June 13, 2026
Can Casual Sex Ever Really Work??
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RSS Feed Would you go on a weekend getaway with someone you were just casually dating? Is casual dating and casual sex ever REALLY casual??
Our real-life singles, Mr. Right and Louise, have some differing opinions!
This episode will really show just how different men and women are in how they approach dating.
Email us at: IDOPOD@iheartradio.com or call us at 844-4-I Do Pod (844-443-6763)
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00:00:13
Speaker 1: All right, we're back I do part two. This is mister Wright and I'm joined once again by Luise. We had so much fun last time talking about all the questions and comments from listeners. I think we ran out a time, we had so many. So we want to continue this and get right back into it. And of course we have producer Heather who is our referee, keeping us on time and on topic.
00:00:36
Speaker 2: Yes, so let's dive into this is a good one. Mister right, We'll start with you. Should you talk about your previous marriage in early dates when meeting somebody new?
00:00:49
Speaker 3: You know, we're going to do away with the clock in this episode. I'm going to give you some.
00:00:53
Speaker 4: Over give me Louise under two minutes because you know.
00:00:56
Speaker 3: Okay, I promise, but go ahead take it away.
00:00:58
Speaker 2: What are your thoughts on talking about your previous marriage when first meeting someone new?
00:01:02
Speaker 3: Should you do it?
00:01:04
Speaker 1: Okay, it's the elephant in the room. I think you have to. I think you have to get it out of the way. I think you have to address it. I don't think you have to just dote on it. I don't think it has to be the main topic, on and on and on and on. You know, I personally, I want to know what happened. I mean, if somebody, especially if I think somebody's attractive and they're you know, they're energetic, and they're all the things that I'm looking for. The first question I'm going to have is what did the other person in their life not like about them? And so I think that that there has to be an addressing of what what happened in the previous relationship and you know why it ended the way it did. But I don't think that you have to sit there and commiserate about how bad the X was or commiserate about you know what, you know, how terrible the divorce was. I think you address it and you're able to move on and use it as a reference point, but you can't ignore it.
00:01:55
Speaker 2: Okay, Well that's good, Louise. Before we get to you, I want to ask mister Wright one follow up on that somebody says the reason why their marriage ended in divorce? What reason if you hear it is giving you pause as to if you should go on another date with this person.
00:02:13
Speaker 1: There could be a ton of reasons why, you know, a divorce ended, and things that would give me red flags. You know, if that person isn't being really specific if they're just saying, ah, you know, it just wasn't working out, Like I'm gonna be like, well, why why wasn't it working out? Because usually there's a pretty simple answer along the way, and you know, people can fall out of love.
00:02:32
Speaker 4: People can you.
00:02:33
Speaker 1: Know, have you know, these very very kind of neutral things, or they can be dramatic things.
00:02:38
Speaker 4: He cheated, she cheated.
00:02:40
Speaker 1: You know, there was money issues, there was alcohol issues, there was drug abuse issues, there was physical abuse issues. So I think that you know, obviously those big ones are massive red flags, but there's also a lot of ways that people just grow differently and and so I think that's a natural thing as well.
00:02:58
Speaker 2: Okay, Louise, tell me, when dating, should you bring up your previous marriage?
00:03:05
Speaker 3: Yes?
00:03:06
Speaker 1: Or no?
00:03:07
Speaker 3: Dating somebody new.
00:03:08
Speaker 5: I don't think it's a straight rule.
00:03:09
Speaker 6: I think topics just come up organically when you're on a date and if it feels right. I would definitely be weary on the first date of somebody just dumping stuff if organically it didn't happen. I just feel like everything is different in every connection and situation and commonality or whatever comes up. So it's just really situation by situation. But I think early on it's important to know why a significant relationship fell apart because it could be something that is like a red button issue for you, and I would rather know that earlier than getting more invested in the person and then kind of having that knowledge come to light afterwards.
00:03:51
Speaker 1: I want to add one thing to this, though, there's also something to be said when it's taking over the conversation. And I have met people and their divorce, whether it was recent or a long time ago, whatever it was, is still occupying every moment and every piece of their energy, and all they want to do is talk about their marriage and their divorce and how terrible the person wasn't gone, and on and on and on. And I just look at that and say, well, you're not over it yet. You are still involved in this relationship, whether you know it's worked out or not, it has still consumed you, and that person isn't ready to move forward. And so I think that's that's also a red flag, as if you cannot stop talking about your previous relationship.
00:04:31
Speaker 3: Well, let me ask you both this.
00:04:33
Speaker 2: You're on a first date with somebody and you find out in conversation that they're not divorced once, they're not divorced twice. They've actually been divorced three times. Oh, Louise is making a face. I want to know, if you hear somebody's been divorced two plus times on a first date, are you hearing them out or are you all of a sudden like, yeah, I'm checking out of this date.
00:05:01
Speaker 6: Now kind of neither. I think that first of all, it shows me they can be in a relationship, which I appreciate, and that they can make a commitment, which I appreciate. I think a lot of times it has to do with the reasons for divorce. I mean, somebody could get married the first time and they're not best friends and it just organically falls apart, and then number two hasband Number two you could love, and then he cheats on you. So I'm not going to make a judgment there either. I think it's just everything is unique, and as you get older, you give grace on different situations. I think for me, the most important thing to mister Wright's point is if somebody is just sitting on a date and they're going on and on and on about their ex husband or their ex you know whatever, boyfriend, or whatever. I don't have time for that because they're not over it, and I'm not going to get involved with somebody who stills looking in the rear view mirror.
00:05:49
Speaker 2: Mister Wright, what do you think if somebody's on a first date with you and they say that they've been divorced three times?
00:05:55
Speaker 1: I think I think at that point it's probably a commitment issue.
00:05:57
Speaker 4: And you know, relationships are hard. Don't get me wrong, they are hard.
00:06:01
Speaker 1: But if you've called it quits three times and there hasn't been some extenuating circumstances like a cheating or the things I talk about, the big ones, alcohol, drug abuse, physical abuse, you know, money issues.
00:06:15
Speaker 4: If it's just it.
00:06:16
Speaker 1: Didn't work out three times, then that person didn't take enough time learning going in and didn't give enough commitment staying in.
00:06:23
Speaker 3: So your red flags are going up.
00:06:24
Speaker 2: If somebody says to you on a first date, I've been divorced three times.
00:06:27
Speaker 5: Well, it depends on the circumstances, it.
00:06:30
Speaker 1: Does, but I think generally, if somewhere to say I've been divorced three times, I'm definitely curious about those reasons.
00:06:39
Speaker 4: You know that.
00:06:41
Speaker 1: Three times, you know, for me once, for me twice, so I think that three times would be would be a hard.
00:06:48
Speaker 4: Thing to get over.
00:06:49
Speaker 6: I do think they say that if you've been divorced once and you get married a second time, it's easier to get divorced a second time because you've seen that you can survive it.
00:07:00
Speaker 5: So for me, you almost take it that much more.
00:07:02
Speaker 2: So if you're not even easier, it's it's more likely second. Statistically, statistically more marriage second marriages end in divorce because yes, it's not necessarily that it's easier, but you've already gone through it before, so you know what to expect, and that's why second marriages often and in divorce.
00:07:20
Speaker 5: Yes, right, yeah, proceed with caution.
00:07:23
Speaker 6: If you're willing to make that commitment again, you have to really feel that it's going to be solid.
00:07:28
Speaker 2: To me, not that anybody's asking, but it sounds like quite a bit of paperwork and stress to go through a divorce. To have gone through it three times, you know, and still back out there dating again, would definitely I think give pause because it would also if I were on the receiving end of that, it would make me wonder why are they so gung ho to date? It sounds like they're needing some sort of support if they've been through this three times already, which we all know on this zoom that divorce is not cheap. It would be to me, what's the motive, what's the reasoning for getting back out there again? Because you could date with no expectation of marriage, but it seems like marriage is the expectation for somebody that's been divorced three times.
00:08:22
Speaker 6: Right, But first of all, there's ways to get married a second time. Right. You don't have to share money, and you're probably not going to share kids if you're older. Or there's many people in my life where she wears a ring and they live together but they're not legally married. And then there's just a lot of you know, there's different ways to do a long term committed relationship, especially as you get older. Heather, we got to get you feeling more positive about relationships. So we're gonna have a sidebar on this because I'm like hearing you say now this version of it, like we're going to do some work here.
00:08:55
Speaker 2: Okay, So Louise, let's take this one to you. When you're dating someone's curiously, how many mistakes do they get? How long till you are fully out. And let's say mistakes are things like not texting back for a few days, or prioritizing other things over the relationship, whether that's buddy buddy time, not kids, not work, but like things that are a choice, whether that's going golfing versus hanging out with you, or maybe forgetting important things, whether that's dates or something that you ask them to attend. So how many mistakes do you let somebody have before you're out when you're dating somebody new.
00:09:37
Speaker 6: Look, I don't look at a lot of small things as mistakes, right, Like, I think we have to be flexible.
00:09:44
Speaker 5: We all have a lot going on.
00:09:45
Speaker 6: But I think there's a degree of respect and accountability and clarity and transparency in a relationship. So for me, you know, if somebody is forgetting to show up somewhere, he's just not that into me, right or it's just not that important. If he is, you know, not you know, dotting his eyes and crossing his t's on certain things, then it depends on what it is.
00:10:06
Speaker 5: Right. So it's just again, as.
00:10:09
Speaker 6: You get older, it's there's not it's not like the rules like back in the in the day, there were there were rules.
00:10:14
Speaker 5: I think It's just it's.
00:10:15
Speaker 6: Just different and everybody has different triggering kind of points that upset them versus don't upset them.
00:10:22
Speaker 5: So for me, it just depends on the situation.
00:10:24
Speaker 6: Now, I have some big red you know, big issues that are like there's no looking back. It's the big ones cheating on me, period, awful, you know, being disrespectful to my family and friends and children.
00:10:37
Speaker 5: That to me just shows you.
00:10:39
Speaker 6: I don't like when people are rude to to waitresses and leaders and help staff. That shows me who they are. Different things like that I pay close attention to.
00:10:49
Speaker 2: Okay, same question for you, mister right what kind of mistakes do you maybe see or would you allow? And which mistakes would you say too many? Miss Now I've got to go this is this is not for me.
00:11:03
Speaker 4: Well, first of.
00:11:03
Speaker 1: All, if you have been you know, intentional and communicating and you kind of know what the expectations and boundaries are, then I think there's very little room for for for mistakes in my personal opinion, if you know, things like communication super important, super easy to do too, responding to text super easy. Ghosting somebody even for a couple of days is.
00:11:24
Speaker 4: I think in my world.
00:11:25
Speaker 1: So it's like it's it's not that it's inexcusable, but it just shows that that person just doesn't really care that much, you know, repeatedly canceling on things or not showing up, you know, I think is basically, I don't know, it's just a show a sign that to use Louise's line, she's just not dead into you. And so I mean, if someone's doing the big issues of course, cheating or you know, lying or whatever else, that that's that's not gonna that's not gonna fly. But I think that if that person is showing continued disrespect of the boundaries that you've created again back to communication, showing up when you're supposed to, all those kind of little things, if there is a pattern that you're going outside of that, then I think you're I think basically the diet is cast and you know where you stand.
00:12:09
Speaker 2: Okay, mister Wright, we'll start with you. Who do you turn to for relationship advice?
00:12:17
Speaker 1: So this is an interesting one. I mean, usually I would say it's the guys. I looked as much to my girlfriends, to my sisters, to my nieces as I do to my guys now, And I don't know, maybe it's just you know, an age thing or a more maturity thing. But I'm you know, I commiserate with my guys, I guess, but I'm probably looking for more advice from the women in my life. And I'm lucky to have super strong women that aren't afraid to tell me, you know, maybe sometimes what I don't want to hear, but they give me good advice. And I think it's a lot more effective to get advice from the opposite sex when talking about relationships than it is going and talking to, you know, my buddies that just want to, you know, make you feel the good.
00:13:01
Speaker 3: Louise, you agree, tell me about that.
00:13:03
Speaker 5: I agree.
00:13:03
Speaker 6: And this is why I think this episode is actually really interesting because I would listen to podcasts like this, and I do hearing the male's perspective, it's really important in terms of helping our side to navigate and to understand and to kind of read the coding and the messages.
00:13:21
Speaker 5: So I have a guy best friend.
00:13:23
Speaker 6: There has been zero romantic sexual interest for us since the nineties, and literally we FaceTime in the morning and we just kind of hammer it all out.
00:13:34
Speaker 5: And I agree with mister Wright.
00:13:36
Speaker 6: I think opposite sex advice is so valuable.
00:13:40
Speaker 3: Okay, I like this that we're agreeing on a topic.
00:13:44
Speaker 4: It's surprising, a little surprising.
00:13:46
Speaker 5: I think we've agreed on a lot.
00:13:58
Speaker 2: So Louise, let's start with this one for you. Is casual dating actually casual? And what about casual sex? Can it ever be casual? Let's not just say just for you, just in general? What do you think for men and women?
00:14:13
Speaker 6: I think it has to For me, it depends on the age. I mean, I'm not a casual dater. I want to I'm intentional about finding a partner, So something that's casual feels like it's kind of lukewarm, neither here nor there. So for me, that's definitely not a person that I'm probably sleeping with And I'm just going to put that to rest because I don't feel a romantic connection and keep looking.
00:14:35
Speaker 2: But in general, knowing other women, knowing other single men, do you think that casual dating is real and attainable? Do you think casual sex is real and attainable?
00:14:48
Speaker 3: Sure you do? Okay, great, mister Wright, same question for you.
00:14:52
Speaker 2: Tell me what you think about when it comes to casual dating or casual sex.
00:14:58
Speaker 1: So I think that in this kind of chapter two so you know, post divorce. As long as both people know exactly what it is they're getting themselves into, I think casual dating or casual sex is totally can be totally agreeable. The only time that it doesn't work is when one person doesn't realize that it's casual. When one person doesn't realize that actually, this doesn't mean anything or isn't going anywhere.
00:15:21
Speaker 5: Or catches feelings.
00:15:23
Speaker 1: Yes, or catches feelings along the way and doesn't explain that because you know, it might be that you know, you have a you know, a vacation coming up, and you know this person and you you know, you have sort of feelings for each other, but it's not serious, and so you go on a trip together, but maybe you're not calling on the Tuesday when you get back, and if one person's expecting that call, wondering why they'ren't you know, why this the next date isn't you know, isn't scheduled, that's when casual dating or casual sex can get really really complicated and destroy what could be a nice friendship or relationship. But I think as long as both people know what they're getting themselves into and are kind of aware of what the parameters are. Then I think, you know, I think that's totally fine, and I think it's it is casual. It is you know, it's because two people are kind of looking for the same thing. They're looking for someone to spend time with. I'mone to have fun with, but maybe not build their life with.
00:16:17
Speaker 2: Yeah, let's you said something interesting there in the sense of you made a comment about going on a trip. Let's define what we each think is of casual. Because when I think casual dating, I'm not thinking going on a trip.
00:16:32
Speaker 3: To me, going on a trip is serious.
00:16:35
Speaker 2: I'm not spending money and I'm not going a distance with somebody for something casual.
00:16:41
Speaker 3: If it's casual, that.
00:16:42
Speaker 2: Means I'm also probably not going to fancy dinners with that person. Right, the investment is low, the level of energy is low. If it's casual, what I would interpret is casual as a single woman would be drinks. And if it is leading to casual intimacy, we have to keep verbalizing out loud that this is casual. There can't be any telepathic communication going on. It needs to actually keep being said that this is fun, this is a hangout. And if I'm in chapter two, it means I'm not meeting your kids. It means you're not meeting my kids. There's no chance of that kind of happening. I'm not meeting your ex, I'm not talking to your ex. I'm probably not meeting your coworkers or your friends. You're not meeting my friends. Those to me, are levels of intimacy. When you start to bring somebody into your inner circle, that makes it not casual.
00:17:43
Speaker 3: Do you guys agree? Disagree? What do you think about that?
00:17:46
Speaker 6: When you're introducing this person in a meaningful way to important people in your life, like your kids, then it's not casual. A guy going out with you because your friends are all out one night and you're just hanging out with a guy, going to bring him into a fun night out that can be more casual. You need to have full transparency, and I think somewhere along the way, typically somebody catches more feelings than the other person, and that's when it gets diicy to go on a trip. For me with a guy, it means that we're sleeping together and you're waking up with that person and you're it's different. There's a different level of intimacy. So for me, that's not casual, and I would be pretty bummed if I went on a trip with somebody and he didn't call me the next day.
00:18:34
Speaker 2: I agree, and it's even. It would also be like, say he's going on a work trip and he has a hotel room being paid for by the company, and he says, come along, you can hang out, But that's still a trip, even if his company is paying for it and he's inviting you. That's you going distance, that's you putting time. I think that there's a difference between boyfriend treatment and.
00:19:00
Speaker 3: Ual dating.
00:19:01
Speaker 2: I do not do certain things with a man if he is not my boyfriend.
00:19:06
Speaker 6: Are you saying you or are you saying in general me, Well, you're a different You're in a different You're almost a different I mean, for me at least a different generation, right sure.
00:19:17
Speaker 2: But I'm also I'm not in my twenties, and I'm if I'm dating somebody at this age, there's a very high probability that he's in his chapter two at the age range that I'm dating. So I'm just saying, like in general, when we're talking casual, that's how I would define casual as like, casual means low effort, low level of money, being paid, low level of interaction of different parts of my life.
00:19:50
Speaker 3: That would be what casual is what I define it as.
00:19:53
Speaker 6: I think people want different things at different chapters. I have friends that are, you know, brand new divorced, and they want thirty one flour right, and they're just going to go out and you know, different night, you know, meet a different guy.
00:20:05
Speaker 5: Doesn't mean they're.
00:20:06
Speaker 6: Necessarily going to sleep with them, but then they get tired of it. But I just think it depends that the you know, kind of where you are and at what point, like did you just break up with somebody, do you just want to you know, have you been dating?
00:20:19
Speaker 5: Are you tired?
00:20:20
Speaker 6: Did you take a hiatus and now you're really there intentionally looking for your partner. It's not a one size fits all rule that applies, in my opinion, but transparency is the most important thing.
00:20:32
Speaker 5: Like and you could tell if the guy likes you or doesn't like you. I mean, you can read.
00:20:38
Speaker 4: A room well.
00:20:39
Speaker 1: I think you guys should include trips like weekend trips whatever in part of that casual because that that I mean, I think that's that's a big part of casual dating or casual relationships. I think is more than just drinks it, you know, and you know, not meeting face. I think trips are part of it.
00:20:57
Speaker 4: I think, I think then.
00:20:58
Speaker 1: And you know, if you're going somewhere where you're both want to have fun, you you're both single, you both want to go and go to a beach vacation or go to a skiing vacation, whatever else, you can keep that casual as well, in my opinion, And again, as long as both people understand what the rules are and one you know, they don't, no one's surprised or hurt or get feelings stomped on because it isn't actually progressing anywhere else. I think I think trips could be included in that casual dating.
00:21:27
Speaker 6: Okay, interesting, I actually think that that's more of a guy perspective than in my opinion. But maybe you've met different people, mister Wright, who are willing to pack and go and have a great trip and you know, have a wild time and are okay not getting a phone call the next day, I would feel pretty shy about it. Is it?
00:21:48
Speaker 3: Also?
00:21:48
Speaker 2: I mean from a man's perspective, is that a way of showing interest and showing a love language, you know, like gift giving is a love language, right, would some man if his love language is giving gifts saying I planned a weekend trip, would you like to come as a way of expressing his love language?
00:22:10
Speaker 3: Do you think?
00:22:11
Speaker 4: I mean?
00:22:11
Speaker 1: It can be, but it could also just be. Hey, listen, we're both single, we both like the beach, we both would you like to go to a spa weekend?
00:22:19
Speaker 4: Could you know? Whatever it is?
00:22:20
Speaker 1: And you both want a partner to do that with, maybe not looking to get married or spend the rest of your life with them, but you want to have an adventure, You want to have an experience, and you want to do it with somebody that you're attracted to to some degree. And I think that you know, trips are a great way to express that, and also you know, heck, it's a great way to fast track whether or not maybe you do want to take it to the next level.
00:22:42
Speaker 6: Well, it can change from casual to serious and a trip can help do that, for sure.
00:22:47
Speaker 3: It can. But that's only if that's what the intention is, right, But you.
00:22:52
Speaker 6: Don't have to spell out the intention, right, Like if you're willing to go on a trip with somebody because you have you're interested in.
00:22:59
Speaker 2: A But mister Wright is saying just to view it as casual and just like away, and you're saying, I only go on trips unless I'm getting serious. I mean, you'd have to you'd have to verbalize. That's where we're talking about the crossing of men and women. Is He's literally saying it's a casual thing. It's just you two being single, and you're saying, I'm only going on a trip with you if we're committed and or if we're leaning towards committed.
00:23:28
Speaker 6: I didn't say committed, I said but that they're I mean, for me, going on a trip with somebody is not as casual as for example, even of sleepover right and waking up and you know.
00:23:40
Speaker 1: No, I'm not trying to compare it, but I'm saying you can have these casual adventures. And in chapter two, like you know, if I you know, if I want to go and have an adventure with something, I want to go against skiing, go to the beach, or you know, go to Vegas or go to a concert, or have some adventure and do it with somebody I'm not necessarily commit to. I would you know, I would want to, you know, I would feel totally easy asking somebody that I'm casually dating or whatever else to do that with me, and hopefully they would also see it as not just like we're we're building a relationship together, but we're going and doing something fun and having an adventure. Now if a byproduct of that is that you get closer, that's all the better.
00:24:23
Speaker 2: I would fully misconstrue that if a guy asked me to go on a trip, I would most likely And it also depends, I guess on how long I've been seeing him. If I've gone on two dates with him and he says, let's go do a weekend in you know, a beach get away, then I'd be like, okay, maybe like we're he just wants to have fun or something.
00:24:45
Speaker 3: But if I've been seeing him for a month and he wants.
00:24:48
Speaker 2: To go do a beach get away, it's what the trip is to Like, if we're saying let's let's do let's do a get away to my sister's wedding, Okay, that's something different.
00:24:57
Speaker 1: But if you're saying let's go, let's go and you see a concert in Vegas for the night, I think everybody kind of has as a good idea of what that what that is, at least that's my opinion.
00:25:08
Speaker 6: Okay, have you had success, mister Wright, ever doing that in the time that you've been divorced.
00:25:13
Speaker 4: No, I mean I haven't.
00:25:15
Speaker 1: I haven't casually dated really, you know, I've I've dated, but dated with intention.
00:25:19
Speaker 4: So I but I.
00:25:22
Speaker 1: Do know, like a lot of my friends that you know, they have they have busy schedules, and they have certain weekends off and they don't have a significant person, they'll take They'll find a date to go and say, listen, and I want to go to you know, just to Mexico for for a long weekend. Come, you know, come with me. I want to go and go skiing for you know, for a weekend. Do you want to come with me? And I think everybody kind of knows the you know, they're they're going and doing something together. They're having they're having an adventure, they're having experience. They're doing it with somebody they're obviously somewhat attracted to, or even really attracted to, but maybe they're not just you know, five steps down the aisle towards marriage. But they're just again having a fun weekend, which you're allowed to do. I think I think that's as long as both people are bought in.
00:26:07
Speaker 6: Absolutely, but you would if you're gonna go do that, then you've dated a little bit and you're having fun. And the hope is is that it will morph into something more serious. Like I don't know many of my friends or girls that would just be like, yeah, this is casual. I'm just gonna go on a trip and we're going to do this and doesn't matter if I hear from him after and I don't know.
00:26:29
Speaker 5: I mean, Heather, what do you think.
00:26:32
Speaker 2: My whole thing is? If it's casual, it's a low dollar amount, it's a low time commitment. It's all the investment of it is because time is money.
00:26:41
Speaker 5: Well, low dollar amount meaning you're paying your way to get there.
00:26:44
Speaker 2: Right, I'm going on a trip. We're going to a concert in Vegas. That means I'm probably getting my hair done, my nail's done, I'm buying a new outfit. I'm maybe taking a Friday off of work, which means I'm not getting paid. I'm looking for somebody to watch my dog, you know what I mean. It's like that's money investing. Even if he's buying the plane ticket and he's you know, paying for the room. I'm still investing in it in myself in a way that I maybe I'm also getting him a gift as a thank you, or I'm buying you know, our first dinner when we get there, because I'm not just gonna allow somebody to take me on a trip and not you know, put in for it in some capacity. So to me, that's a bigger commitment investment in time and money on my end for something that I I really could be up or down if this guy ends up, you know, calling me back or not after this trip, you know what I mean, I'd have to I'm not a betting person.
00:27:41
Speaker 3: If we're talking about Vegas.
00:27:42
Speaker 2: I need to be a little bit more of a sure thing in order to not get my hopes up. Because that's also what's happening. If somebody's taking me somewhere on a trip. I'm probably telling my girlfriends, Oh, he wants to do a little weekend getaway.
00:27:57
Speaker 3: It's a good sign.
00:27:59
Speaker 2: I think we start without casual, but you know what, I think he wants to spend more time with me, you know what I mean. And it's like if time is also precious in chapter two, right, time limited time away from kids and things like that, I want to spend it with somebody intentionally, I don't want to spend it with somebody that I'm like, I'm kind of iffy on Gorm exactly. That's what I'm reading. Unless it keeps getting verbalized, Hey, this is casual.
00:28:28
Speaker 3: I have an extra ticket to Vegas. Would you like to go? It's casual.
00:28:32
Speaker 2: It just has to keep being verbalized over and over again for it to actually be casual, because if it's not, my brain is doing all sorts of connecting dots and things and what's he saying with this? What's he not saying when he does this kind of thing? But I I I love to hear the man's perspective that you're like, it's just a trip. It's just like it's it's just it's it's just a weekend. I'm looking for somebody to have fun.
00:28:55
Speaker 6: With as you to go to Vegas to hear, you know, the Eagles coming, Just know that it's casual.
00:29:01
Speaker 3: Heather, exactly exactly.
00:29:04
Speaker 5: But I would go.
00:29:04
Speaker 6: I mean, Eagles was pretty incredible there at the Sphere, So I would say yes if I were you.
00:29:09
Speaker 2: I mean, this is all really really good intel though, mister Wright, is it ever good to date someone who's separated and not divorced yet.
00:29:18
Speaker 1: If someone just separated, there's always a chance that they're coming back and they're just testing the waters and they're just trying to feel out what life is like outside of the relationship. So I think I would be cautious, extremely cautious if.
00:29:32
Speaker 4: They're just saying, oh, we're separated.
00:29:35
Speaker 1: Oftentimes, both parties have different of the marriage, have different perspectives on what separated means. I mean, I hate to use the friends term, but you know, it was just a break. And I think that if the guy or the girl has a different understanding or a different interpretation of what separated means, we're just taking a break, we're gonna get together, we're working on things, We're going to get back together, or no, no, no, we're just waiting for the divorce to get finalized.
00:30:06
Speaker 4: I think you have to be super cautious.
00:30:18
Speaker 3: All right, Louise, tell us your perspective.
00:30:21
Speaker 6: So I was recently on a date a couple of weeks ago with a guy, and he is never going to get divorced because she's sick and does not want her to lose her medical you know, kind of benefits and I actually really appreciated it because normally, when I meet somebody and they're separated and not divorced, it does give me pause. Like mister Wright is saying, this was the one time where it actually showed me what his character was. And he wasn't for me, but it actually showed me what his character was. And the example he was obviously showing his son. But for the most part, I agree. But I also have friends they've been separated for you know, five, ten, fifteen years because quite fank, they don't want to separate the estate. It's just easier for the estate to stay together, and therefore they're clearly not married and they have long term relationships, but on paper they're still married and they're still filing joint tax returns. If somebody's newly separated, definitely proceed with caution.
00:31:24
Speaker 2: Good good intel. One more question for you guys. Louise will start with you. What do you think a man is looking for in his fifties versus his thirties? What do you think a woman is looking for in her fifties versus her thirties.
00:31:39
Speaker 3: Let's see if our answer is align.
00:31:42
Speaker 6: Are you asking specifically to a guy who's thirty didning a fifty year old woman, or just in general, what a thirty year old wants compared to what a fifty year old wants in general?
00:31:53
Speaker 2: What do you think a man in his fifties wants now that maybe he didn't want in his thirties.
00:32:00
Speaker 6: I think he wants a partner who he is best friends with. I think he wants somebody that he is really connected to physically, sexually, emotionally. I think he wants somebody that is aligned with him encore values. I think the stakes are higher. I think a thirty year old is looking for fun, doesn't necessarily know what is going to yet happen in life, where potentially you might need a little bit more in terms of stepping up to the plate. I think you haven't seen as much life at thirty as you've seen at fifty, so you might not be aware of what you.
00:32:43
Speaker 5: Would really need.
00:32:45
Speaker 3: And what do you think a woman wants in her fifties versus what she wants in her thirties.
00:32:49
Speaker 6: I think a woman in her thirties wants somebody who could be an incredible partner, Somebody who could raise children, who can be a great parent provider, Somebody who is a good person that you want to spend time with and hang out with.
00:33:06
Speaker 5: I think in.
00:33:08
Speaker 6: Your fifties the woman wants basically the same thing, but maybe a different version or iteration of it. But really a true partner in every sense of the word.
00:33:18
Speaker 2: Partner meaning contributes financially, does the invisible work at home.
00:33:24
Speaker 3: Like, what do you mean when you talk about partner?
00:33:27
Speaker 6: I mean I can speak for myself, right. I want somebody who I'm attracted to. I want to sleep next to. I want to cuddle with, I want to have sex with, I want to laugh with. I want to bring places in my life. You know, I don't need somebody to support me. I need somebody who can pay his own way. I'm not going to support somebody, but I can pay my own bills. Somebody who you know is a good human being, or God forbid the other shoe drops that I can count on him to be there supporting me and behind and somebody who I enjoy and want to laugh with and make coffee for, or just I'm looking for kind of what I didn't have in my marriage. I'm looking for a person that can know me intimately and be my home.
00:34:10
Speaker 2: For this next chapter, Okay, So financial stability, though in the fifties is probably more.
00:34:15
Speaker 6: I think it depends howether. I think it depends on so many factors. It's you know, I have friends that you know, completely rely on their partner to pay their bills. So if it's the if they're going to get rid of their monthly check from their ex husband, then they need to make sure that they're pivoting into somebody else who's going to, you know, basically support them. I have friends who earn their own money and that's not as important. I have friends who you know, got a lump sum of money, and it's not It just depends.
00:34:44
Speaker 5: It's not the same for anybody.
00:34:47
Speaker 3: But we still don't want to.
00:34:48
Speaker 2: What I mean is in our thirties, we could maybe not be caring about somebody's financial wellbeing, whether they have money, whether they can pay their bills or not.
00:34:59
Speaker 3: But when or in our fifties, you can't be broke.
00:35:02
Speaker 6: You can't be broken in your thirties, right, Like, if you're thinking about raising kids and building a life with somebody, somebody has to be able to generate an income, if not both people, right, sure, can't just you know, have two people just floundering and hoping for the best, and then bring children into the world right they need.
00:35:18
Speaker 2: Medical children is important to you at thirty. The cost of living could be lower in your thirties and you could maybe squeak by on, you know, one person picking up more of the slack. But in your fifties and maybe you are in chapter two and you do have kids. I'm just saying that the financial thing is maybe more of something that you look at at that age range than maybe you looked at when you were in your thirties.
00:35:46
Speaker 6: I think it depends on who you are. It's situation by situation. I have friends who will only date rich guys.
00:35:52
Speaker 2: But did they only date rich guys when they were in their thirties?
00:35:56
Speaker 5: Probably?
00:35:57
Speaker 2: Okay, all right, mister Wright, tell me about what you think men are looking for in their fifties versus when they were in their thirties, and the same thing for women.
00:36:06
Speaker 4: So I'm going to answer a little bit differently.
00:36:07
Speaker 1: So I think that both men and women in their thirties have a different worldview. They're looking at building their life, they're looking at adventure, they're looking at growing something, and they're looking for a partner to do that. With and you know, eating you know, rawmen out of a you know, off the stovetop. Is it sort of kind of a romantic thing still as you're bootstrapping your life together and building it together. Now, let's talk about in their fifties. And I think that women in their fifties, This is just my opinion. I think women in their fifties are looking much more for stability. I think they're looking for safety, security. They're still obviously adventure and all those sorts of things, but I think if you were to look at a pie chart, it would be heavier weighted towards a sense of security and stability. And I think guys in their fifties they're they're looking for that sense of stability, but they're also looking for probably, you know, to satisfy whatever it was they didn't find in their marriage.
00:37:06
Speaker 4: And I think that you know.
00:37:09
Speaker 1: That guys are probably less looking at in their fifties for a long term, committed marriage relationship than women in their fifties, and so I think there's a little bit of a disparate kind of outlook for that period. And I think that it merges again maybe as you get a little bit older.
00:37:28
Speaker 4: But I think that you know.
00:37:30
Speaker 1: In that fifties range, I do think that there is a different outlook that is more dramatic than in their thirties. I think thirties you're probably looking for sort of the same things, and that's why you see so many people get married when they're the thirties. In their late twenties and thirties, you're getting married, you're having kids, you're building a life together. Then you get into your fifties, and this is usually around the time when chapter two is are really prevalent. It's because they're looking for two different things. And I think women again are looking for a sense of stability and security, and I think guys are looking to to satisfy whatever it was they didn't get and they didn't see and they didn't achieve in their thirties and forties.
00:38:06
Speaker 4: Well, this is so fun.
00:38:07
Speaker 1: Thanks Heather for keeping us on topic and on time. Luis, You're amazing. Thank you for your perspectives, and obviously to all of the listeners that gave us riveting questions compelling comments that kept this podcast going right until the final moments.
00:38:23
Speaker 4: Thank you so much for listening. Louise over to.
00:38:25
Speaker 6: You to our listeners. If you are in chapter two. Whether you are enjoying it or not, you need help navigating it.
00:38:33
Speaker 5: You need different perspectives.
00:38:35
Speaker 6: Here we are at ID Part two in iHeartRadio podcast, where falling in love is the main objective. Send us an email, leave us a voicemail. All of the infos and the show notes. Follow us on socials.
Speaker 1: All right, we're back I do part two. This is mister Wright and I'm joined once again by Luise. We had so much fun last time talking about all the questions and comments from listeners. I think we ran out a time, we had so many. So we want to continue this and get right back into it. And of course we have producer Heather who is our referee, keeping us on time and on topic.
00:00:36
Speaker 2: Yes, so let's dive into this is a good one. Mister right, We'll start with you. Should you talk about your previous marriage in early dates when meeting somebody new?
00:00:49
Speaker 3: You know, we're going to do away with the clock in this episode. I'm going to give you some.
00:00:53
Speaker 4: Over give me Louise under two minutes because you know.
00:00:56
Speaker 3: Okay, I promise, but go ahead take it away.
00:00:58
Speaker 2: What are your thoughts on talking about your previous marriage when first meeting someone new?
00:01:02
Speaker 3: Should you do it?
00:01:04
Speaker 1: Okay, it's the elephant in the room. I think you have to. I think you have to get it out of the way. I think you have to address it. I don't think you have to just dote on it. I don't think it has to be the main topic, on and on and on and on. You know, I personally, I want to know what happened. I mean, if somebody, especially if I think somebody's attractive and they're you know, they're energetic, and they're all the things that I'm looking for. The first question I'm going to have is what did the other person in their life not like about them? And so I think that that there has to be an addressing of what what happened in the previous relationship and you know why it ended the way it did. But I don't think that you have to sit there and commiserate about how bad the X was or commiserate about you know what, you know, how terrible the divorce was. I think you address it and you're able to move on and use it as a reference point, but you can't ignore it.
00:01:55
Speaker 2: Okay, Well that's good, Louise. Before we get to you, I want to ask mister Wright one follow up on that somebody says the reason why their marriage ended in divorce? What reason if you hear it is giving you pause as to if you should go on another date with this person.
00:02:13
Speaker 1: There could be a ton of reasons why, you know, a divorce ended, and things that would give me red flags. You know, if that person isn't being really specific if they're just saying, ah, you know, it just wasn't working out, Like I'm gonna be like, well, why why wasn't it working out? Because usually there's a pretty simple answer along the way, and you know, people can fall out of love.
00:02:32
Speaker 4: People can you.
00:02:33
Speaker 1: Know, have you know, these very very kind of neutral things, or they can be dramatic things.
00:02:38
Speaker 4: He cheated, she cheated.
00:02:40
Speaker 1: You know, there was money issues, there was alcohol issues, there was drug abuse issues, there was physical abuse issues. So I think that you know, obviously those big ones are massive red flags, but there's also a lot of ways that people just grow differently and and so I think that's a natural thing as well.
00:02:58
Speaker 2: Okay, Louise, tell me, when dating, should you bring up your previous marriage?
00:03:05
Speaker 3: Yes?
00:03:06
Speaker 1: Or no?
00:03:07
Speaker 3: Dating somebody new.
00:03:08
Speaker 5: I don't think it's a straight rule.
00:03:09
Speaker 6: I think topics just come up organically when you're on a date and if it feels right. I would definitely be weary on the first date of somebody just dumping stuff if organically it didn't happen. I just feel like everything is different in every connection and situation and commonality or whatever comes up. So it's just really situation by situation. But I think early on it's important to know why a significant relationship fell apart because it could be something that is like a red button issue for you, and I would rather know that earlier than getting more invested in the person and then kind of having that knowledge come to light afterwards.
00:03:51
Speaker 1: I want to add one thing to this, though, there's also something to be said when it's taking over the conversation. And I have met people and their divorce, whether it was recent or a long time ago, whatever it was, is still occupying every moment and every piece of their energy, and all they want to do is talk about their marriage and their divorce and how terrible the person wasn't gone, and on and on and on. And I just look at that and say, well, you're not over it yet. You are still involved in this relationship, whether you know it's worked out or not, it has still consumed you, and that person isn't ready to move forward. And so I think that's that's also a red flag, as if you cannot stop talking about your previous relationship.
00:04:31
Speaker 3: Well, let me ask you both this.
00:04:33
Speaker 2: You're on a first date with somebody and you find out in conversation that they're not divorced once, they're not divorced twice. They've actually been divorced three times. Oh, Louise is making a face. I want to know, if you hear somebody's been divorced two plus times on a first date, are you hearing them out or are you all of a sudden like, yeah, I'm checking out of this date.
00:05:01
Speaker 6: Now kind of neither. I think that first of all, it shows me they can be in a relationship, which I appreciate, and that they can make a commitment, which I appreciate. I think a lot of times it has to do with the reasons for divorce. I mean, somebody could get married the first time and they're not best friends and it just organically falls apart, and then number two hasband Number two you could love, and then he cheats on you. So I'm not going to make a judgment there either. I think it's just everything is unique, and as you get older, you give grace on different situations. I think for me, the most important thing to mister Wright's point is if somebody is just sitting on a date and they're going on and on and on about their ex husband or their ex you know whatever, boyfriend, or whatever. I don't have time for that because they're not over it, and I'm not going to get involved with somebody who stills looking in the rear view mirror.
00:05:49
Speaker 2: Mister Wright, what do you think if somebody's on a first date with you and they say that they've been divorced three times?
00:05:55
Speaker 1: I think I think at that point it's probably a commitment issue.
00:05:57
Speaker 4: And you know, relationships are hard. Don't get me wrong, they are hard.
00:06:01
Speaker 1: But if you've called it quits three times and there hasn't been some extenuating circumstances like a cheating or the things I talk about, the big ones, alcohol, drug abuse, physical abuse, you know, money issues.
00:06:15
Speaker 4: If it's just it.
00:06:16
Speaker 1: Didn't work out three times, then that person didn't take enough time learning going in and didn't give enough commitment staying in.
00:06:23
Speaker 3: So your red flags are going up.
00:06:24
Speaker 2: If somebody says to you on a first date, I've been divorced three times.
00:06:27
Speaker 5: Well, it depends on the circumstances, it.
00:06:30
Speaker 1: Does, but I think generally, if somewhere to say I've been divorced three times, I'm definitely curious about those reasons.
00:06:39
Speaker 4: You know that.
00:06:41
Speaker 1: Three times, you know, for me once, for me twice, so I think that three times would be would be a hard.
00:06:48
Speaker 4: Thing to get over.
00:06:49
Speaker 6: I do think they say that if you've been divorced once and you get married a second time, it's easier to get divorced a second time because you've seen that you can survive it.
00:07:00
Speaker 5: So for me, you almost take it that much more.
00:07:02
Speaker 2: So if you're not even easier, it's it's more likely second. Statistically, statistically more marriage second marriages end in divorce because yes, it's not necessarily that it's easier, but you've already gone through it before, so you know what to expect, and that's why second marriages often and in divorce.
00:07:20
Speaker 5: Yes, right, yeah, proceed with caution.
00:07:23
Speaker 6: If you're willing to make that commitment again, you have to really feel that it's going to be solid.
00:07:28
Speaker 2: To me, not that anybody's asking, but it sounds like quite a bit of paperwork and stress to go through a divorce. To have gone through it three times, you know, and still back out there dating again, would definitely I think give pause because it would also if I were on the receiving end of that, it would make me wonder why are they so gung ho to date? It sounds like they're needing some sort of support if they've been through this three times already, which we all know on this zoom that divorce is not cheap. It would be to me, what's the motive, what's the reasoning for getting back out there again? Because you could date with no expectation of marriage, but it seems like marriage is the expectation for somebody that's been divorced three times.
00:08:22
Speaker 6: Right, But first of all, there's ways to get married a second time. Right. You don't have to share money, and you're probably not going to share kids if you're older. Or there's many people in my life where she wears a ring and they live together but they're not legally married. And then there's just a lot of you know, there's different ways to do a long term committed relationship, especially as you get older. Heather, we got to get you feeling more positive about relationships. So we're gonna have a sidebar on this because I'm like hearing you say now this version of it, like we're going to do some work here.
00:08:55
Speaker 2: Okay, So Louise, let's take this one to you. When you're dating someone's curiously, how many mistakes do they get? How long till you are fully out. And let's say mistakes are things like not texting back for a few days, or prioritizing other things over the relationship, whether that's buddy buddy time, not kids, not work, but like things that are a choice, whether that's going golfing versus hanging out with you, or maybe forgetting important things, whether that's dates or something that you ask them to attend. So how many mistakes do you let somebody have before you're out when you're dating somebody new.
00:09:37
Speaker 6: Look, I don't look at a lot of small things as mistakes, right, Like, I think we have to be flexible.
00:09:44
Speaker 5: We all have a lot going on.
00:09:45
Speaker 6: But I think there's a degree of respect and accountability and clarity and transparency in a relationship. So for me, you know, if somebody is forgetting to show up somewhere, he's just not that into me, right or it's just not that important. If he is, you know, not you know, dotting his eyes and crossing his t's on certain things, then it depends on what it is.
00:10:06
Speaker 5: Right. So it's just again, as.
00:10:09
Speaker 6: You get older, it's there's not it's not like the rules like back in the in the day, there were there were rules.
00:10:14
Speaker 5: I think It's just it's.
00:10:15
Speaker 6: Just different and everybody has different triggering kind of points that upset them versus don't upset them.
00:10:22
Speaker 5: So for me, it just depends on the situation.
00:10:24
Speaker 6: Now, I have some big red you know, big issues that are like there's no looking back. It's the big ones cheating on me, period, awful, you know, being disrespectful to my family and friends and children.
00:10:37
Speaker 5: That to me just shows you.
00:10:39
Speaker 6: I don't like when people are rude to to waitresses and leaders and help staff. That shows me who they are. Different things like that I pay close attention to.
00:10:49
Speaker 2: Okay, same question for you, mister right what kind of mistakes do you maybe see or would you allow? And which mistakes would you say too many? Miss Now I've got to go this is this is not for me.
00:11:03
Speaker 4: Well, first of.
00:11:03
Speaker 1: All, if you have been you know, intentional and communicating and you kind of know what the expectations and boundaries are, then I think there's very little room for for for mistakes in my personal opinion, if you know, things like communication super important, super easy to do too, responding to text super easy. Ghosting somebody even for a couple of days is.
00:11:24
Speaker 4: I think in my world.
00:11:25
Speaker 1: So it's like it's it's not that it's inexcusable, but it just shows that that person just doesn't really care that much, you know, repeatedly canceling on things or not showing up, you know, I think is basically, I don't know, it's just a show a sign that to use Louise's line, she's just not dead into you. And so I mean, if someone's doing the big issues of course, cheating or you know, lying or whatever else, that that's that's not gonna that's not gonna fly. But I think that if that person is showing continued disrespect of the boundaries that you've created again back to communication, showing up when you're supposed to, all those kind of little things, if there is a pattern that you're going outside of that, then I think you're I think basically the diet is cast and you know where you stand.
00:12:09
Speaker 2: Okay, mister Wright, we'll start with you. Who do you turn to for relationship advice?
00:12:17
Speaker 1: So this is an interesting one. I mean, usually I would say it's the guys. I looked as much to my girlfriends, to my sisters, to my nieces as I do to my guys now, And I don't know, maybe it's just you know, an age thing or a more maturity thing. But I'm you know, I commiserate with my guys, I guess, but I'm probably looking for more advice from the women in my life. And I'm lucky to have super strong women that aren't afraid to tell me, you know, maybe sometimes what I don't want to hear, but they give me good advice. And I think it's a lot more effective to get advice from the opposite sex when talking about relationships than it is going and talking to, you know, my buddies that just want to, you know, make you feel the good.
00:13:01
Speaker 3: Louise, you agree, tell me about that.
00:13:03
Speaker 5: I agree.
00:13:03
Speaker 6: And this is why I think this episode is actually really interesting because I would listen to podcasts like this, and I do hearing the male's perspective, it's really important in terms of helping our side to navigate and to understand and to kind of read the coding and the messages.
00:13:21
Speaker 5: So I have a guy best friend.
00:13:23
Speaker 6: There has been zero romantic sexual interest for us since the nineties, and literally we FaceTime in the morning and we just kind of hammer it all out.
00:13:34
Speaker 5: And I agree with mister Wright.
00:13:36
Speaker 6: I think opposite sex advice is so valuable.
00:13:40
Speaker 3: Okay, I like this that we're agreeing on a topic.
00:13:44
Speaker 4: It's surprising, a little surprising.
00:13:46
Speaker 5: I think we've agreed on a lot.
00:13:58
Speaker 2: So Louise, let's start with this one for you. Is casual dating actually casual? And what about casual sex? Can it ever be casual? Let's not just say just for you, just in general? What do you think for men and women?
00:14:13
Speaker 6: I think it has to For me, it depends on the age. I mean, I'm not a casual dater. I want to I'm intentional about finding a partner, So something that's casual feels like it's kind of lukewarm, neither here nor there. So for me, that's definitely not a person that I'm probably sleeping with And I'm just going to put that to rest because I don't feel a romantic connection and keep looking.
00:14:35
Speaker 2: But in general, knowing other women, knowing other single men, do you think that casual dating is real and attainable? Do you think casual sex is real and attainable?
00:14:48
Speaker 3: Sure you do? Okay, great, mister Wright, same question for you.
00:14:52
Speaker 2: Tell me what you think about when it comes to casual dating or casual sex.
00:14:58
Speaker 1: So I think that in this kind of chapter two so you know, post divorce. As long as both people know exactly what it is they're getting themselves into, I think casual dating or casual sex is totally can be totally agreeable. The only time that it doesn't work is when one person doesn't realize that it's casual. When one person doesn't realize that actually, this doesn't mean anything or isn't going anywhere.
00:15:21
Speaker 5: Or catches feelings.
00:15:23
Speaker 1: Yes, or catches feelings along the way and doesn't explain that because you know, it might be that you know, you have a you know, a vacation coming up, and you know this person and you you know, you have sort of feelings for each other, but it's not serious, and so you go on a trip together, but maybe you're not calling on the Tuesday when you get back, and if one person's expecting that call, wondering why they'ren't you know, why this the next date isn't you know, isn't scheduled, that's when casual dating or casual sex can get really really complicated and destroy what could be a nice friendship or relationship. But I think as long as both people know what they're getting themselves into and are kind of aware of what the parameters are. Then I think, you know, I think that's totally fine, and I think it's it is casual. It is you know, it's because two people are kind of looking for the same thing. They're looking for someone to spend time with. I'mone to have fun with, but maybe not build their life with.
00:16:17
Speaker 2: Yeah, let's you said something interesting there in the sense of you made a comment about going on a trip. Let's define what we each think is of casual. Because when I think casual dating, I'm not thinking going on a trip.
00:16:32
Speaker 3: To me, going on a trip is serious.
00:16:35
Speaker 2: I'm not spending money and I'm not going a distance with somebody for something casual.
00:16:41
Speaker 3: If it's casual, that.
00:16:42
Speaker 2: Means I'm also probably not going to fancy dinners with that person. Right, the investment is low, the level of energy is low. If it's casual, what I would interpret is casual as a single woman would be drinks. And if it is leading to casual intimacy, we have to keep verbalizing out loud that this is casual. There can't be any telepathic communication going on. It needs to actually keep being said that this is fun, this is a hangout. And if I'm in chapter two, it means I'm not meeting your kids. It means you're not meeting my kids. There's no chance of that kind of happening. I'm not meeting your ex, I'm not talking to your ex. I'm probably not meeting your coworkers or your friends. You're not meeting my friends. Those to me, are levels of intimacy. When you start to bring somebody into your inner circle, that makes it not casual.
00:17:43
Speaker 3: Do you guys agree? Disagree? What do you think about that?
00:17:46
Speaker 6: When you're introducing this person in a meaningful way to important people in your life, like your kids, then it's not casual. A guy going out with you because your friends are all out one night and you're just hanging out with a guy, going to bring him into a fun night out that can be more casual. You need to have full transparency, and I think somewhere along the way, typically somebody catches more feelings than the other person, and that's when it gets diicy to go on a trip. For me with a guy, it means that we're sleeping together and you're waking up with that person and you're it's different. There's a different level of intimacy. So for me, that's not casual, and I would be pretty bummed if I went on a trip with somebody and he didn't call me the next day.
00:18:34
Speaker 2: I agree, and it's even. It would also be like, say he's going on a work trip and he has a hotel room being paid for by the company, and he says, come along, you can hang out, But that's still a trip, even if his company is paying for it and he's inviting you. That's you going distance, that's you putting time. I think that there's a difference between boyfriend treatment and.
00:19:00
Speaker 3: Ual dating.
00:19:01
Speaker 2: I do not do certain things with a man if he is not my boyfriend.
00:19:06
Speaker 6: Are you saying you or are you saying in general me, Well, you're a different You're in a different You're almost a different I mean, for me at least a different generation, right sure.
00:19:17
Speaker 2: But I'm also I'm not in my twenties, and I'm if I'm dating somebody at this age, there's a very high probability that he's in his chapter two at the age range that I'm dating. So I'm just saying, like in general, when we're talking casual, that's how I would define casual as like, casual means low effort, low level of money, being paid, low level of interaction of different parts of my life.
00:19:50
Speaker 3: That would be what casual is what I define it as.
00:19:53
Speaker 6: I think people want different things at different chapters. I have friends that are, you know, brand new divorced, and they want thirty one flour right, and they're just going to go out and you know, different night, you know, meet a different guy.
00:20:05
Speaker 5: Doesn't mean they're.
00:20:06
Speaker 6: Necessarily going to sleep with them, but then they get tired of it. But I just think it depends that the you know, kind of where you are and at what point, like did you just break up with somebody, do you just want to you know, have you been dating?
00:20:19
Speaker 5: Are you tired?
00:20:20
Speaker 6: Did you take a hiatus and now you're really there intentionally looking for your partner. It's not a one size fits all rule that applies, in my opinion, but transparency is the most important thing.
00:20:32
Speaker 5: Like and you could tell if the guy likes you or doesn't like you. I mean, you can read.
00:20:38
Speaker 4: A room well.
00:20:39
Speaker 1: I think you guys should include trips like weekend trips whatever in part of that casual because that that I mean, I think that's that's a big part of casual dating or casual relationships. I think is more than just drinks it, you know, and you know, not meeting face. I think trips are part of it.
00:20:57
Speaker 4: I think, I think then.
00:20:58
Speaker 1: And you know, if you're going somewhere where you're both want to have fun, you you're both single, you both want to go and go to a beach vacation or go to a skiing vacation, whatever else, you can keep that casual as well, in my opinion, And again, as long as both people understand what the rules are and one you know, they don't, no one's surprised or hurt or get feelings stomped on because it isn't actually progressing anywhere else. I think I think trips could be included in that casual dating.
00:21:27
Speaker 6: Okay, interesting, I actually think that that's more of a guy perspective than in my opinion. But maybe you've met different people, mister Wright, who are willing to pack and go and have a great trip and you know, have a wild time and are okay not getting a phone call the next day, I would feel pretty shy about it. Is it?
00:21:48
Speaker 3: Also?
00:21:48
Speaker 2: I mean from a man's perspective, is that a way of showing interest and showing a love language, you know, like gift giving is a love language, right, would some man if his love language is giving gifts saying I planned a weekend trip, would you like to come as a way of expressing his love language?
00:22:10
Speaker 3: Do you think?
00:22:11
Speaker 4: I mean?
00:22:11
Speaker 1: It can be, but it could also just be. Hey, listen, we're both single, we both like the beach, we both would you like to go to a spa weekend?
00:22:19
Speaker 4: Could you know? Whatever it is?
00:22:20
Speaker 1: And you both want a partner to do that with, maybe not looking to get married or spend the rest of your life with them, but you want to have an adventure, You want to have an experience, and you want to do it with somebody that you're attracted to to some degree. And I think that you know, trips are a great way to express that, and also you know, heck, it's a great way to fast track whether or not maybe you do want to take it to the next level.
00:22:42
Speaker 6: Well, it can change from casual to serious and a trip can help do that, for sure.
00:22:47
Speaker 3: It can. But that's only if that's what the intention is, right, But you.
00:22:52
Speaker 6: Don't have to spell out the intention, right, Like if you're willing to go on a trip with somebody because you have you're interested in.
00:22:59
Speaker 2: A But mister Wright is saying just to view it as casual and just like away, and you're saying, I only go on trips unless I'm getting serious. I mean, you'd have to you'd have to verbalize. That's where we're talking about the crossing of men and women. Is He's literally saying it's a casual thing. It's just you two being single, and you're saying, I'm only going on a trip with you if we're committed and or if we're leaning towards committed.
00:23:28
Speaker 6: I didn't say committed, I said but that they're I mean, for me, going on a trip with somebody is not as casual as for example, even of sleepover right and waking up and you know.
00:23:40
Speaker 1: No, I'm not trying to compare it, but I'm saying you can have these casual adventures. And in chapter two, like you know, if I you know, if I want to go and have an adventure with something, I want to go against skiing, go to the beach, or you know, go to Vegas or go to a concert, or have some adventure and do it with somebody I'm not necessarily commit to. I would you know, I would want to, you know, I would feel totally easy asking somebody that I'm casually dating or whatever else to do that with me, and hopefully they would also see it as not just like we're we're building a relationship together, but we're going and doing something fun and having an adventure. Now if a byproduct of that is that you get closer, that's all the better.
00:24:23
Speaker 2: I would fully misconstrue that if a guy asked me to go on a trip, I would most likely And it also depends, I guess on how long I've been seeing him. If I've gone on two dates with him and he says, let's go do a weekend in you know, a beach get away, then I'd be like, okay, maybe like we're he just wants to have fun or something.
00:24:45
Speaker 3: But if I've been seeing him for a month and he wants.
00:24:48
Speaker 2: To go do a beach get away, it's what the trip is to Like, if we're saying let's let's do let's do a get away to my sister's wedding, Okay, that's something different.
00:24:57
Speaker 1: But if you're saying let's go, let's go and you see a concert in Vegas for the night, I think everybody kind of has as a good idea of what that what that is, at least that's my opinion.
00:25:08
Speaker 6: Okay, have you had success, mister Wright, ever doing that in the time that you've been divorced.
00:25:13
Speaker 4: No, I mean I haven't.
00:25:15
Speaker 1: I haven't casually dated really, you know, I've I've dated, but dated with intention.
00:25:19
Speaker 4: So I but I.
00:25:22
Speaker 1: Do know, like a lot of my friends that you know, they have they have busy schedules, and they have certain weekends off and they don't have a significant person, they'll take They'll find a date to go and say, listen, and I want to go to you know, just to Mexico for for a long weekend. Come, you know, come with me. I want to go and go skiing for you know, for a weekend. Do you want to come with me? And I think everybody kind of knows the you know, they're they're going and doing something together. They're having they're having an adventure, they're having experience. They're doing it with somebody they're obviously somewhat attracted to, or even really attracted to, but maybe they're not just you know, five steps down the aisle towards marriage. But they're just again having a fun weekend, which you're allowed to do. I think I think that's as long as both people are bought in.
00:26:07
Speaker 6: Absolutely, but you would if you're gonna go do that, then you've dated a little bit and you're having fun. And the hope is is that it will morph into something more serious. Like I don't know many of my friends or girls that would just be like, yeah, this is casual. I'm just gonna go on a trip and we're going to do this and doesn't matter if I hear from him after and I don't know.
00:26:29
Speaker 5: I mean, Heather, what do you think.
00:26:32
Speaker 2: My whole thing is? If it's casual, it's a low dollar amount, it's a low time commitment. It's all the investment of it is because time is money.
00:26:41
Speaker 5: Well, low dollar amount meaning you're paying your way to get there.
00:26:44
Speaker 2: Right, I'm going on a trip. We're going to a concert in Vegas. That means I'm probably getting my hair done, my nail's done, I'm buying a new outfit. I'm maybe taking a Friday off of work, which means I'm not getting paid. I'm looking for somebody to watch my dog, you know what I mean. It's like that's money investing. Even if he's buying the plane ticket and he's you know, paying for the room. I'm still investing in it in myself in a way that I maybe I'm also getting him a gift as a thank you, or I'm buying you know, our first dinner when we get there, because I'm not just gonna allow somebody to take me on a trip and not you know, put in for it in some capacity. So to me, that's a bigger commitment investment in time and money on my end for something that I I really could be up or down if this guy ends up, you know, calling me back or not after this trip, you know what I mean, I'd have to I'm not a betting person.
00:27:41
Speaker 3: If we're talking about Vegas.
00:27:42
Speaker 2: I need to be a little bit more of a sure thing in order to not get my hopes up. Because that's also what's happening. If somebody's taking me somewhere on a trip. I'm probably telling my girlfriends, Oh, he wants to do a little weekend getaway.
00:27:57
Speaker 3: It's a good sign.
00:27:59
Speaker 2: I think we start without casual, but you know what, I think he wants to spend more time with me, you know what I mean. And it's like if time is also precious in chapter two, right, time limited time away from kids and things like that, I want to spend it with somebody intentionally, I don't want to spend it with somebody that I'm like, I'm kind of iffy on Gorm exactly. That's what I'm reading. Unless it keeps getting verbalized, Hey, this is casual.
00:28:28
Speaker 3: I have an extra ticket to Vegas. Would you like to go? It's casual.
00:28:32
Speaker 2: It just has to keep being verbalized over and over again for it to actually be casual, because if it's not, my brain is doing all sorts of connecting dots and things and what's he saying with this? What's he not saying when he does this kind of thing? But I I I love to hear the man's perspective that you're like, it's just a trip. It's just like it's it's just it's it's just a weekend. I'm looking for somebody to have fun.
00:28:55
Speaker 6: With as you to go to Vegas to hear, you know, the Eagles coming, Just know that it's casual.
00:29:01
Speaker 3: Heather, exactly exactly.
00:29:04
Speaker 5: But I would go.
00:29:04
Speaker 6: I mean, Eagles was pretty incredible there at the Sphere, So I would say yes if I were you.
00:29:09
Speaker 2: I mean, this is all really really good intel though, mister Wright, is it ever good to date someone who's separated and not divorced yet.
00:29:18
Speaker 1: If someone just separated, there's always a chance that they're coming back and they're just testing the waters and they're just trying to feel out what life is like outside of the relationship. So I think I would be cautious, extremely cautious if.
00:29:32
Speaker 4: They're just saying, oh, we're separated.
00:29:35
Speaker 1: Oftentimes, both parties have different of the marriage, have different perspectives on what separated means. I mean, I hate to use the friends term, but you know, it was just a break. And I think that if the guy or the girl has a different understanding or a different interpretation of what separated means, we're just taking a break, we're gonna get together, we're working on things, We're going to get back together, or no, no, no, we're just waiting for the divorce to get finalized.
00:30:06
Speaker 4: I think you have to be super cautious.
00:30:18
Speaker 3: All right, Louise, tell us your perspective.
00:30:21
Speaker 6: So I was recently on a date a couple of weeks ago with a guy, and he is never going to get divorced because she's sick and does not want her to lose her medical you know, kind of benefits and I actually really appreciated it because normally, when I meet somebody and they're separated and not divorced, it does give me pause. Like mister Wright is saying, this was the one time where it actually showed me what his character was. And he wasn't for me, but it actually showed me what his character was. And the example he was obviously showing his son. But for the most part, I agree. But I also have friends they've been separated for you know, five, ten, fifteen years because quite fank, they don't want to separate the estate. It's just easier for the estate to stay together, and therefore they're clearly not married and they have long term relationships, but on paper they're still married and they're still filing joint tax returns. If somebody's newly separated, definitely proceed with caution.
00:31:24
Speaker 2: Good good intel. One more question for you guys. Louise will start with you. What do you think a man is looking for in his fifties versus his thirties? What do you think a woman is looking for in her fifties versus her thirties.
00:31:39
Speaker 3: Let's see if our answer is align.
00:31:42
Speaker 6: Are you asking specifically to a guy who's thirty didning a fifty year old woman, or just in general, what a thirty year old wants compared to what a fifty year old wants in general?
00:31:53
Speaker 2: What do you think a man in his fifties wants now that maybe he didn't want in his thirties.
00:32:00
Speaker 6: I think he wants a partner who he is best friends with. I think he wants somebody that he is really connected to physically, sexually, emotionally. I think he wants somebody that is aligned with him encore values. I think the stakes are higher. I think a thirty year old is looking for fun, doesn't necessarily know what is going to yet happen in life, where potentially you might need a little bit more in terms of stepping up to the plate. I think you haven't seen as much life at thirty as you've seen at fifty, so you might not be aware of what you.
00:32:43
Speaker 5: Would really need.
00:32:45
Speaker 3: And what do you think a woman wants in her fifties versus what she wants in her thirties.
00:32:49
Speaker 6: I think a woman in her thirties wants somebody who could be an incredible partner, Somebody who could raise children, who can be a great parent provider, Somebody who is a good person that you want to spend time with and hang out with.
00:33:06
Speaker 5: I think in.
00:33:08
Speaker 6: Your fifties the woman wants basically the same thing, but maybe a different version or iteration of it. But really a true partner in every sense of the word.
00:33:18
Speaker 2: Partner meaning contributes financially, does the invisible work at home.
00:33:24
Speaker 3: Like, what do you mean when you talk about partner?
00:33:27
Speaker 6: I mean I can speak for myself, right. I want somebody who I'm attracted to. I want to sleep next to. I want to cuddle with, I want to have sex with, I want to laugh with. I want to bring places in my life. You know, I don't need somebody to support me. I need somebody who can pay his own way. I'm not going to support somebody, but I can pay my own bills. Somebody who you know is a good human being, or God forbid the other shoe drops that I can count on him to be there supporting me and behind and somebody who I enjoy and want to laugh with and make coffee for, or just I'm looking for kind of what I didn't have in my marriage. I'm looking for a person that can know me intimately and be my home.
00:34:10
Speaker 2: For this next chapter, Okay, So financial stability, though in the fifties is probably more.
00:34:15
Speaker 6: I think it depends howether. I think it depends on so many factors. It's you know, I have friends that you know, completely rely on their partner to pay their bills. So if it's the if they're going to get rid of their monthly check from their ex husband, then they need to make sure that they're pivoting into somebody else who's going to, you know, basically support them. I have friends who earn their own money and that's not as important. I have friends who you know, got a lump sum of money, and it's not It just depends.
00:34:44
Speaker 5: It's not the same for anybody.
00:34:47
Speaker 3: But we still don't want to.
00:34:48
Speaker 2: What I mean is in our thirties, we could maybe not be caring about somebody's financial wellbeing, whether they have money, whether they can pay their bills or not.
00:34:59
Speaker 3: But when or in our fifties, you can't be broke.
00:35:02
Speaker 6: You can't be broken in your thirties, right, Like, if you're thinking about raising kids and building a life with somebody, somebody has to be able to generate an income, if not both people, right, sure, can't just you know, have two people just floundering and hoping for the best, and then bring children into the world right they need.
00:35:18
Speaker 2: Medical children is important to you at thirty. The cost of living could be lower in your thirties and you could maybe squeak by on, you know, one person picking up more of the slack. But in your fifties and maybe you are in chapter two and you do have kids. I'm just saying that the financial thing is maybe more of something that you look at at that age range than maybe you looked at when you were in your thirties.
00:35:46
Speaker 6: I think it depends on who you are. It's situation by situation. I have friends who will only date rich guys.
00:35:52
Speaker 2: But did they only date rich guys when they were in their thirties?
00:35:56
Speaker 5: Probably?
00:35:57
Speaker 2: Okay, all right, mister Wright, tell me about what you think men are looking for in their fifties versus when they were in their thirties, and the same thing for women.
00:36:06
Speaker 4: So I'm going to answer a little bit differently.
00:36:07
Speaker 1: So I think that both men and women in their thirties have a different worldview. They're looking at building their life, they're looking at adventure, they're looking at growing something, and they're looking for a partner to do that. With and you know, eating you know, rawmen out of a you know, off the stovetop. Is it sort of kind of a romantic thing still as you're bootstrapping your life together and building it together. Now, let's talk about in their fifties. And I think that women in their fifties, This is just my opinion. I think women in their fifties are looking much more for stability. I think they're looking for safety, security. They're still obviously adventure and all those sorts of things, but I think if you were to look at a pie chart, it would be heavier weighted towards a sense of security and stability. And I think guys in their fifties they're they're looking for that sense of stability, but they're also looking for probably, you know, to satisfy whatever it was they didn't find in their marriage.
00:37:06
Speaker 4: And I think that you know.
00:37:09
Speaker 1: That guys are probably less looking at in their fifties for a long term, committed marriage relationship than women in their fifties, and so I think there's a little bit of a disparate kind of outlook for that period. And I think that it merges again maybe as you get a little bit older.
00:37:28
Speaker 4: But I think that you know.
00:37:30
Speaker 1: In that fifties range, I do think that there is a different outlook that is more dramatic than in their thirties. I think thirties you're probably looking for sort of the same things, and that's why you see so many people get married when they're the thirties. In their late twenties and thirties, you're getting married, you're having kids, you're building a life together. Then you get into your fifties, and this is usually around the time when chapter two is are really prevalent. It's because they're looking for two different things. And I think women again are looking for a sense of stability and security, and I think guys are looking to to satisfy whatever it was they didn't get and they didn't see and they didn't achieve in their thirties and forties.
00:38:06
Speaker 4: Well, this is so fun.
00:38:07
Speaker 1: Thanks Heather for keeping us on topic and on time. Luis, You're amazing. Thank you for your perspectives, and obviously to all of the listeners that gave us riveting questions compelling comments that kept this podcast going right until the final moments.
00:38:23
Speaker 4: Thank you so much for listening. Louise over to.
00:38:25
Speaker 6: You to our listeners. If you are in chapter two. Whether you are enjoying it or not, you need help navigating it.
00:38:33
Speaker 5: You need different perspectives.
00:38:35
Speaker 6: Here we are at ID Part two in iHeartRadio podcast, where falling in love is the main objective. Send us an email, leave us a voicemail. All of the infos and the show notes. Follow us on socials.