Aug. 29, 2026
Fighting 101 (Part 2) 5 Questions To Prevent A Conversation From Turning Into An Argument
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RSS Feed This episode was inspired by an instagram feed dedicated to helping people have healthier communication, called happy couples connect. We’ve all felt triggered during heated conversations with our partners, and that’s when we usually make it about the other person: it’s because of THEIR tone, or THEIR timing. The truth is most of us are operating out of fear and we either get defensive, use harsh words, or shut down without trying to understand the other person. We go over the five questions you can ask yourself, before a difficult conversation turns into knock-down, drag-out fight.
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00:00:02
Speaker 1: Hey there, everybody. It is Saturday, August 29th. Welcome to Amy and TJ. We are doing part two now of Fighting 101. I know you don't love the word fighting, but that is oftentimes where couples find themselves and people in general. So this next episode, I love. Five things to ask yourself to prevent a conversation from turning into a fight. The truth is the power is within each of us to do better and to be better. And that was part of what you were saying at the end of our last episode.
00:00:37
Speaker 2: To avoid a fight. So this is not bringing, so this is like just maybe a normal conversation and then things escalate versus in the last episode we were talking more so if you have an issue with somebody. Is it fair?
00:00:47
Speaker 1: Well, it's also about when you, it's acknowledging when you're getting triggered. So it might not start out as a fight, but someone says something you don't like. Someone does something you don't like. And somehow something that was small turns into something huge. And these are five things you can do, you can ask yourself before you escalate it. And we all have to take responsibility that each of us have escalated conversations that didn't have to become fights that become huge, huge divisive issues. You and I have experienced this. I think every couple has experienced this.
00:01:20
Speaker 2: We'll look back and say- Not us. Everything's been perfect here.
00:01:24
Speaker 1: Why did that become such a big thing? Damn it. And, and this is such, I think this is one of the biggest, biggest problems. My mom used to always say, and has always said, and we've agreed, you're never fighting about what you're fighting about. And that's kind of what this episode is about. I got this from happy couples connect. It's an Instagram feed. This is This Instagram feed is amazing. I couldn't stop looking at it. And this is about, it's a healthy communication and conflict repair site for couples. And this is about, when you have a trigger, instead of getting triggered, get curious, start asking questions. And Their point is every single human being in a relationship at some point has felt triggered, meaning the moment we feel bad or we feel upset or we're angry, we 100% make it about the other person. It's their tone. It's their timing. It's what they didn't say or what they said was wrong. Have you ever felt that? Obviously, I felt that. Have you ever felt that?
00:02:32
Speaker 2: Felt what? Because... Triggered. Uh, not that often. Uh, no, not that often. What would my, what are my triggers?
00:02:45
Speaker 1: Feeling like you're not being the man you think I think you should be, or I don't know.
00:02:53
Speaker 2: I can't tell you.
00:02:54
Speaker 1: I can't tell you what the triggers, what your triggers are. If you say you don't have any, then you don't have any.
00:02:57
Speaker 2: No, I'm sure. But I'm asking in your experience and what have you seen trigger me? What kind of get upset about what? Something to do with Sabine, maybe something to do with us, something. What triggers me? I'm not really sure.
00:03:09
Speaker 1: Well, you're the only one who could answer that. I wouldn't even want to try to answer that for you.
00:03:12
Speaker 2: Yeah, I just don't know if I ever react to something that I'm not aware of reacting to.
00:03:18
Speaker 1: I think everyone immediately goes, wait, you're saying I'm a monster? I'm terrible? I think that is part of being triggered where you're internalizing something or a complaint about something. you and then, and I, oh my God, I do this. I think every human does this. And all of a sudden you think, wait, you're saying you, you go to, you're saying I'm an awful person. You're saying I'm terrible. And so they say, this is about old wounds that basically are the fear of not being chosen, the fear of being too much, the fear of being ignored, the fear of ending up alone. I think, and I fully admit that all of those things play a role in so much of my mental health space that you have to, it's about acknowledging it. So you don't have any of those fears?
00:04:08
Speaker 2: Fears of, list them again.
00:04:10
Speaker 1: Fear of not being chosen.
00:04:11
Speaker 2: Not really.
00:04:13
Speaker 1: Fear of being too much.
00:04:15
Speaker 2: Not really.
00:04:16
Speaker 1: Fear of being ignored.
00:04:18
Speaker 2: I wish.
00:04:19
Speaker 1: Fear of being misunderstood.
00:04:20
Speaker 2: Happens all the time.
00:04:22
Speaker 1: Fear of ending up alone.
00:04:25
Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't know what that's about.
00:04:27
Speaker 1: What was the first one again?
00:04:28
Speaker 2: What was the first one?
00:04:29
Speaker 1: Of not being chosen.
00:04:30
Speaker 2: Of not being chosen. I don't know. I don't know.
00:04:34
Speaker 1: What fears do you have?
00:04:36
Speaker 2: I have fear about the health and safety of family and friends, people I care about. Personal. Personal fears?
00:04:43
Speaker 1: Yeah.
00:04:43
Speaker 2: Yeah, I have fear of not being able to provide. I have a fear of coming up short as a dad or somebody not being proud of me or Those are the types of things I.
00:04:56
Speaker 1: Yeah, but that's the same thing. Those are all like fear of... Those fears play into every conflict. And we all have them. So, I mean, yours are maybe different than others, but everyone, every human being has fears of not being good enough, basically, to that extent, to maybe put it up in a... Would you agree with that or no?
00:05:17
Speaker 2: You think... I don't know. I understand what you're saying. I just came up in a country that always told me I wasn't good enough. I have, in all seriousness, you and I have had conversations and we look at things differently. I have from birth told I'm not as good as the white boy next to me. My whole life. I've been trained to know that. I've been trained to have a chip on my shoulder to have to outwork, outsmart everybody around me. I don't, so no, a fear of not being, oh no, I've been told that.
00:05:46
Speaker 1: But that's triggering, Dan.
00:05:47
Speaker 2: And I'm convinced of that. And I know that. Therefore... I don't have a fear of not being that. This country makes it clear that's what I am.
00:05:59
Speaker 1: But you're operating through that lens, and that's tough. And I'm not saying it wasn't imposed on you, but I'm saying that is a part of your psyche.
00:06:07
Speaker 2: It's peace to where I don't get offended by something at work that a white boy might because he has an expectation of how things were supposed to go for him. And I always expected not to go that way for me. Yeah, so what you're saying is, yes, we have different experiences, but because of that, I don't necessarily have a fear of not being good enough. I know I'm not. The country tells me that. Pete Hegseth tells me that every chance he gets.
00:06:36
Speaker 1: Seriously. But that's triggering, though, isn't it? I mean, in that moment, when those moments happen, I know you can expect it, but doesn't it still hurt? Don't you still feel pain?
00:06:46
Speaker 2: Do you think I feel pain every time a story has come up? Somebody dropped the N-word and black folks are supposed to be offended and this and that. I'm like, yeah, that's exactly what we expect. That's exactly what happens. Yeah. I don't know if that's triggering to us because that's just life to us. So there are other things that might, yeah, that might. I can't think of. I'll give something by the end of the episode.
00:07:11
Speaker 1: Yeah. No, I'm just curious. But the typical reactions for people who are triggered, defensive. You become defensive. You get sharp, sharp words, harsh comments. You, you can shut down. You just shut down because what's, it's not worth it. Right. Um, and then yes, hard conversations turn into a fight. And the point being is almost every time we react in a disagreement, this is what these experts say. It almost always has very little to do with our partner and And it almost always has something to do with what's happening inside of us. And I think that is, I mean, that's just where we like, we can know it. It's you got to put it into practice. And so here are the five questions to ask yourself. Okay. So this is the moment when you feel something and you know what I, you might not like the word triggered, but you know, if I say something to you and you feel your chest tighten and you feel like, Ooh, what did she just say? Right. So the first question to ask yourself.
00:08:19
Speaker 2: Oh, I got it. I'll just say it to the end. I just thought of something.
00:08:21
Speaker 1: Oh, you did. Okay. Wait, do you want to say it now?
00:08:25
Speaker 2: It's the, yeah, and I remember a particular time you did or have done it, but to the suggestion that my being dismissive of my hard work is a triggering situation for me.
00:08:43
Speaker 1: Yes.
00:08:44
Speaker 2: Because this happened, I can actually remember how insulting it was at GMA that all of my white counterparts, because of my success, they always, well, TJ is just so funny. Well, he's friends with the anchors. That's why he's so successful. That's why he's doing so well and getting all this stuff that we ain't getting is because he's funny and they like him and dah, dah, dah, dah. Not realizing I outworked everybody over there. I absolutely did. And you've said some stuff to me before and being dismissive of my work that you've known That is triggering for me. That absolutely sets me off.
00:09:21
Speaker 1: Yep, exactly. So the first question you ask yourself, what am I actually reacting to right now? Is it this moment what just happened or is this something that feels familiar? Is this a theme in my life? And you really have to ask yourself, am I reacting to what they just said? Or am I reacting to something that I have felt over and over and over again? And if you recognize the feeling you're feeling, then it's something that you have to work on. It's a trigger inside you. because someone asks you something, you just have to, you have to really get curious and really pay attention to when and why you feel something. And if it's a familiar feeling, I think that landed for me. Ooh, I felt this way before. Maybe it has something to do with me. It has something more to do with me than it does with them. So that's the first question. What am I actually reacting to right now? Number two, What story am I telling myself about their intent? I think this is huge. Am I assuming rejection? Am I assuming disrespect? Am I saying they're disrespecting me? So I am creating an intent. I'm making a story in my head. So I hear something I don't like that triggers me. And now I'm saying, wow, they're so disrespectful of me. Wow, they actually don't give a shit about me. Wow, they actually think that little of me. And that's a story I'm telling myself about their intent. Does that land?
00:10:57
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a tough one for me. Somebody to keep in mind. It is. Say the whole thing again. You're supposed to what?
00:11:03
Speaker 1: Yep. So five questions to ask yourself. The first one, what am I actually reacting to right now? Number two, what story am I telling myself about their intent?
00:11:13
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's.
00:11:14
Speaker 1: That's the key.
00:11:15
Speaker 2: That's going to be a tough one to put in practice.
00:11:17
Speaker 1: It is. But I actually, that one landed so much for me. I was like, whoa, absolutely have done that. And I think every person, if they're honest with themselves, absolutely has done that.
00:11:27
Speaker 2: That's what you do all day long. And I always say, babe, just ask. We were talking about a thought bubble the other day. Why are you just asking me? if what's going on.
00:11:37
Speaker 1: Oh, yeah, yeah, exactly. And then sometimes, look, there are times when, yes, you have felt disrespected, but I never intended to disrespect you. I'm not saying I didn't, but that everyone puts this story, look what they did. They disrespected me, when actually that might not be their intent. It happened. But anyway, what story?
00:11:55
Speaker 2: But the intent, see, that's a different situation.
00:11:57
Speaker 1: We assign intent to people. That was my point. Just in terms of asking yourself, what story am I telling myself about their intent? Do you know what I mean? Does that make sense?
00:12:07
Speaker 2: Well, then the other part of that is, what am I telling myself about their intent versus something they just said I reacted to and was offended by?
00:12:16
Speaker 1: Yeah.
00:12:17
Speaker 2: And that's okay. The intent doesn't necessarily matter sometimes.
00:12:21
Speaker 1: Oh, yeah. No, it doesn't. No, I agree. I'm not lessening the blow. I'm saying we create an intent in our minds about the other person that might not be true. That's my point. Or that's not my point. That's their point. Number three, what do I need before I keep talking? And the point here is regulate yourself first because words last. Whatever you say, you may say something in the heat of the moment that you don't mean, but it's hard for the other person to forget. They remember it. They hear it. It stays with them. So what do I need before I keep talking? Maybe that's, I really want to keep this conversation going, but I need... I need a minute, I need 10 minutes, I need to breathe, whatever it is to make sure you don't say something you regret. So what do I need before I keep talking? That's huge. The next question.
00:13:16
Speaker 2: A drink, is that okay?
00:13:18
Speaker 1: Yes, I mean, I'm sure, yes. Whatever, it said regulation first. So for every person, it's different. How do you need to regulate yourself? Regulate yourself before you speak. That's huge. Number four, am I trying to be understood? Or am I trying to protect myself? And here's the difference. Protection comes off as defensiveness. Understanding sounds like honesty. So you have to ask yourself, am I actually trying to be understood or am I trying to protect myself?
00:13:55
Speaker 2: Man, these are true. You have to write these down, folks. These are tricky to keep up with.
00:13:59
Speaker 1: I'll say them all again, but I actually want to put them on a bulletin board. And number five, this is key. What would repair look like here? You ask yourself this. And the answer is not being right and not winning. That is what repair looks like.
00:14:16
Speaker 2: And what's the point of fighting if you're not trying to win?
00:14:20
Speaker 1: You're trying to understand.
00:14:21
Speaker 2: I was only kidding, but still.
00:14:23
Speaker 1: And you're trying to reconnect, I guess. That's the point. So I'm going to go over the five questions to ask yourself. What am I actually reacting to right now? What story am I telling myself about their intent? What do I need before I keep talking? Am I trying to be understood or am I trying to protect myself? What would repair look like here? That's hard to be able to do that in the moment, but they say practice makes perfect. Now, when we come back, this is one of my favorite parts of this site that I saw. It's the two truth theory. In every conflict, how about this? What if both people's perspectives are valid, even if they completely contradict each other? Welcome back, everyone, to part two of Fighting 101. And I have been fascinated by this site, Happy Couples Connect. And they had five things to ask yourself to prevent a conversation from turning into a full-blown fight. But they also have a suggestion about learning about operating through this two-truth theory. And I said it before the break, but basically... you can be on completely different sides of things, have feelings and reactions that contradict one another, where you're like, I don't understand you. How could you even think that? I mean, I think these are all really common themes and fights, right? Um, this is what they say. Their research has shown 67% of fights are unsolvable because you're not supposed to win them. You're actually supposed to manage them with respect. And start to understand the other person. But 67% of fights are unsolvable because you're not actually supposed to win them. You're not supposed to prove to the other person you were right or prove that the other person was wrong. You're actually just supposed to try and the fights are supposed to expose what you need to learn about each other.
00:16:36
Speaker 2: I thought that was always the case. As much as we joke about who won a fight, it's never supposed to be the point of a fight, is it?
00:16:44
Speaker 1: I mean, I think maybe sometimes if things and people have dangerous behaviors, maybe there are cases in which you would possibly need to have somebody understand something to the point where they realize they're wrong. Like there could be damaging or dangerous behavior. But you're right. I think most times if you're trying to win a fight, you're going to lose. Everyone's going to lose. And so they said when you can hold two truths to exist at the same time, and you stop fighting to be right to prove your truth is truer than their truth, then that's actually when the fight means something because you're actually trying to understand each other.
00:17:22
Speaker 2: Do they give an example?
00:17:23
Speaker 1: Yep. I have several examples. I'm so glad you asked. Okay. Here's truth one. Okay. This is one partner. You wanted to help. Your intention wasn't to make them feel criticized. The other truth, they feel judged and they feel like they can never do anything right. Those two truths can absolutely exist and coexist and both be right.
00:17:43
Speaker 2: Say that example again.
00:17:45
Speaker 1: So one person's truth.
00:17:46
Speaker 2: One person's truth is what?
00:17:48
Speaker 1: I wanted to help.
00:17:49
Speaker 2: I wanted to help.
00:17:49
Speaker 1: My intention wasn't to make you feel criticized. The other person's truth is they feel judged and they feel like they can never do anything right.
00:17:58
Speaker 2: Okay, give me another example.
00:17:59
Speaker 1: Okay. You try to fix your partner's problems because you don't want them to feel sad. This has happened to us. The other truth. They feel invalidated because they don't want solutions. They want empathy.
00:18:14
Speaker 2: These aren't. Okay, go ahead. You got another example? How many of these you got?
00:18:17
Speaker 1: I got two more examples.
00:18:18
Speaker 2: Okay, please.
00:18:19
Speaker 1: Truth one. You say you're trying to change negative behavior and you are really trying. Truth two. They still feel hopeless because they're not seeing any changes.
00:18:28
Speaker 2: I'm really trying. Okay, give me the last one.
00:18:32
Speaker 1: The last one. I love this one. You are not responsible for your partner's feelings. That is true. The other true, your actions do impact how they feel, and you should be mindful of that.
00:18:43
Speaker 2: Okay. Finally, we got to one that I can say is total bullshit. The last one. Say it again.
00:18:49
Speaker 1: Oh, see, I think this one was the one that landed the most for me. Say it again. One truth, you are not responsible for your partner's feelings.
00:18:55
Speaker 2: Okay. So that you're saying, that is one partner.
00:18:57
Speaker 1: That is absolutely true. Okay. There can also, at the same time, this other truth can exist. Your actions do impact how they feel, and you should be mindful of that.
00:19:05
Speaker 2: Okay. The truth there is that second one. That's just fact. So when I was listening in Robs, in every situation, this sounds like you're giving somebody away. You know what? It's maybe the best line of that movie, Couples of Truth, for a treat.
00:19:23
Speaker 1: Yeah.
00:19:23
Speaker 2: I know my truth. I know my truth. That was Vince Vaughn. I know my truth. No matter what they said, I know my truth. So that's a weird way to go about because you're almost, I don't know. That last one got me. Robes, there are realities in relationships. And I would advise anybody, if you're going back and forth on that truth, you should consider everything you do has an impact on your partner's feelings. It just does. If you want to take the other positions like you a grown-ass man i ain't responsible for how you feel you can but that's just not reality truth and truth fine they're also facts in life your truth your truth Go back to the third one for me again.
00:20:08
Speaker 1: One, two, three. Okay. You say you're trying to change your negative behavior and you really are trying. The other truth is they still feel hopeless because they're not seeing any changes.
00:20:19
Speaker 2: So here's the thing. Say it again. You really are trying. Read that first one again for me.
00:20:23
Speaker 1: You say you're trying. And again, these are not from me. These are from happy couple experts who say this is the key to saving their marriage. They said their marriage was saved.
00:20:30
Speaker 2: Okay.
00:20:32
Speaker 1: You say you're trying to change negative behavior. You're saying you tried. And you are really trying.
00:20:37
Speaker 2: And you are really trying. And this is where I stop. At some point, you just have to be better. Right? You can say you try and try and try and try and try. But what if you keep doing and doing and doing and doing and doing? Like, I'm listening. I just, it's a matter of respect. These aren't truths. Really? I see a clear side in all of these truths you're giving me.
00:21:01
Speaker 1: But the point is to not try and do that, to try and actually see the other as a truth to the other person. And that's how you come together. And it's not that you have to let go of your truth. Your truth still exists, but trying to understand the other truth to that person. And it might be just so opposite of what you think and how you operate. And their point is, this is a couple who says it saved their marriage by trying to validate both people's perspectives. Even if you think the other person is completely, like it completely contradicts what your truth is. You still, if you can hold space that that is their truth, Vince Vaughn, I know my truth. Even if you is not true for you, it's respecting that it's true for them. And I think that is the difficult part that creates so much of this conflict. I just thought it was interesting, a two-truth theory that you hold space that even though you don't, it's not a truth for you, that it's a truth for them. And there's a level of respect and that just gives an opportunity for connection. You don't have to agree to respect one another. And where they're coming from. And that people have wildly different perspectives and wildly different experiences. Okay.
00:22:19
Speaker 2: That doesn't go anywhere towards conflict resolution when you have to sometimes, Ro, sometimes. Let's use the Vince Vaughn example. If you haven't watched Couples Retreat, do it today. Sweetheart, he got nicked on the leg, right? And he said he got attacked by a shark.
00:22:34
Speaker 1: Yep.
00:22:34
Speaker 2: And he ruined the night with his friends. Because he got attacked by a shark, and he had a scratch that required a Band-Aid that you would get at the children's pediatrician, right?
00:22:43
Speaker 1: Yep.
00:22:44
Speaker 2: Okay, so I know my truth. I know my truth. There are times where reality trumps truth, and if I leave too much respect for you to be that, that.
00:22:56
Speaker 1: Look, I don't know, but if I applied the two-truth theory, what you would say is, okay, his truth is that he was attacked by a shark.
00:23:03
Speaker 2: Attacked by a shark.
00:23:04
Speaker 1: Your truth is he's being an absolute exaggerating crybaby who is being ridiculous.
00:23:12
Speaker 2: It's not my truth. This is fact. We are ruining a night because he has a scratch on his neck.
00:23:17
Speaker 1: But how about this? If the friends at that table said, OK, that's your truth. That's not how we see it. But if that's your truth, we respect that. And then he maybe he wouldn't have stormed off and said, I'm going home because they were laughing at him. They were making fun of him. The point being is to try and find a level of respect, even if you it's not your truth. OK, I guess that's the point. I would think in that case, but it was comedic and hilarious and we've used it often.
00:23:46
Speaker 2: I know my truth.
00:23:47
Speaker 1: In a funny way. I don't think we've used it in the heat of an argument.
00:23:51
Speaker 2: But now I have permission to do so. That shuts down every argument. There's nothing you can say to me. There's no argument you can make. There is no wrong you can tell me I do. Because, baby, I know my truth.
00:24:02
Speaker 1: Well, you're taking that in a negative way. The positive way is that you extend that to the other person. So I extend it to you and you extend it to me. You don't need to defend yourself because I'm accepting that that's your truth.
00:24:15
Speaker 2: Okay. So this ends all fights.
00:24:17
Speaker 1: It should. Right?
00:24:19
Speaker 2: At the beginning.
00:24:19
Speaker 1: Conceptually, yes. Because if I accept that's your truth and you accept that it's my truth, we don't have to be angry at each other.
00:24:26
Speaker 2: We don't at all.
00:24:26
Speaker 1: We don't. We can just say, wow, that is not how I think, but I respect where your head is and I will honor what you feel. And if that requires an apology, I'm sorry. And you can say, and I don't, your truth is foreign as hell to me, but I'm sorry for... saying things that upset you. And then there's just... And you don't have to... Like, that's the thing.
00:24:53
Speaker 2: That's awesome.
00:24:53
Speaker 1: You need to understand. You need to agree with me. You need to accept. No, you could just have... It's radical acceptance, I guess, is what this kind of is, the two-truth theory.
00:25:02
Speaker 2: That's going to be awesome. Yeah, try this. Fellas, try this. When she's yelling at the top of her lungs that you didn't clean the dishes for two straight days and left them in the sink, okay?
00:25:16
Speaker 1: Say.
00:25:18
Speaker 2: Uh, babe, I, my truth is that I really didn't understand you were serious when you said you wanted to make sure I did that. That's my truth.
00:25:25
Speaker 1: Oh, I don't think you're supposed to tell someone my truth contradicts with you. You just say, this is what's going on in your head. You accept their truth. You don't have to point out.
00:25:34
Speaker 2: But then how are they going to accept my truth?
00:25:37
Speaker 1: You just know that your truth is your truth. It's just about, the point is it's not about telling them why they're wrong. It's about validating their truth, even if you don't, if you have a different truth.
00:25:49
Speaker 2: Okay.
00:25:49
Speaker 1: I'm going to go over when you can hold both truths at the same time.
00:25:54
Speaker 2: Okay.
00:25:54
Speaker 1: You stop fighting to be right and you start working to understand. Yes. Yes. That's it.
00:26:01
Speaker 2: That makes sense.
00:26:01
Speaker 1: That's it. That makes sense. All right. So next up. We will have our third and final in our series of Fighting 101. And this is a question, and this might even not be about romantic relationships. It could be, but it could also be about friendships. That's certainly red for me. Do you have a resentful martyr in your life? We'll talk about that in our next episode.
Speaker 1: Hey there, everybody. It is Saturday, August 29th. Welcome to Amy and TJ. We are doing part two now of Fighting 101. I know you don't love the word fighting, but that is oftentimes where couples find themselves and people in general. So this next episode, I love. Five things to ask yourself to prevent a conversation from turning into a fight. The truth is the power is within each of us to do better and to be better. And that was part of what you were saying at the end of our last episode.
00:00:37
Speaker 2: To avoid a fight. So this is not bringing, so this is like just maybe a normal conversation and then things escalate versus in the last episode we were talking more so if you have an issue with somebody. Is it fair?
00:00:47
Speaker 1: Well, it's also about when you, it's acknowledging when you're getting triggered. So it might not start out as a fight, but someone says something you don't like. Someone does something you don't like. And somehow something that was small turns into something huge. And these are five things you can do, you can ask yourself before you escalate it. And we all have to take responsibility that each of us have escalated conversations that didn't have to become fights that become huge, huge divisive issues. You and I have experienced this. I think every couple has experienced this.
00:01:20
Speaker 2: We'll look back and say- Not us. Everything's been perfect here.
00:01:24
Speaker 1: Why did that become such a big thing? Damn it. And, and this is such, I think this is one of the biggest, biggest problems. My mom used to always say, and has always said, and we've agreed, you're never fighting about what you're fighting about. And that's kind of what this episode is about. I got this from happy couples connect. It's an Instagram feed. This is This Instagram feed is amazing. I couldn't stop looking at it. And this is about, it's a healthy communication and conflict repair site for couples. And this is about, when you have a trigger, instead of getting triggered, get curious, start asking questions. And Their point is every single human being in a relationship at some point has felt triggered, meaning the moment we feel bad or we feel upset or we're angry, we 100% make it about the other person. It's their tone. It's their timing. It's what they didn't say or what they said was wrong. Have you ever felt that? Obviously, I felt that. Have you ever felt that?
00:02:32
Speaker 2: Felt what? Because... Triggered. Uh, not that often. Uh, no, not that often. What would my, what are my triggers?
00:02:45
Speaker 1: Feeling like you're not being the man you think I think you should be, or I don't know.
00:02:53
Speaker 2: I can't tell you.
00:02:54
Speaker 1: I can't tell you what the triggers, what your triggers are. If you say you don't have any, then you don't have any.
00:02:57
Speaker 2: No, I'm sure. But I'm asking in your experience and what have you seen trigger me? What kind of get upset about what? Something to do with Sabine, maybe something to do with us, something. What triggers me? I'm not really sure.
00:03:09
Speaker 1: Well, you're the only one who could answer that. I wouldn't even want to try to answer that for you.
00:03:12
Speaker 2: Yeah, I just don't know if I ever react to something that I'm not aware of reacting to.
00:03:18
Speaker 1: I think everyone immediately goes, wait, you're saying I'm a monster? I'm terrible? I think that is part of being triggered where you're internalizing something or a complaint about something. you and then, and I, oh my God, I do this. I think every human does this. And all of a sudden you think, wait, you're saying you, you go to, you're saying I'm an awful person. You're saying I'm terrible. And so they say, this is about old wounds that basically are the fear of not being chosen, the fear of being too much, the fear of being ignored, the fear of ending up alone. I think, and I fully admit that all of those things play a role in so much of my mental health space that you have to, it's about acknowledging it. So you don't have any of those fears?
00:04:08
Speaker 2: Fears of, list them again.
00:04:10
Speaker 1: Fear of not being chosen.
00:04:11
Speaker 2: Not really.
00:04:13
Speaker 1: Fear of being too much.
00:04:15
Speaker 2: Not really.
00:04:16
Speaker 1: Fear of being ignored.
00:04:18
Speaker 2: I wish.
00:04:19
Speaker 1: Fear of being misunderstood.
00:04:20
Speaker 2: Happens all the time.
00:04:22
Speaker 1: Fear of ending up alone.
00:04:25
Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't know what that's about.
00:04:27
Speaker 1: What was the first one again?
00:04:28
Speaker 2: What was the first one?
00:04:29
Speaker 1: Of not being chosen.
00:04:30
Speaker 2: Of not being chosen. I don't know. I don't know.
00:04:34
Speaker 1: What fears do you have?
00:04:36
Speaker 2: I have fear about the health and safety of family and friends, people I care about. Personal. Personal fears?
00:04:43
Speaker 1: Yeah.
00:04:43
Speaker 2: Yeah, I have fear of not being able to provide. I have a fear of coming up short as a dad or somebody not being proud of me or Those are the types of things I.
00:04:56
Speaker 1: Yeah, but that's the same thing. Those are all like fear of... Those fears play into every conflict. And we all have them. So, I mean, yours are maybe different than others, but everyone, every human being has fears of not being good enough, basically, to that extent, to maybe put it up in a... Would you agree with that or no?
00:05:17
Speaker 2: You think... I don't know. I understand what you're saying. I just came up in a country that always told me I wasn't good enough. I have, in all seriousness, you and I have had conversations and we look at things differently. I have from birth told I'm not as good as the white boy next to me. My whole life. I've been trained to know that. I've been trained to have a chip on my shoulder to have to outwork, outsmart everybody around me. I don't, so no, a fear of not being, oh no, I've been told that.
00:05:46
Speaker 1: But that's triggering, Dan.
00:05:47
Speaker 2: And I'm convinced of that. And I know that. Therefore... I don't have a fear of not being that. This country makes it clear that's what I am.
00:05:59
Speaker 1: But you're operating through that lens, and that's tough. And I'm not saying it wasn't imposed on you, but I'm saying that is a part of your psyche.
00:06:07
Speaker 2: It's peace to where I don't get offended by something at work that a white boy might because he has an expectation of how things were supposed to go for him. And I always expected not to go that way for me. Yeah, so what you're saying is, yes, we have different experiences, but because of that, I don't necessarily have a fear of not being good enough. I know I'm not. The country tells me that. Pete Hegseth tells me that every chance he gets.
00:06:36
Speaker 1: Seriously. But that's triggering, though, isn't it? I mean, in that moment, when those moments happen, I know you can expect it, but doesn't it still hurt? Don't you still feel pain?
00:06:46
Speaker 2: Do you think I feel pain every time a story has come up? Somebody dropped the N-word and black folks are supposed to be offended and this and that. I'm like, yeah, that's exactly what we expect. That's exactly what happens. Yeah. I don't know if that's triggering to us because that's just life to us. So there are other things that might, yeah, that might. I can't think of. I'll give something by the end of the episode.
00:07:11
Speaker 1: Yeah. No, I'm just curious. But the typical reactions for people who are triggered, defensive. You become defensive. You get sharp, sharp words, harsh comments. You, you can shut down. You just shut down because what's, it's not worth it. Right. Um, and then yes, hard conversations turn into a fight. And the point being is almost every time we react in a disagreement, this is what these experts say. It almost always has very little to do with our partner and And it almost always has something to do with what's happening inside of us. And I think that is, I mean, that's just where we like, we can know it. It's you got to put it into practice. And so here are the five questions to ask yourself. Okay. So this is the moment when you feel something and you know what I, you might not like the word triggered, but you know, if I say something to you and you feel your chest tighten and you feel like, Ooh, what did she just say? Right. So the first question to ask yourself.
00:08:19
Speaker 2: Oh, I got it. I'll just say it to the end. I just thought of something.
00:08:21
Speaker 1: Oh, you did. Okay. Wait, do you want to say it now?
00:08:25
Speaker 2: It's the, yeah, and I remember a particular time you did or have done it, but to the suggestion that my being dismissive of my hard work is a triggering situation for me.
00:08:43
Speaker 1: Yes.
00:08:44
Speaker 2: Because this happened, I can actually remember how insulting it was at GMA that all of my white counterparts, because of my success, they always, well, TJ is just so funny. Well, he's friends with the anchors. That's why he's so successful. That's why he's doing so well and getting all this stuff that we ain't getting is because he's funny and they like him and dah, dah, dah, dah. Not realizing I outworked everybody over there. I absolutely did. And you've said some stuff to me before and being dismissive of my work that you've known That is triggering for me. That absolutely sets me off.
00:09:21
Speaker 1: Yep, exactly. So the first question you ask yourself, what am I actually reacting to right now? Is it this moment what just happened or is this something that feels familiar? Is this a theme in my life? And you really have to ask yourself, am I reacting to what they just said? Or am I reacting to something that I have felt over and over and over again? And if you recognize the feeling you're feeling, then it's something that you have to work on. It's a trigger inside you. because someone asks you something, you just have to, you have to really get curious and really pay attention to when and why you feel something. And if it's a familiar feeling, I think that landed for me. Ooh, I felt this way before. Maybe it has something to do with me. It has something more to do with me than it does with them. So that's the first question. What am I actually reacting to right now? Number two, What story am I telling myself about their intent? I think this is huge. Am I assuming rejection? Am I assuming disrespect? Am I saying they're disrespecting me? So I am creating an intent. I'm making a story in my head. So I hear something I don't like that triggers me. And now I'm saying, wow, they're so disrespectful of me. Wow, they actually don't give a shit about me. Wow, they actually think that little of me. And that's a story I'm telling myself about their intent. Does that land?
00:10:57
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a tough one for me. Somebody to keep in mind. It is. Say the whole thing again. You're supposed to what?
00:11:03
Speaker 1: Yep. So five questions to ask yourself. The first one, what am I actually reacting to right now? Number two, what story am I telling myself about their intent?
00:11:13
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's.
00:11:14
Speaker 1: That's the key.
00:11:15
Speaker 2: That's going to be a tough one to put in practice.
00:11:17
Speaker 1: It is. But I actually, that one landed so much for me. I was like, whoa, absolutely have done that. And I think every person, if they're honest with themselves, absolutely has done that.
00:11:27
Speaker 2: That's what you do all day long. And I always say, babe, just ask. We were talking about a thought bubble the other day. Why are you just asking me? if what's going on.
00:11:37
Speaker 1: Oh, yeah, yeah, exactly. And then sometimes, look, there are times when, yes, you have felt disrespected, but I never intended to disrespect you. I'm not saying I didn't, but that everyone puts this story, look what they did. They disrespected me, when actually that might not be their intent. It happened. But anyway, what story?
00:11:55
Speaker 2: But the intent, see, that's a different situation.
00:11:57
Speaker 1: We assign intent to people. That was my point. Just in terms of asking yourself, what story am I telling myself about their intent? Do you know what I mean? Does that make sense?
00:12:07
Speaker 2: Well, then the other part of that is, what am I telling myself about their intent versus something they just said I reacted to and was offended by?
00:12:16
Speaker 1: Yeah.
00:12:17
Speaker 2: And that's okay. The intent doesn't necessarily matter sometimes.
00:12:21
Speaker 1: Oh, yeah. No, it doesn't. No, I agree. I'm not lessening the blow. I'm saying we create an intent in our minds about the other person that might not be true. That's my point. Or that's not my point. That's their point. Number three, what do I need before I keep talking? And the point here is regulate yourself first because words last. Whatever you say, you may say something in the heat of the moment that you don't mean, but it's hard for the other person to forget. They remember it. They hear it. It stays with them. So what do I need before I keep talking? Maybe that's, I really want to keep this conversation going, but I need... I need a minute, I need 10 minutes, I need to breathe, whatever it is to make sure you don't say something you regret. So what do I need before I keep talking? That's huge. The next question.
00:13:16
Speaker 2: A drink, is that okay?
00:13:18
Speaker 1: Yes, I mean, I'm sure, yes. Whatever, it said regulation first. So for every person, it's different. How do you need to regulate yourself? Regulate yourself before you speak. That's huge. Number four, am I trying to be understood? Or am I trying to protect myself? And here's the difference. Protection comes off as defensiveness. Understanding sounds like honesty. So you have to ask yourself, am I actually trying to be understood or am I trying to protect myself?
00:13:55
Speaker 2: Man, these are true. You have to write these down, folks. These are tricky to keep up with.
00:13:59
Speaker 1: I'll say them all again, but I actually want to put them on a bulletin board. And number five, this is key. What would repair look like here? You ask yourself this. And the answer is not being right and not winning. That is what repair looks like.
00:14:16
Speaker 2: And what's the point of fighting if you're not trying to win?
00:14:20
Speaker 1: You're trying to understand.
00:14:21
Speaker 2: I was only kidding, but still.
00:14:23
Speaker 1: And you're trying to reconnect, I guess. That's the point. So I'm going to go over the five questions to ask yourself. What am I actually reacting to right now? What story am I telling myself about their intent? What do I need before I keep talking? Am I trying to be understood or am I trying to protect myself? What would repair look like here? That's hard to be able to do that in the moment, but they say practice makes perfect. Now, when we come back, this is one of my favorite parts of this site that I saw. It's the two truth theory. In every conflict, how about this? What if both people's perspectives are valid, even if they completely contradict each other? Welcome back, everyone, to part two of Fighting 101. And I have been fascinated by this site, Happy Couples Connect. And they had five things to ask yourself to prevent a conversation from turning into a full-blown fight. But they also have a suggestion about learning about operating through this two-truth theory. And I said it before the break, but basically... you can be on completely different sides of things, have feelings and reactions that contradict one another, where you're like, I don't understand you. How could you even think that? I mean, I think these are all really common themes and fights, right? Um, this is what they say. Their research has shown 67% of fights are unsolvable because you're not supposed to win them. You're actually supposed to manage them with respect. And start to understand the other person. But 67% of fights are unsolvable because you're not actually supposed to win them. You're not supposed to prove to the other person you were right or prove that the other person was wrong. You're actually just supposed to try and the fights are supposed to expose what you need to learn about each other.
00:16:36
Speaker 2: I thought that was always the case. As much as we joke about who won a fight, it's never supposed to be the point of a fight, is it?
00:16:44
Speaker 1: I mean, I think maybe sometimes if things and people have dangerous behaviors, maybe there are cases in which you would possibly need to have somebody understand something to the point where they realize they're wrong. Like there could be damaging or dangerous behavior. But you're right. I think most times if you're trying to win a fight, you're going to lose. Everyone's going to lose. And so they said when you can hold two truths to exist at the same time, and you stop fighting to be right to prove your truth is truer than their truth, then that's actually when the fight means something because you're actually trying to understand each other.
00:17:22
Speaker 2: Do they give an example?
00:17:23
Speaker 1: Yep. I have several examples. I'm so glad you asked. Okay. Here's truth one. Okay. This is one partner. You wanted to help. Your intention wasn't to make them feel criticized. The other truth, they feel judged and they feel like they can never do anything right. Those two truths can absolutely exist and coexist and both be right.
00:17:43
Speaker 2: Say that example again.
00:17:45
Speaker 1: So one person's truth.
00:17:46
Speaker 2: One person's truth is what?
00:17:48
Speaker 1: I wanted to help.
00:17:49
Speaker 2: I wanted to help.
00:17:49
Speaker 1: My intention wasn't to make you feel criticized. The other person's truth is they feel judged and they feel like they can never do anything right.
00:17:58
Speaker 2: Okay, give me another example.
00:17:59
Speaker 1: Okay. You try to fix your partner's problems because you don't want them to feel sad. This has happened to us. The other truth. They feel invalidated because they don't want solutions. They want empathy.
00:18:14
Speaker 2: These aren't. Okay, go ahead. You got another example? How many of these you got?
00:18:17
Speaker 1: I got two more examples.
00:18:18
Speaker 2: Okay, please.
00:18:19
Speaker 1: Truth one. You say you're trying to change negative behavior and you are really trying. Truth two. They still feel hopeless because they're not seeing any changes.
00:18:28
Speaker 2: I'm really trying. Okay, give me the last one.
00:18:32
Speaker 1: The last one. I love this one. You are not responsible for your partner's feelings. That is true. The other true, your actions do impact how they feel, and you should be mindful of that.
00:18:43
Speaker 2: Okay. Finally, we got to one that I can say is total bullshit. The last one. Say it again.
00:18:49
Speaker 1: Oh, see, I think this one was the one that landed the most for me. Say it again. One truth, you are not responsible for your partner's feelings.
00:18:55
Speaker 2: Okay. So that you're saying, that is one partner.
00:18:57
Speaker 1: That is absolutely true. Okay. There can also, at the same time, this other truth can exist. Your actions do impact how they feel, and you should be mindful of that.
00:19:05
Speaker 2: Okay. The truth there is that second one. That's just fact. So when I was listening in Robs, in every situation, this sounds like you're giving somebody away. You know what? It's maybe the best line of that movie, Couples of Truth, for a treat.
00:19:23
Speaker 1: Yeah.
00:19:23
Speaker 2: I know my truth. I know my truth. That was Vince Vaughn. I know my truth. No matter what they said, I know my truth. So that's a weird way to go about because you're almost, I don't know. That last one got me. Robes, there are realities in relationships. And I would advise anybody, if you're going back and forth on that truth, you should consider everything you do has an impact on your partner's feelings. It just does. If you want to take the other positions like you a grown-ass man i ain't responsible for how you feel you can but that's just not reality truth and truth fine they're also facts in life your truth your truth Go back to the third one for me again.
00:20:08
Speaker 1: One, two, three. Okay. You say you're trying to change your negative behavior and you really are trying. The other truth is they still feel hopeless because they're not seeing any changes.
00:20:19
Speaker 2: So here's the thing. Say it again. You really are trying. Read that first one again for me.
00:20:23
Speaker 1: You say you're trying. And again, these are not from me. These are from happy couple experts who say this is the key to saving their marriage. They said their marriage was saved.
00:20:30
Speaker 2: Okay.
00:20:32
Speaker 1: You say you're trying to change negative behavior. You're saying you tried. And you are really trying.
00:20:37
Speaker 2: And you are really trying. And this is where I stop. At some point, you just have to be better. Right? You can say you try and try and try and try and try. But what if you keep doing and doing and doing and doing and doing? Like, I'm listening. I just, it's a matter of respect. These aren't truths. Really? I see a clear side in all of these truths you're giving me.
00:21:01
Speaker 1: But the point is to not try and do that, to try and actually see the other as a truth to the other person. And that's how you come together. And it's not that you have to let go of your truth. Your truth still exists, but trying to understand the other truth to that person. And it might be just so opposite of what you think and how you operate. And their point is, this is a couple who says it saved their marriage by trying to validate both people's perspectives. Even if you think the other person is completely, like it completely contradicts what your truth is. You still, if you can hold space that that is their truth, Vince Vaughn, I know my truth. Even if you is not true for you, it's respecting that it's true for them. And I think that is the difficult part that creates so much of this conflict. I just thought it was interesting, a two-truth theory that you hold space that even though you don't, it's not a truth for you, that it's a truth for them. And there's a level of respect and that just gives an opportunity for connection. You don't have to agree to respect one another. And where they're coming from. And that people have wildly different perspectives and wildly different experiences. Okay.
00:22:19
Speaker 2: That doesn't go anywhere towards conflict resolution when you have to sometimes, Ro, sometimes. Let's use the Vince Vaughn example. If you haven't watched Couples Retreat, do it today. Sweetheart, he got nicked on the leg, right? And he said he got attacked by a shark.
00:22:34
Speaker 1: Yep.
00:22:34
Speaker 2: And he ruined the night with his friends. Because he got attacked by a shark, and he had a scratch that required a Band-Aid that you would get at the children's pediatrician, right?
00:22:43
Speaker 1: Yep.
00:22:44
Speaker 2: Okay, so I know my truth. I know my truth. There are times where reality trumps truth, and if I leave too much respect for you to be that, that.
00:22:56
Speaker 1: Look, I don't know, but if I applied the two-truth theory, what you would say is, okay, his truth is that he was attacked by a shark.
00:23:03
Speaker 2: Attacked by a shark.
00:23:04
Speaker 1: Your truth is he's being an absolute exaggerating crybaby who is being ridiculous.
00:23:12
Speaker 2: It's not my truth. This is fact. We are ruining a night because he has a scratch on his neck.
00:23:17
Speaker 1: But how about this? If the friends at that table said, OK, that's your truth. That's not how we see it. But if that's your truth, we respect that. And then he maybe he wouldn't have stormed off and said, I'm going home because they were laughing at him. They were making fun of him. The point being is to try and find a level of respect, even if you it's not your truth. OK, I guess that's the point. I would think in that case, but it was comedic and hilarious and we've used it often.
00:23:46
Speaker 2: I know my truth.
00:23:47
Speaker 1: In a funny way. I don't think we've used it in the heat of an argument.
00:23:51
Speaker 2: But now I have permission to do so. That shuts down every argument. There's nothing you can say to me. There's no argument you can make. There is no wrong you can tell me I do. Because, baby, I know my truth.
00:24:02
Speaker 1: Well, you're taking that in a negative way. The positive way is that you extend that to the other person. So I extend it to you and you extend it to me. You don't need to defend yourself because I'm accepting that that's your truth.
00:24:15
Speaker 2: Okay. So this ends all fights.
00:24:17
Speaker 1: It should. Right?
00:24:19
Speaker 2: At the beginning.
00:24:19
Speaker 1: Conceptually, yes. Because if I accept that's your truth and you accept that it's my truth, we don't have to be angry at each other.
00:24:26
Speaker 2: We don't at all.
00:24:26
Speaker 1: We don't. We can just say, wow, that is not how I think, but I respect where your head is and I will honor what you feel. And if that requires an apology, I'm sorry. And you can say, and I don't, your truth is foreign as hell to me, but I'm sorry for... saying things that upset you. And then there's just... And you don't have to... Like, that's the thing.
00:24:53
Speaker 2: That's awesome.
00:24:53
Speaker 1: You need to understand. You need to agree with me. You need to accept. No, you could just have... It's radical acceptance, I guess, is what this kind of is, the two-truth theory.
00:25:02
Speaker 2: That's going to be awesome. Yeah, try this. Fellas, try this. When she's yelling at the top of her lungs that you didn't clean the dishes for two straight days and left them in the sink, okay?
00:25:16
Speaker 1: Say.
00:25:18
Speaker 2: Uh, babe, I, my truth is that I really didn't understand you were serious when you said you wanted to make sure I did that. That's my truth.
00:25:25
Speaker 1: Oh, I don't think you're supposed to tell someone my truth contradicts with you. You just say, this is what's going on in your head. You accept their truth. You don't have to point out.
00:25:34
Speaker 2: But then how are they going to accept my truth?
00:25:37
Speaker 1: You just know that your truth is your truth. It's just about, the point is it's not about telling them why they're wrong. It's about validating their truth, even if you don't, if you have a different truth.
00:25:49
Speaker 2: Okay.
00:25:49
Speaker 1: I'm going to go over when you can hold both truths at the same time.
00:25:54
Speaker 2: Okay.
00:25:54
Speaker 1: You stop fighting to be right and you start working to understand. Yes. Yes. That's it.
00:26:01
Speaker 2: That makes sense.
00:26:01
Speaker 1: That's it. That makes sense. All right. So next up. We will have our third and final in our series of Fighting 101. And this is a question, and this might even not be about romantic relationships. It could be, but it could also be about friendships. That's certainly red for me. Do you have a resentful martyr in your life? We'll talk about that in our next episode.