Nov. 4, 2025

Healing Relationship Patterns: Mindfulness, Self-Discovery, and Lasting Love

Healing Relationship Patterns: Mindfulness, Self-Discovery, and Lasting Love
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Join Dr. Doug as he talks with Amber Lavin, a relationship coach specializing in mindful dating and neural rewiring, about how childhood experiences shape our relationship choices—and how we can break free of repeating painful patterns. Amber shares her own story of transformation from ten years in an unfulfilling relationship to finding a secure, loving partnership and the steps you can duplicate.

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This program is designed to provide general information with regards

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to the subject matters covered. This information is given with

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the understanding that neither the hosts, guests, sponsors, or station

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are engaged in rendering any specific and personal medical, financial,

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legal counseling, professional service, or any advice. You should seek

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the services of competent professionals before applying or trying any

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suggested ideas.

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At the end of the day, it's not about what

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you have or even what you've accomplished. It's about what

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you've done with those accomplishments. It's about who you've lifted up,

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who you've made better. It's about what you've given back.

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Thanzel Washington, Welcome to Inspire Vision. Our sole purpose is

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to elevate the lives of others and to inspire you

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to do the same.

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Ember, Welcome to the show.

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Thank you so much for having me.

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Oh I died to have you on the show. You know,

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this whole topic about relationships I think is so important,

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and you know there's a few people to talk about it,

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but I think you have some interesting insights, so you know,

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i'd love I'm going to look forward to this, but

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would you just kind of share with the audience.

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Your background, sure, Yeah. I'm a relationship coach based out

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of Asheville, North Carolina, and my focus is on mind

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body connection and understanding how when we have body awareness

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and use mindfulness on our relationships, it actually creates more

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presence and more vulnerability and we're able to connect more fully.

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And I also me and my husband own our business together.

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He does counseling and I do coaching, and sometimes we

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refer each other out or vice versa well.

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And that's interesting because he's a psychiatrist or psychologist, right.

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The therapist, he's a therapist.

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Interesting how you have the therapy and have you have

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the coaching.

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And that's an interesting distinction, isn't it.

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Yeah. I think that there's a lot of people who it's. Yeah,

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it's becoming more and more of a thing. People are

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interested in coaching and interested in therapy and they can

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kind of be adjacent and so understanding that it's it

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is different, and they can actually work very closely together.

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I work with a lot of therapists and I think

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that's the best way to do it of having wrap

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around support. We all just we all need it.

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Yeah, yeah, true.

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So you on your website, you you had an interesting story,

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and I think to get this started, I'd love for

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you to share your story behind quote true connection.

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Yeah. So I kind of grew up as most of us,

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did not much knowledge about how to have a successful relationship,

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just kind of watching movies or watching people around me.

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But no one really was like, this is how you

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have a healthy connection and reallylationship, and so I would

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just kind of, you know, bump into people and just

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be like, oh, this, this seems like it's working. And

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I experienced a lot of painful experiences and was in

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a lot of based on my own dynamics and you

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know development, neural pathway development, I ended up being in

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a lot of relationships with emotionally unavailable men, and I

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just thought, as many clients I have, think like, oh,

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this is just the way it is, like this is

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how men are, or this is just how you know

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my hand that I'm dealt. And I ended a ten

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year relationship. We were never married, and it was a

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great relationship within of itself, but there was a lot

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lacking for me emotionally in that relationship and I just

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had this kind of like alcoholics have, I just had

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this breakdown moment of being like there has to be

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something different because I started dating because I thought, oh,

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it's going to be different. It's a different person. It

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was the same type of person, it was just changing

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the name. And so I started doing all kinds of

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healing modalities, trainings, and I created my own path for

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rewiring my neural pathway for who I attract and how

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I present in a relationship and in dating, and everything changed.

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It was kind of amazing. And I met my husband

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and he was just enamored with me. And he's just

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a very like, wonderful, securely attached person and we have

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a beautiful marriage. We have two children, we own a

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business together, and it's beyond my wildest dreams.

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Wow. And you know, it's so interesting.

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We always talk about marriages and divorce and the divorce

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rate in the US is so high.

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I mean, what is it now, six or so? And

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yet you know, it was interesting.

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In my previous life. Yeah, I was a dentist and

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I used to work with different modalities, but one of

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the areas that I just had a subspecialty in was

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in people who had chronic had neck pain. And unfortunately,

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in dentistry they called it TMJ, you know, and so

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people would walk in and go, okay, doctor, I have

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TMJ and I'm going no, no, no, no, no, you

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have two. You got one on one side and one

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on the other side, So tell me what's your problem.

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And as we got into that and delved in the

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actual problem, then we were able to come up with

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a solution that actually worked, which was really wonderful to do.

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And I think it's the same thing here that you

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just shared that you know so often we don't get

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to the cause of what's happening with these relationships, and

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it sounded like, ultimately, after your ten years and other relationships,

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that you finally kind of broke down. And by the way,

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I've been through the same thing to the point that

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you've done that inner work and literally changed who you are,

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and that's not easy to do. But as you change that,

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you attracted an entirely different person. So what I'd like

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for you to do is share with the audience what

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are some of the changes that you had to make,

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and what are some of the changes that you as

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you work with and I assume you work mainly with

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ladies from what I could tell from your website, what

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are some of the changes you work with them? To

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make so that they can start getting into a healthier relationship.

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Yeah, I have created a very specific six step process

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and it's exactly what I did, and that's what I

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walk women through, and I think anyone can really do it.

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Even a listener right now could do it on their own.

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And what I did is I to take a complete

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inventory of my love life and my relationships and find

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specific patterns of what was happening. Because there's always a pattern,

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there's always a cycle to what's happening, and so it

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could be, you know, a specific type of person or

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a specific type of personality, and so I had to

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do that audit, a relationship audit of my past relationships.

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The next step is to get really clear about who

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you are and what you want in your life and

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your values, because if you're someone who is religious, you

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need to probably be with someone who's also religious. That's

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a very important value to some people, and not everyone

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does that deep dive of their own values and who

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they want in their lives. And that's what I had

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to do, was really get clear about what my values were.

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The next parts were creating very specific habits around my

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dating so that I could have a regulated nervous system,

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because if we're just regulated and in fight or flight

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when we go on a date, we do not have

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clear thinking or being flooded with so many chemicals and hormones,

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it just shuts offs offline. And especially if you have

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relational wounds and you get triggered, you're not making very

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good choices in that moment. And so I had to

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put very specific habits, like you know, a really simple

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example is doing a five minute meditation before a date.

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And everyone has these ways now that we're optimizing, like

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our sleep and our eating, and people know about these

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types of ways to regulate their nervous systems, but not

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everyone is putting them specifically in that dating part to

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where they can start a date that way and end

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a date that way. And so that's what I did

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as well, is I created self soothing habits so that

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I had to regulate a nervous system during the dating journey.

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And the next part was that I made sure that

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I had a continuation of presence and mindfulness. I really

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believe in mindful dating and present dating, so that you're

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able to actually see this new person in front of

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you because you're meeting someone for the first time, and

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even if it's not a match, it still can be

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an extraordinary experience just to like view someone new for

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the first time with fresh eyes. And the last part

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that I had to do for myself is create a

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support system and accountability, because we don't change unless we

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have that, unless we have accountability. As you know, you know,

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it takes three months to change a habit, So this

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is a skill set and if you want to change,

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it does take time to put those things into place.

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And that's what I had to do and that's what

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I walk my clients through.

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So if you look at at the age of your clients,

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do you find that there's a general age pattern that

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you work with and if so.

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What is that?

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Yeah, it tends to be women in their forties and fifties.

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Women that have been married and divorced.

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Yeah.

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Yeah, So here's my question, you know, as we get

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into the very first part of this, which is really

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all of those things that occurred that are lodged there

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in the subconscious mind, because you talk about neural plasticity

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and the fact that we have developed these neural pathways

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in our younger life to the point where we don't

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even realize that they're controlling us, and we end up

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attracting the very things that we wish we were avoiding,

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but we don't know why. So here's my question, at

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what age should someone really start looking at this? And

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how do we help prevent such a high divorce rate

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by getting to the cause here and working with young

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people at a particular age. What age do you think

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people should start really looking at this and parents should

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start helping their children to start looking at this.

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That's a wonderful question. I really appreciate you asking that

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because I would love to work with younger women. I

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think it's just the demographic that tends to be drawn

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to my work. And people go through a lot of

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pain and they're like, Okay, you know, I'm ready to change.

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But I on the earlier, the better teach your children

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how to understand what they want and need, and I

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do think there's a movement in that direction. I'm not

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one hundred percent on board with gentle parenting, but I

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think like respectful parenting and gentle parenting, those are actually

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ways that we're teaching our children to feel safe in

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their bodies so that they can actually give and receive

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love to others. But definitely young women learning how to

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I met with a young woman the other day at

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an event who she was like, I know this doesn't

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fully apply to me, but what's your advice for men?

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Like this applies all to you, Like this is the

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time you know, I don't want to meet you ten

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years after an abusive relationship, like this is the time

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to really understand who you are and what you want.

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And the biggest takeaway really is having a regulated nervous system.

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The more you are not in fight or flight, the

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more you can connect easily with other people and understand

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what your boundaries are and understand when something doesn't feel

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like a good fit.

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Well, and you know, it's interesting.

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I mean, I'm so tired of all the things they've

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been teaching or young people in school that they shouldn't

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be teaching. But the one thing that they should be

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teaching is a very thing that you're talking about. Particularly,

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you get to that age of eighteen, nineteen, twenty and

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twenty one, and for some I think for women, their

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brains form a little.

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Bit faster than for men.

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But at the same time, how do you help these

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young people to recognize at that age that they have

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this myriad of subconscious experiences that are literally affecting their

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life and their choices, and how do you help them

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to become aware of that?

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Number one?

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And then number two, what is your process because it's

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got to be the same for the women that you

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work with versus these younger people for them to actually

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get in there, dive in and find out Number one,

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what are these things that are really affecting me negatively

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that shouldn't be? And number two, who am I really?

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And I think that becomes the key to discover who

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not who we are, but who we can become us

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we get rid of a lot of that neural pathways

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that have been affected by our childhood.

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Yeah, And you know, I think it's so interesting because

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with the rise of TikTok, I do think there's a

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movement for young people with mental health because I think

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a lot of older people right like, we're talking about

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these things, and so I do think there is a

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huge movement around mental health and how to cope with

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day to day life. But it's a really good question

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of how do you at that age especially I know

246
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I was like this way, you couldn't tell me anything. Yeah,

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But I really think it starts with the parents and

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parents being able to do parenting in a way that

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really values a child. That doesn't mean you just let

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them do whatever they want or they get to, you know,

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break the rules. We all need boundaries, but really starting

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at a young age, understanding that it's okay to have feelings,

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that you're safe, and that you're allowed to know what

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you want and ask for what you want. I think

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with some of the older generation parenting models it was

256
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very much like, you know, don't talk, sit in a corner,

257
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don't speak until you're spoken to, which was maybe worked

258
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during that time, but I think it created a lot

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of adults who were then like I don't know who

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I am, I don't know who you are as my partner,

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and it just creates a lot of conflict. And so

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I do think there's a movement that's happening in that direction.

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So what would you say the first step for a

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young person who's in their early twenties that are getting

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out there and dating and so forth, what are some

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of the steps that if they were self aware enough

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that they would actually start to do some of that

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introspective work. What would be some of the first steps

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you'd work with them to do, because I guarantee you

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that that's what you do with your older clients. Yeah.

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Yeah, So the first step would really be get clear

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about your values, what your belief systems are, who you are,

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what your values are, what you're okay with, what you're

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not okay with, because once you understand that, it's a

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lot easier to when you meet someone out and about

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and they just you know, because when we have chemistry

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and attraction, it kind of just they gets us in

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this different state of mind to where we don't fully

279
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see someone for who they are and we're like, oh,

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they're a smoker. I never wanted to be with a smoker,

281
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but I'm really attracted in them, So maybe maybe they're

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going to quit, right, But that should be a hard

283
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line of that that is a very important value to you,

284
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and you want someone in your life who doesn't smoke.

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And even if you're young and not looking to get married,

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you want people in your life that enhance the best

287
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parts of you. And so knowing who you are, knowing

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what your values are, then you can invite those people

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into your life. And this type of process. I have

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women who I have a support group too that goes

291
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through the exact same process, who are like I apply

292
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this to my friendships. I applied this to my coworkers

293
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because it seems really simplistic, but it really is just

294
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a matter of knowing what you are and knowing what

295
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you want and inviting that into your life.

296
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Well, and you talked a little bit about meditation, but

297
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I want to go in a little bit deeper because values,

298
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I agree with you, is totally extremely important. But that

299
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doesn't necessarily yet in my opinion, at least into the

300
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root causes. It's a part of the root cause. But

301
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you have so many situations where people stay in relationships

302
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that they should never stay in. They're codependent, and you

303
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have situations where people feel like, you know what, I'm

304
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just not worthy of someone really good, so they'll settle

305
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for something different. How do you help these women to

306
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get into that root cause of you know what, these

307
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are the imprints that I have experienced from childhood that

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are subconscious.

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I don't even.

310
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Recognize they're there, and yet it's affecting the outcome of

311
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my life. How do you help them to recognize what

312
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they are number one and number two changing and move

313
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them away in the neural pathways and bring in new

314
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neural pathways.

315
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Yeah, you're absolutely correct. The values part is just the

316
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surface level. Really, it's a core wound of feeling unworthy

317
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and that's what keeps people stuck in bad relationships and

318
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toxic relationships. And the way that I do that is

319
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very early on we do a relationship audit and relationship inventory,

320
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which people hate, like this is horrible, but very quickly

321
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we are able to see that, Okay, there's a very

322
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core belief that. For example, something that comes up pretty

323
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often is I don't get what I want, right, I don't.

324
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I don't get what I want. And so the way

325
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we work on that in session, a belief is something

326
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that is very ingrained. Yeah, it's a neural pathway. We

327
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try to confirm our beliefs constantly. That's what we all do.

328
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We're all creating our reality. We're just walking around trying

329
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to confirm our beliefs. And so really the first step

330
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is understanding that neural plasticity. I really have to have

331
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a conversation with my clients in the beginning that you

332
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can change this neural pathway, you can change what you're perceiving.

333
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And once I get by in where they can start

334
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to see that yes, I'm starting to see that this

335
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perse is changing a little bit. We take teeny tiny

336
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micro steps of how that shows up. For example, going

337
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to a coffee shop and you know this is from

338
00:20:11.480 --> 00:20:14.400
a past client and wanting a specific being with a

339
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group of people and wanting a specific thing and not

340
00:20:17.519 --> 00:20:19.960
saying anything, and then get a resentful that no one

341
00:20:20.079 --> 00:20:23.359
noticed that you wanted a specific thing. That is such

342
00:20:23.440 --> 00:20:26.759
a such a small, beautiful moment of a way to

343
00:20:26.839 --> 00:20:29.839
change that neural pathway, the ability to speak up and

344
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say I want this thing, and then taking those tiny,

345
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tiny steps and then being able to apply it on

346
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a bigger scale of understanding that you are allowed to

347
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ask for what you want.

348
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Well, you know, the word that comes to my mind

349
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is discovery. How do you help these women to discover

350
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those self sabotaging beliefs? How how do they become aware?

351
00:20:57.319 --> 00:20:59.240
You know, you talked a little bit about mindfulness, and

352
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we'll talk about that a little bit further hopefully, But

353
00:21:02.079 --> 00:21:05.200
how do you help them to become mindful enough that

354
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they are aware when those perceptions come up and those

355
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emotions come up, recognizing that wow, you know that's not

356
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who I am. This is something that has been imprinted

357
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on me from early childhood and it's not doing me

358
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any favors. How do you help them to recognize all

359
00:21:24.160 --> 00:21:27.279
of those little items so that they can start to

360
00:21:27.359 --> 00:21:29.480
really actually work on the problem.

361
00:21:31.279 --> 00:21:35.119
Yeah, a lot of it is getting knee deep, knitty,

362
00:21:35.119 --> 00:21:39.319
gritty in the dirt, and it's uncomfortable to have a

363
00:21:39.359 --> 00:21:44.240
long conversation with someone just for an hour of and

364
00:21:44.920 --> 00:21:48.200
some people some people show up and they're ready. They're ready,

365
00:21:48.279 --> 00:21:49.920
like I want to go there and I want to

366
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figure this out. Yeah, And the way I do that

367
00:21:53.559 --> 00:22:00.240
is motivational interviewing, essentially asking questions because truly only we

368
00:22:00.319 --> 00:22:02.960
know the answers of how to heal and what's going on.

369
00:22:03.599 --> 00:22:06.519
And I would say ninety percent of people that I

370
00:22:06.599 --> 00:22:10.200
work with have some sort of understanding of what's happening,

371
00:22:10.920 --> 00:22:13.480
and sitting through an hour long conversation of someone just

372
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being like, Oh, what did that mean? Why did you

373
00:22:16.039 --> 00:22:18.920
do that? What did that bring up for you? Similar

374
00:22:18.960 --> 00:22:22.599
to therapy, but we don't go too far into trauma.

375
00:22:22.680 --> 00:22:25.680
But as I sit with women, and we truly start

376
00:22:25.720 --> 00:22:29.799
to uncover pretty early on. With the women I work with,

377
00:22:30.119 --> 00:22:34.000
we find a core belief like I don't deserve love,

378
00:22:34.240 --> 00:22:38.079
or I'm unworthy of love, and we just hatch away

379
00:22:38.400 --> 00:22:41.079
at that belief and I shouldn't use that kind of

380
00:22:41.160 --> 00:22:43.759
language because I don't like that. Really, we hold the

381
00:22:43.799 --> 00:22:47.759
belief and allow it and bring it to awareness and

382
00:22:47.839 --> 00:22:52.519
even nurture it, because the more we avoid something, the

383
00:22:52.519 --> 00:22:54.680
more it's going to come up. And so if we

384
00:22:54.759 --> 00:22:59.119
allow those uncomfortable feelings, that's where the change actually happens.

385
00:23:00.240 --> 00:23:02.079
And you know, it's interesting as you say, you know,

386
00:23:02.119 --> 00:23:04.200
and you don't like the words, but it's true, I'm

387
00:23:04.200 --> 00:23:06.759
not good enough, you know, so on and so forth,

388
00:23:07.759 --> 00:23:12.720
and when you think about that, people have to be right.

389
00:23:13.440 --> 00:23:16.599
And so what I find interesting is we will do

390
00:23:16.680 --> 00:23:20.920
the very things we're trying to avoid because subconsciously we're

391
00:23:20.960 --> 00:23:21.519
trying to.

392
00:23:21.440 --> 00:23:24.880
Prove ourselves right. And you know, you.

393
00:23:24.759 --> 00:23:29.519
Talk about trauma, and as you know from the research,

394
00:23:29.880 --> 00:23:35.359
there's a huge percentage of young people that have experienced trauma,

395
00:23:35.440 --> 00:23:39.519
whether it's it's all different types of trauma, emotional, whatever.

396
00:23:39.240 --> 00:23:40.160
That happens to be.

397
00:23:41.240 --> 00:23:43.920
How often do you find as you're working with clients

398
00:23:44.000 --> 00:23:48.480
that they have experienced or at least their perception has been.

399
00:23:49.200 --> 00:23:52.200
Sometimes it's real, and sometimes it's a perception that they

400
00:23:52.240 --> 00:23:56.880
have experienced trauma in their early childhood and that literally

401
00:23:57.000 --> 00:24:01.960
is affecting their ability to choose a positive, healthy relationship.

402
00:24:04.160 --> 00:24:06.400
I would say most of my clients even just like

403
00:24:06.440 --> 00:24:08.680
a you know, there's big T trauma and there's small

404
00:24:08.720 --> 00:24:11.039
T trauma, and I would say most of my clients

405
00:24:11.079 --> 00:24:13.720
have had some sort of small T trauma. And I

406
00:24:13.799 --> 00:24:16.559
do a lot of work around attachment theory as well.

407
00:24:16.640 --> 00:24:19.400
That's something that I do try to understand in the

408
00:24:19.440 --> 00:24:23.640
beginning of what their attachment style is because it could

409
00:24:23.680 --> 00:24:27.720
have been as simple as feeling ignored as a child, right,

410
00:24:27.880 --> 00:24:30.880
you just feel ignored all the time, and then what

411
00:24:30.920 --> 00:24:34.119
do you do. You're an adult and you're getting with

412
00:24:34.160 --> 00:24:36.720
people who ignore you and you're you're like, I don't

413
00:24:36.720 --> 00:24:40.799
want to do this, but there's just something that's happening.

414
00:24:41.359 --> 00:24:44.319
And so that's that's a big thing that I focus on,

415
00:24:44.640 --> 00:24:48.799
is understanding attachment style. And I think that's a really

416
00:24:49.359 --> 00:24:52.599
good way and it can it really simplifies it because

417
00:24:53.319 --> 00:24:56.160
there's there's three styles and most people can pretty quickly

418
00:24:56.240 --> 00:24:58.119
put them themselves in those categories.

419
00:24:59.000 --> 00:25:00.519
Well, and you know, as you.

420
00:25:00.440 --> 00:25:02.240
Talk about trauma and the big tea and the load

421
00:25:02.279 --> 00:25:04.240
and the small tea and I, you know, appreciate how

422
00:25:04.279 --> 00:25:08.759
you say that your husband's a therapist. Yeah, okay, at

423
00:25:08.799 --> 00:25:13.000
what point in time if someone has experienced a bad relationship,

424
00:25:13.079 --> 00:25:15.960
they just got out of it, they're seeking some help,

425
00:25:16.640 --> 00:25:19.519
They're looking to get some help from you, and you

426
00:25:19.599 --> 00:25:21.759
recognize that, Wow, this is a big ta.

427
00:25:22.960 --> 00:25:25.160
What why would they want to go to.

428
00:25:25.160 --> 00:25:29.799
A therapist instead, if that's what you would suggest, And

429
00:25:29.839 --> 00:25:32.319
if so, what's that therapist going to do that you

430
00:25:32.400 --> 00:25:33.039
could not do?

431
00:25:34.640 --> 00:25:36.559
Great question. I love that you asked.

432
00:25:36.319 --> 00:25:39.880
That only because your husband's a therapist.

433
00:25:40.319 --> 00:25:40.559
Yeah.

434
00:25:41.039 --> 00:25:42.880
Yeah, Well, I think it's really important. I think there's

435
00:25:43.000 --> 00:25:45.240
there in the coaching world. I think there needs to

436
00:25:45.240 --> 00:25:47.759
be some really good distinctions between that and not everyone

437
00:25:47.759 --> 00:25:50.160
agrees with that, but that's for me. I think there's

438
00:25:50.160 --> 00:25:53.559
some ethical questions with coaching, especially when you start coaching

439
00:25:53.599 --> 00:25:58.799
in this internal way. And so if your trauma, like

440
00:25:58.880 --> 00:26:02.000
even if it's a little teacher trauma, is affecting your

441
00:26:02.079 --> 00:26:04.720
day to day life to where you can't get out

442
00:26:04.720 --> 00:26:07.119
of bed or you're having a hard time going to work,

443
00:26:07.720 --> 00:26:11.799
that would probably be more for therapy. Also for me,

444
00:26:13.079 --> 00:26:17.640
if I have a client who has a diagnosed mental

445
00:26:17.640 --> 00:26:20.720
health issue and they're not seeing a therapist, I will

446
00:26:20.759 --> 00:26:24.079
refer out. I will not work with someone who unless

447
00:26:24.400 --> 00:26:28.960
they've sought treatment, they have a treatment plan and they

448
00:26:29.079 --> 00:26:32.960
know their treatment plan. But if they have a significant

449
00:26:33.839 --> 00:26:37.359
mental health diagnosis, I will typically refer out if they

450
00:26:37.359 --> 00:26:39.319
don't already have a therapist. I do work with a

451
00:26:39.319 --> 00:26:41.519
lot of people who have a therapist, and me and

452
00:26:41.559 --> 00:26:46.559
the therapists work together. And so the benefit of doing

453
00:26:46.599 --> 00:26:50.839
that is that a therapist can diagnose, they can talk

454
00:26:50.839 --> 00:26:56.640
about medication. They also do that deeper trauma work, and

455
00:26:58.200 --> 00:27:01.079
some coaches will do that. But the difference is a

456
00:27:01.160 --> 00:27:05.920
therapist has a supervisor typically or they're seeking outside council,

457
00:27:06.680 --> 00:27:09.960
and so they have a treatment plan and so they

458
00:27:10.000 --> 00:27:13.119
have a beginning, middle, and end, and they also use

459
00:27:13.680 --> 00:27:20.880
modalities such as EMDR cognitive based therapy, and coaches can

460
00:27:20.960 --> 00:27:25.359
get in that. But therapists have very very intensive training

461
00:27:25.839 --> 00:27:30.400
of how to help someone process a trauma, and so

462
00:27:30.880 --> 00:27:33.160
that would be the benefit of seeing a therapist. And

463
00:27:33.200 --> 00:27:36.519
they can take insurance, so typically it's cheaper.

464
00:27:37.720 --> 00:27:39.599
Well, and you know, as you look at it, how

465
00:27:39.640 --> 00:27:45.680
many how many women have married their fathers, how many

466
00:27:45.880 --> 00:27:48.119
men have married their mothers?

467
00:27:48.319 --> 00:27:50.920
And obviously you work mainly with the women.

468
00:27:51.480 --> 00:27:54.359
But you know, I look at that and recognize that,

469
00:27:54.480 --> 00:27:58.400
you know, so often we tend to and not even

470
00:27:58.480 --> 00:28:00.960
recognizing because we all love our parents just some degree,

471
00:28:01.039 --> 00:28:04.559
but not recognizing that we've married someone very similar, and

472
00:28:04.599 --> 00:28:06.920
as we get a little bit older, recognizing that it's

473
00:28:07.000 --> 00:28:10.359
those negative things that are really causing the challenge and

474
00:28:10.359 --> 00:28:11.200
a relationship.

475
00:28:11.279 --> 00:28:12.400
What do you find with that?

476
00:28:13.880 --> 00:28:18.759
Yeah, so we all have wounds that happen, and typically

477
00:28:18.839 --> 00:28:20.920
they're caused by our parents. And I'm not trying to,

478
00:28:21.079 --> 00:28:24.279
you know, talk bad about parents. It's just the reality,

479
00:28:24.440 --> 00:28:28.440
especially in our relationships, that's what we're recreating is our

480
00:28:28.480 --> 00:28:35.200
family dynamics, and so that wound, we're just looking for

481
00:28:35.279 --> 00:28:39.039
the right fit for that wound. So, using the ignoring example,

482
00:28:39.119 --> 00:28:41.160
if you felt ignored as a child, and you're a

483
00:28:41.200 --> 00:28:44.359
woman and you're dating, and you're on a date with

484
00:28:44.400 --> 00:28:46.960
a guy and he's on his phone the whole time.

485
00:28:47.599 --> 00:28:50.440
Even though someone else might be like, oh, that is

486
00:28:51.240 --> 00:28:54.759
not cool, that's rude for them to do that, somewhere

487
00:28:54.799 --> 00:28:59.680
in your nervous system that feels right, and so you

488
00:29:00.079 --> 00:29:03.480
might actually start having this anxious feeling like, oh, I

489
00:29:03.519 --> 00:29:06.039
really want his attention I'm going to do more to

490
00:29:06.079 --> 00:29:08.319
get his attention, or I'm going to text him the

491
00:29:08.319 --> 00:29:10.799
next day really quickly because now I feel like I

492
00:29:10.880 --> 00:29:14.519
need his attention. And so, yeah, I think that most

493
00:29:14.559 --> 00:29:18.559
of us are recreating our family dynamics, and most family

494
00:29:18.640 --> 00:29:24.000
dynamics are aren't that bad, really, but there's always stuff.

495
00:29:24.440 --> 00:29:27.240
And so I think in general, the more we can

496
00:29:27.359 --> 00:29:32.480
understand ourselves and understand what's happened to us, the more

497
00:29:32.680 --> 00:29:37.240
we can create healthy, long lasting relationships. And I don't

498
00:29:37.279 --> 00:29:40.640
think people some people think that relationships are meant to

499
00:29:40.680 --> 00:29:44.160
be a roller coaster with ups and downs and fighting

500
00:29:44.240 --> 00:29:47.160
and then which fighting is part of it, but it

501
00:29:47.680 --> 00:29:50.359
relationships do not have to be a roller coaster that

502
00:29:50.400 --> 00:29:52.920
doesn't have Families don't have to be a roller coaster.

503
00:29:53.519 --> 00:29:57.559
And really, if you want to go even earlier, getting

504
00:29:57.599 --> 00:30:00.640
into family therapy, if you're if you're you know, a

505
00:30:00.720 --> 00:30:03.279
mom and you have a you're listening to this and

506
00:30:03.319 --> 00:30:05.079
you're like, this is how me and my husband are

507
00:30:05.680 --> 00:30:09.599
get into family therapy so that your kiddo can understand

508
00:30:10.119 --> 00:30:14.319
what a healthy relationship looks like, because they are going

509
00:30:14.400 --> 00:30:17.359
to make their partners based on how they see you.

510
00:30:18.200 --> 00:30:20.680
Well, and you just hit my next point, and that's

511
00:30:20.720 --> 00:30:23.960
his parents. I think so often. You know, we talk

512
00:30:24.039 --> 00:30:28.920
about epigenetics, which is literally being able to change the

513
00:30:28.960 --> 00:30:32.079
way things are. And I look at my own personal

514
00:30:32.119 --> 00:30:35.359
family and recognize that I saw my dad and my

515
00:30:35.480 --> 00:30:40.400
mom literally, at least my dad particularly literally change some

516
00:30:40.480 --> 00:30:44.960
of those parenting patterns that he had experienced and it

517
00:30:45.079 --> 00:30:47.599
made all the difference in the world for his children.

518
00:30:48.000 --> 00:30:49.720
And I think we've done that. As I look at

519
00:30:49.759 --> 00:30:53.079
my kids, my boys that have children, and we talk

520
00:30:53.160 --> 00:30:57.640
about it, I've seen that they literally consciously are even

521
00:30:57.759 --> 00:31:01.119
changing some things that from their person they wanted to

522
00:31:01.200 --> 00:31:04.359
change as a parent. And I think, as you say,

523
00:31:04.559 --> 00:31:07.599
there's a lot of people listening to this that are married,

524
00:31:07.920 --> 00:31:12.519
that are struggling and don't realize that they literally can

525
00:31:12.559 --> 00:31:16.160
be the foundation if they'd be willing to make those

526
00:31:16.240 --> 00:31:21.880
changes themselves and those relationships to affect their children and

527
00:31:21.960 --> 00:31:25.440
their grandchildren and their posterity beyond because they've been able

528
00:31:25.480 --> 00:31:28.119
to change that habitual situation.

529
00:31:30.079 --> 00:31:34.480
Yeah, and that's you know, people, there's a whole thing

530
00:31:34.559 --> 00:31:38.839
about breaking generational curses, which kind of sounds extreme, and

531
00:31:38.920 --> 00:31:41.279
I don't fully agree with that because it sounds but

532
00:31:41.920 --> 00:31:44.880
there is a lineage that we all carry and a

533
00:31:44.920 --> 00:31:48.000
trauma that we all carry with our family dynamics and

534
00:31:48.039 --> 00:31:53.400
family history and being that person who breaks that cycle. Yeah,

535
00:31:53.440 --> 00:31:57.640
you could be changing that for every generation to come,

536
00:31:57.920 --> 00:31:59.640
which is really powerful.

537
00:32:00.920 --> 00:32:01.839
Well, it really is.

538
00:32:01.960 --> 00:32:05.119
And you know, as you talk about as we start

539
00:32:05.160 --> 00:32:09.960
getting into relationships, what is the main motivation in your experience,

540
00:32:10.039 --> 00:32:14.960
what's the main motivation for two people to get into

541
00:32:15.000 --> 00:32:19.599
a relationship as they get to be young adults.

542
00:32:21.039 --> 00:32:26.960
Yeah, I mean, really it's connection. And I when I'm

543
00:32:27.000 --> 00:32:30.920
working with people, I really try to hammer home the

544
00:32:31.039 --> 00:32:35.240
idea that we're animals and we want to be together.

545
00:32:36.079 --> 00:32:41.680
And this is the main thing, is that this is

546
00:32:42.000 --> 00:32:46.920
inherently a part of who we are, is to connect

547
00:32:47.000 --> 00:32:50.799
and love each other, and this is available to all

548
00:32:50.839 --> 00:32:53.319
of us. There's just been some things I think messed

549
00:32:53.359 --> 00:32:56.200
up in our society at some point, but we are

550
00:32:56.359 --> 00:33:00.279
meant to be together and there's some things that out

551
00:33:00.359 --> 00:33:02.960
now and I don't disagree with it fully, but I

552
00:33:03.000 --> 00:33:04.680
have women who are like, you know, oh, I need

553
00:33:04.720 --> 00:33:08.200
to be happy single. Yes, we should all be okay

554
00:33:08.400 --> 00:33:10.480
when we're alone. We shouldn't be in fight or flight

555
00:33:11.000 --> 00:33:17.039
when we're alone. But it's really so normal to have

556
00:33:17.119 --> 00:33:21.960
a very intense desire to be with another person romantically.

557
00:33:22.599 --> 00:33:27.480
This is a part of our DNA and finding ways

558
00:33:27.480 --> 00:33:30.799
where you can do that and feel safe and healthy,

559
00:33:31.119 --> 00:33:33.519
because I think people don't want to do it because

560
00:33:33.519 --> 00:33:35.920
they're like, oh, it's always you know, drama or hard.

561
00:33:36.440 --> 00:33:39.000
It does not have to be that way. That's that's

562
00:33:39.160 --> 00:33:41.319
not the truth of who we are.

563
00:33:42.519 --> 00:33:44.519
Well, And you know, I think you've hit a good

564
00:33:44.559 --> 00:33:50.160
point because society, at least the years past, have really

565
00:33:50.200 --> 00:33:53.839
emphasized this, okay to be single and you know, just

566
00:33:53.920 --> 00:33:57.240
be single, on and on and on, and yet I think

567
00:33:57.279 --> 00:34:00.640
that desire for connection, that desire for intimacy. And when

568
00:34:00.640 --> 00:34:03.839
we use the word intimacy, I'm not just talking about sex.

569
00:34:04.160 --> 00:34:08.360
I'm talking about that intimate connection with another person where

570
00:34:08.400 --> 00:34:12.079
you just feel connected, you feel loved, you feel one

571
00:34:12.360 --> 00:34:19.960
with them. How do we recognize in another person, Number one,

572
00:34:20.119 --> 00:34:24.559
that that is genuine intimacy as we just defined it.

573
00:34:24.639 --> 00:34:27.760
How can you help someone as they're working with you

574
00:34:27.840 --> 00:34:29.800
and all of a sudden they meet, you know, a guy,

575
00:34:30.559 --> 00:34:34.079
and you're trying to help them to recognize that, Okay,

576
00:34:34.199 --> 00:34:39.000
either this is ingenuine intimacy or this is truly a

577
00:34:39.079 --> 00:34:42.639
genuine connection that if you really work at it together,

578
00:34:42.880 --> 00:34:45.760
it can end up being a lasting relationship.

579
00:34:47.280 --> 00:34:51.199
Yeah, that's that's a great question. And this is where

580
00:34:51.480 --> 00:34:54.800
I think it's so important. This mindfulness piece comes in.

581
00:34:55.519 --> 00:34:58.639
And also, you know now people are starting to talk

582
00:34:58.639 --> 00:35:02.440
about embodiment and really that that's that's like a cousin

583
00:35:02.519 --> 00:35:11.679
to mindfulness. Understanding your body's signals is life changing, especially

584
00:35:11.679 --> 00:35:15.360
as you meet people. So for example, and I love

585
00:35:15.400 --> 00:35:17.639
that you talked about TMJ two because I think that

586
00:35:17.639 --> 00:35:19.920
that's you know, and I'm sure you know you know

587
00:35:20.000 --> 00:35:24.239
that whole tension it's just a queue from our bodies,

588
00:35:24.320 --> 00:35:28.079
right like, hey, something you're something's not going right, Like,

589
00:35:28.199 --> 00:35:31.400
let's let's talk about this. And so it's the same

590
00:35:31.440 --> 00:35:35.079
when you meet someone. So if you're feeling really tense

591
00:35:35.159 --> 00:35:38.719
and some anxiety is normal. But if you're feeling and

592
00:35:38.800 --> 00:35:42.639
really scared, a dropping feeling in your stomach, if you're

593
00:35:42.679 --> 00:35:45.880
having a lot of tension, even if on paper, this

594
00:35:45.960 --> 00:35:51.360
person checks all the boxes, really tune into what your

595
00:35:51.400 --> 00:35:55.000
body is telling you and slow down it. You know,

596
00:35:55.239 --> 00:35:59.800
potentially it could be just anxiety or if you're having

597
00:35:59.800 --> 00:36:03.519
some things come up on your own. But the more

598
00:36:03.559 --> 00:36:07.079
you're ape because our bodies are constantly communicating with us

599
00:36:07.119 --> 00:36:10.880
what's safe. And you know, people had experiences where they're,

600
00:36:11.199 --> 00:36:13.599
you know, somewhere and they had a feeling and then

601
00:36:13.639 --> 00:36:18.320
something happened. That's that's that's normal. That's not something that's

602
00:36:18.400 --> 00:36:23.400
way out there. We're our bodies are constantly communicating with us,

603
00:36:23.519 --> 00:36:27.320
and that is a really powerful tool in dating and relationships.

604
00:36:27.800 --> 00:36:31.039
And that's another thing that we've kind of forgotten about

605
00:36:31.239 --> 00:36:34.320
or ignored. And that's what I help women learn how

606
00:36:34.320 --> 00:36:37.199
to do. Learn how to listen to themselves, that small

607
00:36:37.239 --> 00:36:41.519
inner voice that's communicating with them, and also learn what's

608
00:36:41.880 --> 00:36:44.679
happening in their body body wisdom, because if you're on

609
00:36:44.760 --> 00:36:47.199
a date and you're just tense all over and you

610
00:36:47.239 --> 00:36:50.599
have a headache after the date, there's a reason for that.

611
00:36:51.800 --> 00:36:52.639
You may not even.

612
00:36:54.519 --> 00:36:57.320
Yeah, yeah, and you might not have an answer ever,

613
00:36:58.159 --> 00:37:02.039
but but it's so important and to listen to well.

614
00:37:02.079 --> 00:37:05.639
And how do you help your clients to become mindful?

615
00:37:05.760 --> 00:37:10.880
Because mindfulness is not necessarily an easy thing to accomplish.

616
00:37:11.039 --> 00:37:15.440
I believe me, I understand that, and you know I try.

617
00:37:15.719 --> 00:37:18.199
I try to meditate at least three to four times

618
00:37:18.199 --> 00:37:21.239
a week for over an hour as I do my walking,

619
00:37:21.800 --> 00:37:26.639
and you know, how do you help these women to

620
00:37:27.079 --> 00:37:30.400
truly understand number one, what mindfulness is, and then number

621
00:37:30.400 --> 00:37:33.760
two to be able to develop it to the point

622
00:37:34.000 --> 00:37:37.519
that when that and I call them red flags start

623
00:37:37.599 --> 00:37:41.280
to come up, they're able to go, Okay, this is

624
00:37:41.320 --> 00:37:42.880
a red flag, I'm out of here.

625
00:37:44.480 --> 00:37:46.920
Yeah. Mindfulness was a big part of my journey, and

626
00:37:46.960 --> 00:37:50.480
I've been a practitioner for a long time meditation practitioner,

627
00:37:50.840 --> 00:37:53.360
and one of the reasons why I corporate it into

628
00:37:53.360 --> 00:37:56.039
my work is that whenever I was starting this journey,

629
00:37:56.440 --> 00:37:59.599
I'd gone to a long retreat and I started doing

630
00:37:59.599 --> 00:38:02.719
a thirty meditation and I was in this dynamic and

631
00:38:02.760 --> 00:38:05.119
I was just so confused, and I kept using my

632
00:38:05.199 --> 00:38:08.000
mental brain to be trying to figure it out, figure

633
00:38:08.000 --> 00:38:10.440
it out, figure it out. And then I would sit

634
00:38:10.480 --> 00:38:15.840
in meditation and slow down and get in touch with

635
00:38:15.920 --> 00:38:19.239
my body, and all of a sudden, the answer became

636
00:38:19.360 --> 00:38:23.800
very clear to me. And so I tell women who

637
00:38:23.800 --> 00:38:28.440
have never meditated right that essentially it's slowing down, it's

638
00:38:28.480 --> 00:38:32.320
getting out of the virtual reality that's happening here and

639
00:38:32.519 --> 00:38:37.920
really tuning in to your body, your breath, allowing things

640
00:38:37.960 --> 00:38:43.000
to slow down. Our brains are not always helpful. They're

641
00:38:43.079 --> 00:38:47.000
really just constantly trying to solve a problem and to

642
00:38:48.039 --> 00:38:52.639
fix something. And sometimes that's great, right if you have

643
00:38:52.719 --> 00:38:58.679
a problem at work, But when you're trying to understand

644
00:38:58.760 --> 00:39:04.800
complexities of relationships and really get in tune with what's happening,

645
00:39:05.920 --> 00:39:11.159
slowing down being able to understand what is happening for

646
00:39:11.199 --> 00:39:15.400
you and so essentially it's slowing down. That's that's where

647
00:39:15.400 --> 00:39:16.280
I start.

648
00:39:17.039 --> 00:39:21.320
Well, and it's interesting as I look at meditation, it

649
00:39:21.320 --> 00:39:24.119
can literally change your life. It can move you into

650
00:39:24.119 --> 00:39:27.719
an entirely different direction if you allow it to and

651
00:39:27.760 --> 00:39:28.800
if you trust it.

652
00:39:31.679 --> 00:39:35.119
Yeah, it allows us to be our true selves essentially,

653
00:39:35.159 --> 00:39:38.000
and that's you know, that sounds hokey, but I do

654
00:39:38.079 --> 00:39:40.840
think we live in this very fast paced society and

655
00:39:41.239 --> 00:39:45.000
you know, all about success and getting to the next

656
00:39:45.000 --> 00:39:48.400
thing and being really busy, which is okay too. You know,

657
00:39:48.440 --> 00:39:53.320
there's there's there's times for that. But if you want to,

658
00:39:54.679 --> 00:39:57.000
you know, understand, if you have a problem, any kind

659
00:39:57.039 --> 00:39:59.159
of problem, it might not be a relationship. If you're

660
00:39:59.199 --> 00:40:03.079
having a problem out work, If you allow yourself to

661
00:40:03.199 --> 00:40:08.199
slow down a little bit, there's you're able to actually

662
00:40:08.400 --> 00:40:12.760
listen to yourself and hear how you feel about something

663
00:40:13.159 --> 00:40:15.440
and if you're just go go go in our brains

664
00:40:15.480 --> 00:40:18.079
have started doing that too, just go go, go, go, go,

665
00:40:18.079 --> 00:40:21.440
go go, and we are not listening to other people,

666
00:40:21.519 --> 00:40:26.440
to ourselves, to our world, to our environment. And so

667
00:40:27.079 --> 00:40:30.639
the ability to do that can definitely change everything.

668
00:40:31.440 --> 00:40:34.000
And how do you help your women clients to trust

669
00:40:34.719 --> 00:40:37.119
themselves as they go through that process?

670
00:40:39.639 --> 00:40:48.519
Yeah, that's hard. Yeah. What comes up around this is

671
00:40:48.599 --> 00:40:53.119
that for me with my clients is I've I've built

672
00:40:53.400 --> 00:40:57.440
this story that I attract these certain types of men,

673
00:40:57.719 --> 00:41:00.199
and so when I meet someone, how do I I

674
00:41:00.239 --> 00:41:05.199
know the difference between a fight or flight response, normal anxiety,

675
00:41:05.800 --> 00:41:12.800
red flag? And essentially it's time, it's time and practice.

676
00:41:12.840 --> 00:41:15.840
This is a skill set. This is something that can

677
00:41:15.880 --> 00:41:21.599
be taught. And as you're slowing down learning how to

678
00:41:21.639 --> 00:41:25.880
listen to that small, still voice inside of you, over

679
00:41:26.000 --> 00:41:31.280
time you'll start to build new memories of meeting someone

680
00:41:31.480 --> 00:41:34.199
picking up on a red flag, coming back to me

681
00:41:34.440 --> 00:41:37.239
or someone else and being like, oh, I noticed that

682
00:41:37.320 --> 00:41:39.079
he was doing that thing, so I decided not to

683
00:41:39.119 --> 00:41:41.159
go back out with him, and it's like, oh, you

684
00:41:41.199 --> 00:41:44.199
did it. And so you build a new memory. And

685
00:41:44.239 --> 00:41:47.840
that's how we build new neuropathways is by creating new memories.

686
00:41:47.880 --> 00:41:49.920
And that's why it's so important to work with someone,

687
00:41:50.320 --> 00:41:52.760
either a therapist or a coach, so that you can

688
00:41:52.880 --> 00:41:57.119
start to notice those new memories and recreate them because

689
00:41:57.119 --> 00:41:58.559
you want to come back to that. You want to

690
00:41:58.599 --> 00:42:00.840
be like, oh, yeah, I did did that thing. I

691
00:42:00.880 --> 00:42:03.119
was able to say no, even though it all looked

692
00:42:03.119 --> 00:42:06.199
good on paper. I was able to say no. And

693
00:42:06.760 --> 00:42:08.480
sometimes you're like, oh, I was able to get out

694
00:42:08.480 --> 00:42:11.840
a really bad relationship even though I loved him so much,

695
00:42:12.199 --> 00:42:15.119
and now I'm so much happier. That's building a new

696
00:42:15.159 --> 00:42:18.480
neural pathway. And that's how we begin to trust ourselves

697
00:42:19.079 --> 00:42:22.280
is by doing these things and seeing the reward and benefit.

698
00:42:23.480 --> 00:42:27.960
So if you were to stop and just share one

699
00:42:28.079 --> 00:42:32.119
final message with the audience that you want them to understand,

700
00:42:32.679 --> 00:42:33.400
what would that be.

701
00:42:35.280 --> 00:42:38.760
Yeah, My message is, and I share this with my

702
00:42:38.880 --> 00:42:44.400
clients and when I do events, is to embrace where

703
00:42:44.400 --> 00:42:47.440
you are. It's exactly where you need to be.

704
00:42:49.639 --> 00:42:54.440
Well, that's quick and short, Amber, I can't believe we're

705
00:42:54.440 --> 00:42:57.320
out of time. I mean, this is a wonderful discussion

706
00:42:57.400 --> 00:42:59.920
and it just fascinates me how quickly time goes by?

707
00:43:00.760 --> 00:43:03.559
Yeah, thank you so much. How do people find you?

708
00:43:04.639 --> 00:43:10.000
Yeah, you can go to www. Dot true connection dash

709
00:43:10.039 --> 00:43:16.480
sorry www dot true connection sorry true connection, dot com.

710
00:43:16.400 --> 00:43:20.199
Yes, a www. Dot true.

711
00:43:21.360 --> 00:43:21.800
Connection.

712
00:43:22.199 --> 00:43:24.880
Dot dot net is a dot com or dot net.

713
00:43:24.920 --> 00:43:26.280
Dot net Yes, thank you.

714
00:43:26.639 --> 00:43:27.079
Yeah.

715
00:43:27.519 --> 00:43:31.760
I just got a new website, so I'm still figuring

716
00:43:32.119 --> 00:43:33.920
figuring out what exactly it is, all.

717
00:43:33.960 --> 00:43:37.760
Right, I'll try to make sure that's in the comments.

718
00:43:38.400 --> 00:43:41.400
Thank you so much. This this has been fascinating. And

719
00:43:41.480 --> 00:43:44.559
you know what I find fascinating is you know, you

720
00:43:44.760 --> 00:43:48.039
experienced that ten year situation and you came out of

721
00:43:48.079 --> 00:43:53.199
that and have found yourself an incredible relationship, and you've

722
00:43:53.280 --> 00:43:56.599
taken that experience and rather than becoming the victim of it,

723
00:43:57.360 --> 00:44:02.760
you've now become the person to help others to go

724
00:44:02.800 --> 00:44:06.599
through those similar type of situations and become the victor

725
00:44:08.000 --> 00:44:11.480
of those situations. And to me, that's what it's really

726
00:44:11.559 --> 00:44:14.679
all about. So kudos to you for doing that.

727
00:44:15.719 --> 00:44:20.000
Thank you, Thank you, Doug Well, thanks yeah.

728
00:44:19.880 --> 00:44:22.239
And thanks for being on the show. And folks, thanks

729
00:44:22.320 --> 00:44:24.400
for listening. I hope you've enjoyed it. I think you

730
00:44:24.480 --> 00:44:27.679
will and get to that website if you find that.

731
00:44:27.599 --> 00:44:29.840
There's some areas that you really need some help with.

732
00:44:30.000 --> 00:44:38.639
So this is doctor Doug saying, now lets stay

733
00:44:41.599 --> 00:44:41.639
With