Ask Amy & T.J.: “I Think I’ve Found The Love Of My Life. The Problem? He Lives In France.  Should We Become 90 Day Fiancés?”

00:00:02
Speaker 1: Hey, there're folks. It is Monday, September fifteenth. As we all know, long distance relationships can be difficult. That's why Anna wrote into us asking for some help. You see, she's in a long distance relationship with a guy she hasn't been seeing that long the distance Oregon to France. And with that, welcome to this relationship edition of Amy and TJ. It's the Ask Amy and TJ Edition. We have a new relationship column that posted today on Yahoo dot com and the Life section and robes this. She has some unique issues here, Anna who wrote into us. But isn't this a thing? Always is a long distance a something? Isn't it something that sometimes trips up relationships.

00:00:48
Speaker 2: Without a doubt? I mean, if you don't have access to the person you love, it's kind of hard. I mean you can't physically touch them, you can't hug them. And yes, in the beginning of a relationship where everything is rosy and you're putting your best foot forward in a weird way because you're far apart, you hide any ugliness you have for sure, because we all have it, And so you don't actually get to know the real person. You're not forced to have to like deal with their bad habits or you know what I mean, Like, it's almost you get a long lens view and you don't see all the details.

00:01:25
Speaker 1: I wanted to use something you said, How did you just put it? It stopped me in my tracks when you said it. You have to have access. What do you mean by that when you have access to someone? Because there are people in relationships now who live in the same town, who might be living in the same house and don't feel like they have access sometimes to their significant other. What do you mean by that?

00:01:46
Speaker 2: I mean that being able to physically connect to somebody is a huge part of a relationship, touch, feel, sex, all of it. Like that is integral to knowing if you you are with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. If you don't have physical access to the person you love, I do think it's hard to get a realistic idea of how successful you may be. And maybe I'm wrong, call me right, That's just my thought. Like, I can't imagine being able to to feel confident in us in our relationship if I was never with you physically.

00:02:26
Speaker 1: Okay, then what's the argument for when people come back and say, well, you should need that we're in love, we know how we feel, and we don't have to be up under each other all the time.

00:02:37
Speaker 2: Yeah. Well, you're in love with the idea of someone, but if you're not physically around them, you don't really know them in a way. Like it's a huge difference.

00:02:45
Speaker 1: All right, So now let's get in Dana. Actually, let me ask you for have you ever done long distance before, a long distance relationship for an extended period where.

00:02:53
Speaker 2: It was I, Yes, I for a for a year for you, And what it taught me was actually I didn't follow through with what it taught me that I was fine far away. That should have been a red flag, Oh boy, but yes I did. I had a year.

00:03:13
Speaker 1: Absence didn't make the heart, girl found it made the heart realize what it was doing. Correct, Okay?

00:03:18
Speaker 2: Correct?

00:03:18
Speaker 1: Or I even asked, all right, let's get back into Anna. Here. Anna wrote into us with a question for us about her relation. Like I got t used off the top, folks, this is not just long distance. The distance they'll have it right the West coast to France.

00:03:31
Speaker 2: It's pretty far, okay. Yeah, Like even if she were in New York or somewhere on the East coast, it wouldn't feel as far away. But you add another six hours to the flight that's already going to be six to eight hours. Now you're talking fourteen to fifteen hours. That is significant.

00:03:48
Speaker 1: Hey, the heart wants what the heart.

00:03:50
Speaker 2: Wants, they say, don't they? They do say that. But this was funny because we are huge. I say funny because when this question came to us, the first thing I thought it was ninety day fiance. First thing, because this happens all the time on one of our favorite television At.

00:04:06
Speaker 1: Least, the scenario as she described sounds awfully familiar. I don't want to judge this lady. Yeah, ladies five situation. She's twenty five, and here is our question. She wrote into us, asking Amy and TJ. I am a twenty five year old woman and have been dating the love of my life for eight months. But there's one problem. He lives in France and I live in Oregon. We've only met in person twice, once on a two week road trip here in the US, once when I visited him, and I don't speak French, so I can't communicate with his parents. But I'm convinced he's the one. He's willing to move to the US, but getting a job on a sponsored visa is almost impossible these days. Should I apply for the fiance visa? Do I marry him so he can move here? And hope for the best?

00:05:00
Speaker 2: Anna? That last line made me nervous even reading it. Yeah, hope for the.

00:05:07
Speaker 1: Best that you know what? Sometimes what it's people say sometimes take a chance in life. Take this is a huge chance. Do it at twenty five because you're young enough. I am not saying she's gonna this is a mistake. I would tell my twenty five year old daughter it's a mistake. But what do you say to a stranger who was convinced of something. All you can do, as far as advice goes, right Robes, is just to support best you can be honest without being mean. We're trying to respect where she is and how she feels. But a couple of things in there to say I'm dating the love of my life and then to say eight months that's a little quick. And then yes, that last line. How much do you do anywhere in life where you make a decision and you hope for the best, you just gonna throw it to the wind.

00:05:56
Speaker 2: Cross my fingers here on this one.

00:05:58
Speaker 1: You know what it sounded like, cross my finger. Yeah, this is not across my finger situation.

00:06:02
Speaker 2: It's not because and look, the only reason why we even know a little bit about this process is because again we watch ninety Day Fiance. But I think, at the end of the day, look, I'm never going to tell somebody not to go for love, not to follow their heart, not to see what happens. Life is short. All of the above I fully fully agree with. But once, if you get him over here and he comes over and say it doesn't work out, does she recognize some of the things that are associated with that visa? You are financially responsible for that person, so he wouldn't be able to work initially, that is true, And so she has to know that she is taking on financial responsibility for another human being. And what does that do to your love? What does that do to your relationship? There are so many things that affect feelings, and resentment I know could be a part of it. If he can't work, and he may think this is so exciting to be in the United States of America, But then he gets here and he moves to Oregon, a place he may have never been before, and he can't work, and he's stuck inside a house with no friends, no family, no job. All we've seen all of this play out on that show, because it's not anything anyone anticipates because they're so in love and they're so excited about being together and that meeting at the airport when you pick up your new fiance with the sign and it's so exciting, and then it doesn't even take a week before all of a sudden reality sets in. So I guess I would just say she really needs I really said she should watch the show. First of all, she hasn't, and second, she really needs to ask herself if financially she can take this on.

00:07:39
Speaker 1: There is a chance she wouldn't get the VS anyway, because she can't prove she can financially support another grown.

00:07:44
Speaker 2: Correct, it's possible.

00:07:45
Speaker 1: Yeah, I assume that she's If she's written into us, then she's done a little research on the matter, so maybe she knows this is a possibility. I was trying to desperately find ways to be supportive and encouraging, Like if we're making a list of pros and hans or checks and exes, I mean, what would you say to her supportive Okay, this is what you do. This is why this could be a good idea, Like where are the I'm looking for the ways to go go for it girl like, hell yeah, love only comes along every so I'm looking for that kind of thing that I don't have. All I have is caution in talking to her. I don't want to judge the relationship she has at all and how she feels. But eight months is very very fast. Even if that person lived down the street from you, eight months just isn't a lot of time. Even if you spend a lot of time with them, eight months is just not enough time to establish a foundation in my experience that can lead to a lasting relationship.

00:08:46
Speaker 2: Yes, I think that's something you consider. And also we say eight months, and you pointed out if you lived in the same city that would still be quick. But think about this. In those eight months, she says in the letter, they've only met in person twice, once on a two week trip and once when I visited him. So she didn't say for how long, but let's say it was a week, because that's usually how long trips are when you can get away from work, etc. So in those eight months, she has physically been with him for three weeks, and I'm just saying, during those three weeks, of course you're putting your best foot forward. Of course you're being the best version of yourself. You haven't had time to get snippy, or be in a bad mood, or deal with pressure or stress in a way that could, at least somehow maybe make things look a little less shiny, bright and new, and you're getting to see the actual person in good times and in bad. We need to know all of those reactions to life. And look, I have had a relationship where none of that bad stuff had happened until the actual marriage began, and then it came with a frenzy, like it was overwhelming, the difference between dating and marriage. It's like if you haven't had a fight, that's another thing. You know, some people you could never have a fight and get married and not know what it's like to argue with the person. I've had that experience, and then once you get married, you're like, wait, what is happening? What? I don't know how to handle this. We've never fought before, and all of a sudden, now all we're doing is fighting because it was almost as if it and I just wonder if they've had a fight, if they've had a disagreement, if they've been emotional around each other, because those are all really important things to know before you get engaged. And granted, if she's getting engaged to him, obviously she doesn't have to marry him. But three months is a ticking time bomb. That is so that's so much pressure though, Like you have three months to decide if you want to marry this person. That is so much pressure. I feel for anyone who's in this position, if you fall in love with somebody who lives in another country, because that is so much pressure.

00:10:54
Speaker 1: Let me ask it this way, where would you ever make an argument that love is all you? Can you ever say to someone who is so in love that say, hey, the rest of it is just gonna work itself out. If you love this person, you have got to go for it, take your chance.

00:11:14
Speaker 2: I do believe that to an extent, and I do believe the way that works is if both people truly feel that way, and both people are prepared to love through pain and to love through difficulty, and have the disposition and willingness to love somebody even when it's hard. It's very easy to love somebody when everything's fun and new and exciting. Yes, that feeling, that rush, it's incredible. But I think a lot of experts will tell you, and I feel like I have come to this belief as I have gone through many relationships, that that isn't really love. That initial rush, that initial joy, that initial ecstasy is just that. It's a feeling of lust, of attractiveness, of excitement. But love comes when it's hard. Love is, and you decide love is. I think love is a very different thing than that first year of excitement and newness.

00:12:06
Speaker 1: You gotta start on somewhere, you do.

00:12:08
Speaker 2: I agree, and thank god she has that, because plenty of people have been in relationships where you never got that, you never had that lightning bulk.

00:12:15
Speaker 1: You just nailed it for me, you nailed Why I can encourage this, young lady is because if you have found something that that's surreal and that's special and makes you feel this good, then relish that in that moment for however you can. That is a big deal. A lot of people end up dating, start and never necessarily get that full effect. Maybe it's fine, but if she's having that experience, there you go and.

00:12:37
Speaker 2: There's no better feeling in the world like it is. And look, I could have easily gone through life and never actually known what it felt like where you would do anything to be with somebody. And that is such a beautiful thing to feel, that willingness to sacrifice, that willingness to say I will do this, I will take this on because I so desperately want to breathe the same air as you. That is such a beautiful feeling. And I hear you like the she just has to be prepared for the worst case scenario and just have a have a plan and have a way forward. But it sounds like she's head over heels.

00:13:12
Speaker 1: What's the thing we all we preach this on our podcasts that you don't and people always expect the worst? Right do you expect the bad thing is going to happen? And we tell people all the time, how what a change in your life and attitude if you expect the best to happen. What if she didn't expect the worst, Maybe she didn't expect a divorce or it to go badly for them to break up. What if we say, hey, why don't we just why don't we say this is going to go well?

00:13:45
Speaker 2: It very well could, and it's exciting that she's met somebody who she feels that strongly about.

00:13:49
Speaker 1: But stay with her us here, folks, because truth of the matter is, we don't feel good about this, and we're going to explain why, and gives some pretty speci pacific examples from our ninety day Fiance watching that if this young lady watch that show, she might feel differently about mister French.

00:14:12
Speaker 2: And welcome back to this edition of Amy and TJ. This is our Ask Amy and TJ episode for the week where we have Anna writing to us. She is madly in love. She met the love of her life. The problem is he lives in France and she lives in Oregon, and adding to that, she doesn't speak French at all, so she cannot communicate with any member of his family. And I'm assuming he can speak English pretty well, so they at least can communicate back and forth. But she wants to know should she apply for a fiance visa to bring him here to the United States so they can live happily.

00:14:55
Speaker 1: Ever after again, eight months saveman dating in the total of it looks.

00:14:59
Speaker 2: For three weeks together physically, and I'm sure you know they FaceTime every day and all of that. But she's twenty five. That is still pretty dang young.

00:15:08
Speaker 1: We don't have a lot of details. I would have questions about her dating history. How old is he, what does he do for a living? How can he just up and move? What is his skill? What do her family and friends say about all this? I would like to ask all those details. But Robes, this was we say, it's personal to us. That's a weird way to put it, but if anybody listens to us, it's been clear. We don't watch a lot of TV shows, but we watch a lot of reality dating shows. In particular, we do, and that have to do with long term marriage, not just Love Island or Hot for TV whatever. Yeah, we actually watch where marriage is the end goal, married at first sight and certainly ninety day fiance. It's called that, Robes, and I should know because once you get a fiance visa, that person that is your fiancee, they coming from somewhere else, hits the ground in the United States. Like you just said, the clock is ticking, yes, And we have seen this play out so poorly, so badly. We have seen exact scenarios where people have not been dating long and have spent over years only a couple weeks together and say they are madly in love. And why do I think it's usually a guy is the one who wants to come over.

00:16:30
Speaker 2: Why am I thinking that? And a lot of them that is the case, because we see a lot of women and they've met met, But there's also a plenty of men who have gone and met women who have been anywhere from Eastern Europe to Asia. We've seen from all over the world, a lot less European more other countries. But I even told Anna in my advice to her on the column this week, I said, you should try watching ninety Day Fiance and stop watching rom coms. And I say that, and I've talked about this before, but I do think and I was absolutely a part of this where we really get we really do get this, this fairy tale fantasy planted in our heads. I can speak for myself that you think, especially when you're younger, that you're going to meet the man of your dreams, and not that you think everything's going to be perfect, but you think that this is going to be a He's going to be there to be my prince and be my night and shining armor and he's going to rescue me from whatever life I'm living in right now, and we're going to just be madly in love and have kids and just be that Instagram family that I see everyone else have and I want that too, And this is how I get it, and I get that that we're all sold that story. But when you watch ninety dight Fiance, and I laugh because it's kind of amazing and how tough it is for everybody, because relationships are already tough, but now you add someone else's culture, someone else's lonely or feeling ostracized from their family, someone feels like they're not able to contribute. Someone feels like they're doing all the work, and they're annoyed that they basically now have someone they have to watch out for and take care of and manage because they don't have a way or know how to get around this country. So, yeah, we've seen it all. Plan it's hard. It's really, really really hard.

00:18:19
Speaker 1: More times than not, we have seen disasters with these relationships, and it often does later on, it's somebody there, an accusation comes, He's been using me the whole time. He was just trying to get to the United States. I remember one particular couple that everybody didn't seem to really like. This woman she was from the South, brother from Africa. I'm not going to use all their name. Hey, they've been out there, but I'm not trying to single them out. But I'm saying we saw a disaster with those two into where she was desperate to get him over here, and they hadn't been together, spent that much time together, but they've been together years even anyway, I'm using this example and one I remember to where he did he run from her here in the US or something like he went bonkers.

00:19:07
Speaker 2: It went sideways and they were married for seven years, I believe, and we're back and forth long distance. When he finally came over, and as soon as he came over, it was pretty much a disaster from the story.

00:19:16
Speaker 1: Is that, right? They got married and then he couldn't come over for a while, right, and when he finally did.

00:19:21
Speaker 2: Could put exactly And look, that doesn't necessarily have to be the case, but I just think that, Look, as much as I love love there, there does have to be some practicality and some expectations, some realistic expectations about what will happen. And what could happen. But I you know, I love I love the idea of going for yes, going for broke, and following your heart and giving it a try. I just would if this from my daughter, obviously I would feel the same as you. I would really try to discourage her. But I also at the same time would say, just right out a list of pros and co right, show me that you've got to plan financially to see this through. Yeah, and if you've really thought it through and you've been really smart about it, your feelings are there, right, But if you just can that logic side of your brain that I know I don't use often sometimes, But if you can put it down on paper and really study it and just know what you're getting into, and if you go into it with your eyes wide open and you follow your hearts, it'd be amazing if it all worked out. And if it doesn't, at least you're prepared. You actually know that you made a decision based on a lot of thought and not just a lot of feeling. You need both.

00:20:35
Speaker 1: But that's a good that's again, that's more good advice and seeing what happens. I hate to discourage someone for going for a relationship that they want, but you have to be practical about it and be prepared. Okay, this might not work out. We make a decision. How many decisions do you make every single day? And you know this might not work out? Yeah, and you do it anyway, and it's hard. And again I'm talking to Anna because this woman is not mine child, But it would be very hard to sit by and watch someone that you love do something that you do.

00:21:06
Speaker 2: Think.

00:21:07
Speaker 1: Let's okay, can we haven't even said this? It sounds nuts. Yeah, wait, you've you've you've seen him for three weeks in your life and you've only known him for eight months. And he lives in France. He might even live on the east side of France. He might be way even farther away if possible.

00:21:23
Speaker 2: So yeah, no one said Paris, so we don't even know how to get there.

00:21:27
Speaker 1: He would have said Paris.

00:21:28
Speaker 2: She would have said Paris, and I would have moved there, Like, yeah, it was Oregon or Paris. I'm going with Paris.

00:21:35
Speaker 1: Oregon. It's lovely. It is lovely, lovely part of the country, a little dreary at times, but Anna, good luck to you. This is one out of all we've done. I think I want to talk to her more than anybody else that's written in. I have so many questions.

00:21:50
Speaker 2: I want to know how they met, that's I think. And I do want to know how old he is. I do want to know he does what he does for a living. You know, it's funny one of the ninety Days we've been watching and we've been kind of off our watching habits recently, but the woman was from Paris and he was from New Hampshire and we're in the middle of it right now. Things are rocky for all of the reasons why we just mentioned. She feels like she's alone, she feels ostracized. She has a child with him too, so there is another tie that binds. But she is definitely feeling like why am I here in this state of New Hampshire when I could be in Paris and his kids can't stand her, and it's just there's so many things that can go on, so at least in twenty five it sounds like hopefully starting a new There isn't and there aren't children involved yet, So you know what, you're young, You're in love, as long as you try to make sure you've got your financial your financial business in order, then yeah, I mean, if there was ever a time to go for it. How they meet, I don't know how they.

00:22:51
Speaker 1: Be because let me remind that a big part of ninety de fiance oftentimes is their meeting online. Right they are specifically going to websites fine foreigners to date. What's that the case? Because somebody's from Paris, somebody's from Oregon or France, excuse me that she happened to travel there and they bumped into each other. They bump into each other in the United States. Anybody from France heading over.

00:23:16
Speaker 2: To them, It's likely unlikely.

00:23:19
Speaker 1: So that's something to keep in mind. So my last advice to her watch ninety Day Fiance. You might recognize some parallels in there to your own relationship. There is a ninety Day Fiance version a spinoff about the Caribbean or something or the island, where it specifically focuses on guys who work at resorts who are actually praying on women in other countries. We've seen that, So I encourage Anna watch that show. Keep that heart as open as you can, but keep that mind as open as well.

00:23:54
Speaker 2: Exactly, And I actually am really looking forward to the comments that we hope some of you will leave, because I imagine there are a lot of people who have a very similar situation or have walked down that road, who would be able to say, hey, here are the trappings, here's what to avoid, here's what to do, here's what not to do. I'm actually really looking forward to reading the comments on this one. But if you haven't read the article, please we encourage you head over to yahoo dot com Live section, click on ask Amy and TJ and you can read away and again, please please, please, if you have some thoughts, if you have some advice, and if you've actually gone down this road before, we would love to hear from you. So thank you so much for listening to this episode of Amy and TJ. I'm Amy Robot alongside TJ Holmes. Have a great day, everybody,