1 in 4 Women Have Rejected A Marriage Proposal: Why “She Said No”

00:00:10
Speaker 1: Hey, the folks, it is Sunday, August sixteenth, and it wasn't two terribly long ago that I proposed to Amy Roebuck. She said, yes, turns out I'm one of the lucky ones. And with that, welcome to this episode of Amy and tej that you just told me the stat before we started. I was shocked to hear, baby, how many women actually say no?

00:00:32
Speaker 2: Yeah, this shocked me too, And I looked at multiple different sources and they all had the same number. One in four women doesn't say they have turned down our proposal in their lives. That's so hot.

00:00:44
Speaker 1: That's hi, is it?

00:00:45
Speaker 2: Men? I know men are nervous before they proposed. With that statistic, you should be sweating.

00:00:50
Speaker 1: One out of four, you got age twenty five percent chance of rejection. That's hot.

00:00:56
Speaker 2: Wow, that's crazy.

00:00:59
Speaker 1: What in my Okay, how about say I'll be I would wonder if a lot of those women say no and then they still end up getting married later maybe.

00:01:05
Speaker 2: It wasn't the right time or oh answer is yes, okay.

00:01:08
Speaker 1: Then maybe that's not so bad.

00:01:09
Speaker 2: But that sounds is yes to that. So yeah, Actually, we are almost coming up on our one year proposal versary. Is that a thing.

00:01:17
Speaker 1: It's not, and we're not going to.

00:01:19
Speaker 2: Make it one, all right. So I started looking into this story because Yahoo had something up this week about men sharing their stories about proposal rejections. I got into it. It was fascinating, It was interesting. Most of them said they were grateful that she ended up saying no, but it was just fascinating looking at the moments that don't go as expected and the whole notion that rejection is protection. We hear that all the time. This was absolutely the case. So I we are going to get into a study from psychology today about why women say no, and it was women because I think they said in the ones they studied, it was like ninety eight percent of these were men proposing to women. Of course, but some of the stories I just wanted to read some of them to you because I wanted to get your reaction. I thought this was and some of these actually play perfectly into the reasons why women say no. The first one, my significant other said no to me. She said marriage is an archaic institution, and she sees no reason why if we want to stay together forever, we can't do it without a contract.

00:02:23
Speaker 1: That's only you rauh you should have known ahead of time how your woman felt about that.

00:02:26
Speaker 2: So she said no. He said that was in two thousand and nine.

00:02:29
Speaker 1: Should have never asked.

00:02:30
Speaker 2: We have three kids in a house together now and we both wear wedding rings, still not married. We were actually considering that road.

00:02:39
Speaker 1: Um, yeah, and then I thought better of it.

00:02:44
Speaker 2: Why do you think better of it?

00:02:45
Speaker 1: Because there does you? This is right. I've been married twice before. No right, no disrespect to those previous unions, rolled, because this was the first time where I have wanted to get I want to be your husband, not based on well, this is the next step, or this is the right thing, or this has been official, or she's gonna leave it's been too many years. Like there's always something, and sometimes you get married because you think it's the right thing to do, or of course it's the right next step. I just want to We don't have any reason at all, nope, that we need to get married, and.

00:03:25
Speaker 2: Yeah we both want to gain no.

00:03:27
Speaker 1: Kids to deal with and their last names. There ain't nothing, no, but I want to. So yes, it is different, and I knew what the answer was going to be when I propose. You should always know when it's like lawyers. Right, don't ask a question you don't know the answer to.

00:03:42
Speaker 2: We'll get into that too. That's a part of that's a part of the advice. This is one of my favorites. It was just one line. She came out of the closet while I was on bended knee.

00:03:51
Speaker 1: Wow, I mean again, that's all you, bro.

00:03:54
Speaker 2: I feel like it's good to know though there.

00:03:56
Speaker 1: Were never any signs really right, I.

00:03:58
Speaker 2: Think maybe that's one of those Upon reflection, yeahs to see that's tough. That's tough.

00:04:05
Speaker 1: I drove her.

00:04:07
Speaker 2: Too, or I was ready to marry her, this woman and walk down the aisle with her, and the whole time she doesn't even like men. What was I missing?

00:04:17
Speaker 1: Oh?

00:04:17
Speaker 2: You got to do a lot of self reflection on that one.

00:04:19
Speaker 1: Okay. So the two you've really also far have to do with things that should have been known previously.

00:04:26
Speaker 2: Yes, correct, okay, yes, And this third one is fun because again this goes straight into the why my friend proposed to his girlfriend at red Lobster in front of his whole family. She felt pressured, of course, and said yes. She broke up with him shortly before the wedding.

00:04:41
Speaker 1: Okay, I thought you were going to say shortly before dessert, nobody wants that. Where'd you get proposed in front of his whole family while they were serving up biscuits.

00:04:53
Speaker 2: I know that one made me laugh. I was thinking of you. I know you worked at Red Lobster, the.

00:04:58
Speaker 1: Whole thing, not a proposal place.

00:05:02
Speaker 2: Yes, where you do it matters, how you do it matters, when you do it matters. We're going to get into all of the wis right now. This is so interesting. So psychology today looked at hundreds of proposal stories and they studied why some of them were rejected. So the first they said, by far, the number one reason why she said no, too young, not ready. By far, the most rejections happened because the women thought they were just too young or they just were not ready for marriage yet.

00:05:30
Speaker 1: So it's not necessarily you're not the right guy, I don't want to marry you. It's not they're not saying I want this relationship to end. I guess it's difficult after you get rejected.

00:05:41
Speaker 2: And we'll get into those numbers in just a bit. But there were stories on this article. In that article about how mom said like a child's telling the story of their parents' proposal. Mom said no, but then two years later she said yes. I mean so that is one of those cases where maybe just let it go, let it breathe for a little bit.

00:05:59
Speaker 1: We're going to have to go back and watch that movie with our guy from White Lotus, like plays all the same arrogant guy. He proposed to someone and she said no, it was a horrible hiking. What what moviem I think about it?

00:06:10
Speaker 2: That was called I'll get it, I'll get it because it was a proposal and his feelings were, oh, that was so painful. Yeah, and you knew she was going to say no, and like, no, don't do it, don't do it, don't do it. She's not ready. Okay. Number two, the proposal was public. When men proposed in front of other people, their proposals were more likely to be rejected. I'm shocked. I thought it would be the opposite, they said. Other proposals that were accepted other people were present only about a third of the time. Of the proposals that were rejected, other people were present nearly half the time forty five percent. That that is that means you really really don't want to get married if you say no. In front of an entire group of people.

00:06:58
Speaker 1: What would you say? Is that possibly a signal of something else going in a relationship if somebody chooses to have an audience around like in that private, that that moment and to each his or her own and yes you maybe sometimes you want it.

00:07:12
Speaker 2: They don't.

00:07:12
Speaker 1: They do it a lot at uh Christmas and the family gatherings.

00:07:15
Speaker 2: People proposed to I would actually say, my friends who are Italian Americans, it is absolutely I have noticed a tradition where they will gather all their friends, all their family, and then it's like it's almost expected that they're waiting and then there's a party afterwards, and it's a big public thing. For me, that would be terrible. I would never want a public proposal.

00:07:38
Speaker 1: Yeah, I wonder what the numbers are on the te I bet there are very few that are rejected.

00:07:42
Speaker 2: I mean they do ahead of time almost certainly, but they.

00:07:45
Speaker 1: Oftentimes we talk about family, how important sometimes families are. I mean, you're girl over in New Jersey. It's a big deal, so that I can understand robes, but a public like you are really you got it? I would there should be one hundred percent success rate because if you got the balls to propose in front of people. You should know for sure she's gonna say yes enthusiastically.

00:08:07
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I guess, oh, my goodness, because you can even tell even when, like we've seen the stadium proposals where a young woman will say like yeah, but you can see on her face it's not gonna happen.

00:08:17
Speaker 1: Nobody does it in terrible woman wants that.

00:08:21
Speaker 2: I don't know. It's not me and I don't really know any of my friends who would prefer that.

00:08:24
Speaker 1: That's pressure. Spotlight is on you and you have to say yes. Well apparently not.

00:08:30
Speaker 2: Apparently not okay. Number three, this blows my mind. The couple never discussed marriage before the proposal. Every time a proposal was accepted, the couple had already discussed marriage. Of the proposals that were rejected, forty percent of them had not talked about it.

00:08:46
Speaker 1: And you deserve that.

00:08:47
Speaker 2: Why would a guy ask a woman to marry him without talking about the future ahead of time.

00:08:53
Speaker 1: Maybe wanted to be a surprise, getting.

00:08:55
Speaker 2: A feel for where she stood on things.

00:08:57
Speaker 1: Maybe wanted to be a surprise come out nowhere.

00:09:01
Speaker 2: Well he got surprised.

00:09:02
Speaker 1: If nothing else, don't you need to have some idea of the ring she wants.

00:09:06
Speaker 2: Uh, that's just that's that. More on that to come. Okay, the couple had not been dated for as many years, so when proposals were accepted, the couple had been dating for nearly twice as many years as when proposals were rejected. So the average I was surprised by this four years and they were that was like the like the one that were most people said yes. Two years was where there were more rejections. So they were just saying, the longer you're dating, the more likely it is to be accepted. That makes sense because if she's stuck around waiting for you to propose, she's probably gonna say yes.

00:09:43
Speaker 1: Ah, okay, I didn't even think about it like that. Okay, I got you all right.

00:09:48
Speaker 2: Number five, the man doesn't have a ring. It wasn't even that they didn't like the ring. There are men who propose without a ring. And if you want statistics men here it is. When the man did not offer a ring, his proposal was eight and a half times more likely to be rejected, just eight eight and a half sometimes more likely to be rejected. And how about this, if he did not get down on one knee. His proposal was four zero point seven times more likely to be rejected.

00:10:16
Speaker 1: Okay, but you down on one knee. Nobody's getting down on a knee without a ring though, right, that's not what we're talking about.

00:10:22
Speaker 2: Yeah, you're right when you get down on one knee. Although some people, you know, what they do, like this is a promised ring and they'll bring like a little bubblegum thing or a string.

00:10:29
Speaker 1: I've seen you present that from a knee.

00:10:31
Speaker 2: I have seen people do on a knee. Yes, Like maybe it's just in a movie or on a reality show, but I have a vision of that. I'm like, dude, if you're gonna do that, go ahead and get a ring. Maybe we've seen it on a ninety day fiance when they don't have a lot of money and they like remember the guy who did the ring and tied it around.

00:10:47
Speaker 1: On a soccer field.

00:10:48
Speaker 2: Yeah, but he got down on one knee and he a string around her finger and I.

00:10:52
Speaker 1: Was like, wait, that's all I had to do.

00:10:54
Speaker 2: No again, eight and a half times more likely to be rejected if you don't have a ring.

00:11:00
Speaker 1: Okay, on that point, can you ever propose with that?

00:11:02
Speaker 2: Or inn? I think you can if you're I don't know if there's a reason why neither one of you have any money and there's a there's a promise for something later.

00:11:12
Speaker 1: But it seems like that shouldn't be a proposal that's almost a discussion, like the formality of getting down on a knee and saying will you marry me? Yes?

00:11:22
Speaker 2: Uh?

00:11:22
Speaker 1: Now what do we do? We want to go lunch? I mean that there had to be some ceremonial something in that moment that signifies that we are now more than we were.

00:11:31
Speaker 2: I agree. I think that's important for me. It would be important. And it's not even like it doesn't have to be some like huge, you know, diamond ring. It could be if you don't have the money or the funds or whatever. You can't tell me you can't go out and buy a thirty dollars you know, gold plated band or whatever, just as a symbol and say this will be replaced by something when we build something more and better. But just I think it's a signal that I took the time to consider you, to find something to recognize that we are now. Yeah, it's a gesture. It doesn't have to be an expensive gesture, but to not have one to me, speaks volumes about your level of preparedness, how you regardless of preparedness. I just all of that would also that would all bother me.

00:12:12
Speaker 1: Generally do most well. I guess how large of a segment of the population has the feeling that it doesn't matter, It shouldn't matter, this is a stupid tradition rings and signifying this and showing that I'm now your blah blah blah. I mean, what is there a good ground swell of support for that mindset or is that just something we'd like to say out loud in public and secretly? Every single woman wants the biggest ring possible.

00:12:39
Speaker 2: I think that the ding. I think the last thing you just said is the truth.

00:12:44
Speaker 1: Nobody will admit that.

00:12:45
Speaker 2: Nobody will admit that, because then now you're shallow and all you care about is the bling on your finger. No, no one wants to admit I mean, some people will happily admit that, but I think most people don't. All right, And finally, one of the reasons why they found that women say no the man proposed in an attempt to save the relationship.

00:13:07
Speaker 1: Oh that's bad.

00:13:09
Speaker 2: That makes sense, though, I was like, Yep, I totally get that. Yes, they said. One of the reasons that was mentioned why proposals were rejected that the man was doing it to save the relationship. The couple was having problems and the man thought a marriage proposal would solve them. It's kind of like when you joke to me, if we're like, you know, we're in a little bit of a funk, You'll say, you know what, we should have a baby, that'll fix everything.

00:13:32
Speaker 1: Once a week, I probably say that to.

00:13:34
Speaker 2: Me at least once a week, and then I start laughing, like, you know what we should we should definitely have a baby. Is that'll fix it all?

00:13:42
Speaker 1: That's always say, you know what they thinks will be better when the baby gets it all right.

00:13:46
Speaker 2: When we come back, we're gonna tell you you you hit on this a little bit. You would be surprised at just what what the percentage is of people who continue to date after she says no. Welcome back everyone to Amy and TJ. As we talk about rejection is protection. Yes, we were shocked to find out that one in four women say they have turned down a proposal in their lifetime. And there have been some fascinating looks that just the stories behind the nose and the whys behind the nose? Why do women say no? And yes? I think all of them were Yes, they made a lot of sense, and I think most women would agree. Yep, I need a ring. I want you down on one knee. I don't want you to do this to fix the relationship. Let's not make this public. Let's have dated at least for a decent amount of time. And why don't you have discussed this before we actually go through with the anails.

00:14:53
Speaker 1: I'm not sure if I know the answer. And this is a very big mistake. I should never do this. And if this doesn't go well, I'm going to edit it out. I don't think have you rejected a marriage proposal?

00:15:04
Speaker 2: I have not. Okay, no, no, And look, so.

00:15:08
Speaker 1: My chances were high you're gonna say this.

00:15:11
Speaker 2: No, we had discussed it before.

00:15:14
Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, you know we didn't discuss time. Well, we discussed.

00:15:18
Speaker 2: Marriage, but I told you I wanted to marry, and I've told.

00:15:21
Speaker 1: You plenty of times. Yes, so we had, but we didn't go but timing. We didn't do anything else, but we had an understanding that this would be accepted.

00:15:29
Speaker 2: You shocked the hell out of me. I was not prepared for it. I did not know you were preparing to do it. In fact, I actually I I'm rarely shocked in my life. I was genuinely shocked on that day, and it was a it was a good shock. I was like blown away. I immediately started crying happy tears. I was. I was, yeah, you did a really good job. But we had talked a lot about wanting, obviously to be married and to continue our lives together, and I had told you I wanted to be your wife.

00:15:59
Speaker 1: Now, this is a close as I am going to get. We have been very, very protective of our engagement story. This is as far as I will go, robes, as far as I will go, because it goes in line with something you were talking about that should happen in public with people all around And that's all I'm going to say.

00:16:18
Speaker 2: That is true.

00:16:19
Speaker 1: It did happen in public with people all around us, and yet it was private and it worked.

00:16:27
Speaker 2: Yep, Because yes, that was actually perfect. It was a perfect public setting. That was that we were still allowed to have a private moment. No one knew around us what had just happened.

00:16:38
Speaker 1: That is funny. There's one I don't know if we will ever actually we should commit. I don't ever want that story out. I don't. But there are people who are for they will are a part of our relationship that have no idea that's true, that is true.

00:16:54
Speaker 2: No, And this was there was some shocking or surprising parts to this survey that was done, This study that was done. Would you be surprised to hear that thirty one percent of couples where she rejected his proposal went on to continue to date.

00:17:13
Speaker 1: That sounds right, And you know what, I wouldn't have been surprised if that was a little higher. That makes just it's a timing issue. It's tough to get past, I suppose, Robes, because you said going to date, he didn't say going to marry. Is there a different stat on that one.

00:17:28
Speaker 2: Some of them eventually did marry, And I will say this, on average the relationship lasted another two and a half years, but in most cases it did end. But in some cases they did go on to mary.

00:17:41
Speaker 1: It's tough to get past that one. And also, Robes, if someone says no to a proposal, there's probably a good reason for it. Then maybe we need to flesh out in the next couple of years. Absolutely.

00:17:53
Speaker 2: And look, I had a good friend who said no to her now husband and he was devastated. He was gutted. I mean he was crying. But they didn't break up, and a year later he proposed again. She got pregnant and the next time she.

00:18:08
Speaker 1: Said, yes, told you everything's better with the baby.

00:18:13
Speaker 2: I told you, Wow, I just brought that full circle. Yes, and now they've got two kids, still married. All good, But okay, I actually don't know if she had not gotten pregnant, if they would have gotten married. She has all feat She wasn't sure if she wanted it wasn't not. She didn't. She was never unsure about him. She was unsure about the institution of marriage. And so that is something that a lot I think a lot of young folks are like that. Now they're weary of the institutional, kids.

00:18:40
Speaker 1: Calling it an institution. That's maybe why marriage has a pr problem. First of all, two people with two divorces are talking about it, but nobody wants to listen to us because they failed. They don't know what they're doing. No, listen to us. We are experts in this, and when you're twenty three, I can recognize the things you're doing your relationship that I can confidently say, get out, get away, this ain't gonna happen. But then robes. A lot of times you have to make those mistakes and you have to learn. But robes. At the same time, I hate people not trying. I want everybody to keep going for it, go after love. You're gonna learn those things. They're gonna make you happy later. But when you start with that robes, when you start with the institution of marriage, I'm scared to do this or I don't believe in it. I hate that mindset.

00:19:29
Speaker 2: I you know, I know that you just said that. You know said that.

00:19:32
Speaker 1: I know Jelo keeps going for it. Six seven hate. It doesn't matter going for love.

00:19:36
Speaker 2: I mean Elizabeth Taylor, she still holds the record. What Jlo No, Elizabeth Taylor. I think it's in question because she married one of her husbands twice, so it's always like I never know what the number is.

00:19:48
Speaker 1: Still a marriage, that's a marriage, but hate marriage is seven husbands kind of thing.

00:19:53
Speaker 2: But good luck to you guys out there. And certainly I think everyone should read that article before they get down on one, or certainly every woman should look and see wait does he fit all these things? He doing this all right before I say yes.

00:20:07
Speaker 1: And remember just have a baby. If you have a question, it solves everything.

00:20:11
Speaker 2: There we go, perfect way to end and with that everyone, we always appreciate you listening to us. I made me robot alongside t. J. Holmes. We'll talk soon.