Down (But Not Out) on Valentine’s Day with Golden Bachelor’s Cindy Cullers

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Speaker 1: Hey, I do Part two. Happy Valentine's Day. It's Golden Bachelor's Cindy Colors taken over. I'm here in gorgeous Carmel, California for the Pebble Beach Pro Am golf tournament. First of all, this is one of the most stunning places on the planet Earth. You have the gorgeous cliffs that lead to the ocean. The trees are just stunning. They go all the way to the coast, rocky shore. Some of the best golfing that you can find. And when you have good golf, guess what, You've got a great crowd. You have great athletes, you have people who golf may be socially and for their business. And so it's a really fun, exciting crowd. And of course being here for the pro am is such a treat. We were at the airport last night just kind of vibing with the crowd. Everyone's getting excited. Some had clubs, they have clubs, they're probably playing. I like to get to know them. It's a really fun place. So later today we'll be in downtown. We're going to go take a little shopping tour and then go to a fantastic dinner. So the vibe here has been absolutely fantastic. I'm not really a golfer, so I dated a golfer after I graduated college. He got me my own clubs. I'm left handed, so I'm really not even sure if I'm left golf or right golf. So I'm going to get back into it, but I have to start there. I have two son in laws who play, and I'm determined to kick their asses on the golf course. Determined, so I would like to find a man who's a golfer, so I better learn how to golf too. So today we are really excited because the listeners have all been sending in questions for me to answer. There's a lot of I haven't seen them yet. I bet some of them are juicy. Let's just get into it, see what we find. Okay, First of all, Jamie at forty eight, Her question is I'm going to be single on Valentine's Day. I don't want to sit at home and be upset. What should I do? Jamie? Valentine's Day is not reserved for just couples, So I will say, if you go out, you will feel self conscious that you were alone. But most everybody else is going to be into their partner, into their date, and you never know what you're going to find. So I find that when I go out alone, and I do that often, I always meet the nicest people next to me, and the wait staff will be very attentive to you. So go out and have some fun. Grab a friend, grab a guy who's a friend, or a girl who's a friend. It doesn't matter. Valentine's Day doesn't mean you have to stay home. Also, it could be a self care day for you. So if you want to just take that time for yourself, there's no reason not to stay at home. If you want to go out, go out. Valentine's Day doesn't restrict us just because we don't have a current partner. Love is love, That's what I say. Jamie. I hope that helps, and I hope you have a great day. Will you respond and let me know what you ended up doing. I just hope it's super fun for you. Life is too short, all right, Sherry sixty two, I can relate. I'll be sixty one in March. Cindy. I loved watching you on The Golden Bachelor. Wow, thank you, thank you so much, And how confident you Wereugh here's the question, what has dating been like since the show ended? Sheery, That's a great question. The show ended for me. We stopped filming in August, and I had to wait until I was off of this show to start dating again because if I started dating, then all of you guys would have known what the outcome was and that's just not fair to the show. So I did not begin dating until obviously I was off the show. And almost immediately I had some people roll up into my dms and sliding into my dms, you know, like everybody thought would happen, and a couple did. And I had some local people reach out who had seen me on the show and they had a friend that wanted to meet me. For those, I was kind of like, wh why didn't you share them with me before the show? But that's another question. But how has it been for me dating? So it's been a little odd. I've started dating maybe after the holidays, and I'm just I'm just trying to figure it out. So yeah, I'm just trying to figure it out. I do have a rule of thumb for how to test compatibility if you're not going to go on the Golden Bachelor. If you're not going to go on The Bachelor. Here's a way to do it in real life, and I learned this from a million dollar matchmaker. Step one, you have three dates. Step one is you meet them for twenty to forty minutes. Could be a coffee date, meet for drinks, but make it short. You're really just testing to see if there's chemistry between the two of you and if you're interested in one another, because I promise you after that, your Olympic system takes over. You don't remember anything. You're not going to remember where his kids live, you know what really he does for work, So all of those details go in one ear out the other. So twenty to forty minutes. If that goes well and you want to meet for a second date. The second date, my suggestion is to go on an activity date. So stand a paddle board, go to a farmer's market, if he was introduced by a friend, have him help you move your couch, make up something. But do an activity because you'll learn a lot about someone to see them in the wild, to see how they interact with other people, see if they're protective of you. I like a man who walks between the curb and me to protect me from traffic. I'd just like to see those protective behaviors from someone in the wild. And if that goes well, and make that short, make it an hour, if you can hour and a half. If that goes well, then your third date can be the traditional meat at dinner date and let's see where this goes. So that is my experience with dating, and I've kind of tried it. I couldn't do it on The Bachelor, obviously there was a different path for that for finding compatibility. But in the wild, those are the three steps that I've found. Hope that helps. All right, what do we have here? Oh? At fab fit Carla? This is my Carla. This is my Carla from the show. Do you think passion feels different or even better beyond fifty five? Carla? First of all, honeybunch, I love you. We just spent some fabulous time in Vegas together and I just can't wait to have more time with you. You are such a special soul and I love this question. Do I think passion feels different? I do think it feels different. Ladies and gentlemen, as you gain experience in your life, the texture of life changes. It just fills in. So imagine if you were in a coloring book and you were coloring with crayons, and then you change to a pencil, and then the pencil you can now shade. So as I get older and as I have more experience, the shades of passion, the shades of love get more diversified, and it's absolutely fantastic. So I think it gets better as you get older. You have to keep the flames lit. So I think that sometimes as you get older, the flame can completely go out and you have to be cautious of that. But if you can keep the flame lit, start shading in. So yeah, I do think it's better. I'll be I can't wait to call you and find out what you think. What's your answer to this? I love you, Carla? All right? Stephanie fifty three, I'm going through menopause. Welcome system. I am single. Help. Does it ever get better? The hot flashes and brain fog make me feel like I'm trapped in my body. I get to this is a normal phase. This is how the body shifts into a different stage of life in order to keep us alive. Our body can't run at the same magnitude as it did when it's younger, we would wear out sooner. So going through metapause means that we're all going to live longer, so that's the benefit of it. Get with a physician, have them help you over the humps, because the brain fog and the hot flashes can be helped. I'm not a prescriber, I'm not your provider. I don't know all your health issues. But find a physician to help you. Help you through this phase because once you get on the other side, it's fabulous. And remember, all of this is for a purpose so that we can live longer. So go through it and just get help. We've all been at. Now that I'm on the other side, it's just so much better. Might happen pretty quick. I went through hell for a shorter period of time and just because I had help, So I have found that getting through it sometimes. Hormone replacement therapy HRT is something to investigate. You could find a provider in your local area. Just google it, look for somebody who has high ratings and talk to a couple of providers before you take action. Make sure you're extremely honest about your health condition, because if they don't know what your body, you know how your body is set, then they can't help you. So be super honest and upfront with them about your physical capabilities and what you want on the other side. So I ended up doing hormone replacement and it has helped me significantly. I don't have mine dialed up real high. I have other friends who are, and they're libido is crazy. They're out missile seeking men. I think that causes some problems. So just be cautious and know yourself, know thyself, but have a provider close by. Jackie fifty three Golden Bachelor. Mel said after you exited from the show that you said keep in touch. Oh, this is a hot one. Set the record straight. Did you say that. If you did say that, what was the intention. Okay, I'm going to set the record straight. I did say let's keep in touch. It was an awkward moment. I'm walking off of the doc with a man that I thought in another two days I would be engaged with, and he is no longer my guy, and I'm having to say goodbye to him, and I didn't want to hurt his feelings and I said it, but it was in conjunction with another sentence. I said, let's keep in touch. I'd like to be a part of your book club. And it's important because one part of my relationship with Mel that wasn't really explored too much on the show was our intellectual match and the books that Mel was reading I was actually interested in, and I believe that the books that I read Mel would have been interested in. It would be completely inappropriate to have a social engagement with Mel, but a book club and sharing book ideas I felt would be a safe thing. I didn't think too much about the comment. Part of it was just like a casual, oh my gosh, what do I say now, just trying to get out of there and be polite. So that's where my heart was. That's what the intent was, and that was the full sentence, is keep in touch. By the way, for those people who get upset with me saying let's keep in touch, were you also upset when Nicole said call me when it doesn't work out. So I wonder why this was a flashpoint for some people out there, And it was a very innocent Let me, okay, let's go back to this. If I wanted to keep in touch with Mel, why would I have walked off? I wouldn't have I would have stayed, wouldn't I. So my intent is to we shared something very special. I was just trying to make a gracious exit, and that is what came out. I mean, what do you write in the yearbook keep in touch and there's nothing to it. I have not kept in touch. I wrote him a m on his birthday, just said happy birthday. Guess what. I say that to everybody else that I know and I care about, and I did. I cared about mel, I cared about all the women on the show. I care about a lot of people. So yeah, keep in touch or don't. I mean, at some point, what do you do? I just can't. I just can't anymore like trying to twist my intentions, I just can't. All right Lydia, forty eight. I got divorced last year, and one of the hardest parts has been that all my married couple friends don't really invite me out like they did when I was married. Where should I go or which should I do? If I want to make new friends? It's hard when you're older, Oh girl, Lydia. I live in a neighborhood where I would say ninety plus percent of my friends are married and I've been in this neighborhood for twenty five thirty years, and I face this too. I get it. It's no bad intent part of it. Some of the people will be afraid that you're poaching their relationship, so be cautious of that. Be cautious of flirting with anybody who is married. We should be cautious of that anyway. But I would let them know, like, hey, I miss seeing you. I notice that you and I get together, but when you're with your husband, you don't want to invite me. I totally get it. But I'm a really good third wheel. I'm even a better fifth wheel. So I found when we go out, I go out with two sets of couples and I'm solo the five of us, it's a better dynamic than when I'm just the third wheel. When I'm the third wheel, I become the topic of all the conversations. They just want to ask me. By the way married couples love hearing about our dating life. I will say that it becomes I'm the most popular girl at the table when we get together and we start talking about dating because it's fascinating to them. They just cannot relate to it, and they find it so interesting, so don't let it stop. You find single people who you can go out with and have fun with and do things with as a partner, but don't hesitate to reach out to those close friends that you have who are married and express kind of how you're feeling that you're feeling left out. I have a very good One of my favorite places in Austin to eat is Jay Carver. Oh my gosh, John Carver, I love you. Jesse is their bar manager and I met her years ago and she knows my situation. I moved to downtown Austin, I had three daughters, and I would show up at the bar with my daughters, table service at the bar, and I would show up at the bar with usually one of my daughters who was in town, and we would go to this great place and red ash. And then she moved to Jake Harver's, so she knew me as single. She knew that I struggled with being with somebody else, and so she made a drink for me at her new restaurant and it's called Extra Baggage. It's my favorite drink. I'm the only one who ever ever orders it. And so they took it off the menu, but they kept the bottles for me to make. And it's such an homage to me that they made this drink for me called extra Baggage because that's how I was feeling. So I get it. They opened a new restaurant and they named another drink after me. Guess what this one is? Called love and Lust. Because I'm manifesting something different. I'm no longer extra baggage. I am the highlight of the party when I go out with my friends. And so now yourself back up. Don't be the fifth wheel, the third wheel. Become enough that you don't need a second person to add to the group. We're not all couples. We're just a group of individuals getting together. So maybe shift your mind point to your mindset a little bit and be that person at the party, at the gathering, all right? Helen sixty, I've been divorced nine years and finally spending a lot of time dating now that my kids are adults and moved out. I've been dating a man for six months, but my kids have not really warmed up to him. I really enjoy being with him, but if my kids aren't fans, doesn't mean I need to break up. With him. Ooh, this is a complicated one, Helen. So first of all, you got to dive into why your kids don't like him. So my kids have gone through an evolution. And I hope it's okay that I talk about this kiddos, but I think it's really important. My kids, when I first divorced and when I first started dating, were exceptionally protective of me. Nobody was going to be good enough. They did not want to see mom hurt. They saw me go through the divorce where I was really hurt, curled up in a ball, hurt, and so they did not want to see mom go back to that. So they were overprotective. So what you might be seeing is, Helen, you might just be seeing that your kids are not warmed up to him because are being overprotective of you. So the option, since it sounds like you haven't been dating, is to continue to slow contact with them, have him around, have the kids get to know him, see how he treats you, and have them build confidence that he is a good support for you. But first and foremost, it starts with is he somebody that you want to see around? I think there's ways to kind of integrate that I had a stepdad who came into my life and I was not a fan of his. Really had nothing to do with him, had everything to do with my wanting to be protective of my mom. And fast forward to years later, he walks me down the aisle at my wedding. He becomes grandpa to my kids, and he is my everything. So that's what I'm looking for. I hope you find that too. Picking the right person is the start, and if he is the right person for you and your kids love you, they will soften to him. I will say that my kids had They had a similar reaction while they met Mel at hometowns. It wasn't that they didn't like him. They just didn't think he was aligned with me, and it would have been a challenge for me to integrate him into my life. But I also knew that there were a lot of things about Mel they did not know. Probably the same for your kids. They may not know everything about this man that you know, so just start shedding the light on it. Go slow, be patient with them too. Paul fifty nine, Ooh got a guy, Cindy. You were so elegant on the show. Thank you, Paul. I really like how you carried yourself. What have you learned about yourself this experience? Oooh, this is a good question, Paul. I learned that I was dating avoidant men who avoided relationships, and I would date men who were slightly more avoidant than me. And going through the show was the first time that I recognized that I too was avoiding letting someone get close to me. And during the show, I really let down that guard and I really had a chance to I didn't have my kids around. I usually put my kids or my job between me and a guy, and I didn't have that crutch so to be super open and walk into this, So I yeah, it was something that I learned about myself, and I was kind of surprised. I've done a lot of work, a lot of therapy, a lot of self reflection, a lot of journaling, a lot of talking to friends and family, and I did not realize I knew I dated avoidant men. I did not realize how avoidant I was. Truth Jade, forty seven. I was cheated on in my marriage. It's really taken a toll on my confidence and how I feel about myself. I'm starting to feel like I'm ready to date again. But I'm scared I'm going to get lied to again. What are the subtle red flags I shouldn't ignore when dating? Oh, Jade, I'm so sorry. The first thing I want you to know is this happened to you. This wasn't you typically cheating. As I have learned, it is less about the person like in your situation, that was cheated on and more about the cheater. And sorry for all of those who cheated, I hope. I don't know if this brings true. I'm sure I might get some hate for this, but I believe that cheating usually happens because of some insecurity and unfortunately it comes with a cost, and there are people left in the wake, and Jade, you were one of those, and I'm very sorry. So if you're afraid of being lied to and you're looking for red flags that you shouldn't ignore, I would ask the question what happened to your previous relationships? Were you cheated on? Did you cheat? And there's a saying once a cheater, always a cheater. Don't wholeheartedly agree with that, but it is something that has been around for decades, so it's something we can't ignore. If people have cheated before, there has to be some type of reckoning in their lives that they have come to Jesus and said, this is a big change. I'm not going to be the same person if they haven't had that. I would be cautious of people who have cheated or have a history of lying and deceit because you know that just those are character situations that don't necessarily go away. But first, I'm very sorry, and you need to you say in your question that it's taken a toll on your confidence. Dial that back up, girl. There's a reason that somebody else fell in love with you even if he cheated. Dial that back up. You are still that same woman. Go be better. And it doesn't mean that you won't be lied to and cheated on again, but just go be better. Thank you for all of your listener questions. Are you in the chapter two and need some advice? Call or email us. All the info in the show is in the show notes. Follow us on socials. Make sure you rate and review the podcasts super important so that we know you're listening. Let us hear from you. I Do Part two and iHeartRadio podcast where falling in love is the main objective