101 series and this is an interesting topic resentful martyrs do you have someone who is a resentful martyr in your life do you have any idea of what that might be babe.
00:00:26
Speaker 2: A resentful martyr. A martyr is one always thinking they're taking some kind of a sacrifice, resentful. So yes, someone who sacrifices and is pissed about it and lets you know it.
00:00:43
Speaker 3: You kind of nailed it.
00:00:44
Speaker 2: Yes.
00:00:45
Speaker 1: So psychiatrists say this is actually a subcategory of narcissism.
00:00:51
Speaker 3: This is basically a narcissist in disguise.
00:00:54
Speaker 1: Someone really hard You wouldn't necessarily think initially this person falls into that category, but they basically make grand gestures, like in performative sacrifice. Performative sacrifice. Yet all of that grand gesturing and performative self-sacrifice is actually self-serving.
00:01:15
Speaker 2: Are there examples of this you're going to have?
00:01:16
Speaker 1: Oh, yes.
00:01:17
Speaker 2: Okay, good. We're going to have to get to it. I think this is fun.
00:01:19
Speaker 3: Do you know one?
00:01:20
Speaker 2: I have known one, yes. Not now?
00:01:25
Speaker 3: Well, they're no longer in my life. It is not you.
00:01:29
Speaker 1: And I'm saying, I think we can say, like, well, I shouldn't assume, but I think we can have some fun with this one because, and we always can have fun with it, but I would never, this is not you.
00:01:38
Speaker 3: And I don't think this is me.
00:01:39
Speaker 1: You would have to tell me because I don't want to pretend to know how I'm perceived.
00:01:43
Speaker 2: Well, I don't want to start a fight, but it won't because I've learned how to handle all conflicts today.
00:01:48
Speaker 1: All right, so resentful martyrs do things for you whether you like it or not. They're not necessarily... loud or flashy or arrogant. So again, they're kind of hard to spot. They appear nice, helpful and giving, but their actions actually have nothing to do with you at all and everything to do with them as getting validation and attention. Um, their help is always on their terms, and sometimes it's even against what you've expressly said you don't want or you don't need. Like a surprise birthday party would.
00:02:19
Speaker 3: Be, for me, a clear example.
00:02:21
Speaker 1: Someone knows you don't like that, and they do it anyway to say, look what I just.
00:02:25
Speaker 3: Did for you.
00:02:27
Speaker 1: Bringing big gestures in front of lots of people so that everyone sees how great of a husband or a boyfriend or a wife or a friend you are, because look at me, look what.
00:02:36
Speaker 3: I'm doing for you.
00:02:38
Speaker 2: Yes, we've seen this play out before.
00:02:39
Speaker 3: This is all landed, right?
00:02:41
Speaker 2: Okay.
00:02:42
Speaker 1: Some of the signs are, yes, they do nice things for you, but strings are always attached.
00:02:47
Speaker 3: Like what? Okay.
00:02:51
Speaker 1: So it will be... They want something from you. They need something from you. Maybe you didn't even ask for it or they want it, but you know the act of kindness will somehow be used against you as a bargaining chip, emotional blackmail. And if you don't accept it or you object to it in any way, they will absolutely go bonkers on you.
00:03:13
Speaker 2: Oh, I was imagining a fight in which a spouse is saying, after all I did for you and I put together that party for you, And you're going to do this? Yes.
00:03:22
Speaker 3: That's exactly it. It's used as emotional blackmail later.
00:03:25
Speaker 1: Like they're almost putting it in their I'm an awesome person category to be used against you if you ever have a complaint about that.
00:03:32
Speaker 2: Yeah, they're collecting scores. They're building up the resume.
00:03:35
Speaker 1: Yes.
00:03:36
Speaker 2: All right.
00:03:36
Speaker 3: Here's some examples. You asked for examples.
00:03:37
Speaker 1: I got plenty.
00:03:39
Speaker 3: And this might land for a lot of folks.
00:03:41
Speaker 1: Women, this really feels like a female thing, and I have experienced this. They give you a bag of clothes that you have no use for.
00:03:47
Speaker 2: A bag of clothes? Like, here, I've.
00:03:49
Speaker 1: Got these clothes that no longer fit me.
00:03:52
Speaker 3: This is a girl thing.
00:03:53
Speaker 2: Oh, okay. I'm sorry.
00:03:54
Speaker 1: I didn't even want these clothes. And then if you don't wear them or you don't like them, they're offended. They prepare some food for you. Or they make some reservation at a place they know you don't like. And then you're expected to go anyway. Like, I don't like seafood. And they know you don't like seafood. And they take you to Joe's, you.
00:04:13
Speaker 3: Know, crab house.
00:04:15
Speaker 1: And you're like... And then they'd get really upset if you didn't want to do that. It's not about the act. It's about the expectations they place on the act. They... They want and are trying to get a reaction from you that will make them feel good. They do what they want to do, and then they expect you to react in a way that gives them pleasure. So it's a really massively manipulative.
00:04:42
Speaker 3: Way of going about your life.
00:04:44
Speaker 2: Sounds twisted.
00:04:46
Speaker 3: Exactly.
00:04:47
Speaker 1: And then they say, if you are unclear, like, hmm, do I know this person? I think this person might be doing these kinds of things to me.
00:04:54
Speaker 3: They say.
00:04:55
Speaker 1: You'll know it when you say no. When you finally say, no, thank you. No thanks on those clothes. No thanks on preparing a meal for me. I did not want to eat. No thanks to some vacation you planned to a destination. I don't want to go. They actually start resenting everyone who refuses to participate in what they want to do.
00:05:16
Speaker 3: They'll get angry.
00:05:17
Speaker 1: They'll tell you you're ungrateful and They'll tell you you're demanding, unkind, or mean. They may give you the silent treatment or one-word answers. They may mope and act like a victim. They may even tell you you.
00:05:29
Speaker 3: Don't appreciate them.
00:05:31
Speaker 1: But I do think that this is something that you can recognize on the receiving end. I wonder how many people who are on the other side of it actually know this is what they're doing.
00:05:42
Speaker 2: Who wants to admit that? Because everybody who's thinking of something that they've done right now As they're listening, it might be something they've done. They are probably, the next thing they're doing is justifying and saying, no, not me. That was really out of the goodness of my heart. I didn't want anything in return. Okay, it's okay to ask yourself a question. Nobody's, you're not the worst person in the world.
00:06:04
Speaker 1: Yes, and you know what? I think people get so scared. I worry when I see an article like this. Yes, you absolutely can recognize when it's happened to you or if someone in your life presents.
00:06:15
Speaker 3: These types of behaviors. But it's so hard to recognize it in ourselves.
00:06:20
Speaker 1: And I think the interesting thing is if you've had this relationship where you've been on the receiving end, you do then have to ask yourself when you're doing something kind for someone else, do you want credit? And then, yes, I have absolutely done that where you make a meal. You want someone to tell you, thank you.
00:06:36
Speaker 3: That was so good.
00:06:38
Speaker 1: You buy somebody a gift for Christmas. You want them to tell you what a great gift it was and how much they love it. That's all in all of us, I think, to a certain degree. And I'll fully cop to that. But do you take it to the next level? Do you hold it against them if they didn't react the way you wanted them to? Do you hold it against them if they didn't give you some sort of gratitude or compliment in return for your gesture. That is something we can all work on. I think we all might have, or some of us might have, a little bit of this in us. And then, of course, there's the extreme where, yes, you are given this label, resentful martyr. But I just thought this was interesting to recognize, but also to self-reflect in moments about your intentions behind doing kind things.
00:07:22
Speaker 2: Interesting. It's okay to say thank you when somebody does something kind.
00:07:26
Speaker 3: I mean, you should. Obviously, showing gratitude is the kind thing to do.
00:07:31
Speaker 1: But you have to ask yourself, if you didn't get the reaction you wanted and you get angry about it, ooh.
00:07:36
Speaker 2: Okay, that's, yeah.
00:07:37
Speaker 1: What was your actual intention behind, and that's a hard thing to ask yourself. It's funny, I even think about, like, I don't want to bring this back to Donald Trump, but I don't know why it just popped in my head, this engraving his name on the Kennedy Center, because he wants credit for restoring.
00:07:53
Speaker 3: That's fair.
00:07:55
Speaker 2: No, this is an apt example.
00:07:57
Speaker 3: Yes, he wants credit for restoring.
00:08:01
Speaker 1: The Kennedy Center, and so he wants his name engraved so he gets forever, like, centuries later, credit for doing something good for.
00:08:12
Speaker 2: The Kennedy Center.
00:08:13
Speaker 3: That's a really good example.
00:08:14
Speaker 2: That's a really, really good example. That's a damn shame. But that is what that, man, a resentful martyr. And saying, if you don't let me put my name on it, we're going to tear the damn thing down.
00:08:26
Speaker 1: And that is one of the signs. They will get angry. They start resenting people who refuse to participate in their dynamic.
00:08:37
Speaker 2: I will destroy this memorial if you don't put my.
00:08:40
Speaker 3: They keep a log or a ledger of who owes them.
00:08:43
Speaker 2: Yeah.
00:08:44
Speaker 3: These are some of the signs.
00:08:46
Speaker 2: We have a resentful martyr in chief.
00:08:48
Speaker 1: Yes.
00:08:48
Speaker 2: This is not where this episode was supposed to go.
00:08:51
Speaker 1: No, but the interesting thing is all of these relationship episodes that we've been doing today... Yes, of course they apply to your romantic relationships or even your friendships, but they also, we can see them in politics. We can see them in our workplaces. These dynamics exist in every relationship, even if it's president to his people who elected him. These dynamics exist, and recognizing them in other people is one thing, but recognizing even smaller tendencies in yourself is freeing because you can say, oh, damn, on a much smaller level, I've done that. I've felt that. What is that about me? And I don't want to be like that. And yes, the most glaring example just might be our own president.
00:09:38
Speaker 2: I'm still laughing. No, that's an exact 100% perfect example of what you're talking about, man.
00:09:45
Speaker 1: Exactly. All right. So when we come back, we have some tips from the experts on dealing with a resentful martyr. Welcome back everyone to Amy and TJ on our part three of Fighting 101. We're talking about resentful martyrs and look, they could pop up in many different ways in your life and you could even be one yourself or be a version of one yourself. Don't want to I know nobody wants to admit that they have narcissistic tendencies, but upon many years of therapy, my therapist likes to say all of us have a little touch of narcissism in us.
00:10:26
Speaker 3: We're born with it.
00:10:27
Speaker 1: We are. It's survival instincts and we have to develop beyond it. We have to, first of all, recognize the traits in us and do better, as you like to say, babe.
00:10:38
Speaker 2: We're all narcissists. Is that what?
00:10:40
Speaker 3: We all have tendencies.
00:10:41
Speaker 2: Tendencies. Narcissistic tendencies.
00:10:43
Speaker 1: We all have narcissistic tendencies. And I think we throw that label around to other people. How many people will actually say, yeah, I'm a narcissist?
00:10:52
Speaker 3: Nobody wants to admit that.
00:10:53
Speaker 2: Sounds terrible. Sounds bad.
00:10:54
Speaker 3: Nobody wants to admit that.
00:10:56
Speaker 2: But it's okay to say I have tendencies. I'm narcissist-lite.
00:11:01
Speaker 1: But I don't think many people would even want to admit that. They're so quick to point the finger at other people. But the only way we all do better and get better is to actually reflect inward and stop. Every time you feel yourself blaming someone else for how you feel or blaming someone else, that is the moment we have to say, wait a minute, what's my role in all of this? So anyway, the tips on dealing with, yes, say you do have, like, oh my God, I know that person. How do you deal with Or manage a resentful martyr.
00:11:32
Speaker 2: With the president. Okay, go.
00:11:34
Speaker 3: The first thing you.
00:11:35
Speaker 1: Do is you just have to recognize what's really going on, okay? So some of it is just saying, wow, that's happening. So that gives you the first step. The next one is to recognize that conditional help, and especially when it's unsolicited, is a debt, not a deposit. So don't feel like you have to accept this help. with strings attached, that have conditions attached. Don't look at it as someone doing something nice for you. Recognize it for what it is. They're trying to get something from you.
00:12:09
Speaker 2: I'm paying for this later.
00:12:10
Speaker 1: Exactly.
00:12:11
Speaker 2: You know it when it happens. Exactly.
00:12:14
Speaker 1: And then you also have to recognize, because people get confused, that this is love.
00:12:20
Speaker 3: And it's not.
00:12:21
Speaker 1: It's that person trying to gain leverage against you. They're not trying to show you love. They're trying to gain leverage. That's interesting.
00:12:29
Speaker 2: Sounds like love. So that's exactly what love always is. We're trying to balance out who loves who more and all this and who has the power in a relationship. Okay. That's not love. That's leverage. which is love. Okay.
00:12:45
Speaker 1: Okay.
00:12:45
Speaker 3: And it's funny.
00:12:46
Speaker 2: I'm sorry. I'm just joking. I'm just joking.
00:12:48
Speaker 1: No, but the number one tip, and I underlined this, do not call them out.
00:12:54
Speaker 2: For being narcissists?
00:12:55
Speaker 1: Yes.
00:12:55
Speaker 2: Oh, yeah.
00:12:56
Speaker 1: Do not call them out. Do I need to repeat that? Yeah.
00:13:01
Speaker 2: Caitlin Collins, stop that stuff. Don't challenge them.
00:13:03
Speaker 3: It doesn't work.
00:13:05
Speaker 2: Don't challenge a relentless, what, martyr?
00:13:09
Speaker 3: A resentful martyr.
00:13:10
Speaker 2: I said relentless.
00:13:11
Speaker 3: Well, you could be a relentless resentful martyr. Yes, and that's so funny you point that out. Look what happens. And that is when you know.
00:13:21
Speaker 1: Watch the press. Somebody question him. Challenge him.
00:13:26
Speaker 3: How does he react?
00:13:27
Speaker 2: Explosively.
00:13:29
Speaker 3: And there you go.
00:13:30
Speaker 2: Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
00:13:32
Speaker 1: They say, this will only lead to unproductive conflict and... That's what a lot of narcissists want anyway. That landed for me. They put themselves in this position because they actually need conflict. It gives them a purpose. It gives them something to fight against. And in a lot of ways, it gives them power. And so by calling them out, you actually empower them.
00:14:03
Speaker 2: Yeah, narcissists don't sit in corners by themselves. They need to be charged. They do. They need to be fed, and that fuel comes from us.
00:14:14
Speaker 1: Yes, they get a payoff from you fighting back. From you criticizing them, they love it. Now they have something to actually bite on, and now they've got a purpose to fight you.
00:14:31
Speaker 3: This is what they say.
00:14:32
Speaker 1: So instead of calling them out, you literally have to accept... that this is who they are. And you have to be realistic then about the relationship and recognizing whether or not you want that person in your life.
00:14:48
Speaker 3: And those are the steps. It's not about calling them out. It's about being realistic.
00:14:53
Speaker 2: Okay. Once you use the president example, I can't get past that. So I apply what you just said to the president.
00:15:00
Speaker 1: Yes.
00:15:00
Speaker 3: So we have to be realistic and If we.
00:15:02
Speaker 2: Want to continue a relationship with him.
00:15:04
Speaker 3: And if you don't want.
00:15:05
Speaker 1: To continue a relationship with him, you remove them from your life.
00:15:08
Speaker 2: So no third term.
00:15:09
Speaker 3: When they're president of the.
00:15:11
Speaker 1: United States, that's an incredibly difficult thing to do. But maybe the best thing to do is to.
00:15:18
Speaker 3: Change the channel. But anyway, yes.
00:15:21
Speaker 1: And it's fun to look at it from a non-romantic perspective. But even for me, this has friendships. I feel like female friendships, a lot of times, this is.
00:15:33
Speaker 3: That's been my experience.
00:15:34
Speaker 1: That you don't realize it in the moment, but all of a sudden you say, wait a minute, is that what's going on here? And just recognizing it. And then I just think also correcting any behavior within yourself. If you have a tendency to have some of these feelings, actually get curious about them. If you're questioning yourself, if you're willing to be self-reflective, by the way, you're not a narcissist. If you're willing to say, wow, maybe I am doing that, You're not a narcissist. I think some people get worried. And then I had someone say, if you're actually questioning whether or not you are one, you're not because you're actually being willing to be self-reflective.
00:16:13
Speaker 3: So does anyone out there is like, oh, no, is that me?
00:16:17
Speaker 1: If you're actually asking yourself that, chances are you're not.
00:16:21
Speaker 2: But if anybody listening said, that's not me.
00:16:24
Speaker 3: Then maybe you are. Exactly.
00:16:27
Speaker 1: All right.
00:16:27
Speaker 3: And with that, everyone, we always appreciate you listening to us. I'm Amy Robach alongside TJ Holmes.
00:16:33
Speaker 2: We'll talk soon.
Speaker 1: Hey there everybody happy saturday it is saturday august 29th and this is our third and final installment of our fighting 101 series and this is an interesting topic resentful martyrs do you have someone who is a resentful martyr in your life do you have any idea of what that might be babe.
00:00:26
Speaker 2: A resentful martyr. A martyr is one always thinking they're taking some kind of a sacrifice, resentful. So yes, someone who sacrifices and is pissed about it and lets you know it.
00:00:43
Speaker 3: You kind of nailed it.
00:00:44
Speaker 2: Yes.
00:00:45
Speaker 1: So psychiatrists say this is actually a subcategory of narcissism.
00:00:51
Speaker 3: This is basically a narcissist in disguise.
00:00:54
Speaker 1: Someone really hard You wouldn't necessarily think initially this person falls into that category, but they basically make grand gestures, like in performative sacrifice. Performative sacrifice. Yet all of that grand gesturing and performative self-sacrifice is actually self-serving.
00:01:15
Speaker 2: Are there examples of this you're going to have?
00:01:16
Speaker 1: Oh, yes.
00:01:17
Speaker 2: Okay, good. We're going to have to get to it. I think this is fun.
00:01:19
Speaker 3: Do you know one?
00:01:20
Speaker 2: I have known one, yes. Not now?
00:01:25
Speaker 3: Well, they're no longer in my life. It is not you.
00:01:29
Speaker 1: And I'm saying, I think we can say, like, well, I shouldn't assume, but I think we can have some fun with this one because, and we always can have fun with it, but I would never, this is not you.
00:01:38
Speaker 3: And I don't think this is me.
00:01:39
Speaker 1: You would have to tell me because I don't want to pretend to know how I'm perceived.
00:01:43
Speaker 2: Well, I don't want to start a fight, but it won't because I've learned how to handle all conflicts today.
00:01:48
Speaker 1: All right, so resentful martyrs do things for you whether you like it or not. They're not necessarily... loud or flashy or arrogant. So again, they're kind of hard to spot. They appear nice, helpful and giving, but their actions actually have nothing to do with you at all and everything to do with them as getting validation and attention. Um, their help is always on their terms, and sometimes it's even against what you've expressly said you don't want or you don't need. Like a surprise birthday party would.
00:02:19
Speaker 3: Be, for me, a clear example.
00:02:21
Speaker 1: Someone knows you don't like that, and they do it anyway to say, look what I just.
00:02:25
Speaker 3: Did for you.
00:02:27
Speaker 1: Bringing big gestures in front of lots of people so that everyone sees how great of a husband or a boyfriend or a wife or a friend you are, because look at me, look what.
00:02:36
Speaker 3: I'm doing for you.
00:02:38
Speaker 2: Yes, we've seen this play out before.
00:02:39
Speaker 3: This is all landed, right?
00:02:41
Speaker 2: Okay.
00:02:42
Speaker 1: Some of the signs are, yes, they do nice things for you, but strings are always attached.
00:02:47
Speaker 3: Like what? Okay.
00:02:51
Speaker 1: So it will be... They want something from you. They need something from you. Maybe you didn't even ask for it or they want it, but you know the act of kindness will somehow be used against you as a bargaining chip, emotional blackmail. And if you don't accept it or you object to it in any way, they will absolutely go bonkers on you.
00:03:13
Speaker 2: Oh, I was imagining a fight in which a spouse is saying, after all I did for you and I put together that party for you, And you're going to do this? Yes.
00:03:22
Speaker 3: That's exactly it. It's used as emotional blackmail later.
00:03:25
Speaker 1: Like they're almost putting it in their I'm an awesome person category to be used against you if you ever have a complaint about that.
00:03:32
Speaker 2: Yeah, they're collecting scores. They're building up the resume.
00:03:35
Speaker 1: Yes.
00:03:36
Speaker 2: All right.
00:03:36
Speaker 3: Here's some examples. You asked for examples.
00:03:37
Speaker 1: I got plenty.
00:03:39
Speaker 3: And this might land for a lot of folks.
00:03:41
Speaker 1: Women, this really feels like a female thing, and I have experienced this. They give you a bag of clothes that you have no use for.
00:03:47
Speaker 2: A bag of clothes? Like, here, I've.
00:03:49
Speaker 1: Got these clothes that no longer fit me.
00:03:52
Speaker 3: This is a girl thing.
00:03:53
Speaker 2: Oh, okay. I'm sorry.
00:03:54
Speaker 1: I didn't even want these clothes. And then if you don't wear them or you don't like them, they're offended. They prepare some food for you. Or they make some reservation at a place they know you don't like. And then you're expected to go anyway. Like, I don't like seafood. And they know you don't like seafood. And they take you to Joe's, you.
00:04:13
Speaker 3: Know, crab house.
00:04:15
Speaker 1: And you're like... And then they'd get really upset if you didn't want to do that. It's not about the act. It's about the expectations they place on the act. They... They want and are trying to get a reaction from you that will make them feel good. They do what they want to do, and then they expect you to react in a way that gives them pleasure. So it's a really massively manipulative.
00:04:42
Speaker 3: Way of going about your life.
00:04:44
Speaker 2: Sounds twisted.
00:04:46
Speaker 3: Exactly.
00:04:47
Speaker 1: And then they say, if you are unclear, like, hmm, do I know this person? I think this person might be doing these kinds of things to me.
00:04:54
Speaker 3: They say.
00:04:55
Speaker 1: You'll know it when you say no. When you finally say, no, thank you. No thanks on those clothes. No thanks on preparing a meal for me. I did not want to eat. No thanks to some vacation you planned to a destination. I don't want to go. They actually start resenting everyone who refuses to participate in what they want to do.
00:05:16
Speaker 3: They'll get angry.
00:05:17
Speaker 1: They'll tell you you're ungrateful and They'll tell you you're demanding, unkind, or mean. They may give you the silent treatment or one-word answers. They may mope and act like a victim. They may even tell you you.
00:05:29
Speaker 3: Don't appreciate them.
00:05:31
Speaker 1: But I do think that this is something that you can recognize on the receiving end. I wonder how many people who are on the other side of it actually know this is what they're doing.
00:05:42
Speaker 2: Who wants to admit that? Because everybody who's thinking of something that they've done right now As they're listening, it might be something they've done. They are probably, the next thing they're doing is justifying and saying, no, not me. That was really out of the goodness of my heart. I didn't want anything in return. Okay, it's okay to ask yourself a question. Nobody's, you're not the worst person in the world.
00:06:04
Speaker 1: Yes, and you know what? I think people get so scared. I worry when I see an article like this. Yes, you absolutely can recognize when it's happened to you or if someone in your life presents.
00:06:15
Speaker 3: These types of behaviors. But it's so hard to recognize it in ourselves.
00:06:20
Speaker 1: And I think the interesting thing is if you've had this relationship where you've been on the receiving end, you do then have to ask yourself when you're doing something kind for someone else, do you want credit? And then, yes, I have absolutely done that where you make a meal. You want someone to tell you, thank you.
00:06:36
Speaker 3: That was so good.
00:06:38
Speaker 1: You buy somebody a gift for Christmas. You want them to tell you what a great gift it was and how much they love it. That's all in all of us, I think, to a certain degree. And I'll fully cop to that. But do you take it to the next level? Do you hold it against them if they didn't react the way you wanted them to? Do you hold it against them if they didn't give you some sort of gratitude or compliment in return for your gesture. That is something we can all work on. I think we all might have, or some of us might have, a little bit of this in us. And then, of course, there's the extreme where, yes, you are given this label, resentful martyr. But I just thought this was interesting to recognize, but also to self-reflect in moments about your intentions behind doing kind things.
00:07:22
Speaker 2: Interesting. It's okay to say thank you when somebody does something kind.
00:07:26
Speaker 3: I mean, you should. Obviously, showing gratitude is the kind thing to do.
00:07:31
Speaker 1: But you have to ask yourself, if you didn't get the reaction you wanted and you get angry about it, ooh.
00:07:36
Speaker 2: Okay, that's, yeah.
00:07:37
Speaker 1: What was your actual intention behind, and that's a hard thing to ask yourself. It's funny, I even think about, like, I don't want to bring this back to Donald Trump, but I don't know why it just popped in my head, this engraving his name on the Kennedy Center, because he wants credit for restoring.
00:07:53
Speaker 3: That's fair.
00:07:55
Speaker 2: No, this is an apt example.
00:07:57
Speaker 3: Yes, he wants credit for restoring.
00:08:01
Speaker 1: The Kennedy Center, and so he wants his name engraved so he gets forever, like, centuries later, credit for doing something good for.
00:08:12
Speaker 2: The Kennedy Center.
00:08:13
Speaker 3: That's a really good example.
00:08:14
Speaker 2: That's a really, really good example. That's a damn shame. But that is what that, man, a resentful martyr. And saying, if you don't let me put my name on it, we're going to tear the damn thing down.
00:08:26
Speaker 1: And that is one of the signs. They will get angry. They start resenting people who refuse to participate in their dynamic.
00:08:37
Speaker 2: I will destroy this memorial if you don't put my.
00:08:40
Speaker 3: They keep a log or a ledger of who owes them.
00:08:43
Speaker 2: Yeah.
00:08:44
Speaker 3: These are some of the signs.
00:08:46
Speaker 2: We have a resentful martyr in chief.
00:08:48
Speaker 1: Yes.
00:08:48
Speaker 2: This is not where this episode was supposed to go.
00:08:51
Speaker 1: No, but the interesting thing is all of these relationship episodes that we've been doing today... Yes, of course they apply to your romantic relationships or even your friendships, but they also, we can see them in politics. We can see them in our workplaces. These dynamics exist in every relationship, even if it's president to his people who elected him. These dynamics exist, and recognizing them in other people is one thing, but recognizing even smaller tendencies in yourself is freeing because you can say, oh, damn, on a much smaller level, I've done that. I've felt that. What is that about me? And I don't want to be like that. And yes, the most glaring example just might be our own president.
00:09:38
Speaker 2: I'm still laughing. No, that's an exact 100% perfect example of what you're talking about, man.
00:09:45
Speaker 1: Exactly. All right. So when we come back, we have some tips from the experts on dealing with a resentful martyr. Welcome back everyone to Amy and TJ on our part three of Fighting 101. We're talking about resentful martyrs and look, they could pop up in many different ways in your life and you could even be one yourself or be a version of one yourself. Don't want to I know nobody wants to admit that they have narcissistic tendencies, but upon many years of therapy, my therapist likes to say all of us have a little touch of narcissism in us.
00:10:26
Speaker 3: We're born with it.
00:10:27
Speaker 1: We are. It's survival instincts and we have to develop beyond it. We have to, first of all, recognize the traits in us and do better, as you like to say, babe.
00:10:38
Speaker 2: We're all narcissists. Is that what?
00:10:40
Speaker 3: We all have tendencies.
00:10:41
Speaker 2: Tendencies. Narcissistic tendencies.
00:10:43
Speaker 1: We all have narcissistic tendencies. And I think we throw that label around to other people. How many people will actually say, yeah, I'm a narcissist?
00:10:52
Speaker 3: Nobody wants to admit that.
00:10:53
Speaker 2: Sounds terrible. Sounds bad.
00:10:54
Speaker 3: Nobody wants to admit that.
00:10:56
Speaker 2: But it's okay to say I have tendencies. I'm narcissist-lite.
00:11:01
Speaker 1: But I don't think many people would even want to admit that. They're so quick to point the finger at other people. But the only way we all do better and get better is to actually reflect inward and stop. Every time you feel yourself blaming someone else for how you feel or blaming someone else, that is the moment we have to say, wait a minute, what's my role in all of this? So anyway, the tips on dealing with, yes, say you do have, like, oh my God, I know that person. How do you deal with Or manage a resentful martyr.
00:11:32
Speaker 2: With the president. Okay, go.
00:11:34
Speaker 3: The first thing you.
00:11:35
Speaker 1: Do is you just have to recognize what's really going on, okay? So some of it is just saying, wow, that's happening. So that gives you the first step. The next one is to recognize that conditional help, and especially when it's unsolicited, is a debt, not a deposit. So don't feel like you have to accept this help. with strings attached, that have conditions attached. Don't look at it as someone doing something nice for you. Recognize it for what it is. They're trying to get something from you.
00:12:09
Speaker 2: I'm paying for this later.
00:12:10
Speaker 1: Exactly.
00:12:11
Speaker 2: You know it when it happens. Exactly.
00:12:14
Speaker 1: And then you also have to recognize, because people get confused, that this is love.
00:12:20
Speaker 3: And it's not.
00:12:21
Speaker 1: It's that person trying to gain leverage against you. They're not trying to show you love. They're trying to gain leverage. That's interesting.
00:12:29
Speaker 2: Sounds like love. So that's exactly what love always is. We're trying to balance out who loves who more and all this and who has the power in a relationship. Okay. That's not love. That's leverage. which is love. Okay.
00:12:45
Speaker 1: Okay.
00:12:45
Speaker 3: And it's funny.
00:12:46
Speaker 2: I'm sorry. I'm just joking. I'm just joking.
00:12:48
Speaker 1: No, but the number one tip, and I underlined this, do not call them out.
00:12:54
Speaker 2: For being narcissists?
00:12:55
Speaker 1: Yes.
00:12:55
Speaker 2: Oh, yeah.
00:12:56
Speaker 1: Do not call them out. Do I need to repeat that? Yeah.
00:13:01
Speaker 2: Caitlin Collins, stop that stuff. Don't challenge them.
00:13:03
Speaker 3: It doesn't work.
00:13:05
Speaker 2: Don't challenge a relentless, what, martyr?
00:13:09
Speaker 3: A resentful martyr.
00:13:10
Speaker 2: I said relentless.
00:13:11
Speaker 3: Well, you could be a relentless resentful martyr. Yes, and that's so funny you point that out. Look what happens. And that is when you know.
00:13:21
Speaker 1: Watch the press. Somebody question him. Challenge him.
00:13:26
Speaker 3: How does he react?
00:13:27
Speaker 2: Explosively.
00:13:29
Speaker 3: And there you go.
00:13:30
Speaker 2: Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
00:13:32
Speaker 1: They say, this will only lead to unproductive conflict and... That's what a lot of narcissists want anyway. That landed for me. They put themselves in this position because they actually need conflict. It gives them a purpose. It gives them something to fight against. And in a lot of ways, it gives them power. And so by calling them out, you actually empower them.
00:14:03
Speaker 2: Yeah, narcissists don't sit in corners by themselves. They need to be charged. They do. They need to be fed, and that fuel comes from us.
00:14:14
Speaker 1: Yes, they get a payoff from you fighting back. From you criticizing them, they love it. Now they have something to actually bite on, and now they've got a purpose to fight you.
00:14:31
Speaker 3: This is what they say.
00:14:32
Speaker 1: So instead of calling them out, you literally have to accept... that this is who they are. And you have to be realistic then about the relationship and recognizing whether or not you want that person in your life.
00:14:48
Speaker 3: And those are the steps. It's not about calling them out. It's about being realistic.
00:14:53
Speaker 2: Okay. Once you use the president example, I can't get past that. So I apply what you just said to the president.
00:15:00
Speaker 1: Yes.
00:15:00
Speaker 3: So we have to be realistic and If we.
00:15:02
Speaker 2: Want to continue a relationship with him.
00:15:04
Speaker 3: And if you don't want.
00:15:05
Speaker 1: To continue a relationship with him, you remove them from your life.
00:15:08
Speaker 2: So no third term.
00:15:09
Speaker 3: When they're president of the.
00:15:11
Speaker 1: United States, that's an incredibly difficult thing to do. But maybe the best thing to do is to.
00:15:18
Speaker 3: Change the channel. But anyway, yes.
00:15:21
Speaker 1: And it's fun to look at it from a non-romantic perspective. But even for me, this has friendships. I feel like female friendships, a lot of times, this is.
00:15:33
Speaker 3: That's been my experience.
00:15:34
Speaker 1: That you don't realize it in the moment, but all of a sudden you say, wait a minute, is that what's going on here? And just recognizing it. And then I just think also correcting any behavior within yourself. If you have a tendency to have some of these feelings, actually get curious about them. If you're questioning yourself, if you're willing to be self-reflective, by the way, you're not a narcissist. If you're willing to say, wow, maybe I am doing that, You're not a narcissist. I think some people get worried. And then I had someone say, if you're actually questioning whether or not you are one, you're not because you're actually being willing to be self-reflective.
00:16:13
Speaker 3: So does anyone out there is like, oh, no, is that me?
00:16:17
Speaker 1: If you're actually asking yourself that, chances are you're not.
00:16:21
Speaker 2: But if anybody listening said, that's not me.
00:16:24
Speaker 3: Then maybe you are. Exactly.
00:16:27
Speaker 1: All right.
00:16:27
Speaker 3: And with that, everyone, we always appreciate you listening to us. I'm Amy Robach alongside TJ Holmes.
00:16:33
Speaker 2: We'll talk soon.