July 11, 2026
Brian Austin Green Gives Advice On Divorce, Sex, And Dating!
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Should you look through your partner's text messages? What questions should you ask on a first date? Is scheduling “intimacy” …less sexy?
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00:00:16
Speaker 1: Hello, I do part two.
00:00:18
Speaker 2: It is your celebrity mentor, Brian Austin Green, and we asked you on our socials to send in questions and leave me voicemails for any sort of advice that you're needing.
00:00:29
Speaker 1: From relationships to sex and divorce.
00:00:33
Speaker 2: It's okay, I'm excited, let's dive into these today.
00:00:39
Speaker 1: Hey, this is Mary.
00:00:40
Speaker 3: I'm so glad you do this podcast. I'm recently divorced and I don't want our marriage to seem like a failure, which is what my ex husband keeps saying in front of our kids over and over. And I'm hoping for a person perspective about how we can talk to them about this just being the closing of a beautiful chapter like our relationship. It was amazing, we had children. It's ending, but it's not a failure. Please help, Thank you so much.
00:01:08
Speaker 2: So that's an that's an interesting Uh, that's an interesting question. It's an interesting kind of topic to get into.
00:01:18
Speaker 1: I So I think.
00:01:20
Speaker 2: When people get married, they tend to be on the same path in life. They're sort of going in the same direction. They figure, hey, let's team up and do this together. And then sometimes those paths separate. And the two people kind of decide that they want different things. That doesn't necessarily mean that your marriage or your relationship was a failure. It was meant to be.
00:01:49
Speaker 1: What it was.
00:01:51
Speaker 2: For you guys. You had amazing kids out of it. It. It was absolutely a path that you both were on. You were supposed to have the kids that you had, and now you're meant to move on to other things. But that doesn't mean that you guys are mad at each other or that the kids are going to be put in the middle somehow. It's that you guys have agreed that you are going to sort of move in these different directions, and you're gonna support each other, and you're gonna love each other through them. You're gonna love each other because you do. You're gonna love each other because you guys are the parents of these amazing kids. And so you are making the grown up choice of being true to yourselves and seeing what this original family will now look like in this new form. And it should be exciting for everybody. It should be exciting to see what Daddy's gonna do. It should be exciting to see what Mommy's gonna do. It should just be sort of this fun time. You know, unknown can mean scary, but it doesn't necessarily mean bad. And I think if you find the fun enjoyment in stepping forward into the unknown and making the choice as a family and as a unit to do it and support and love each other, you'd be surprised how amazing that journey can be. That was a really good one. That was a good one to start with. So we're gonna go We're gonna go back and forth between these these voicemails. And then we also had some people that just sort of wrote in questions, they didn't send us voicemails. But we want to get we want to get into both, and so I think we're going to sort of go back and forth between the two.
00:03:47
Speaker 1: We're going to alternate.
00:03:48
Speaker 2: So this next question is from Jillian, and she says, what's something that you wish men talked about more with each other about divorce and moving on?
00:03:59
Speaker 1: I wish that men were.
00:04:06
Speaker 2: There for each other in a better way, in whatever way serves the person dealing with the divorce, whatever it is they need. Sometimes you need just a person to vent to, to sound off to, and sometimes you need advice. I feel sometimes like because men aren't good at communicating necessarily that they don't really know how to be there for a friend of theirs and how to provide guidance or or just you know, someone to listen to, just sort of a rock, just a person there that loves them no matter what. I don't feel like men sometimes know how to provide that, because men, uh, it's in our nature to want to fix things, and sometimes being in that mode of wanting to fix everything will get in the way of someone not needing to be fixed, someone just needing to have someone that listens really well, that will sit back and hold space for them and listen. And you know, sometimes you know, just in just in speaking out loud, you sometimes answer your own questions. You know, it's you just need to hear yourself talking about it out loud instead of in your own head, because sometimes in your own head you you sort of try and micromanage things, and you you try and almost figure out as you're going, which isn't necessarily the best way to do it. Sometimes it's best to lay it all out there, say it all, and then you get to the end and you go, ooh, you know what, hearing myself having said all of that I feel differently about it. So I wish men. I wish men listened better and held space, because sometimes that is the support that other men need, especially in going through divorce and moving on. Because it's unknown, it's an unknown time. Let's move on to the next voicemail.
00:06:39
Speaker 4: Hi, Brian, So I have a question for you.
00:06:42
Speaker 5: I just want to know. I just recently started dating a guy and I met him all with a dating app, and I trust him and I feel like he's a really good guy. But we're probably going to make it official soon, and I just want to know. Is it ever pay to look through somebody's text messages just.
00:07:05
Speaker 6: To confirm or.
00:07:10
Speaker 4: Not confirm any suspicions. I'm just I'm a little worried that he got.
00:07:16
Speaker 5: Into this too quickly after a past relationship, and I'm kind of tempted to look through his text messages.
00:07:25
Speaker 4: Is that always breaking a boundary?
00:07:27
Speaker 5: Or is it ever?
00:07:28
Speaker 2: Okay? Thanks, That's that's a really good question. I don't okay, this is I can answer. I'm going to have to answer this in a few parts for you. I think if you are brand new in a relationship and you're not even to the point where you're you've made it official with other people, something's wrong if you're feeling the need to go through that person's text messages, I think it's important for you to take a step back from it and decide how much is.
00:08:08
Speaker 1: Truly the other person, and how much.
00:08:11
Speaker 2: Of it is your own stuff, how much of that you are carrying in from past situations, all of these red flags, all of these things that you worry about that can become complicated, Like I know, I know people sort of they feel like they've learned as they've loved and they've been through these relationships, and you start collecting these red flags and these things to look out for, and ooh, as soon as I see anything that is remotely similar to what I went through before, I'm automatically going to go there because I'm prepared, because I know. I think the problem with that that I wouldn't even say, sometimes say most of the time, is that you are holding this new person in your life responsible for things that happened to you before, and it's not really a fair pressure to put on them. When I look back on, honestly, the best relationships in my life up until the one I'm in now, the one that was the best was my very first one because I just loved I didn't have the red flags. I was in it completely. I gave all of myself. I absolutely loved the relationship and it absolutely devastated me when it was over. But like, what do you what do you really want from life? You know, what do you what do you want from this relationship? Do you want something that is that you can truly be in and and love a thousand percent? Or do you want something that you are half in and half out of because of previous situations that have hurt you. I think that's sort of a decision that you have to make. I think when you've been in a relationship long term with someone and there are things that continue to go on and you start really having genuine suspicions of the person. To me a healthy relationship, everything's open. Sharna can go through my phone, she can go through my emails, she can go through absolutely everything that I have. I don't hide any of it, and I love the feeling of her being able to do that and know that she's not going to find anything that's going to upset her. I make very clear in my life that I'm not going to make any choices that would hurt her feelings or negatively affect her. I don't make any choices that compromise the relationship in any way. So you know, I think there's a I think there's a time and a place for checking text messages. I don't think now's the time. If you guys are this early.
00:11:24
Speaker 1: On in a relationship.
00:11:27
Speaker 2: Feeling the need to do that already is there's way more going on than that. Honestly, my advice if I were in your shoes is to sit down with him and have this exact conversation and say, I am beyond worried that you aren't ready for the relationship that I am ready for that I want that, I feel like I want to be in with you. I was to the point where I wanted to start checking your messages and going through because I am terrified of who you are that I don't know about, and open that conversation. I think, you know, you might be surprised what comes out of that, because a the really tough answers that you aren't sure you're ready for could come, or it could open up a conversation that then brings you guys way closer than you were before and now he has a better understanding of you. He knows that you are someone that will come to him first and talk to him. I mean, I honestly believe that checking text messages and going through stut that's sort of a last resort. That is, if you've done absolutely everything else, and you shouldn't be at that point right now. This relationship sounds way too way too early. So that is I would have that conversation. I think for you at least that would provide the answers that you need. You'd get a much better sense of what it is you're in having that conversation, and then you can sort of decipher what your feelings are after that instead of sort of just going in blindly and going I'm not sure if I trust this or not. So I hope that answered your question.
00:13:38
Speaker 1: This is a.
00:13:38
Speaker 2: Question from Nancy. She says, what's something you believed about marriage before you're divorced that you no longer believe. It's a good question, Nancy. You know, I had this belief before I got married that it's something that you do once you decide that you're going to get married, and you play on doing that for the rest of your life.
00:14:01
Speaker 1: I mean, that is in your vows.
00:14:04
Speaker 2: You say for better or for worse, till death do us part, and I think that is sort of the intention. And then the marriage doesn't work out and you start questioning if that is, if that's real or not, And I did, I questioned it.
00:14:25
Speaker 1: I don't anymore. I truly believe.
00:14:30
Speaker 2: That a marriage, if you choose to be married, if you choose to just be in a long term relationship with someone, I feel like that situation absolutely happens for a reason in your life, and there are amazing things that are going to come out of that. You have to be sort of open to the fact that sometimes your thoughts and your your definition of forever, uh, it doesn't actually correspond with.
00:15:09
Speaker 1: What forever in this relationship means. Forever may may mean.
00:15:14
Speaker 2: The start and then the finish of this relationship, and that is the forever of that relationship. It doesn't necessarily mean for your entire lifetime, and you have to be okay with that. You you hope that it's that it's your lifetime. I hope it's my lifetime because I plan on spending the rest of my life with Charina, and I love my family and I love everything that we have and I love the fact that when we struggle, we struggle together. When we celebrate, we celebrate together, and I love it. But stuff happens, and sometimes that path that you're on together ends, and that's okay.
00:16:11
Speaker 1: It's okay.
00:16:11
Speaker 2: It doesn't mean that you failed at it because you successfully did it for the time period that it existed, so there's no there's no failing in that you did it. Failing is being too afraid to try something. Something not working doesn't It doesn't work all it's Batteries die, you know, cars fall apart. Things last as long as they last until they don't, and then that's it, and then you sort of you sort of move on. So I think my beliefs in marriage have changed, you know. I think sometimes it's important to sit back and take a good hard look at what we have and what we expected and what we want and realize that expectation. Expectation is a tough thing to have because most of the time it lets you down. Expectations are tough. I try and live with zero expectation and I'm just open to what is, what the present is. I try and live in the moment presently, and it's surprising how many things come around that you never saw coming because you didn't bother looking like I've gotten to the point now where I don't look anymore. And so when people reach out to me and want to do things, and I end up working with people, and I end up meeting people, and I end up doing a show like this one. This wasn't on my Bengo card, a show like this one giving advice. This was never me until all of a sudden it is and I really enjoy it and people ask me really valid questions, and.
00:18:15
Speaker 1: So here I am.
00:18:15
Speaker 2: And this could evolve into something else, or this could be exactly what it's supposed to be for as long as it's supposed to be.
00:18:23
Speaker 1: So there you go, Nancy. I hope that. I hope that helped.
00:18:27
Speaker 4: Okay, I have to hear your thoughts about scheduled time to be intimate with your partner because life and kids get so busy. So I'm wondering, do you think it's a good thing or do you think it's too predictable thoughts.
00:18:43
Speaker 2: What's really funny about that is Sean and I just ended up seeing something and I wasn't sure if it was on like social media, if it was on my newsfeed if it was something that I saw on TVs. I was sort of flipping through channels at night, laying in bed, and it was talking about scheduling intimate time with each other when you have busy lives, and it seemed too premeditated and mundane, and it's, oh, well, if there's passion, this should just sort of happen on its own. And then what if I'm not in the mood when we do it when we have our scheduled time. But it was talking about scheduling, and it was saying that you know, when you schedule a specific time, whether you're in the mood or not, it's time to be intimate with your partner. And sometimes that's not sexually intimate. Sometimes that is just intimate in a way of being connected and talking to each other and listening to each other. And then sometimes that will lead to physical intimacy.
00:20:07
Speaker 1: But it's.
00:20:09
Speaker 2: About making the time consistently for it. And it was saying that, you know, you it's kind of like a muscle in anything you do in working out, in singing and dancing and whatever, that the more you do it, the more natural and normal. It feels kind of just like anything else in life, you sort of start doing something and it feels really awkward and strange. I think when you have a busy, busy life, it's important. I think it's important to make sure that you are connecting with your partner. I think if you can schedule all sorts of things, Schedule a date night, one night a week, dinner, schedule these times that are just for the two of you, where someone comes over and watches the kids, and if you can get a hotel room and stay there for the night, just to be able to sort of go to bed on your own like an adult, and wake up in the morning together and order breakfast in bed, or go to the restaurant downstairs, or these little things and then go home. Like it's not you don't have to make a vacation out of it. But I think it's really important to schedule time together. I don't think scheduling sex necessarily is is what is important.
00:21:52
Speaker 1: It's super important.
00:21:53
Speaker 2: Sex is very important, but I think just scheduling intimate time.
00:22:06
Speaker 7: Hey, there, Amy Robock and TJ Holmes here from the Amy and TJ podcast, where we are doing the exact opposite of taking a summer vacation.
00:22:13
Speaker 1: Yeah, I can't do that.
00:22:14
Speaker 7: There's entirely too much going on in the world right now to not be talking about all this stuff. Yes, drama at the White House, drama at the World Cup, drama about the Reflecting Pool, and yes, drama at the Villa Pool on Love Island. All day, every day, we have you covered with the latest breaking news in the stories everyone will be talking about. Listen to Amy and TJ on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts or wherever you listen to podcasts.
00:22:40
Speaker 2: Okay, So this next question is from Melinda, and she said, do you think men grieve divorced differently than women? Absolutely? I think men and women are wired differently. I think for men they try and reclaim some sense of who they were before the relationship that they lost, and I think for women not all times, and these are this is I'm not answering this like unequivocally like this is the way it is. But I think for the most part, women sort of grieve the loss of what was in their mind and these expectations they had of what this relationship was going to be and what it was going to become, and how long it was going to last, and how many kids they were going to have and where they create this whole story in their head and then it's sort of the death of that.
00:23:45
Speaker 5: Men.
00:23:46
Speaker 2: I think men don't fantasize as much as women do. So men are sort of just kind of in it and in a big dumb way, we're.
00:24:00
Speaker 1: Like, yeah, I love you, Like, let's just do this, and that's there.
00:24:04
Speaker 2: Isn't a Everything is much more sort of spontaneous for a man, like, oh this is happening right now. Oh cool, we're gonna buy a house. Oh we're gonna like there's no, we don't necessarily plan ahead. Some do again, not all, but some men. Some men plan ahead. But most men I believe are just sort of flying by the seat of their pants in a relationship. So I think then they they grieve the loss of a relationship in different ways.
00:24:44
Speaker 1: A divorce is it's just an extension. It's just gone further within the relationship. Oh we got married, Oh now we have kids.
00:24:56
Speaker 2: I think men, I know I I grieved the concept of missing half the life of my kids.
00:25:06
Speaker 1: That meant a lot to me. That was a big deal.
00:25:09
Speaker 2: And then I quickly realized, like, oh, man, while they are at their mom's house, I get a chance to recharge like this is really amazing. So then when they come back over I can give them all of my attention and I've spent the four days, the seven days, whatever it is, just taking care of myself and being with my partner that I have now and doing things for me, so I don't have that overwhelmed feeling the same way when my kids come back, so that I grieve that. I think women tend to grieve the loss of the future that they saw that they expected the relationship to be, much.
00:26:00
Speaker 1: More than men do. I think men.
00:26:04
Speaker 2: Men sort of they spend a lot of time stumbling around trying to pick up the pieces and feel like themselves again and feel awesome and attractive and and whole. And then otherwise they sort of keep it to themselves and they just sort of one foot in front of the other just move on, because that's.
00:26:31
Speaker 1: What men do.
00:26:33
Speaker 2: I mean, men just sort of exist sometimes, you know. I can have a really deep conversation with someone literally just sitting next to them, like never looking.
00:26:45
Speaker 1: At each other.
00:26:47
Speaker 2: I have conversations with my kids in the car and they're some of the best conversations ever because there's no pressure of like looking at each other you're just sort of in it and you're talking about stuff and then you just sort of move on. But yeah, I do absolutely think for the most part, that men grieve divorce differently than women do.
00:27:07
Speaker 1: Cool, it's going to the voicemail.
00:27:09
Speaker 6: Hi, I really just wanted to call in to get kind of the male perspective on the question I have. How can you really tell if like a guy is into you or vice versa, if he really is not into you? Okay, so guy thinks, well.
00:27:25
Speaker 2: Can you tell that a guy is really into you or not or vice versa?
00:27:31
Speaker 1: Well, I can answer.
00:27:34
Speaker 2: For you knowing whether you are really into somebody or not, because you should be able to tell that for a guy. I think it's It's interesting. I up until up until Sharna, because my ex and I were together for almost fifteen years, we were almost married, we were married for almost ten I led with physical attraction. First, I'd be physically attracted to somebody and then sort of build a relationship around that. With Sharna, now we approached it in a different way.
00:28:19
Speaker 1: I was divorced, which I didn't expect.
00:28:24
Speaker 2: I had three kids, I was a single parent, and I knew that I didn't want to repeat things that I had done.
00:28:35
Speaker 1: So I went.
00:28:39
Speaker 2: Through all sorts of therapy and all sorts of things to really figure out what it was that I brought into a relationship that was just toxic and wasn't good and wasn't helping the relationship at all. I genuinely believe that you you need to be friends with someone first. And I met. We spent six hours talking the first time we met each other. We met for breakfast a couple days later, we spent another four and a.
00:29:10
Speaker 1: Half hours talking.
00:29:12
Speaker 2: We were really really good, easy natural friends to begin with. Then we realized in being physical that we were really we really worked well together, and then it became the relationship.
00:29:31
Speaker 1: I think when you.
00:29:33
Speaker 2: Started from a place of a genuine connection with someone, then you're not so concerned about whether they are truly into you or not, because you guys are already speaking to each other in.
00:29:51
Speaker 1: A in a very transparent way.
00:29:56
Speaker 2: Sean and I talked about our best qualities are worst qualities together, we sort of put it all out on the table, and then we really liked each other after that those conversations, so for us, it was pretty apparent then, like, oh hey, we should stick with us.
00:30:15
Speaker 1: This seems to be working. So I think.
00:30:19
Speaker 2: I think your approach to a relationship is the best way to know if if it's just a purely physical connection, like oh he's you know, he's he's really good looking, and he's like, oh he's really hot, it's like, Okay, that's that's only gonna last for so long that.
00:30:45
Speaker 1: You're gonna get to a point where you go.
00:30:47
Speaker 2: I can't stand that other person, so they're not hot to me anymore. I see them, and I see all of the flaws instead.
00:30:55
Speaker 1: Of all of the positives.
00:30:58
Speaker 2: I see all of the negatives because I've just been dealing with negative for so long.
00:31:04
Speaker 1: So I would suggest.
00:31:07
Speaker 2: Really taking a look at what.
00:31:10
Speaker 1: The relationship truly is.
00:31:13
Speaker 2: And then honestly maybe deciding on your own, Like I'm putting way too much on this, Like why do I care so much if this person likes me or not? I don't really like them that much. Ask yourself some questions.
00:31:37
Speaker 8: Welcome to the Orange Doesn't Fall Far the podcast where Reality TV meets real life. I'm Tamar Judge.
00:31:44
Speaker 1: And I'm Sophia.
00:31:45
Speaker 8: Each week, we're spilling the tea on pop culture relationships, motherhood, dating, drama, and what it's really like growing up in the middle of reality TV chaos. One of us lived it. One of us survived it. Listen to The Orange Doesn't Fall Far, Available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, and wherever you get your podcast.
00:32:07
Speaker 1: Nicole. Do you think men heal before they date again or do they heal while dating?
00:32:14
Speaker 2: It's a really good question, Nicole. I think both. I think men do both. I think sometimes they heal before dating and then sometimes they healed during it. And you know, I think that they healed during it because.
00:32:38
Speaker 1: There are.
00:32:40
Speaker 2: Questions and things, conversations that they haven't really had with anybody, so they haven't gotten into.
00:32:47
Speaker 1: The weeds of what went wrong before.
00:32:51
Speaker 2: So sometimes when you're in something new and then a situation rears its ugly head like it did before, it gives you and you sort of step back and go, oh, there's that thing again.
00:33:04
Speaker 1: Cool.
00:33:05
Speaker 2: And then if you're with somebody great, then you kind of talk through it with them and you heal together with that situation. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I think if you're in a relationship with someone where you can have that that those are the things that really just continue to bring you closer, being honest about the stuff that scares you, about the stuff that really hurt before that is kind of unfinished. So instead of putting it on someone new, right, you point it out with that person. You say, hey, this is something that I went through before that really bothered.
00:33:46
Speaker 1: Me, and you sort of heal.
00:33:49
Speaker 2: Even though you're healing alone, you're sort of healing together. And then sometimes there are men that.
00:33:57
Speaker 1: Get out of something and they go, man, and I that was horrible.
00:34:03
Speaker 2: I need to fix as much as I can of the part that I played in that. So I don't do that again because I can't handle another relationship like that one.
00:34:19
Speaker 1: So I think.
00:34:21
Speaker 2: I think the answer to that question is sort of. It depends on what it is you came from and it depends on where you are. But I think I think men do both. Wow, So I talk a lot. You guys have sent me some incredible questions. I love these. I want to keep them going, but we have run out of time. So let's hold some of these over and let's do a part two of this, and we'll be back really soon for you guys to hear a little more. Three
Speaker 1: Hello, I do part two.
00:00:18
Speaker 2: It is your celebrity mentor, Brian Austin Green, and we asked you on our socials to send in questions and leave me voicemails for any sort of advice that you're needing.
00:00:29
Speaker 1: From relationships to sex and divorce.
00:00:33
Speaker 2: It's okay, I'm excited, let's dive into these today.
00:00:39
Speaker 1: Hey, this is Mary.
00:00:40
Speaker 3: I'm so glad you do this podcast. I'm recently divorced and I don't want our marriage to seem like a failure, which is what my ex husband keeps saying in front of our kids over and over. And I'm hoping for a person perspective about how we can talk to them about this just being the closing of a beautiful chapter like our relationship. It was amazing, we had children. It's ending, but it's not a failure. Please help, Thank you so much.
00:01:08
Speaker 2: So that's an that's an interesting Uh, that's an interesting question. It's an interesting kind of topic to get into.
00:01:18
Speaker 1: I So I think.
00:01:20
Speaker 2: When people get married, they tend to be on the same path in life. They're sort of going in the same direction. They figure, hey, let's team up and do this together. And then sometimes those paths separate. And the two people kind of decide that they want different things. That doesn't necessarily mean that your marriage or your relationship was a failure. It was meant to be.
00:01:49
Speaker 1: What it was.
00:01:51
Speaker 2: For you guys. You had amazing kids out of it. It. It was absolutely a path that you both were on. You were supposed to have the kids that you had, and now you're meant to move on to other things. But that doesn't mean that you guys are mad at each other or that the kids are going to be put in the middle somehow. It's that you guys have agreed that you are going to sort of move in these different directions, and you're gonna support each other, and you're gonna love each other through them. You're gonna love each other because you do. You're gonna love each other because you guys are the parents of these amazing kids. And so you are making the grown up choice of being true to yourselves and seeing what this original family will now look like in this new form. And it should be exciting for everybody. It should be exciting to see what Daddy's gonna do. It should be exciting to see what Mommy's gonna do. It should just be sort of this fun time. You know, unknown can mean scary, but it doesn't necessarily mean bad. And I think if you find the fun enjoyment in stepping forward into the unknown and making the choice as a family and as a unit to do it and support and love each other, you'd be surprised how amazing that journey can be. That was a really good one. That was a good one to start with. So we're gonna go We're gonna go back and forth between these these voicemails. And then we also had some people that just sort of wrote in questions, they didn't send us voicemails. But we want to get we want to get into both, and so I think we're going to sort of go back and forth between the two.
00:03:47
Speaker 1: We're going to alternate.
00:03:48
Speaker 2: So this next question is from Jillian, and she says, what's something that you wish men talked about more with each other about divorce and moving on?
00:03:59
Speaker 1: I wish that men were.
00:04:06
Speaker 2: There for each other in a better way, in whatever way serves the person dealing with the divorce, whatever it is they need. Sometimes you need just a person to vent to, to sound off to, and sometimes you need advice. I feel sometimes like because men aren't good at communicating necessarily that they don't really know how to be there for a friend of theirs and how to provide guidance or or just you know, someone to listen to, just sort of a rock, just a person there that loves them no matter what. I don't feel like men sometimes know how to provide that, because men, uh, it's in our nature to want to fix things, and sometimes being in that mode of wanting to fix everything will get in the way of someone not needing to be fixed, someone just needing to have someone that listens really well, that will sit back and hold space for them and listen. And you know, sometimes you know, just in just in speaking out loud, you sometimes answer your own questions. You know, it's you just need to hear yourself talking about it out loud instead of in your own head, because sometimes in your own head you you sort of try and micromanage things, and you you try and almost figure out as you're going, which isn't necessarily the best way to do it. Sometimes it's best to lay it all out there, say it all, and then you get to the end and you go, ooh, you know what, hearing myself having said all of that I feel differently about it. So I wish men. I wish men listened better and held space, because sometimes that is the support that other men need, especially in going through divorce and moving on. Because it's unknown, it's an unknown time. Let's move on to the next voicemail.
00:06:39
Speaker 4: Hi, Brian, So I have a question for you.
00:06:42
Speaker 5: I just want to know. I just recently started dating a guy and I met him all with a dating app, and I trust him and I feel like he's a really good guy. But we're probably going to make it official soon, and I just want to know. Is it ever pay to look through somebody's text messages just.
00:07:05
Speaker 6: To confirm or.
00:07:10
Speaker 4: Not confirm any suspicions. I'm just I'm a little worried that he got.
00:07:16
Speaker 5: Into this too quickly after a past relationship, and I'm kind of tempted to look through his text messages.
00:07:25
Speaker 4: Is that always breaking a boundary?
00:07:27
Speaker 5: Or is it ever?
00:07:28
Speaker 2: Okay? Thanks, That's that's a really good question. I don't okay, this is I can answer. I'm going to have to answer this in a few parts for you. I think if you are brand new in a relationship and you're not even to the point where you're you've made it official with other people, something's wrong if you're feeling the need to go through that person's text messages, I think it's important for you to take a step back from it and decide how much is.
00:08:08
Speaker 1: Truly the other person, and how much.
00:08:11
Speaker 2: Of it is your own stuff, how much of that you are carrying in from past situations, all of these red flags, all of these things that you worry about that can become complicated, Like I know, I know people sort of they feel like they've learned as they've loved and they've been through these relationships, and you start collecting these red flags and these things to look out for, and ooh, as soon as I see anything that is remotely similar to what I went through before, I'm automatically going to go there because I'm prepared, because I know. I think the problem with that that I wouldn't even say, sometimes say most of the time, is that you are holding this new person in your life responsible for things that happened to you before, and it's not really a fair pressure to put on them. When I look back on, honestly, the best relationships in my life up until the one I'm in now, the one that was the best was my very first one because I just loved I didn't have the red flags. I was in it completely. I gave all of myself. I absolutely loved the relationship and it absolutely devastated me when it was over. But like, what do you what do you really want from life? You know, what do you what do you want from this relationship? Do you want something that is that you can truly be in and and love a thousand percent? Or do you want something that you are half in and half out of because of previous situations that have hurt you. I think that's sort of a decision that you have to make. I think when you've been in a relationship long term with someone and there are things that continue to go on and you start really having genuine suspicions of the person. To me a healthy relationship, everything's open. Sharna can go through my phone, she can go through my emails, she can go through absolutely everything that I have. I don't hide any of it, and I love the feeling of her being able to do that and know that she's not going to find anything that's going to upset her. I make very clear in my life that I'm not going to make any choices that would hurt her feelings or negatively affect her. I don't make any choices that compromise the relationship in any way. So you know, I think there's a I think there's a time and a place for checking text messages. I don't think now's the time. If you guys are this early.
00:11:24
Speaker 1: On in a relationship.
00:11:27
Speaker 2: Feeling the need to do that already is there's way more going on than that. Honestly, my advice if I were in your shoes is to sit down with him and have this exact conversation and say, I am beyond worried that you aren't ready for the relationship that I am ready for that I want that, I feel like I want to be in with you. I was to the point where I wanted to start checking your messages and going through because I am terrified of who you are that I don't know about, and open that conversation. I think, you know, you might be surprised what comes out of that, because a the really tough answers that you aren't sure you're ready for could come, or it could open up a conversation that then brings you guys way closer than you were before and now he has a better understanding of you. He knows that you are someone that will come to him first and talk to him. I mean, I honestly believe that checking text messages and going through stut that's sort of a last resort. That is, if you've done absolutely everything else, and you shouldn't be at that point right now. This relationship sounds way too way too early. So that is I would have that conversation. I think for you at least that would provide the answers that you need. You'd get a much better sense of what it is you're in having that conversation, and then you can sort of decipher what your feelings are after that instead of sort of just going in blindly and going I'm not sure if I trust this or not. So I hope that answered your question.
00:13:38
Speaker 1: This is a.
00:13:38
Speaker 2: Question from Nancy. She says, what's something you believed about marriage before you're divorced that you no longer believe. It's a good question, Nancy. You know, I had this belief before I got married that it's something that you do once you decide that you're going to get married, and you play on doing that for the rest of your life.
00:14:01
Speaker 1: I mean, that is in your vows.
00:14:04
Speaker 2: You say for better or for worse, till death do us part, and I think that is sort of the intention. And then the marriage doesn't work out and you start questioning if that is, if that's real or not, And I did, I questioned it.
00:14:25
Speaker 1: I don't anymore. I truly believe.
00:14:30
Speaker 2: That a marriage, if you choose to be married, if you choose to just be in a long term relationship with someone, I feel like that situation absolutely happens for a reason in your life, and there are amazing things that are going to come out of that. You have to be sort of open to the fact that sometimes your thoughts and your your definition of forever, uh, it doesn't actually correspond with.
00:15:09
Speaker 1: What forever in this relationship means. Forever may may mean.
00:15:14
Speaker 2: The start and then the finish of this relationship, and that is the forever of that relationship. It doesn't necessarily mean for your entire lifetime, and you have to be okay with that. You you hope that it's that it's your lifetime. I hope it's my lifetime because I plan on spending the rest of my life with Charina, and I love my family and I love everything that we have and I love the fact that when we struggle, we struggle together. When we celebrate, we celebrate together, and I love it. But stuff happens, and sometimes that path that you're on together ends, and that's okay.
00:16:11
Speaker 1: It's okay.
00:16:11
Speaker 2: It doesn't mean that you failed at it because you successfully did it for the time period that it existed, so there's no there's no failing in that you did it. Failing is being too afraid to try something. Something not working doesn't It doesn't work all it's Batteries die, you know, cars fall apart. Things last as long as they last until they don't, and then that's it, and then you sort of you sort of move on. So I think my beliefs in marriage have changed, you know. I think sometimes it's important to sit back and take a good hard look at what we have and what we expected and what we want and realize that expectation. Expectation is a tough thing to have because most of the time it lets you down. Expectations are tough. I try and live with zero expectation and I'm just open to what is, what the present is. I try and live in the moment presently, and it's surprising how many things come around that you never saw coming because you didn't bother looking like I've gotten to the point now where I don't look anymore. And so when people reach out to me and want to do things, and I end up working with people, and I end up meeting people, and I end up doing a show like this one. This wasn't on my Bengo card, a show like this one giving advice. This was never me until all of a sudden it is and I really enjoy it and people ask me really valid questions, and.
00:18:15
Speaker 1: So here I am.
00:18:15
Speaker 2: And this could evolve into something else, or this could be exactly what it's supposed to be for as long as it's supposed to be.
00:18:23
Speaker 1: So there you go, Nancy. I hope that. I hope that helped.
00:18:27
Speaker 4: Okay, I have to hear your thoughts about scheduled time to be intimate with your partner because life and kids get so busy. So I'm wondering, do you think it's a good thing or do you think it's too predictable thoughts.
00:18:43
Speaker 2: What's really funny about that is Sean and I just ended up seeing something and I wasn't sure if it was on like social media, if it was on my newsfeed if it was something that I saw on TVs. I was sort of flipping through channels at night, laying in bed, and it was talking about scheduling intimate time with each other when you have busy lives, and it seemed too premeditated and mundane, and it's, oh, well, if there's passion, this should just sort of happen on its own. And then what if I'm not in the mood when we do it when we have our scheduled time. But it was talking about scheduling, and it was saying that you know, when you schedule a specific time, whether you're in the mood or not, it's time to be intimate with your partner. And sometimes that's not sexually intimate. Sometimes that is just intimate in a way of being connected and talking to each other and listening to each other. And then sometimes that will lead to physical intimacy.
00:20:07
Speaker 1: But it's.
00:20:09
Speaker 2: About making the time consistently for it. And it was saying that, you know, you it's kind of like a muscle in anything you do in working out, in singing and dancing and whatever, that the more you do it, the more natural and normal. It feels kind of just like anything else in life, you sort of start doing something and it feels really awkward and strange. I think when you have a busy, busy life, it's important. I think it's important to make sure that you are connecting with your partner. I think if you can schedule all sorts of things, Schedule a date night, one night a week, dinner, schedule these times that are just for the two of you, where someone comes over and watches the kids, and if you can get a hotel room and stay there for the night, just to be able to sort of go to bed on your own like an adult, and wake up in the morning together and order breakfast in bed, or go to the restaurant downstairs, or these little things and then go home. Like it's not you don't have to make a vacation out of it. But I think it's really important to schedule time together. I don't think scheduling sex necessarily is is what is important.
00:21:52
Speaker 1: It's super important.
00:21:53
Speaker 2: Sex is very important, but I think just scheduling intimate time.
00:22:06
Speaker 7: Hey, there, Amy Robock and TJ Holmes here from the Amy and TJ podcast, where we are doing the exact opposite of taking a summer vacation.
00:22:13
Speaker 1: Yeah, I can't do that.
00:22:14
Speaker 7: There's entirely too much going on in the world right now to not be talking about all this stuff. Yes, drama at the White House, drama at the World Cup, drama about the Reflecting Pool, and yes, drama at the Villa Pool on Love Island. All day, every day, we have you covered with the latest breaking news in the stories everyone will be talking about. Listen to Amy and TJ on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts or wherever you listen to podcasts.
00:22:40
Speaker 2: Okay, So this next question is from Melinda, and she said, do you think men grieve divorced differently than women? Absolutely? I think men and women are wired differently. I think for men they try and reclaim some sense of who they were before the relationship that they lost, and I think for women not all times, and these are this is I'm not answering this like unequivocally like this is the way it is. But I think for the most part, women sort of grieve the loss of what was in their mind and these expectations they had of what this relationship was going to be and what it was going to become, and how long it was going to last, and how many kids they were going to have and where they create this whole story in their head and then it's sort of the death of that.
00:23:45
Speaker 5: Men.
00:23:46
Speaker 2: I think men don't fantasize as much as women do. So men are sort of just kind of in it and in a big dumb way, we're.
00:24:00
Speaker 1: Like, yeah, I love you, Like, let's just do this, and that's there.
00:24:04
Speaker 2: Isn't a Everything is much more sort of spontaneous for a man, like, oh this is happening right now. Oh cool, we're gonna buy a house. Oh we're gonna like there's no, we don't necessarily plan ahead. Some do again, not all, but some men. Some men plan ahead. But most men I believe are just sort of flying by the seat of their pants in a relationship. So I think then they they grieve the loss of a relationship in different ways.
00:24:44
Speaker 1: A divorce is it's just an extension. It's just gone further within the relationship. Oh we got married, Oh now we have kids.
00:24:56
Speaker 2: I think men, I know I I grieved the concept of missing half the life of my kids.
00:25:06
Speaker 1: That meant a lot to me. That was a big deal.
00:25:09
Speaker 2: And then I quickly realized, like, oh, man, while they are at their mom's house, I get a chance to recharge like this is really amazing. So then when they come back over I can give them all of my attention and I've spent the four days, the seven days, whatever it is, just taking care of myself and being with my partner that I have now and doing things for me, so I don't have that overwhelmed feeling the same way when my kids come back, so that I grieve that. I think women tend to grieve the loss of the future that they saw that they expected the relationship to be, much.
00:26:00
Speaker 1: More than men do. I think men.
00:26:04
Speaker 2: Men sort of they spend a lot of time stumbling around trying to pick up the pieces and feel like themselves again and feel awesome and attractive and and whole. And then otherwise they sort of keep it to themselves and they just sort of one foot in front of the other just move on, because that's.
00:26:31
Speaker 1: What men do.
00:26:33
Speaker 2: I mean, men just sort of exist sometimes, you know. I can have a really deep conversation with someone literally just sitting next to them, like never looking.
00:26:45
Speaker 1: At each other.
00:26:47
Speaker 2: I have conversations with my kids in the car and they're some of the best conversations ever because there's no pressure of like looking at each other you're just sort of in it and you're talking about stuff and then you just sort of move on. But yeah, I do absolutely think for the most part, that men grieve divorce differently than women do.
00:27:07
Speaker 1: Cool, it's going to the voicemail.
00:27:09
Speaker 6: Hi, I really just wanted to call in to get kind of the male perspective on the question I have. How can you really tell if like a guy is into you or vice versa, if he really is not into you? Okay, so guy thinks, well.
00:27:25
Speaker 2: Can you tell that a guy is really into you or not or vice versa?
00:27:31
Speaker 1: Well, I can answer.
00:27:34
Speaker 2: For you knowing whether you are really into somebody or not, because you should be able to tell that for a guy. I think it's It's interesting. I up until up until Sharna, because my ex and I were together for almost fifteen years, we were almost married, we were married for almost ten I led with physical attraction. First, I'd be physically attracted to somebody and then sort of build a relationship around that. With Sharna, now we approached it in a different way.
00:28:19
Speaker 1: I was divorced, which I didn't expect.
00:28:24
Speaker 2: I had three kids, I was a single parent, and I knew that I didn't want to repeat things that I had done.
00:28:35
Speaker 1: So I went.
00:28:39
Speaker 2: Through all sorts of therapy and all sorts of things to really figure out what it was that I brought into a relationship that was just toxic and wasn't good and wasn't helping the relationship at all. I genuinely believe that you you need to be friends with someone first. And I met. We spent six hours talking the first time we met each other. We met for breakfast a couple days later, we spent another four and a.
00:29:10
Speaker 1: Half hours talking.
00:29:12
Speaker 2: We were really really good, easy natural friends to begin with. Then we realized in being physical that we were really we really worked well together, and then it became the relationship.
00:29:31
Speaker 1: I think when you.
00:29:33
Speaker 2: Started from a place of a genuine connection with someone, then you're not so concerned about whether they are truly into you or not, because you guys are already speaking to each other in.
00:29:51
Speaker 1: A in a very transparent way.
00:29:56
Speaker 2: Sean and I talked about our best qualities are worst qualities together, we sort of put it all out on the table, and then we really liked each other after that those conversations, so for us, it was pretty apparent then, like, oh hey, we should stick with us.
00:30:15
Speaker 1: This seems to be working. So I think.
00:30:19
Speaker 2: I think your approach to a relationship is the best way to know if if it's just a purely physical connection, like oh he's you know, he's he's really good looking, and he's like, oh he's really hot, it's like, Okay, that's that's only gonna last for so long that.
00:30:45
Speaker 1: You're gonna get to a point where you go.
00:30:47
Speaker 2: I can't stand that other person, so they're not hot to me anymore. I see them, and I see all of the flaws instead.
00:30:55
Speaker 1: Of all of the positives.
00:30:58
Speaker 2: I see all of the negatives because I've just been dealing with negative for so long.
00:31:04
Speaker 1: So I would suggest.
00:31:07
Speaker 2: Really taking a look at what.
00:31:10
Speaker 1: The relationship truly is.
00:31:13
Speaker 2: And then honestly maybe deciding on your own, Like I'm putting way too much on this, Like why do I care so much if this person likes me or not? I don't really like them that much. Ask yourself some questions.
00:31:37
Speaker 8: Welcome to the Orange Doesn't Fall Far the podcast where Reality TV meets real life. I'm Tamar Judge.
00:31:44
Speaker 1: And I'm Sophia.
00:31:45
Speaker 8: Each week, we're spilling the tea on pop culture relationships, motherhood, dating, drama, and what it's really like growing up in the middle of reality TV chaos. One of us lived it. One of us survived it. Listen to The Orange Doesn't Fall Far, Available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, and wherever you get your podcast.
00:32:07
Speaker 1: Nicole. Do you think men heal before they date again or do they heal while dating?
00:32:14
Speaker 2: It's a really good question, Nicole. I think both. I think men do both. I think sometimes they heal before dating and then sometimes they healed during it. And you know, I think that they healed during it because.
00:32:38
Speaker 1: There are.
00:32:40
Speaker 2: Questions and things, conversations that they haven't really had with anybody, so they haven't gotten into.
00:32:47
Speaker 1: The weeds of what went wrong before.
00:32:51
Speaker 2: So sometimes when you're in something new and then a situation rears its ugly head like it did before, it gives you and you sort of step back and go, oh, there's that thing again.
00:33:04
Speaker 1: Cool.
00:33:05
Speaker 2: And then if you're with somebody great, then you kind of talk through it with them and you heal together with that situation. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I think if you're in a relationship with someone where you can have that that those are the things that really just continue to bring you closer, being honest about the stuff that scares you, about the stuff that really hurt before that is kind of unfinished. So instead of putting it on someone new, right, you point it out with that person. You say, hey, this is something that I went through before that really bothered.
00:33:46
Speaker 1: Me, and you sort of heal.
00:33:49
Speaker 2: Even though you're healing alone, you're sort of healing together. And then sometimes there are men that.
00:33:57
Speaker 1: Get out of something and they go, man, and I that was horrible.
00:34:03
Speaker 2: I need to fix as much as I can of the part that I played in that. So I don't do that again because I can't handle another relationship like that one.
00:34:19
Speaker 1: So I think.
00:34:21
Speaker 2: I think the answer to that question is sort of. It depends on what it is you came from and it depends on where you are. But I think I think men do both. Wow, So I talk a lot. You guys have sent me some incredible questions. I love these. I want to keep them going, but we have run out of time. So let's hold some of these over and let's do a part two of this, and we'll be back really soon for you guys to hear a little more. Three