Aug. 8, 2026
7 Signs Your Marriage/Relationship May Be Over
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RSS Feed This is a fascinating conversation spawned from a Yahoo article this week that details the small, and sometimes invisible signs your relationship is done. Having lived through breakups and divorces, these seven signs were eye opening and validating. The first and most notable sign: the arguing stops. Experts say the last year of a relationship is often the calmest one on record. We go over the other signs, like who is the first person you tell good news to? Does he show affection when he walks past you, or is there just an obligatory kiss goodbye each morning?
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
00:00:10
Speaker 1: Hey, that folks, it is Saturday, August eighth, And how is your marriage going? The past year? Things been quiet, calm, cool, peaceful, all good. Well, yeah, your relationship is probably over. And with that, welcome to this episode of Amy and TJ, where Robes has tracked down signs that your marriage is what at its end or heading towards its end? What's the right way to put their or but.
00:00:38
Speaker 2: They just kind of put it out there. Seven signs your marriage is over.
00:00:42
Speaker 1: It is over? Over all, right, I haven't seen all seven. You've given me a hint on one of them, but I haven't seen all seven. So I'll ask you, first of all, you agree with all of them?
00:00:53
Speaker 3: I do.
00:00:53
Speaker 2: And what was interesting to me, because look, anyone who has been in a failed relationship, or even if unfortunately you feel you know what you're right, if you've experienced the end of a relationship, the end of a marriage.
00:01:09
Speaker 3: Look, a lot of times I don't.
00:01:11
Speaker 2: Know if everyone listening is like me, but I do. I was googling stuff, I was searching stuff. I was trying to figure out why I was feeling, how I was feeling, if anyone else had been in the same boat.
00:01:23
Speaker 3: And so to see some of these signs.
00:01:26
Speaker 2: It struck a nerve with me because I think I would have liked to have known, at least feeling validated that what I thought was happening was actually happening. And there are some signs you don't necessarily equate with an ending relationship or an ending marriage, And this first one is that the last year of your marriage, and I think you can apply this to even a relationship is frequently the calmest one on record. Marriages relationships don't typically die in a passionate ending. It usually is a quiet, slow, sad release, and we don't even see it happening. Look, obviously there are people who have the big arguments and it blows up and it's explosive, but I think most people think about marriages ending, and they think about infidelity, and they think about shouting matches, and maybe it's what we see depicted in entertainment, but the reality is, according to this article and a lot of experts, very very different. And maybe that's why sometimes it's so hard to even see the signs because we have an expectation that it's going to be some big, fiery exchange where you say fu f you and it's over.
00:02:38
Speaker 1: I mean you could still. I guess it's possible. Rope. That big blow up and that fufu you talk about came at the end of a calm year, right, things finally just blew up in one moment after a year of calm. That makes sense. It's something you've I've heard you talk about forever. It's once you get to a point of apathy, you just don't care. When you just check. You don't care if they come home, they don't come home, if they pick up the dirty clothes, if they don't give no damn yes about what's going on.
00:03:08
Speaker 2: You learn when you go through a massive breakup that the opposite of love is apathy.
00:03:14
Speaker 3: It's not hate.
00:03:16
Speaker 2: It's not anger. Hate and anger imply that you still give a damn. When you are apathetic and you're calm and you don't give a shit, that is when it's over.
00:03:27
Speaker 1: My pastor used to always I've told you know what, doctor Ashton. I remember telling her this in particular, is my pastor compared it to having a car wreck. And if you have a bad car accident and you're an excruciating pain, congratulations, you still feel something. You can still feel if you have an accident and you can't feel your extremities in your body. Now you're in trouble. It's over. You're paralyzed, it's done. He always can use that comparison to a relationship. If something happened and you feel nothing.
00:04:02
Speaker 3: That's a sign it's over. Yeah, that is true.
00:04:05
Speaker 2: And oftentimes I feel like, at least this has been my experience. The biggest mistake I have made is not leaving sooner. It's it's just staying because it's comfortable, staying because it's scary, not to staying because of the fear of the unknown. But knowing deep down and having that acknowledgement, maybe you're waiting for the big fight. You're waiting for that moment where you can say, aha, here's the reason why.
00:04:29
Speaker 1: And sometimes you're waiting for an excusing y'all. Sometimes you're waiting for the other one to make the move so you don't have to.
00:04:34
Speaker 3: It's so true, like a relief, Oh.
00:04:35
Speaker 2: My god, exactly this, And I just if anyone's listening, I just like, you're not alone, and so many people have experienced this, And so yes, go ahead, you say there were.
00:04:44
Speaker 1: Seven on the list. Ye you started with that one. I wanted to ask you before you started with the seven any of these apply to us right now?
00:04:51
Speaker 3: You know what?
00:04:51
Speaker 2: It's so funny you say that because I did look at these seven signs and I try to see if any of them is applicable to our relationship. And I was kind of looking at it nervously, and the answer is thankfully no, Really, we do not fit any of these.
00:05:09
Speaker 3: I think. So, I mean, look like, obviously we don't have a perfect relationship. Nobody does.
00:05:14
Speaker 2: We have our issues we have and we know what they are. But it's certainly not about not caring. And look, I thought it was so like, this is what got me. This article started out with nobody slams the door, the house runs on time, friends comment on how settled things seem, but what replaces the fighting is difficult to see. And I think that is where that murky moment where you don't know what to do, and yes, you do become paralyzed, but that's a sign. That's a sign. Okay, So here's the first one. The arguing stop. Well, yeah, I mean it is basically it's white. Yes, I'm just the line was the arguing stops.
00:05:52
Speaker 1: Ok.
00:05:53
Speaker 3: But nothing gets built in its place.
00:05:56
Speaker 2: So when you stop complaining, when you stop saying this is bothering me to the other person, when you stop doing all of that, that's a sign that your relationship is over. Because if you're going to somebody and saying this bothers me, that implies there's a future in which you want something to be fixed, which you want things to get better because you have a future.
00:06:18
Speaker 3: When you stop telling.
00:06:19
Speaker 2: The person what they're doing is bothering you, that implies you don't care about what happens next.
00:06:25
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's a huge I never thought about it like that.
00:06:28
Speaker 1: Yeah, my god, I'm not gonna have to deal with this much longer.
00:06:31
Speaker 3: Why are your bodies or I just don't care. He can do whatever he wants. That doesn't bother me. Okay.
00:06:38
Speaker 2: Number two, Every conversation is about logistics, and it's been that way longer than you realize. What are we doing today? You know, are we going to your mom's house? What's happening for Thanksgiving? What's the weekend? All of your conversations are solely about logistics.
00:06:56
Speaker 3: I did that's us, That is not us.
00:06:59
Speaker 1: That's what they do.
00:07:01
Speaker 2: You talk about logistics a lot of It's not the only thing we talk about all.
00:07:05
Speaker 1: We talk about logistics, so we all right, come on. For the past month especially, it's been a lot of coordinating kids and homes and work and meetings, and it's been a lot. And every time I was doing it before we even started here, what's the plan today? When are you heading out? What time is this happening?
00:07:24
Speaker 3: And then to say that you won't.
00:07:26
Speaker 2: Of course, every couple has to talk about logistics. But you don't think we talk about anything else. You're so full of it. But they cite a survey of divorcing couples. I thought this was interesting. The two most commonly cited reasons for divorce. Fifty five percent of people said it was growing apart, and that means, yes, you have nothing else in common, nothing else to talk about, no shared experiences fifty five percent, and fifty three percent was not being able to talk together, just about life, about your feelings.
00:08:00
Speaker 1: To make those numbers match, it was over one hundred percent.
00:08:02
Speaker 3: Oh well, there were there were different the two.
00:08:05
Speaker 2: Most commonly so there were sighted got what I'm saying, Yes, so yes, it's it wasn't of the one yes the match here, no, no, no, there's those were the two most commonly sided reasons growing apart fifty five percent and not being able to talk to each other fifty three percent. And then I don't know the exact number, but they just noted that infidelity was well behind, like much lower than you would think.
00:08:27
Speaker 3: And I would say that's probably a symptom of the other two problems.
00:08:31
Speaker 2: If you stay in long enough and you have grown apart and you can't talk to one another, infidelity is likely to happen when that continues on for longer than it should.
00:08:40
Speaker 1: Isn't that crazy? Grown folks understand that about marriage and relationships adults. Anybody's been through anything grown, and there's a difference between being an adult and being grown. Grown folks understand this, But in public those discussions, we always need to hear an immediate who did something.
00:09:01
Speaker 3: He must have cheated, she must be.
00:09:03
Speaker 1: Straight, something something had to of what is it?
00:09:06
Speaker 3: It's not the case, and grown folks know that.
00:09:09
Speaker 2: And anyone who's been in a marriage long term understands that the growing apart and the non communication leads to the other things that you then point to as the reason why the marriage fell apart.
00:09:21
Speaker 3: But that has nothing to do with why.
00:09:23
Speaker 2: The marriage fell apart. That was a symptom of the marriage falling apart. And I do understand that now. When I was younger, I did not.
00:09:30
Speaker 1: Because it requires both parties to take responsibility something that's happened in the relationship. Then one person ultimately does some dumb shit at the end and you can then say, aha, you and that's not really now.
00:09:45
Speaker 2: Look, there are people who have sex addictions and some people who love their spouses and can't help themselves, and that's a whole other issue.
00:09:52
Speaker 1: Or just make bad decisions, poor.
00:09:55
Speaker 3: Poor impulse control. That exists too.
00:09:57
Speaker 2: So I'm not saying that that doesn't happen, but in a large amount of cases, it's the fact that you were not talking to each other about real things. You're just focused on daily chores, et cetera.
00:10:13
Speaker 1: All right, yeah, we need to keep an eye on that one. Do we have a lot going on, babe, And we do.
00:10:18
Speaker 2: We work together too, and that is a danger and you and I have both talked about that sometimes when we go to lunch. We have working lunches, but there have been moments when we say, hey, and maybe I think we should do this.
00:10:28
Speaker 3: On the weekends, even once we're done with work.
00:10:31
Speaker 2: We don't talk about work on Saturday, Like we have a day where we just say we don't talk about work. We just have fun and talk about each other. All right, Number three, this is your third sign. The small bids for attention stop getting answered and then stop getting made.
00:10:50
Speaker 3: So for here's an example.
00:10:52
Speaker 2: You know, I'm probably annoying you when I'm like, hey, look at this did you see what she posted? Or look at this TikTok video that Ava sent me, or look at that guy on the news. Something we see, something we notice, we share with one another because we want to experience it together.
00:11:06
Speaker 3: You and I do that definitely multiple times a day.
00:11:10
Speaker 1: Yes, and I've told you this before. I never wants one of the most attractive things about you is that you get You have a childlike exuberance and excitement about little things. I don't have that about even big things. Sometimes I'm not a giddy school boy about a lot of stuff. So I don't ever want to feel or seem like I am putting any kind of a damper on what I see as you genuinely being excited about stuff.
00:11:39
Speaker 2: I last night was like, look at the orange sky, look at the look at the moon.
00:11:43
Speaker 1: I'm always take a look over. I always take a look at the phone. And sometimes I'll roll my eyes and I say, okay, maybe what is that? But that is I understand what you're saying when you.
00:11:52
Speaker 2: Said, so here's the deal there. These are seemingly insignificant. I thought this was so interesting, seemingly insignificant throw away lines that babe, look.
00:12:02
Speaker 3: At the moon.
00:12:03
Speaker 2: The only question is whether the other person looks up. When you are excited and sharing something silly, insignificant with your partner, and they don't look up, they don't care. That is a sign and all that you need to do is look up and be a part of it. But that speaks volumes because that small little wanting to share means I want to I'm connecting with you. But once you stop getting any sort of reception from those excited, small, seemingly small bids for attention, you just stop making them stop. You stop engaging your partner, and then you start doing it to someone else. You start giving like it but it seems so small, but they say, that's actually a big sign.
00:12:47
Speaker 3: But you do it to me too.
00:12:48
Speaker 2: You're like, babe, like I'll say, I'll go out of the room and something happened on the news and there was some funny interaction. You'll pause it and be like, babe, come here, you got to see this. So you might not share nature or seeing a golden sunset or a moon with me, but you share other things that get us. So we do this every.
00:13:06
Speaker 1: Week, do this multiple times all day long.
00:13:09
Speaker 2: Absolutely, But I think it's good to remember that responding and engaging is a part of that connection. And I never even thought about those little, tiny exchanges as being a big part of our relationship. And I start thinking about other relationships and think, oh wow, yeah, you stop sharing, you stop engaging in those little, small, seemingly mindless moments.
00:13:32
Speaker 1: And this is why I had such a big problem with your airport divorce thing that you brought to me not long ago, the idea that couples split at the airport, go do their own thing, and then meet at the plane. That's what you're talking about with these little things. You're so excited about something, something has brought you joy, So what do you want to do. I want to share that, but the person I love, that's a very simple concept that should be natural.
00:13:57
Speaker 3: Rod.
00:13:57
Speaker 1: There's no I go to things with my boys sometimes I go to concerts. I go to every wonderful experience I have. I can't think of one in which I don't want you there and to share it. I'm really sitting here trying to think of one. There's some things where you just can't go to with me and my boys.
00:14:14
Speaker 2: But even when you're with your boys, you're texting me, oh, you got to see this, like I wish you were here, whatever, like, And those are the moments. Okay, number four, This is huge and this really resonated with me because I look back at former relationships and I think, holy hell, this was in place for a while. Your good news starts finding a different audience. First the promotion, the funny thing that happened at work, the small win, something exciting or positive that happened to you throughout the day. You start taking it to your sister, to your best friend, to a coworker, to a group chat, and your spouse is one of the last people you tell, if you tell them at all. That is huge and I absolute recognized that that was happening in my relationship.
00:15:04
Speaker 1: I think that's one that folks, that's an important one you should ask yourself that you might not realize you're doing, Like if you stop and think, I'm thinking about previous relationships and things that happened that years later. I didn't even realize that the person I was with didn't know. Like way, I didn't tell you that it was kind of a big moment for me.
00:15:22
Speaker 3: And you should ask yourself why, why not? Why?
00:15:25
Speaker 1: And I have other people around knew about it, and I talked about it and sought help for things even and yeah, that's that's a big one. I think that can get overlooked.
00:15:34
Speaker 3: Absolutely all right. When we come back, we have got three more.
00:15:38
Speaker 2: These are so fascinating and everyone who is in a marriage and a relationship needs to stay tuned. Welcome back everyone to Amy and TJ. We are going over some fascinating signs that everyone in a marriage or a relationship needs to pay attention to, because, according to a couple experts, these are the signs that your marriage may be over.
00:16:10
Speaker 3: So the fifth.
00:16:11
Speaker 2: Sign your future is described in the singular and nobody flinches. They said, pronouns are everything. So instead of saying we're going to do this, what are we doing?
00:16:23
Speaker 3: Us hour?
00:16:25
Speaker 2: When people constantly use we us an hour, that is a positive sign that yes, you are talking about being together now and in the future. But if you start noticing you or your partner is saying, I.
00:16:41
Speaker 3: Me like, it's funny.
00:16:43
Speaker 2: I know you're teasing, but I actually flinch when you say what are you doing today?
00:16:46
Speaker 3: What are your plans today?
00:16:48
Speaker 2: And I know you're just trying to ask me what I have on my agenda so you can work around our agenda with what I want to do. But it's so funny even hearing you ask me what are you doing or what do you want for lunch?
00:16:59
Speaker 3: I'm like, what are you doing? What do we want for lunch?
00:17:02
Speaker 2: Like it's funny how that singular plural excuse me, that singular pronoun can actually like make my chest tighten?
00:17:10
Speaker 3: Isn't that wild?
00:17:11
Speaker 1: Okay, Okay, I'll stop doing it. I'm doing it. I do it.
00:17:14
Speaker 2: I know you do like I know, I know you're doing it. You're making a choice and you're kind of you're teasing. It's with malice, yes, but that's kind of how we roll.
00:17:23
Speaker 3: I get that.
00:17:24
Speaker 2: That's like, you know what, that's like friend vibes, Like when we were friends, you would like poke me like that, and you still do it even though we are Yes, engaged. But it's funny, Like I always, I recognize it and I laugh, but I actually look at it as a wow, I really really want to be with this guy. Like it bothers me. When he says that, I think so. If it doesn't bother you, that's the problem. When nobody flinches, that's when you have your warning sign. Everybody will say I me whatever. But if for some reason it doesn't hit a nerve with you, that's a sign.
00:17:58
Speaker 1: I can say that if it doesn't strike a nerd that that's the one you wouldn't even pay attention to because it doesn't bother you to hear it, and you don't realize not bothering, not being bothered is actually a problem.
00:18:08
Speaker 2: Yes, the future, it gets described in this singular and nobody flinches. That is your fifth warning sign. All right, this is crazy number six. And this is a telltale sign affection drains out while everything stays exactly the same. So there was a study that followed newlyweds for thirteen years. This is what they're citing, okay, and they say what separated the couples headed for divorce was disillusionment, an abatement of love, a decline in overt affection, a fading conviction that one's spouse is responsive and rising ambivalence. Okay, that's what they described it as this right, but here's how they actually put it in layman's terms. I thought this was so cool. Think about this. Wow, this reminds me of us so much so. When you're in the kitchen, does your spouse, when he walks by you or she walks by you, just put his or her hand on your back, just touches you as they're passing you when they go past your seat when you're seated, do they squeeze your arm?
00:19:12
Speaker 3: Do they give you a kiss?
00:19:13
Speaker 2: Do they just touch you that disappears the goodbye kiss might stay. So the obligatory uh seriously, the obligatory affection, kissing someone goodbye, saying I love you at the end, all of that is kind of obligatory. Yeah.
00:19:31
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah.
00:19:32
Speaker 2: It's the little tiny moments when you have an opportunity when it's not obligatory. Do you touch your partner? Do you show affection when it's not required or not expected? That is a telltale sign that your marriage is in a good place. If that isn't happening, that is a warning sign.
00:19:49
Speaker 1: Wow.
00:19:50
Speaker 2: When you get up and you just touch me. I'm telling you, my entire body chemistry changes this.
00:19:58
Speaker 1: I swear you've complained or about me touching you too much, like I do not walk past you without touching. I love when you touch it in the house, I don't. I love it every time going, certainly in the kitchen and walking by. There have been time I don't know if you've seen it, but our studio is set up here at the house to where your back is to the door the entrance to the to the studio here, so I have to walk past you to leave, and I be going to get a drink or something. I have walked out of the room afoot it, turned around and came back and gave you a kiss on the neck because I didn't do it.
00:20:29
Speaker 2: And I loved it, and it wasn't obligatory. But it's just showing I care about you.
00:20:34
Speaker 3: I love you.
00:20:35
Speaker 2: So yeah, it actually made me want to cry to think about that disappearing. So the hand on the back passing in the kitchen disappears, while the goodbye kiss stays on schedule.
00:20:45
Speaker 3: So yeah, So if.
00:20:46
Speaker 2: It's just duty and performative and not just that moment where you just say hmm, I want to I want to touch that person, I want to kiss that person. And look, I think that it's what I'm learning from this article and from these experts. It's all the little small things. Those are where you actually can see the health of your relationship or the decline of it.
00:21:08
Speaker 1: It's always think it's the big gesture. It's the big moments.
00:21:13
Speaker 2: It's crazy, all right, and the final final sign that your marriage may be over. One of you describes a completely different marriage. So they say a peaceful year can actually have two people on very different clocks. One is in the terminal phase and the other doesn't suspect anything because visibly it's gotten easier. And I have seen this happen. I have experienced this. So yes it's peaceful. Yes, no one's fighting. Yes there's no yelling and screaming, and there's no tension. But one person likely has completely checked out and is done and gone, and the other person is just relieved that things have gotten easier, but isn't actually examining what's going on.
00:21:55
Speaker 3: And so therefore you'll have one.
00:21:56
Speaker 2: Person who's shocked that the other person comes to them and says, yeah, I'm done, and I've been done for a while because they think everything's peaceful, everything's good, and that's good enough.
00:22:07
Speaker 3: And I think that's really fascinating to know.
00:22:09
Speaker 2: That you can have all the signs and one person is in a completely different space than the other.
00:22:15
Speaker 3: And that is why you have to check in.
00:22:17
Speaker 2: You have to talk about things more than logistics, and it's better to know. I think sometimes people don't want to know. They just try to pretend like it's all good. Let's just pretend that everything's fine.
00:22:29
Speaker 3: But that is a.
00:22:30
Speaker 2: Huge Like if you talk to these two people, they would literally describe a different marriage.
00:22:35
Speaker 1: Well, I wonder how we would describe this relationship if we would describe it differently.
00:22:41
Speaker 3: Possibly, I think everyone has unique experiences.
00:22:44
Speaker 2: But the glaring one is I'm done, and the other one's like, I'm good.
00:22:50
Speaker 1: Are that good?
00:22:51
Speaker 3: Big difference. I am good, but I'm always wanting to improve, So.
00:22:54
Speaker 1: I'd had to be the one that's done.
00:22:56
Speaker 3: Then well I'm not done, okay.
00:22:59
Speaker 1: So then you're good. Just making sure I'm not done.
00:23:04
Speaker 3: You want to give me the answer on that one?
00:23:06
Speaker 1: Not on Mike, Oh yeah, should see her face right now. I'm just but you're making a face, right now, will you stop.
00:23:17
Speaker 3: I know you're joking. I just want to make sure everybody else needs.
00:23:19
Speaker 1: So now you're worried about what other people think about our relationship, we're back to this.
00:23:25
Speaker 2: Oh my goodness, no, but this is something I just thought this was really interesting and I think the takeaway is that it is all of those little micro moments that you show love, you show you care, you show you're there for that person. You want to hear what they have to say, you care what they think. That is what makes a marriage last. So we'll keep working on all of that, babe. And with that everyone, we always appreciate you listening to us. I maybe Robock alongside TJ. Holmes, we'll talk sake
00:24:01
Speaker 1: The two things
Speaker 1: Hey, that folks, it is Saturday, August eighth, And how is your marriage going? The past year? Things been quiet, calm, cool, peaceful, all good. Well, yeah, your relationship is probably over. And with that, welcome to this episode of Amy and TJ, where Robes has tracked down signs that your marriage is what at its end or heading towards its end? What's the right way to put their or but.
00:00:38
Speaker 2: They just kind of put it out there. Seven signs your marriage is over.
00:00:42
Speaker 1: It is over? Over all, right, I haven't seen all seven. You've given me a hint on one of them, but I haven't seen all seven. So I'll ask you, first of all, you agree with all of them?
00:00:53
Speaker 3: I do.
00:00:53
Speaker 2: And what was interesting to me, because look, anyone who has been in a failed relationship, or even if unfortunately you feel you know what you're right, if you've experienced the end of a relationship, the end of a marriage.
00:01:09
Speaker 3: Look, a lot of times I don't.
00:01:11
Speaker 2: Know if everyone listening is like me, but I do. I was googling stuff, I was searching stuff. I was trying to figure out why I was feeling, how I was feeling, if anyone else had been in the same boat.
00:01:23
Speaker 3: And so to see some of these signs.
00:01:26
Speaker 2: It struck a nerve with me because I think I would have liked to have known, at least feeling validated that what I thought was happening was actually happening. And there are some signs you don't necessarily equate with an ending relationship or an ending marriage, And this first one is that the last year of your marriage, and I think you can apply this to even a relationship is frequently the calmest one on record. Marriages relationships don't typically die in a passionate ending. It usually is a quiet, slow, sad release, and we don't even see it happening. Look, obviously there are people who have the big arguments and it blows up and it's explosive, but I think most people think about marriages ending, and they think about infidelity, and they think about shouting matches, and maybe it's what we see depicted in entertainment, but the reality is, according to this article and a lot of experts, very very different. And maybe that's why sometimes it's so hard to even see the signs because we have an expectation that it's going to be some big, fiery exchange where you say fu f you and it's over.
00:02:38
Speaker 1: I mean you could still. I guess it's possible. Rope. That big blow up and that fufu you talk about came at the end of a calm year, right, things finally just blew up in one moment after a year of calm. That makes sense. It's something you've I've heard you talk about forever. It's once you get to a point of apathy, you just don't care. When you just check. You don't care if they come home, they don't come home, if they pick up the dirty clothes, if they don't give no damn yes about what's going on.
00:03:08
Speaker 2: You learn when you go through a massive breakup that the opposite of love is apathy.
00:03:14
Speaker 3: It's not hate.
00:03:16
Speaker 2: It's not anger. Hate and anger imply that you still give a damn. When you are apathetic and you're calm and you don't give a shit, that is when it's over.
00:03:27
Speaker 1: My pastor used to always I've told you know what, doctor Ashton. I remember telling her this in particular, is my pastor compared it to having a car wreck. And if you have a bad car accident and you're an excruciating pain, congratulations, you still feel something. You can still feel if you have an accident and you can't feel your extremities in your body. Now you're in trouble. It's over. You're paralyzed, it's done. He always can use that comparison to a relationship. If something happened and you feel nothing.
00:04:02
Speaker 3: That's a sign it's over. Yeah, that is true.
00:04:05
Speaker 2: And oftentimes I feel like, at least this has been my experience. The biggest mistake I have made is not leaving sooner. It's it's just staying because it's comfortable, staying because it's scary, not to staying because of the fear of the unknown. But knowing deep down and having that acknowledgement, maybe you're waiting for the big fight. You're waiting for that moment where you can say, aha, here's the reason why.
00:04:29
Speaker 1: And sometimes you're waiting for an excusing y'all. Sometimes you're waiting for the other one to make the move so you don't have to.
00:04:34
Speaker 3: It's so true, like a relief, Oh.
00:04:35
Speaker 2: My god, exactly this, And I just if anyone's listening, I just like, you're not alone, and so many people have experienced this, And so yes, go ahead, you say there were.
00:04:44
Speaker 1: Seven on the list. Ye you started with that one. I wanted to ask you before you started with the seven any of these apply to us right now?
00:04:51
Speaker 3: You know what?
00:04:51
Speaker 2: It's so funny you say that because I did look at these seven signs and I try to see if any of them is applicable to our relationship. And I was kind of looking at it nervously, and the answer is thankfully no, Really, we do not fit any of these.
00:05:09
Speaker 3: I think. So, I mean, look like, obviously we don't have a perfect relationship. Nobody does.
00:05:14
Speaker 2: We have our issues we have and we know what they are. But it's certainly not about not caring. And look, I thought it was so like, this is what got me. This article started out with nobody slams the door, the house runs on time, friends comment on how settled things seem, but what replaces the fighting is difficult to see. And I think that is where that murky moment where you don't know what to do, and yes, you do become paralyzed, but that's a sign. That's a sign. Okay, So here's the first one. The arguing stop. Well, yeah, I mean it is basically it's white. Yes, I'm just the line was the arguing stops.
00:05:52
Speaker 1: Ok.
00:05:53
Speaker 3: But nothing gets built in its place.
00:05:56
Speaker 2: So when you stop complaining, when you stop saying this is bothering me to the other person, when you stop doing all of that, that's a sign that your relationship is over. Because if you're going to somebody and saying this bothers me, that implies there's a future in which you want something to be fixed, which you want things to get better because you have a future.
00:06:18
Speaker 3: When you stop telling.
00:06:19
Speaker 2: The person what they're doing is bothering you, that implies you don't care about what happens next.
00:06:25
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's a huge I never thought about it like that.
00:06:28
Speaker 1: Yeah, my god, I'm not gonna have to deal with this much longer.
00:06:31
Speaker 3: Why are your bodies or I just don't care. He can do whatever he wants. That doesn't bother me. Okay.
00:06:38
Speaker 2: Number two, Every conversation is about logistics, and it's been that way longer than you realize. What are we doing today? You know, are we going to your mom's house? What's happening for Thanksgiving? What's the weekend? All of your conversations are solely about logistics.
00:06:56
Speaker 3: I did that's us, That is not us.
00:06:59
Speaker 1: That's what they do.
00:07:01
Speaker 2: You talk about logistics a lot of It's not the only thing we talk about all.
00:07:05
Speaker 1: We talk about logistics, so we all right, come on. For the past month especially, it's been a lot of coordinating kids and homes and work and meetings, and it's been a lot. And every time I was doing it before we even started here, what's the plan today? When are you heading out? What time is this happening?
00:07:24
Speaker 3: And then to say that you won't.
00:07:26
Speaker 2: Of course, every couple has to talk about logistics. But you don't think we talk about anything else. You're so full of it. But they cite a survey of divorcing couples. I thought this was interesting. The two most commonly cited reasons for divorce. Fifty five percent of people said it was growing apart, and that means, yes, you have nothing else in common, nothing else to talk about, no shared experiences fifty five percent, and fifty three percent was not being able to talk together, just about life, about your feelings.
00:08:00
Speaker 1: To make those numbers match, it was over one hundred percent.
00:08:02
Speaker 3: Oh well, there were there were different the two.
00:08:05
Speaker 2: Most commonly so there were sighted got what I'm saying, Yes, so yes, it's it wasn't of the one yes the match here, no, no, no, there's those were the two most commonly sided reasons growing apart fifty five percent and not being able to talk to each other fifty three percent. And then I don't know the exact number, but they just noted that infidelity was well behind, like much lower than you would think.
00:08:27
Speaker 3: And I would say that's probably a symptom of the other two problems.
00:08:31
Speaker 2: If you stay in long enough and you have grown apart and you can't talk to one another, infidelity is likely to happen when that continues on for longer than it should.
00:08:40
Speaker 1: Isn't that crazy? Grown folks understand that about marriage and relationships adults. Anybody's been through anything grown, and there's a difference between being an adult and being grown. Grown folks understand this, But in public those discussions, we always need to hear an immediate who did something.
00:09:01
Speaker 3: He must have cheated, she must be.
00:09:03
Speaker 1: Straight, something something had to of what is it?
00:09:06
Speaker 3: It's not the case, and grown folks know that.
00:09:09
Speaker 2: And anyone who's been in a marriage long term understands that the growing apart and the non communication leads to the other things that you then point to as the reason why the marriage fell apart.
00:09:21
Speaker 3: But that has nothing to do with why.
00:09:23
Speaker 2: The marriage fell apart. That was a symptom of the marriage falling apart. And I do understand that now. When I was younger, I did not.
00:09:30
Speaker 1: Because it requires both parties to take responsibility something that's happened in the relationship. Then one person ultimately does some dumb shit at the end and you can then say, aha, you and that's not really now.
00:09:45
Speaker 2: Look, there are people who have sex addictions and some people who love their spouses and can't help themselves, and that's a whole other issue.
00:09:52
Speaker 1: Or just make bad decisions, poor.
00:09:55
Speaker 3: Poor impulse control. That exists too.
00:09:57
Speaker 2: So I'm not saying that that doesn't happen, but in a large amount of cases, it's the fact that you were not talking to each other about real things. You're just focused on daily chores, et cetera.
00:10:13
Speaker 1: All right, yeah, we need to keep an eye on that one. Do we have a lot going on, babe, And we do.
00:10:18
Speaker 2: We work together too, and that is a danger and you and I have both talked about that sometimes when we go to lunch. We have working lunches, but there have been moments when we say, hey, and maybe I think we should do this.
00:10:28
Speaker 3: On the weekends, even once we're done with work.
00:10:31
Speaker 2: We don't talk about work on Saturday, Like we have a day where we just say we don't talk about work. We just have fun and talk about each other. All right, Number three, this is your third sign. The small bids for attention stop getting answered and then stop getting made.
00:10:50
Speaker 3: So for here's an example.
00:10:52
Speaker 2: You know, I'm probably annoying you when I'm like, hey, look at this did you see what she posted? Or look at this TikTok video that Ava sent me, or look at that guy on the news. Something we see, something we notice, we share with one another because we want to experience it together.
00:11:06
Speaker 3: You and I do that definitely multiple times a day.
00:11:10
Speaker 1: Yes, and I've told you this before. I never wants one of the most attractive things about you is that you get You have a childlike exuberance and excitement about little things. I don't have that about even big things. Sometimes I'm not a giddy school boy about a lot of stuff. So I don't ever want to feel or seem like I am putting any kind of a damper on what I see as you genuinely being excited about stuff.
00:11:39
Speaker 2: I last night was like, look at the orange sky, look at the look at the moon.
00:11:43
Speaker 1: I'm always take a look over. I always take a look at the phone. And sometimes I'll roll my eyes and I say, okay, maybe what is that? But that is I understand what you're saying when you.
00:11:52
Speaker 2: Said, so here's the deal there. These are seemingly insignificant. I thought this was so interesting, seemingly insignificant throw away lines that babe, look.
00:12:02
Speaker 3: At the moon.
00:12:03
Speaker 2: The only question is whether the other person looks up. When you are excited and sharing something silly, insignificant with your partner, and they don't look up, they don't care. That is a sign and all that you need to do is look up and be a part of it. But that speaks volumes because that small little wanting to share means I want to I'm connecting with you. But once you stop getting any sort of reception from those excited, small, seemingly small bids for attention, you just stop making them stop. You stop engaging your partner, and then you start doing it to someone else. You start giving like it but it seems so small, but they say, that's actually a big sign.
00:12:47
Speaker 3: But you do it to me too.
00:12:48
Speaker 2: You're like, babe, like I'll say, I'll go out of the room and something happened on the news and there was some funny interaction. You'll pause it and be like, babe, come here, you got to see this. So you might not share nature or seeing a golden sunset or a moon with me, but you share other things that get us. So we do this every.
00:13:06
Speaker 1: Week, do this multiple times all day long.
00:13:09
Speaker 2: Absolutely, But I think it's good to remember that responding and engaging is a part of that connection. And I never even thought about those little, tiny exchanges as being a big part of our relationship. And I start thinking about other relationships and think, oh wow, yeah, you stop sharing, you stop engaging in those little, small, seemingly mindless moments.
00:13:32
Speaker 1: And this is why I had such a big problem with your airport divorce thing that you brought to me not long ago, the idea that couples split at the airport, go do their own thing, and then meet at the plane. That's what you're talking about with these little things. You're so excited about something, something has brought you joy, So what do you want to do. I want to share that, but the person I love, that's a very simple concept that should be natural.
00:13:57
Speaker 3: Rod.
00:13:57
Speaker 1: There's no I go to things with my boys sometimes I go to concerts. I go to every wonderful experience I have. I can't think of one in which I don't want you there and to share it. I'm really sitting here trying to think of one. There's some things where you just can't go to with me and my boys.
00:14:14
Speaker 2: But even when you're with your boys, you're texting me, oh, you got to see this, like I wish you were here, whatever, like, And those are the moments. Okay, number four, This is huge and this really resonated with me because I look back at former relationships and I think, holy hell, this was in place for a while. Your good news starts finding a different audience. First the promotion, the funny thing that happened at work, the small win, something exciting or positive that happened to you throughout the day. You start taking it to your sister, to your best friend, to a coworker, to a group chat, and your spouse is one of the last people you tell, if you tell them at all. That is huge and I absolute recognized that that was happening in my relationship.
00:15:04
Speaker 1: I think that's one that folks, that's an important one you should ask yourself that you might not realize you're doing, Like if you stop and think, I'm thinking about previous relationships and things that happened that years later. I didn't even realize that the person I was with didn't know. Like way, I didn't tell you that it was kind of a big moment for me.
00:15:22
Speaker 3: And you should ask yourself why, why not? Why?
00:15:25
Speaker 1: And I have other people around knew about it, and I talked about it and sought help for things even and yeah, that's that's a big one. I think that can get overlooked.
00:15:34
Speaker 3: Absolutely all right. When we come back, we have got three more.
00:15:38
Speaker 2: These are so fascinating and everyone who is in a marriage and a relationship needs to stay tuned. Welcome back everyone to Amy and TJ. We are going over some fascinating signs that everyone in a marriage or a relationship needs to pay attention to, because, according to a couple experts, these are the signs that your marriage may be over.
00:16:10
Speaker 3: So the fifth.
00:16:11
Speaker 2: Sign your future is described in the singular and nobody flinches. They said, pronouns are everything. So instead of saying we're going to do this, what are we doing?
00:16:23
Speaker 3: Us hour?
00:16:25
Speaker 2: When people constantly use we us an hour, that is a positive sign that yes, you are talking about being together now and in the future. But if you start noticing you or your partner is saying, I.
00:16:41
Speaker 3: Me like, it's funny.
00:16:43
Speaker 2: I know you're teasing, but I actually flinch when you say what are you doing today?
00:16:46
Speaker 3: What are your plans today?
00:16:48
Speaker 2: And I know you're just trying to ask me what I have on my agenda so you can work around our agenda with what I want to do. But it's so funny even hearing you ask me what are you doing or what do you want for lunch?
00:16:59
Speaker 3: I'm like, what are you doing? What do we want for lunch?
00:17:02
Speaker 2: Like it's funny how that singular plural excuse me, that singular pronoun can actually like make my chest tighten?
00:17:10
Speaker 3: Isn't that wild?
00:17:11
Speaker 1: Okay, Okay, I'll stop doing it. I'm doing it. I do it.
00:17:14
Speaker 2: I know you do like I know, I know you're doing it. You're making a choice and you're kind of you're teasing. It's with malice, yes, but that's kind of how we roll.
00:17:23
Speaker 3: I get that.
00:17:24
Speaker 2: That's like, you know what, that's like friend vibes, Like when we were friends, you would like poke me like that, and you still do it even though we are Yes, engaged. But it's funny, Like I always, I recognize it and I laugh, but I actually look at it as a wow, I really really want to be with this guy. Like it bothers me. When he says that, I think so. If it doesn't bother you, that's the problem. When nobody flinches, that's when you have your warning sign. Everybody will say I me whatever. But if for some reason it doesn't hit a nerve with you, that's a sign.
00:17:58
Speaker 1: I can say that if it doesn't strike a nerd that that's the one you wouldn't even pay attention to because it doesn't bother you to hear it, and you don't realize not bothering, not being bothered is actually a problem.
00:18:08
Speaker 2: Yes, the future, it gets described in this singular and nobody flinches. That is your fifth warning sign. All right, this is crazy number six. And this is a telltale sign affection drains out while everything stays exactly the same. So there was a study that followed newlyweds for thirteen years. This is what they're citing, okay, and they say what separated the couples headed for divorce was disillusionment, an abatement of love, a decline in overt affection, a fading conviction that one's spouse is responsive and rising ambivalence. Okay, that's what they described it as this right, but here's how they actually put it in layman's terms. I thought this was so cool. Think about this. Wow, this reminds me of us so much so. When you're in the kitchen, does your spouse, when he walks by you or she walks by you, just put his or her hand on your back, just touches you as they're passing you when they go past your seat when you're seated, do they squeeze your arm?
00:19:12
Speaker 3: Do they give you a kiss?
00:19:13
Speaker 2: Do they just touch you that disappears the goodbye kiss might stay. So the obligatory uh seriously, the obligatory affection, kissing someone goodbye, saying I love you at the end, all of that is kind of obligatory. Yeah.
00:19:31
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah.
00:19:32
Speaker 2: It's the little tiny moments when you have an opportunity when it's not obligatory. Do you touch your partner? Do you show affection when it's not required or not expected? That is a telltale sign that your marriage is in a good place. If that isn't happening, that is a warning sign.
00:19:49
Speaker 1: Wow.
00:19:50
Speaker 2: When you get up and you just touch me. I'm telling you, my entire body chemistry changes this.
00:19:58
Speaker 1: I swear you've complained or about me touching you too much, like I do not walk past you without touching. I love when you touch it in the house, I don't. I love it every time going, certainly in the kitchen and walking by. There have been time I don't know if you've seen it, but our studio is set up here at the house to where your back is to the door the entrance to the to the studio here, so I have to walk past you to leave, and I be going to get a drink or something. I have walked out of the room afoot it, turned around and came back and gave you a kiss on the neck because I didn't do it.
00:20:29
Speaker 2: And I loved it, and it wasn't obligatory. But it's just showing I care about you.
00:20:34
Speaker 3: I love you.
00:20:35
Speaker 2: So yeah, it actually made me want to cry to think about that disappearing. So the hand on the back passing in the kitchen disappears, while the goodbye kiss stays on schedule.
00:20:45
Speaker 3: So yeah, So if.
00:20:46
Speaker 2: It's just duty and performative and not just that moment where you just say hmm, I want to I want to touch that person, I want to kiss that person. And look, I think that it's what I'm learning from this article and from these experts. It's all the little small things. Those are where you actually can see the health of your relationship or the decline of it.
00:21:08
Speaker 1: It's always think it's the big gesture. It's the big moments.
00:21:13
Speaker 2: It's crazy, all right, and the final final sign that your marriage may be over. One of you describes a completely different marriage. So they say a peaceful year can actually have two people on very different clocks. One is in the terminal phase and the other doesn't suspect anything because visibly it's gotten easier. And I have seen this happen. I have experienced this. So yes it's peaceful. Yes, no one's fighting. Yes there's no yelling and screaming, and there's no tension. But one person likely has completely checked out and is done and gone, and the other person is just relieved that things have gotten easier, but isn't actually examining what's going on.
00:21:55
Speaker 3: And so therefore you'll have one.
00:21:56
Speaker 2: Person who's shocked that the other person comes to them and says, yeah, I'm done, and I've been done for a while because they think everything's peaceful, everything's good, and that's good enough.
00:22:07
Speaker 3: And I think that's really fascinating to know.
00:22:09
Speaker 2: That you can have all the signs and one person is in a completely different space than the other.
00:22:15
Speaker 3: And that is why you have to check in.
00:22:17
Speaker 2: You have to talk about things more than logistics, and it's better to know. I think sometimes people don't want to know. They just try to pretend like it's all good. Let's just pretend that everything's fine.
00:22:29
Speaker 3: But that is a.
00:22:30
Speaker 2: Huge Like if you talk to these two people, they would literally describe a different marriage.
00:22:35
Speaker 1: Well, I wonder how we would describe this relationship if we would describe it differently.
00:22:41
Speaker 3: Possibly, I think everyone has unique experiences.
00:22:44
Speaker 2: But the glaring one is I'm done, and the other one's like, I'm good.
00:22:50
Speaker 1: Are that good?
00:22:51
Speaker 3: Big difference. I am good, but I'm always wanting to improve, So.
00:22:54
Speaker 1: I'd had to be the one that's done.
00:22:56
Speaker 3: Then well I'm not done, okay.
00:22:59
Speaker 1: So then you're good. Just making sure I'm not done.
00:23:04
Speaker 3: You want to give me the answer on that one?
00:23:06
Speaker 1: Not on Mike, Oh yeah, should see her face right now. I'm just but you're making a face, right now, will you stop.
00:23:17
Speaker 3: I know you're joking. I just want to make sure everybody else needs.
00:23:19
Speaker 1: So now you're worried about what other people think about our relationship, we're back to this.
00:23:25
Speaker 2: Oh my goodness, no, but this is something I just thought this was really interesting and I think the takeaway is that it is all of those little micro moments that you show love, you show you care, you show you're there for that person. You want to hear what they have to say, you care what they think. That is what makes a marriage last. So we'll keep working on all of that, babe. And with that everyone, we always appreciate you listening to us. I maybe Robock alongside TJ. Holmes, we'll talk sake
00:24:01
Speaker 1: The two things